All language subtitles for Our Miss Fred (1972)-en

- Biting well, today, Bob?
- Okay, Fred.

- Morning, Ted.
- Morning.

I'm frightfully sorry, old chap,
I can't make it next week.

- I'm playing Hamlet, you know?
- Hamlet?

You're not playing Hamlet,
you're joining the army!

The army, do you hear me?

And you'd better be here
or we'll come and fetch you, understand?

Hello there, boy. All right?

Hello, Dan.

All right, old girl? Oh, shut up.

Wimbush!

Where do you think you've been,
you horrible man?

I'm sorry I'm late, sir, I broke down.

Shut your mouth when you're talking to me.

We've had to start without you.

Get in there,
get your gear on, get stuck in.

Yes, sir.

If ever the Germans do get to France,
it won't be no concert party.

You'll find out what it's all about.

Cor… Sometimes I wish
the Jerries would get here, mate.

Yes, but dash it all, Bertie.

Lucy's a costermonger's daughter and
she thinks I'm a steward in tourist class.

How can I tell the poor creature
that I'm a bally Earl?

Ah, but Bobby, old fruit,
girls are very democratic these days.

If she really loves you,
she won't mind a bit.

- Any sign of Wimbush?
- Just arrived, sir.

Thank goodness for that.
We've waited long enough.

Shh! Here she comes now!

Gosh! My heart's beating
like a bally steam engine.

Gosh! My heart's beating
like a bally steam engine.

Gosh! My heart's beating…

Sex-starved berks!

Oh, whatever a girl
under a greater dilemma than I…

My poor Bobby, my true love,
and underpaid steward.

And me, me, the daughter
of a wealthy Count.

Count… Oh, how can I tell him
who I really am?

His pride might come between us.

That's not all that'll come
between you, Fred mate.

Here I am, look at me.
A poor lost little rich girl…

How can I win my own true love?

Lucy, darling!

Watch it, soldier.

Oh, Bobby, my dear!

Our Lucy!
You're the prettiest girl on the boat.

Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls.

Oh, he really has gone overboard for me.

Promise you'll meet me
on the promenade deck tonight.

Oh, I promise, Bobby.

And whatever I tell you,
you won't hold it against me?

You can have money on that, mate.

Oh, I promise, Bobby. Until tonight, then.

Until tonight, then.

Go on!

You're standing on me bloody frock,
you twerp!

Until tonight, then! Ta-da!

Look at me, look. Dressed as a bird.

Male leads are more my mark, you know.

They came from miles away
to see my Titus Andronicus.

Better get out and flash it at the lot
out there, then. They're getting restless.

- Are they? That's my lipstick.
- You can have it, it's not my shade.

- You have it. It matches your eyeballs.
- Come on, Wimbush, you'll be late again.

I don't care if I never get there, boy.

Look, I came here
to fight the bleeding Germans.

For six months, I've trained as
a motor mechanic and dressed up as a tart.

- Wimbush!
- Sir!

Belt up and get out there.

You got the men panting with lust.

- You don't want to disappoint them.
- No, sir.

- Then hop to it!
- Right, sir!

- And Wimbush?
- Sir?

- I fancy you.
- Dirty git.

Oh, never again.

When I get my trousers back on,
they're on for life.

- Colonel…
- It's damn bad form.

You start a war, do damn all
about it for six months,

then suddenly decide to march in.

It's not how we did things in Sandhurst.

This is a new concept, Colonel.

We call it the Blitzkrieg.

While you Englanders
have been engaging in culture,

we have been taking over Europe.

Tomorrow, Paris. Next week, London.
Next month, the world!

You won't be liked for it.

Hey, look, I know we're not
the Old Vic, but… Blimey!

My regrets, madam,
to have interrupted your performance.

The Wehrmacht does not wage war on women.

Particularly when they are
as lovely as madam.

Here, get off…

- Good bye.
- But I want to go with them!

I regret, that is impossible.

Sir, they're leaving without me.

Well done, Wimbush.
It's your duty to evade capture.

And don't ever let on you're a man,
you'd be shot as a spy.

Shot as a spy is nothing sir.
I want my trousers!

Damn your trousers! This is for England.

Au revoir, miss Wimbush.

Auf Wiedersehen, my chicken.

Oh this is not my day.

- Look at this.
- Cor…

Good afternoon, afternoon.

- English, huh?
- She's well pretty, eh?

Look, mates, er… Parlez English? English?

Me… Trouver some clobber? Clobber?

Understand?

You see, I'm a fella. Fella.
Look, muscles.

Oh, yeah!

- Yeah, you want some of that?
- She likes it!

I don't think you've tumbled, mate.
I want some trousers.

Trousers.

Don't you worry, lass, we got it!

- We're coming down!
- Don't you worry, lassie!

- We're gonna have a good time!
- Hurry up, now!

You go first!

- We're gonna last all night!
- Well worth it!

I see you're coming in for a paddle, then.

Come on, now, Jean-Claude!

You're making a terrible mistake, lads.
All I was asking for was trousers.

She's athletic too!

Listen, you thick apes!
You're taking coals to Newcastle!

You can't get a square peg
into a square peg!

- She's strong, I like it!
- After her!

Does mademoiselle need assistance?

No, but I could do with a bit of help!

My dear Miss Wimshrub…

- Er… "bush".
- Oh, "bush", I beg your pardon.

My dear Fräulein Wimshrub,
you are in grave danger.

I am?

At the moment,
the German advance is so swift

we have no time
to concern ourselves with civilians.

But it will not always remain so.

Oh, nobody will be interested
in poor little me.

Soon, the Gestapo will be here.

