Original subtitles

Okay, the minute a scene doesn't feel real,

readers are gonna check out.

So, you have to do your research.

If any of you have read my book Blade of the Glades, you--

I've never read any of your books.

Thank you for interrupting to let me know that.

The story involves Rooster

chasing a one-legged assassin through the swamp on a fan boat.

In order to write that scene, I went to the Everglades

and I learned how to pilot a fan boat.

How did you research what it's like to be disabled for Victor, the assassin?

I kind of winged that part of it.

In my defense, Victor loses his leg to an alligator,

and then on the very next page, Rooster blows up Victor's boat.

So, he really only lives the life of a one-legged assassin

for 90 seconds, tops.

Okay, your first drafts are due

before Thanksgiving break, so please get 'em in.

Tommy, I'm really sorry about the other night.

And if you wanna talk about it--

Not ever.

Yeah, me neither.

But I still would like to help you get your grades up.

Look, I have a rule. If I see a dude over 50's penis,

I need at least a week before we hang out.

Why would you have had to make that a rule?

You know, I only wore these so you wouldn't see me

scrunch my eyes every time I look at you.

'Cause all I can see is a snake slithering between two Gatorade trees.

That is actually a beautifully crafted sentence.

-Really? You fucked my mom. -Oh, nice.

-No. No thanks, Eva. -Okay.

He is still pretty upset about the whole thing.

Yeah, he's big, but he's a sensitive boy. Hmm.

It doesn't help that his father left me for his high school math teacher.

Tommy's had to deal with a lot of his favorite teachers

having sex with his parents.

-That can be really tricky. -Yeah.

I don't want to do this.

What's going on?

Just, I mean, you're leaving soon anyway.

I feel like we should end it.

Yeah, I understand. I...

Okay, good. So...

-Say goodbye. -Okay.

-Okay, goodbye. -Bye.

Bye.

-One more time. -Okay.

-Mm. Mm. -Bye.

-Okay. -Alright.

-Right. -Okay.

I've enjoyed our time together, Greg Russo.

As have I, Cristle Butera.

Ah! Professor Russo.

A moment of your time?

I'm gonna meet you in there.

Will you get them ready to talk about Jasper Johns, please?

-How? -Just tell them

we're gonna talk about Jasper Johns in a minute.

See, that is why you're the teacher.

No.

Guys! Who's ready to hear about "Japlis" Johns?!

Except not right now, because we're not ready at all.

Gosh, she's quite the character.

Lily is amazing.

Oh, you should put a baby in her.

-Ha! -What do you want?

Actually...

Okay, so since you and I are no longer seeing each other

-carnally... -Ew.

...I really just wanted you to know that I'm hoping

that you still choose us.

I mean...

the prospect of you not being in my life is, frankly...

Well, it's unbearable.

-Thoughts? -Suck my dick.

It's not a "no." I can work with that.

I'm gonna come back here every single morning

-till you make a decision. -Mm-hmm.

And you take your time. A hundred days, 1,000 days.

Doesn't matter to me. I'll be here. I'll walk 500 miles. I'll walk 500 mo--

Don't do that.

Oh, and I brought you your favorite croissant.

-Did you get the jam I like? -Bien sûr!

I have to dash, but I'll see you here tomorrow.

Okay.

And you know the worst part?

I didn't even want the Dean of Faculty gig in the first place.

And now, I miss it.

I miss being heard, you know?

What are you babbling about over there?

I'm sorry. I thought that would make you laugh.

Look, I think you should stop seeing this Dean thing

as something that you lost and start seeing it as a gift,

that you actually know what you want.

Pretty shitty gift.

Greg, why is there a lock on our special door?

Well, Walt, there's a lock on your door.

-I'm the president, Greg. -He has a point.

-Oh, is Dylan here? -What?

I couldn't see you before. Hello.

-Hey. Okay, let me... -I'd like to get in.

-As soon as possible. -Okay, Walt.

-Hey! I have to unlock this. -Greg?

Okay? I need to close the door.

-Walt, let me do it! -Well, get some

-espresso on it. -Step back.

Here we go.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

-Uh-huh. -What's up?

Cristle has gotten our hockey coach into the same rehab facility

that her ex-husband used to frequent.

While he's away, I'd like you to fill in as our head hockey coach.

