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ME & MARILYN

Yo', I'm doin' it!

Keep at it, she's coming!

I'm not doin' it, no way.

Try again!

Mr. Consul, we gotta drain the pool.

The bangs are already half gone.

Your wig's caught in the filter.

Tear it, but pull it out.

She's never seen me without it.

She's here, Urania!

- What's that? - What's what?

That thing in your hand.

It's a rag for underwater cleaning.

You use it and then...

Yo', doggie!

The dog's got the rag.

- Where's the Consul? - I was wondering that too.

He's in the house putting his trunks on.

You go too.

Mr. Consul?

The dog's got your wig, the dog's name?

Alda Marini? A first and last name?

Filiberto, like my swim suit?

- Filiberto's not around. - What?

Not around?

My Fili's not around...

Who's behind the little flowers?

- Surprise! - What is it?

Let go, you fuckin' dog!

- A new bag? - More than that!

A cell phone?

More than that!

- Harder! - What?

- Guess harder! - Harder?

Take your hand away.

A big surprise is coming!

It's backwards.

- Backwards? - Count backwards.

Four, three...

Where's the big surprise?

I can't believe it!

A white scooter, just like I like!

Hang on, that's mine.

- I'll buy you another. - Thank you!

I still have 36 payments.

- It's mine. - I'll buy you a nicer one.

How do I get to work?

Take my car, the key's inside.

Looking for trouble?

BOUTIQUE OF THE JOYFUL CANNOLI

Massimo said he'd use chantilly cream in the cannolis,

not whipped cream.

Massimo can sure bullshit!

Massimo used whipped cream, want them anyway?

- Can I talk to Massimo? - He's not here.

Want them or not?

Then I'll call him, sorry,

but I insisted so much.

You've got his cell number! Good, call...

I always have Massimo's phone.

Hello? Who's speaking, a tart?

How dare you? I'll report you!

- What's all the ruckus? - You give your number to riff-raff!

- Hear him? He's crazy! - He's hyper, got his period.

Listen: from now on you can deliver,

as long as this lunatic's here, I'm not coming back.

I apologize for him.

Call when you like, I'll always answer.

Know who you just insulted?

- Magnolfi's daughter. - Who's Magnolfi?

Our bank director.

Who got us the loan for this delight?

Magnolfi.

Well, lambkins, if you don't stop insulting customers,

you'll be back kneading cheese at that crappy farm.

How come all we get are women?

You called it the "Boutique of the Joyful Cannoli",

men don't go to boutiques,

they go to the Grange with shit on their shoes!

Girls, come and see.

Who's that?

What a car!

Just five crummy little numbers and you're on Easy Street.

Both grandmothers came in dream and gave me six:

five plus one, all on the nose.

How many times do we say:

"Who'll be the lucky winner?"

Who's the idiot who rammed me?

Tornello, didn't you see the car?

Gualtiero, sorry, I was texting a message.

Who'll tell the Consul?

It's the Consul's, sounded weird! Six crummy little numbers...

- Are you hurt? - No. -Too bad.

- A headlight's 10,000 euro. - Excluding tax.

Clean it up!

Can we make up?

Petronio, we always find a way to make up,

but your jealousy's oppressing.

You have to cool down.

- It's my instinct. - Basic Instinct!

I can't lose all my customers.

It's still instinct.

Gualtiero, did you hit the five numbers?

Six, but it's a guzzler, I'll sell it to you.

- Where's Ramona? - Inside rehearsing.

- Shoveler, how's life? - A load of shit.

Happens!

Suska, want to roast me?

With potatoes.

Potatoes make you fat, look at that belly!

Never look at the trick or the audience will.

Don't look, fucking hell.

Yo', damn circus dust makes me sneeze.

Then where do I look?

Where fuck you want, but not at the trick.

Wizard Mancino, where's Ramona?

Inside the box.

Hi, I've been here two hours.

Listen, I've thought it over,

we won't buy Martina a scooter,

it's too dangerous and electric cars cost too much.

We'll give her a nice mountain bike.

You're right, but Pasquale's already got it.

- The mountain bike? - The scooter.

Yo', how's Pasquale figure here?

He's got no say in this,

until proven different, I'm her dad.

It's been two hours! Gettin' on this platform, or not?

Won't jump through fire, it ruins her fur,

no head-in-the-mouth either, the girl's finicky,

tickles her gullet!

Gotta teach ya crochet?

I'll stick ya on the streets, ya can be a hooker!

I'll eat ya for Christmas,

I'll split, stuff, an' eat ya.

Make me look good with the folks, instead of turkey!

Pasquale?

If you're here to holler about the scooter, stuff it,

they're deliverin' tomorrow.

Insurance, helmet, windshield and trunk, all done.

It's just this bitch tiger, she's stressin' me.

She came over on the boat but I'm sendin' her back.

Yo, let's talk about the scooter,

I'm Martina's dad, certain decisions are mine and her mother's.

They've all got one at her age.

Playin' the lovin' father when you're never around?

Yo', Naples, I'll be the dad, you be the step-father.

