Original subtitles

There you go.

That's mine.

Woman: Hey, Tobe!

Oh my God.

Stay right here. Excuse me.

Boy: Stare much?

- Hey, Kenny. - Hey. Can I have a taco dog?

- Yeah, is that it? - And a button buster.

There you go.

Is that your girlfriend?

Not that you'd understand, but Amanda Pak

is so hopelessly dorky

that even a dateless wonder like myself has to draw the line somewhere.

Uh-huh.

$4.50, home slice.

My dad says he'll pay you if you give me a receipt.

He's gonna start deducting me from his taxes.

I think you and your dad deserve each other.

He also told me to ask you for a ride home when you're done.

('30s music playing)

Radio: ♪ Fish got to swim, birds got to fly ♪

♪ I've got to love one man till I die ♪

(Tobe singing along) ♪ So I can't help ♪

♪ Loving that man of mine ♪

♪ Diddley-doot-doo-doot-doo... ♪

- This is gay. - No, classic.

It stood the test of time.

The coolest cars, the '50s.

The best movies, the '70s.

The best songs, the '30s. The golden age of American songwriting.

More like olden age.

Why can't you like normal stuff like everybody else?

(horn honks)

Hey, Tobe.

Oh, hey, Amanda.

- Is that your little brother? - No!

Are you babysitting like me? Cool.

See you at graduation.

Okay, bye-bye.

Hi, Mr. Hulbert. Can I stay here a while?

My mom says I still need adult supervision.

Yeah yeah, sure. I'll supervise you.

- Here, get me another beer. - Sure.

Pop Pop, it's the middle of the day.

I know.

My pants don't seem to fit me anymore.

What, do you want me to be uncomfortable?

Kenny: You get more crap all the time.

- Is it worth any money? - Not yet.

- Go home, Kenny. - What are you watching?

I traded tapes with a guy in LA. Got some old Vitaphone shorts

and a Monica Velour movie for my collection.

- Now go home. - I want to watch.

Just tell me when the gross stuff is gonna happen.

(disco music playing)

This movie is totally rare.

Everything today is just shot on video,

strippers on Prozac junk.

Hands Solo, I presume.

Consarnit, can't a fella get any privacy around here?

There's no time for that. We need your help.

Who's we?

I'm Princess Layme.

And my companion is Dork Fudgepacker.

Hey.

The star of this movie is Monica Velour.

I have almost all of her movies.

She was the most respected,

biggest, classic X film star.

(alarm sounding)

Hands Solo: We're being pulled in by the Muff Star's tractor beam.

(grumbling)

Cocktroopers. Get down.

Tobe: Look at her.

She's sweet, beautiful,

totally sexy, confident.

(groans)

Kenny: You're crazy. This movie sucks.

You know dick.

Now go home. There's a gross part coming up.

Bye, Tobe.

(crowd cheering)

It's been said that the future belongs to the young.

And to that I have only one response:

God help us all.

(cheering)

But seriously, before you the young

can have the future, you'll have to spend the next 20 or so years

working for us the old.

(crowd laughs)

Because you're not ready for the keys to life's car just yet.

(cheering)

Man: Here we go, nice smile.

Great. Let's get some picture with your friends.

Um...

Smile, please.

The button's on top.

I know where the button is.

- (camera clicks) - Can we go now?

No no, one more. One more.

Oh, look. Look at the bear.

You stand here.

Great. (laughs)

This will make a great holiday picture.

(camera clicks)

Well, it clicked. It did something.

That's it. That's it. That's it. Huh? Good.

- (rap music playing) - (cheering)

Man: Empty.

Oh, sorry, dude.

Hurry up. On my God.

(chanting) Chug chug chug chug chug.

(cheering)

- Hey, Perbert. - Even Perbert wants a peek.

Tobe: What are you guys looking at?

Live from Amanda Pak's,

it's Saturday night.

Tobe: Hitachi Magic Wand.

The Cadillac of vibrators.

No batteries, you just plug it in.

Annie Sprinkle's all-time favorite.

Russ Meyer?

- No way. - (coughs) Yeah way.

People who jerk off to porn are just creepy.

Well, she's not gonna get laid just sitting in her room.

('30 music playing)

♪ There's a great big mystery ♪

♪ And it sure is worrying me ♪

♪ This diddie wa diddie ♪

♪ I wish somebody would tell me what diddie wa diddie means. ♪

(alarm buzzing)

Pop Pop: Rise and shine, boy.

Wakey wakey eggs and bacey.

Cheer up, I've got a surprise for you.

Give it to me later.

How about I give it to somebody else?

Okay, what?

Happy graduation.

Awesome.

Thanks, Pop Pop. The Civic.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Give it back. Give it back.

Happy graduation.

What is this? The truck?

It's not a truck. It's a family business.

Why can't I have the Civic?

The Civic is mine.

The truck? What am I supposed to do with the truck?

You got your own business.

People work their whole lives for that.

Be your own boss.

Anywhere you go you have a nice income.

Not for long.

People don't want to eat pig eyes or donkey dicks

or whatever hot dogs are made of anymore.

You're right. You're so goddamn smart,

sell them broccoli burgers or gaysicles

or whatever the hell it is they do eat these days.

How come you couldn't just give me money like everybody else?

It's a good thing your mother's not alive to hear you talk so ungrateful.

Otherwise the both of us would just smack the hell out of you.

I'm going upstairs.

