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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,499 --> 00:00:07,499 [Justin Bieber's All Around the World] 2 00:00:07,834 --> 00:00:10,499 ♪ All around the world 3 00:00:10,959 --> 00:00:12,498 ♪ 4 00:00:12,499 --> 00:00:15,498 (male announcer) This is The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber. 5 00:00:15,499 --> 00:00:19,498 ♪ All around the world people want to be loved ♪ 6 00:00:19,499 --> 00:00:23,498 With your roastmaster, Kevin Hart, 7 00:00:23,499 --> 00:00:26,498 and starring Shaquille O'Neal, 8 00:00:26,499 --> 00:00:30,498 Jeff Ross, 9 00:00:30,499 --> 00:00:32,498 Natasha Leggero, 10 00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:34,498 Chris D'Elia, 11 00:00:34,499 --> 00:00:38,498 Pete Davidson, 12 00:00:38,499 --> 00:00:41,498 Snoop Dogg, 13 00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:45,498 Ludacris, 14 00:00:45,499 --> 00:00:48,498 Martha Stewart, 15 00:00:48,499 --> 00:00:49,498 and Hannibal Buress. 16 00:00:49,499 --> 00:00:54,498 ♪ All around the world people want to be loved ♪ 17 00:00:54,499 --> 00:00:56,498 ♪ 18 00:00:56,499 --> 00:01:02,498 ♪ All around the world they're no different than us ♪ 19 00:01:02,499 --> 00:01:05,499 ♪ 20 00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:09,499 The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber. 21 00:01:11,499 --> 00:01:15,498 And now, please welcome your roastmaster, Kevin Hart. 22 00:01:15,499 --> 00:01:19,498 [cheers and applause] 23 00:01:19,499 --> 00:01:25,499 All right, hey. Y'all better clap. 24 00:01:27,499 --> 00:01:28,498 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, 25 00:01:28,499 --> 00:01:31,498 my name is Kevin Hart, and welcome 26 00:01:31,499 --> 00:01:35,498 to The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber. 27 00:01:35,499 --> 00:01:37,498 Here's the thing, 28 00:01:37,499 --> 00:01:40,498 Justin Bieber has tens of millions of fans. 29 00:01:40,499 --> 00:01:43,498 I mean, most of them are either in middle schools 30 00:01:43,499 --> 00:01:46,498 or standing at least 500 feet away from one. 31 00:01:46,499 --> 00:01:49,498 I mean... 32 00:01:49,499 --> 00:01:51,498 It's the truth. I'm not saying anything that's not the truth. 33 00:01:51,499 --> 00:01:54,084 He's a worldwide superstar. 34 00:01:54,499 --> 00:01:55,498 There's even a wax figure of Justin 35 00:01:55,499 --> 00:01:57,498 at Madame Tussauds in London. 36 00:01:57,499 --> 00:01:59,498 It's incredibly lifelike. I've seen it. 37 00:01:59,499 --> 00:02:01,498 He's face down in a wax Usher's lap. 38 00:02:01,499 --> 00:02:04,498 It's--it's weird. 39 00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:07,498 That's a dick sucking joke. We off to a start. 40 00:02:07,499 --> 00:02:09,498 Yeah. 41 00:02:09,499 --> 00:02:12,498 It's gonna get dirty tonight. 42 00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:14,498 Tonight--Here's the thing. Tonight we're gonna do 43 00:02:14,499 --> 00:02:15,498 what his parents and the legal system 44 00:02:15,499 --> 00:02:18,498 should have done a long time ago. 45 00:02:18,499 --> 00:02:21,498 We're about to give this boy a ass-whupping that he deserves. 46 00:02:21,499 --> 00:02:25,498 We are. We are! 47 00:02:25,499 --> 00:02:27,498 Why invite me if you don't want it to get ugly? 48 00:02:27,499 --> 00:02:28,498 I don't understand that. 49 00:02:28,499 --> 00:02:31,498 I mean, come on, we got the right dais to do it. 50 00:02:31,499 --> 00:02:35,498 We got Ludacris. We got my man Snoop Dogg, Shaq. 51 00:02:35,499 --> 00:02:37,498 This is crazy. 52 00:02:37,499 --> 00:02:39,498 Usually, when I see this many brothers sitting together, 53 00:02:39,499 --> 00:02:41,498 Maury Povich is about to open an envelope. 54 00:02:41,499 --> 00:02:44,498 I've never seen anything like it. 55 00:02:44,499 --> 00:02:46,498 Shaq, take that dumbass look off your face. 56 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:50,499 You look stupid. 57 00:02:52,499 --> 00:02:54,499 Here's my question. Shaq, how did you even 58 00:02:54,834 --> 00:02:57,498 end up on a roast? That's what I want to know. 59 00:02:57,499 --> 00:02:59,498 They must've called up the NBA pregame show 60 00:02:59,499 --> 00:03:03,498 and said, "You know what? Send us the third funniest guy. 61 00:03:03,499 --> 00:03:05,498 "Wait, he's not available? 62 00:03:05,499 --> 00:03:09,498 Send us Shaq. Let us get Shaq then." 63 00:03:09,499 --> 00:03:12,498 My man Snoop Dogg is here. There he is. 64 00:03:12,499 --> 00:03:15,498 Yeah. 65 00:03:15,499 --> 00:03:17,498 Wait, wait, let me clear something up 66 00:03:17,499 --> 00:03:19,498 for all the young people here tonight. 67 00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:23,498 Snoop Dogg is a rapper. 68 00:03:23,499 --> 00:03:25,498 Yeah, that's my aunt's favorite rapper. 69 00:03:25,499 --> 00:03:29,498 You know-- 70 00:03:29,499 --> 00:03:31,498 For all the black people that are confused 71 00:03:31,499 --> 00:03:33,498 about that old white woman on the couch, 72 00:03:33,499 --> 00:03:37,498 that's Martha Stewart. Yeah, right there. 73 00:03:37,499 --> 00:03:40,498 That's Martha Stewart right there. 74 00:03:40,499 --> 00:03:43,498 Martha, do me a favor and put your ankle bracelet on vibrate 75 00:03:43,499 --> 00:03:47,499 so we don't have no problems during the show. 76 00:03:50,499 --> 00:03:51,498 But, Martha, understand something. 77 00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:53,498 Tonight, it's about another blond bitch. 78 00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:54,498 It's about Justin Bieber. 79 00:03:54,499 --> 00:03:57,498 That's who we're talking about tonight. 80 00:03:57,499 --> 00:03:58,498 That's who we're talking about tonight. 81 00:03:58,499 --> 00:03:59,498 So now, why don't we do this. 82 00:03:59,499 --> 00:04:01,498 Why don't we go and take a look at his huge success 83 00:04:01,499 --> 00:04:04,498 that confuses everyone over the age 14. 84 00:04:04,499 --> 00:04:06,498 Roll security footage right now. 85 00:04:06,499 --> 00:04:10,498 Our next guest has a mind-boggling 80 million views 86 00:04:10,499 --> 00:04:12,498 on YouTube, and he's only 15 years old. 87 00:04:12,499 --> 00:04:16,498 ♪ And I was like, baby, baby, baby, oh ♪ 88 00:04:16,499 --> 00:04:19,498 ♪ Like, I thought you'd always be mine ♪ 89 00:04:19,499 --> 00:04:22,498 ♪ I'm gone 90 00:04:22,499 --> 00:04:23,498 That's how you do it. 91 00:04:23,499 --> 00:04:25,498 ♪ Find me somebody to love 92 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:26,498 (female news reporter) Justin Bieber is one of the biggest 93 00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,498 pop stars on the planet. 94 00:04:28,499 --> 00:04:30,498 (Drake) Now I'd like you to welcome my brother to the stage. 95 00:04:30,499 --> 00:04:31,498 He goes by the name of Justin Bieber. 96 00:04:31,499 --> 00:04:33,498 - Justin Bieber. - Justin Bieber. 97 00:04:33,499 --> 00:04:35,498 (Justin) I love you so much. 98 00:04:35,499 --> 00:04:36,498 [police siren blaring] 99 00:04:36,499 --> 00:04:38,498 (female news reporter) Speeding down the 101 freeway, 100 00:04:38,499 --> 00:04:40,498 pop star Justin Bieber was stopped by police. 101 00:04:40,499 --> 00:04:42,498 (male news reporter) The Boyfriend singer had just returned home 102 00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:46,498 from an overseas concert tour when he began racing his Ferrari 103 00:04:46,499 --> 00:04:47,499 through the streets. 104 00:04:48,376 --> 00:04:51,498 ♪ If I was your boyfriend I'd never let you go ♪ 105 00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:54,498 (girl) I think about him 99% of my life. 106 00:04:54,499 --> 00:04:56,498 I saw him in the car. 107 00:04:56,499 --> 00:04:57,498 That was the most amazing moment of my life. 108 00:04:57,499 --> 00:04:58,498 Best moment of my life! 109 00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:01,498 Justin Bieber said that he hoped Anne Frank 110 00:05:01,499 --> 00:05:02,498 would have been a Belieber. 111 00:05:02,499 --> 00:05:04,498 That's right, I didn't make that up. 112 00:05:04,499 --> 00:05:07,498 I couldn't have made that up. 113 00:05:07,499 --> 00:05:10,498 ♪ If I was your boyfriend 114 00:05:10,499 --> 00:05:11,498 Ow. 115 00:05:11,499 --> 00:05:13,498 (female news reporter) Bieber could face battery charges 116 00:05:13,499 --> 00:05:15,498 after a physical altercation with a photographer. 117 00:05:15,499 --> 00:05:16,498 What the [bleep] you say? 118 00:05:16,499 --> 00:05:18,251 (man) You watch it, man. 119 00:05:18,499 --> 00:05:19,498 - What'd you say? (man) You are [indistinct]. 120 00:05:19,499 --> 00:05:20,498 I'll beat the [bleep] out of you. 121 00:05:20,499 --> 00:05:22,498 (male news reporter) He was accused of throwing eggs at this mansion, 122 00:05:22,499 --> 00:05:24,498 causing $20,000 in damage. 123 00:05:24,499 --> 00:05:27,498 Were they Fabergé eggs? What did you throw? 124 00:05:27,499 --> 00:05:28,499 Whoo! 125 00:05:30,499 --> 00:05:32,498 (female news reporter) Bieber is facing multiple charges 126 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,498 after a wild night in Miami Beach. 127 00:05:34,499 --> 00:05:37,498 DUI alcohol or drugs, resisting without violence, 128 00:05:37,499 --> 00:05:39,792 driving with an expired driver's license. 129 00:05:40,499 --> 00:05:41,875 You're too young to be smoking pot 130 00:05:42,499 --> 00:05:45,498 and driving up and down the highway fast! 131 00:05:45,499 --> 00:05:46,498 What are you doing? 132 00:05:46,499 --> 00:05:48,498 - Ah! - What are you doing? 133 00:05:48,499 --> 00:05:50,209 Whoo! 134 00:05:50,499 --> 00:05:52,498 I've done some things that might not have been the greatest. 135 00:05:52,499 --> 00:05:53,498 - Really? Nothing comes to mind. - I know, right? 136 00:05:53,499 --> 00:05:56,499 I don't know what you're talking about. 137 00:05:58,499 --> 00:06:00,498 (man) Justin Bieber has become the new face-- 138 00:06:00,499 --> 00:06:03,499 or should we say body-- of Calvin Klein. 139 00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:08,498 Yo, my pee-pee's in there. 140 00:06:08,499 --> 00:06:12,498 ♪ As long as you love 141 00:06:12,499 --> 00:06:15,498 The fanfare of what he is as a celebrity 142 00:06:15,499 --> 00:06:18,498 is only partial to what he ultimately will be as an artist. 143 00:06:18,499 --> 00:06:20,498 (Justin) This is not the end of Justin Bieber. 144 00:06:20,499 --> 00:06:23,498 ♪ As long as you love me 145 00:06:23,499 --> 00:06:27,498 [cheers and applause] 146 00:06:27,499 --> 00:06:31,498 Tonight--tonight, we're going to talk about redemption. 147 00:06:31,499 --> 00:06:33,498 [gospel organ playing] 148 00:06:33,499 --> 00:06:37,498 We're going to talk about second chances and third chances 149 00:06:37,499 --> 00:06:39,498 and 15th chances. 150 00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:42,498 Sometimes it can be hard to believe, 151 00:06:42,499 --> 00:06:44,499 but I'm not asking you all to believe. 152 00:06:44,709 --> 00:06:49,498 I'm asking you to "beliebe." Yes, yes. 153 00:06:49,499 --> 00:06:51,498 I'm asking you to "beliebe" in a man 154 00:06:51,499 --> 00:06:54,498 with the voice of Stevie Wonder 155 00:06:54,499 --> 00:06:57,499 and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder. 156 00:06:58,499 --> 00:07:03,498 My question to the church is, "Are you ready to beliebe?" 157 00:07:03,499 --> 00:07:05,498 [cheers and applause] 158 00:07:05,499 --> 00:07:07,498 No. No, no, no. 159 00:07:07,499 --> 00:07:09,498 I'll ask again. I said, 160 00:07:09,499 --> 00:07:11,498 "Are you ready to beliebe?" 161 00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:15,498 [crowd cheering] 162 00:07:15,499 --> 00:07:19,498 Are you ready to become Beliebers? 163 00:07:19,499 --> 00:07:20,499 [crowd cheering] 164 00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:24,498 Then, ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber. 165 00:07:24,499 --> 00:07:27,498 [gospel music] 166 00:07:27,499 --> 00:07:31,498 ♪ 167 00:07:31,499 --> 00:07:33,498 (all) ♪ Got to Beliebe (Kevin) Yeah. 168 00:07:33,499 --> 00:07:36,498 ♪ Got to Beliebe He's gonna make a Belieber ♪ 169 00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:38,498 ♪ A Belieber out of me - Yes! 170 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:41,498 ♪ When you Beliebe When you Beliebe ♪ 171 00:07:41,499 --> 00:07:44,498 ♪ You will be down, way down, on your bendin' knee ♪ 172 00:07:44,499 --> 00:07:46,498 ♪ I'm gonna be a Belieber 173 00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:48,498 ♪ Till the day I die (Kevin) Yeah. 174 00:07:48,499 --> 00:07:51,498 ♪ Shout "I beliebe" from the mountain high ♪ 175 00:07:51,499 --> 00:07:52,498 (Kevin) Hey. 176 00:07:52,499 --> 00:07:53,498 ♪ Got to Beliebe. (Kevin) Hey. 177 00:07:53,499 --> 00:07:56,498 ♪ Got to Beliebe He's gonna make a Belieber ♪ 178 00:07:56,499 --> 00:07:58,498 ♪ A Belieber out of me 179 00:07:58,499 --> 00:08:00,498 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. 180 00:08:00,499 --> 00:08:04,498 Oh, shit. We killed the white boy. 181 00:08:04,499 --> 00:08:07,498 The white-- Watch out. Watch out! 182 00:08:07,499 --> 00:08:08,498 Let me through. Jesus, no. 183 00:08:08,499 --> 00:08:09,498 (woman) Oh! 184 00:08:09,499 --> 00:08:12,498 (Kevin) Not like this. 185 00:08:12,499 --> 00:08:14,498 Wait, wait. He's moving! He's moving! 186 00:08:14,499 --> 00:08:16,498 [all cheering] [gospel music] 187 00:08:16,499 --> 00:08:19,498 (all) ♪ He's still alive, We thought he died ♪ 188 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:23,498 ♪ You can't kill Justin Bieber no matter what you try ♪ 189 00:08:23,499 --> 00:08:26,498 ♪ It's time to go on with the show ♪ 190 00:08:26,499 --> 00:08:27,498 ♪ But you got to-- Got to Belie-e-ebe ♪ 191 00:08:27,499 --> 00:08:29,498 Yeah. Come on. 192 00:08:29,499 --> 00:08:37,499 ♪ 193 00:08:40,499 --> 00:08:43,498 Yeah, oh. Justin Bieber, everybody. 194 00:08:43,499 --> 00:08:45,498 [cheers and applause] 195 00:08:45,499 --> 00:08:49,498 (Kevin) Nice. How you doing? 196 00:08:49,499 --> 00:08:50,498 (Kevin) You're good? - Yep. 197 00:08:50,499 --> 00:08:52,498 That's good. I'm glad that you're good. 198 00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:54,498 - All right. - Here's the thing. 