Oh, Cream Puff, cool it, she's livin' with me, not you.

She was beggin' for a scooter, with helmet, windshield and trunk.

No offence, but your daughter's a nut-grinder.

Yo' guy, you don't scare me, you or that crap tiger.

Hi, Papa.

Sweetheart!

My beautiful Snow White!

Omar told me you were here.

Thanks for your okay on the scooter!

Monday's all set, it's just us two.

- Mom's not coming? - Come on, just us two!

Okay, just you and me, back to civilization!

We'll leave these circus people, this savage world.

Such cute dwarfs! Are you Bashful?

- Mind your fucking business. - No, you're Jerkster.

Gualtiero, you did right.

I said to my wife's guy:

"Listen, Kiddo, I'm the dad, for better or worse.

If the kid pisses you, tell me, I'll hit him.

If he wants a scooter, tell me, I'll buy one.

You focus on screwing my wife, I'm through with that thing."

You're always yaking about her, ticks me off!

That was your first life, now there's me.

Kick that point!

When my uncle dumped his wife, he left the wholw kit and caboodle:

wife, 3 kids, mother-in-law, 3 mountain bikes and a beagle.

You'll break it.

My husband and I were together for 32 years, dear fools.

We made love every day!

- Every day. - And then?

Then he died.

I believe it!

But some evenings, I call him,

I turn off everything, light a candle, call some friends,

we make a chain and I call him.

- Does he answer? - And how!

Wow, what's your phone card?

You joke, beanhead!

Come some evening, you'll end the quips.

Iolanda, so you'd do séances?

Not I "would", I do.

Yo', what are you saying?

We've lived in the same building for ten years, who knew.

Should I bring it up at condominium meetings?

What then? Some believe, some don't.

Who'll we call?

How about calling a star player to the Florence team?

We're calling the dead!

Let's call a woman.

Who?

The world's most beautiful woman.

Who's that?

Let's call Marilyn Monroe.

How, in English or Italian?

Well, since this is Italy, I'd say Italian.

Think about her.

How, dressed or naked?

In an overcoat.

However you like, just concentrate on her.

Ready?

Now I'll say the magic words.

Don't break the chain!

Streak of lightning, skies of blue, Marilyn Monroe, I capture you.

- What's that? - The magic words.

There's no reception.

Streak of lightning, skies of blue, Marilyn Monroe, I capture you.

Streak of lightning, pickles in brine,

my meter's expiring and I'll get a fine.

It's dangerous to break the chain.

Tell him to move, I can't afford 15 euro for parking.

Let's go!

You people aren't serious!

He got scared, won't sleep tonight.

'Night.

Even the light's gone.

Streak of lightning...

Skies of blue...

Ridiculous!

I capture you!

Who's there?

Who's there?

Guys, is that you?

Are you hiding?

Who's there?

Stop! Yo', who are you?

Guess!

- Yo', how'd you get here? - How?

You called me! It's the same old story.

- It's cold here. - Who are you?

Turn the flashlight off.

- Who are you? - Turn the light on.

- It's out. - It's back, trust me.

I'm Marilyn, put that racket away.

- It's no time for tennis. - Stop!

Nice house! Where are we?

Rome? Venice?

I'm calling the Carabinieri, you'll get 5 years.

I'll rid you of this "Marilyn" thing,

you can explain how you got in.

Carabinieri? My name's Gualtiero Marchesi,

like the cook, but I'm not the cook.

I locked a thief in my bathroom, it has no windows.

Hurry, 23 S. Spirito Square.

Push the bell hard, it malfunctions.

I called, now you'll tell all.

I have an armored door, double windows, got no balcony

and I'm on the second floor, how did you get in?

Yo', you're spider man?

You called me and I came.

I called you? You're screwy in the head, you are!

The loony bin! I'll send you back to the loony bin!

You all say that, you're all so boring.

Who are you? How did you get out?

I had a bathroom with no windows too.

I never used it.

There two of you?

Now you can tell them.

Why the fuck should I bother?

Come in, that was fast.

She's right here.

No, she's not. Know why?

She comes, goes... but now she'll have to explain.

There she is!

Now tell them what you told me!

Don't you know?

Just you can see or hear me.

Because you called me.

Hear that? She says I called her.

- And who called us? Her? - No, I did.

She says I called her.

- Are you joking with us? - Not me, she is.

She's the one, her.

Her, his favorite chair!

- And who called the chair? - What chair?

Her, your favorite chair... Was it the table?

Sure, together with the rug,

they're friends.

What the fuck are you saying? Are you nuts?

A little stressed maybe, we'd like to be home at night

instead we have to go to other people's homes

to chat with furniture...

Put the racket down.

Down.

Okay... now where's she going?

Where do chairs go at this hour?

The bathroom!

She's polite, they don't do their business right out here.

Chairs use the bathroom, always have.

I once had a shoe cabinet,

it took hour-long showers!

Excuse me, you don't see her, right?

Sure!

Sure, we see her!

Just between us, she's a really beautiful chair.

Want to see where we're going now?

Where?

Coffee.

You're drinking my coffee?

It's not mine? Sorry!