They will be very interested
in an English lady in a battle area.

- But I'm just a poor weak woman.
- It will make no difference to them.

If your plan is to try to get to England,
I can assure you, you are a dead goose.

Oh dear.

There is, of course, an alternative.

Oh really, what's that?

You are a very beautiful creature.

You mustn't say things like that.

You have everything a woman should have
and a bit more.

Well, you're right… and wrong.

I should be honoured
to offer you my protection.

That is very sweet of you but
I couldn't offer you anything in return.

Oh but you could.

No, believe me, I really couldn't.

- There's someone else?
- Yes.

I suppose you could say
that I'm very much a one-man woman.

I think I could change your mind.

You will accompany me to Headquarters…

- Psst!
- I haven't touched a drop!

- Over here!
- Where?

Here!

- English?
- Yes.

Thought so! Hah!

Jane Farquar Flodden.

Headmistress and Girl Guide leader,

in the latter capacity,
known as "Brown Owl."

And this is Miss Lockhart,
Riding and Sports.

Sometimes known as "Wood Pigeon."

- How do you coo?
- Oh I say, witty as well as pretty!

- Hello. Oh, do allow me.
- Oh, thanks.

Being a mouse,

Miss Lockhart has always worshipped
women more forceful than herself.

It's a cross
you'll have to learn to bear, Miss…

- Wimbush. But I'm not really a…
- Did those German hooligans molest you?

If they had, they'd've had
a very nasty shock.

Knows how to look after herself!
The old breed liveth, thank God.

- Bully for you.
- No, it's not that.

It's been a nightmare. Hiding from
the German troops, the British troops…

- Hiding from the British troops?
- Soldiers are soldiers, Miss Wimbush.

Put any male brute in the army,
English or German,

and he becomes an instant rapist.

I know, I've had my share in the last lot.

- Did you really?
- Not that we mind so much for ourselves.

- It's the girls!
- The girls?

We've been living off the land.
Girl Guide training.

Far superior to the Boy Scouts.

Never imagine a Boy Scout
is above you, Miss Wimbush.

- Well I won't, if you won't.
- Huh?

Oh, I'm sorry,
it's all this French cooking.

Culinary pornography, nothing less.

A modest cutlet
and a chastely boiled potato

are all a grown girl needs.

- That's what we gave them at the school.
- The school?

Yes, Miss Lockhart and I
were at my finishing school near hear

when the German advance started.
We set out for the Channel ports.

- Oh, wouldn't Spain be better?
- Spain?

There's nothing in Spain but olive-skinned
rapists with patent leather hair.

However, the question is now academic.

Our little car broke down two days ago
and we were stranded.

You've got a car?

- Do you know anything about cars?
- Well, a little.

Oh please, fix it for us.

If we don't get it going again,
I don't know what we'll do.

- Not to worry, it's one of ours.
- Oh.

Think of our responsibility, Miss Wimbush.

Our girls are the cream
of young womanhood.

Ripe, nubile young beauties.

- Just think of it.
- I am thinking of it.

Only Miss Lockhart and myself
stand between them and vile ravishment.

What you need is a man to look after you.
Now I…

Miss Wimbush, you haven't been listening.

Suppose you met a nice chap,
of our boys, on the run from the Jerries.

A nice, clean, respectable young man

who looks on all women
as though they were his sisters.

I met such a man when I was
a nurse behind the lines in 1917.

I can only say he can only have had
a bizarre relationship with his sister.

But supposing…

Were I to meet such a man today,

I would abandon him to the Germans
without a qualm.

Miss Flodden, supposing it were my Rodney…

Your fiancé is probably in uniform by now,
raping away with the best of them.

Oh!

What were you about to say, Miss Wimbush?

Nothing.

What brought you to France?

- Oh, I was invited to a party.
- Oh!

- Now, where's your little car?
- We've got it hidden.

Follow us, do as we do.

- What's your first name?
- Fred. Frederica.

Oh.

Thank you.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

- My parents never did that.
- You could be right.

Perhaps they preferred it like that?

My father couldn't do
anything like that, he's a judge!

Well, I'm sure he took his wig off, first.

- I don't want it.
- Oh!

Now then, girls, the three main
causes of the American Revolution.

Elvira, you should know that one.

Here come two of them now.

They're my girls!

- How many?
- Four.

And one, American.

Oh, Miss Flodden, you're back!

Girls, status report.

- All quiet, Miss Flodden.
- No male persons lurking about?

No, Miss Flodden.

You know what to do with a male person
should you find one.

Yes, we've just been looking it up…

Who's this, Miss Flodden?

This is Miss Wimbush.

Came over here for a party,
found herself grappling with the Hun.

She's therefore joining us
for her protection.

We'll be delighted to have you.

Mutual, I'm sure.

There's something else, too.

Miss Wimbush will be able
to help us fix our little car.

Do you really know all about engines?

Well, I know a gasket from a gusset,
if you see what I mean.

Girls?

- Take miss Wimbush to Agatha.
- This way.

Oh, it's not fair, it's not fair.

Ooh, shiver me timbers.

Are you all right, Miss Wimbush?

Yes, dear. Just pass me a Bristol.
I mean, spanner.

Would you like me to get under and help?

Not at the moment, thank you.

Shouldn't the car be jacked up a bit more?

I think it's going to be, any minute now.

- How's it going?
- I've just finished, Miss Lockhart.

Have you plumbed her secrets?

I've plumbed all their secrets.

Thank you, Prunella.

You're a genius!

Here, let me wipe the oil off your face.

No thank you, I quite like
a drop of oil from time to time.

Oh, well done, Miss Wimbush.
What was wrong?

