Original subtitles

Oh, no!

Hello?

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Eh...

GEESE HONK

STRAINING

HE GROANS

Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Thank you. Welcome to Taskmaster,

a set of challenges presided over by a temperamental dictator.

It's a sort of upbeat North Korea,

and I'm Kim Jong-Fun.

LAUGHTER

Let's meet our citizens for the first time.

They are...

..Ania Magliano! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Maisie Adam! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Phil Ellis! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Reece Shearsmith! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Sanjeev Bhaskar! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me,

a man who I once thought I saw riding on the back

of a baby elephant with a tiny trunk,

to discover he simply had no trousers on.

It's...

HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Horne! Hi, thank you.

Cos the trunk would be... Yeah.

Hello, everyone. It's lovely to be here.

It's lovely to see you, Greg. I actually think you're great.

Thanks. Hm.

Thanks, man. But I do think I could help...

Ooh.

..with a couple of enhancements.

On the count of three, would you mind smiling?

A-one, two, three.

ANGELIC CHORUS

ENTUSIASTICALLY: Eh?

I can do a couple of these.

How about doing a nice big blink to camera.

One... A blink? A blink.

One, two, three.

SNARE DRUM CRACKS Ah!

A snare. Snare drum?

Open your mouth. One, two, three...

VACCUUM CLEANER WHIRRS Yeah?

Yeah? Yep.

Yep, by your standards, not bad.

OK, here we go.

What's the first prize task of this series, little Alex Horne?

Well, my guy,

today, you asked them quite specifically

to bring in a very soft thing

which would be most beneficial for Greg Davies.

OK? So the very soft thing Greg thinks he'd find most beneficial

will get the full five points.

Then the winner of the episode will take home all five very soft things

even though they're intended to benefit Greg.

But Greg won't mind, as it's bound to be

a great big bunch of crap.

Thanks very much. Over and out.

OK, Ania. Welcome. Thank you.

What soft thing did you bring me?

I brought you a bum cushion.

OK.

LAUGHTER

It doesn't look unlike my bum.

So, I made it extra soft,

because I added some cat hair on it,

from my cats, Chicken and Ricken.

Chicken and Ricken?

Now, the problem for you and your bald cats is

I am profoundly allergic to cats.

Oh! Oh, no!

What I will say is this - at least you've made an effort.

The people I get angry with are the people who haven't made an effort.

Yeah, when we got them spayed, I said, "Can I keep the hair?"

Cos they had to shave some of them to put, like, an injection in and...

Oh, that's lovely. Yeah. So this is hair is just before

they had their wombs removed.

It's from the really special zones... Ah, great.

..which you might not be allergic to that!

Well, I've never...

LAUGHTER

I've never put that to the test,

but never say never.

Maisie.

Uh... Uh, a-ba-ba-ba. Ooh, sorry.

Small talk.

How are you? Very well, thanks, Greg.

Good. What...? How are you?

What have you brought in? Cool.

Uh, I've brought in a manly bonnet for you.

I'm concerned about banging your head on things what with your...

Extraordinary height? Extraordinary height, yeah.

Here is Maisie's bonnet.

So you've got...

LAUGHTER

I didn't want you to feel emasculated by wearing a bonnet,

so I've stuck loads of manly things on it.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Um, barbeque on the top...

Lovely. Bit of weights, tool box,

couple bottles of beers for the lads.

My dad's quite tall,

and he always hits the top of his head and it's... Yeah.

..and it scabs over, so... And what better to protect it

than a miniature barbecue?

I really like it.

Wow. You're welcome. I've got nothing negative to say,

and I'm not allergic to any of those things.

Phil.

What is the softest thing in the universe?

And we all know that is the hands and voices of the elderly.

So, I thought if I just, like, pop these on,

these elderly people's hands on...

Yeah. They fit like a glove.

I mean that's perfect, innit? Yeah.

So, I thought if, like...

If you just enjoy the... If we play the cassette...

Yeah, you ready? ..of a softly spoken elderly lady.

Here is the elderly lady talking now.

ELDERLY LADY: Hello, Greg.

You're such a wonderful person.

We're all so proud of you.

Such a big, strong, beefy boy.

Good, innit? Is that an old lady? It is an old lady, yes.