This is the Grand Hotel! Some pastries?

Maggesi?

Read that report, so we can wrap up this act.

"On June 4, 2009,

I, the undersigned, Gualtiero Marchesi,

like the cook, but I'm not the cook,

called a squad car which came to my self-same apartment.

Thinking I, the self-same, had seen Marilyn Monroe..."

A doozie!

"...but it wasn't her, it was my self-same chair.

Thinking the gin I'd drunk had taken effect,

I, the self-same, excused myself for the call

once having reached Headquarters. Signed: the self-same".

How many "self-same"s did you use?

- It's not a quiz! - Give me the report.

It's already printed.

Sign here.

If I sign, I pass for a twit.

Don't worry, it stays at Headquarters,

right, Self-Same?

I understand you, when I got separated,

I stayed in the house for two years.

I suffered like a dog, but life goes on, we change.

I go out now, have fun, you do that too.

Get out, have fun, meet someone.

Not us two, you and I never meet again!

But careful, it's penal offense.

Calling the squad car when soused, is minimum two months.

It must have been all that gin,

and the séance.

What séance!

Remember, the past never brings us anything.

The past only brings alimony to pay.

- There's a bus stop? - Yeah, down there.

Watch out.

Maggesi, where the fuck are you?

What a night!

I've never taken a bus!

You don't exist, I've had too much gin and you don't exist.

But you called me.

I didn't call you!

I didn't call anyone!

No one!

- Who did you call? - A taxi.

Buses don't run at this hour, can't I call a taxi?

- Are you stupid? - Here again!

I told you, only you can hear and see me.

I should believe in ghosts?

- Here I am! - Knock it off!

You don't believe in ghosts?

Off the street!

- What are you doing? - What comes natural.

A ghost...

MENTAL HEALTH CENTER

Don't be alarmed,

but before making a diagnosis

I'd like to know you better.

However, your symptoms suggest the Pignac Syndrome.

Who's Pignac?

It's a hallucinatory, maniac-depressive syndrome

which is treatable with lithium or simple Trupadrine.

It's unpleasant to hear voices, feel presences.

But it's important to humor them,

never oppose them.

We must learn to live with our pathologies,

they'll find their natural outlet, by talking about it.

Next time, we'll try group relational psychotherapy.

Ghosts like me are linked to Earth forever,

you won't let us go, you keep calling the same ones.

We'd appreciate some imagination.

Me, Gandhi, Elvis, Chaplin,

Oliver Hardy... they stopped calling Stanley

and he passed on, what luck!

Anyway, we don't know where we'll end up.

Common people are luckier, I never thought I'd say that.

Besides, it's not so simple, you don't just call and we appear,

it's the heart that calls us.

You spoke my name,

but your heart said it, and here I am.

Will you clam up?

I see you, hear you, but you're not here.

For now, I'll live with my pathology.

It's a sort of mental breakdown, runs in the family,

Uncle Bettino had it too,

he thought Moses parted the pasta water.

I'm not a pathology,

psychiatrists should have more respect.

He probably said to take Trupadrine and you have Pignac Syndrome.

When I leave, he'll say he cured you

and you'll drench him in money.

That's how psychiatrists work.

Because I will leave, I can't stay with you forever.

What a beautiful car, it reminds me of old times.

Chauffeur, where to?

You shouldn't be here, I'm going to see my little girl.

- You have a daughter? - Yes, and an ex-wife!

Just stay in the car this evening,

or fly away, but don't come with us,

things are fine-line this evening.

These stories intrigue me.

Chauffeur, music!

Don't open your eyes!

Come on, Pa! They've been closed 20 minutes.

Where did you bring me? What's my gift?

Wait, don't open your eyes.

Come closer.

Open just your right eye, when I say.

Open.

Happy Birthday.

It's beautiful!

You bought me a Frigeri!

Diameter 70, focus 900, like you told me.

You're crazy. What did you pay?

More than a scooter.

Antares is so clear!

I can't wait to show Patrik.

Who's Patrik?

Mom didn't tell you?

We haven't talked much lately.

Patrik is...

Patrik's my boyfriend.

- What's wrong? - Patrik's worse than the scooter.

Come on!

He's the son of William, our new aerialist.

You'll like him, you'll see.

He rides motorbikes on the high-wire.

One question,

it might seem intimate, but we're grown-ups.

You, with this Patrik...

No!

We don't make love.

I didn't want to know that.

But I'm glad, there's time...

I asked you because we have to be modern parents

and live the modernity of this modern question.

Stop!

We'll drop it! Okay.

Did you ever give Mom anything as beautiful?

Yes, when you were born, a beautiful ring.

I know, she wears it sometimes.

She does?

I'm glad.

You still like Mom.

Cut it out.

You still like her.

Do you have another woman?

That's a whopper!

Lets' get a picture, me, my little girl and the telescope.

I get it, you don't.

Quiet.

- See how gorgeous we are. - Gorgeous.

- I'm better looking than Patrik. - Sure, lots.

You're beautiful!

- What a beautiful sky. - Thanks, Pa.