Pop Pop: Tobe.

Tobe!

Thattaboy.

Chip off the old block.

That's nice. That's really nice.

(phone rings)

- Hello. - Man: Hello.

- I'm calling about the Weenie Wiz. - Yeah.

I saw your ad on the web. It's 1970 all original?

Uh, yeah.

And the giant hot dog, what's that built of?

Um, metal. Yeah, metal and paint.

It's a work of art. A thing of mystery meat beauty.

You want to come take a look at it this afternoon?

I'd love to, but I'm in Loogootee.

- What? - Loogootee, Indiana.

The place where corn on the cob comes from.

I saw your post on the web.

Um, well, can you come up here and get it?

I don't have a lot of time.

I don't know, it's not like I can drive it to Indiana.

(rock music playing)

♪ I'm just like putty ♪

♪ Putty in your hands ♪

♪ With a wave of your hand ♪

♪ Putty putty ♪

♪ I'm your slave to go man ♪

♪ And I'll go on this way... ♪

Hey, I see you, you little creep.

- What? - Were you gonna stand here all night

- looking at my daughter, huh? - Dad!

- Well? - What? No, sir.

- I just came to see your daughter. - Tell it to the police, punk.

- Oooh! - Hey, come back here!

- (engine sputtering) - Come back here!

We are not done. Where are you going?

- Hey, I've got to talk to you. - Leave me alone.

Hey.

Pop Pop: The cops was just here.

What for?

They told me somebody who was driving the Weenie Wiz

was caught peeping through some high school girl's window tonight.

- It wasn't me. - Of course it was you.

What do you think, I'm some kind of a half-assed retard?

Okay. Well, I'm sorry. I won't do it again.

I told them I didn't know a thing about it.

I said it must have been somebody else's blue truck

with a 20-foot hot dog on top.

For some reason they had trouble believing that.

Now they think I'm Lester the molester for Christ's sake.

Do you realize what you're doing to me?

It's time you grew up, God damn it.

Go back to school or get some kind of a job.

Find yourself a girlfriend.

Hanging around that rathole room

with those crazy movies and all that goddamn junk.

What should I do? Sit around getting drunk all day?

You know, sometime you and that smart mouth are gonna turn around

and you're gonna find me croaked.

Not the way you put it away. You're preserved

like some mutant two-headed sheep or Einstein's brain.

You through, smartass?

Never wanted to have this conversation to begin with.

You've got a head like a rock.

Just like your mother.

Pop Pop: I hear you in there, you little hoodlum.

Go to bed.

Okay okay. I'm sorry.

Pinhook. Pinhook.

Pinhook.

Loogootee.

Pinhook.

Yay.

Getting closer all the time, buddy.

- Man: Hello? - It's Tobe.

We talked before about the truck I'm selling.

- The giant doggy? - Are you still interested?

I'm pretty far.

No no, it's cool. I'm gonna drive it down.

- My lucky day. - $5000, right?

- That's right. - I'll take the bus back.

- There's a bus station, right? - Hey, where's the rest of your hat?

- Of course. - Great. See you soon.

I'm leaving, Pop Pop.

The windows around here aren't big enough for you?

I'm going to Indiana to sell the truck

and then I don't know what I'll do.

You're leaving just because I yelled at you?

Later, Kenny.

Hey hey. Well, do you need anything?

Get cash.

Even if you've got to walk the guy to the bank, get cash.

Hey, where are you going?

♪ Love is waiting just around the corner ♪

♪ Love is waiting just around the corner ♪

♪ Love is waiting just around the corner ♪

♪ They say love is just around the corner ♪

♪ Any cozy little corner ♪

♪ Love is just around the corner ♪

♪ When I'm around you ♪

♪ Venus de Milo ♪

♪ Was noted for her charms ♪

♪ Just strictly between us, you're cuter than Venus ♪

♪ And what's more, you've got arms ♪

♪ So let's cuddle in a corner ♪

♪ Any cozy little corner ♪

♪ Love is just around the corner ♪

♪ And I'm around you ♪

♪ Love is just around the corner ♪

♪ Love is just around the corner. ♪

(exhales)

♪ Cocaine, champagne ♪

♪ Take a ride on my jet plane ♪

♪ Spotlights, late nights ♪

♪ End it all with a drunken fight... ♪

Hey, baby. What are we drinking?

Uh, bourbon.

Coming right up, handsome.

Take a seat wherever you want.

Oh, and I need $40 cash upfront for the drinks.

- Here, I'll get it. - Wait, is that...

Wait, no. I'm looking for Miss Monica Velour.

Monica?

Yeah, she's coming on at 8:30.

I need $40 though in the front.

- Thanks. - Man on P. A: Remember,

Sunday is single dad night here at The Petting Zoo.

Free games and face painting in the parking lot for the kiddies.

(dance music playing)

Hey, I thought you said she came on at 8:30.

What's your name anyway?

Snickers.

Your parents gave you a dog's name?

No, it's a candy bar.

Huh.

I guess it's better than PayDay.

Or Crackle.

You need another drink.

No.

I'll just finish what I have.

♪ Now is the time to release ♪

♪ All the things you've been holding back... ♪

You want to go to the executive VIP lounge?

Where's that?

Only $400.

We could have a real good time.

I didn't see any lounge.

We used to have a lounge but the roof collapsed.

Now it's in the back seat of my car.

Okay, for you...

$200.

No. No thank you.

