Original subtitles

Yo, C, can you take me to the beach, man?

Will, you gonna take that baseball to the beach with you?

No, no, see, this isn't just a baseball.

This is autographed by "Say Hey" Willie Mays.

I mean, I had to sell half your coin collection just to buy it.

Well, if you asked me, you're obsessed.

L'm obsessed?

Look, Carlton, you hurt his feelings. Now, say sorry. Say it!

L'm sorry. Will, seek help.

Look, Carlton, can you just drop me off at the beach?

You know what, scratch that. Drop me off a couple blocks away.

The honeys might get a little nervous if they see rne with a midget.

Will, today is Senior Day.

We're supposed to work on our college applications and think about our futures.

I am, and it's just that my future involves a sweet, young thing in a thong.

You know what l'm saying? You know? Come on, let's jet, peewee.

Forget it, Will. l'm not going to the beach. l'm going to the library.

Oh, really?

Well, I got ten spankies here that said you're going to the beach.

They lied.

G, can you please take me to the beach?

So sorry, Master William, l'm on a break.

G, when is it going to be over?

When you get another ride.

Good morning, sweetheart. Geoffrey, my bags are upstairs.

How thrilling for you!

Geoffrey, you know l'm very, very fond of you.

But I am also eight months pregnant, and I am not in a very good mood.

I could very easily rip out your heart, eat it, and then have a cappuccino.

Am I making myself quite clear?

Hallmark couldn't have put it any better.

You know, Aunt Viv, l'm really going to miss you this weekend.

No, you're not, and l'm not going to miss you, either.

Vivian, sweetheart, there was an army ofants in my shower this morning.

Welcome to the club, Philip. Call the exterminator.

And while you're at it, call...

the garage door people and the plumber.

I thought you were gonna take care of that.

Philip, l'm as big as a house. All I want to do is lie in bed and eat pie.

Me, too, but I still get things done.

Guess what? You're not going to believe this.

You paid for your own dinner.

Are you insane? l'm going to be interviewed by the L.A. Weekly.

Now that l'm a famous weather girl, people want to know the real me.

Now, if anyone asks, l'm 21 and I fought in Desert Storm.

Madam, l've put your luggage in the limousine.

Okay, goodbye, sweetheart. All right, l'll give John and Sheryl your love...

and I promise l'll try and come back in a better mood...

ifl come back at all.

You know, Uncle Phil, if we're lucky, she'll come back as Clair Huxtable.

Look, a black Howdy Doody.

That is my assistant, Edward. Shame on you, Will.

God!

Good morning, Howdy... Edward.

Good morning, Judge Banks. I hope you don't mind the imposition...

but I thought you could review your notes on the way to court.

Edward, even I can't drive and read at the same time.

Sure you can, Uncle Phil. I do it every morning on the way to school.

Actually, I took the liberty of putting your notes on tape.

Thank you, Edward. It must have taken you hours.

Three days.

But I found it extremely enlightening, not to mention rewarding.

Yeah.

Oh, I almost forgot one thing.

If it's your nose, I think I know where you left it.

I was hoping to have a day off.

I have an interview with a very prestigious law firm.

I have a very busy day today, Edward, can't you postpone it?

- Of course. l'd be happy to. - Okay.

L'll just wait another eight months.

Go to the interview, Edward.

Thank you, sir. Thank you again.

And again, and again.

Ed, do you want me to get you some knee pads?

Mr. Banks, the gardener left this for you.

"Dear Mr. Banks, how can I put this? Your wife is crazy, and you're cheap.

"L quit, adios, Hector."

Great, just what I need.

Can I be ofassistance, sir?

Yes, you can now call a gardener, call an exterminator...

find a plumber, and fix the garage door.

Even Aladdin only got three wishes.

What am I going to do?

How am I gonna make it through the day without an assistant?

- Yeah, well, gotta go. - Not so fast, Will.

I really need your help.

Uncle Phil, Uncle Phil. Look, you know you my man, right?

But come on, today is Senior Day. I got to go down to the beach...

and harass young women.

Will, sometimes you have to put yourself aside and do something to help others.

You know, you right, Uncle Phil.

And I see it. lt's like a vision. l'm going to do that when l'm 30.

Will, l'll never make it through this day without help.

Come on, like my father used to say to me, "lt's better to give than to receive."

Your pop had a bit of a drinking problem though, didn't he?

Get out of those clothes and get in the damn car.

A gentleman would at least give rne dinner first.

And if you want to stay out ofjail...

I suggest you stop associating with known criminals and low-life scum.

Jamal?

Will!

What's happening, man? Yo, man, you cool, that's my uncle.

- Hey, Uncle Phil, this is-- - The defendant.

- Sit down, Will. - My fault. Sorry.

Hey, Jamal, why don't you offer him this Kit Kat--

Will!

Next case.

Where are my files?

I got them right here for you, Uncle Phil.

You know, I just cleaning them up a little bit, you know.

- Why? - I don't know, man.

Some fool spilled some Slurpee or something on them, I don't know.

They cool, though.

The People versus Luther Devans, case number 3612.

