Original subtitles

2019 Dave Chappelle: Stick & Stone.

"tell me something. your mothefucker can't tell me nothing. i'd rather die than to listen to you"

"i know real niggas happen to love it"

i was dreaming when i wrote this forgive me if it goes astray, but when i woke up

this morning coulda sworn it was Judgment Day. Sky was all purple there

were people running everywhere and this is the bar the whole song Prince they

trying to run from my destruction you know i didn't even care

good people of Atlanta. we must never forget that Anthony Bourdain, killed...

...himself.

Anthony Bourdain had the greatest job that showbusiness ever produced

this nigga flew around the world and a delicious meals without standing people

that man would that job hung himself in a luxury suite in France. they say 2 thousand...

zero zero party over oops. at the time.

so too... i know a nigga in high school that was an urban genius this motherfuckers

grades was so good he got all the way from the hood to an ivy League school

with a full scholarship from there the motherfucker got himself into one of the

best law schools in the country and when he was in law school he met a woman and

they fell in love and they were gonna get married i remember him telling me

about it he was home for Christmas and i told him i said my man my man saved that

bitch for later in your life

but he's in love he didn't listen to me he married her while he was in law

school and sadly they got divorced while he was in law school he was a street

nigger from the hood his man had nothing and that bitch took half of that and

then i just never saw him again for years and then two years ago i was home

in DC doing some shopping trying to buy my sons some socks and footlocker i go

to footlocker guess who's the manager? that nigga.

dressed like a referee the whole shit mother fucker is 45 years old. we went...

...out drinking that night just trying to catch up and and he told me he said he's

been living with his mother for like ten years just trying to get back on his

feet but that's not the point of the story the point of the story is never

occurred to this nigga to kill himself he's alive and well in DC

i even suggested to him

nobody's life is perfect. no matter what it looks like from the outside, you don't..

know what the fuck's going on inside, i have a great life but it's not a perfect

life but it's good it's my shits like an above-ground pool you ever seen one

so in that spirit. tonight i thought i'd start my show a little differently

tonight i'm gonna do something that. i'm not particularly good at but that i like

to do tonight i'm going to try some impressions out

all i got to

i the first impression is kind of dumb but i like it this this is my impression

he ready this is my impression of the founding fathers of America when the

Constitution was being written you ready there it goes hurry up and finish that

Constitution nigger i'm trying to get some sleep

snap bad right

all right the next one

the next one's a little harder i want to see if you can guess who it is i'm doing

an impression of alright let me get into character yeah guess who it is though

okay here goes but though hey there if you do anything wrong in your life dull

and i find out about it i'm gonna try to take everything away from you and i

don't care what i find out could be today tomorrow 15-20 years from now if i

find out your fucking do finished. who's that? that's you. that's what the audience...

...sounds like to me.

that's why i don't be coming out doing comedy old town? because y'all niggas is...

...the worst motherfuckers. i've ever tried to entertain in my fucking life.