I'm here to see Monica Velour.

- $100. - Huh-uh.

- $60 and two packs of smokes? - No.

Hey, fellas. What are we having?

- I'm hungry for a bite of Snickers. - Yeah?

- Snickers needs some nuts. - Right here, baby.

Man on P. A: And now the star of "Welcome Back Harder"

and "Saturday Night Beaver," adult film superstar

- Monica Velour. - Monica Velour.

Whoo! Monica!

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I celebrate my love ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ It seems ♪

♪ The natural thing to do ♪

♪ Tonight no one's gonna find us ♪

♪ We'll leave the world behind us ♪

♪ When I make love to you... ♪

Man: You've got to be shitting me.

(laughs) Damn.

Somebody ordered off the senior menu.

Shut up.

Man: I think grandma's got Depends on under there.

Man #2: Right.

It's amateur night at the old folks' home.

(men laughing)

Yo, I think this guy over here is in love.

(laughs)

Oh, leave it on, baby.

- Leave it on. - Shh!

Hey, I think this dickwad has a problem.

Yo, dickwad. What's your problem?

I don't... I don't have a problem.

No, I think you do have a problem.

You keep giving me a look like some kind of pissed-off faggot look.

- You know what I mean? - Yeah, I see that look.

Hey, can't we all just get along?

We're all friends. This guy just wants us to be polite

while his grandma up there earns money for his back-to-school clothes.

Right, guy?

Don't the sheep back at the frat house

feel neglected with all you guys here tonight?

- What? - Hear what he said to you, son?

Snickers: Oh no he didn't.

Who the fuck do you think you are, geek?

That's Monica Velour. Okay?

More woman than you sad rodeo clowns

could ever hope to get in your entire regrettable existences.

Big words from such a little dick.

Man #2: That's what I'm talking about, man.

♪ How friends turn into lovers ♪

♪ When I make love to you... ♪

- (men laugh) - (grunts)

- Fuck this shit! - Snickers: Jesus Christ! Milton!

(clamoring)

Come on, get up. Get up.

Bouncer: God damn it, stop it!

Owner: Look at my club!

Monica: It's not my fault.

Owner: Never happened until you came around.

You promised me eight weeks of headlining.

I know what I promised you. But look at you.

You're too old to be dancing. I'll tell you what...

why don't you come in on Monday and work the room, huh?

She's not working the room with me.

- Oh, eat me, Sparkles. - Snickers.

That boy was just doing what you should have been doing.

Just because we work in a sty don't mean we got to put up with those pigs.

We got rights.

I'm gonna give you two rights, a left

and another right if you don't shut up and get out of my face!

You ain't my daddy.

Close the door.

Come on. Come on. Come on, I've got a kid.

Owner: That makes two people with problems, don't it?

What about my car service? How am I supposed to get home?

Owner: Stick a rocket up your ass and fly.

I don't care.

Bye.

(radio chatter)

How's he doing?

You know this fella?

He knows me.

He'll be fine.

Might have actually gotten hurt if he weren't so loaded.

People probably survive a plane crash, they get enough beers in 'em.

Ma'am, he's not fit to drive. You know where he lives?

Uh, yeah.

I don't live anywhere near here.

Just don't talk. I'll tell them where to go.

You'll have to sign off for him.

Hey, is that nitrous?

(Tobe groans)

Tobe: Is this your house?

Well, I didn't know where you lived

and I figured one of us should be able to get home okay.

Where do you live, anyway?

Auburn, Washington.

Your parents vacationing down here?

My mom died when I was three

and I haven't met my dad.

Jeez, sorry.

So what are you doing here?

I came to see you.

- Just me? - Uh-huh.

How old are you? 18? 19?

18.

Do you know how old I am?

I could have had you.

So?

You're Monica Velour.

You're beautiful.

You're...

you're a star.

Now I know you're drunk.

Come on, upsy-daisy.

What is that?

It's what you need right now, trust me.

(gags)

Ugh, it tastes like powdered puke.

Well, you'll thank me tomorrow.

Don't do a whole lot of drinking, do you?

Not really.

Once I drank a whole case

of non-alcoholic beer though.

I woke up in a pile of fake vomit. (chuckles)

I heard what you did. It was nice.

Stupid, but nice.

It's not often a guy stands up for me.

Those guys were morons.

They were just talking bullshit.

Ah, who knows? Maybe not.

There are certain things a girl just don't want to hear

no matter how old she gets.

But that's the deal, right?

You're only as good as what's in your bra and panties.

It's weird.

You're a dream.

It looks like you've been popped out of the movie

to sit on the couch with me.

I used to watch your movies and think about how great it would be

to meet you and talk to you, hang out with you.

But it was always just a dream.

But now my dream is real.

Get a lot of ass talking like that?

You got any dough?

My wallet is in my backpack.

I'm calling you a cab.

(phone ringing)

Recording: You've reached the Country Checkered Cab Company

serving Pinhook, Loogootee

and all of greater Guthrie Township.

Your call is important to us.

Please wait.

So where are you staying?

Fuck.

Come on.

Wake up.

The school bus is outside.

The ice cream man is here.

Santa Claus came.

(meows)

(horn honks)

(car approaching)

Hey, Kayla kitten.

Ronny, a phone call would really be appreciated

before you decide to just drop on by.

I saw the police and ambulance at the club last night.

I just came by to see if you were dead.

Well, sorry to disappoint you.