What's up, baby? Why don't you stenog your number down for me, you know?

Girl, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you all.

Will, would you approach the bench, please?

- Yeah, just a second, Uncle Phil-- - Get your butt over here.

Closer. Come on, a little closer.

Come on. Come on.

- Yes? - Come on.

May I remind you that you are here to help me...

not help yourself?

Now, you sit your butt down over there and shut up.

Kong not h?PPY-

Well, Counselor...

I see that your client has violated probation again.

Why hasn't he found a job yet?

He's tried, Your Honor, but he hasn't been able to.

We're here to request more time.

Mr. Devons, I see you've served five years in the penitentiary.

L'm sure you learned a trade in there.

Actually, I wrote a book, Your Honor.

Word? That's kind of fly, man.

Tell that to the publishers who rejected me. I hate rejection.

As a matter of fact, I wrote a book of poetry about it.

Mr. Devons...

I find it difficult to believe that you've put forth an honest effort to find employment.

L'm willing to take any kind ofjob, Your Honor.

L'm good with my hands, I can fix practically anything.

Then why are you unemployed?

L'm an ex-con. Nobody wants to hire an ex-con.

Oh, please, that's a very lame excuse, Mr. Devons.

Are you aware that l'm perfectly within my rights to send you back to prison?

Yo, Uncle Judge.

Uncle Phil, you could give him a job.

Are you crazy? He's an ex-con.

Come on, Uncle Phil. All that stuff that's broken around the house?

And plus, l'm telling you, I got a good feeling about this guy. Look at him.

I don't think that would work, Will.

Uncle Phil. Remember what your pop said...

"'Tis better to give than to receive."

I really, really hate you.

Love you, too, Uncle Phil.

Yo, check it out, G, my Willie Mays just went up again.

I can get 300 spankies for this.

$225, tops.

I tried selling it yesterday.

And when you finish mowing the lawn, you can prune Mrs. Banks' roses.

My pleasure.

I have a date tonight, so would you mind washing the car?

And can you jack up the driver's seat a little?

And could you pick up my dress from the dry cleanefs?

While you're at it, could you type up your thoughts on the industrial revolution?

You know, double space it and put my name on it?

You dribble and you shoot, you know, you hope for the best. What, what?

L'll take care of everything right away, and thanks again for the work.

Hey, there's more where that came from.

What a great guy.

Incredible!

L'm telling you, the dude got it going on.

I mean, especially after spending five years in the pen.

The pen? Please tell rne that's slang for the Valley.

Look, now, don't everybody overreact, but he did serve some time for burglary.

Are you out of your damn mind?

Ashley?

Oh, my God, l've got to make myself look less attractive.

I know, l'll put on something of Mom's.

L'm nailing down all of my dolls right now.

- Me, too! - Hey, hold it. Hold it!

- Now the man has paid his debt to society. - Yeah.

He deserves a second chance, like everybody else.

- Whose idea was this? - His.

Will, you have put this entire family in danger.

This is the dumbest thing you've ever done.

Will, you are a genius.

Luther is a godsend.

He fixed all of the bulbs on my vanity mirror. l'm even prettier than I thought.

You know, Hilary, I don't even think it's possible...

for you to be prettier than you thought.

Thank you, Will.

Will, I fixed that TV in your room. By the way...

-you now get the Playboy channel. - My man!

I don't know, Will.

I don't think l'd leave a convicted felon alone in my room.

But, what could you possibly have of any value?

What you talking about, man?

How about for instance...

my Willie Mays baseball.

Look at the time, 4:00 already. I better get some sleep.

Where's my Willie? Carlton, I can't find my Willie.

Carlton, tell me that there's a baseball in this thing.

There's no baseball, Will.

I guess you wasn't listening.

Carlton, tell me that there's a baseball in this thing.

It's gone. Will, Luther's a thief. What are we going to do?

All right, all right, we don't know that Luther did it.

Come off it, Will.

If it looks like a duck, smells like a duck and sounds like a duck, what is it?

Your prom date?

I told you, she had a cold.

Look, if you're so sure Luther didn't take it, why don't you just ask him?

I mean, he won't have anything to hide.

Come on, Carlton, you can't just walk up to people and accuse them of stuff.

You think he did it, you ask him.

Right. Like l'm just going to march up to a vicious, hardened criminal and say...

"Hey, mister, can I have my ball back, and please don't snap my neck like a twig."

Will, you have to be clever to outthink the criminal mind.

- Hey, Luther. - Hey, Luther, how are you doing?

That's Luther.

L'll find out if he's honest.

- Hey, Luther, you dropped your wallet. - No, that's yours.

So it is.

How honest of you to say so.

So, Luther, basebalfs a fine game, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Carlton...

-can I have a word with you? - Sure.

The word is "idiot," man. Can't you see he's innocent?

L'm going to buy myself some lumber. I want to get started on that trellis.

Good for you, Luther. Look, nice talking to you, Luther.

You're doing a darn good job, Luther.

Look, great having you aboard, Luther.

- Thanks. - See you, Luther.