Oh, what wasn't wrong?
When did you last have her serviced?

Oh, please, Miss Wimbush,
not in front of the girls!

Well, I mean, you haven't
greased her nipples for 20 years.

Miss Wimbush, what can you mean?

Dinner!

- Thank goodness.
- Come on.

Wimbush, Miss Wimbush!

Oh God… Laurel and Hardy.

Oh, and Miss Wimbush?

If you are to accompany us tomorrow,
you will need more discreet attire.

That dress is a positive provocation.

I wish I could look like that.

We found suitable peasant dresses
for the girls,

you, however, are a different problem.

Yes, I thought it would be safer
if I dressed as a man.

No, you'd never get away with it.

The very idea!

But it's easily solved.

These things belonged to my geography
mistress who is widely travelled.

Rather strange girl, but a good teacher.

I'm sure you'll find something suitable.

Let's go behind the hay bales
and try a few things on.

- No thank you.
- Oh, go on!

No, I'm very tired,
I thought perhaps in the morning.

Quite right. We must all turn in.

Big match tomorrow.

Girls, up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire!

Yes, miss Flodden.

- They're mine!
- No, they're mine!

It's all right, Miss Wimbush,
we're all girls together.

Yes, that's just the point, you see…

Don't you think it's draughty in here?

I've got a very sensitive chest.

I've had it since I was a child.

Wakes me up at seven.

What we girls go through
for the sake of fashion.

Have you cleaned your teeth
before you go to beddie-byes?

Oh, do be a dear.

I wonder if anybody's got any Veet.

Do you mind if I come in with you?
I'm nervous.

I think it would make me nervous too.

It wouldn't, honestly,
I'd tell you a fairy story.

I could tell you a few and all.

Miss Lockhart,
be brave, you're a big girl, now.

Yes, Miss Flodden!

Sleep tight!

Shh…

- I've got a secret.
- So have I.

- We've decided you're a sport.
- Oh, I am.

- So you've got to be in on it.
- In on what?

Meet us in the barn in five minutes.

Perhaps they're all fellas.

Take no notice.

Pretend I'm not here.

- Sorry.
- It's all right.

Girls! Here!

Oh, you found him.

That was our secret.

I came up for a breath of air
and heard someone coming.

So I grabbed a spot of cloud cover.

- Who's this charming lady?
- It's all right, she's with us.

Isn't he sweet? And he's all ours.

We found him in the fields two days ago.

He was dangling from a tree
in his parachute harness.

He'd been there for hours!

Damn painful too, I can tell you.

- Smallpiece.
- Just as well, isn't it?

Huh? Squadron leader, Smallpiece.

- Have they told you the form?
- Form?

- That Miss Flodden mustn't know.
- She'd leave him for the Germans.

That's why he's got to come with us.
It's our duty!

- Understand?
- Understood.

Good show.

I've brought you some rabbit pie.

Oh, wizard. Thanks.

And we'll try to get
some civilian clothes tomorrow.

Oh, bang on.

Well…
Better hit the old hay, I suppose.

- Back the the old stables for you girls.
- Yes.

- Goodnight.
- Toodle oo, off you go, bye bye.

Come on, Frederica.

Yes… Hm…

I knew you were a goer
the moment I clapped my eyes on you.

When you get to the Y fronts,
don't scream.

I'm 61972, Wimbush,
Royal Army Service Corps.

And I'd like to borrow your razor, sir.

Oh.

Down with a bounce,
and a bounce, and rise.

Get that puppy fat off your thighs.

Bend to the left, then bend to the right.

Keep that spare tire out of sight.

Frederica sure wriggled out of this.

I've got your number, Wimbush.
We had a chap like you at school.

Effeminate shower!

- Now, look here, mate…
- Mate?

Who the devil do you think
you're speaking to? You call me sir.

But I told you, sir,
the lads and I were doing a show.

I don't believe a word of that.
Very likely a deserter.

You got yourself tarted up as a girl and
went strolling around looking for Germans.

I know all about the Germans, too,
believe you me.

Oh, but sir…

There was a lot more going on
at those Nuremberg rallies, oh, I know.

It's a nightmare, I tell you, a nightmare!

Here's me lusting after all the girls,

Miss Lockhart following me around
like a faithful hound, and now you.

For two pins, I'd hand myself in
to the Germans. I really would.

Why don't you give me your uniform
and I won't be shot as a spy.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Getting together
with your fun little Teutonic friends.

You're asking
for a mouthful of knuckles… Sir.

You will maintain your cover as a woman.
You will keep that car running.

And you'll take your orders from me
because I have a plan.

- You have?
- And a map.

Right.

Now we are about here.

And we'll head for an airfield
near Calais, here.

- Steal a plane…
- It would be crawling with Germans, sir.

- Huh?
- How about if we make for Spain?

Oh, they like that in Spain, too,
don't they?

Is there nowhere left to stay
for a clean-limbed Englishman?

Trouble is, you wouldn't know one
if you saw one.

- Besides, there's a test, you know?
- Oh, and what would that be?

They say you can always tell
because they're usually…

- Usually what?
- Hard of hearing!

Frederica!

You'll make for the airfield,
that's an order.

And get me some civilian clothes,
that's another.

- How are you going to travel?
- That's all been arranged.

Frederica!

Frederica!

Frederica!

Over here!

- Where?
- Here!

Frederica!

Am I getting warmer?

Quite warmer!

- Am I hotter?
- You're boiling.

Here I am!

- You are a tease!
- But it was fun, wasn't it?

- Thought I heard you talking to someone.
- Yes, it was the local village idiot.

You know the type.
They make officers of them.