Well, it's the oldest one I could find.

Um, I found it quite distressing.

LAUGHTER

I think if you'd brought an old lady on,

maybe, uh, it would've been more beneficial.

I know. It's weird, though. None would come with me.

Yeah.

Reece, what did you bring us?

My first question is are you allergic to feathers?

I am. Oh...

Right, well, moving on.

Just imagine I'm not. I have created for you...

..a fortune-telling raven.

Didn't I say that's what I was hoping for this...? Yeah.

Here is the fortune-telling raven.

LAUGHTER

Every morning, it will give you a prediction

for the events of that day.

Raven...

..tell me my fortune.

There it is, look. Picked one out for you.

What's it?

"You will leave the iron on."

ALL: Oh...

Greg, you've got to leave and get home.

Yeah, like I iron.

Christ, none of these are rubbish.

You must be feeling the heat, aren't you, Sanjeev?

Totally. Yeah.

I've gone incredibly practical.

Here it is. Nice big blanket.

You see... And there it is.

And there he is.

Made from... The contestant who grabbed something

on his way to the show.

It's electric.

Oh... So it warms up. Wait a moment.

It's made from the finest cat-...uh, sheep hair.

Or wool... "Sheep hair." ..as I believe some people call it.

No, because I thought, you know, because you are tall,

you feel the cold quicker than anyone else.

I do. OK.

You've seen five quite soft things.

Yeah. Other people have made stuff,

so I have to punish you cos you didn't make it.

Uh, sorry, you didn't ask me whether I made it or not.

Yeah, I know but... You made a huge assumption

that I picked it up on the way here.

I've been knitting and bolting that thing together for months.

Right, well, does that change things?

No.

The thing I want second least

is to have latex gloves rubbed over my face.

Two points to Phil.

Next, I want to sit on a doughnut of cat hair.

Well done, Ania. Three points.

And then we're up to the big two.

I want the raven most.

Maisie, four points. Reece, five points. There we go.

I want it. I want that raven.

We're off to a flying start. Let's get going.

What's the first task proper?

You're gonna love this one, Greg,

because it involves your two favourite things.

One, basic technology,

and two, me standing next to a table looking all mysterious and macho.

Hello. BEEP

Oh, no, he's started the clock!

What do I do?

MAISIE: Hiya.

BEEP What? What? What?

Why are you timing it? What?

Hello, hello.

BEEP

Hi. BEEP

Hello. BEEP

Oh, God.

Speak!

Hello.

What? You all right? What's the task?

Well, I can't see any kind of task written down here. Mmm.

So, I'm just going to hit you with this.

Is there...a task anywhere? Do I have to find the task? No.

Are we against the clock? Yes.

But what do you want me to do?

Is there anything different about me, Reece?

Well, you've got that on. Yeah.

Do you know what it is?

Yes, it's one of those things where you...you pay at restaurants.

Uh, well, I don't know what you call those things.

Yeah, it's a QR code. QR code, that's it, yeah.

Do I have to have a phone to scan it? Mm-hm.

Unless you can do them with your eyes.

I can't do them with my eyes yet.

Do I need my phone? Yes.

Can I not use this to scan your QR code?

Have you not got one of these? No... Back in my room!

Well, go and get it then. Oh, Alex!

I have a phone in another room.

Ah. Shall I get it?

You might need it. OK.

Have I got to look for it in this room?

Your telephone? My telephone?

Your telephone.

Why do you keep saying do I have a telephone? My telephone?

Do you have a telephone? No, not on me.

Right. Do you want me to go and get one?

Where is it?

My telephone? Your telephone.

My telephone...

Yeah, your telephone.

Well, wh-what do you mean?

I-I don't have one on me.

I mean, I've got my mobile phone. Oh. Private to me.

You want me to bring it into this room?

Well, you need to scan that somehow.

Well, then I have to go and get it, don't I?

I suppose so. Sorry to argue.

Share your phone!

What?

PHIL LAUGHS

PHIL: Clever boy. Right.

I mean, it's fascinating,

because there's such a range of ages amongst the five of you,

but my initial impression is that was like watching footage

of the distressed residents in a care home.

The age range is extraordinary this series.

For the first time it's 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and up we go.