"Stripper Wins Custody Battle."

That's not a headline you read a whole bunch, huh?

Well, I've got to make a living somehow.

It's not like your alimony can keep me going.

No, well, that's why I came by.

See, my lawyer, he wants to make some changes now that you're working.

Great.

So? You gonna invite us in?

Look,

it's 8:00 AM on a Saturday morning.

Can't we... can't we do this some other time?

I ain't leaving. So maybe we'd just better take this inside, huh?

No.

You got somebody in there, don't you?

It's none of your goddamn business.

You're turning tricks again, aren't you?

Monica: You know what? Fuck you.

Ronny: The judge is gonna love this.

This... this is rich.

I've got to see for myself what kid of loser

pays money to screw an old shipwreck like you.

What?

Hey hey! Hey hey! Ow!

- Get out of here! Just get out! - Dumb bitch.

Hey, you're sick, you know that? You need help.

Just go. Go, little man.

- Yeah yeah yeah. - Mommy!

Keep it up, you'll see her when she's 21.

Kayla baby, I'm sorry.

Everything's gonna be fine.

What are you doing?

Look, it's not a good time.

You need to go.

Wakey wakey, eggs and bacey.

It's... you shouldn't have been here to begin with.

Just beat it.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Those eggs are probably bad.

Five minutes.

Breakfast and then I'll go.

This is a switch.

(crying)

Look, you really really need to go.

Um, can I get your autograph?

Sure.

Like one on your underwear or something?

No no. Hold on.

Monica: Jeez, look at this.

Some old perv croak and leave it to you?

No, it's, uh, mine.

God.

Haven't seen that stuff in years.

My ex made me burn all my movie junk.

Oh, here you are. Girl of the Month.

Yeah, right. My big break.

- Miss January, 1978. - 1978.

Um, were your turn-ons

really chest hair and customized vans?

If they were, they sure ain't now.

I think my manager wrote most of that crap.

Hey, what's that?

That's the premiere of "Furburger Deluxe."

Oh right, the drive-in waitress one.

Believe me,

bending over in roller skates is not as easy as it looks.

God, where'd you get all this crap?

Uh, the web,

junk stores.

All over.

Must have a lot of time on your hands.

You're the best.

I don't get into much. Only the best.

Yeah, were the best. Were.

You know, all this time

I told my folks that I was a jazzercise instructor.

13 years of my life

right here.

Look, you should split.

I've got some people coming by.

It was really nice to meet you.

So can I see you?

Bye-bye.

- My van is really far. - Bye.

Yeah.

All right, see you later.

Maybe.

♪ Keep knocking and you can't come in ♪

♪ Keep knocking and you can't come in ♪

♪ Keep knocking and you can't come in... ♪

Pop Pop: Hello.

Tobe's not here.

Speak slow and leave your number.

Semper fi.

(machine beeps)

Hey, Pop Pop. It's Tobe.

I'm in Indiana.

I got beat up,

cheated out of money,

someone spray painted the truck,

people tell me to go home.

So much for small-town hospitality.

Don't touch my junk. I'm coming back.

I'm just gonna sell the truck and take a bus home.

- Hello? - Tobe: Hey, Claude.

It's Tobe.

I'm driving through your neighbor's cornfields.

- I'm in the big white barn. - I see it.

(engine sputters)

Claude: Can you see me?

- Uh, yeah, I see you. - I can see you too.

- (roars) - (screams)

(laughing)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Listen, I put a lot of work into that guy.

I've got to use him every chance I get.

Claude Turner.

Hey, Tobe.

You look like you're having a rough trip.

No, it's cool.

You want to check out the truck?

The phallic symbol express? Absolutely.

Come on.

Hmm.

Whatever floats your boat.

Claude: Come on in.

Whoa.

(bottles clinking)

So you're an artist?

That's a good word.

Pretty cool stuff.

More good words.

Here you go.

Root beer, king of soda.

You collect all the stuff my grandpa would tell me to throw out.

He called it junk.

American culture.

Junk is America.

We don't have the Sistine Chapel or the pyramids.

We have PEZ dispensers

and Big Boy

and trucks with weenies.

And a Russ Meyer and a Creature Feature.

- (roars) - Oh!

(laughing)

Look, we're only 200 years old.

We're still the naive,

over-hormonal teenagers of planet Earth

making lots of mistakes.

- That's five grand, right? - Yeah.

Oh, uh, no checks.

Cash.

Oh?

Hmm.

Well, you know,

I'm not the cash-laden celeb artist I appear to be.

It'll take me a few days before I can get over to the bank.

But I can offer you something for collateral.

Maybe we can even make a trade.

How about Uncle Ronny or Tricky Dick for the truck?

I can stay in town until Monday.

Is Monday good?

Okay.

(Claude laughs)

♪ See see Rider ♪

♪ See what you've done done ♪

♪ Lord Lord Lord ♪

♪ Made me love you ♪

♪ Now your gal done come ♪

♪ You made me love you ♪

♪ Now your gal done come. ♪

(engine sputters)

Hey. Hey!

Who are you?

Uh, a friend.

She's not here right now.

Go get your happy ending somewhere else.

Thanks for the tip.

What's the matter?

You got something against beautiful teenage girls?

You miss your mommy?

Or did you forget what year it is? (laughs)

(camera clicks)

Woman: Hey!

- What you do? - I'm her husband.

You bug off.

- I call police. - Hey hey, relax.

