Original subtitles

[Screaming]

Prospector: Earlier that season...

"Season" like "time of year."

Deliria: All right. Are we all here?

Schlub: Yes, but I-- Deliria: Good.

All the way from the Phoenician colony of Motya,

I give you the world's finest sculptor.

Giuseppe here has agreed

to make us a free family portrait.

Not for free. This is a bait and a switch.

Deliria: I have your daughters. Giuseppe: Mamma Mia!

Stupendous: Mom, you're not sentimental.

Why a family sculpture?

Deliria: To remember what you all look like

when you're dead.

Giuseppe?

"Thank you, mother, for being so thoughtful."

Tyrannis: That's how you think I look,

all hunched over, looking scared?

Hippocampus: I mean, you are usually pretty scared.

Tyrannis: All right, maybe.

But statues aren't meant to be reality.

They're supposed to show a more idealized version of--

Deliria: Giuseppe, fix Ty's posture.

Hippocampus: Well, if you're going back in,

could you make my smile less goofy?

Tyrannis: Your smile is pretty goofy.

Stupendous: Yeah. [Chuckles]

Have me laughing at Hippo's smile.

No, she should be looking at me with respect and awe.

They all should.

Giuseppe, can you portray subservience?

Stupendous: You don't get to say what I'm doing.

Deliria: Yes, only I get to do that.

Obviously, Stupendous should have

a severed head in her hand.

I mean, sure, I hoist a head every once in a while,

but there's more to me than that.

Can you do me painting a painting?

Hippocampus: Have you ever painted a painting?

Stupendous: I've been meaning to.

Well, if she's painting a painting,

give me some loyal subjects.

Oh! Strap me into some kind of flying machine.

Maybe it projects a column of fire.

And you can have me kind of riding that

into the air above everybody else.

I notice I'm depicted as not currently having sex.

Giuseppe: There. Everybody happy?

Deliria: Well, now it's simply too small.

Giuseppe, you're fired.

Giuseppe: May I have my daughters back?

Deliria: I don't remember where I put them.

Tyrannis: You ever get an itch inside your--

[Screaming]

What is that? What is happening?

[Screams]

[Laughing]

Hippocampus: It's Mom. Tyrannis: How did you know that?

Stupendous: The eyebrows.

[Laughing]

Tyrannis: It's not funny.

Schlub: I'm sorry, son, I couldn't hear you

over all the unanimous laughter.

Say again?

Deliria: No, no, we've heard quite enough from him.

I have something to share.

Stupendous: Aw, tarp cake. You shouldn't have.

Deliria: It's not a cake.

I still want that family portrait.

Schlub: Well, that doesn't look anything like us.

Deliria: It's not the portrait,

it's a machine I got from a very powerful sorceress

that will do what you were trying

to get Giuseppe to do,

but without having a psychotic break

and running into the sea.

I remembered where his kids were right afterwards,

and they're fine.

It's called a "Call It Whatever You Want,

Just Please Stop Zapping Me."

Schlub: Catchy.

Deliria: What went wrong with the statue

was we couldn't get a version that made all of you happy.

You were all too worried about how you looked.

The "Call It Whatever You Want

Just Please Stop Zapping Me"

creates a living portrait

with which none of you can take issue,

because it scans you for how you see things.

Your ideal world, you might say.

It then uses that information

to assemble a perfect, immersive,

three-dimensional version of our family

that I can visit whenever I like.

Did you all get all that? Because I'm not repeating it.

Stupendous: Wait, what flavor is the cake?

Hippocampus: It's not a cake, Stupe.

It's a machine that reads how we want things to be.

Have you tested it?

Tyrannis: Yeah, good question. Is it safe?

[Groans] This is tiresome.

Here, see for yourselves. Hippo first.

Hippo f--?

Singer: ♪ Well he crawled from the ocean ♪

♪ With incredible skill ♪

♪ And he bent the world to suit his will ♪

♪ Then he rose to power 'cause everyone knew ♪

♪ That they couldn't do a thing 'cause they didn't have a clue ♪

♪ He's Hippo! Hippo! ♪

♪ Hippocampus the king of Hippolopolis ♪

Deliria: [Struggling]

And that's how it works.

Stupendous: What the hell was that?

Hippocampus: You guys saw it too?

Tyrannis: What was that?

Hippocampus: That was incredible is what it was.

It's called a "show,"

because it shows how you want the world to be.

Tyrannis: Wait, you want to be king?