It is...

I think if the staff were looking after these pensioners,

Reece would be the one that they'd dread looking after the most.

You can almost hear the staff go,

"Will you go and deal with him? He's really on one today."

But when do we get our medication?!

You know there's going to be a Dispatches about this

and you will all be revealed - your cruelty will be revealed.

I was left on the stairs last night!

Let's crack on.

OK. It's QR versus AR,

Ania and Reece.

Why didn't you just s-...?

Oh, for f-...

Stop...

Come here. No.

Come here. I need to scan your chest!

ALEX WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER

I don't feel good about this.

ANIA GIGGLES

Ah, right. Ah.

Stand there. No, no.

Oh, I can't remember my passcode. Keep still.

I don't want to keep still. Keep still.

I need to go that way. You can't.

Ah, I still have the dice game open on my phone!

SHE LAUGHS

Keep still. I don't want to keep still.

You've got to. I don't want to.

Oh, his back.

Come here. I don't want to.

Keep still. I don't want to!

God's sake.

Ah! Oh, I nearly got it!

ALEX WHIMPERS

APPLAUSE

BOTH HONK

I've stopped the clock.

That was so fun, I feel so alive.

ALEX SIGHS Can we go again?

ALEX PANTS I can't.

HE SIGHS EXHAUSTEDLY

APPLAUSE

Ania, you looked like you were genuinely enjoying running around.

You don't get to chase someone very often in your life. You don't.

And you were really enjoying being chased. Course I was.

Yeah. It's the build-up.

It was actually quite slippy, so I couldn't go at top speed.

MAISIE: Mm. Um...

And if I had my time again, I would go at top speed.

I'm sorry you never got to go at top speed.

Did you enjoy that, Reece?

Um... No.

No?

I found it frustrating because he wouldn't stop,

and I guess that's the point. That's the point all right.

Reece, you're twice as old as Ania,

and twice as slow, it turns out.

Ania, 2 minutes 29,

Reece, 5 minutes and 5 seconds. Oh, God.

But she wasn't even at top speed.

Imagine.

OK, that's the first part through.

But as my doctor said in a recent health screening, after a break,

I'm going to need to get a glove and really get amongst it.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to the second part of the show

and the second part of the series.

The current task is to get the Horne,

scan the Horne, then honk the horn.

Now, let's see how the final three got on.

It's Maisie and Phil,

who both understand the concept of "fastest wins",

plus Sanjeev Bhaskar.

MAISIE: What?

There you are, you little bugger!

Come here, let me spank you.

You got a QR code?

Oh, he's got a big one on the back! This is brilliant!

LAUGHTER

Back here now! Now!

AUDIENCE GASPS Bugger!

You little prick!

SANJEEV GROANS

I know how to get him. He likes music, doesn't he?

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

I've got it on the wrong bloody setting now.

Using the wrong settings? I'm phoning my mother.

I'm still on the wrong bloody settings.

HE STRUMS UKELELE TUNELESSLY AND HONKS HORN

Come on.

HE CONTINUES STRUMMING AND HONKING Don't be scared.

You like instruments, don't you?

Alex!

Fucking 'ell!

I think he's on a loop.

Need to block his path.

Ah.

There's one of two things I can hit you with.

Right. Where's your telephone?

It's in my pocket.

Right how are you going to...?

What?

Ah, bastard! HE LAUGHS

Sanjeev...

Now...

Say hello to the ostrich.

I don't want to.

SHE GASPS

Oh, I think I've just beheaded a gargoyle.

I'm really sorry.

HE LAUGHS Oh, I've got him!

Oh, shit, I'm on airplane mode.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Hmm. Do you know how to use QR codes?

It's just giving me a little yellow light on it, which is not the thing.

Yeah, then you... No, it is the thing.

Oh, is it? Yeah.

Stay still. I don't want to.

Stay... Argh!

I'm really strong, Alex.

Stupid man.

"Honk the horn. Fastest wins."

Oh, you bastard. I've honked a horn!

"Honk the horn."

SHE HONKS HORN

HE HONKS HORN

I should've done this at the... Yeah, I've stopped the...

I should have done that at the bloody beginning.

Yeah, I've stopped the clock.