Frederica, now that we're alone,
there's something I'd like to ask.

- Oh yes?
- Well…

- You're everything I'd like to be.
- Oh.

I mean, you're so nicely developed
and everything.

Is there anything I can do to… You know?

- I've heard press-ups work wonders.
- Really? Even for me?

- I mean, look!
- Oh!

I think I've heard him again,
the village idiot. You'd better get home.

Last one home's a stinker!

- Frederica!
- Come along!

Oh!

Wimbush!

Miss Wimbush, do hurry up.

We can't wait to see you!

- Oh, there you are.
- Olé!

You forgot to pack this.

We must stop meeting like this!

Three, four, left.

Left, left, two, three, four.

Left, left, left, left…

Left, two, three, four.

Left, left, left, two, three, four.

Left, left…

Left, two, three, four.

Left, left, left, two, three, four, left…

Are you sure you've seen
no sign of a British airman?

But why an airfield, Miss Wimbush?

The Golden Arrow from Paris
is so much nicer.

I don't think you quite understand.
There is a war on.

Hello, trouble.

And with Smallpiece in the boot…

Oh, Herbert!

Girls!

Eyes down, mouths shut and knees together.

Vite, quickly,
there's a maniac on the loose!

- French?
- French, oui, French.

But this maniac!

- You are who?
- Uh… the Comtesse de Chalon.

- You come from where?
- From an orphanage in Lyon.

One of my good works.

- You're going where?
- To a convent in Paris.

But this maniac!

What is in this boot?

A few devotional objects
and some shoes for the deserving poor.

- Open it.
- But this maniac, you must catch him!

I am a soldier, not a policeman!

But he attacked us!

He tried to stop us for a lift
and he tried…

He had a horrible face
with dark staring eyes.

He opened his blue uniform
and took out his…

…gun.

Stop that!

- Blue uniform, you say?
- Oui.

- Where was this?
- About ten miles off the road.

Then he ran into the woods
waving his weapon…

You must catch him!

You must catch him!

Get them out of here!

Let them through!

Skilled mechanic, accomplished actress…

Your talents are quite dazzling,
Miss Wimbush.

Have you anything tucked away
you propose to flash at us?

Not at the moment, no.

Come on, Elvira, hurry up.

Waiter!

At your service, Madam.

- Henri!
- Yes?

We're closed, take off!

- But Florence…
- Shut it! English! Are you nuts?

We require luncheon for eight.

- What is the plat du jour?
- For you, nothing!

There is a war on,
we do not want you here, go away!

My good woman, we require sustenance.

We shall remain here until it is provided.

Oh, really?

But… These Brits are crazy!

Hey, watch it!

Gosh darn it!

The plat du jour, if you please.

Otherwise,
I shall write to the guide Michelin

and have your star taken away.

Right away, madam.
The plat du jour.

I'll remember those things
you said about me, Wimbush.

Well, don't worry about that now, sir.
We've got to get you some clothes.

Look, you can hide in there.

- What about the smell?
- The pigs won't mind, sir.

Ah…

What…

The plat du jour, madam.
There you go!

Miss Lockhart, my umbrella, if you please.

- En garde!
- Oh, my gosh!

Darn you Brits…

Touché!

Bravo, formidable!

The plat du jour, if you please,
and a blanket!

Yes, madam.

- How's that, girls?
- Oh, brilliant!

"Schmidt, Heinrich, room 12."

Hold the ranks tight.

And march on…

Blast it!

What's this?

You dirty daschund!

You little… Stop her!

- Has a woman come by?
- No.

Well, sorry.

It's okay, it's abandoned.

They must have left when the Germans came.

Now, Miss Flodden,
we must get you indoors.

Please, let me help you.

But… I'm perfectly capable
of walking unassisted, thank you.

You'll drill yourself into the ground.
Now, come along.

One, two, three, hup, there we are.

It's the old enemy, malaria.
I caught it in Siam.

Emma, go fetch some wood for the fire.

She's getting worse.

Miss Lockhart,
go and help the girls with their dinner.

Yes, Miss Flodden.

Poor creature.

She means well
but she's quite ineffectual.

Miss Wimbush, I'm done for.

What nonsense, of course not.

An old Girl Guide always knows.

We're like elephants, you know?

I had hoped to go
in the middle of a jolly singsong,

round the campfire,
in the woods at Virginia Walker.

I haven't much time.

Miss Wimbush,

you haven't been with us very long,

but you seem to have something about you

that the others haven't got.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

When I've gone
to the great Girl School in the sky,

I want you to take over for me.

Oh come on, you'll be
as right as rain, tomorrow.

Guard my girls, Miss Wimbush.

Defend them from the ravishments of men.

Take them back to England unblemished.

See that they have
clean knickers every day.

Someone should call for a doctor.

I couldn't, it'll be dark soon.
I might get attacked.

- I'll go!
- She wants to be attacked.

- I'll go!
- No, Miss Flodden wouldn't hear of it.

But you're quite right,
she should have a doctor.

Where's the trunk?

Oh my God, Smallpiece!

I'm sorry, sir. We forgot about you.
There's been a terrible crisis.

- You tried to kill me, you damned swine.
- I did not!

First, you prang me from behind
with a bludgeon,

and you leave me in here to suffocate.

- I've got a lump the size of a duck's egg.
- It was a mistake.

When I get you back to Blighty,
there won't be a charge sheet long enough!

- Oh…
- Where do you think you're going?

I'm going to fetch a doctor,
Miss Flodden is ill.

A likely story.

You're going to desert again.
That's what you're up to.

Get out of that car.

Oh, Herbert, Miss Flodden's dying!