This is how I learn you've been gunning for me

this whole time?

Schlub: Technically,

he'd be gunning for me, and I welcome it.

Hold on, one thing at a time. Were we your slaves?

Hippocampus: No.

Deliria: I'm sure I felt chains.

Tyrannis: Yeah, I got a forced labor vibe for sure.

Schlub: You mean that wasn't a sex thing?

I feel so violated.

You're confused.

Stupendous: Are we? Deliria: Let's find out.

Hippocampus: What do you want me to tell you?

I've got a rich inner life.

Deliria: These are god-proof?

Hippocampus: Of course they're god-proof!

You said this is how I want things to be.

You think I want to be defeatable by gods?

Tyrannis: No, clearly you want to be better than everyone else.

Hippocampus: Well, if the fishbowl fits...

Oh, relax. It's a fantasy.

It's harmless fun.

Tyrannis: Not to us it's not.

[Sniffles]

Wait, am I crying? Is this how you see me?

Hypersensitive and freaking out all the time?

Hippocampus: It's your strength.

You're always on the lookout for trouble.

Schlub: Wait, what's this new feeling I'm feeling?

Not horny?

[Struggling]

How dare you?

Tyrannis: That was outrageous.

Stupendous: Yeah. Sorry, Mom. We're not doing this.

It's obviously gonna create all sorts of bad feelings.

Maybe even drive a wedge between us.

Seriously?

Singer: ♪ It's Ty! It's Ty! ♪

♪ He's our guy ♪

♪ The one to rule us all ♪

♪ It's true, it's true ♪

♪ For me and you ♪

♪ There's never been a better, more charismatic leader ♪

♪ He'll always be in power, never cries in sex, either ♪

♪ Ty ♪

Tyrannis: Now this show I like. We'll be right back.

And we're back.

Singer: ♪ Ty! ♪

Tyrannis: You'll note that my ideal world

is all about freedom and individuality.

Schlub: Bravo! Man: We love you, dude!

Joshua: King Ty, we just had our daily election

and you won again.

Tyrannis: What? They keep choosing me.

Joshua: We just love you too darn much.

Deliria: I love you too, son. How can I not?

[Chuckles] I appreciate it, mother.

Deliria: No, I mean it. How can I not?

Hippocampus: You can't. Obviously, in his perfect world,

everybody has to love him

because he needs constant validation.

And I can't stop admiring him for it.

Schlub: Darling, don't let it upset you.

Let's go and talk.

I promise not to try anything.

Wait, not to try anything?

Scott: King Ty!

The every-nation army is at the gate.

Tyrannis: The what did he just say it was?

Scott: We are at war with every nation in the world.

Don't worry, I am built for moments like this.

[Grunts]

Scott: Actually, they came to say that war is over.

All war.

There's nothing but peace and prosperity now,

all thanks to King Ty.

Tyrannis: Ah, OK, there you go.

Viscera: All hail King Ty!

Everyone: All hail King Ty!

Scott: Yes, you solved the war with your empathy

and sensitivity to the needs of others.

Some people may have thought those were weaknesses,

but now it's been made clear

that they're the very things we should most admire.

Tyrannis: Thank you, Scott.

Viscera: It's not about crying, it's true.

He's always on the lookout for trouble,

but not in a scared way, in a strong, hot way.

Tyrannis: So, you see, Stupe?

Not everything has to be about war,

in case you're feeling bad

about your whole thing kind of disappearing.

Stupendous: I'm not only about war.

That's how you see me?

Deliria: Oh, aren't you? Hippocampus: Kinda.

Stupendous: I'm not!

You know, I've been doing a lot of farming.

Oh, that's it. Where is it?

Where is that thing?

Deliria: Stupendous, calm down. You can't just--

Singer: ♪ She's stronger than you think ♪

♪ She's big and tall, but that's not all ♪

♪ She's Stupendous ♪

♪ And there's a whole lot more to her ♪

Stupendous: Mmm, perfectly brewed.

That's right, I enjoy tea once in a while.

Does anyone find that surprising?

Tyrannis: I don't, because I've always known

there was more to you.

I have? Hippocampus: Same here.

All my scientific curiosity is now focused

on learning more about you, Stupe.

What are your hopes and dreams?

Thanks for asking.

In addition to warring,

I also enjoy long walks in nature,

and I've been studying color theory.

Deliria: I think we should have a trip together

that I don't ruin.

Schlub: Darling, when you get home,

perhaps we could talk and not have sex.