APPLAUSE

So, what I wrote down for you during that is,

"Good to see someone who knows he can't win this having fun."

Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's so early on, isn't it?

And yet it's so obvious.

Just having the time your life, weren't you?

"Come here, you little bugger. I'm going to spank you."

I didn't hear that, but...OK.

Y-you...you said that.

Oh, yeah? That wasn't me saying that to you, Phil.

And he wasn't destructive. There wasn't £40 worth of damage.

£40? MAISIE: That gargoyle? 40 quid?

Yes, that gargoyle, yeah.

What...? Right. OK.

Sorry. Um... Thank you.

What I will say is...

..I'd forgotten I'd worn such big pants.

There's nothing wrong with a big pant, my friend.

Well, my leggings, they didn't come in my length,

so they only reached round my bum.

Are you saying your trousers were riding down?

I didn't notice, did you notice?

Yeah, I noticed, yeah. Of course I noticed.

I mean, I still enjoyed watching you running around breathlessly

with your... I was not breathless, thank you.

Sorry.

I was firing top speed, but with saggy pants, so...

Sanjeev.

I was going at top speed.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

I wasn't holding back.

Have you, genuinely, in real life, had a phone for long?

A... A phone? A phone, yeah.

A telephone? PHIL: A telephone. Yes, a telephone.

Yes, I think, you know, in that moment,

I didn't know whether you wanted me to, I don't know...

To know how to use your own phone?

Yes.

Yes, I have people who do that for me.

The nurses.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Shall I tell you some times? Tell me some times.

I can't imagine any of them are good.

Phil did find a horn and lure me out with another horn... Wow.

..at 1 minute 37.

That was his first honk of another horn. MAISIE: Oh.

We didn't say which horn you had to honk.

So Phil, 1:37.

Suddenly, he's overtaken Ania who's lagging at 2:29, so slow.

Reece, 5:05.

Maisie quicker, 4:22.

More than twice as long as everyone else,

Sanjeev, 10:16. Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

However, there is also one extra video to watch.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Hiya. BEEP

What, what? What?

Why are you timing it?

What?

HONK

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's me, baby!

Wow.

And what's amazing is

we literally didn't need to show any of that footage

of your trousers falling down.

It is one point to Sanjeev, two to Reece,

three to Ania, four to Phil,

and five to Maisie Adam!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Shall we see our first scoreboard, young fellow-my-lad?

Of course. At one end, consistency himself,

Sanjeev's got two points.

At the other, Maisie's got nine points!

GREG WHISTLES CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right. What's next, little Alex HONE?

Ooh, well it's time to task with a target.

We've found a big space, we got some big balls,

we're going to have some big fun.

Do you know who I'm doing?

Max Schreck as Nosferatu.

I thought you looked like a penguin.

1921 classic.

SICKENED: "Looks like a penguin."

You're quite far away.

So are you.

"Roll an object onto the target."

"You must release your object from behind this line."

"You may not move the line or target."

"And you may not affect your object after release."

"You must use the first type of object you touch,

"and can have three attempts with that type of object."

"And must not go within Greg's height of the target."

What?

"Closest to the centre of the target wins."

REECE: "You have 15 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

What w-...? How do I know how tall Greg is lying down?

Or standing up. Or... Ah!

APPLAUSE

And it's...it's a game of curling.

Ah, well, we invented it, but yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Right, well, let's crack on.

OK, well, it's a tricky task,

but there's 15 minutes, so plenty of time to plan, etc.

Or I guess you could just get it done and go home.

It's Maisie, and yes, it's Sanjeev.

So, the first type of object you touch?

HE SIGHS

Well, they're quite heavy.

Um...

I think that means you're touching it, Sanjeev.

Well, no. I didn't touch that.

I think you touched the tyre.

Fine.

Oh! They ice?

Aye, ice.

We're going to go ice.

Good for length. Ah, yeah.

The line was a bit off.

That hit a camera. Yes! Brilliant.

Ooh!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Happy with that?

Absolutely delighted, Alex.

Slow, slow!

Oh...

That's in another time zone, that one, innit?

Right, you've got one more.

What have you learnt from the first two?

Absolutely nothing. Great.

Shouldn't have come.

Now then...

Oh, charming.