"Oh, Herbert"?

Don't worry, my dear, I'll look after you.

It's so nice to have a man around!
Don't you think so, Frederica?

Yes, we must try and find one.

What did you say?

I said, perhaps you'd like
to go and get the doctor instead.

No, I think I'd better stay
and guard the women.

Make sure you don't get lost,
Miss Wimbush.

Besides, my head needs seeing to.

Better take me up to the barn to uh…
fix me up, my dear.

- Poor thing. Where does it hurt?
- Just there.

Come on, quick!

Halt, halt!

Oh, at last!

- Don't shoot, I'm English.
- English?

- All right, but don't make a sound.
- I can't promise that.

I've got a very nervous stomach.

Oh! I'll be quiet.

Allez, inside, vite!

- Madam, we must change clothes.
- What a smashing idea.

- Don't scream!
- Who's screaming?

I'm not a criminal,
I fight for la belle France.

Don't apologize, boy,
just get your trousers off.

Hey, if they see me
in your clothes, they'll shoot me.

Don't worry, they are looking for a man,
you're a woman.

Once they undress you,
they'll see your innocence.

It won't be my innocence they'll see.
I've changed my mind.

I'm sorry but I have no choice.

My God, help, help!

Help, help, we're going to die!

Help, help!

So, Fräulein Wimbush.

I begin to suspect
you are not quite what you seem.

How do you mean?

I think you're trying
to hide something from me.

First, you escape from my car…

Sir, I was very frightened.

Now, you are discovered
in a military zone,

helping a terrorist against the Reich.

Helping him?
He tried to undress me at gunpoint!

- Surely, your men told you that.
- My men have told me.

And that is the only reason
you have not already been shot.

- What were you doing in this town?
- I was looking for a doctor.

For what purpose?

I met some peasants on the road
and one of the ladies is very ill.

Why did you not come to me for help?

I didn't know you were here.

It's such a comfort,
to have a friend in… high places.

I'm glad you now realise
you need a friend.

Oh, I do.

You are a woman of hidden talents.

I will order dinner
and we shall talk about it.

No, not now. I mean, a girl
likes to look her best, doesn't she?

You look absolutely charming, to me.

I couldn't concentrate on anything

until I know
the poor old peasant woman has a doctor.

Always making excuses!

Never mind.

I can afford to be patient.

You cannot leave this area.

It is now closed by a ring of troops.

Official passes are needed to get out.

Anyone trying to travel without one…

will be shot.

Oh, dear.

I will see to your old peasant woman

and tomorrow,
you will come here and dine with me.

We shall have the whole evening
to ourselves,

alone, undisturbed…

- Is that clear?
- Perfectly clear.

Good. So…

Until tomorrow night.

Until tomorrow.

Next month, I shall be buying you
pretty dresses in London.

That'll make the neighbours sit up.

Come in.

- Until tomorrow.
- Until tomorrow.

Escort her out.

- Well, doctor?
- She's had an attack of malaria.

- Is she going to be all right?
- Oh, she's tough, that one.

I feel sorry not for her,
but for the malaria.

- That means we can travel, then?
- Tomorrow, perhaps, madam.

My account, s'il vous plaît, 2000 francs.

Two thousand francs? That's a bit stiff.

There's a war on.
Terrible news this morning.

The Germans are in Paris. Beloved Paris…

My heart is broken. I weep for her.

Don't get the money wet.

There we go. Thank you, madam.

Sad days, sad days.

- We can be on our way again tomorrow.
- Not without those passes.

Oh, you'll think of something!
You've got the mind of a man!

- What do you mean?
- Oh, it's just a feeling I get.

Like dear old Rodney gives me.
You can cope.

Now, you be a good girl,
you look after Miss Flodden.

I'd better go and see
what the girls are doing.

I left them doing their morning PT.

- Oh, bet I got one that way.
- Over here!

Yes, oh, got her!

Can't see that well.
Oh, there we are, got one!

That's got to be… Prunella.

- I'm not!
- You're still it!

Bad luck.

I'm still it.

- So you say.
- Woo-ooh!

Don't seem to catch any at all.
I don't know what the matter is.

Ah, now which little darling are you?

I think I'll give you the acid test.

Do that and you'll have to marry me.

Wimbush! Er… Miss Wimbush!

Girls, you'll be very happy to hear
Miss Flodden's much better.

That means we can be on our way again.

You've forgotten about these passes.
We can't get through without them.

I've had a jolly good idea
about those beastly passes.

Have you really?

I read this story by Maupassant

it's about these travellers who couldn't
get through this town where Germans were.

Well, there was a woman with them.

- She was a pro.
- What's a pro?

A professional actress.

And she went to the German general
and seduced him!

- What does "seduce" mean?
- Shake hands firmly.

And the General gave them all passes!

Very nice story.

But in real life,
you try getting away with it.

Now, girls, pop off and see Miss Flodden.
She'll be delighted to see you.

- Yes! Good idea.
- Come on!

- You can wipe that smile off your face.
- Perfect opportunity, Wimbush.

General Brinker has invited you to dinner,

he's got the passes
and he'll be waiting for you.

- He'll wait a long time, won't he?
- What's more, it's an order.

An order! Pulling rank, now, are we?

Yes. I'll come along in my SS outfit
to make sure you go through with it.

Might I suggest you shave off
your moustache?

Doesn't quite go with an SS uniform,
do you think?

- Besides, I haven't got a thing to wear.
- What?

- Back to the trunk.
- Yes.

MAC - MACHON RESTAURANT
OPEN AT ALL TIMES

Now, Wimbush, the moment you get
the passes, drop them to me outside.