Oh goddamn sick of it this is the worst time ever being celebrity you're gonna

be finished it was doomed Michael Jackson has been dead for ten years and

this thing has two new cases

and if you haven't watched that documentary than i'm begging you don't

watch it it's fucking gross i felt like HBO was sticking baby dicks

in my ears before i was straight really nasty shit i want to know all these

things turns out Michael Jackson allegedly likes a long gander at the

anus they said he stands with people's buttholes that's what they said

that's how gross the documentary was

i'm gonna say something that i'm not allowed to say but i gotta be real i

don't believe these motherfuckers i do not believe but let me qualify the

statement and i was snowing on the streets as a victim blame er yeah i mean

somebody come up to me like Dave Dave Chris Brown just beat up Rihanna i'll be

like well what does she do

Dave Michael Jackson was molested children

well what were those kids wearing at the time

i don't think you did it we know what even if he did do it you know what i

mean

and then it's Michael Jackson i know more than half the people in this room

have been molested in their lives but it wasn't Oh goddamn Michael Jackson was

kid got his dick sucked by the King of Pop

all we did is awkward Thanksgivings for the rest of our lives

you know how good it must have felt to go to school the next day after that

shit hey Billy how was the weekend how was my weekend Michael Jackson sucks my

dick

and that was my first sexual experience if i'm standing here then

i know it seems harsh but man somebody's got to teach these kids there's no such

thing as a free trip to Hawaii he's gonna want to look at your butthole or

something

you know why i don't believe it you know i don't believe it

because Michael Jackson is out here doing all this molesting that then why

not Macaulay Culkin hmm Macaulay Culkin said in an interview

that Michael Jackson never did anything inappropriate with him or even around

him think about that shit you know i'm not a pedophile but if i was

McCullen Calkins the first kid i'm fucking i'll tell you that right now

i'd be a goddamn hero hey that guy over there fuck the kid from home alone and

you know how hard he is the cash

My Mind's telling me no

yeah okay our Kelly is different

you know if i'm a betting man i'm gonna put my money on he probably did that

shit

i'm pretty sure he did that shit it was bad okay so a couple years ago i was

doing a show in Detroit and i'm sitting backstage in my dressing room a friend

of mine comes by this chick dream Hampton dream tells me right before i'm

going on stage she goes Dave i'm working on a documentary on about art Kelly

would you like to be in it and i was like nah bitch i'm cool

i went on stage i just forgot about the shit and then two years later the

documentary comes out surviving our Kelly and when it comes out

dreams promoting shit and she keeps bringing me up she said i asked Dave

Chappelle to be in my documentary and he said it was too hot for TV bitch i did

not say that even saying like how i talk oh that's too hot

but i'm gonna tell you guys why i wasn't in the documentary there's a very simple