No "Pa", I'm your Dad.

I've never liked Papa.

- Say, "Thank you, Dad". - Thank you, dad.

Now you're really my little girl.

Ramona, like my lion make-up?

Those eyes are scary, you look like one of them.

My granddad did this before going in a cage with six lions.

He said you had to be part of the pride.

- What pride are you part of? - The Blue Lions, Go Naples!

It's late, why doesn't Gualtiero bring my baby back?

Isn't he buzzing around a little too much lately?

It's her birthday today.

You know when I see things buzzing...

I smash them.

What was that?

Pasquale, the helium tank exploded.

Goddammit, again!

Where's that wretch Wizard Mancino?

He'll be doin' communions and baptisms!

We could be dead! He's nuts!

I've had it with that guy, I'm going back to teaching.

What happened?

The Wizard wanted to levitate us with the balloon trick,

he opened the helium tank and... it blew up.

Hear my voice? We breathed helium.

The tank sky-rocketed and ripped the tent.

- Look. - Holy Mother!

And where did the tank go?

Yo', are you crazy?

Another 8 inches and we'd have got it in the head.

What a wallop!

What was it?

Too bad, such a beautiful car.

What's with my voice?

Do I call the firemen?

Is this any hour to bring her home?

Okay, I know we're late,

but you don't have to bomb us!

Strong temperament, your daughter.

Takes after her mother,

that's why she preferred that lion tamer to you.

You didn't make the extra effort

that all men should.

What effort?

To realize women are like unexplored territory,

men should study us to understand our ways,

our language, our politics.

At your age, you should know we think

being with a man is a choice, while for you men

it's a job, expending energy and money.

Love is like Chutes and Ladders:

if you're good you go forward,

but if you make a mistake, you go back.

- What should I have done? - What you can still do!

- What can I still do? - Bring her back.

Think she's still yours? The lion tamer's not for her?

Bring her back to you.

Go to bed Marilyn Monroe and close the windows,

or mosquitoes get in.

We met on Facebook.

We chatted and chatted...

One day he asked to meet me.

We went to his house and I screwed him.

- Mileto, how are you? - Pretty well.

Just an occasional Freudian slip.

In other words?

Yesterday, I got home and found my wife on the couch,

I looked at her and said:

"Hi, love".

Then suddenly... "Cowshit, I damn the day

I married you!

You ruined my life, why don't you kill yourself?"

Wow! Which one's the slip?

"Hi, love".

Biagioli, you go on.

Nothing to say. I'm thrilled, cured,

even started smoking again and drinking coffee,

but I've stopped following people.

I get absolutely no kicks.

He followed people?

All that tailing,

in the wind, the sun, to see what they're doing... What do I care?

I don't follow anyone anymore, just the doctor's therapy.

Please, Mr. Marchesi.

Hello to all, I'm happy to be here.

The doctor told me you're all very reserved and serious,

it's like talking to old friends.

You each speak and you all comment.

Sure, but what's the problem?

I have Marilyn Monroe at home.

Does she pay rent or watch the kids?

Where the fuck is he?

Right here. Hadn't you stopped following people?

I was just catching up to you.

- What do you want? - I've something very serious to say.

There are 22 of us, including you.

It's taken ten years to collect 22 similar experiences.

You're not crazy!

Cut the pills, they just make your pecker limp.

We did the séance for a laugh, we were drunk.

But you called her with your heart

and until someone else does, she'll be with you.

Who did you have?

- Me? - Who did you have at home?

- Adolph Hitler. - You called him with your heart?

The fuck I did! But I thought about him intensely

to spit in his face!

He sat in my kitchen for 25 days.

He made me argue with the whole condominium,

he wanted to bomb building C.

A real piece of shit!

Listen, I travel the world looking for people like us,

who've had this awesome experience.

Live it intensely, it can change your life from this... to this.

A kid in Bern

called for Leonardo Da Vinci.

Leonardo got glued to the PlayStation.

Leonardo Da Vinci played with the PlayStation?

Soccer, he took a minor league team

all the way to the World Cup.

A minor league team to World Champions! He's a genius!

You're my contact in act,

till now, I met only people whose experience had ended,

but you're on-going!

Take me to her, I have to talk to her

or I'll follow you.

It's an honor to meet you, I've seen all your films!

You're the best artist on the international scene.

It's an honor to be face-to-face with you...

Who's he talking to? Who is this guy?

What's he want? Why's he here?

He explained it to me, he said you're really here.

I mean, you're not here but you are.

She's in the kitchen with you?

- Yes. - Then say so!

Good Lord...

Miss, as I was saying, it's an honor to meet you,

I've seen all your films.

I think you're the best international artist.

You said that already! Talking to the fridge?

- Where's Miss Monroe? - Here on the right.

Turn...

I have to ask a favor,

this is a unique opportunity for me.

- He's looking at my chest. - He can't see you.

What's she say?

That she's taller, you're looking at her boobs.

Forgive me, not on purpose! I'll come to the point.

I can do something incredible with you.

I can take your picture.

He can take a picture of me?

What a beautiful day. I'm having a wonderful time with you, Gualtiero.