199 00:08:54,499 --> 00:08:56,498 Before we get off to any roasting and any digging, 200 00:08:56,499 --> 00:08:57,709 I want everybody to understand this, 201 00:08:58,499 --> 00:09:00,498 Justin Bieber really does have it all. 202 00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:02,498 I'm serious. He has a dick and a pussy. 203 00:09:02,499 --> 00:09:05,498 Justin, stand up. Pop that thing one time. 204 00:09:05,499 --> 00:09:07,498 Show 'em. Give 'em that hermaphrodite twerk 205 00:09:07,499 --> 00:09:09,498 one time. 206 00:09:09,499 --> 00:09:11,498 I've seen it. No? No? 207 00:09:11,499 --> 00:09:14,498 Let's be honest. Justin, you made a few mistakes. 208 00:09:14,499 --> 00:09:17,498 You're not perfect. He's done some things. 209 00:09:17,499 --> 00:09:22,498 Dude, you got caught peeing on a video in a mop bucket. 210 00:09:22,499 --> 00:09:24,498 Why are these idiots who work for you 211 00:09:24,499 --> 00:09:26,498 taping you pissing? That's what I don't understand. 212 00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:28,498 Like, when someone's filming you taking a piss, 213 00:09:28,499 --> 00:09:30,498 if you don't want them to tape you, 214 00:09:30,499 --> 00:09:33,498 you turn around, you say, "Turn the Goddamn camera off," 215 00:09:33,499 --> 00:09:35,498 unless it's mandatory like Snoop pissing 216 00:09:35,499 --> 00:09:38,498 in front of his parole officer. That's different, Snoop. 217 00:09:38,499 --> 00:09:39,498 That guy's got to see your dick. 218 00:09:39,499 --> 00:09:41,498 I get it. Don't worry about it. 219 00:09:41,499 --> 00:09:44,499 That's a criminal joke to Snoop 'cause he's been to jail. 220 00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:49,498 You were on the cover of Men's Health. 221 00:09:49,499 --> 00:09:50,498 He's getting a lot of slack 222 00:09:50,499 --> 00:09:51,498 for taking his shirt off all the time. 223 00:09:51,499 --> 00:09:52,498 I don't get it. I don't understand that. 224 00:09:52,499 --> 00:09:54,498 Justin, let me tell you something, man. 225 00:09:54,499 --> 00:09:56,498 Okay, if you can take your shirt off, you do it. 226 00:09:56,499 --> 00:09:58,498 You do it as much as you Goddamn can. 227 00:09:58,499 --> 00:10:00,498 Seriously. Look at Shaq--Shaq-- 228 00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:03,498 Shaq hasn't taken his shirt off since high school, okay? 229 00:10:03,499 --> 00:10:07,498 That's a true story. That's a true story right there. 230 00:10:07,499 --> 00:10:09,498 Jeff Ross hasn't taken his shirt off since preschool. 231 00:10:09,499 --> 00:10:12,498 True story. 232 00:10:12,499 --> 00:10:15,498 Martha Stewart had her shirt off in my dressing room. 233 00:10:15,499 --> 00:10:19,498 Stop, stop, stop. Don't get the wrong idea. 234 00:10:19,499 --> 00:10:21,498 She just wanted me to titty fuck her! 235 00:10:21,499 --> 00:10:24,498 Yeah! 236 00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:27,498 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Stop. 237 00:10:27,499 --> 00:10:28,499 I'm just trying to loosen y'all up. 238 00:10:29,499 --> 00:10:30,498 I'm sorry. 239 00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:32,498 Martha, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 240 00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:35,498 Is that gonna affect me getting free sheets after this, Martha? 241 00:10:35,499 --> 00:10:36,498 Please. 242 00:10:36,499 --> 00:10:39,498 I messed up my chance of getting free sheets, 243 00:10:39,499 --> 00:10:41,875 Goddamn it, Kevin. 244 00:10:42,499 --> 00:10:43,498 Me personally, I'm not mad. 245 00:10:43,499 --> 00:10:45,498 I'm not mad at Justin. I'm not. 246 00:10:45,499 --> 00:10:46,498 I'm gonna tell you who I'm mad at. 247 00:10:46,499 --> 00:10:48,498 I'm mad at his manager. 248 00:10:48,499 --> 00:10:50,209 You, Scooter. That's right. 249 00:10:50,499 --> 00:10:52,498 Scooter Braun right there. 250 00:10:52,499 --> 00:10:55,498 Scooter is the man that actually discovered Justin Bieber. 251 00:10:55,499 --> 00:10:58,498 Scooter Braun was 25 years old. 252 00:10:58,499 --> 00:11:01,498 He was a single man living in Atlanta alone 253 00:11:01,499 --> 00:11:03,498 when he found Justin Bieber on the Internet 254 00:11:03,499 --> 00:11:08,498 in the middle of the night. The middle of the night! 255 00:11:08,499 --> 00:11:13,498 He found a little white boy with nice hair on the Internet. 256 00:11:13,499 --> 00:11:15,498 Sounds to me like Scooter was fresh off a dick-beating session 257 00:11:15,499 --> 00:11:19,498 if you ask me. 258 00:11:19,499 --> 00:11:21,498 Now, I don't know where Chris Hansen is, 259 00:11:21,499 --> 00:11:23,498 but he missed one. 260 00:11:23,499 --> 00:11:25,498 That's a Goddamn predator if I've ever seen one 261 00:11:25,499 --> 00:11:28,498 right there. 262 00:11:28,499 --> 00:11:30,498 Now, Justin, unfortunately, Selena Gomez, 263 00:11:30,499 --> 00:11:31,498 she couldn't be here tonight. 264 00:11:31,499 --> 00:11:33,498 [audience "awws"] 265 00:11:33,499 --> 00:11:35,498 No, she couldn't. She couldn't... 266 00:11:35,499 --> 00:11:37,498 Just because she didn't want to come. 267 00:11:37,499 --> 00:11:39,498 There's no reason. She just didn't want to-- 268 00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:41,498 She didn't want to be here. 269 00:11:41,499 --> 00:11:45,498 I wish I had something better to tell you, but I don't. 270 00:11:45,499 --> 00:11:48,498 No, Selena got word that there was rumors 271 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,498 of Justin dealing with Kendall Jenner, 272 00:11:50,499 --> 00:11:53,498 and that shocked me. I was like, "What the fuck?" 273 00:11:53,499 --> 00:11:56,498 That's what I said. "What the fuck?" 274 00:11:56,499 --> 00:11:58,251 I was like, "If you're gonna deal with a Jenner, 275 00:11:58,499 --> 00:11:59,498 I thought it would be Bruce." That's what I thought. 276 00:11:59,499 --> 00:12:01,498 If it was-- 277 00:12:01,499 --> 00:12:02,498 Just one. I'm sorry. That's the only one. 278 00:12:02,499 --> 00:12:05,498 I swear to God, guys, no more. 279 00:12:05,499 --> 00:12:06,498 It's no secret that Justin wants to be black. 280 00:12:06,499 --> 00:12:08,498 Can we all agree on that? Justin loves the black culture. 281 00:12:08,499 --> 00:12:10,498 Everybody knows that. 282 00:12:10,499 --> 00:12:12,498 My thing is this, Justin, I just want you 283 00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,498 to come to terms with the fact that you're not gangster. 284 00:12:14,499 --> 00:12:16,498 That's Justin's main problem, man. 285 00:12:16,499 --> 00:12:19,498 You're not a gangster! Accept that. 286 00:12:19,499 --> 00:12:21,498 I mean, come on. Orlando Bloom took a swing 287 00:12:21,499 --> 00:12:24,498 at you. That's not gangster, Justin. 288 00:12:24,499 --> 00:12:26,498 It's not! 289 00:12:26,499 --> 00:12:28,498 He's got a perfume called "Girlfriend." 290 00:12:28,499 --> 00:12:33,498 That's not gangster, Justin. 291 00:12:33,499 --> 00:12:35,498 You threw eggs at a house. 292 00:12:35,499 --> 00:12:36,498 Gangsters don't throw fucking eggs! 293 00:12:36,499 --> 00:12:38,498 Snoop, when the last time you threw eggs 294 00:12:38,499 --> 00:12:41,499 at somebody's Goddamn house? 295 00:12:43,499 --> 00:12:48,498 We don't do that! It's not gangster! 296 00:12:48,499 --> 00:12:52,498 Justin--Justin sang the N-word on a video 297 00:12:52,499 --> 00:12:56,498 in a song that was about killing black people! 298 00:12:56,499 --> 00:12:59,498 That's pretty Goddamn gangster, Justin, I'ma give you that. 299 00:12:59,499 --> 00:13:02,498 That's as gangster as you get right there. 300 00:13:02,499 --> 00:13:03,498 He actually got in a lot of trouble 301 00:13:03,499 --> 00:13:05,498 when he got caught saying the N-word on video. 302 00:13:05,499 --> 00:13:08,498 That right there, that should make you feel stupid. 303 00:13:08,499 --> 00:13:09,498 Reason why I say that, 304 00:13:09,499 --> 00:13:11,498 because you know who didn't get caught, Justin? 305 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:12,498 The billion other white people 306 00:13:12,499 --> 00:13:14,498 that say the N-word every Goddamn day. 307 00:13:14,499 --> 00:13:18,498 I'm talking about you, Martha. I know you say it. 308 00:13:18,499 --> 00:13:20,498 You probably thinking it right now. 309 00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:22,498 "Look at--Look at that little nigger up there 310 00:13:22,499 --> 00:13:27,498 "in his little nigger tux. 311 00:13:27,499 --> 00:13:30,498 "With his little nigger shoes. Look at him, 312 00:13:30,499 --> 00:13:35,498 up there dancing." 313 00:13:35,499 --> 00:13:38,498 Thankfully, Justin avoided the usual-- 314 00:13:38,499 --> 00:13:41,498 I guess you could say, former childhood mistakes. 315 00:13:41,499 --> 00:13:43,498 You know, he hasn't had a sex tape. 316 00:13:43,499 --> 00:13:45,498 That's good for you. 317 00:13:45,499 --> 00:13:49,498 He hasn't killed anyone. You haven't bought a monkey. 318 00:13:49,499 --> 00:13:52,498 Oh, shit, you did. You bought a monkey. 319 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,498 And you abandoned the monkey in Germany. 320 00:13:54,499 --> 00:13:55,498 What the fuck was that? 321 00:13:55,499 --> 00:13:58,498 Like, you abandoned a monkey in Germany. 322 00:13:58,499 --> 00:14:01,498 That was a privileged Beverly Hills monkey. 323 00:14:01,499 --> 00:14:03,498 You showed him your lifestyle, 324 00:14:03,499 --> 00:14:06,498 and then you dropped him off in Germany? 325 00:14:06,499 --> 00:14:08,498 Now that monkey's turned out in a Goddamn German zoo 326 00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:13,498 sucking rhino dick 'cause of your bad decision. 327 00:14:13,499 --> 00:14:14,498 It's not about the monkey tonight. 328 00:14:14,499 --> 00:14:16,498 It's about you, Justin. What I want you to do, 329 00:14:16,499 --> 00:14:17,498 I want you to sit back, relax, 330 00:14:17,499 --> 00:14:19,498 'cause it's gonna be a great night, man-- 331 00:14:19,499 --> 00:14:20,498 Not for you, for everybody else. 332 00:14:20,499 --> 00:14:23,498 We're gonna have a blast. 333 00:14:23,499 --> 00:14:25,498 It's on! You hear me, people? 334 00:14:25,499 --> 00:14:28,498 It is on! 335 00:14:28,499 --> 00:14:30,498 (announcer) Coming up... - Cameras are here, Jay, go! 336 00:14:30,499 --> 00:14:32,498 (announcer) Natasha Leggero... - I'm about to kill it. 337 00:14:32,499 --> 00:14:34,498 (announcer) Pete Davidson, Shaquille O'Neal... 338 00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,498 - Full roast mode, baby. (announcer) Jeff Ross... 339 00:14:36,499 --> 00:14:38,498 - Getting in character. - I'm ready. 340 00:14:38,499 --> 00:14:39,498 (announcer) Chris D'Elia. - Is Ludacris ready 341 00:14:39,499 --> 00:14:42,498 - is what I want to know. - I'm 100% prepared. 342 00:14:42,499 --> 00:14:44,498 (announcer) Hannibal Buress, Martha Stewart, 343 00:14:44,499 --> 00:14:45,498 and Snoop Dogg. - Naughty, naughty, naughty, 344 00:14:45,499 --> 00:14:48,498 naughty. 345 00:14:48,499 --> 00:14:50,499 (announcer) When The Roast of Justin Bieber continues. 346 00:14:52,222 --> 00:14:54,221 [techno music] 347 00:14:54,222 --> 00:14:56,221 Are y'all ready to have a good time tonight? 348 00:14:56,222 --> 00:14:58,221 [cheers and applause] 349 00:14:58,222 --> 00:15:00,221 That's what I want to hear. 350 00:15:00,222 --> 00:15:03,221 Okay, our first roaster is Pete Davidson. 351 00:15:03,222 --> 00:15:06,221 Now, he's the newest member of Saturday Night Live. 352 00:15:06,222 --> 00:15:11,221 This introduction is way longer than his Wikipedia page. 353 00:15:11,222 --> 00:15:16,221 Guy from New York, it's Pete Davidson. 354 00:15:16,222 --> 00:15:19,221 [techno music] 355 00:15:19,222 --> 00:15:23,221 ♪ 356 00:15:23,222 --> 00:15:25,221 Thank you. 357 00:15:25,222 --> 00:15:29,222 It's an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq's dick. 358 00:15:36,222 --> 00:15:40,221 Wow. Wow, Ludacris and Snoop Dogg are here. 359 00:15:40,222 --> 00:15:44,222 If I was 38, I'd be freaking out right now. 360 00:15:49,222 --> 00:15:51,221 Kev, I loved you as black Annie. 361 00:15:51,222 --> 00:15:52,222 He was so good. 362 00:15:58,222 --> 00:16:00,221 Ludacris! 363 00:16:00,222 --> 00:16:03,222 I don't mean you. I mean Jeff's career. 364 00:16:08,222 --> 00:16:10,221 No, no, I mean, I've been watching these roasts 365 00:16:10,222 --> 00:16:13,221 since I was nine, and what's happening to you, Jeff? 366 00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:19,222 You look like someone put Seth Rogen in the microwave. 367 00:16:23,222 --> 00:16:25,221 Martha, it's nice to see you 368 00:16:25,222 --> 00:16:28,221 interacting with black people for the first time since prison. 369 00:16:28,222 --> 00:16:30,221 That's really nice. 370 00:16:30,222 --> 00:16:34,222 Martha's so old, her first period was the Renaissance. 371 00:16:38,222 --> 00:16:40,221 What's up, Ludacris? What's up, man? 372 00:16:40,222 --> 00:16:42,221 You might know Ludacris from your mom's 373 00:16:42,222 --> 00:16:44,222 That's What I Call Music CD. 374 00:16:51,222 --> 00:16:54,222 Come on, let's hear it for Shaq, right? 375 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,221 [cheers and applause] 376 00:16:56,222 --> 00:16:58,221 Thanks for being here and taking a break 377 00:16:58,222 --> 00:17:01,222 from throwing barrels at Super Mario. 378 00:17:11,222 --> 00:17:12,557 [laughs] 379 00:17:13,222 --> 00:17:15,221 I'm sorry. 380 00:17:15,222 --> 00:17:20,221 [laughs] Please don't eat me. 381 00:17:20,222 --> 00:17:24,221 [laughs] I'm so afraid, you're so big. 382 00:17:24,222 --> 00:17:28,221 One of the many nicknames that Shaq has is "Superman," 383 00:17:28,222 --> 00:17:31,221 right, and much like Superman, he pretends to be a reporter 384 00:17:31,222 --> 00:17:34,222 and has never met his real father. 385 00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:39,221 No, no, no, no. Shaq is cool, though. 386 00:17:39,222 --> 00:17:41,221 Shaq has shattered eight backboards 387 00:17:41,222 --> 00:17:45,222 and 79 cervixes. 388 00:17:49,222 --> 00:17:53,221 Hannibal--Hannibal Buress is here, everybody, Hannibal. 389 00:17:53,222 --> 00:17:56,221 Hannibal, of course, is famous for exposing Bill Cosby, right, 390 00:17:56,222 --> 00:18:00,221 and only for exposing Bill Cosby. 391 00:18:00,222 --> 00:18:01,222 No, he deserved it though. 392 00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:04,221 Bill Cosby hurt those women without ever caring 393 00:18:04,222 --> 00:18:06,221 about the consequences-- 394 00:18:06,222 --> 00:18:09,222 that Hannibal Buress would become famous. 