- (shouting in Cambodian) - Ow! Hey!

Hey, stop it!

Hey hey!

Yeah, I know, steamed dumplings in 20 minutes. Yeah.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

- Thanks for coming down. - Who couldn't wash somebody's hair?

A dead monkey could do this, I'm telling you.

You know I have a kid right?

Weekends, extra, whatever you need.

Hey. Hey.

She says I don't have the proper image, she says.

She says this is a class establishment.

Dusty-cunted old hag, where does she get off?

I've got class coming out of my friggin' ass.

Swear to God,

you screw a few hundred guys and the whole world turns against you.

I need a drink.

Hold this.

Fuck 'em all.

(slurping)

That winner at my house the other morning was my ex,

if you hadn't figured that out.

Sounds like a good person to be broken up with.

Yeah. Right now it's looking pretty crappy.

I'm taking him to court to get custody of my daughter.

If he finds out I'm back in the biz

I've got a snowball's chance in hell.

But you're not still in it, are you?

You haven't done a movie since "Where's the Beef?"

No, there's these local guys,

they want to put me in a comeback movie.

They say I've got box cover recognition.

I shouldn't do it, but I'm fucking broker than broke.

Won't your ex find out? Can't you do something else?

Yeah.

You saw how that went.

So what's this movie about?

Well, there's no script, but I think it's gonna be good.

I mean classy. Something that'll lead to bigger things.

What's it called?

"Bunghole Banditos."

Wow.

Sounds like Oscar time.

I don't know.

It's not gonna be like the old days.

They had real stories.

We were actresses. We tried to make it believable.

Yeah, now it's like Evel Knievel is directing.

Yeah right. 50 guys, one girl,

half a gallon of Crisco... will she make it?

- Did you hear her? - Yeah, but...

they want to pay me three grand.

That's a lot more than I got in the '70s.

I mean, some of those early ones all I got was 50 bucks,

a stick of grass and a case of the crabs.

(groans)

Is the crabs thing still part of your contract?

You are a weird fucking kid.

Linda. Linda baby,

we've got to get together,

- party sometime. - Yeah, whoo!

Sure, how's never? Is never a good time?

- I got 20 bucks. - (men laugh)

That's my real name... Linda Romanoli.

You probably already knew that.

And my shoe size and blood type too.

Eight and a half.

I don't know your blood type. Honest.

I'm gonna be sick. I've got to sit down.

All right, don't sit. Don't sit. Don't sit.

You're almost home.

♪ Doing things right four or five times ♪

♪ Four or five times ♪

- ♪ Maybe I'll sigh ♪ - ♪ Maybe I'll sigh ♪

- ♪ And maybe I'll cry ♪ - ♪ And maybe I'll cry... ♪

- (grunts) - ♪ If I die ♪

♪ I'm gonna try four or five times ♪

♪ Four of five times... ♪

(scatting)

- Hold on. - Oh!

What kind of knight in shining armor are you?

- ♪ And maybe I'll cry ♪ - ♪ And maybe I'll cry... ♪

No no. No no no.

You're kinda cute.

Like the guy in the "Archie" comics with the funny hat.

Jughead. He was the drummer in their band.

Right.

Oh!

(groans)

- I'm thinking you maybe should leave. - (water running)

Here.

Can I call you?

(snoring)

Score.

What can I do for you today?

Um... uh...

I'd like to buy some fireworks.

(knocks)

You look for her?

Uh, yeah. Do you know where she is?

At school.

Every day same time.

Do you know where that is?

This way. Not far.

Half a mile.

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Baby, are you satisfied? ♪

- Hello. - Hi, Daddy.

♪ I say baby... ♪

- How was school? ♪ Baby, are you satisfied? ♪

♪ Mmm, baby ♪

♪ Tell me if you're satisfied ♪

(whistling)

Tobe: They're so worried about your safety, you know?

They spend half your class time letting you know that drugs kill,

don't drink and drive,

don't have sex... you'll get AIDs,

don't commit suicide. If you're thinking about it get help.

And then what do they do?

Uh, I can't think.

Well, here, they let you sign up for the army

at the booth in front of the gym.

- Gym? - Uh-huh.

- (phone ringing) - I hate gym.

Hold that thought.

- Hey, Monica. - Hey, kiddo. I got your note.

(spooky music playing)

Man: There is only one thing to do.

Frankenbooty must be destroyed.

- I won an award for this. - (man grunting)

Yeah, the Coochie Award for breast actress, 1980.

Yeah yeah.

It's kind of like an Oscar except shaped like a horse dick.

I wound up banging the dents out of my Chevy with it.

What was it like working with Donnie Davis?

I mean, he totally revolutionized horror

with "The Last House on the Street" and "The House Two Doors Down."

Well, I can't tell you much there.

I mean, the guy knocked off a case of Scotch a week.

He wasn't awake for most of the shoot, and when he was

his attention was mostly focused on how to most effectively grab my ass.

- (screams) - (groaning)

(screams)

Now this part, to me this is like

a direct homage to the Hammer Films tradition

of horror with sex.

Homage? Ain't that cheese?

(chuckles)

Oh no, it's French. It means "to show respect for."

(moaning)

Well, the only French you should use when talking about this masterpiece

is "la turd" or "la money de easy."

You know what I think of this?

It was fun to make

but boring as paint drying to watch.

(grunting)

- (moans loudly) - Oh!

Now you know how it feels.