Let's go!

She's talking? What's she say?

She's having fun,

but I don't see how this works.

How can the speed camera take her picture too?

I'll say it again: when the camera clicks,

you see a flash and get a load of adrenaline,

remember it's a 200-euro fine.

Adrenaline is a hormonal neuro-transmitter

which fills the car with benzene which then does what?

It molecularizes the nitrogen dioxide that ghosts are made of

and the ghost shows up.

You're nuts.

It's already happened in England.

A guy on a motorbike zoomed by a speed camera.

Know who was riding with him?

- Who? - Agatha Christie!

No helmet, she loves a thrill.

- How fast do we have to go? - The faster, the better.

Don't worry, no one's here at this hour and I'm a good driver.

I raced the Formula 4 many times.

Stop drinking!

I gotta build my courage.

Let's take two, in case the first doesn't come out.

Fasten your seat belts!

Why do we have to go in reverse?

There's more adrenaline, and we'll come out better too.

This is the picture of my life!

- Slow down! - No, it won't take!

Smile!

We did it.

Smell the dioxide!

We're full of dioxide!

Look who's here!

I contest the fine, I smell a formal notification.

What a wonderful day!

Show me the picture, open that fucking box.

I want to see the picture.

Want to see where we're going now?

Your beer.

- A nice beer! - It's the officer's.

I thought it was mine.

Sure, this is the Grand Hotel!

- Some pastries? - Great!

You've had enough to drink.

He guzzled a whole bottle of champagne.

You're a good person, let us go,

give him a warning and we'll all go home.

We're revoking his license!

The situation's complicating for you two.

Why the fuck were you in reverse at 75 mph?

Can I see the picture?

Biagioli, why do you want this fine at all costs?

It's not a fine, it's a certificate.

Officer, you know me by now, I met Biagioli

at a psychiatrist's, he's not well either.

We'll pay the fine, say goodbye and let bygones be bygones.

- Fine and picture'll be sent home. - You have my address?

- It's important. - You gave it to us four times!

He's right... Can we go?

- We can't. - We'll stay here.

I'd like to know what's "in act" with you two.

"In act", meaning?

Biagioli told Maggesi you have something "in act".

Right, Maggesi? Snap to!

- Come on, Maggesi. - Reread his statement.

Reread my statement to me.

- "On June 25th..." - Not all of it!

- Just the "in act" part. - The beginning was nice too.

"At the speed of about 75 mph,

I, the self-same, activated the speed camera,

obtaining a picture which will show the phenomenon 'in act'."

What fucking story are you telling?

To get reimbursement from certain friends of ours.

And I was a little muddled from the champagne.

Reimbursement, our friends! I want to know what's "in act".

Nothing, a nervous breakdown, that's what's "in act".

In fact, we're drinking.

Don't underrate yourself.

This kid's got a presence "in act".

- What presence? - Nothing!

What fucking story's that? The officer's not interested.

Moderate you language.

The officer can't understand.

Who do you think you're talking to?

- Who was in the car with you? - No one.

- What to know who was there? - Yes.

No, he doesn't, let's pay the fine and go.

- Do you want to know? - Let's pay and go.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

with Gualtiero, in his car,

was the great Marilyn Monroe!

- Is he dangerous? - Pretty much.

I had to run into you in life.

You almost got us arrested.

That officer didn't understand a thing, we bamboozled him.

And now we've done something great!

We'll be in that picture forever.

Let's keep in touch,

we're a family, I'm fond of you and want to see you happy.

So recoup your wife or find another one,

even two, but love someone.

Because if you love, you never die.

Arnolfo, I think...

- He's a ghost too? - I'm here.

The ghost's tying his shoelaces.

I'll see you at Verdicchio's.

Cold tonight, huh?

So, you're... Marilyn Monroe.

Born in Los Angeles on June 1, 1926.

June 1st, that very day.

Real name was...

Norma Jean Baker.

Born on June 1st, can't be another.

And so, I'm here this evening, talking to Marilyn Monroe.

Here on the Arno River with Marilyn.

It's late, I work tomorrow.

Let's go! What do you do?

The water comes in spurts, it must be clogged.

I said a thousand times,

the filters must be cleaned every week.

Don't you add cyanuric acid to the chlorine in the pool?

- No. - Then of course it's clogged.

Bronze oxidizes!

That's his job?

I'll put a little turpentine on him.

- How's it going? - Fine.

- Meaning? - I had my wedding reception here.

Yes, I remember, it was my first year here.

- How long were you married? - I was married eight years.

Then you know how these things go: "I have to talk to you..."

and zap, the lawyers jump in.

Are you alright?

- Who are you talking to? - Not to you.

But now he pees.

Put your hands on his little wiener once a week.

You don't like going back to that terrace, do you?

- Why? - You seem edgy.

You're still in love with your wife.

No!

I mean, yes... it's a no that's more like a yes.

- No, it's no! - So, it's yes.

She says he has magnetic eyes.

Maybe, magnetic eyes attract.

As for magnetic, I don't even have an ATM card,

it de-magnetized four times.