Then, if you get picked up,
we can still make it.

Oh, charming,
and what am I supposed to do?

- What do you mean?
- You know exactly what I mean.

Well… Lead him on a bit, tease him.

Haven't you had any experience
with women at all?

Plenty, it's the men I'm not so hot on.

Oh. Well, lead him up the garden path,
promise him anything but don't deliver.

I can't deliver!

Oh, my God!

- What?
- It's Schmidt!

Schmidt, the fellow
I got your clothes from.

I've got to get out of here.

What about me? I'm wearing his uniform!

- Here. Is that the hotel?
- I hope so.

Let's get in.

Are you a model?

No, I've got a bad back.

- Ah, English!
- Yes, on the run from the Jerries.

Dirty Krauts!

They have ordered us down from Paris
to give a fashion show for the officers!

And now the fat pigs
tell us we are late! Huh!

Here, you follow me,
we will take care of you.

FASHION SHOW, THE LATEST FROM PARIS

Heil, Hitler.

The woman who sat here,

was she with you?

Yes?

Which way did she go?

Ah. Thank you.

- Heil, Hitler!
- Heil, Hitler!

- Go on then, hurry up!
- Excuse me, but I'm English.

Careful, she's a boche-lover that one.

- You are not a mannequin!
- One of the best!

Yes, I've worked with "Mollynooks."

"Molyneux."
Go on, then, quickly.

Oh, the English,
they are late for everything.

We weren't late for the war, were we?

Obersturmführer.

Obersturmführer.

Please allow me.

Thank you.

Over here, please.

Go ahead.

We always keep the best seats for you.

So, we meet again!

I hear the girls here are wonderful.

Ah!

Now then, Lucille and Nina.

What are you doing? Allez, dépêchez-vous!

- You are next!
- Thank you.

And now, Miss…

Fred.

What?

Frederica, you berk!

Frederica Uberque.

Go on, then!

Frederica, again.

Clap to that!

She stole my uniform!

She took everything else, too!

These women are spies!

- What's the matter, what is wrong?
- A German tried to assault me.

Where is she?

Bye bye, girls.

And now, Yvette.

My God, what a catastrophe!

Heil Hitler!

All right, Wimbush. This is it.
England expects.

England expects
a damn sight too much, sir.

Oh, come off it, Wimbush,
you've been looking forward to it.

You're looking for a bunch of fives, sir.

I hope I'm not too early.

My dear Fräulein Wimbush,
how beautiful you are.

May I? Oh…

Steady on.

Sit down, we must talk, please.

I have been thinking about you
constantly since yesterday.

It seems to me
you are a very special person.

There cannot be
many women around like you.

Oh, I hope you're right.

- Champagne?
- Thanks.

- Now… I have, er… Oh!
- Naughty.

- I have a suggestion to make.
- I thought you might.

You see, Miss Wimbush, the Germans
do not wish to make war on England.

- Europe is enough for us.
- How jolly decent of you.

Now, you can help us.

You can explain to the English

that our Führer wishes to be friends.

They would listen to a woman like you.

I'll tell them as soon as I get home.

No, what I am suggesting,

is that you work for us in Germany,
with Dr. Goebbels' department.

You could make broadcasts to your people

and they would believe you
as a typical English woman.

- Do you think they would?
- Oh, absolutely.

You see, you carry that extra bit
of weight, which is all-important.

- Will you think about it?
- Night and day.

Good.

Excellent.

Germany is the elite of the world.

Und with my help,
you are about to join the club.

We'll make world history there,
General, I can tell you.

Precisely.
Well, we have finished our business.

- Now, to pleasure.
- Really?

First, a toast.

Oh, you have been…

- I'm thirsty.
- Naughty, naughty…

A toast to the future.

May it always astonish us.

Oh, it will, it will.

It's raining rather heavily.
It's even coming down the chimney.

I shall get wet going back.

I have a little secret.

You will not be going back, my liebling.

This building is easy to get into.

To get out, a pass is needed.

I shall not risk losing
my little darling again.

Oh, you crafty old… soldier.

- You bewitching siren…
- Hold on.

I haven't blown the "all clear" yet.

I do not like to be played with.

I'm relieved to hear it.

Come to me, hmm…

- Let's eat first.
- Hm?

Huh? Hm.

Very good.

First, we shall dine. And then…

I must warn you, General.

Dear mama taught me to chew
every mouthful at least 25 times.

Oh.

But for you, 24.

THEY GIVE THEIR BLOOD

You're very naughty, General.

The last mouthful nearly went up my nose.

You have been eating
for one hour and a half.

- I know, but I'm a growing girl.
- Hm.

Champagne
always does that to me, General.

Do you know I may have
to go somewhere soon.

Do you think you'll have to go
somewhere soon after all that Champagne?

Go… where?

General, I do admire you.

I've never met a man
of your kidney before.

Pardon me. I must have
some soda water to settle my tummy.

Have you ever been
to England, General?

- Nein.
- Oh, you should go.

Everywhere you look, there's water.

Rivers, brooks,

chattering over stones…

Bubble, bubble, waterfalls,

streams running down the mountainside.

And the sea, roaring,
foaming up the beach.

And the water, lapping around your hips,

relaxing you as you go into the sea.

And when it rains,

the torrents rushing down the drainpipes
into the rain barrels,

gushing into the gutters.

If you'll excuse me, I have
to give an order to Major Reinhardt.

Of course, General.
Business before pleasure.

And I'm sure you'll find it a pleasure
to do your business.

Where's the Herr General?

I think he's gone to spend a penny.

That's her!

Which way did the woman go?

- Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler!