reason and i cannot stress this point enough the only reason that i didn't do

it was because and it's very important i don't know this nigga at all i don't

think i know anything that they don't tell me about i don't how would this

bigger nothing so what the fuck i gotta be in the documentary for this guy Kelly

got another sex ain't bad now can't believe that shit this guy makes more

sex tapes than he does music he's like the DJ caller of sex tapes

another one like Slap tapes the new ones so bad they didn't even show it i have

never seen anything like this the prosecutor in Chicago came out in a

press conference and read to the media a transcript of a sex tape i never heard

of such thing this nigga read the sex tape and it was so bad that our Kelly

sounded guilty in the transcripts it's fucking amazing 16 times the girls

age was mentioned and that crazy it is the best 14 pussy i've ever had in my

life she was like you like this oh yeah i love this for my man you need to shut

the fuck up you got to give you a lawyer something to work with you supposed to

be able to take like this is the best 36 year old pussy i've ever had in my life

and then your lawyer gonna be like your honor clearly my client thought that

this one was 36 as they mentioned some 16 times in the tape they go no you

lying everybody knows no such thing is good 36

year old pussy

doesn't matter what i say and if you at home watching this shit on Netflix

remember bitch you clicked on my face

celebrity hunting season doesn't matter what i say they gonna get everybody

eventually like look i don't think i did anything wrong but but we'll see they

even got to walk Kevin Hart he imagined such thing Kevin Hart let me tell you

something it was it was Kevin Hart's dream to host the Oscars that's what he

told me now i remember when he told me that i was thinking to myself it's

awfully strange dream for an african-american kind of nigga dreams of

hosting the auspice Kevin did that's who and he did it against all odds Kevin

became the most famous comedian this world has ever seen and he got the job

that only one black man performing had he was gonna host the 80th Oscars i

don't know what you know about Kevin but i know Kevin Hart is damn near perfect

it's close to perfect as anybody i've ever seen in fact Kevin is precisely for

tweets shy of being perfect

ten years ago Kevin had made some very homophobic comments and i'm not gonna

repeat what he said because this is it land

you know what i mean i'm sure there's a lot of gay men here tonight with their

wives

far be it for me to offend anybody alright i'll tell you what he said

but just remember these were not my words these were Kevin's words it was a

long time ago and i'm paraphrasing cause i'm not good at telling other people's

jokes okay Kevin said that if his little son was demonstrating or exhibiting

homosexual behavior around the house that he chastise him he'd say hey that's

gay and then he said he would smash a dollhouse over that child's head ooh the

gay community was furious then i don't blame him they got a lot of gay friends

and all of them 100% of them all have told me fucking horror stories about the

shit they had to go through just to be themselves crazy crazy stories and in

all those stories i got saying not one of them has ever mentioned anything like

their father smashing a fucking dollhouse over their head cause clearly

Kevin was joking think about it he would have to bite us make a doll house to

break it over his head in the first place does that sound right is anybody

gonna do that the gay community was upset and then they put so much pressure

on Academy of Motion Pictures of Sciences that they went to Kevin and

said if you don't apologize to that community then you cannot host these

Oscars and then Kevin said fuck it i quit

and then he went on every talk show in America and apologized for six weeks

Kevin fucked up i understand the mistake you made because i've made the same

mistake early in my career many years ago 15 years ago that's what i was doing

Chapelle show there's a on network television they have a department as

called standards and practices this is the department that tells you what you

can and cannot say on television and if you're doing your job well you should

never hear from them but if you're making Chappelle show you'll hear from

these motherfuckers all the time and remember this was 15 years ago i made a

mistake i didn't even know i had done anything wrong

i had written a sketch that had the word

so i had to go to standards and practices they call me up i don't know

why they're calling me but i liked the lady that runs the department she's

usually really fair and it was one of my favorite people i've ever worked with so

she sends me then we have nice conversation she tells me all the

sketches are great i go fantastic well then why am i here she said because

David there's no way you can ever say the word faggot on our network i didn't

know i do they were all i didn't try to defend myself i said all right fuck up

take it out have a good afternoon and as i was leaving it occurred to me

hey hey Renee quick question it's just a question i'm

serious i wonder why is it why is it that that i can save the word nigger

with impunity

but i can't say the word

as she said because David you are not gay i said well Rene i'm not a nigger

either

what you see what i didn't realize at the time and what Kevin had to learn the

hard way as we were breaking an unwritten and unspoken rule of show

business and if i say it you'll know that i'm telling you the truth the rule

is that no matter what you do when your artistic expression you are never ever

allowed to upset the alphabet people

you know who i mean those people that took 20% of alphabet

for themselves

i'd say the letters but i don't want to conjure their anger that's too late now

i'm talking about them ELLs and then B's and them genes and the t's people be

surprised i have friends all kinds of letters everybody loves me and i love

everybody i got friends who else i got friends were bees and i got friends with

geez but the t's hate my fucking guts and i

don't blame them it's not their fault it's mine i can't stop telling jokes

about these things i don't want to write these jokes but i just can't stop

you know you hear all those letters together all the time

LBGT LBGT and you think it's just one big movement it's not all those letters

are their own movement they just travel in the same car

together and my guess is

what is this high school just nigga probably got a babysitter something no

one asked you're phoning just get that shit out of him i'm in the middle of

something important

when every fun if we made fun of for me like i'd he went outside like hello

Mama's dead

as a weird time phone call wasn't it cycles phone is gay

like i was saying

my guess is the Gees are driving that car it makes sense to me cause there's

white men in the Gees and these people are trying to get around discrimination

and oppression hey you know how white dudes are we know these roads in fact we

built these roads the rest of you buckle up we'll get you to where you want to go

so the jeans are just driving the car of course next to the Gees and passenger

seat is the elves everybody likes the elves except for the geez

i don't know what that's about i just

know the Gees don't like them that much the Gees always say like little

subliminal digs on them this is unnecessary shit it's not mean but you

don't mean they just be like i wouldn't wear that the only thing that breaks the

tension between the LS and G's are the B's in the backseat that's right there

you go everybody scream out when you hear your

letter

if it's one thing that the elves and the Gees agree on is that the bees are

fucking gross they seem greedy to the elves in the Gees and i mean this is

sitting in the backseat like yeah man i'll fuck anybody in this car what's

going on and sitting next to the bees all the way in the back seat by

themselves looking out the window that's the tease everybody in the car respects

the tease but everyone also presents the tease it's not the tea's fault but

everyone in the car just feels like the T's are making the trip take long

anything the TSA gets on everybody's nerves and then the t's don't even say

anything bad this is B in the back talking himself i'm hot

shut it shut the fuck up okay roll the window down you bitch i don't know what

she

what Santa was hot can you pull over at the next exit i need to use the restroom

there is not a restroom for you for four states nigga we just shut the fuck up so