Does no one in my family

want their father's sexuality on display?

But first, Stupendous,

please tell me how those flute lessons

are coming along.

Very well, thank you.

[Happy flute music]

Deliria: That's beautiful, darling.

And I don't tell you I love you enough.

I'm feeling attacked.

Scott: Queen Stupendous, I have horrible news.

Stupendous: That can wait.

First of all, how are you, Scott?

Scott: I'm good, thank you.

Stupendous: And how's your mom doing?

Scott: Good days and bad, you know.

Stupendous: Please give her my love.

Hippocampus: Scott has a mom?

Tyrannis: I assumed Scott just was.

Stupendous: Yes, Scott has a mom,

and in my world,

people get to know one another.

Now, Scott, what news do you have?

Scott: I'm afraid the army of every-nation

has breached the gate and is storming the city.

Stupendous: Of course they are, but not a problem for me,

because war is one of the things I enjoy doing.

So, if you'll excuse me,

as I like to say before fighting,

it's a good day to die.

Man: [Grunts]

[Giggles]

Tyrannis: Stupe, please win this war quickly

so we can get back to learning your many facets.

Stupendous: Did you guys know I'm left-handed?

But I learned to fight righty!

Hippocampus: I never noticed that.

Stupendous: Here's something else about me.

Sometimes I get scared in a fight.

Deliria: I would never have guessed that.

Stupendous: Then I remember

the most glorious thing I could do is die in battle.

So, in my ideal world,

I'm finally gonna get to do that.

Hippocampus: Wait, what?

Stupendous: Dying is like the whole thing in war.

It's kind of the point. That's why I'm in the biz.

Tyrannis: But you're not going to actually--

Stupendous: You made me sit through your fantasies,

now sit through mine!

I'm not gonna make it easy for you,

you got to actually kill me!

Hippocampus: Mom, this isn't one of those situations

where if you die here, you die in real life, too.

Deliria: It isn't? Hippocampus: No, I'm asking.

Deliria: Ah, I see, then.

Yes, that's exactly the kind of situation it is.

Die in here, die out there. Why do you ask?

Tyrannis: Stupendous, stop! Shut it down!

Stupendous: Not until I complete my destiny!

Hippocampus: Can anybody reach the thing?

Tyrannis: Mom, do something!

Deliria: Zap, zap.

Ugh, not a single one of you

wants me to be infinitely more powerful than you?

Tyrannis: Ah!

Schlub: Mine, mine! I want to go.

Tyrannis: Dad, no!

Singer: ♪ Shlub, Shlub ♪

♪ Shlub, Shlub ♪

♪ He's your friend to the very end ♪

♪ And he sleeps with his friends ♪

♪ So be ready for that ♪

♪ The insatiable monster with a heart of gold ♪

♪ You're welcome in his bedroom ♪

♪ If you're young or old ♪

♪ His thirst cannot be quenched ♪

♪ And his carnal craving never ends ♪

♪ He's a monster-malgamation that's your new best friend ♪

♪ Shlub! ♪

Schlub: Darling, shall we not talk

and get straight to sex?

Deliria: That would be my preference.

Wait, in your world, do I have...?

Schlub: All the power you need!

Why don't you destroy me next?

Stupendous: Ugh, I'm gonna throw up.

Wait, Dad, why wouldn't you make me not get sick

when you get horny in front of us?

Schlub: Hm, guess it's part of the allure.

Everyone: Ugh!

[Chuckles] Yes, I do enjoy that.

Tyrannis: You know, I don't think

I've changed either, has anyone?

Hippocampus: Dad, in your ideal world,

are we all just how we are?

Tyrannis: That's actually surprisingly sweet.

Well, I'm off.

As you know, I have

a fulfilling life somewhere else.

Stupendous: Where?

Tyrannis: I don't know, I just know I'm not around.

Hippocampus: Me neither.

I'm going somewhere that I go to and live.

Stupendous: Yeah, I should get to my... not here.

Tyrannis: Dad, in your perfect world,

we're just not here?

Schlub: You're free to visit.

Tyrannis: Shut it down, I want another go.

[Overlapping conversations]

Singer: ♪ It's Ty, it's Ty ♪

♪ He's our guy ♪

Hippocampus: Not this place again!

Singer: ♪ She's big and tall ♪

Stupendous: It's dying time!

Tyrannis: Like hell it is!

Singer: ♪ Hippo ♪

Stupendous: I'm not your freaking pet!