Out the door!

Great, that's near Windsor.

Stop.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Oh!

Are you going to, like, doc-... Like, you know, take a picture?

Just cos they're going to melt in a minute.

Yeah, we're filming a lot of this.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

I mean, basically, at that final shot,

there was no sign that you'd ever been part of this.

It's like a metaphor for the futility of life.

The thing is that I...

I get the rules with, you know, the first thing you touch,

but I was just moving it up a bit, I wasn't kind of like... Yeah, or...

..choosing it. Or, as some would say, touching.

Some may interpret it that way.

Maisie, I think this is the most sense we've seen you make.

I'm...I had a method, I was like,

"Let's see what weighs more,"

cos weight... Yeah. ..weight is to do with distance and something.

Yeah, course, weight. It's science.

Famously, weight's to do with distance. Yeah. Yeah.

Right, we're at the halfway point now,

and as my doctor said in a recent check-up,

"Let's just stop for a little breather.

"I wasn't expecting it to be such a mess down there."

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Thank you, and welcome back.

It's the start of part three,

and our new competitors are trying to stop their objects

as close as possible to the middle of the target.

Three people left to go.

Are they actually good at sport despite their appearances?

It's Ania, Reece and Phil.

I'm going to try to make it easy by going dead centre big ball first.

I'm going to use these little balls to make a thoroughfare.

Ooh.

First time I've felt like I've got a good idea.

Right, you have to use that now.

What? You touched that first,

so that's going to be the object you throw.

You're going exercise ball.

So, I'm thinking if I set up a buffer zone behind it...

Nice.

It's really stinky.

We didn't know they were there. OK.

Far too much power.

OK, good to know.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Do me a favour and put your foot on there for me, please, Alex.

Thank you.

It's time for a few more bins.

Ha-ha-ha! This is exciting.

OK, I'm ready.

OK it's all about what I pick now.

I'm going to do this one.

Yes, you are.

That's no good.

That was, uh...

DISTANT RUMBLE AND IMPACT ..disappointing.

Let's go.

ANIA CHUCKLES

That were a bit shit, weren't it?

The bins still worked.

Oh. And there was me doing that!

Oh, for fuck...

Are you actually joking me?

AUDIENCE: Ooh...

AUDIENCE GROANS Fuck.

Good luck. Ah, thank you.

Is it going to bounce back or...? It's not, is it?

Do you know what happened? The Sellotape stopped it.

25 seconds. This is your last go.

Yes, yes, yes!

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Ah, it's on the target!

Who'd have thought it'd be that simple?

WHISTLE, APPLAUSE

GREG: Nice. Very nice.

I got stressed. I couldn't remember if it went on.

Reece, what was that device you created?

What was it meant to do?

No, initially I thought I could slow the ball down with the Sellotape.

Like when you see it in America, where they pull spikes across

and the cars get their things punctured.

It all fell down when I accidentally touched the wrong thing first.

He's quite calm and softly spoken in the studio, isn't he?

Hmm. But when he got cross with his catapult,

he went more northern than you've been for the whole show.

EXAGGERATED NORTHERN ACCENT: "And there was me doing that!"

The real latent rage.

I thought Phil's worked amazingly well.

And I think Ania's would've worked as well if she was capable

of rolling a ball in the correct direction.

I mean, incredibly, she is worse than Sanjeev. No offence.

You... I feel like you're ganging up on me.

Yep. Yeah, you are.

Well, I can show you where all their objects ended up.

In fifth place, Ania's was furthest away - 22 badgers.

Fourth, Sanjeev - ten badgers.

We're doing it in badgers. Reece, seven badgers.

Phil, 2.5 badgers, but the winner, with five points,

1.5 badgers - Maisie Adam!

Look at that.

Let's have another task, please. Right you are,

and just like our infamous camping trip together,

this one involves being disgusting in a caravan.

Hello? Hello? Hi.

Oh, hi, Reece.

PHIL: Hi, Alex.

Welcome to the caravan.

Thank you for having me in the caravam.

Cawavan.

The cawavan? Oh, yeah, it's caravan.

Been having a lovely time. You have?

Hmm? Oh, good. You?

Uh... It's all right. Yeah.

I mean, you know, what do you compare it with?