we can get where we're going

and just when that car can't get any more intense the queues are hitchhiking

if they picked up on the road some white dude and booty show us is walking on a

freeway

geez ii think i might be one of us hey are you okay be some help and he'd

come up with everything booty shorts leaning on the window

hey what's going on fellas lady whatever pronoun makes you feel comfortable in

the back

yeah i don't really know where i'm going i don't know if i'm gay or i'm straight

or whatever well i know for sure is that dumb i really want to get in this car

and they make him get in and sitting between the B's and the t's i feel bad

for T's but they're so confusing and it's not all my father i feel like they

need to take some responsibility for my jokes cause i didn't come up with this

idea on my own this idea that a person can be born in the wrong body but they

have to admit that this is fucking hilarious predicament it's really

fucking funny if it happened to me laughs wouldn't you that wouldn't be

funny if it happened to me i think it would be what if what if it did what if

i was what if i was Chinese but but born in this nigga body that's not funny

and for the rest of my life i had to go

around making that face Hey

and everyone get mad stop making that face

that's offensive what this is how i feel inside

it's hard not to write these jokes it's

hard not to think about even our wives for everything i think about okay okay

say say LeBron James changed his gender okay can he stay in the NBA or because

he's a woman does he have to go to the WNBA where he will score eight hundred

and forty points a game

what does it actually mean to be equal you know what i mean

banging women are actually equal to men then there would be no WNBA would there

he would just be good enough to play in the NBA with us or here's another idea

that's gonna be very controversial you could shut the fuck up

i'm sorry ladies i just i got a fucking me too headache y'all is killing me

right now it's really fucking tough to watch

what's going on you know ladies i said it in my last special i got a lot of

trouble for this i told you you were right but the way you're going about it

is not going to work but i'm biased i said it louis c.k was a very good friend

of mine before he died in that terrible masturbation accident and it was his

room he read the story he was masturbating in his own room that's what

he's photos of masturbate and they said it hey everybody my pull my dick out

nobody ran for the door and i'm like that they all just kind of hung out like

i wonder if this guy's serious and he came on his own stomach that is what is

the threat have any women have seen a guy that just came on his own stomach

this is the least threatening motherfucker the earth has ever seen all

you see is shaming they're phasing come dripping down like pancake butter

he didn't do anything that you can call the police for i dare to try call the

police on please yes i am i am on the other wine with comedian Louie CK and i

think it's masturbating while i'm on the phone you know the police gonna say in

Atlanta well where do you guys talking about

they ruined this niggas life and now he's coming back playing comedy clubs

and they acting like if he's able to do that that's gonna hurt women what the

fuck is your agenda ladies it is sexism dead no in fact the opposite happened i

said it was gonna get worse and they said i was tone-deaf but eight states

including your state have passed the most stringent anti-abortion laws this

nation has seen since Rosie way i told you i told you i'll be real with you and

i don't nobody gives a fuck what i think anyway

i'm not for abortion oh shut up nigga

i'm not for it but i'm not against it either it all depends on who i get

pregnant

i don't care i don't say right now i don't care what your religious beliefs

are anything if you have a dick you need to shut the fuck up on this one

seriously

this is there's the right to choose is their unequivocal right not only do i

believe they have the right to choose i believe that they should have to consult

anybody except for a physician about how they exercise that right gentlemen that

is fair and ladies to be fair to us i also believe if you decide to have the

baby a man should not have to pay

that's fair if you can kill this motherfucker i can at least abandon them

it's my money my choice

and if i'm wrong then perhaps we're wrong drink that shit out for yourselves

i mean really uh what the fuck are we doing i can't live in this new world

you're proposing and meanwhile i were worrying about all this other shit look

at what's happening they just killed another 12 people in a mass shooting in

Virginia Beach this isn't happening every week it happens so much

i'm almost i don't cannibal i came home early from the road

i had a $12,000 suit on cause i spent going good and i got home early and

dinner was cooking you ever come home when dinner's cooking thinness smell

good and my son saw me and he was like dad's home and he got up from the table

and ran over to give me a hug but he had chicken grease all over his face so i

stiffed on my man oh man watch these threads sons is an expensive suit i

don't want to get to the chicken grease all over me and he was like what the

chicken grease damn this is duck

tear came out of my eyes i never dreamt

i'd do so well in life that i'd raise a nigga with duck grease all over his face

and we sat down we just talked about

everything that was tie my wife about how my shows were going and i told her

my trans jokes and she was like oh i hate that joke you know why she hates

the joke cause she's Asian but you know i mean i don't make that face at the house