395 00:18:12,222 --> 00:18:13,221 Snoop Dogg's here. 396 00:18:13,222 --> 00:18:16,432 Snoop, I love Snoop, you know? 397 00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:18,221 Snoop's son just got accepted 398 00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:21,221 to play division one college football. 399 00:18:21,222 --> 00:18:26,221 Yeah. So Snoop Dogg found out he has a son. 400 00:18:26,222 --> 00:18:28,221 And now speaking of someone who probably doesn't know 401 00:18:28,222 --> 00:18:31,221 he has a son, Justin Bieber is here. 402 00:18:31,222 --> 00:18:32,221 Justin-- Give it up for him. 403 00:18:32,222 --> 00:18:34,222 It really is--it's really so cool what he's doing. 404 00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:39,221 You have no idea how awesome this is. 405 00:18:39,222 --> 00:18:41,221 My cast-mate on SNL, Kate McKinnon, 406 00:18:41,222 --> 00:18:43,221 does a perfect impression of Justin. 407 00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:46,222 Perfect, right down to the clit. 408 00:18:50,222 --> 00:18:52,221 Justin has a lot of tattoos. 409 00:18:52,222 --> 00:18:54,221 You have "patience" tattooed on your neck, 410 00:18:54,222 --> 00:18:57,222 and "this doesn't count" right above his asshole. 411 00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:06,221 No, no, no, but Justin's fucked more models than bulimia. 412 00:19:06,222 --> 00:19:10,222 He's the only thing they swallow and don't throw back up. 413 00:19:11,222 --> 00:19:14,221 Justin, you know, I lost my dad on 9/11, 414 00:19:14,222 --> 00:19:17,221 and I always regretted growing up without a dad, 415 00:19:17,222 --> 00:19:19,221 until I met your dad, Justin. 416 00:19:19,222 --> 00:19:22,222 Now I'm glad mine's dead. 417 00:19:25,222 --> 00:19:27,221 And now for the greatest transition 418 00:19:27,222 --> 00:19:29,221 in the history of comedy, 419 00:19:29,222 --> 00:19:33,221 two people from the movie Soul Plane are here, right? 420 00:19:33,222 --> 00:19:35,221 [cheers and applause] 421 00:19:35,222 --> 00:19:40,221 Kevin, Snoop, Soul Plane was the worst experience of my life 422 00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:43,222 involving a plane. 423 00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:51,221 All right, well-- No, seriously, Justin, 424 00:19:51,222 --> 00:19:52,221 I just want to say how cool it is for you to be doing this. 425 00:19:52,222 --> 00:19:54,221 Like, you're the dude for our generation, like, 426 00:19:54,222 --> 00:19:57,221 and it's just so cool to see someone our age 427 00:19:57,222 --> 00:20:00,221 do exactly what he wants to do, and you just, like, 428 00:20:00,222 --> 00:20:01,221 took over the world, and like, 429 00:20:01,222 --> 00:20:03,221 it really is an inspiration. This kid's fucking insane, 430 00:20:03,222 --> 00:20:05,221 so thank you, bro. 431 00:20:05,222 --> 00:20:07,221 [techno music] 432 00:20:07,222 --> 00:20:08,221 [cheers and applause] 433 00:20:08,222 --> 00:20:09,221 (Pete) I've always wanted to make fun of him 434 00:20:09,222 --> 00:20:11,222 because everybody my age likes him 435 00:20:12,057 --> 00:20:14,221 more than they like me, and that's not okay. 436 00:20:14,222 --> 00:20:17,221 (announcer) Coming up, Natasha Leggero. and Ludacris. 437 00:20:17,222 --> 00:20:20,221 Are you ready? 438 00:20:20,222 --> 00:20:22,222 (announcer) When The Roast of Justin Bieber continues. 439 00:20:24,021 --> 00:20:27,020 [techno music] 440 00:20:27,021 --> 00:20:31,020 ♪ 441 00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:33,020 All right. 442 00:20:33,021 --> 00:20:36,020 Our next roaster is a semi-famous rapper. 443 00:20:36,021 --> 00:20:38,020 I'm talking about Ludacris. 444 00:20:38,021 --> 00:20:41,020 His first album was called Incognegro, 445 00:20:41,021 --> 00:20:44,020 and his new album, Ludaverse, is hopefully his last. 446 00:20:44,021 --> 00:20:47,020 You may not recognize him from the Fast and Furious movies 447 00:20:47,021 --> 00:20:48,020 because when he's on-screen, 448 00:20:48,021 --> 00:20:52,020 even the white people start talking. 449 00:20:52,021 --> 00:20:57,020 Please welcome one of the most successful rappers of 2001, 450 00:20:57,021 --> 00:20:58,020 Ludacris! 451 00:20:58,021 --> 00:20:59,020 [Ludacris' Money Maker] 452 00:20:59,021 --> 00:21:01,020 ♪ Shake your money maker Like somebody about to pay you ♪ 453 00:21:01,021 --> 00:21:02,020 ♪ I see you on my radar 454 00:21:02,021 --> 00:21:04,020 ♪ Don't you act like you afraid of Shh... ♪ 455 00:21:04,021 --> 00:21:06,020 ♪ You know I got it If you want it, come get it ♪ 456 00:21:06,021 --> 00:21:08,020 ♪ Stand next to this money Like hey hey hey ♪ 457 00:21:08,021 --> 00:21:10,020 Oh, man. Whoo. 458 00:21:10,021 --> 00:21:12,020 Make some noise for Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen. 459 00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:14,020 Thank you. 460 00:21:14,021 --> 00:21:16,020 [cheers and applause] 461 00:21:16,021 --> 00:21:19,021 I just recently got married. That's something to celebrate. 462 00:21:22,021 --> 00:21:24,020 And Kevin was at my wedding because I needed 463 00:21:24,021 --> 00:21:26,020 a miniature black man on my cake, 464 00:21:26,021 --> 00:21:29,021 so thank you for that. 465 00:21:31,021 --> 00:21:35,020 My good friend Shaquille O'Neal is here this evening. 466 00:21:35,021 --> 00:21:37,020 [cheers and applause] 467 00:21:37,021 --> 00:21:40,020 Look at those big-ass feet. 468 00:21:40,021 --> 00:21:43,020 Man, you got toes in different area codes right now. 469 00:21:43,021 --> 00:21:46,020 You do realize that, right? 470 00:21:46,021 --> 00:21:49,020 Shaq's fingers are so big, every text he's ever sent 471 00:21:49,021 --> 00:21:50,021 is just every letter of the alphabet 472 00:21:50,856 --> 00:21:54,020 at the same damn time. 473 00:21:54,021 --> 00:21:56,020 I'm just playing, Shaq, you know. 474 00:21:56,021 --> 00:21:58,021 You are truly one of the most original rappers. 475 00:21:59,021 --> 00:22:01,020 And by that I mean, most of your CDs 476 00:22:01,021 --> 00:22:03,020 are still covered in their original wrapper. 477 00:22:03,021 --> 00:22:06,020 You do-- you do know that? 478 00:22:06,021 --> 00:22:09,020 I believe the Doggfather's in the house tonight. 479 00:22:09,021 --> 00:22:14,020 [cheers and applause] 480 00:22:14,021 --> 00:22:17,020 Snoop, your homey Dr. Dre just became a billionaire last year, 481 00:22:17,021 --> 00:22:19,020 and you should be proud. 482 00:22:19,021 --> 00:22:20,020 There's not a lot of black billionaires. 483 00:22:20,021 --> 00:22:21,020 There's Dr. Dre 484 00:22:21,021 --> 00:22:23,020 and the guy that sells you weed. 485 00:22:23,021 --> 00:22:25,021 Yeah. 486 00:22:27,021 --> 00:22:29,020 I mean, you are a legend, which is a nice way of saying, 487 00:22:29,021 --> 00:22:32,020 "You old as fuck." 488 00:22:32,021 --> 00:22:34,020 You only do it doggie style now 489 00:22:34,021 --> 00:22:37,021 because it's easier on your lower back. 490 00:22:39,147 --> 00:22:41,020 I see you over there laughing, Martha Stewart. 491 00:22:41,021 --> 00:22:44,020 What you laughing at, huh? 492 00:22:44,021 --> 00:22:46,020 She's so old, if you look closely at the $100 bill, 493 00:22:46,021 --> 00:22:51,021 you can see Martha photo-bombing Ben Franklin in the background. 494 00:22:52,021 --> 00:22:54,020 So let's get to the kid that I've known 495 00:22:54,021 --> 00:22:57,020 longer than anybody else up here, Mr. Justin Bieber. 496 00:22:57,021 --> 00:23:01,020 [cheers and applause] 497 00:23:01,021 --> 00:23:03,020 He may have just turned 21, but Justin will always be 498 00:23:03,021 --> 00:23:06,020 a baby to me since babies piss everywhere 499 00:23:06,021 --> 00:23:10,020 and never know when to shut the fuck up. 500 00:23:10,021 --> 00:23:12,020 I remember one day, I got this call saying, 501 00:23:12,021 --> 00:23:14,020 "We want you to collaborate with this little dude 502 00:23:14,021 --> 00:23:16,020 who will do anything to get famous," 503 00:23:16,021 --> 00:23:18,020 and I was like, "Great, I love Kevin Hart." 504 00:23:18,021 --> 00:23:24,020 You know? That's my guy. 505 00:23:24,021 --> 00:23:28,020 But this dude turned out to be Justin motherfucking Bieber, 506 00:23:28,021 --> 00:23:31,020 and together we dropped a track called Baby. 507 00:23:31,021 --> 00:23:35,021 [crowd cheering] 508 00:23:36,021 --> 00:23:38,020 It's got over a billion hits on YouTube. 509 00:23:38,021 --> 00:23:41,020 That's because I'm in it. 510 00:23:41,021 --> 00:23:43,020 It also has 4 million dislikes. 511 00:23:43,021 --> 00:23:47,020 That's because he's in it. 512 00:23:47,021 --> 00:23:49,020 It's like you try to roll like a gangster, man, 513 00:23:49,021 --> 00:23:51,020 but you're not tough, Justin. I'm here to let you know, man. 514 00:23:51,021 --> 00:23:55,020 I know you been on Ellen 14 times. 515 00:23:55,021 --> 00:23:57,020 You act so much like a pussy on the show, 516 00:23:57,021 --> 00:24:00,021 Ellen tried to eat you. I mean, come on. 517 00:24:10,021 --> 00:24:11,020 But you've become a music icon 518 00:24:11,021 --> 00:24:14,020 like a modern day Michael Jackson. 519 00:24:14,021 --> 00:24:16,020 The only difference is, as Michael got older, 520 00:24:16,021 --> 00:24:19,020 he acted whiter. 521 00:24:19,021 --> 00:24:22,020 Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad, 522 00:24:22,021 --> 00:24:24,020 he actually has seen Kevin Hart's movies in theaters, 523 00:24:24,021 --> 00:24:28,020 ladies and gentlemen. 524 00:24:28,021 --> 00:24:30,020 Justin, honestly, I feel bad kicking you while you're down, 525 00:24:30,021 --> 00:24:32,020 but since you want to be black, 526 00:24:32,021 --> 00:24:36,020 you might as well get used to it, man. 527 00:24:36,021 --> 00:24:38,020 No, honestly, man, it takes a very brave soul 528 00:24:38,021 --> 00:24:40,020 to get up here, and I just want to say, 529 00:24:40,021 --> 00:24:41,020 I love you, J.B. 530 00:24:41,021 --> 00:24:43,020 I'm glad that you did this. This is a beautiful thing. 531 00:24:43,021 --> 00:24:46,020 Y'all make some noise for my man, Justin Bieber. 532 00:24:46,021 --> 00:24:50,020 [cheers and applause] 533 00:24:50,021 --> 00:24:53,020 [techno music] 534 00:24:53,021 --> 00:24:54,020 ♪ 535 00:24:54,021 --> 00:24:56,021 All right. Hey, how about Ludacris? 536 00:24:56,272 --> 00:25:00,020 Come on, one time. One time. 537 00:25:00,021 --> 00:25:01,020 [cheers and applause] 538 00:25:01,021 --> 00:25:03,020 Everything I know about being a whore 539 00:25:03,021 --> 00:25:04,020 in the entertainment industry, 540 00:25:04,021 --> 00:25:06,020 I learned from this next roaster. 541 00:25:06,021 --> 00:25:10,020 Of course I'm talking about you, Natasha Leggero. 542 00:25:10,021 --> 00:25:14,020 You guys may have seen her on Reno 91 as a whore on drugs. 543 00:25:14,021 --> 00:25:16,020 If you didn't see that, you may have seen her 544 00:25:16,021 --> 00:25:20,020 in Neighbors as a whore on drugs. 545 00:25:20,021 --> 00:25:23,020 Everybody, I want you to pull out some Purell 546 00:25:23,021 --> 00:25:26,020 for Natasha Leggero right now. 547 00:25:26,021 --> 00:25:29,020 [cheers and applause] 548 00:25:29,021 --> 00:25:32,020 [techno music] 549 00:25:32,021 --> 00:25:37,020 ♪ 550 00:25:37,021 --> 00:25:42,021 Kevin, you look like someone put 50 Cent in the dryer. 551 00:25:45,021 --> 00:25:48,020 There is a lot of star power up here. 552 00:25:48,021 --> 00:25:50,020 These men combined have made millions 553 00:25:50,021 --> 00:25:56,020 in child support payments. 554 00:25:56,021 --> 00:25:57,021 Kevin, you are everywhere. 555 00:25:57,064 --> 00:25:59,020 You know, Kevin's actually gonna be on the next season 556 00:25:59,021 --> 00:26:01,020 of Game of Thrones. 557 00:26:01,021 --> 00:26:07,020 He's playing Peter Dinklage's shadow. 558 00:26:07,021 --> 00:26:10,021 [cheers and applause] 559 00:26:12,021 --> 00:26:14,020 Kevin does all of his own stunts. 560 00:26:14,021 --> 00:26:16,020 He climbs into his own chair. 561 00:26:16,021 --> 00:26:20,020 He climbs out of his own bathtub. 562 00:26:20,021 --> 00:26:23,021 He goes up on his wife. 563 00:26:27,021 --> 00:26:30,020 Kevin has a Napoleon complex. 564 00:26:30,021 --> 00:26:33,020 Kevin, Napoleon was the leader of France. 565 00:26:33,021 --> 00:26:36,020 Ludacris, France is in Europe. 566 00:26:36,021 --> 00:26:40,020 Justin, Europe's a continent. 567 00:26:40,021 --> 00:26:44,020 Shaq, a continent is not a free breakfast. 568 00:26:44,021 --> 00:26:47,021 [cheers and applause] 569 00:26:52,021 --> 00:26:53,020 You know, a lot of people don't know this. 570 00:26:53,021 --> 00:26:56,020 "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," 571 00:26:56,021 --> 00:27:00,021 and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding." 572 00:27:06,021 --> 00:27:07,020 Shaq's dick is so big, 573 00:27:07,021 --> 00:27:11,021 he has to use Dropbox to send a dick pic. 574 00:27:16,021 --> 00:27:18,020 When I first met Hannibal, I was like, 575 00:27:18,021 --> 00:27:20,020 "You are going to be a star," 576 00:27:20,021 --> 00:27:22,020 and when I first met Kevin, I was like, 577 00:27:22,021 --> 00:27:23,020 "No, I don't want to buy a candy bar 578 00:27:23,021 --> 00:27:27,021 to support your local after-school program." 579 00:27:29,021 --> 00:27:32,020 Ludacris, not only is your music great, 580 00:27:32,021 --> 00:27:35,021 but I love all your movie. 581 00:27:38,021 --> 00:27:40,020 Jeff Ross, it's great to see you here 582 00:27:40,021 --> 00:27:41,020 once a year at these roasts. 583 00:27:41,021 --> 00:27:44,021 How's the Uber driving going? 584 00:27:48,021 --> 00:27:50,020 Chris D'Elia finally answers the question, 585 00:27:50,021 --> 00:27:55,021 "What if Dane Cook had half the talent and a rich father?" 586 00:28:01,021 --> 00:28:04,020 Sorry, let me just take a second to explain to the black guys 587 00:28:04,021 --> 00:28:07,020 on the dais what a father is. 588 00:28:07,021 --> 00:28:10,020 All right. 589 00:28:10,021 --> 00:28:14,020 I'm excited Snoop's here. 590 00:28:14,021 --> 00:28:18,021 Snoop, you look like Shaq's skeleton. 591 00:28:26,021 --> 00:28:30,020 [cheers and applause] 592 00:28:30,021 --> 00:28:32,020 All these rappers on stage, 593 00:28:32,021 --> 00:28:35,020 and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time. 594 00:28:35,021 --> 00:28:39,020 [cheers and applause] 595 00:28:39,021 --> 00:28:41,020 Now, that's not fair. 596 00:28:41,021 --> 00:28:45,020 Justin Bieber, everybody. 