You compare it with kind of the worst times in your life,

and you go, "I'm having a great time."

Yeah. And then you compare it with some of the best times of your life,

and you go, "This is shit." Yeah. So it's...

So, yeah, it's OK. Yeah.

Do you mind me saying you suit the caravan?

I actually do know what you mean.

I was going to be insulted,

but then I was like, "He's completely right."

"Do something behind this curtain...

"..that sounds disgusting but is actually really nice."

"Highest D by N wins,

"where D is your disgustingness score out of ten

"and N is your niceness score out of ten."

So, the swingometer of how horrible it sounds

compared to the reality of how nice it is,

there are more points involved in such a situation.

Is that correct?

That's very well put.

Thank you.

"You have 15 minutes. Your time starts now."

OK, so it's behind this.

Yeah.

If you don't mind. Oh, right.

Little privacy.

I'll be waiting.

You not coming with me to look at it? Do you want me to?

No.

APPLAUSE

You really do suit that caravan.

What I don't...

This is the thing, I don't know whether I... Do you like camping or not?

No! You don't?

No.

Why are you getting so angry about it?

The way Alex said it was quite like,

"I'm going to try and get in your head..." No!

"..and live in there as a worm."

Yeah. Just eating away at your brain. Yeah, it really felt...

..so in the end you can't even roll a ball in a straight line.

Ready to start? God, yes.

Yuck, urgh, and vomit,

it's Ania, Maisie and Phil.

ANIA: OK, I'm starting my attempt.

WET HISSING

VIGOROUS CHURNING, CLATTERING

PROLONGED LOUD SLURPING

Are you having a nice time? SLURP

Yeah. SHE HACKS

I'm going to reveal you. SLURPING, GASPING

SLURPING CONTINUES

SHE SLURPS

GENTLE SMACKING OF LIPS

METALLIC SCRAPING

CHURNING It's really tasty.

I'm going to cover you up again.

Are you sure you don't want to suck a bit off?

OK.

MAISIE: I was just looking through in the kitchen there.

Yeah? Looking for all sorts of various things

that I might be able to use.

And, um... METAL IMPACT

Oh, fuck! Argh!

METAL IMPACT Oh! Please, stop!

RATTLING Whatever, please!

Oh, God, no!

SHE GASPS AND ROARS

Oh, oh, right. Yeah, OK.

Gyeorrhh! CHOKING

Yeah...

RATTLING, CHOKING I'm going to open the curtain.

Eurgh, no!

RATTLING

Don't come in, save yourself.

Making you a nice, uh, fruit smoothie, Alex.

SHE PANTS

You're doing it quite violently.

Yeah.

I would like a little bit of the drink to see if it's nice.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Well, thank you.

Ooh! Nice?

Mm. Very nice. There you go.

PHIL: OK.

SLOPPY RATTLING

RATTLING, SPLASHING

Are you all right to keep doing it for a bit?

PHIL LAUGHS, MUFFLED Yeah, if my calf muscles are.

Your calf muscles?

RATTLING, SQUELCHING

I need to know what it is you're doing, I'm going to have a look.

Here I come.

What are you doing?

MOUTH FULL: What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm rubbing my feet in gravy,

and eating a mixture of chocolate sauce

and crumbled up non-product-specific biscuits.

I'm having a bloody great time.

"Nice"?! Bloody lovely.

SPLASHING AND RATTLING RESUMES

Right. Right.

Caravan girl.

When the curtain went back, I mean,

you were eating yoghurt with your fingers.

It wasn't! No, it wasn't yoghurt.

What was it? It was whipped cream and sugar.

But it was really tasty,

and I ate it for quite a long time.

But this is where it's tricky, you see,

because if it was nice for you,

I'll have to take your word for it.

It wasn't nice watching you eat that with your fingers.

Alex told me that you would be really jealous of it.

IRKED: Oh. Oh, did he?

Phil's is tricky, because what I'm learning about Phil is

he's so upbeat about everything,

he'd sort of sell anything as being nice, really.

I think he genuinely was having a wonderful time.

I was. Yeah, I mean, I...

I would've been doing that if I wasn't on the show anyway, but...

Was it warm gravy?

No that was... That was where we fell a bit short.