unless we're really fighting

enemy heard like arguing but she don't i mean she's just like you need to stop

doing that and then i start to change the subject of how is school going boys

and my sons tell me well we didn't have school today technically like what's

going on he said well there was like a school shooting drill i never heard of

this you know what this is they have drills that they make kids do where they

practice what to do if somebody comes to shoot up their school i've never heard

that what the fuck then i had to tell my son's the truth i

didn't want to tell him this shit son son listen to me fuck that drill

somebody comes to your school and wants to shoot it up i'm just gonna be honest

with you you probably gonna get shot like i'm just being real

you got a famous dad i talk a lot of shit they're gonna be gunning for you

little buddy just stay low and running a zig-zag pattern and don't try to save

anybody son do you understand me

why would you have kids rehearse for some shit they have no control over all

you're doing is training these kids to worry it's the stupidest drill i've ever

heard of and why are you in there training them during these drills

well aren't you training the shooter to the snake is in hell listening and

learning like the other kids sit in the back where we supposed to meet

if your parent this shit is terrifying this shit is real scary all the parents

is looking at each other crazy because we know as parents that one of us is

raising the shooter just don't know which one of us it is all we know for

sure is that if your white parent the chances that it's you

exponentially higher than the rest of us

shooting up schools as a white kids game

it's fucking crazy no i hated school it never occurred to me

he'll everybody in school it's fucking crazy Stu what i didn't try some things

have you skip schooling they just skip school take a walk and meet some other

kids fuck school try a drugs have you tried drugs out meeting my some scary

shit i've given us a lot of thought i don't see any peaceful way to disarm

America's whites

there's only one thing that's gonna save this country from itself same thing it

always saves this country from itself and that is African Americans right and

i know the question that a lot of y'all have in your minds is should we do it

yeah fuck yeah we should do it listen no

matter what they say or how they make you feel remember this is your country

too it is incumbent upon us to save our country and you know what we have the

Duke this is a fucking election year we got to be serious every able-bodied

African American must register for a legal firearm

that's the only way it will change the

law

i hate guns personally i can't stand on yeah but i have several i don't want

them but i feel like i need them don't forget where i live

i live in Ohio and anyone that knows anything about Ohio knows that even the

word Ohio is an old Native American word it means literally land of poor white

people

and i don't know what's going on down here but in my experience poor white

people love and i mean they fucking love heroin they can't seem to get enough of

it i didn't even know what i was looking at at first i was just driving like why

are all these white people so sleepy out of anything

it's really bad and that fact i was

coming out of nightclub the other night and David and i'd park my car in the

alley and no one was out there and had no bodyguards nothing i was home i

figured everything was fine and as soon as i opened my car door all by myself

suddenly one of these heroin-addicted whites just pops out of a trash can it

scared the shit out of my screen and then i realized it was a woman she was

fucked up you hate me in a me and relax okay i'm sick right i need some drugs me

please i'll suck your dick for five dollars me and i was like two

obviously i'm joking this opioid crisis is a crisis i see it

every day it's as bad as they say it's ruining lives it's destroying families

sadly you know what it reminds me of seeing it reminds me of us these white

folks look exactly like us during the crack epidemic you know it's

really crazy to see and all this shit they talked about on the news about how

divided the nation is i don't believe it i feel like mad days we're getting a

real good look at each other here's why because i even have insight into how the

white community must have felt watching the black community go through the

scourge of crack because i don't care either

hang in there whites

just say no what's so hard about that

man when y'all say that to us but it's okay there's no grudges now you finally

got it right once it started happening to your kids you realize it's a health

crisis these people are sick they are not criminals

they are sick be that as it may i'm armed to the teeth first gun i bought

was a 12-gauge shotgun i didn't want the gun remember though i've moved to a farm