You can do more.

Listen, let's talk seriously.

Where did she go?

Look where she is!

Excuse me!

I did all I could to keep my family,

I work like a dog, no drugs, I respect my folks,

I don't go with hookers, what more can I do?

I'm the ideal husband.

The ideal husband stays celibate.

Yo', look who's talking!

If she returned, would you take her back?

- No! - Let's get her back!

Here I am, want me?

I'm the World Champion. Who am I?

The World Champion!

And who said so?

Him? You!

Know somethin'?

They say no one would battle a tiger, bare-handed.

Maybe they've never seen the Stallion of Posillipo.

See that fierce tiger?

You, fierce? You're a cat lickin' your nails.

Doin' a manicure?

It's easier than I thought, he's no magnetic man.

He's a beast! Let's go see your wife.

Omar, if you feed the rabbit before the show,

he shits in the hat.

Rabbits do that: eat, shit.

Go to her and say:

"My darling, I came all this way to see you".

"Darling" no, I'll say"Ramona".

- Darling! - Ramona!

Hi, "ramarling"...

I've come to see your new number.

What a surprise! All the way to Rimini?

Martina told me you have a new number.

- I wanted to be here. - I wanted to be here.

Strange, you've never been interested in my work.

I was jealous.

It's not true I never gave a hoot about your work.

- I was jealous. - I was busy.

- Jealous! - Busy.

- Jealous... - Busy...

I was very busy.

I heard you! You're strange, what's wrong?

- I'm moved. - No, that's too much.

- Too much? - I'm moved.

Yes... I'm a bit moved.

- Yo', Pasquale, so? - Gualtiero, where'd you come from?

Ask not my steed, from whence I come,

but the heart of the maiden who wished it.

Where'd you come from?

It's a quote from "King Arthur", it always works.

Yo', ask not my steed, Pasqual,

ask not my... yo', what?

- From whence I come. - From whence I come.

But ask the heart of the maiden who wished it.

But ask the heart of the maiden who wished it.

What maiden?

The steed's.

- And what's he want? - Who?

- That steed! - The maiden.

- The steed desires the maiden? - Yo', ask the heart!

- Are ya fuckin' me? - Yes.

No, it's just that... I'll explain.

A little imagination on your part too.

It's just that... I mean...

I came to Rimini because there's an Italy-in-Miniature Park,

it's very pretty and I wanted to take my little girl.

You have to let us know when you want to take her out.

Did you call?

Sure, of course!

- I called. - There, you stinker!

Ramona, after Wizard Mancino there's our new number.

- Concentration. - Concentration!

The new number's afterwards... I called, Pasqual!

Now you'll see a ballistic marvel.

I'll do the same exercise,

but back-to.

Only two of us in the world do this,

me and my mentor,

98 years old, Shaolin monk, the great Sainghinpò.

Now residing in Mazzara del Vallo, no one's perfect.

Remember:

your courage is my courage.

One, two...

three, four...

Magnetic!

Good for you, Ramona, you were right to come,

it's a huge surprise!

- I'll leave if you want. - I said it's a huge surprise.

Besides, this way, the family's reunited.

How did you meet?

One summer in Marradi.

Where is it? Marradi's not here.

It's not? They didn't put it in? Management!

My life's most important place isn't here? I'll put it in.

This is the fountain in Marradi and the woods.

- Where was I conceived? - Mom can tell you.

On the Matterhorn? At 14 thousand feet?

- At the Shangri La hut. - At 14 thousand feet.

At 14,003, to be precise, we slept on a platform.

Look how pretty she came, it was the good air.

And your honeymoon?

How trite, a honeymoon in Venice!

One night, in passing! The second night, know where?

- You went through Rome? - Sure, for the Pope's blessing.

Let's see if he's home.

Mr. Pope, are you in?

He's not, it's summer and he goes to Castel Gandolfo.

Isn't Papa more fun than Pasquale?

Good, pummel her.

Come on, it's easy.

In light of this splendid day, we should go out to dinner

and talk a little.

In light of this splendid day we really should talk.

This is the Merengue.

Did she invite you to dinner or did you?

I did.

But she repeated: "In light of this splendid day

we should talk".

She said "splendid"?

She did... and I'll say one thing more.

I think I saw in her eyes

a crisis between her and Pasquale, if you really want to know.

You're happy this evening

and joy brings only good things.

Marilyn, I'm really fond of you.

What a hick!

A real hick!

She made a quip, did you hear?

"Massimo gives me the best cannoli", even ironical!

Are you a moron? Know who she is?

She's Monsignor Rellini's niece.

Know how much the Monsignor orders every week?

I know.

Since we opened, we haven't taken off.

You said all your friends would come and where are they?

People don't come, it's too expensive.

You'd think you use pure gold in the cannolis.

Good stuff's always expensive!

No, look!

Sorry, it's his fault.

I have a dinner tonight.

I didn't do it on purpose.

Yo', what now?

He ticks me off, I knead all day, then see?

Go get my jacket, we're the same size.

- And this? - I'll stop by the cleaner's.