You're under arrest!

Heil Hitler…

- Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler!

Heil!

Halt, Englischer pig!

Heil Hitler…

Have you seen a woman on the road
with beautiful red hair in a green dress?

No.

We've seen these ladies already.

Miss Wimbush,
don't think I'm not grateful,

but I can't help
wondering about those passes.

I do hope you didn't procure them
by bartering your honour.

Miss Flodden, I can assure you,
I am not a fallen woman.

Ah.

- Over there?
- Let's go.

Hello…

- Company?
- Just someone I ran into last night.

Hold tight.

Oh my god!

Look out!

Well done, me hearties.
Only 40 miles to the airfield.

I hope we can get
on the British Imperial Airways.

Hello. Delighted.

Fill her up, please.

Quick, quick!

I know, go and get some more oil.

Quick!

Quick, take this.

Girls!

Come on, hurry up!

Miss Flodden!

Miss Flodden, get in the car, quick!

Hitler has only got one ball.

-Goering has two but very small
-Girls!

-Himmler has something similar
-Girls, I say!

And poor old Goebbels
Has no balls at all

- I've never heard anything so disgraceful.
- It's an old tennis song, Miss Flodden.

- Tennis?
- Yes.

They sing it every year at Wimbledon.

- Oh I see… Balls…
- Balls, that's it, yes.

- Adolf Hitler
- Has only got one.

-Marshall Goering
-Two, very small.

-Heinrich Himmler
-Something similar.

-Poor old Goebbels
-No balls at all.

Poor old Doctor Goebbels.

He hasn't got any balls at all.

There is nothing quite so rare
As can compare.

With the fine old game of tennis.

There is nothing quite so rare
As can compare.

- With the fine old game of tennis
- Balls, balls, balls, balls…

Hitler has only got one ball.

Goering has two but very small.

Himmler has something similar.

And poor old Goebbels
Has no balls at all.

I hope they're all right.

Oh, Miss Wimbush knows what she's doing.

- Oh boy!
- It's a bloody fortress.

- Where's Herbert?
- I wish I knew.

- Hark…
- It's them again.

Come on.

We'll never get in there, you know.

And even if we could, it wouldn't do us
any good, they're all fighter planes.

We'd need at least a bomber
to get all of us away.

I'm going to make a recce.

- No, I'll go.
- You certainly won't!

I'm an American citizen,
there's nothing they can do to me.

- We're not at war. See…
- Oh, do be careful.

- Toodle-oo.
- Good luck!

- Halt, halt!
- Oh!

What are you doing here?

Oh hi. I'm from Houston, Texas.

I'm an American citizen, on a tour,

and I just wondered if I might have a look
at your lovely little airfield.

- What's going on?
- I don't get it.

Oh hi. I'm from Houston, Texas.

Good, good.

But where's the bus
with the rest of the girls?

Girls, what girls?

- You have a great reputation.
- We have?

- You are from the maison in town?
- Maison?

Oh, you mean a Maupassant-type
maison! Wow.

Your madam has promised us
a bus-load of your best girls.

- They should be here by now.
- Oh.

No, I'm not from any maison.

I'm an American citizen.

Oh! It's warm.

What's that?

That belongs to the General.
It was captured from the British.

It is ready for him
to fly to England next week

and land on the lawns
of Buckingham Palace.

- Tell them that, in America.
- Yes, yes, I'll do that.

Well, been mighty nice
visiting with y'all.

You're sure you're not from the maison?

Yes, but if I see them,
I'll tell 'em you're waiting for 'em.

- Auf Wiedersehen.
- Bye.

- Bye!
- Auf Wiedersehen!

Oh, warm…

Miss Wimbush, are you telling
that this… male creature

has been with us all along?

Miss Flodden, he's a pilot! How else
do you think we're going to get home?

Cheek by jowl with my girls,
all those miles?

Throw him to the Germans.
Nothing's too bad for the beast.

Achtung!

Miss Flodden, we need him! Besides…

- Really?
- Really.

Shot off over the English Channel.

Oh well, I suppose that does alter things.

Oh it does, it really does.

Very well, Mr. Codpiece, you may get up.

- Smallpiece!
- If that.

Miss Wimbush,
may I have a word with you, please?

Have a care, Frederica!

Oh don't worry.
Besides, he's quite harmless.

Just a minute, Wimbush.
Hijacking a bus-load of tarts

and taking their place is hardly cricket.

No, sir, it's war.

It's a clear war in the air,
you know, Wimbush?

Sparkling sun, blue sky,
chivalry, gallantry…

- Yes, sir, pity you didn't stay up there.
- Yes… What?

Besides, that old trout
would never stand for it.

- That's all taken care of.
- Oh.

Charwomen?

We're going to pretend
to be French Charwomen?

But the Germans allow them in
to clean the camp, Miss Flodden.

If would be frightfully infra dig.

Nobody we know would see us,
Miss Lockhart.

It's only a way to get in.

Very well. But it seems
a bizarre way to run a war.

It was never like this on the Somme.

Hurry up, Wimbush.
I can't stand here all day talking.

But we have ways of making you talk!

Wimbush, you do that once more…

But sir, what's the matter?

At the risk of being
totally misunderstood, this is a stick-up.

Oh, my God!

I have never been stuck up before!

Oh, you must have been.

Charge!

Right! Leave the big chap to me.
Queensbury regulations! Oh!

Well done!

Shut it, shut your mouth!

That'll teach you to tangle with me,
my man. Hm?

Oh, whacko, Wimbush!

You'll make a fortune wearing that
in the old Red Lion at Biggin Hill.

Oh, very funny.
You grab this lot and see how you feel.