and i was sitting there on the porch and i see a white dude walking across my

property entitled like he's supposed to be there he had a rifle over his

shoulder to hit a bitch

i see what the fuck is this guy doing on my property i was mad as shit but i was

unarmed so i ended up just waving to this motherfucker like a bitch

and as soon as he got far enough away i ran to my car and sped to Kmart

this is in a rural white area and remember i was nervous cause if guy was on

my property i'm black and i was sweating know me and i ran to the gun counter

black and sweaty sweating and black and i look like a slave with something i

said i need a gun immediately like that

just like that got it answer no questions you just grabbed a 12-gauge

shotgun handed it to him i never even held a gun before i'm not a

dummy time like well i need some i need some bullets too and the guy reached on

the counter put two bucks shells on the counter he said all right buddy which

box do you want i didn't know one box had pictures some ducks on it

the other box had pictures of some deer i said well what's that box with them

ducks he saw that there's bird shot and then

he goes just like this and not exagerating goes that won't kill a man

they said it'll just pamper them up nicely i said what the fuck

you know what it means the pepper motherfucker up it means that when the

shell explodes hot babies will shoot out of the barrel of the gun not killing

motherfucker but penetrating his skin and shallow flesh boy that's gotta hurt

babies

remember when Dick Cheney shot a motherfucker in the face and he lived

that was birdshot i said well what's that box with the deer on it he goes oh

that bears buckshot i got to put a hole in the goddamn truck if you wanted to so

which box do you want and they picked the one with the deer up and shook

i thought he was trying to trick me i

was like do you have a box with a picture of a white dude trespassing on

it because it's exactly the strength i'm looking for

but i didn't know that if you're defending your home with a shotgun the

formula dictates that you're supposed to buy both boxes this was not a formula

that i was familiar with it goes like this the six shots in 12-gauge shotgun

so when you load the gun you load it like this first shot birdshot next shot

buckshot birdshot and then after that guns Jamaican buckshot buckshot buckshot

she got a picture it okay like say i'm

in bed and sleeping and suddenly my wife wakes me up David David wake up oh look

who's come around and i pull my dick over the top of my pajamas

and she says no i hear something oh this

bitch so i get up out of bed grab the gun i say wait here baby i'll go check

it out just lock the door behind me oh my god she's right

right there in the kitchen is heroin-addicted white and he's digging

through the change job by the door hmm hmm really hard for that change i gotta

do something so first i wrapped the shotgun hey motherfucker

click-clack that's a test that click-clack sound

will stop a rational human being in their tracks but sure enough this person

is not rational that sickle on trucks they're digging into change hmm hmm fast

this thing's almost got a dollar fifty

i warned you birdshot and there goes hot bb's will permeate his yellow heroin

skin remember i'm not killing him i'm just peppering him up nice he lets out a

heroin screen

and that should be the end of it but

uh-oh i miscalculated while he's on the ground screaming i noticed that his

teeth are horribly miss color that's not heroin at all is it that's crystal meth

he pops right back up unscathed

time for the heavy step clap

and then if you got a friend with him i got one more birdshot left and i repeat

the cycle after that bigots slugs for everybody

and i'll be in a kitchen full of dying heroin addicts saying stupid heroin last

words me bro the last words are always the dumbest words like why is your dick

out

i'm just afraid of being attacked happens to the best don't ever forget

what happened to that French actor no i'm talking about juicy smoo a he's a

very French very famous French actor

y'all never heard of juice and smoothie a...