- Are you open? - No, fuck off.

- What? - As you like, go!

- This has lights. - Lights?

I wear it to parties.

They're off, can't even see them,

just don't touch the switch in the pocket,

the batteries are even dead.

- It's perfect on me. - A gem!

This is what you asked me for,

although you're the only one who takes pastries to a restaurant.

- The surprise has a star on it. - Star, surprise.

I'll let you know tomorrow.

The Egyptian Consul's daughter is picking up pastries for 600 euro,

watch what you say!

She's not coming anymore, for sure.

- Trust me. - Why?

Just guessing.

Maitre?

As soon as seated, bring on the violin, flowers,

then the surprise.

It's the fifth time you've said: violin, flowers and then surprise.

Don't worry.

Maitre, remember, the surprise afterwards,

violin first and flowers.

That makes six times.

Gualtiero, you blind?

Yo', how come you're here?

I came instead, you know what they say?

Life's a storm and gettin' it in the ass is lightnin'.

Must be typical of the place.

No, not the flowers!

You're here?

I don't know why they put these flowers here.

Violin and flowers! Then, surprise.

You dunno?

Because this is a romantic restaurant,

people bring their girlfriends, wives for anniversaries

and their lovers on Mondays.

Whadya say, I look like a cuckold?

No.

It's balanced, this really flies.

Better go.

What do you want?

- Have you ever liked me? - No.

- Think I've ever liked you? - Don't think so.

- Know why not? - Why not?

We don't understand each other.

I don't get a word when you talk, you speak "Chi-chinese".

I guess we Tuscans do talk strange.

You don't have "c", you call a couch, a 'ouch.

The faucet's a "tap".

But ya blow my mind

by callin' the toilet "john".

Who the fuck's this John?

Sure, you got the Tuscan cigar, but I don't smoke.

How long's he staying?

You're such a coward,

a woman with no backbone.

He's waiting for you and you send that barbarian.

You don't deserve a man like Gualtiero.

What a headache!

Maybe he has no magnetic eyes or an ATM card,

but he's a good man.

You're mean!

I'll say it again, 'cause you're kinda distracted.

The extended family flow chart goes like this...

Twenty years ago these problems didn't exist,

you separated, there was no fuckin' ball-breaker ex-husband,

but now we're modern and the family has...

Extended.

You're gettin' the idea.

Listen good, this is me.

Me and Ramona, the girl's in the middle.

Really, you should be off the napkin.

Despite the judge's sentence, we've got heart

and we allow ya on the napkin. - Thank you.

But don't go overboard.

This escapade outside the napkin, what's it mean?

If there's a napkin, you gotta stay on it.

You wanna take the girl and Ramona off the napkin

leavin' just me, like a jerk, on the napkin?

Surprise!

- No dessert, no! - Why not?

- We've got diabetes. - I don't.

- Take mine. - Eat ya own.

They're the same, yours, mine...

What's mine will never be yours.

I told you to eat mine.

Gimme that napkin.

Just a little something.

What are you doing here?

Pasquale, would you leave us?

This is his gift for the wedding.

What wedding?

I was a bitch to send Pasquale.

You don't deserve it,

I want to say it, looking you in the eye.

Look me in the eye.

I'm marrying Pasquale.

I'll tell Martina tomorrow.

I wanted to tell you first, who knows how she'll take it,

so I need your help.

Anything else?

I just want one gift, come to my wedding.

It's important for Martina! Promise me.

Promise me.

Okay, I promise.

Thank you, I knew you'd understand.

Sorry about the evening.

Happens.

Now I'm really off the napkin!

If you exist, move that paper with your mind,

give me the lottery numbers,

or tell me my great-grandmother's name.

We aren't able to do that.

There's just one way to make contact with people,

I discovered it by mistake.

Watch.

Gentlemen, are you retired?

See? If I yell they get headaches.

Kids,

are you going to get married?

I feel as empty as this square.

This square isn't empty.

Meaning?

Never feel alone.

Someone will certainly get angry with me,

but you're a good person, so I'll risk it.

Trust me, close your eyes.

Remember, no one ever really dies,

we live in the minds of those who love us,

no one goes away forever.

Who are they?

Colleagues!

Here's the rundown.

10,100 euro, tax included, for the damage to the Maserati,

9,000 for the scooter Urania took,

1,200 I owe for your work, so here's a 100 bill.

And we're even.

I'll put it here.

Thanks, we both sure made out.

Alda Marini, see this shovel?

We understand each other.

Mr. Director, of course he's peeing too much,

you mounted his wiener backwards.

I'll fix it and check the pH.

This applause is for you Mr. Marchesi.

Although you came to our meetings so little,

you did it all yourself.

Disappearance itself is a healing symptom,

the pathology's gone.

I'm not cured at all, I'm worse.

In what way?

I suffer more than before.

I liked this companionship really.

On the one hand, I'm off the napkin,

on the other, I fell in love with a ghost.

Iolanda, it's me.

I'm Marchesi, first floor, I'm looking for Iolanda,

I'd like to do a séance with her.

Iolanda's at a beauty farm, the 15th to the 30th.