Well, yeah, I'd love that.

Oh, terrific, perhaps you could come by the hothouse later on

and we could discuss details.

Well, maybe not today. Maybe some other--

-Okay, then. Dylan? -Huh?

Would you go on a coffee walk with me in a few?

-Love to. -See that?

That's how you say yes to somebody.

Huh! Easy peasy.

Are you trying to poke the bear?

He barged in last week,

and I was sitting there looking at my belly button,

and I couldn't explain why.

How about now?

Well, it's just something I do.

Okay.

-I can hear that, Greg. -Okay.

Walt, please stop anonymously submitting sonnets to The Review.

They're all about Ireland and Teddy Roosevelt, I know it's you.

I'm not sure what you're talking about, but I do have exciting news.

Professor Enright is going to retire

-at the end of the semester. -Mm.

He wants to really focus on hating his wife and his family.

So, I...

I'd like to make you the Head of the English Department.

-Wow. -I know.

I'm grateful.

But I want Dean of Faculty.

-Huh. -I know you and Riggs

are old buddies, but he is problematic on a good day.

I'm a better fit for the school.

Greg made me realize that I owe it to myself

-to say that to you. -Well...

Greg strikes again.

Outstanding.

So, last week, I was in class.

-And I was-- -Coming in hot.

-Oh, shit. -Oh!

-Fuck yes, bacon! -That's my shit, bitch.

-Come on. -Mm!

You're gonna love Sunny's dad. My favorite thing about him personally

-is how much he's gonna hate you. -Ha, ha!

Well, you never know, Mo. I might charm him.

What are you high on?

Hi, sorry we're late.

Dad wanted to drive around and look at the leaves dying.

They're so red!

Now, back in Appleton, you get the one big rain.

Boom! It's stick season.

Oh, Mo! How's it hanging?

Better now that you're here, Freddy!

-You're looking good. -Ah, you know.

It is an honor to finally meet you, sir.

-Get in here. -Oh.

You're bringing a baby into my life. God bless you.

Alright, alright! This is not what I paid to see.

Oh, boy.

How you doing?

I thought you'd fight for me.

What would you have done if I had?

I'd turn you down.

Do you want me to go?

Yeah.

-Okay. -Thanks.

Cristle, I don't see my daily schedule.

Is there a chance that'll show up eventually?

No.

Fair enough.

Oh, oh!

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

-Oh, my croissant. Thank you. -There you go.

There's some jam on the inside.

And I got you a cortado.

Oh.

Full disclosure, this was for me, but they--

They didn't quite get the foam right.

You know, this is really the kinda thing

you should have done when we were together.

But now I am. This is how this works.

I bring you a delicious breakfast treat,

I ask you if you've decided to be with me or not,

you say you haven't quite made your decision yet,

but still kind of flirty,

'cause you give me this cute little smile.

Ooh, buffering. It's buffering. There it is. Okay.

Beautiful, it's like classical music.

You should go.

Okay. Well, I can't stay.

-I don't want you to. -I know you want me to be here,

-but I can't, I can't stay, I've gotta go. -Go.

Okay, maybe it's a latte tomorrow and less talking?

Tomorrow it is.

Oh, hey, Roscoe!

You mangy mutt.

-This dog is nothing but trouble. -Oh!

I tell you, we have wandered around so much,

I doubt that I can find my way back to my daughter Sunny's place.

-Who? -Sunny.

You look familiar.

-I don't think I do. -Oh.

Well, how do you know Roscoe?

I'm a good...

dog guy.

I like dogs.

I like to know all the dogs on campus by name, if I can.

You know, try to learn 'em.

Back there, see, that's Fergus!

-Aww. -And that's Lisa Ann.

She's a good girl.

Boy, Lisa Ann's got a big set of balls on her.

Yeah, she's very self-conscious about that.

-Alright, well, have a good day. -Yeah, yeah.

-Oh, hey, Greg. -Oh, hey, Walt.

I didn't see you lurking over there.

If you were looking for Cristle, she decided to take

her Thanksgiving break a bit early.

Oh, okay. Why?

Well, I asked her, and she just said to ask Greg.

Oh, I had a cough last week. Little cough.

And maybe she caught it from being in the same room

that I had previously been in.

You know, funny story...