(laughs)

You are a weird fucking kid.

(camera beeping, clicking)

Come on. I look like dog crap.

You, nature... what's not to like?

You'll break your camera.

(sighs)

Where the hell are we going?

You wouldn't be the first guy to take me out to the woods

to try and kill me, you know.

That's weird.

- And? - Sit down.

Relax.

What are you doing?

It's okay.

Are you... are you trying to fucking kill me?

Okay, turn it off. I'm not kidding.

It's okay, it's okay.

It's our one-week anniversary.

I met you a week ago today.

- (fireworks exploding) - All right, get down. Get down.

(Monica screaming)

- (Tobe coughing) - You fucking dick.

(Tobe laughs)

- Tobe: That was awesome. - Monica: That was really good.

(coughs)

And for dinner we have hot dogs.

That's a shock.

So how did you first hook up with Mr. Wonderful?

Yeah, right.

I had this gig dancing down in Tampa.

And he brought in his business clients,

became a regular, talked to the girls,

started asking me out and after a while I said yeah.

And at first it was nice.

He treated me good.

He bought me nice stuff.

He had a good job. He was straight.

So getting married seemed like the thing to do.

And I tried to be a good girl,

but it weren't enough.

What he wanted was a goddamn slave.

Ouch.

Yeah, we fought all the time,

throwing dishes, the whole nine yards.

We knew the cops by name after awhile.

Everybody makes mistakes.

Yeah, everybody makes mistakes.

Sure, but it ain't that easy.

You can make a mistake that can ruin your whole life.

He didn't ruin your life.

Yeah, I got Kayla out of it.

It's just life, you know?

You get sucked into things and time goes by

and you wonder who's that looking at you in the mirror.

Not that you'd understand.

It's just...

I thought I'd be farther along at this age,

made a difference in the world.

You know?

But you have made a difference.

You made people happy, excited.

Excited?

I think I've had a little too much of that kind of excitement in my life.

People like me...

goofy-looking guys who can't get a date,

lonely old guys or couples even.

I mean, there are probably thousands of babies

born from "Jigglebuns Part 2" alone.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Got a girlfriend?

No.

I don't know.

There was this one girl I liked... Amanda.

But she's a dork.

And I'm a dork.

I think dork dating is still illegal in most states.

You're just scared.

I'm not scared.

Young and scared of the real thing.

You're scared it won't be like a movie.

If you could be anywhere in the world right now,

where would you be?

I don't know.

Well, think of someplace.

But how am I gonna get there?

You gonna drive me in the bonermobile?

Okay.

Oregon.

What's in Oregon?

It's natural out there.

I don't know. It's spiritual.

There's the ocean and clams on the beach.

Great dope.

Me and Kayla, we get a place in the woods...

a log cabin.

Nobody looking down their noses at us anymore.

I heard of a family who did that once.

Really?

Yeah.

Gave it all up and moved out into the woods.

That's cool. How'd they do?

One winter they got snowed in

and they had to eat their grandma.

You know, for a young kid,

you really are a negative downer.

Sorry.

You know what I hate more than anything else?

Negativeness.

Hmm.

I sort of have a confession to make.

I knew this was coming.

I'm 17.

17.

Fuck.

I think the last date I had with a 17-year-old,

I was 12.

I turn 18 in October.

Hmm.

You a virgin?

It's cute.

It's old-timey like a...

like a kid still wanting to be president.

Monica: I'm not stupid.

You had this all planned.

Tobe: Is that okay? We can go home.

Monica: No. It's original.

"A" for effort.

- Pinch a little, don't twist. - Tobe: Oh.

- You ain't changing channels. - I'm sorry.

Monica: No, don't press on it.

More like you're painting a house.

Tobe: Is this good?

Monica: There you go.

Just like that.

(moans)

Now put a raincoat on your little friend there.

- Tobe: Little? - Don't worry about it.

- Tobe: Oh, wow. - Monica: Oh, that's right.

- (Tobe moaning) - Back and forth.

- Little circles. - (Tobe moaning louder)

(Monica moaning) Little circles.

(both moaning)

(both sigh)

('30s music playing)

Whoo!

Whoo! Yeah!

♪ I love someone second to none ♪

♪ But, Cupid, you hear me talking to you ♪

♪ In making love he makes a dove look stupid ♪

♪ He's made love a special art ♪

♪ Gives me treatment for my heart ♪

♪ I realized ♪

♪ Right from the start... ♪

(answering machine beeps)

Hey, Pop Pop, call me.

Call me back on the telephone.

You know, the telephone?

Remember reading about that?

It was invented shortly after your 40th birthday.

It's where you can talk to people far away without having to yell real loud.

Come on.

(dialing)

(ringing)

Kenny: Steeno residence, Kenneth speaking.

Kenny, it's Tobe. Hey, have you seen my grandpa?

- Is he all right? - I was at the skin doctor all day.

Do me a favor... find him. Tell him to ignore my last message.

I don't think I'm coming back.

Huh? Why?

Tell him I'm in love

with Monica Velour.

Who's that?

It's the lady in all my posters.

Just do it.

(chatting)

I don't know where you get that, but it's good.

I need that too.

Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs.

(men laughing)

Hi, Mommy.

Hey, baby.

Uh, why aren't you with your daddy?

Tobe said you wanted to see me.

Didn't I tell you never to go with strangers?

He's not a stranger. He's your friend. I saw him in your house.