597 00:28:45,021 --> 00:28:47,020 [cheers and applause] 598 00:28:47,021 --> 00:28:51,020 Seems like only yesterday you were discovered on YouTube. 599 00:28:51,021 --> 00:28:54,021 Time flies when you're a piece of shit. 600 00:28:58,021 --> 00:29:00,020 No, Justin's fans are called "Beliebers," 601 00:29:00,021 --> 00:29:02,020 because these days, it's considered 602 00:29:02,021 --> 00:29:06,021 politically incorrect to use the term "retards." 603 00:29:13,021 --> 00:29:14,020 Justin, you've been on Ellen 604 00:29:14,021 --> 00:29:18,021 more than a pussy juice moustache. 605 00:29:24,021 --> 00:29:28,020 Mine was better, Ludacris. 606 00:29:28,021 --> 00:29:30,606 Justin was born to a teenage single mom. 607 00:29:31,021 --> 00:29:32,020 No wonder he's got moves. 608 00:29:32,021 --> 00:29:36,020 He was in the womb dodging a coat hanger. 609 00:29:36,021 --> 00:29:39,020 [crowd groans] 610 00:29:39,021 --> 00:29:42,020 Justin, Selena Gomez had to fuck you. 611 00:29:42,021 --> 00:29:45,020 She is literally the least lucky Selena 612 00:29:45,021 --> 00:29:49,021 in all of entertainment history. 613 00:29:57,021 --> 00:29:59,020 No, Justin, you're so successful. 614 00:29:59,021 --> 00:30:03,020 You're so rich. You're like our beetles. 615 00:30:03,021 --> 00:30:05,020 Not the band, the bugs that live in shit. 616 00:30:05,021 --> 00:30:06,020 So... 617 00:30:06,021 --> 00:30:09,020 Justin, I just want to tell you, I think that you are 618 00:30:09,021 --> 00:30:11,020 well on your way to becoming a handsome, young gentleman, 619 00:30:11,021 --> 00:30:16,020 and I really think that things are gonna get better 620 00:30:16,021 --> 00:30:19,020 after this for you, and thank you for-- 621 00:30:19,021 --> 00:30:21,020 Thank you for letting me be here and do this. 622 00:30:21,021 --> 00:30:23,020 Thank you, Justin Bieber. 623 00:30:23,021 --> 00:30:27,020 [cheers and applause] 624 00:30:27,021 --> 00:30:28,231 (announcer) Still to come... 625 00:30:29,021 --> 00:30:31,020 - Oh! (announcer) Shaquille O'Neal. 626 00:30:31,021 --> 00:30:32,397 These hands are like a junkie's back. 627 00:30:33,021 --> 00:30:34,020 (announcer) Martha Stewart. 628 00:30:34,021 --> 00:30:36,020 I think she's got a few tricks up her sleeve, right? 629 00:30:36,021 --> 00:30:37,020 (announcer) Snoop Dogg. 630 00:30:37,021 --> 00:30:39,020 Stop yelling at me. 631 00:30:39,021 --> 00:30:40,020 (announcer) Hannibal Buress, and Jeff Ross... 632 00:30:40,021 --> 00:30:42,020 God's pissed at you. 633 00:30:42,021 --> 00:30:43,020 Bill Cosby was his favorite comedian. 634 00:30:43,021 --> 00:30:45,020 [laughter] 635 00:30:45,021 --> 00:30:47,021 (announcer) When the Roast of Justin Bieber continues. 636 00:30:49,855 --> 00:30:53,812 [cheers and applause] 637 00:30:55,812 --> 00:30:57,811 First of all, I can't bring out our next roaster 638 00:30:57,812 --> 00:31:00,272 without giving the attention to Natasha Leggero 639 00:31:00,812 --> 00:31:01,811 that she deserves. 640 00:31:01,812 --> 00:31:03,811 Make some noise for that Goddamn woman. 641 00:31:03,812 --> 00:31:07,811 You killed. Killed! 642 00:31:07,812 --> 00:31:11,811 All right, our next roaster is Shaquille O'Neal. 643 00:31:11,812 --> 00:31:13,811 [applause] Yeah, yeah. 644 00:31:13,812 --> 00:31:17,811 He's an NBA legend with a Doctorate of Education, 645 00:31:17,812 --> 00:31:19,812 but you wouldn't know it by the way that he pronounces 646 00:31:20,812 --> 00:31:22,811 "Doctorate of Education." 647 00:31:22,812 --> 00:31:27,811 Everybody, let's get ready to mumble! 648 00:31:27,812 --> 00:31:31,812 It's Shaquille O'Neal. 649 00:31:47,812 --> 00:31:49,812 Thank you, Webster. 650 00:31:52,812 --> 00:31:54,811 Kevin is the only celebrity with a star 651 00:31:54,812 --> 00:31:56,812 on the yellow brick road. 652 00:32:00,812 --> 00:32:02,811 In case you didn't know, I am Shaquille O'Neal. 653 00:32:02,812 --> 00:32:05,811 Shaq Diesel... [whooping] 654 00:32:05,812 --> 00:32:07,811 Superman, Big Aristotle, 655 00:32:07,812 --> 00:32:10,811 Big Cactus, Big Galactus, 656 00:32:10,812 --> 00:32:13,811 and Martha Stewart's baby daddy. 657 00:32:13,812 --> 00:32:15,811 And trust me, 658 00:32:15,812 --> 00:32:17,689 Martha know how to work that motherfucker, 659 00:32:17,812 --> 00:32:19,811 boy, let me tell you. 660 00:32:19,812 --> 00:32:21,811 Once you go Shaq, you never go back. 661 00:32:21,812 --> 00:32:23,812 Ain't that right, Martha? 662 00:32:25,812 --> 00:32:26,811 But I'm not the only baller here tonight. 663 00:32:26,812 --> 00:32:28,811 What's up, Snoop? 664 00:32:28,812 --> 00:32:30,811 How you doing, baby? 665 00:32:30,812 --> 00:32:31,811 Snoop made a reggae album. 666 00:32:31,812 --> 00:32:34,811 If you're a rap fan, you may not have it. 667 00:32:34,812 --> 00:32:37,147 But if you're a reggae fan, 668 00:32:37,812 --> 00:32:39,812 I know you don't fucking have it. 669 00:32:42,812 --> 00:32:45,811 Look at all these scrubs on the stage. 670 00:32:45,812 --> 00:32:47,811 Chris D'Elia, 671 00:32:47,812 --> 00:32:49,811 Hannibal, Natasha, 672 00:32:49,812 --> 00:32:52,811 Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross-- 673 00:32:52,812 --> 00:32:54,811 I haven't seen a more disappointing lineup 674 00:32:54,812 --> 00:32:56,812 since the last Lakers game. 675 00:33:03,812 --> 00:33:05,811 Speaking of the game, 676 00:33:05,812 --> 00:33:10,811 my main man Chris Paul from the Clippers is down there. 677 00:33:10,812 --> 00:33:11,811 Hey, Chris, 678 00:33:11,812 --> 00:33:14,811 way you guys playing, you ain't gonna be getting a ring. 679 00:33:14,812 --> 00:33:16,811 I got four of 'em if you need to borrow one. 680 00:33:16,812 --> 00:33:18,811 (crowd) Oh! 681 00:33:18,812 --> 00:33:20,812 You guys suck. 682 00:33:24,812 --> 00:33:28,811 Jeff, how am I the one who played 19 seasons 683 00:33:28,812 --> 00:33:29,811 and you're the one who looks like 684 00:33:29,812 --> 00:33:33,811 you took 20 years of elbows to the face? 685 00:33:33,812 --> 00:33:36,811 You ugly motherfucker. 686 00:33:36,812 --> 00:33:40,812 Look at Jeff--Jeff got a body like a cafeteria lady. 687 00:33:47,812 --> 00:33:49,811 Now, as many of you know, 688 00:33:49,812 --> 00:33:52,811 I'm a police detective in the city of Miami. 689 00:33:52,812 --> 00:33:55,605 So, Justin, as a police officer of the law, 690 00:33:55,812 --> 00:33:57,811 I'm gonna give it to you straight, 691 00:33:57,812 --> 00:33:59,812 which I know will be a new experience for you. 692 00:34:01,812 --> 00:34:03,811 I got a questions, Justin. 693 00:34:03,812 --> 00:34:06,811 What kind of bitch eggs his neighbor's house? 694 00:34:06,812 --> 00:34:08,811 You caused $20,000 in damages. 695 00:34:08,812 --> 00:34:10,811 Imagine the damage you would have caused 696 00:34:10,812 --> 00:34:12,812 if you threw like a boy. 697 00:34:14,812 --> 00:34:18,811 What are you doing dropping 75 Gs in a Miami strip club? 698 00:34:18,812 --> 00:34:20,811 I heard the DJ play one of your songs, 699 00:34:20,812 --> 00:34:24,812 and the dancers complained their pussies were drying up. 700 00:34:28,812 --> 00:34:30,811 Justin, as a father of six, 701 00:34:30,812 --> 00:34:32,811 you gotta straighten up, son. 702 00:34:32,812 --> 00:34:33,811 You know, last year you were ranked 703 00:34:33,812 --> 00:34:36,811 the fifth most hated person of all time. 704 00:34:36,812 --> 00:34:40,811 Kim Jong-Un didn't even score that low. 705 00:34:40,812 --> 00:34:43,812 And he uses your music to fucking torture people. 706 00:34:46,812 --> 00:34:48,811 But thanks to that music, Justin is worth 707 00:34:48,812 --> 00:34:50,811 over $200 million... 708 00:34:50,812 --> 00:34:53,812 and in prison, four packs of Cools. 709 00:34:56,812 --> 00:34:59,522 Justin got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf. 710 00:34:59,812 --> 00:35:01,811 Why you gotta bring Jesus in your mess? 711 00:35:01,812 --> 00:35:04,812 That man has suffered enough. 712 00:35:07,812 --> 00:35:10,811 Seriously, Justin, I love ya, 713 00:35:10,812 --> 00:35:12,811 you're a platinum recording artist. 714 00:35:12,812 --> 00:35:13,811 Give it up. 715 00:35:13,812 --> 00:35:15,811 [cheers and applause] 716 00:35:15,812 --> 00:35:18,811 You're a model. Give it up. 717 00:35:18,812 --> 00:35:19,811 [cheering] You're a sex symbol. 718 00:35:19,812 --> 00:35:21,811 Give it up. [cheering] 719 00:35:21,812 --> 00:35:23,811 I just wanna say, Justin Timberlake, 720 00:35:23,812 --> 00:35:27,811 I fucking love you. Thank you. 721 00:35:27,812 --> 00:35:30,811 [upbeat music] 722 00:35:30,812 --> 00:35:38,812 ♪ 723 00:35:41,812 --> 00:35:42,811 Shaq's hilarious. 724 00:35:42,812 --> 00:35:45,811 ♪ I'm gonna have Shaq's baby ♪ 725 00:35:45,812 --> 00:35:47,811 (announcer) Still to come on the roast of Justin Bieber, 726 00:35:47,812 --> 00:35:48,811 Martha Stewart... 727 00:35:48,812 --> 00:35:50,811 Actually, this is sort of like doing a roast turkey. 728 00:35:50,812 --> 00:35:51,811 (announcer) And Chris D'Elia. 729 00:35:51,812 --> 00:35:53,811 Actually, I'm up next, so if you're gonna 730 00:35:53,812 --> 00:35:54,812 change the channel, hurry up and do it. 731 00:35:55,063 --> 00:35:57,812 (announcer) When The Roast of Justin Bieber continues. 732 00:36:00,065 --> 00:36:03,021 [cheers and applause] 733 00:36:03,022 --> 00:36:06,021 [techno music] 734 00:36:06,022 --> 00:36:09,021 Our next roaster is Chris D'Elia. 735 00:36:09,022 --> 00:36:12,021 Holy shit, yeah. 736 00:36:12,022 --> 00:36:14,021 I know everybody's excited about this. 737 00:36:14,022 --> 00:36:18,021 If you didn't know, he's a star of the NBC show Undateable, 738 00:36:18,022 --> 00:36:21,021 and Chris's standup is actually unwatchable. 739 00:36:21,022 --> 00:36:24,021 I've seen it. It hurts. 740 00:36:24,022 --> 00:36:26,021 He is Justin Bieber's favorite comic, 741 00:36:26,022 --> 00:36:30,021 which is why he has "duh" in the middle of his name. 742 00:36:30,022 --> 00:36:36,021 Please welcome future rapist Chris "Duh" Elia. 743 00:36:36,022 --> 00:36:37,021 Yeah. 744 00:36:37,022 --> 00:36:40,022 [cheers and applause] 745 00:36:42,022 --> 00:36:44,022 No, seriously, keep it going for the ghost of Chris Tucker, 746 00:36:44,524 --> 00:36:49,021 everybody. 747 00:36:49,022 --> 00:36:51,021 No, Kevin's a good guy, and of course he's here, 748 00:36:51,022 --> 00:36:53,021 because he can't say no to anything. 749 00:36:53,022 --> 00:36:58,021 Last week he hosted an ISIS beheading video on Reddit. 750 00:36:58,022 --> 00:37:01,021 What? What the fuck, man? 751 00:37:01,022 --> 00:37:05,021 What the fuck? 752 00:37:05,022 --> 00:37:06,021 Hey, Shaq. Shaq's here. 753 00:37:06,022 --> 00:37:08,021 People don't realize this, but Shaq, 754 00:37:08,022 --> 00:37:10,021 those "I can't breathe" T-shirts, 755 00:37:10,022 --> 00:37:14,021 they were about Shaq's last season with the Celtics. 756 00:37:14,022 --> 00:37:16,021 Jeff Ross, hey. 757 00:37:16,022 --> 00:37:19,021 How about the fact that if there weren't roasts, 758 00:37:19,022 --> 00:37:23,021 Jeff Ross would work at IKEA? 759 00:37:23,022 --> 00:37:26,021 We all do other things, which is why we're on the roasts. 760 00:37:26,022 --> 00:37:28,021 You're on the roasts because you're on the fucking roasts. 761 00:37:28,022 --> 00:37:30,021 Fuck yeah! 762 00:37:30,022 --> 00:37:33,021 Ludacris, what do you do now anyway, okay? 763 00:37:33,022 --> 00:37:35,021 You were a rapper. You make headphones 764 00:37:35,022 --> 00:37:37,021 that no one listens with. 765 00:37:37,022 --> 00:37:39,021 You make Hennessy that no one drinks. 766 00:37:39,022 --> 00:37:42,022 You're like a human going out of business sale. 767 00:37:44,022 --> 00:37:47,021 Snoop Dogg, what's up? It's cool you're here. 768 00:37:47,022 --> 00:37:51,022 You look like dead Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 769 00:37:53,022 --> 00:37:55,021 Pete, it's really good to see you. 770 00:37:55,022 --> 00:37:59,021 50 Shades of Grey was based on your complexion. 771 00:37:59,022 --> 00:38:03,021 Pete-- [laughs] 772 00:38:03,022 --> 00:38:05,021 Pete is the same race as whatever the fuck The Rock is 773 00:38:05,022 --> 00:38:09,022 and any parking attendant ever. 774 00:38:11,022 --> 00:38:13,065 Justin Bieber, the man here, huh? 775 00:38:14,022 --> 00:38:15,021 Let's hear it. 776 00:38:15,022 --> 00:38:18,021 [cheers and applause] 777 00:38:18,022 --> 00:38:20,021 Why are you here? This is a terrible idea. 778 00:38:20,022 --> 00:38:23,021 You're about to get fucked harder than Orlando Bloom 779 00:38:23,022 --> 00:38:24,021 fucked Selena Gomez. 780 00:38:24,022 --> 00:38:27,022 (audience) Oh! 781 00:38:29,022 --> 00:38:31,021 For a guy worth $200 million, 782 00:38:31,022 --> 00:38:34,022 why do you dress like Sharon Stone in the '90s? 783 00:38:36,022 --> 00:38:39,021 You look like Sisqo fucked Peter Pan 784 00:38:39,022 --> 00:38:42,022 and then got cast on Orange is the New Black. 785 00:38:46,022 --> 00:38:49,021 Baby is the most hated video online, like, statistically 786 00:38:49,022 --> 00:38:50,021 if you check that shit out, okay, 787 00:38:50,022 --> 00:38:54,021 and there are also ISIS videos online, okay? 788 00:38:54,022 --> 00:38:57,021 That means that someone saw a video with a guy screaming, 789 00:38:57,022 --> 00:39:00,021 "Death to America" and sawing someone's head off and thought, 790 00:39:00,022 --> 00:39:02,021 "Nope, still not worse than Bieber featuring Luda 791 00:39:02,022 --> 00:39:04,022 in a bowling alley." 792 00:39:09,022 --> 00:39:10,021 Thank you. 793 00:39:10,022 --> 00:39:13,021 Thank you, guy half my age. 794 00:39:13,022 --> 00:39:15,022 [laughs] 795 00:39:16,022 --> 00:39:17,021 Seriously, man, I'm proud of you. 796 00:39:17,022 --> 00:39:19,021 You have it all. 797 00:39:19,022 --> 00:39:21,021 You literally are a guy who has it all, 798 00:39:21,022 --> 00:39:23,021 except for respect, love, friends, 799 00:39:23,022 --> 00:39:25,022 good parents, and a Grammy. 800 00:39:28,022 --> 00:39:30,021 Thank you. 801 00:39:30,022 --> 00:39:32,021 [techno music] 802 00:39:32,022 --> 00:39:35,022 [cheers and applause] 803 00:39:40,022 --> 00:39:42,021 Chris D'Elia. 804 00:39:42,022 --> 00:39:46,021 Goddamn it, Chris, that was dark. 805 00:39:46,022 --> 00:39:48,021 That was fucking dark. 806 00:39:48,022 --> 00:39:50,021 There was a couple times where I grabbed my shirt 807 00:39:50,022 --> 00:39:53,021 like, "Jesus Christ, Chris." 808 00:39:53,022 --> 00:39:55,021 But we're here. It's good though. 