- Luther's guilty, Will, l'm going to tell Dad. - No, you're not, man.

Because if you do, l'm going to tell him...

about them calls you been making to 1-900-HORNY.

You wouldn't.

- Come on, boys, let's go out to dinner. - Out? We can't go out.

We got lots of food right here. We can't leave the house. Our stuff is here.

Carlton, Geoffrey's away, Mom's gone. If we don't go out to eat, we'll starve.

Come on, let's celebrate. lt's not every day that Will does something right.

You know, Luther's a good worker.

Good thing he worked out, or l'd have to take it out on your hide.

And that would be nasty, wouldn't it?

Come on, boys, let's go.

Will, we got to tell Dad about Luther. He might be dangerous.

Carlton, please. Look, the man is innocent.

Trust me.

- What happened in here? - We was robbed!

Oh, my God, what did they take?

I knew it. I told you we shouldn't have left Luther here.

Luther did this? Will, Dad is going to kill you.

Me, why? No, he's not.

I mean, first of all, we don't even know that Luther did this.

And second ofall, Uncle Phil is a fair man, he can't blame me for none of this.

Will, l'll kill you.

- Uncle Phil, this ain't my fault, man. - I don't believe this.

"Why don't you give him a job, Uncle Phil?"

"l got a good feeling about him, Uncle Phil."

Look, Uncle Phil, l'm telling you...

there's probably a perfectly good explanation for all of this.

Like what?

Maybe Luther took all our stuff to get it Scotchgarded.

- It could happen. - Shut up.

Any idiot could see he's guilty. l'm calling the police. God!

My Tevin Campbell posters.

If he touched them, l'll hunt him down like a dog.

All right, wait a minute. Come on, let's just calm down here.

I mean, come on. I mean, what did we lose for real?

A bunch of things.

We're all healthy.

We're all safe.

Where are the video games?

I can't breathe.

- Well, he got all the TVs. - He got the silverware, too.

I feel like such a fool. He was probably planning this from day one.

Well, don't blame yourself, big guy. Blame Will.

He should have told you when Luther stole his baseball.

What baseball?

What baseball?

Well, baseball game where the man with the stick hit ball and run.

Sort of like this.

Hold it!

You mean to tell me that Luther stole your Willie Mays...

and you didn't tell me about it?

I didn't really know, Uncle Phil.

Hey, but, if we want to be serious about this, this is all your fault.

Excuse me?

If you had let rne go to the beach, then none of this would have never happened.

Will, I will give you till the count of ten to get out of my sight.

Nine.

Luther get on my nerves, steal my stuff, and I get in trouble.

I wish that punk was in here right now, boy, 'cause l'd...

scream like a girl! Uncle Phil! Luther's in the house.

Yeah, you're right. Dig me with my bad self, huh?

What the hell are you doing here?

Let me warn you, Luther, l've called the police.

You've got a lot of damn nerve...

coming back here after you robbed us.

- What are you talking about? - Oh, please!

Yeah, if this wall weren't in my way, mister, you'd be plenty sorry.

After we gave you a second chance. This is how you repay us?

I did not rob you. You got to believe me. Will, you believe me, right, man?

Hey, you know, it's people like you that give ex-cons a bad name.

L'm calling the police, man.

Damn, that was fast.

You know, they must have thought we was white folks.

- Come on in, Officer. - Thank you.

Thank God you got here when you did. I was about to turn this sucker out.

Officer, I want you to arrest this man.

He stole my baseball and some other stuff.

- I can't do that, sir. - Why not?

We already arrested the perpetrator.

Yes, his name is Edward Haskell, claims to be your law clerk.

Edward! Officer, there must be some kind of mistake.

L'm afraid not, sir.

Sea, we saw his U-Haul double-parked.

Upon suggesting he move the vehicle, suspect broke down...

and confessed to cleaning you out, sir.

Why would he want to rob me?

Well, according to him, he's sick and tired of getting you bagels...

it's not his job to iron your robes...

and he said you unfairly accused him of calling 1-900-HORNY.

The man is obviously a deviant.

Well, thank you, Officer, and...

l'll meet you down at the station to make a positive ID.

Very good, thank you, sir.

Luther.

Luther, we're sorry we were wrong.

Tell me about it.

Luther, we're sorry.

Someone in my position should be a better judge of character.

L'd like for you to continue to work for us, though.

Well, after working in this house, jail won't be so bad. See you.

Well, I trust we all have learned something from this.

Yeah, don't work for you.

Well, we weren't completely wrong about Luther.

Yes, we were. He didn't touch my Tevin Campbell posters.

Yeah, but he took Will's baseball.

You mean the one in the plastic case?

I borrowed it for batting practice.

Where is it, Ashley? That thing is worth a lot of money.

Really, didn't look like it.

Somebody wrote all over it. But, don't worry, I cleaned it off for you.

Where are those damn Tevin Campbell posters?

No! No!

You know, man, l'm glad you asked that.

Sea, baseball game where man with stick hit ball and run.

- Sort of like this. - Hold it, Will.

- Tlley sin 't noticed. They ain 't noticed. -0lra y. Olra y.

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