What the hell are you doing?

Are you crazy?

You wanted to see her. Here she is.

And you didn't pick her up so there's no custody rules broken.

This is not cool. My ex finds out about this, he's gonna shit.

Johnny, watch Kayla, will you?

- Come here, Kayla. - Go on, baby.

What are those guys doing here?

- They're my friends. - They're the creeps who yelled at you.

Look, you can't do this, coming around out of the blue,

picking up my kid, asking all kinds of questions.

- Huh-uh. - Hey, who invited Oscar Mayer?

(laughing)

I'd like to see you. What about tomorrow?

I don't think so. I'm working.

You got a job?

Yeah, I'm gonna do some glamour work over at the Crestline Motor Lodge.

I'm gonna be a big star all over again.

Wait, that "Bunghole Burrito" movie?

I thought you said you didn't want to.

Yeah, well, when is life doing things you want to?

I need the money. You got any better suggestions?

I mean, I can't even get a six-buck- an-hour shampoo girl job in this town.

Not without someone waving a dick in my face.

- Well, what about Kayla? - What about Kayla?

Lawyers don't work for free.

No, you said that if people find out you're back in the business,

you would never get custody.

Well, maybe I'll get lucky this time.

Nobody will ever know I did it.

The way this one sounds,

they're not gonna be taking any close-ups of my face anyway.

There has to be something else though.

This could ruin everything.

What are you getting so high and mighty for?

You wouldn't even know who I was unless I balled on camera.

Come on, Linda. Beer's getting cold.

I mean warm.

- And I'm getting cold. Come on. - (laughing)

You know something? You're just like all the rest.

You spend your whole life looking for some wild jungle sex machine.

And when you find one all you want to do is turn her into fucking June Cleaver.

I just... I just don't think you should do it. I could help you.

Look, I don't need another guy

trying to run my life.

You're not my boyfriend.

You're some kid I took home 'cause I felt sorry for.

And you're fucking 17.

I mean, all you know about is, like, book reports

and dances at the gym

and some stupid movies I did 30 years ago.

I mean, that's fantasy. This is reality.

That's something you know nothing about.

And the reality is that me and every other woman in the world...

we have minds of our own.

So unless you want to buy some Arab slave girl

or a thing you blow up with a bicycle pump,

you'd better learn to fucking deal with it.

You should go.

Monica, really, I care about you.

Yeah, that's not my name.

Hey, you got ears, weenie boy?

The lady don't want you around here.

You're busting up the party. Amscray.

Okay, I want you to call your daddy

and tell him that you're with a girlfriend

and you're gonna be home soon, okay?

Okay.

- (snorting) - Yeah, baby.

Oh, fuck me!

- (laughs) - Later.

(laughing)

I see you.

(gagging)

Oh, fuck.

(crackling)

(knocks)

Hey, Tobe.

I was wondering if I'd ever see you again.

Here to bestow me with the wondrous educated hot dog?

Yeah.

Sorry, I got caught up in some stuff.

That's five grand, right?

What kind of stuff catches you up in Loogootee?

Well, there's this woman I'm involved in.

You work fast.

I sort of knew her from before.

Oh, the thick plottens.

(laughs)

Everything hunky-dory?

I don't know. Maybe...

maybe I need some advice.

Well, if you don't mind

that I've lived alone for going on 10 years.

When I was your age a computer would fill this whole barn.

Sit down.

This girl that I...

or this woman that I'm with,

she's a mess.

I see.

I mean, she's angry all the time.

You know, it's like she's given up on things ever going right for her.

It's like the biggest problem she has is her.

Sounds like a lot of people sometime.

How old is your lady-friend?

Uh, 49.

You know, I hate to be the one to say this to you but...

but you may not be big enough to go on this ride.

She's surrounded by creeps.

They're just taking total advantage of her.

We bring people into our lives for a reason.

She brought you into hers.

I want to help her.

I know I can make things better for her.

Yeah, helping people...

tricky biz.

Now you can open the door and they just stay there.

Or even jump out the window.

But she's gonna ruin her life.

I don't... what should I do?

You care about her?

Yeah.

Her, not just you and her?

Uh-huh.

(sighs)

Then you have to do the first thing that comes into your mind.

Unless it involves automatic weapons.

Or semi-automatic weapons.

Even if you flop,

it'll be real.

It'll be a Tobe...

Hulbert.

It'll be a Tobe Hulbert flop.

But what if I do flop?

Well,

my dad, also Claude, was a magician

back when people really wanted to believe

in something that was obviously unreal.

When I would watch him do his act,

it would be another layer

of mystery for me and my mom,

if the tricks he did last week

would work this week.

They didn't always.

Sometimes the rabbit would be in heat.

Or the assistant got drunk.

Even magic can let you down sometimes.

But when I would ask him about things going wrong,

he said,

"Show up on time,

do your act 100%

and hope for the best."

So there you have it.

From my dad to you.

Show up on time.

Do your act 100%.

And hope?

And hope.

Anything else?

- See you. - Bye.

Thanks for the bike. Wish me luck.

All effort only postpones our inevitable failures.

- What? - Good luck.

(knocking)

Yeah, no. Just...

(knocks)

Listen, not happening, buddy, all right?

Wait wait.

Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah yeah. Come on in.

Hurry up.

I don't want him to be part of this.

Who fucking cares what you want?

The more the merrier.

And just for that, Tinker Bell here gets first pop.