809 00:39:55,022 --> 00:39:58,022 Justin said you were fine. That's all that counts, right? 810 00:40:00,022 --> 00:40:02,021 How am I supposed to laugh after ISIS? 811 00:40:02,022 --> 00:40:03,022 What the fuck? 812 00:40:06,022 --> 00:40:08,021 Our next roaster is Martha Stewart. 813 00:40:08,022 --> 00:40:10,021 Martha. [cheers and applause] 814 00:40:10,022 --> 00:40:14,022 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 815 00:40:14,941 --> 00:40:16,022 At the age of 73, she's the only white woman 816 00:40:17,022 --> 00:40:19,021 with more street cred than Luda and Snoop combined. 817 00:40:19,022 --> 00:40:21,021 True story. 818 00:40:21,022 --> 00:40:24,022 Please welcome five-years-to-life-style guru, 819 00:40:25,022 --> 00:40:26,021 Martha Stewart, everybody. 820 00:40:26,022 --> 00:40:29,022 [cheers and applause] 821 00:40:34,022 --> 00:40:37,021 First of all, thank you, Kevin Hart. 822 00:40:37,022 --> 00:40:38,021 It's really great to be here. 823 00:40:38,022 --> 00:40:40,021 Oh, there you are. 824 00:40:40,022 --> 00:40:42,021 Sitting and listening to you yell your jokes 825 00:40:42,022 --> 00:40:46,021 over the last hour is the hardest time I've ever done. 826 00:40:46,022 --> 00:40:49,021 As we all know, Kevin is one of the biggest movie stars 827 00:40:49,022 --> 00:40:52,021 in the business right now, and he deserves it. 828 00:40:52,022 --> 00:40:54,021 He struggled for years. 829 00:40:54,022 --> 00:40:57,021 When he finally got his first big paycheck, 830 00:40:57,022 --> 00:41:01,021 he spent $150,000 on a watch. 831 00:41:01,022 --> 00:41:04,021 I forget that term for that. 832 00:41:04,022 --> 00:41:06,021 It's not "African-American rich." 833 00:41:06,022 --> 00:41:08,021 It'll come to me. 834 00:41:08,022 --> 00:41:10,022 [cheers and applause] 835 00:41:16,022 --> 00:41:19,021 Justin, you know the word. 836 00:41:19,022 --> 00:41:21,021 I know you're all wondering why I'm here tonight. 837 00:41:21,022 --> 00:41:24,021 It's because Martha Stewart changes people's lives 838 00:41:24,022 --> 00:41:28,021 for the better, like Shaq for instance. 839 00:41:28,022 --> 00:41:32,021 When Shaq bought his house-- Shaq, are you listening? 840 00:41:32,022 --> 00:41:35,021 I was the first person he called. 841 00:41:35,022 --> 00:41:38,021 The house had 13 bedrooms, and I helped convert 8 of them 842 00:41:38,022 --> 00:41:43,021 into refrigerators. 843 00:41:43,022 --> 00:41:46,021 I believe the bedroom is the most important room 844 00:41:46,022 --> 00:41:49,021 in the house, but I don't have to tell you that, Ludacris. 845 00:41:49,022 --> 00:41:52,021 You have three kids with three different women. 846 00:41:52,022 --> 00:41:55,021 May I suggest pulling out sometime, and finishing 847 00:41:55,022 --> 00:42:00,022 on some fine, highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens? 848 00:42:02,022 --> 00:42:05,022 [cheers and applause] 849 00:42:07,022 --> 00:42:09,021 It's nice to see Snoop again. 850 00:42:09,022 --> 00:42:11,021 One of the highest rated episodes on my show, 851 00:42:11,022 --> 00:42:14,021 Martha Stewart Living, was when Snoop and I 852 00:42:14,022 --> 00:42:16,021 made brownies together, 853 00:42:16,022 --> 00:42:19,021 and I've used his recipe ever since. 854 00:42:19,022 --> 00:42:22,021 As a matter of fact, I ate three of them 855 00:42:22,022 --> 00:42:27,021 right before they called and asked me to do this roast. 856 00:42:27,022 --> 00:42:32,021 Snoop, I see that you've been following my beauty regimen. 857 00:42:32,022 --> 00:42:35,021 You would never know that Snoop Dogg is 43 now, 858 00:42:35,022 --> 00:42:38,021 which is three times as long as actual dogs live 859 00:42:38,022 --> 00:42:42,022 and twice as long as most of his friends. 860 00:42:45,022 --> 00:42:48,021 [laughs] 861 00:42:48,022 --> 00:42:50,021 I taught Snoop that the most important thing 862 00:42:50,022 --> 00:42:52,021 in business is diversification. 863 00:42:52,022 --> 00:42:57,021 Besides his music career, Snoop now has produced a porn movie, 864 00:42:57,022 --> 00:43:00,021 and by the way, Natasha, you were great in that, 865 00:43:00,022 --> 00:43:03,021 so I guess that tonight's the second time 866 00:43:03,022 --> 00:43:08,021 you've worked with five black guys. 867 00:43:08,022 --> 00:43:11,021 You know... 868 00:43:11,022 --> 00:43:15,021 I do a lot of gardening, but you are without a doubt 869 00:43:15,022 --> 00:43:20,021 the dirtiest, used up ho I have ever seen. 870 00:43:20,022 --> 00:43:25,021 Natasha, when a woman is as sexually active as you are, 871 00:43:25,022 --> 00:43:28,021 they have to take special care of their body. 872 00:43:28,022 --> 00:43:32,021 I've come up with a douche that no one has ever heard of, 873 00:43:32,022 --> 00:43:36,021 you know, like Chris D'Elia. 874 00:43:36,022 --> 00:43:38,021 And, Hannibal, all night, I've been trying to remember 875 00:43:38,022 --> 00:43:40,021 who you remind me of. 876 00:43:40,022 --> 00:43:42,021 Then it hit me. You look just like 877 00:43:42,022 --> 00:43:46,022 that gingerbread man I left in the oven too long. 878 00:43:53,022 --> 00:43:55,021 Let's get to the reason I'm here tonight, 879 00:43:55,022 --> 00:43:59,021 which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use 880 00:43:59,022 --> 00:44:04,021 when he inevitably ends up in prison. 881 00:44:04,022 --> 00:44:07,021 I've been in lockup, and you wouldn't last a week, 882 00:44:07,022 --> 00:44:08,021 so pay attention. 883 00:44:08,022 --> 00:44:11,021 The first thing you'll need is a shank. 884 00:44:11,022 --> 00:44:14,021 I made mine out of a pintail comb 885 00:44:14,022 --> 00:44:17,021 and a pack of gum. 886 00:44:17,022 --> 00:44:22,021 I'll show you how later. It's so simple. 887 00:44:22,022 --> 00:44:28,021 I found Bubblicious works best, and it's so much fun to say. 888 00:44:28,022 --> 00:44:29,440 You see, when I did my stretch, 889 00:44:30,022 --> 00:44:32,021 all the hood rats on my cellblock 890 00:44:32,022 --> 00:44:35,021 wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart's ass, 891 00:44:35,022 --> 00:44:40,021 so I decided some bitch needed to get got. 892 00:44:40,022 --> 00:44:42,021 I walked into the chow hall, 893 00:44:42,022 --> 00:44:44,021 picked out the biggest bull dyke, 894 00:44:44,022 --> 00:44:47,021 and I stuck her. From then on, 895 00:44:47,022 --> 00:44:52,021 prison was easier than making blueberry scones. 896 00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:55,148 [cheers and applause] 897 00:44:56,022 --> 00:44:59,021 And--[laughs] 898 00:44:59,022 --> 00:45:02,021 And Shaq-- 899 00:45:02,022 --> 00:45:06,022 Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't still hold a grudge. 900 00:45:10,022 --> 00:45:15,021 Justin, before I go, here's my final piece of advice. 901 00:45:15,022 --> 00:45:16,021 You need to settle down, 902 00:45:16,022 --> 00:45:19,021 bring some balance into your life, 903 00:45:19,022 --> 00:45:21,021 find yourself the right gal, 904 00:45:21,022 --> 00:45:22,021 but she'll have to be someone on your level, 905 00:45:22,022 --> 00:45:26,021 someone powerful and famous and rich, 906 00:45:26,022 --> 00:45:28,021 someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge 907 00:45:28,022 --> 00:45:30,021 in the occasional three-way. 908 00:45:30,022 --> 00:45:33,021 I'm talking about a "playa" in the boardroom 909 00:45:33,022 --> 00:45:35,398 and a freak in the bedroom. 910 00:45:36,022 --> 00:45:41,021 So, Justin, my final piece of advice is call me, or-- 911 00:45:41,022 --> 00:45:43,021 [cheers and applause] 912 00:45:43,022 --> 00:45:47,021 Or not. I'm out, bitch. 913 00:45:47,022 --> 00:45:49,021 [techno music] 914 00:45:49,022 --> 00:45:53,021 [cheers and applause] 915 00:45:53,022 --> 00:45:55,021 (announcer) Still to come, Jeff Ross... 916 00:45:55,022 --> 00:45:57,021 Killer. The killer. 917 00:45:57,022 --> 00:45:58,022 (announcer) And Snoop Dogg. 918 00:45:59,022 --> 00:46:00,021 I'm going bodyguard hard, man. 919 00:46:00,022 --> 00:46:02,021 I ain't fixin' to play no games, man. 920 00:46:02,022 --> 00:46:04,522 (announcer) When The Roast of Justin Bieber continues. 921 00:46:05,571 --> 00:46:08,527 [techno music] 922 00:46:08,528 --> 00:46:11,527 All right. Martha Stewart, Goddamn. 923 00:46:11,528 --> 00:46:15,527 [cheers and applause] 924 00:46:15,528 --> 00:46:18,527 Our next roaster is Jeff Ross. 925 00:46:18,528 --> 00:46:21,527 Now... 926 00:46:21,528 --> 00:46:23,527 I actually gave Jeff a role in my movie The Wedding Ringer, 927 00:46:23,528 --> 00:46:25,527 and he doubled the budget because he demanded 928 00:46:25,528 --> 00:46:27,527 to be paid in cake. 929 00:46:27,528 --> 00:46:30,527 Right now, I want everybody to pull out a bucket of fish 930 00:46:30,528 --> 00:46:34,527 for the roastmaster himself, Jeff Ross, everybody. 931 00:46:34,528 --> 00:46:37,528 [cheers and applause] 932 00:46:45,528 --> 00:46:46,904 How cool is this? 933 00:46:47,528 --> 00:46:49,527 Give it up for the Biebs, doing great so far. 934 00:46:49,528 --> 00:46:51,527 [cheers and applause] 935 00:46:51,528 --> 00:46:54,527 Fantastic. This is so fun. 936 00:46:54,528 --> 00:46:56,528 I never roasted somebody with a bedtime before. 937 00:46:59,528 --> 00:47:02,527 I got to give you props, asking us to roast you. 938 00:47:02,528 --> 00:47:04,527 Ballsy move, dude, especially since you haven't 939 00:47:04,528 --> 00:47:07,527 put out an album in three years. 940 00:47:07,528 --> 00:47:09,527 Come on, Biebs, what are you doing with your life? 941 00:47:09,528 --> 00:47:11,527 If you listen closely, you can hear the sound 942 00:47:11,528 --> 00:47:14,528 of One Direction fucking your fans. 943 00:47:17,528 --> 00:47:18,527 A lot of Beliebers are upset 944 00:47:18,528 --> 00:47:21,527 that Justin's never won a Grammy. 945 00:47:21,528 --> 00:47:24,528 Well, there's Martha Stewart. She can be your Grammy. 946 00:47:27,528 --> 00:47:29,527 Martha Stewart's here because Paula Deen 947 00:47:29,528 --> 00:47:32,527 refused to sit with this many black folk. 948 00:47:32,528 --> 00:47:37,528 What is this, the Comedy Central March on Ferguson? 949 00:47:41,528 --> 00:47:46,527 Martha, I want to fuck you so bad. 950 00:47:46,528 --> 00:47:49,528 I bet your pubic hair is 50 shades of gray. 951 00:47:52,863 --> 00:47:55,527 Martha went to prison for dumping worthless stock 952 00:47:55,528 --> 00:47:58,527 for idiot consumers to buy, which reminds me, 953 00:47:58,528 --> 00:48:00,528 Ludacris' new album drops tomorrow. 954 00:48:03,528 --> 00:48:06,527 But enough about Ludacris, let's talk about "food-acris," 955 00:48:06,528 --> 00:48:07,528 Shaquille O'Neal. 956 00:48:09,528 --> 00:48:13,527 Shaq. [growls] 957 00:48:13,528 --> 00:48:15,527 [growls] 958 00:48:15,528 --> 00:48:19,527 Shaq. [growls] 959 00:48:19,528 --> 00:48:23,527 I like to talk to him in his native tongue. 960 00:48:23,528 --> 00:48:25,527 Shaq was the original 2 Chainz, 961 00:48:25,528 --> 00:48:28,528 'cause that's how he was brought into this country. 962 00:48:35,528 --> 00:48:39,528 Shaq's dick is so big, he uses it as a selfie stick. 963 00:48:43,528 --> 00:48:44,527 Love you, Kev. You're doing 964 00:48:44,528 --> 00:48:46,527 a hell of a job as the host tonight, man. 965 00:48:46,528 --> 00:48:49,527 I really appreciate how funny you are. 966 00:48:49,528 --> 00:48:50,527 I really do. 967 00:48:50,528 --> 00:48:53,527 [cheers and applause] 968 00:48:53,528 --> 00:48:56,527 Kevin's a big star now, but he doesn't need private jets 969 00:48:56,528 --> 00:49:00,528 'cause he likes to be shot out of a cannon. 970 00:49:00,904 --> 00:49:03,527 Kev, we've been friends a long time. 971 00:49:03,528 --> 00:49:04,527 I want to congratulate you. 972 00:49:04,528 --> 00:49:07,527 I hear your girlfriend recently got down on one knee 973 00:49:07,528 --> 00:49:09,238 so you could propose, and-- 974 00:49:11,528 --> 00:49:13,528 How do y'all make love, puppy style? 975 00:49:17,528 --> 00:49:19,527 Chris D'Elia's here. Chris, how you doing, man? 976 00:49:19,528 --> 00:49:21,527 Chris is here because he's 977 00:49:21,528 --> 00:49:23,527 Justin Bieber's favorite comedian. 978 00:49:23,528 --> 00:49:27,527 Wow, what an endorsement. 979 00:49:27,528 --> 00:49:30,528 That's like being Shaq's favorite poet. 980 00:49:35,528 --> 00:49:37,527 [laughs] 981 00:49:37,528 --> 00:49:42,238 Snoop, love you, buddy. Love you, man, so much. 982 00:49:42,528 --> 00:49:45,528 You look like a retired WNBA player. 983 00:49:50,528 --> 00:49:53,527 The only person that's inhaled more smoke than Snoop 984 00:49:53,528 --> 00:49:57,528 is Pete Davidson's dad inside the World Trade Center. 985 00:49:58,528 --> 00:50:01,527 Thanks, Pete. I'm sorry, Shaq. 986 00:50:01,528 --> 00:50:05,528 I know that was your favorite building to climb. 987 00:50:08,528 --> 00:50:10,527 Shaq, [growls] Never forget. 988 00:50:10,528 --> 00:50:11,528 [growls] 989 00:50:15,528 --> 00:50:17,527 Oh, this is so much fun. 990 00:50:17,528 --> 00:50:19,527 I gotta give a shout-out to one of my favorite people ever, 991 00:50:19,528 --> 00:50:21,527 Dave Chappelle over there. What's up, dude? 992 00:50:21,528 --> 00:50:24,527 Don't be scared. Watching the roast. 993 00:50:24,528 --> 00:50:27,527 Super big comedy fan, my friend. 994 00:50:27,528 --> 00:50:30,527 [loud cheering] One of the greats. 995 00:50:30,528 --> 00:50:32,527 Love you, buddy. 996 00:50:32,528 --> 00:50:34,527 Thank you for flying in from South Africa 997 00:50:34,528 --> 00:50:36,528 to be with us tonight. 998 00:50:38,528 --> 00:50:40,527 Justin, I feel like I'm roasting you 999 00:50:40,528 --> 00:50:42,527 for the entire world tonight. 1000 00:50:42,528 --> 00:50:45,527 The roast fans really want blood this time, 1001 00:50:45,528 --> 00:50:46,527 even though most of your fans 1002 00:50:46,528 --> 00:50:49,528 haven't even gotten their periods yet. 1003 00:50:50,280 --> 00:50:53,405 But if you can take a joke, then so can the Beliebers 1004 00:50:53,528 --> 00:50:54,527 watching tonight, because face it, Biebs, 1005 00:50:54,528 --> 00:50:58,527 you've become a cocky little shit. 1006 00:50:58,528 --> 00:51:01,527 You are the King Joffrey of pop. 1007 00:51:01,528 --> 00:51:04,528 [cheers and applause] 1008 00:51:07,528 --> 00:51:10,528 What's your rap name, Feminem? 