I didn't get my schedule from her the other day,

and I subsequently missed

the head of the Board of Trustees' birthday dinner.

Now, my five-year contract is up at the end of this school year.

And I snubbed him.

That is bad timing.

Yeah, it sure was.

-But we persevere! -Yes, we-- Yes.

-Don't we? We persevere. -Yes, we do.

Oh, say, Greg, quick question before you shove off.

What are we, Greg?

What?

What is this? What are we doing?

-Am I supposed to come in? -I don't know, Greg.

'Kay.

You know, it feels like only yesterday

that you were right here in my office

asking me to save your daughter's job out of...

What was it? Do you remember what it was?

I don't.

-Friendship. -Ah.

Greg, ever since that day,

I have been making a list of your transgressions in my mind.

Would you like to hear them?

Not especially.

You broke Cristle. You encouraged Dylan to think big.

You lied about hockey. You put a lock on our special door.

You have not been back in the hothouse since day one.

And you may or may not be helping your ex-wife

to take my job.

Okay, I would like to be accountable.

So, I will respond to those in order.

I'm sorry.

Thinking big is not a bad thing.

Sorry. Sorry. It's just too hot for me.

And the last one is crazy.

Fine.

-Great. -Help me brainstorm

a couple of birthday present ideas to mitigate my absence?

I really have to go through the galleys

of my new book, so...

You know what's curious?

The morning after my bar night, I came into the office

and my sphinxes were facing the wrong direction,

almost like someone had removed them and then put them back.

You don't know anything about that, do you?

You know what makes a great present?

Whoo, this thing's great!

Keep in mind, the guy's 80. Do you think this will be okay for him?

I'd get him a helmet. Maybe a bell.

Done. I need a favor from you.

Dylan seems to listen to you,

and I can't give her that Dean of Faculty gig.

So, I need you to convince her

that being the head of a department is not a consolation prize.

Yeah, I will if it comes up.

So, you want me to make it come up?

Thank you.

Say, if I got one of these bad boys,

maybe...

Maybe you and I could go out and do some riding.

Yeah, maybe.

You ruined it.

My dad likes this place, so be prepared to eat every meal here while he's in town.

Well, you'll hear no complaints from me.

Fred, you have to consider me a fellow creature of habit.

You should see me with my cortados.

They have to be just the right temperature.

The froth has to be just so, it's...

Bug, tell him about my cortados.

He likes his cortados.

Oh. Yeah.

I'm trying a little hard, aren't I?

-Yeah. -Sorry.

Uh-huh, but I appreciate it.

What's with the accent, by the way?

My dad doesn't think accents are real.

Are you pumping that up for us?

No. King's English. Yeah.

Sorry.

I gotta go to my morning seminar and then the OB appointment.

Okay, darling. Alright.

-See ya. -Yeah, see you later.

Whoa, whoa. No one leaves without a smooch.

Yes.

-Mwah. Love you. -Bye. See ya.

Bye.

-Get my dad home. -Oh, you bet.

Isn't she the best?

What's wrong with you?

You should be going to that appointment.

-It's just a routine checkup. -No, no, no.

Okay, Norah and I, we couldn't have a kid on our own.

I would have killed to go to a routine checkup.

This baby is a gift.

Give yourself over to it. I promise, it'll grab your heart.

Now, go catch her and tell her.

Yes, sir.

Oh, whoa, whoa. No one leaves without a smooch.

-Okay. -What are you do--

What are you doing? Come on, I'm joking.

-It's a joke. -Didn't know, I didn't know,

but now I do, so that's good. Okay.

I really put myself out there with Walt,

and he still hasn't given me an answer.

Total radio silence.

Ugh, fuck that guy.

Hey, Zoey, are you still looking for a cause

to sink your teeth into?

So badly. I want something important enough

to justify a new tattoo, but it can't be a cult.

Oh, my God, you guys have no idea how many people are doing cool things

just to get you to join their cult.

I've been in three.

Okay, let's not get off track.

Zoey, what about the fact that there are not enough women

in positions of power here at Ludlow?

-Hear, hear. -Well, I love that,

but I don't know if it would fit on a t-shirt.

Well, what about "More women on top"?

I'd wear that t-shirt.

-Ew. -What?

-Give him a second. -What are you...

Almost.

-Oh, no, No, no, no. -Mm.

I would not wear that.