Hippocampus: Yes, you are!

[Screams]

Singer: ♪ Shlub, Shlub ♪ ♪ Shlub, Shlub ♪

♪ Charismatic leader ♪

♪ Hippocampus the king ♪

[Rapidly changing]

Deliria: Enough!

Clearly none of you has a perfect world

that's the least bit tolerable for anyone else.

So, we're just going to live in mine forever.

Tyrannis: Forever?

Mom, no!

♪ She's the queen of all gods, the god of all queens ♪

♪ She sings her own theme song ♪

♪ And she was never kicked off Olympus ♪

♪ And the other gods are dumb, yes, really dumb ♪

♪ She looks amazing in absolutely everything ♪

♪ And doesn't feel the need to rhyme ♪

♪ She's Deliria, Deliria ♪

♪ And now is her time ♪

♪ Oh she can rhyme if she wants to ♪

♪ But only if she wants to ♪

♪ Her song goes on for an hour and a half ♪

♪ So buckle up, because here we go, and-- ♪

♪ Which, as you recall ♪

♪ Was established in the 27th verse ♪

Hippocampus: Mom, why--

Deliria: ♪ Deliria! ♪

Why the hell would you intentionally trap us in here?

Because the bickering was starting to sound

like the bickering I have to listen to all day out there.

Tyrannis: So, your solution is to imprison all of us

in a fake world forever?

Deliria: Yes, what is so hard to understand about that?

Hippocampus: The part where you're so sure

that you're gonna like it. You locked yourself in!

Can you even get that thing back off your face?

It kind of looked like you couldn't.

Stupendous: And we're still bickering.

Deliria: It's possible I acted without thinking.

[Struggling]

Tyrannis: Hippo, what happens to our bodies

if we can't get out of here? Hippocampus: Science.

Tyrannis: What? Hippocampus: Science... stuff.

In scientific terms,

the science of science is scientific.

Gah! I can't think of any word but "science."

In your show I'm not actually smart?

I just say "science" a lot?

Deliria: Is there more to it?

Hippocampus: [Struggles]

Cheese! What?

I'm answering your question,

what happens to us if we can't get out of here?

Cheese, or meat. Tyrannis: What?

Hippocampus: That's what's gonna happen.

Same thing that happens

if you leave cheese or meat out in the sun.

Tyrannis: What? Why do I keep saying "what?"

Is that how you think I respond to everything?

Deliria: I'd say half the time that,

half the time hunching over looking scared and crying.

Tyrannis: What? Damn it!

Hippocampus: She's turned us all into caricatures of ourselves.

Deliria: It's genuinely how you seem to me.

Schlub: I feel fully myself, ready for sex on demand.

Only on demand?

Stupendous: War! Grawr!

Smash!

[Grunts]

Tyrannis: OK, I mean, we've all probably

done her a disservice today, but, what?

Hippo, is there no way we can get the things

out of our noses from in here?

Hippocampus: Mom could try zapping the machine, maybe.

Kind of break it? Overcharge it?

Tyrannis: That would free us? Hippocampus: Maybe. Or kill us.

Deliria: Well, that would defeat the purpose.

Tyrannis: So, we're just going to spoil and rot

like cheese or meat?

Hippocampus: We just have to hope

somebody out there frees us.

But it would have to be somebody brilliant

or powerful enough to undo god magic.

Scott: Boy, this does not want to come off.

[Chuckles]

Tyrannis: Hippo, anything?

Hippocampus: I'm working with nothing but buzzwords here.

Science. Vector. Mechanics.

Wait, that's it!

What if I just science the vector mechanics?

Nope. I got nothing.

Deliria: Is this really so terrible?

In here, you live forever. With me.

Isn't that a good thing?

Tyrannis: Mom, we're gonna die. Deliria: Not in here.

If you die in here, you die out there.

But if you die out there, you don't die in here.

We'll be fine.

Tyrannis: We don't want to die anywhere.

Deliria: Well, how was I supposed to know that?

You mortals do an awful lot of it

for something you don't want to do.

Tyrannis: Why don't you just admit

that you're upset about that, that we'll die!

Deliria: I don't get upset.

Not about silly things like that.

I mean, sure, maybe it bothers me a little.

The thought that if the people you love

can just die for no reason even a goddess can comprehend,

then love can't be trusted.

And I don't want to think about it.

It scares me.

And I don't do fear.

It's stupid and I hate it.

In here, we're safe together. Forever, because...