1009 00:51:12,528 --> 00:51:16,528 Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she's dating men now. 1010 00:51:19,528 --> 00:51:21,527 Is it true you dumped her because she grew a moustache 1011 00:51:21,528 --> 00:51:24,321 before you? 1012 00:51:24,528 --> 00:51:28,488 That's right, Selena Gomez used to bang this guy, 1013 00:51:28,528 --> 00:51:30,527 proving once again that Mexicans will do 1014 00:51:30,528 --> 00:51:34,527 the disgusting jobs Americans just won't do. 1015 00:51:34,528 --> 00:51:39,528 U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-- 1016 00:51:41,528 --> 00:51:43,527 Now there are rumors going around 1017 00:51:43,528 --> 00:51:45,527 you might have been dating Kendall Jenner. 1018 00:51:45,528 --> 00:51:47,527 Hi, Kendall. How you doing, doll? 1019 00:51:47,528 --> 00:51:50,527 You having fun? That's good. 1020 00:51:50,528 --> 00:51:53,528 What dating site did you two meet on, O-K Stupid? 1021 00:51:56,528 --> 00:52:00,528 Anyway, Biebs, you have such a huge career behind you. 1022 00:52:05,528 --> 00:52:06,527 But lately, a lot of people have been pointing 1023 00:52:06,528 --> 00:52:08,527 their fingers at you, 1024 00:52:08,528 --> 00:52:10,527 and those are just lesbians showing the barber 1025 00:52:10,528 --> 00:52:12,528 how they want their hair cut. 1026 00:52:16,528 --> 00:52:18,527 Even when you went to Anne Frank's house, 1027 00:52:18,528 --> 00:52:21,527 there were fans waiting for you outside. 1028 00:52:21,528 --> 00:52:22,527 I wish they were the same people 1029 00:52:22,528 --> 00:52:25,528 that were waiting for Anne Frank. 1030 00:52:26,528 --> 00:52:28,527 Oh, come on! 1031 00:52:28,528 --> 00:52:29,527 You said Anne Frank would've been a Bieblier. 1032 00:52:29,528 --> 00:52:31,527 If Anne Frank heard your music, 1033 00:52:31,528 --> 00:52:33,528 she would've Ubered to Auschwitz. 1034 00:52:40,528 --> 00:52:42,527 And, Biebs, we've all seen your sexy underwear commercials, 1035 00:52:42,528 --> 00:52:44,527 and don't worry, you're not the first youngster 1036 00:52:44,528 --> 00:52:48,528 to have Calvin Klein wedged in your asshole. 1037 00:52:50,528 --> 00:52:51,821 But you know what? 1038 00:52:52,528 --> 00:52:54,527 The best part about taking Justin from behind 1039 00:52:54,528 --> 00:52:56,527 is that you can shave half his head 1040 00:52:56,528 --> 00:52:58,528 and pretend it's Miley Cyrus. 1041 00:53:01,528 --> 00:53:04,527 You like that one? 1042 00:53:04,528 --> 00:53:05,527 Justin's ass is like a movie ticket, 1043 00:53:05,528 --> 00:53:08,527 'cause it was ripped apart by an "usher." 1044 00:53:08,528 --> 00:53:10,528 [audience groans] 1045 00:53:12,528 --> 00:53:15,527 And as you sat here taking it like a man tonight, 1046 00:53:15,528 --> 00:53:17,527 you were probably thinking that none of us know 1047 00:53:17,528 --> 00:53:19,527 what we're talking about, 'cause you're gonna fly 1048 00:53:19,528 --> 00:53:22,527 out of here on a private jet full of cash and models, 1049 00:53:22,528 --> 00:53:24,821 and we'll all be trying to finger-bang Martha Stewart 1050 00:53:25,528 --> 00:53:26,528 at the afterparty. 1051 00:53:29,528 --> 00:53:30,527 And you know what, Biebs, you're right. 1052 00:53:30,528 --> 00:53:34,527 You're young, you're talented, you're famous, 1053 00:53:34,528 --> 00:53:36,527 and that can be a lot of pressure, 1054 00:53:36,528 --> 00:53:39,527 but you're a smart man with a good heart, 1055 00:53:39,528 --> 00:53:41,527 and I know you'll never end up 1056 00:53:41,528 --> 00:53:45,527 like Kurt Cobain or Amy Winehouse... 1057 00:53:45,528 --> 00:53:48,527 respected. 1058 00:53:48,528 --> 00:53:50,527 Happy birthday, buddy. 1059 00:53:50,528 --> 00:53:53,527 [techno music] 1060 00:53:53,528 --> 00:53:54,527 Good show, buddy. 1061 00:53:54,528 --> 00:53:57,527 (announcer) Coming up...Snoop Dogg... 1062 00:53:57,528 --> 00:53:59,527 - Hannibal Buress. - I hate everybody. 1063 00:53:59,528 --> 00:54:01,527 (announcer) And Justin Bieber 1064 00:54:01,528 --> 00:54:04,528 when the Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber continues. 1065 00:54:10,574 --> 00:54:13,573 [techno music] 1066 00:54:13,574 --> 00:54:14,573 [cheers and applause] 1067 00:54:14,574 --> 00:54:16,573 Are we having a good time tonight? Yes? 1068 00:54:16,574 --> 00:54:18,573 [cheers and applause] 1069 00:54:18,574 --> 00:54:22,573 Our next roaster is Snoop. Yeah, he's here. 1070 00:54:22,574 --> 00:54:24,573 Yeah. Yeah. 1071 00:54:24,574 --> 00:54:29,573 You know, Snoop used to call himself the "D-O-double-G." 1072 00:54:29,574 --> 00:54:31,573 That's right, The Dogg. 1073 00:54:31,574 --> 00:54:33,573 Right, Snoop? 1074 00:54:33,574 --> 00:54:34,573 Back in the day, the reason why he called himself The Dogg. 1075 00:54:34,574 --> 00:54:36,573 is because he was a dog with the ladies. 1076 00:54:36,574 --> 00:54:37,573 It's true. 1077 00:54:37,574 --> 00:54:40,573 Now he's called The Dogg because he sleeps all day 1078 00:54:40,574 --> 00:54:42,573 in a sun spot on the living room floor. 1079 00:54:42,574 --> 00:54:45,573 Isn't that true? That's true, Snoop. 1080 00:54:45,574 --> 00:54:47,573 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise 1081 00:54:47,574 --> 00:54:49,573 for Snoop Dogg right now. 1082 00:54:49,574 --> 00:54:50,573 [Snoop Dogg's Peaches 'N Cream] 1083 00:54:50,574 --> 00:54:52,574 ♪ That's that look all on her face ♪ 1084 00:54:53,201 --> 00:54:57,573 ♪ Shorty dancing like she knows She's the baddest in the place ♪ 1085 00:54:57,574 --> 00:54:58,573 Kevin, you look good tonight, dog. 1086 00:54:58,574 --> 00:55:01,574 Some real shit, nephew. You look real good. 1087 00:55:04,574 --> 00:55:06,573 I didn't know the Muppets made 1088 00:55:06,574 --> 00:55:10,573 motherfucking clothes for a nigger though. 1089 00:55:10,574 --> 00:55:12,573 Yes, sir. Now, look, 1090 00:55:12,574 --> 00:55:16,573 Kevin's from Philadelphia, right, just like Bill Cosby. 1091 00:55:16,574 --> 00:55:18,573 And just like Bill Cosby, 1092 00:55:18,574 --> 00:55:22,573 women can't tell when Kevin's inside of them. 1093 00:55:22,574 --> 00:55:26,573 [crowd groans] 1094 00:55:26,574 --> 00:55:28,573 Yeah. I don't need no warm-up. 1095 00:55:28,574 --> 00:55:32,409 I've been smoking and drinking. I feel real good about myself. 1096 00:55:32,574 --> 00:55:33,573 [cheers and applause] 1097 00:55:33,574 --> 00:55:38,573 Yes, sir. 1098 00:55:38,574 --> 00:55:41,573 Now, check this out, I done a whole bunch of roasts, right, 1099 00:55:41,574 --> 00:55:45,573 but they never let a real player on stage with me until tonight. 1100 00:55:45,574 --> 00:55:49,573 We got Ludacris in the motherfucking house. 1101 00:55:49,574 --> 00:55:52,573 Luda. Luda! 1102 00:55:52,574 --> 00:55:55,573 I love that song of yours where you said, 1103 00:55:55,574 --> 00:55:58,573 ♪ If you a pimp and you know it You don't love them hos ♪ 1104 00:55:58,574 --> 00:56:01,573 That shit was tight. 1105 00:56:01,574 --> 00:56:04,573 But you know who else said that that was tight? 1106 00:56:04,574 --> 00:56:05,573 Me, 15 years before you did it, 1107 00:56:05,574 --> 00:56:10,573 nigger, stop biting my shit. 1108 00:56:10,574 --> 00:56:15,573 But here's one of Ludacris' original rhymes. 1109 00:56:15,574 --> 00:56:18,573 "There's hos in the room. There's hos in the car. 1110 00:56:18,574 --> 00:56:23,573 There's hos on the stage. There's hos by the bar." 1111 00:56:23,574 --> 00:56:26,574 Nigger, are you a rapper or Dr. Seuss? 1112 00:56:33,574 --> 00:56:37,573 Now, this little bitty fine little... 1113 00:56:37,574 --> 00:56:41,573 Natasha Leggero. 1114 00:56:41,574 --> 00:56:43,573 Is that how you say it, "Leg-gero"? 1115 00:56:43,574 --> 00:56:45,573 - No, but that's okay. - Le-ghetto. 1116 00:56:45,574 --> 00:56:47,573 That's how we say it. 1117 00:56:47,574 --> 00:56:51,573 I seen how you was looking at me though, right? 1118 00:56:51,574 --> 00:56:52,573 What I want to know is 1119 00:56:52,574 --> 00:56:58,573 have you ever sucked a black dick before? 1120 00:56:58,574 --> 00:57:00,573 Hey, I'm going off script right now. 1121 00:57:00,574 --> 00:57:03,573 I just really want to know. 1122 00:57:03,574 --> 00:57:04,573 Hey. 1123 00:57:04,574 --> 00:57:06,573 Hey, something about this pimping, man. 1124 00:57:06,574 --> 00:57:07,573 You understand me? When I'm pimping, man, 1125 00:57:07,574 --> 00:57:11,573 that shit just go every direction. 1126 00:57:11,574 --> 00:57:16,573 But let me talk about my homeboy right here, Shaquille O'Neal. 1127 00:57:16,574 --> 00:57:18,573 Shaq Daddy. 1128 00:57:18,574 --> 00:57:22,573 I always say that Shaq is the greatest Laker of all time, 1129 00:57:22,574 --> 00:57:26,574 unless I'm chilling with Kobe Bryant. 1130 00:57:26,658 --> 00:57:29,574 Ohhh! 1131 00:57:37,574 --> 00:57:41,574 Y'all got to excuse my little retarded cousin right there. 1132 00:57:45,574 --> 00:57:46,573 Somebody get his little helmet 1133 00:57:46,574 --> 00:57:50,573 and get that little yellow bus around the side. 1134 00:57:50,574 --> 00:57:52,574 Hannibal Buress. 1135 00:57:53,574 --> 00:57:57,574 You the only Bill Cosby accuser making money off of it. 1136 00:58:00,574 --> 00:58:04,573 Now, Jeff Ross, check this out, Jeff. 1137 00:58:04,574 --> 00:58:08,573 Now, see, Jeff is what you call a throwback, 1138 00:58:08,574 --> 00:58:09,573 because his face looks like something 1139 00:58:09,574 --> 00:58:13,573 that you could have a hook in it. 1140 00:58:13,574 --> 00:58:17,573 That's right, that's a fishing joke. 1141 00:58:17,574 --> 00:58:20,573 I fish, motherfucker. 1142 00:58:20,574 --> 00:58:22,573 [cheers and applause] 1143 00:58:22,574 --> 00:58:23,573 Yeah, dog! 1144 00:58:23,574 --> 00:58:25,573 Now that I've done said what I needed to say 1145 00:58:25,574 --> 00:58:28,573 about all the rest of these hos and bitches up on the stage, 1146 00:58:28,574 --> 00:58:30,573 it's time to talk about the bitch of the hour, 1147 00:58:30,574 --> 00:58:33,658 Justin "Leave it to" Bieber. 1148 00:58:34,574 --> 00:58:35,573 [cheers and applause] 1149 00:58:35,574 --> 00:58:38,573 Justin's life changed when Usher heard one of his songs 1150 00:58:38,574 --> 00:58:41,573 and liked it, which only goes to prove 1151 00:58:41,574 --> 00:58:45,573 that Usher ain't black. 1152 00:58:45,574 --> 00:58:48,573 Now, Justin, you released 1153 00:58:48,574 --> 00:58:51,573 so many horrible and unwatchable videos, 1154 00:58:51,574 --> 00:58:54,573 you should change your name to Vanilla ISIS. 1155 00:58:54,574 --> 00:58:56,573 [crowd groans] 1156 00:58:56,574 --> 00:58:57,573 No, no, no. Real shit though. 1157 00:58:57,574 --> 00:58:59,573 - Oh, shit. - Real shit. 1158 00:58:59,574 --> 00:59:00,573 This is my nigger right here, nigger. 1159 00:59:00,574 --> 00:59:02,573 Hold on, nigger, this my nigger. 1160 00:59:02,574 --> 00:59:04,573 Nigger, this my nigger. 1161 00:59:04,574 --> 00:59:05,573 Nigger, you had your shot, nigger. 1162 00:59:05,574 --> 00:59:08,573 This is my nigger right here, nigger. 1163 00:59:08,574 --> 00:59:09,573 Nigger. 1164 00:59:09,574 --> 00:59:15,573 Goddamn, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger. 1165 00:59:15,574 --> 00:59:18,573 Now, most niggers, like myself, 1166 00:59:18,574 --> 00:59:21,573 we go a little crazy when we get famous. 1167 00:59:21,574 --> 00:59:25,573 Buy some dope cars, fuck some bad bitches, 1168 00:59:25,574 --> 00:59:29,573 but, nigger, you bought a monkey. 1169 00:59:29,574 --> 00:59:33,573 I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed 1170 00:59:33,574 --> 00:59:38,573 than the one that started the AIDS epidemic. 1171 00:59:38,574 --> 00:59:40,573 Now, when J-Bird got arrested, 1172 00:59:40,574 --> 00:59:43,573 he had a big smile in his mug shot. 1173 00:59:43,574 --> 00:59:49,573 Not because he gangster, because he knows what goes on in jail. 1174 00:59:49,574 --> 00:59:53,573 Now, Justin, you so motherfucking pretty, 1175 00:59:53,574 --> 00:59:56,573 when the inmates saw your mug shot, 1176 00:59:56,574 --> 00:59:59,573 they swiped right. 1177 00:59:59,574 --> 01:00:01,573 Let me say this to you, J.B. 1178 01:00:01,574 --> 01:00:06,573 Justin Bieber, D-M-B, "damn near black." 1179 01:00:06,574 --> 01:00:09,574 Now see, black people, we normally hate when white people 1180 01:00:10,574 --> 01:00:12,573 try to steal our culture and be like us, 1181 01:00:12,574 --> 01:00:15,573 minus the discrimination, police brutality, 1182 01:00:15,574 --> 01:00:16,784 and the marching and shit. 1183 01:00:17,574 --> 01:00:19,573 That was until Justin Bieber came along. 1184 01:00:19,574 --> 01:00:21,573 We don't mind him smoking weed in public 1185 01:00:21,574 --> 01:00:24,573 while sagging in the club, pissing in the mop bucket, 1186 01:00:24,574 --> 01:00:26,573 drunk driving, living in a mansion 1187 01:00:26,574 --> 01:00:28,573 while playing loud music and hating the neighbors 1188 01:00:28,574 --> 01:00:30,573 for not welcoming change. 1189 01:00:30,574 --> 01:00:33,573 Welcome to the family, my nigger. 1190 01:00:33,574 --> 01:00:37,573 [cheers and applause] ♪ She 'bout to go in 1191 01:00:37,574 --> 01:00:42,573 ♪ She likes that low end 1192 01:00:42,574 --> 01:00:43,573 ♪ Damn, her ass is so big 1193 01:00:43,574 --> 01:00:46,573 That was Snoop Dogg, everybody. 1194 01:00:46,574 --> 01:00:49,573 I just want to--You know, I just want to take a second right now 1195 01:00:49,574 --> 01:00:51,573 to speak on behalf of all the black people. 1196 01:00:51,574 --> 01:00:53,573 I don't--I don't know how many niggers 1197 01:00:53,574 --> 01:00:55,573 we were allowed to say in this show, 1198 01:00:55,574 --> 01:00:59,573 but I think--I definitely think Snoop used them all. 1199 01:00:59,574 --> 01:01:02,573 Like, we're done. Like, we're done. 1200 01:01:02,574 --> 01:01:06,573 Like, dude, we had, like, ten. They gave us ten. 1201 01:01:06,574 --> 01:01:08,573 You used them all, and then you blamed us. 1202 01:01:08,574 --> 01:01:10,573 You was like, "Yo, they got us drinking and smoking." 1203 01:01:10,574 --> 01:01:13,573 No, we don't. That's you. 1204 01:01:13,574 --> 01:01:15,573 It's just you. You. 1205 01:01:15,574 --> 01:01:18,573 You did that. Don't do that to us. 1206 01:01:18,574 --> 01:01:22,573 I want Snoop removed. 1207 01:01:22,574 --> 01:01:24,573 Like, if this was the block, I would snitch. 1208 01:01:24,574 --> 01:01:28,573 It was him. He did it. 1209 01:01:28,574 --> 01:01:29,573 He said we all doing drugs. 1210 01:01:29,574 --> 01:01:31,573 We drinking and smoking back there. 1211 01:01:31,574 --> 01:01:34,573 No, we're not. It's just you! 1212 01:01:34,574 --> 01:01:37,573 Fuck you. Fuck you, Snoop. 1213 01:01:37,574 --> 01:01:40,573 I didn't do nothing. 1214 01:01:40,574 --> 01:01:42,573 You tried to ruin me tonight, you son of a bitch. 