juices Smulian is active in France

and he became famous on a show called Empire

one night he was in Chicago late at night and was the victim

he was the victim of a racist and

homophobic attack you see juicy smooch a is J and he is

black not just French i was a crazy story

apparently when he was walking down the street late at night to white men came

out of the shadows with mag hats alone and beat him up tied a rope around his

neck called him all calves diggers and and put some bleaching on him and ran

off into the night this shit was like international news

and everybody was furious especially in Hollywood it's all over everybody's

Twitter feed and instagram page justice for juicy and all this shit the

whole country was up in arms he's talking about it all the time on the

news and and for some reason African Americans we were like oddly quiet

we were so quiet about the shift that the gay community started accusing

African American community of being homophobic for not supporting them what

they didn't understand is that we were supporting him with our silence

because we understood that this nigga was clearly lying

none of these details added up at all PC walking down the street in Chicago and

white dudes come up to him and say hey man aren't you that faggot nigger from

Empire oh fuck does that sound like how white people

talk no white people they don't talk like that

are you that faggot nigga from Empire they would never say that it sounds like

something that i would say

if you're racist and homophobic you mad even know what as big years you can't

watch Empire black we will never feel sorry for the police but this time we

even felt sorry for the police can you imagine if you was a police veteran

taking this kids police report okay mr. smelly i please tell me what

happened all right 2:00 a.m. he left the house at 2:00 a.m.

is minus 16 degrees you are walking you're walking and where were you going

Subway. sandwiches

that's when the men approached you did you see them you have any okay where

they have on megawhatts Magga head salon in Chicago excuse me one second mr. snow

yeah Frank come in for a second

find out where Kanye was was last night

such a fucking outrageous story he said they put a rope around his neck has

anyone here ever been to Chicago alright alright so you've been it now tell me

how much rope do you remember singing who the fuck is carrying rope like where

did you give mug nigga in 1851 man it was awful

so okay i'm doing a show somewhere and i'm going to stage and i was a little

drunk you know i figure fuck let me talk about that nigger a little bit i figured

to be safe you know everybody's phones are locked up and i went in on this kid

i was talking all kinds of shit now i didn't know that there was a journalist

in the audience and unfortunately for me that motherfucker took impeccable notes

he told everybody everything i said he was even putting the jokes in the

headline the headline said Dave Chappelle says he wants to smash a

dollhouse over juices Louise head

i thought but sure when i read that headline i said well that's it for me

i'm cancelled but lucky for me that very same day the Chicago police caught the

motherfuckers that actually did it and hilariously they were both Nigerian they

were very very black they were Nigerian which is the funny

issue the whole story is funnier now this is mother country you fuck that

nigga

if if you're in a group that i mean fun of then just know that i probably will

only make fun of you if i see myself in you i make fun of poor white people

because i was once poor and i know that the only difference between a poor black

person and a poor white person is that a poor white person feels like it's not

supposed to be happening to them

everything else is the same i know what it's like to have a cold house i wasn't

allowed to touch the thermostat growing up without asking my father and it would

be fucking freezing in the house i'd be like dad please can i please just turn

the heat up to like i don't know 32 nuggets for the cold and my dad would

say just put more clothes on David got all three of my outfits on one nigga

will you look at me i'm freezing up here they say just don't think about how cold

you are David and i said this i didn't say it to him but i said it in front of

him so i could hear i said i fucking hate being poor my dad got really upset

he didn't scream my Howard i was in his way he just threw his newspaper on the

floor and he said David David David you are not poor he said poor is a

mentality who said it's the mentality that very few people ever recover from

don't you forget it son you are broke

he said these are just financial circumstances that i hope to overcome

one day very soon and i said well dad whatever you want to call this it's

wildly uncomfortable there was a big dance coming up at the middle school i

was 12 years old i said dad can i go to the dance he said of course you can go

to the dance i want you to get out and meet some more kids it's great it costs

$3 they ain't come my dad said ooh sorry son i don't have him fuck you don't have

$3

which i found some way out of this he'll do anything to not be poor i will show

Michael Jackson my anus if i get a chance i just gotta get out of this hell

dan said if you want to go to dance bad

enough tell you what there's some money in the change jar get the money from

there i was 12 years old that's right then i showed up to the

dance earlier there's a long line of kids waiting my handle i'm at the door

trying to count out three hundred pennies to get inside i will never

forget this shit as long as i fucking live oh man you know you've been poor

you know what that feels like he was shamed all the time

feels like it's your fault and all them kids was laughing like when i think back

at it that's really the only time in my life that i ever thought to myself i

should kill everybody at school

thank you very much everybody and good night

in the window on the Monday i watch another sex money murder these are the

breaks Diesel's look up in the sky tennis on the way see this on the way

get it on the way motherfucker i got winners on the way you ain't shit

without a buddy who you know you ain't shit

by the way van glorious this is protected by the red the black and the

green at the crossroad with the key city