It was... I could feel the granules between my toes.

Ah. AUDIENCE GROANS

Your noise, Maisie, where it got sinister, and I wrote it down,

was when you shouted, "Please, stop."

I think I'm now realising that the two things had to be the...same.

I just pretended to be attacked, and then made a cocktail.

And then made a cocktail.

Very much separate activities, yeah.

OK, let's stop once again,

and, as my doctor said to me at a recent check-up,

"Just one final push left. Relax, loosen up a bit.

"Hey, stop squirming!

"Nurse, nurse! Help me! He keeps biting!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to the final part of the show,

where the cast are tricking us into thinking they're being disgusting.

The final attempts come from two neighbours over there,

it's Sanjeev from Number 42, and Reece from Number 9.

STRAINING You OK in there, Reece?

WET TOOTING AND SQUEAKING REVERBERATES

REECE GRUNTS AND SIGHS, TOOTING RESUMES

Hello, Sanjeev. CAVEMAN-LIKE GRUNTING

CAVEMAN COMMUNICATION CONTINUES

SANJEEV IMITATES EXPLOSION

HE HOOTS AND BLOWS RASPBERRIES

Bub-bub-bub-bub-bub! HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

Right, Sanjeev... Yep?

I'm going to have a look at you. OK.

I want to check you're OK. OK.

SANJEEV BLOWS RASPBERRY

I'm going to come and have a look.

OK. Be prepared, it's not disgusting.

SQUEAK

TOOT REVERBERATES

WET TOOT

BABY-TALK

HE CHUFFS

Got a little baby in there?

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY Yes.

Multicoloured sausage mobile with disco ball.

Uh-huh. Kids love that.

So you're babysitting? I am babysitting, yeah.

TOOT

What I'm doing is sending the duck to a happy sleep.

And he's dreaming the word "thank you".

He liked it, did he?

I think... Well, look at the duck.

But if you want to close that now,

so that I can get him actually to fall asleep. Sure, OK.

Deep sleep. Sorry to disturb you.

That's all right. All right.

WET TOOTING RESUMES

I'd like to see the baby. Do you want to s-...? OK.

Oh. Yeah. Beautiful baby.

Thank you. APPLAUSE

Reece, I...I'm no expert in how one soothes a duck.

ALEX LAUGHS

Well, I hit upon the idea that the duck would enjoy

the sound of something that was similar to a duck quacking.

But it... Oh. So that was what I was trying to do.

I thought it sounded a bit like a duck whistle,

which famously draw the ducks out to be shot. Yes.

Yeah, oh, well,

it was a bit of both I think. Sounding bad,

and then it being revealed to be quite a charming thing.

Now, do you think that the sort of nice element of Sanjeev's attempt

was somewhat compromised by it being revealed that

the baby was in fact a beheaded old woman?

All babies are beautiful.

Yes. Yeah. They are.

Even those who are old, without a body.

Well, they have old faces and no body,

but they change. They grow.

They grow a body.

They... You don't have children, Greg.

You don't have children. I don't have children.

I did see my nieces when they were babies,

and they definitely didn't just look like a head.

It's a really tough one to score, this. Well, there's a bit of maths.

I guess you can tell me how disgusting you found them all,

and then how nice you found them all.

Yeah, OK.

So, Ania - what's her disgustingness score out of ten, Greg?

Well, it sounded absolutely disgusting. Nine. Nine! Yeah.

Terrific. And the niceness?

Well, she says she's having a nice time,

so I'm going to take her word for it,

but I didn't enjoy watching it, so seven.

Cool. Nine times seven...

LAUGHTER

So Ania, 63.

Maisie.

OK. The cocktail looked absolutely delicious.

Ah, it was, yeah. It was lovely.

Looked like you were having a lovely time,

so that, I mean, it's a delicious nine.

Thank you.

Yeah, but no way does that cocktail involve those noises,

a person being horribly attacked.

Two. Two?

Two times nine. 18. Two?

Right, so we've got high and low. 63, 18.

Phil. Going to get complicated. Phil.

Let's go all the way up the line. This'll do it.

Wow, the noises were awful.

Horrible, disgusting. Nine.

Nine. Another nine.

And then, when it was revealed, he was having the time of his life.