1215 01:01:42,574 --> 01:01:45,573 You tried to--You tried to make it a group black thing. 1216 01:01:45,574 --> 01:01:46,573 That's what you tried to do. 1217 01:01:46,574 --> 01:01:48,573 "All us niggers up here." 1218 01:01:48,574 --> 01:01:53,658 No, it's not. No, it's not. 1219 01:01:54,574 --> 01:01:57,573 [techno music] 1220 01:01:57,574 --> 01:01:58,573 She's worried about her lipstick. 1221 01:01:58,574 --> 01:02:00,573 - Let me-- - Shut up. 1222 01:02:00,574 --> 01:02:01,573 - Let me check it out for her. - [laughing] 1223 01:02:01,574 --> 01:02:03,573 (announcer) Still to come: Justin Bieber, 1224 01:02:03,574 --> 01:02:04,573 and Hannibal Buress. 1225 01:02:04,574 --> 01:02:05,573 You're getting it. Brrr! 1226 01:02:05,574 --> 01:02:07,573 (announcer) When the Comedy Central Roast 1227 01:02:07,574 --> 01:02:08,574 of Justin Bieber continues. 1228 01:02:09,284 --> 01:02:10,573 This is something that I really enjoy, 1229 01:02:10,574 --> 01:02:11,573 and I want to be invited back. 1230 01:02:11,574 --> 01:02:13,574 I love the roasts. 1231 01:02:18,443 --> 01:02:22,399 - Yeah! [techno music] 1232 01:02:22,400 --> 01:02:25,399 ♪ 1233 01:02:25,400 --> 01:02:27,399 Hannibal Buress is up next, 1234 01:02:27,400 --> 01:02:31,399 ladies and gentlemen. 1235 01:02:31,400 --> 01:02:32,399 I'm a fan. I love Hannibal. 1236 01:02:32,400 --> 01:02:33,399 I really do. 1237 01:02:33,400 --> 01:02:35,399 We know why he's here, okay, 1238 01:02:35,400 --> 01:02:40,319 'cause he's not happy just destroying my childhood hero. 1239 01:02:42,400 --> 01:02:44,399 That's not--that doesn't make him feel good enough. 1240 01:02:44,400 --> 01:02:47,399 No, no, no. He's here to destroy my 1241 01:02:47,400 --> 01:02:51,399 daughter's childhood hero as well. 1242 01:02:51,400 --> 01:02:55,399 I want you guys to please welcome the man who's so slow 1243 01:02:55,400 --> 01:03:01,399 and drowsy that you think that Bill Cosby drugged him. 1244 01:03:01,400 --> 01:03:03,399 I'm talking about Hannibal Buress, ladies and gentlemen. 1245 01:03:03,400 --> 01:03:05,399 Hannibal Buress. 1246 01:03:05,400 --> 01:03:09,399 [hip-hop music] 1247 01:03:09,400 --> 01:03:11,399 What's up? Hello. 1248 01:03:11,400 --> 01:03:12,399 Kevin Hart, everybody. 1249 01:03:12,400 --> 01:03:16,399 Kevin Hart. 1250 01:03:16,400 --> 01:03:18,399 Congrats on all your success, Kevin. 1251 01:03:18,400 --> 01:03:21,400 I'm sure it's gonna last forever. 1252 01:03:25,400 --> 01:03:28,399 It's amazing to have Kevin Hart and Shaq here. 1253 01:03:28,400 --> 01:03:32,400 Is this a roast or is this Tyler Perry's Of Mice and Men? 1254 01:03:37,400 --> 01:03:39,399 Shaq's a very unique player in NBA history. 1255 01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:43,399 He's the first player in NBA history to have his shoe size, 1256 01:03:43,400 --> 01:03:49,399 IQ, and jersey all be the same number. 1257 01:03:49,400 --> 01:03:52,399 Shaq is a police officer in Florida. 1258 01:03:52,400 --> 01:03:56,399 If you want to escape from Shaq, just jog slowly away from him 1259 01:03:56,400 --> 01:03:58,399 'cause that's-- 1260 01:03:58,400 --> 01:04:02,399 And he'll fall eventually. 1261 01:04:02,400 --> 01:04:04,399 Snoop is here. Snoop Dogg. 1262 01:04:04,400 --> 01:04:06,399 Snoop D-O-double-G. 1263 01:04:06,400 --> 01:04:10,400 Snoop is like a cool-ass salamander. 1264 01:04:10,943 --> 01:04:16,399 Snoop's like a rejected Mortal Kombat boss. 1265 01:04:16,400 --> 01:04:19,400 "Now you have to fight fake Crip." 1266 01:04:24,400 --> 01:04:28,399 Snoop is good at social media, but he's bad at music now. 1267 01:04:28,400 --> 01:04:31,399 Snoop, the only way you'll get another hit is if you stand 1268 01:04:31,400 --> 01:04:34,400 behind Suge Knight's car in a parking lot. 1269 01:04:37,400 --> 01:04:38,399 Chris--I don't know if you know this about Chris. 1270 01:04:38,400 --> 01:04:40,399 He doesn't smoke weed. 1271 01:04:40,400 --> 01:04:41,399 He doesn't drink. He's never done any drugs. 1272 01:04:41,400 --> 01:04:46,399 His only vice is performing horrible standup comedy 1273 01:04:46,400 --> 01:04:48,400 all around the country. 1274 01:04:49,152 --> 01:04:50,399 Speaking of horrible comics, Jeff Ross is here. 1275 01:04:50,400 --> 01:04:54,399 Jeff Ross. Jeff, you look horrible. 1276 01:04:54,400 --> 01:05:00,399 Jeff looks like a combination of every "before" picture ever. 1277 01:05:00,400 --> 01:05:02,399 Jeff only does roasts. 1278 01:05:02,400 --> 01:05:04,399 Congratulations on being the only person on this stage 1279 01:05:04,400 --> 01:05:06,400 that's making 95% of your yearly income today. 1280 01:05:10,400 --> 01:05:13,399 It's good to see Comedy Central diversifying its talent 1281 01:05:13,400 --> 01:05:17,399 with whatever race Pete Davidson is. 1282 01:05:17,400 --> 01:05:19,399 You just look real-- You're just real vague, man. 1283 01:05:19,400 --> 01:05:23,399 You have a weird, vague-ass face, and I don't like it. 1284 01:05:23,400 --> 01:05:25,399 I don't like your face at all, man. 1285 01:05:25,400 --> 01:05:27,399 You seem like a nice person, but when I talk to you, 1286 01:05:27,400 --> 01:05:31,399 I don't have fun. 1287 01:05:31,400 --> 01:05:33,399 Pete. Pete has got a lot going on. 1288 01:05:33,400 --> 01:05:35,399 Pete, I don't know how you can juggle SNL, standup, 1289 01:05:35,400 --> 01:05:37,399 and Lorne Michaels' balls in your mouth 1290 01:05:37,400 --> 01:05:39,399 all at the same time. 1291 01:05:39,400 --> 01:05:44,400 An amazing multi-tasker Pete Davidson is. 1292 01:05:44,693 --> 01:05:48,399 Natasha Leggero is here which means that right now 1293 01:05:48,400 --> 01:05:49,399 there's a bachelor party discovering 1294 01:05:49,400 --> 01:05:53,027 that their cake is empty. 1295 01:05:53,400 --> 01:05:55,110 I'm not saying that Natasha's a whore, 1296 01:05:55,400 --> 01:05:58,400 but I'm saying that Shaq can fit both feet in her pussy. 1297 01:06:03,400 --> 01:06:04,399 And now the man of the hour. 1298 01:06:04,400 --> 01:06:08,399 Justin Bieber, you dainty wigger, you. 1299 01:06:08,400 --> 01:06:09,399 Justin Bieber. They say that you roast 1300 01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:12,399 the ones you love, but I don't like you at all, man. 1301 01:06:12,400 --> 01:06:17,399 I'm just here 'cause this is a real good opportunity for me. 1302 01:06:17,400 --> 01:06:20,399 Justin, oh, you gotta give it up for Justin. 1303 01:06:20,400 --> 01:06:25,399 He started from the bottom, and he's still a bottom. 1304 01:06:25,400 --> 01:06:29,399 I don't like your music, man. I'm not a big fan of it. 1305 01:06:29,400 --> 01:06:31,399 I listened to some of it. I'm not a fan. 1306 01:06:31,400 --> 01:06:34,399 I don't like your music. 1307 01:06:34,400 --> 01:06:36,399 I think it's bad. I think it's bad, man. 1308 01:06:36,400 --> 01:06:39,399 I don't like it. 1309 01:06:39,400 --> 01:06:40,400 I hate your music, man. 1310 01:06:41,400 --> 01:06:45,400 I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy. 1311 01:06:52,400 --> 01:06:56,399 Yo, Justin, man. 1312 01:06:56,400 --> 01:06:58,399 Well, this has been cool, 1313 01:06:58,400 --> 01:07:02,399 and despite all those foul things I said, 1314 01:07:02,400 --> 01:07:05,399 you seem like a sharp businessman, 1315 01:07:05,400 --> 01:07:09,399 and, uh... 1316 01:07:09,400 --> 01:07:11,399 this is real cool that you did this 1317 01:07:11,400 --> 01:07:14,399 and let all these strangers shit on you 1318 01:07:14,400 --> 01:07:15,399 in front of all these people, 1319 01:07:15,400 --> 01:07:17,399 and I actually like that song Confident. 1320 01:07:17,400 --> 01:07:19,399 That's a good song. I like that song. 1321 01:07:19,400 --> 01:07:22,399 So thanks for letting me do it, and congratulations, man. 1322 01:07:22,400 --> 01:07:23,400 All right, later, y'all. 1323 01:07:28,400 --> 01:07:30,399 Hannibal just killed me. 1324 01:07:30,400 --> 01:07:31,399 (announcer) Up next,... 1325 01:07:31,400 --> 01:07:32,399 Ahh! Catch me, Kevin! 1326 01:07:32,400 --> 01:07:34,399 (announcer) Justin Bieber gets revenge... 1327 01:07:34,400 --> 01:07:35,399 Let's do this. 1328 01:07:35,400 --> 01:07:37,400 - Everybody in here? - I'm not in it. 1329 01:07:40,698 --> 01:07:45,654 [techno music] 1330 01:07:45,655 --> 01:07:46,654 All right. 1331 01:07:46,655 --> 01:07:48,654 Ladies and gentlemen, 1332 01:07:48,655 --> 01:07:51,654 I would give an introduction, but I don't need to. 1333 01:07:51,655 --> 01:07:52,655 Ron Burgundy. 1334 01:07:53,198 --> 01:07:55,655 [cheers and applause] 1335 01:08:21,655 --> 01:08:23,654 Listen, people. Listen, listen. 1336 01:08:23,655 --> 01:08:28,654 I don't have a lot of time, all right? 1337 01:08:28,655 --> 01:08:30,654 I don't have a lot of time. 1338 01:08:30,655 --> 01:08:35,654 I'm currently over at stage 24 1339 01:08:35,655 --> 01:08:37,654 hosting Spike TV's 1340 01:08:37,655 --> 01:08:39,655 "Your Mother's a Fat Bitch" awards show. 1341 01:08:45,655 --> 01:08:51,654 Some real clever writing, great energy over there. 1342 01:08:51,655 --> 01:08:54,654 Boy, have we got a great gang of talented comics here tonight. 1343 01:08:54,655 --> 01:08:58,654 We've got Tom Dreesen, 1344 01:08:58,655 --> 01:09:01,654 Willie Tyler, and Lester. 1345 01:09:01,655 --> 01:09:05,654 I didn't realize Lester was a live human being. 1346 01:09:05,655 --> 01:09:08,654 Gary Mule Deer, 1347 01:09:08,655 --> 01:09:10,654 Fannie Flagg, 1348 01:09:10,655 --> 01:09:13,654 top notch. 1349 01:09:13,655 --> 01:09:16,654 Star-studded evening. 1350 01:09:16,655 --> 01:09:19,654 Listen, I'm just gonna cut to the chase. 1351 01:09:19,655 --> 01:09:25,654 Justin Biber--Justin Bieber, 1352 01:09:25,655 --> 01:09:27,654 you've been taking it on the chin tonight. 1353 01:09:27,655 --> 01:09:28,654 You really have. 1354 01:09:28,655 --> 01:09:31,654 In fact, absolutely abused, 1355 01:09:31,655 --> 01:09:33,654 and I'm just here to say one thing. 1356 01:09:33,655 --> 01:09:37,654 You people don't know what the hell you're talking about. 1357 01:09:37,655 --> 01:09:41,654 As far as I'm concerned, this guy is doing it right. 1358 01:09:41,655 --> 01:09:44,654 Here's a couple things I know. 1359 01:09:44,655 --> 01:09:48,654 September 1st, 2014, Bieber arrested for a collision with 1360 01:09:48,655 --> 01:09:51,654 a minivan in his hometown of Stratford, Ontario, Canada, 1361 01:09:51,655 --> 01:09:54,654 and then beat up the occupant of the minivan. 1362 01:09:54,655 --> 01:09:55,781 Nice work! 1363 01:09:59,655 --> 01:10:02,654 October 18th, 2010, Bieber accused of assaulting 1364 01:10:02,655 --> 01:10:04,654 a 12-year-old at a laser tag arena. 1365 01:10:04,655 --> 01:10:07,655 Kaboom! 1366 01:10:10,655 --> 01:10:14,654 I only wish the kid was a nine-year-old. 1367 01:10:14,655 --> 01:10:18,654 March 28th, 2013, Bieber flies into Munich 1368 01:10:18,655 --> 01:10:21,654 with his pet monkey, Mally, 1369 01:10:21,655 --> 01:10:24,654 doesn't have the proper paperwork, 1370 01:10:24,655 --> 01:10:29,654 so he leaves it at a zoo in Germany. 1371 01:10:29,655 --> 01:10:33,654 It's a monkey. It's named Mally. 1372 01:10:33,655 --> 01:10:39,654 Don't think twice-- you leave it at a German zoo. 1373 01:10:39,655 --> 01:10:43,654 March 4th, 2013, two hours late to a concert in Dubai 1374 01:10:43,655 --> 01:10:45,654 because he refused to stop playing a video game. 1375 01:10:45,655 --> 01:10:48,654 Say what? 1376 01:10:48,655 --> 01:10:50,654 Hocked a loogie at his neighbor 1377 01:10:50,655 --> 01:10:53,654 after the guy complained that Bieber was driving 100 mph 1378 01:10:53,655 --> 01:10:54,654 in his gated community neighborhood. 1379 01:10:54,655 --> 01:10:57,654 Eat that, bitch! 1380 01:10:57,655 --> 01:11:02,654 July 10th, 2013, Bieber pees in a restaurant mop bucket. 1381 01:11:02,655 --> 01:11:04,654 As he runs off, he sprays a photograph of Bill Clinton 1382 01:11:04,655 --> 01:11:06,654 with a bottle of blue liquid 1383 01:11:06,655 --> 01:11:10,654 and yells, "Fuck Bill Clinton!" 1384 01:11:10,655 --> 01:11:13,654 There's not a person in this room who hasn't done that, 1385 01:11:13,655 --> 01:11:16,655 you hypocritical assholes. 1386 01:11:20,655 --> 01:11:23,654 This kid has spunk, moxie, 1387 01:11:23,655 --> 01:11:27,655 and probably a few other STDs, okay? 1388 01:11:33,655 --> 01:11:35,654 I've always encouraged people to stay classy, 1389 01:11:35,655 --> 01:11:37,654 and what's more classy than hanging out 1390 01:11:37,655 --> 01:11:42,654 with Floyd Mayweather? 1391 01:11:42,655 --> 01:11:44,654 Would I love to see Biebs spending time 1392 01:11:44,655 --> 01:11:45,654 with Oscar Pistorius? 1393 01:11:45,655 --> 01:11:48,655 Of course I would, but that day will come. 1394 01:11:54,655 --> 01:11:58,654 People refer to Mr. Bieber as a kid or a boy, 1395 01:11:58,655 --> 01:12:00,654 but here's a newsflash, gang. 1396 01:12:00,655 --> 01:12:02,654 He's a man, 1397 01:12:02,655 --> 01:12:06,654 a full-grown man who works and loves 1398 01:12:06,655 --> 01:12:09,654 and makes things with his hands, 1399 01:12:09,655 --> 01:12:12,654 a man who sings songs for nine-year-olds 1400 01:12:12,655 --> 01:12:15,655 and cuts his hair like a gay figure skater. 1401 01:12:19,655 --> 01:12:20,654 This guy just continues to impress. 1402 01:12:20,655 --> 01:12:23,654 Is there anything he can't do? 1403 01:12:23,655 --> 01:12:28,654 In fact, I pulled my pants down 1404 01:12:28,655 --> 01:12:30,654 and took a big, creamy shit in the green room 1405 01:12:30,655 --> 01:12:32,654 because I thought to myself, 1406 01:12:32,655 --> 01:12:35,654 "That's how the Biebs would do it. 1407 01:12:35,655 --> 01:12:39,655 Again and again and again." 1408 01:12:46,655 --> 01:12:49,654 If anything, Justin Bieber, 1409 01:12:49,655 --> 01:12:51,654 not only do you need to continue to live your life 1410 01:12:51,655 --> 01:12:53,654 with the same reckless abandon, 1411 01:12:53,655 --> 01:12:55,655 I suggest you turn up the heat. 1412 01:12:58,655 --> 01:13:02,654 Oh, and one last thing, if you're watching 1413 01:13:02,655 --> 01:13:04,655 from your monkey cage in Germany... 1414 01:13:08,655 --> 01:13:10,654 Go to bed, Mally. 1415 01:13:10,655 --> 01:13:12,654 Good night. 1416 01:13:12,655 --> 01:13:15,654 [pop music] 1417 01:13:15,655 --> 01:13:22,654 ♪ 1418 01:13:22,655 --> 01:13:24,654 (announcer) Up next: Justin Bieber. 1419 01:13:24,655 --> 01:13:26,654 There he is! Justin Bieber. 