I don't want to lose you.

Oh, I hate seeing myself like this.

Hippocampus: Wait, you hate seeing yourself like this?

Aren't these shows

supposed to show us how you want to be seen?

Tyrannis: I thought it was how we want things to be.

Stupendous: Yeah, ideal world.

Hippocampus: Either way, why in Mom's ideal world

is she acting the way she doesn't want to act?

Deliria: Well, none of you have stopped complaining

for even an instant.

That might have something to do with it.

Why haven't you stopped complaining for even an instant?

I obviously don't want that.

Viscera: I guess they're just gonna have to figure out a way

to get out on their own somehow.

Scott: Wait, I got an idea!

You can't die, King Ty, because...

I love you.

Well, I'll let that cat out of the bag

for no damn reason.

I'll start digging 5 graves.

Tyrannis: Mom, what exactly did the sorceress say?

Did she say "ideal world?"

Deliria: Something like that, yes.

Schlub: Then why are we not conjoined?

Deliria: What? She was screaming and begging.

It was impossible to get a straight answer out of her.

Tyrannis: This is good.

It means, um, OK,

either you do want us to complain--

Deliria: Well, that's not it.

Tyrannis: Unless you want it unconsciously.

Deliria: How would you want something unconsciously?

What would that look like?

Tyrannis: Or none of this

has been how we want things to be.

Maybe it's more like our perception of ourselves

or something.

What we think we're like, but we're wrong.

It makes sense. Stupe doesn't want to die.

Hippo doesn't want to enslave us.

I'm not obsessed with what people think of me.

Everyone: Eh...

Tyrannis: All right, all right. You're not helping, you know?

Hippocampus: I actually think

you might be on to something here.

Tyrannis: Oh, wow. Thank you so much.

Hippocampus: If Mom does try to zap the machine,

overload it, and while she does, we all really concentrate,

not on what we want things to be like,

or how we want to look,

or how we want other people to treat us,

but on each other, in a positive way.

What we love about each other,

it might just generate a feedback loop

that will bring us all close enough

to actual reality that we'll all just wake up!

Tyrannis: You think that'll actually work?

Hippocampus: I don't know.

My science is at, like, half-cap. Tops.

I mean, I'm calling it "my science," but worth a try?

Stupendous: Better than cheese and meat.

Tyrannis: Better than cheese and meat.

You ready, Mom?

Deliria: You said that might kill you.

Schlub: Well, that's life, darling.

Deliria: All right, then. Ready?

Viscera: Um, what is she doing?

Scott: Oh, boy.

Stupendous: I love life!

[Giggles]

[Laughs]

Cower, world, before me

and my family!

Schlub: Get in there and never get back out.

And I mean that not sexually.

Good for them.

[Coughing]

Tyrannis: I think we did it. Viscera: They're back!

Stupendous: Mom, how does it feel

to be back in the terrifying world

where someday we'll all die?

Deliria: No, you'll all die. I won't die.

Stupendous: That's what I meant. Deliria: Oh, it's whatever.

God, you're all so annoying.

Hippocampus: Oh, she does care.

Deliria: Could we at least get a family painting

while you're alive?

Tyrannis: Of course. Let's get one right now.

Schlub: Yes, but your mother and I

need three minutes to, um,

get ready and not have sex.

Just go have sex already, you pervert.

Schlub: Do you mean it?

Stupendous: You've earned it.

[Laughing]

Tyrannis: Did someone kiss me while I was lying here?

Scott: What? What are you, the kiss detective?

Ha! Excuse me, I've got to go fill some graves.

Singer: ♪ When the going gets rough ♪

♪ And the rough gets tough ♪

♪ Then the tough, rough stuff gets uff ♪

♪ Cause Uff's the name of the... ♪

♪ Fight team! ♪

♪ The Uff-Team Scott-Team Fight-Team ♪

♪ Together they're the... ♪

♪ Fight team! ♪

♪ Fight, fight, fight ♪

♪ Uff Tough Scott Team Rough Team ♪

♪ Talking 'bout Scott Team Uff Tough Rough! ♪

♪ The Scott Team Uff Team Team-Team! ♪

♪ And when Paizo remembers to assemble at last ♪

♪ Then the Uff gets tough and rough ♪

♪ Because it's time for the... ♪

♪ UFF Team ♪

♪ Uff Tough Rough! ♪

Prospector: [Laughs]

Dan: Did you get any of that?

Man: Bento.