- She's back on the 30th. - The 15th to the 30th.

Thank you.

Excuse me, are you Iolanda's husband?

Her husband died 14 years ago, I'm a cousin.

My mistake, goodbye.

What?

I need to pee, I'm going home.

Is the bathroom occupied?

There's a line, they're giggling, touching, it's not my thing.

- You said there were women. - The waitress is awesome.

It's half an hour, she's been smooching with the DJ's girlfriend.

I'll get Massimo and we'll all go.

I'll wait on the porch swing.

- Nice party, huh? - Yeah, great.

Life's funny! You're here too this evening.

Yo', officer, what the fuck are you doing here?

I'm off duty and looking for fun, like you.

- I'm going home. - Let's go.

- Piss off! - A dance?

- No way! - Run-of-the-mill!

Maggesi?

Gualtiero's a little odd these days.

He's been seeing a shrink for a month.

Maybe your family

is a little tainted?

Your dad used to see Moses, right?

Wait here.

Things okay?

- Why? - They say you talk to yourself.

No, most I do is think aloud.

Can I think aloud too?

If cousins don't help cousins...

Don't go to Ramona's wedding.

- Why not? - It's not right.

What's this extended family shit? Just makes you feel bad.

I promised Martina.

Remember what I said, a month before your wedding?

Yes: "Don't be goin' to that weddin'!"

- And how did it go? - Bad.

I'll say it again.

Don't be goin' to that weddin'.

Every time Ramona gets married, you're better off home.

Let's get some sleep.

A toast in memory of my grandfather Virgilio,

who wanted all his guests in white

and his marriage lasted 27 years...

The second, six months.

Ours is for eternity.

If we don't fall first.

Don't worry, this is my gift, a wedding levitation dinner.

- Great number. - No way great number!

The crane's right there!

Don't look at crane, enjoy meal.

The circus is the greatest of extended families.

Papa, that's Patrik.

This is the second happiest day of my life,

the first was when these two separated.

Gualtiero, I'm joking! Cream Puff, don't be upset.

Look at the fruit of your love.

What beauty, what perfection.

Don't look at the one beside her, you'll get indigestion.

It's like they didn't eat anything.

He's ugly, Lord, he's ugly!

Yeah, one on the other, makes one man!

Finally!

How 'bout a back-to?

Our Father, who art in Heaven...

Okay, you're pardoned this evenin'.

I'm kinda tired.

The usual circus allergy.

Don't always be so withdrawn!

We know you don't like Pasquale much,

but, at least today, make an effort.

I already did, I came to the wedding.

I don't see how, after years with me, your mom

could fall for a guy like Pasquale, it's a mystery!

A greater mystery than crop circles.

He's feisty, he's courageous,

something you've never been.

What did you do to get Mom back?

- What did you really do? - What?

You didn't risk,

maybe you lacked courage, you didn't fight.

Pasquale would do anything to keep Mom.

- You really think that of me? - Yes.

Sweetie...

I think it's more courageous to get up every morning

and take your kids to school

like I always did with you.

Face the traffic, earn a living,

keep a woman with you as long as she wants to stay.

I think it's much more courageous to live a normal life.

Instead of, every single day, putting

your head inside the mouth of a crap tiger.

However,

I never want you to think

your Dad "ain't got balls"!

Don'tcha blink!

Pasqua', ya stewin' my balls.

C'mon, I wanna be ya target.

Let's get this show goin'.

The Tuscan sat on a tack!

C'mon, show 'em, throw them knives,

then we'll do spaghetti 'n' clams.

What are you doing? Get down.

I'm doin' what you do, we ain't so different.

Gimme a thrill, it's the most important day o' my life.

Pasquale, you've been drinking, forget it.

Guys, cut it out.

Pasquale, ain't got no balls?

You're surprisin' me.

Yo', I'm throwin' for sure!

Yo', grab them handles.

Jumpin' Jebus jeezy creezy!

Yo', what are you wantin'?

Back-to.

Pasquale, you're tired, forget it.

Guys, cut it out!

Don't worry, it's just a little show.

And you know, we're in the Lord's hands.

Let's hope He doesn't clap.

There she is, the most important woman of my life.

Wants to be a hero, this dickhead!

I came flying! She still here?

Relax! Look what that louse did to you!

If it weren't for my little girl, I'd turn him in.

Tell me about Marilyn, how did you manage to call her?

It wasn't easy, I went to a Swiss medium.

She's been here since yesterday, always asking for you.

- Where is she? - Waiting on the jetty.

- So, I'll go? - Why wait?

- You're a pal. - Kissing me?

I almost lost a tendon, but I got my little girl back.

Know what she calls me? "My feisty hero".

That's thanks to you too.

I'm glad to see you again, I mean...

knowing you're here.

I thought about you a lot.

One night I even dreamed about you...

we were making love.

I miss you a lot.

Poor guy, talking to himself.

So much...

I thought if you missed me too, some,

yell in my ears,

I'd love a booming headache from you.

- What is it? - She's on the other jetty.

Yo', fuck off!

ME & MARILYN