-I can't. -That's gross.

That's not-- The position is not gross.

It's fun and not--

-We're not talking about it. -Don't-- We got it.

Anyway, hey. And speaking of powerful women,

I heard that you were offered the Head of the English Department.

-Mm-hmm. -Pretty cool.

Did Walt tell you to come and talk to me to get me more psyched about it?

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

-Yes, he did. I'm sorry. -Dude!

-Oh, Dad! -I know.

-Seriously? -You are the supreme problem.

I know. I got roped into it.

-I'm sorry, I'm trying to-- -Come on!

-Why are you-- -I'm trying to run interference.

-I'm trying to help everybody out. -This is not football.

Whose team...

Oh, okay, let's not get hysterical, ladies.

Ooh...

Dad.

I know, as the words came out of my mouth, I felt a chill running down my spine.

Walt means well.

He just can't offer you the job that you want.

It's his decision. What the hell are you talking about?

I don't know, I never know. I don't know why I came over here.

Excuse me, sorry.

Oh, that's Walt.

-He wants to know how this is going. -Oh.

All is forgiven if you send him a pic of what we look like right now.

-Can I make it a selfie? -Sure.

Alright, here we go.

Well, now.

That's going on the transgression list.

Mr. Russo.

I didn't recognize you earlier because of the helmet.

And my wife will never believe that I got to meet my favorite author

if I don't get you to sign this.

-Yes, of course. Sure, sure. -Great.

Fred Salewski.

-Greg Russo. -Hey.

Just so you know, my daughter clued me in

on our personal connection.

I don't know all the dogs' names. Just kinda...

-That, I figured. Yeah. -It was stupid.

So I'll just make this out to the man

whose daughter is impregnated by my daughter's husband.

Or Fred?

Let's do Fred.

Women are underrepresented on the Ludlow faculty by 6.27%,

and are most noticeably absent from the higher levels,

holding only 28% of administrative positions.

My girl's got mad research skills.

President Mann, I love Ludlow.

But we can do better, and I'm gonna keep pushing for that.

Speaking truth to power is kinda my kink.

-He doesn't need to know that. -Sorry.

Thank you for your time, sir.

Of course. And please know that my door

is always open, especially when

my gatekeeper's out having a nervous breakdown.

-Thank you so much. -Thank you.

She's so cool, right?

Also, she's really bright, and...

has a nose ring.

I'm sorry, I'm just talking. You make me nervous.

I'm glad.

Unfortunately, I have other pressing issues.

Apparently, the school mascot costume

has been stolen and is out engaged in malfeasance.

Right, I actually think I might have seen him

peeing in the fountain last night.

Well, thank you for not telling anyone until now.

Thank you.

Also...

Dylan Shepard should be Dean of Faculty.

I'm biased because I love her, but everybody loves her.

So, seems like kind of an easy call.

Okay, anyway. Peace out.

Sorry, I don't-- I didn't know how to leave.

I've been in the crosshairs before. What is it you always say?

Leave it alone. It'll blow over.

Riggsy, I did a deep dive into your file.

-Yeah? -You really told a student

that they couldn't reschedule an exam after their grandmother died because...

it was "the natural order of things"?

Ah, she was 88, and a fatty.

You told our new Classics professor that she was "top heavy in a good way"?

You put me in a room with ten women, four of 'em take that as a compliment.

Four's not enough.

These are not the times that we came up in, pal.

A few years back, I felt this place leaving me behind,

so I ran as fast as I could to catch up.

Now, I don't always get there, but I damn sure make the effort.

You? You don't even try.

Look!

Do I enjoy the occasional off-color remark?

Yes. They're fun.

But blah, blah, the world is changing. I need to change with it. Fine.

So, give me a chance.

You know, lying in that hospital bed...

I realized I never want to leave this place.

This school is my life.

Walt...

I'm your friend.

I have never asked you for anything.

I'm asking you for this.

Don't cut me loose.

I'll even stop smoking inside, if that helps.

It is the law.

Come on, you can't give someone a wake-up call

and not give 'em a chance to wake up.

Please.

I gotta go. I'm late for class.

Alright.

Oh, good.

He's got a truck.

Hmm. Nope, that's not jelly.

That is actual blood. I'm bleeding.

Okay, great.

Oh!

That's far enough right there.