1420 01:13:26,655 --> 01:13:28,655 That's the guy you want. 1421 01:13:39,773 --> 01:13:41,772 Wow. 1422 01:13:41,773 --> 01:13:44,772 You know what? Right now it's finally time 1423 01:13:44,773 --> 01:13:48,772 to bring up the boy of the hour. 1424 01:13:48,773 --> 01:13:50,772 You, Justin Bieber, it's time, man. 1425 01:13:50,773 --> 01:13:51,772 Here's what I want to say. 1426 01:13:51,773 --> 01:13:55,772 At 21, he's already the most famous living celebrity 1427 01:13:55,773 --> 01:13:57,772 in the world. It's true. 1428 01:13:57,773 --> 01:14:00,772 He has over 60 million followers on Twitter. 1429 01:14:00,773 --> 01:14:03,772 He's at 40 million on Grindr. 1430 01:14:03,773 --> 01:14:05,772 It's true. It's true. 1431 01:14:05,773 --> 01:14:09,772 It's weird, but it's true. They love you, Justin. 1432 01:14:09,773 --> 01:14:12,772 He's a platinum-selling recording artist, okay? 1433 01:14:12,773 --> 01:14:15,772 Justin Bieber has the voice of an angel, 1434 01:14:15,773 --> 01:14:19,772 and he has the haircut and tattoos of a lesbian butcher. 1435 01:14:19,773 --> 01:14:21,772 This shit is bad. 1436 01:14:21,773 --> 01:14:24,772 It's bad. I don't like it, but I love him, 1437 01:14:24,773 --> 01:14:26,650 so I can't tell him. You guys do it. 1438 01:14:26,773 --> 01:14:28,772 Write a letter. It's fucked up. 1439 01:14:28,773 --> 01:14:31,772 It's fucked up, man. 1440 01:14:31,773 --> 01:14:32,772 Him and Snoop are in the same position. 1441 01:14:32,773 --> 01:14:35,772 Nobody wants to say anything. Look at Snoop's look. 1442 01:14:35,773 --> 01:14:38,772 It's like a teenage boy in high school, but he grew up, 1443 01:14:38,773 --> 01:14:41,772 but he didn't graduate, but he's in college. 1444 01:14:41,773 --> 01:14:43,772 What the fuck are you doing? 1445 01:14:43,773 --> 01:14:47,772 Why does Snoop have on Chucks? It makes me so mad. 1446 01:14:47,773 --> 01:14:50,772 I hate it. I hate it. 1447 01:14:50,773 --> 01:14:53,772 What the fuck are you doing? 1448 01:14:53,773 --> 01:14:55,772 Let it go. Your kids are in college. 1449 01:14:55,773 --> 01:15:00,772 What 70-year-old nigger is doing this? 1450 01:15:00,773 --> 01:15:01,772 I hate it. 1451 01:15:01,773 --> 01:15:03,772 Justin, that's where you're headed. 1452 01:15:03,773 --> 01:15:07,772 It's right in front of your face. 1453 01:15:07,773 --> 01:15:09,772 Look at old success. 1454 01:15:09,773 --> 01:15:11,772 Shaq has on a tie with glitter, 1455 01:15:11,773 --> 01:15:13,772 and what the fuck are you doing? 1456 01:15:13,773 --> 01:15:15,772 Like, I don't even know what it is. 1457 01:15:15,773 --> 01:15:17,772 - Diamonds. - Shaq, it's not diamonds. 1458 01:15:17,773 --> 01:15:20,772 It's graffiti. You're stupid. 1459 01:15:20,773 --> 01:15:23,772 I hate it. I hate my people, man. 1460 01:15:23,773 --> 01:15:25,316 I really do. 1461 01:15:27,773 --> 01:15:29,772 You know, I would say something about you, Jeff, 1462 01:15:29,773 --> 01:15:31,772 but this is all you got. 1463 01:15:31,773 --> 01:15:34,772 I don't want to fuck this up for you. 1464 01:15:34,773 --> 01:15:37,772 Every year you're back here. This is it. 1465 01:15:37,773 --> 01:15:39,772 You're you, okay? 1466 01:15:39,773 --> 01:15:42,772 That's what you say to people that you know not gonna make it. 1467 01:15:42,773 --> 01:15:43,773 You're you. 1468 01:15:46,773 --> 01:15:48,772 Right now, you know what? 1469 01:15:48,773 --> 01:15:51,772 It's about the guy that we came to roast tonight, 1470 01:15:51,773 --> 01:15:55,772 and I can be honored to say I'm a fucking fan. 1471 01:15:55,773 --> 01:15:57,772 Not only am I a fan, I'm a friend. 1472 01:15:57,773 --> 01:16:00,772 I'm glad to be here tonight, Justin, and I think 1473 01:16:00,773 --> 01:16:02,772 everybody else up here tonight can say the same thing. 1474 01:16:02,773 --> 01:16:04,772 With that being said, 1475 01:16:04,773 --> 01:16:09,772 please make some noise and welcome Justin Bieber, 1476 01:16:09,773 --> 01:16:12,772 ladies and gentlemen. - ♪ I need somebody to love 1477 01:16:12,773 --> 01:16:13,772 ♪ Do-do-do 1478 01:16:13,773 --> 01:16:15,772 ♪ Oh, I don't need too much 1479 01:16:15,773 --> 01:16:17,772 ♪ Just somebody to love 1480 01:16:17,773 --> 01:16:20,772 ♪ Somebody to love 1481 01:16:20,773 --> 01:16:22,772 ♪ I don't need nothing else 1482 01:16:22,773 --> 01:16:24,772 ♪ I promise, girl, I swear 1483 01:16:24,773 --> 01:16:26,772 ♪ I just need somebody to love 1484 01:16:26,773 --> 01:16:28,772 Damn, you guys were brutal. 1485 01:16:28,773 --> 01:16:30,772 Goodness gracious. 1486 01:16:30,773 --> 01:16:34,772 This was supposed to be a birthday present. 1487 01:16:34,773 --> 01:16:36,772 When I tell people what I got for my 21st birthday, 1488 01:16:36,773 --> 01:16:40,772 I get to tell them that I got my dick kicked in. 1489 01:16:40,773 --> 01:16:43,772 I know I've been driving recklessly, 1490 01:16:43,773 --> 01:16:45,772 getting arrested, smoking weed, 1491 01:16:45,773 --> 01:16:49,772 abandoning monkeys, and urinating publicly, 1492 01:16:49,773 --> 01:16:51,772 but my biggest regret is plowing my Maserati 1493 01:16:51,773 --> 01:16:55,772 into Jeff Ross's Saturn in the parking lot, man. 1494 01:16:55,773 --> 01:16:59,772 And, Jeff, 1495 01:16:59,773 --> 01:17:01,772 I feel really bad because I don't know 1496 01:17:01,773 --> 01:17:05,772 where you're gonna sleep tonight, man. 1497 01:17:05,773 --> 01:17:07,773 Look, I'm new to comedy, but here's a joke, all right? 1498 01:17:08,441 --> 01:17:12,772 What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? 1499 01:17:12,773 --> 01:17:14,772 A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours. 1500 01:17:14,773 --> 01:17:17,773 [laughter and applause] 1501 01:17:24,773 --> 01:17:25,772 All right, all right. I'm playing. 1502 01:17:25,773 --> 01:17:27,772 You guys were all really funny tonight. 1503 01:17:27,773 --> 01:17:29,772 When we were looking for a roastmaster, 1504 01:17:29,773 --> 01:17:32,772 we called Jamie Foxx, Chris Rock, 1505 01:17:32,773 --> 01:17:34,772 and they both couldn't do it. 1506 01:17:34,773 --> 01:17:36,772 Then I had a great idea. Let's call Kevin Hart 1507 01:17:36,773 --> 01:17:40,772 and see if he has Dave Chappelle's number. 1508 01:17:40,773 --> 01:17:43,772 No, I have hu-- 1509 01:17:43,773 --> 01:17:45,773 [inaudible] 1510 01:17:47,773 --> 01:17:49,772 - [indistinct] - He didn't have it. 1511 01:17:49,773 --> 01:17:52,772 He didn't have it. 1512 01:17:52,773 --> 01:17:53,772 (Justin) Kevin, you were awesome tonight. 1513 01:17:53,773 --> 01:17:55,772 I have huge respect for Kevin Hart. 1514 01:17:55,773 --> 01:17:57,772 Kevin loves seeing himself on the big screen. 1515 01:17:57,773 --> 01:18:02,772 And for him that's an iPad mini. Sorry. 1516 01:18:02,773 --> 01:18:06,773 Kevin is so short, he calls Lil Wayne "Wayne." 1517 01:18:10,773 --> 01:18:11,772 I love Kevin Hart's career plan. 1518 01:18:11,773 --> 01:18:15,773 Do everything Martin Lawrence did, only shittier. 1519 01:18:17,773 --> 01:18:19,772 And, Martha, thanks for coming. 1520 01:18:19,773 --> 01:18:23,773 I know that's probably something you don't do much of anymore. 1521 01:18:27,773 --> 01:18:29,772 Ah, Natasha Leggero, 1522 01:18:29,773 --> 01:18:31,772 this is my first time seeing you perform. 1523 01:18:31,773 --> 01:18:33,772 You were really great even though you didn't shoot out 1524 01:18:33,773 --> 01:18:36,773 a single ping pong ball like Snoop promised. 1525 01:18:39,773 --> 01:18:42,772 And, Jeff Ross, thanks for being here, man. 1526 01:18:42,773 --> 01:18:44,772 Jeff, you look like the emoji you send 1527 01:18:44,773 --> 01:18:46,773 when you want to tell someone you have food poisoning. 1528 01:18:49,773 --> 01:18:53,772 Oh. 1529 01:18:53,773 --> 01:18:55,772 Chris D'Elia is my favorite comedian, 1530 01:18:55,773 --> 01:18:56,772 and I'm lucky to call him a friend. 1531 01:18:56,773 --> 01:18:58,772 Chris actually brought me on stage 1532 01:18:58,773 --> 01:19:00,772 at one of his shows, and it was really cool. 1533 01:19:00,773 --> 01:19:02,772 It was the first time I got to see what it was like 1534 01:19:02,773 --> 01:19:05,773 to perform for eight people staring at their phones. 1535 01:19:09,773 --> 01:19:11,772 I'm a huge fan of Chris D'Elia. 1536 01:19:11,773 --> 01:19:14,772 Chris gets a ton of girls. You want to know why? 1537 01:19:14,773 --> 01:19:17,275 'Cause I'm a big fan of Chris D'Elia. 1538 01:19:17,773 --> 01:19:19,772 That's right. That's what I get. 1539 01:19:19,773 --> 01:19:21,773 Love you. 1540 01:19:23,773 --> 01:19:25,772 Luda, what's up, man? 1541 01:19:25,773 --> 01:19:27,773 I knew you would show up for me tonight. 1542 01:19:28,733 --> 01:19:29,772 I feel like I've known you my whole life, 1543 01:19:29,773 --> 01:19:30,772 but that's just because you look like 1544 01:19:30,773 --> 01:19:33,773 the Mr. Potato Head I had as a kid. 1545 01:19:38,773 --> 01:19:41,773 - Luda and I had-- - [laughing] 1546 01:19:43,773 --> 01:19:46,772 That's good. That's good. 1547 01:19:46,773 --> 01:19:49,772 Luda and I had a lot of hours making the song Baby together. 1548 01:19:49,773 --> 01:19:51,772 In fact, he told me it was the only baby 1549 01:19:51,773 --> 01:19:53,773 he ever made on purpose. 1550 01:19:59,773 --> 01:20:01,772 Of course I had to have one of my favorite people 1551 01:20:01,773 --> 01:20:03,772 in the world here tonight, Shaquille O'Neal. 1552 01:20:03,773 --> 01:20:05,772 Thanks for coming, man. 1553 01:20:05,773 --> 01:20:08,772 I love you, dude, but how in 19 seasons 1554 01:20:08,773 --> 01:20:10,772 have you only made one three-pointer? 1555 01:20:10,773 --> 01:20:15,772 I've hit more pedestrians with my car. 1556 01:20:15,773 --> 01:20:18,772 And Hannibal Buress, thank you so much for being here. 1557 01:20:18,773 --> 01:20:19,772 I don't really know much about you, 1558 01:20:19,773 --> 01:20:21,772 but from what I've been hearing, 1559 01:20:21,773 --> 01:20:24,773 I hope you don't know much about me either. 1560 01:20:29,773 --> 01:20:32,772 Snoop Doggie Dogg, what's up, man? 1561 01:20:32,773 --> 01:20:34,772 He's way too shy to admit this, but he was actually 1562 01:20:34,773 --> 01:20:39,772 the Billboard top male artist the year I was born. 1563 01:20:39,773 --> 01:20:40,772 And look at you now, Snoop. 1564 01:20:40,773 --> 01:20:42,772 You're one of the ten dudes at my roast 1565 01:20:42,773 --> 01:20:43,772 sitting right next to Martha Stewart 1566 01:20:43,773 --> 01:20:45,772 and that Hannibal guy. 1567 01:20:45,773 --> 01:20:48,772 How cool is this? So cool. 1568 01:20:48,773 --> 01:20:51,772 You made it. I'm proud of you, man. 1569 01:20:51,773 --> 01:20:56,772 I'm proud of you. 1570 01:20:56,773 --> 01:20:58,772 Before I go, I want to thank everyone for tonight. 1571 01:20:58,773 --> 01:21:00,772 This roast was a dream of mine. 1572 01:21:00,773 --> 01:21:03,525 I especially want to thank all my fans, the dais, 1573 01:21:03,773 --> 01:21:04,772 and everyone watching at home. 1574 01:21:04,773 --> 01:21:06,772 I turned a lot of people off over the past few years, 1575 01:21:06,773 --> 01:21:08,772 but I know I can still turn out good music 1576 01:21:08,773 --> 01:21:11,772 and turn everything all around. You have my word. 1577 01:21:11,773 --> 01:21:15,772 I will not end up broken, pathetic, bitter, 1578 01:21:15,773 --> 01:21:18,773 or sitting on the dais of somebody else's roast. 1579 01:21:23,773 --> 01:21:28,772 No, but seriously. 1580 01:21:28,773 --> 01:21:30,772 Really, let's get serious for a second. 1581 01:21:30,773 --> 01:21:34,772 There was really no preparing me for this life. 1582 01:21:34,773 --> 01:21:36,772 I was thrown into this at 12 years old, 1583 01:21:36,773 --> 01:21:39,772 and I didn't really know what I was getting myself into. 1584 01:21:39,773 --> 01:21:40,772 There's been moments I'm really proud of, 1585 01:21:40,773 --> 01:21:42,772 and a lot of moments I look back 1586 01:21:42,773 --> 01:21:44,772 and I'm pretty disappointed in myself for, 1587 01:21:44,773 --> 01:21:47,772 but the things that I've done really don't define who I am. 1588 01:21:47,773 --> 01:21:49,772 I'm a kindhearted person who loves people, 1589 01:21:49,773 --> 01:21:51,772 and through it all I lost some of my best qualities. 1590 01:21:51,773 --> 01:21:55,772 For that, I'm sorry. 1591 01:21:55,773 --> 01:21:57,772 But what I can say is I'm looking forward to being someone 1592 01:21:57,773 --> 01:21:59,772 that you guys can all look at and be proud of, 1593 01:21:59,773 --> 01:22:02,772 someone you can smile at and see some of yourself in. 1594 01:22:02,773 --> 01:22:03,772 Someone close to me once said, 1595 01:22:03,773 --> 01:22:05,772 "It's how you rise from a fall 1596 01:22:05,773 --> 01:22:07,772 that truly defines you as a man." 1597 01:22:07,773 --> 01:22:08,772 I'm excited for that challenge, 1598 01:22:08,773 --> 01:22:09,772 and I want to say thank you so much 1599 01:22:09,773 --> 01:22:11,772 for taking this journey with me, 1600 01:22:11,773 --> 01:22:13,773 and I'm excited for you to see what's next. 1601 01:22:14,692 --> 01:22:15,772 Thank you, God, for your grace 1602 01:22:15,773 --> 01:22:17,772 and for never giving up on me. 1603 01:22:17,773 --> 01:22:20,773 [cheers and applause] 1604 01:22:32,773 --> 01:22:35,772 But one more thing. One more thing before I go. 1605 01:22:35,773 --> 01:22:38,772 There's someone in my life who I owe a special apology to. 1606 01:22:38,773 --> 01:22:40,772 I'm talking about someone who I really loved 1607 01:22:40,773 --> 01:22:41,772 and lost because I screwed it all up, 1608 01:22:41,773 --> 01:22:44,772 but thankfully that special someone, 1609 01:22:44,773 --> 01:22:46,772 the love of my life, is here tonight. 1610 01:22:46,773 --> 01:22:49,773 I just want that second chance, so if you could come on out. 1611 01:22:54,773 --> 01:22:57,772 This is your monkey. 1612 01:22:57,773 --> 01:22:59,772 I missed you, buddy. Want to go to the zoo? 1613 01:22:59,773 --> 01:23:00,772 I'm just kidding. 1614 01:23:00,773 --> 01:23:02,773 Thank you so much and good night. 1615 01:23:11,773 --> 01:23:14,772 You did good, man. I'm proud of you, buddy. 1616 01:23:14,773 --> 01:23:17,772 Incredible fucking show. 1617 01:23:17,773 --> 01:23:20,772 [techno music] 1618 01:23:20,773 --> 01:23:21,772 ♪ 1619 01:23:21,773 --> 01:23:22,772 It takes a lot of balls to do that. 1620 01:23:22,773 --> 01:23:23,772 I wouldn't be able to do that. 1621 01:23:23,773 --> 01:23:25,773 Happy to do it. 1622 01:23:28,773 --> 01:23:30,772 Great, dude. It really was. 1623 01:23:30,773 --> 01:23:34,773 - It was really great. - That's my guy, right? 1624 01:23:38,512 --> 01:23:48,511 ♪ 1625 01:23:48,512 --> 01:23:58,512 ♪124292