Don't forget,
don't take any wooden nickels.

Oh my God…

Miss Wimbush,

are you sure the Germans
are expecting charwomen?

Oh yes, they definitely want
some scrubbers.

Look at what press-ups have done for me!

Oh, you naughty girl!

- There! It's there!
- Ah!

Everything is ready.

You'll find food and drinks on this table.
And schnapps too!

- Where are the mops?
- Mops?

Was ist "mops"? You are English?

English-educated, actually. They know
all the tricks over there, you know?

Yes, of course, the English position!

You naughty boy!

- What's the English position?
- Bloody desperate as usual, mate.

- Klaus, Klaus.
- Judith.

I suppose you want us
to work in the bedrooms.

Yes, of course, the bedrooms.

- What about the floor?
- Well, if it pleases you, yes.

It's what pleases you that matters.

No, I leave it to you, surprise.

Well, what about a rub-down
with a good stiff brush?

That should bring it up a treat!

Everyone to their taste, of course.

But for me, nein, thank you.

Hurry up and untie me!
My feet too!

Do you speak French?

- Ja!
- "Ja"?

One for you, one for me.

One for me, one for you.

- More beer?
- Good.

- Good?
- It's good.

One for you and one for me.

One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven…

You naughty boy. You're looking up
for a kick up the Kyber aren't you?

- Ja, ja…
- You pie-faced Teutonic berk.

There we are.

We've got to get out of here
before I ruin this fellow.

Any suggestions?

Perhaps, all you want
is a wipe down with a wet cloth.

Nein, nein, I do not want this.

What about a quick flick about,
with a feather duster?

Nein, please, nein.

Here, honey…

Help! He's a freak!

Then, perhaps you would be good enough
to tell us what it is you do want.

I want a good old-fashioned…
How do the English call it?

Frankfurter?

- How dare you!
- God in Heaven!

Time for us to powder our noses.
Powder room?

I didn't think
the Germans knew such words.

The bathroom is this way.

Come along, girls.

Powder our noses…

- Ich liebe dich.
- Less of the liebe and more of the…

Cheeky monkey. Won't be long!

Frederica, look what we found!

Good girls! Grab as much as you can
and load up the trolley.

NO ENTRANCE

Hi.

- Hello, madam.
- Hello.

- Hans.
- Hans.

- Klaus.
- Klaus.

Smallpiece!

You get the plane, sir,
and I'll lock out the control tower.

Right. And Wimbush, when we get
back home, get your hair cut.

Sir, that doesn't quite go
with the uniform.

Oh.

Good grief, that's our plane! Quick!

Halt!

NO SMOKING

Sorry I can't stay.

Stop here.

- Where are the ladies?
- In the bathroom.

- Are they all there?
- Yes, all in the bathroom.

Follow me, quick!

Where do you think you're going
with that plane, you German swine?

Stop! Stop, please, wait for us!

Ready, girls?
Throw bombs over the side now!

Right! Jeep squadron, bombs away!

More smoke!

More bombs!

Hey, where are you going, Herbert?

Yah, yah yah!

We missed the plane!

- What are we going to do?
- Find another one!

Find another? I can't even see one.

- Do as you're told, Wimbush!
- Right, sir.

- Fire the flare when you've found one.
- Green for go.

- And red?
- Forget it.

You…

Have you seen them?

Yes, recently.

They came by.

- Where?
- There!

- Heil, Hitler!
- Heil, Hitler!

Come on, girls!

Stop, stop!

Oh, well pranged, Hilary!

Right, Miss Flodden.
Fire the flare pistol.

- Green for go.
- Right!

Green for go, gone!

There they are!

They're over there!

Stand ready!

- Don't shoot, it's only me!
- Come on!

- Oh, come on!
- Can't find the brakes!

Bail out, bail out!

What kept you? Come on!

I can't! Got my trousers caught.

- Well, get them off, then!
- What?

Come on, we're taking off this moment!

Tally-ho!

Private Wimbush,
you may even get promoted for this.

Thank you, sir.

- "Private Wimbush"?
- Yes!

Private Wimbush? She's a man!

Another of them spotter crafts, be it?

No! It's a balloon with an old car
and naked girls hanging all over it.

And a bloke in red knickers!

Well done, well done.
Absolutely first class.

Fred, you were fantastic!
I don't know how you did it!

- Or why you did it.
- Or where you put it!

That must be why you made me feel
all tingly wings.

Easy on the booze, girls.

Private Wimbush, you've been guilty
of a wicked masquerade.

Thank you.

However, I must admit
we would have been lost without you.

You were quite magnificent.

All I can say is, you may not be a woman,

but you should be.

I'm glad you're not.

So am I!

- Wimbush.
- Sir!

A medal, I think.

- At ease.
- Sir.

Er, I hear that General Brinker
took a personal interest in you.

I'd like to go on record sir and say
that I preserved my savoir-faire.

And he asked you to do propaganda work
for the Germans.

What an excellent opportunity to have
one of our men in Brinker's confidence.

I didn't tell him a thing, sir.
Not even name, rank or number.

You can be of great service
to your country, Wimbush.

Hear hear, sir.

Aren't you going to ask how?

No, I don't think I am, sir.

…then he said:
"This is no woman, that's my brother!"

Falling in love again.

Never mind that.

What am I to do?

I can't help it.

Men cluster to me
Like moths around a flame.

And if their wings burn
I know I'm not to blame.

Falling in love again.

Never mind that.

What am I to do?

Hitler has only got one ball.

Goering has two but very small.

Himmler has something similar.

And poor old Goebbels
Has no balls at all.

All together!