Listen, you little stalker from a time warp.

Producer: All right, come on. Strip down, bro.

It's almost game time. I want to get some test shots.

Work on your wood, dude. Time is money.

I'm gonna go grab me some smokes.

And lube up, honey. I want to get rolling.

Director: Where are you going?

(all laughing)

(knocking)

It's the cops.

I'll handle this.

Howdy, Officers.

I got a report of some suspicious activities in here.

No, just making a good old fashioned all-American dirty movie.

You fellas care to join us?

Uh, no.

We need to see IDs from everyone.

Come on, guys. It's gonna be fine.

You in charge here?

Yeah, Rod Kroger. This is my director Luke Rivet.

- Underage. 17. - What? What?

Are you... Rod, come on. Rod! Rod!

Come on. Come on. He's not even supposed to be here.

We haven't shot anything yet, all right?

Son, you know what's going on here?

They just told me if I did what they said I could have a good time

- and make some money. - Luke: Liar!

Get him out of here.

- Grab your gear, kid. - Bitch, you set us up.

Party's over, amigos.

Oh, Jesus H Christ taking a dump. What now?

Mrs. Hulbert, your son here

almost got into some very serious trouble.

I really think you need to keep a closer watch on him,

his acquaintances, his classmates,

his internet sites.

Pornography is an evil thing.

Thank you, Officer.

Love her with all your might, Tobe.

(clicks) She's the only one you got.

Man, I loved her in "Frankenbooty."

Female cop: What?

That's two jobs you screwed me out of.

And you almost got me busted.

Spent my last 20 bucks on a cab ride home.

You got some fucking explaining to do, kiddo.

I, uh...

I thought these might help you in court.

Jesus.

He's an even bigger asswipe than I thought.

If that's possible.

Oh man. I'm gonna gold frame this one.

What is this?

It's 5000.

For you.

Holy Christ.

What do I got to do?

Nothing.

It's for Oregon.

You, me, Kayla.

What?

I really need the money but...

We can't.

Well, I...

I could go to school, work part time.

You could, I don't know,

start a business or something.

Oh, come on.

I need some old fart who's got a good job

and wants to settle down. I got a kid.

I mean, you're 17.

No guy your age wants to be a father.

You need to do things.

You need to see the world.

You'd leave us high and dry.

Kayla's got one half-ass dad already.

That's more than enough.

But...

this has been so great, right?

I've done more this week than I've probably done my whole life.

I mean, you're incredible.

- Don't. - I love...

Huh-uh.

You're only gonna make it worse.

Don't I get to decide what I can say?

No. Not this time.

You're the baby. I'm the grownup here.

Fuck you.

- Get up. - No.

Get up.

Okay.

I'm gonna make this nice and easy.

This is you and this is me.

Again.

You.

Me.

You need to go.

Go home.

Get a girlfriend your own age and do something with your life.

But I sold the truck to help you.

You made me happy. I want you to be happy.

You're Monica Velour. I never even thought...

Shh.

Kiss me.

I've done it all.

But I think I like kissing best.

Fuck you. Fuck you! Fuck you!

(sighs)

(crying)

Work of art.

(Mexican music playing)

(men shouting, cheering)

Oh my God.

(moaning)

Oh!

- You ever heard of a knock? - Oh boy.

What are you doing watching my videos?

Hey, it's my house, okay?

Goodbye, candypants.

Listen, I'll call you tomorrow down the hall, all right?

Oh, Pop Pop. Impressionable young mind here.

You could never be a doctor.

Damn, there goes my lifelong career goal.

Pop Pop: You could have wrote, you know.

You could have answered the phone.

- I was busy. - Yeah, I see.

Yeah, while you were out proposing to Miss October 1914,

I thought maybe I might enjoy myself for a while.

How'd you know?

The kid told me. What's his name? Neighbor's boy.

Are you okay? Did you have a good time?

Did you get cash for the truck?

Yeah, I did.

Did you miss me?

What the hell do you think?

Who else have I got in my life

except for you, you skinny little pain in the ass?

Kenny: I knew you'd be back.

- (Kenny screams) - Pop Pop, it's against the law.

Pop Pop: All right, all right.

Maybe I should just hang out with Tommy Komenski.

Kenny, Kenny, Kenny. Uh, he's sorry.

Just don't tell your parents, okay?

He's too old to do jail time. What's up?

I tried to tell you on the phone.

Some girl came by. She was looking for you.

She gave me this.

(gargling)

(cracks)

- Tobe: Amanda? - That's me.

Hey, it's Tobe from school.

I got your note. What's up?

Amanda: Not much. Just babysitting all summer.

Tobe: So you like Russ Meyer?

Amanda: Totally. "Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens"

is like "Our Town" on acid and, like, Viagra.

I found your gift on the lawn. Sorry my dad scared you away.

Tobe: Oh yeah.

Amanda: Don't worry, he scares everyone away.

So where were you?

Tobe: I sold my truck

and wanted to drive around and see the country.

Amanda: Really?

Last time I stopped by, your friend told me you were marrying a hooker.

Tobe: What? No, no hookers. That's Kenny.

Kenny fell out of a Tilt-a-Whirl when he was eight.

He hasn't been the same since.

I've seen him try to make phone calls with a cable remote.

Amanda: Good.

I don't go out with married guys.

Tobe: So we should hang out sometime.

Amanda: I don't work weekends.

(camera clicks)

(instrumental music playing)