Yeah, yeah. And he's northern, so why not pop your feet in gravy?

I'm not from the north, but I presume it's great.

They squat and they, uh...

They squat. Yeah.

I'm a bit intrigued by you saying, "They squat."

I just think it's important to remember...

What was it? What do people from the north do?

They squat and they lick.

You know that.

So it's nine times...

Eight. Eight. Ooh!

Which is...

LAUGHTER

I do know my eight times table.

Nine times eight is 72.

Yeah. Right. 72.

But you're doing that little smug thing

like I don't know my times tables.

I'll fuck you up, mate.

I'll fuck you up, how about that?

Do you understand those maths?

Fucking prick.

Who's next?

It's Reece next.

I could tell that he was blowing a trumpet.

It didn't sound that disgusting.

Seven. Seven for that.

The reveal, I don't know ducks,

but there was a bubble coming out of his head. Eight.

Yeah, eight. And we know eight times seven, don't we?

We all know eight times seven. We all know eight times seven!

Don't we?

Yeah. What is it?

It's loads.

Phil, what's eight times 7?

Well, I mean, but what is a number, you know? Like...

Good? Good!

OK, so we've got Sanjeev.

Yeah. Well, it sounded absolutely disgusting.

Great. Like a nine.

Nine disgusting. Niceness?

Um, I don't know why I'm charmed by it.

Nine. Whoa!

81 for Sanjeev.

There we go.

OK, Maisie you got 18, your score, so that's one point.

In fourth place, it's Reece, with 56 as your score,

so that's two points.

Ania, you're in third place, you scored 63 - three points.

Phil, 72, four points

but Sanjeev gets the full five points with 81.

Well done, Sanjeev. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, everybody, will you make your way to the stage

for this series' first final task of the show?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, young fellow-my-lad. Hi, Greg.

Who will be reading the task out?

Sanjeev will, please. Ah.

"End up on your spot.

"You must obey the Taskmaster's instructions.

"Closest person to their spot at the end of the task wins."

So it's quite a simple task.

They're all standing on spots.

At the end of the task, you need to be as close

to your spot as possible.

I have the health and safety whistle.

If there's danger, I'll blow it. Please stop.

First instruction, please.

Completely cover your eyes.

Using one of these.

Pop these on. Nice and tight, please, guys.

Nice and tight.

Oop. Oh, no,

Are they completely...?

MAISIE: What's happened?

Nothing to worry about, one of Sanjeev's eyes fell off.

Oh.

OK. March on the spot until the end of the task.

So that means, whatever happens, you must keep marching.

Spin 360 degrees.

Continue to march on the spot but with higher knees.

WHISTLE Just, just, uh...

just be careful, just be careful, just be careful.

Take two big steps backwards.

Keep marching. That's plenty, Sanjeev.

That's plenty, Sanjeev.

Next instruction, please.

Take two nice big steps...

..to the left.

Oh, Maisie!

You're fine.

You're fine, you're fine.

Take two nice big steps forward.

Forward...forward.

That's fine, you're right on the edge.

Take two nice wide steps to the right.

Go back a bit, mate.

Where's the edge? Where's the edge?

Don't worry, don't worry. False alarm.

Keep marching.

Jump quite high twice.

Oof!

March on the spot flamboyantly.

Stop! WHISTLE

Please freeze in those positions.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Was it all a dream?

How did I end up facing that way?

We'll score those and we'll add it to your final scores.

Come down here and join me!

Well, well, well. Hmm.

Genuinely dangerous.

Yes, they should have been wearing protective clothing.

They should. Or we should have put a mat down.

Or we should have thought it through more. Still,

the thing was, they were meant to stay on their spots.

They didn't really do that.

Reece, you were the furthest,

you get one point at the end of that.

Phil, two points.

Sanjeev, you came third, three points.

Second place, Maisie, four points.

Ania, you were the closest at the end.

You get the full five points! Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So? And so it's a tighter first episode

than some of us were expecting at the beginning.

At the bottom, it's Sanjeev with 12 points,

but our first winner, with 19 points,

it's Maisie Adam! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Maisie Adam wins!

Please, go and celebrate with some soft things

I would benefit from having, but I'm not getting!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media