You know, it is super illegal to have two people

-riding that at the same time? -What?

Oh, my gosh, when did you jump on?

I'm sorry, I had no idea she was there.

Yeah, right. Well, I heard that you're the new head coach.

Temporary head coach.

Well, either the three of us are taking a ride down to the station...

Oh, I'm not going nowhere.

...or you give me a written guarantee that my son starts next week.

And instead of his last name on the back of the jersey,

-it just says "The Man." -I cannot do that.

But, you know, DJ is a good player, so he's gonna get plenty of ice time.

Deal.

God, I love being a cop.

Weird. Ugh.

Oh. Message from Walt.

"Regarding the Dean of Faculty position,

"I feel it would be most prudent for me to entrust the Board

with this important decision for the future of Ludlow."

-That sounds like a bit of a cop out. -Yeah.

They'll probably keep Riggs.

You know, they don't love to shake things up.

See ya.

Glad you came.

No, it's been great. I learned a load about prenatal vitamins,

and heart rate increases, and mucus plugs.

Yeah, admittedly, that last one did make my tumbly

feel a little bit rumbly, but, no, it's great.

I do wish that your OB

wasn't quite so enamored with puns, though.

I know, right?

Okay.

Before you go, do you want to see your baby?

We could do a quick ultrasound.

Ooh!

-Okay. -'Kay.

Let's take a look.

Oh, my God, Bug, look, he has my chin.

He's beautiful.

You're so beautiful.

You two should really get a "womb."

-Oh. -Oh, s...

Alright, stop it. Seriously, I'll switch doctors.

Hey.

Well, look who's returned to the hothouse.

Could you come out to talk for a sec?

I'm in the middle of a session, Greg.

-Door, door, door, door. -Alright. Ugh.

Alright, well, it's fine. I'm sweaty already.

-Hockey practice. -Can we cut to the chase?

I know you're here to talk about Dylan.

I don't want you to do anything you're gonna regret.

And I don't want to suffer a lecture from somebody

who's shown me nothing but disrespect.

-Disrespect? When did I-- -You had sex on my desk.

I...

Yes, I did, I did. I disrespected you one time.

I disrespected you and your desk, I'm sorry.

I'm a painfully lonely man, Greg.

I met Riggs the first week I started here.

We just clicked.

I have a wife who travels the planet six months a year,

and I have an endless parade of work acquaintances.

So, friends are in short supply.

And I know, I'm a lot.

Yeah, you are.

It's a lot.

Here I thought you were gonna disagree with me on that one.

Look at you, you're half-naked. Just...

I am not as body confident as you.

Nobody is.

Here's the thing.

I had led myself to believe that you and I

were going to be thick as thieves.

Walt...

I can't tell you...

how or why anyone ever connects with each other.

I mean, you can meet someone

and be overwhelmed by their lack of boundaries.

-Yeah! -I didn't necessarily mean you.

Sorry, I have to get outta here before I pass out.

Okay.

The bottom line is this.

Dylan is your friend, too.

Whatever decision you make, it has to be your choice.

Hey, everybody's ready to go.

I'm gonna be in one minute.

Why don't you get them talking about Robert Rauschenberg?

And how his personal relationship with Jasper Johns

created a dialogue that incorporated modern media into art.

Yes, on it.

-Thank you. -So, dorks, Rauschenberg.

He and Jasper J, guys,

they were shacking up. What's up with that?

Not really.

Okay.

Pablo Neruda is most famous for his love poems.

But, Nothing but Death

may be the saddest poem ever written.

"There are cemeteries that are lonely.

Graves full of bones that do not make a sound."

I hate to interrupt the fun, but can I have a quick word with you?

What's up?

The first thing I need from you as my new Dean of Faculty

is a list of suggestions

for the new Chair of the English Department.

Can you do that for me?

Of course. On your desk tomorrow.

Onward.

Alright. Where were we?

"The heart moving through a tunnel.

"In it, darkness...

darkness, darkness."

There we are. But I will try to knock from now on.

Seems fair.

Walt.

What are you doing right now?

Oh-ho-ho!

We should set a time to do this every day.

Maybe.

What if we formed a gang? The Ludlow Swingers.

I don't know about that as a gang name.

-Whoo! Gang time. -Oh, my God.

Bye-bye.