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- This program is rated TV ma-l
and contains strong language
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00:00:02,799 --> 00:00:03,998
and adult content.
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00:00:03,999 --> 00:00:05,498
Viewer discretion advised.
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00:00:05,499 --> 00:00:08,498
- This is the comedy centralroast of Donald trump.
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[Three 6 mafia's
it's hard out here for a pimp]
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- ♪ Know it's hard out here
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♪ for a pimp
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♪ when he trying
to get this money ♪
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♪ for the rent
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♪ for the Cadillacs
and gas money spent ♪
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- Let's go.
- Starring...
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- No, you have to.
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It's the president.
- ♪ so I'm praying
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- good morning, Mr. trump.
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- How are you?
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- Hello, everybody.
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- I have a deal
for you to finalize.
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- Good.
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- ♪ When he trying to get
this money for the rent ♪
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- I like that.
- ♪ for the Cadillacs
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♪ and gas money spent
- thanks.
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- Yeah, I'm getting him
to the roast now.
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- And your roast master
Seth macfarlane.
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- ♪ You know it's hard out here
for a pimp ♪
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- Ready?
- They've got nothing on me.
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- The comedy central roastof Donald trump.
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00:01:04,499 --> 00:01:08,498
And now please welcome
your roast master,
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00:01:08,499 --> 00:01:10,498
Seth macfarlane.
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[Cheers and applause]
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- Thank you.
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Hey.
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Thank you.
Thank you.
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Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
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I'm Seth mcfarlane,
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and welcome
to the comedy central roast
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00:01:28,499 --> 00:01:29,498
of Donald trump.
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[Cheers and applause]
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Or as Donald calls it,
the trump comedy central
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trump roast of Donald trump
trump trump trump trump.
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How do you prepare
for a night like this?
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Personally,
I smoked a lot of pot.
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[Cheers and applause]
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And clearly don't give a shit
about this show.
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So I'm--I'm kind
of the perfect host
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for this roast
or for the oscars.
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[Laughter]
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Before we get started, though,
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00:02:00,499 --> 00:02:01,498
I do have some sad news.
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Recently, the roast lost a very
talented and beloved performer,
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and it would be wrong
not to acknowledge him
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and to say
how much he'll be missed.
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00:02:09,499 --> 00:02:11,498
Larry king died ten minutes ago.
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[Laughter and applause]
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Come on, Larry, you're old.
Don't deny it.
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Every time you lie,
your balls grow longer.
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And we've got
some other familiar faces
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up here on the dais.
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We've got Whitney cummings
and Lisa lampanelli.
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[Cheers and applause]
Very nice.
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Um, you ever play
fuck, marry, kill?
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Let's see, I think
I would fuck Whitney,
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marry Lisa,
and kill myself.
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[Laughter and applause]
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And my friend marlee matlin
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is here tonight.
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[Cheers and applause]
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It's fitting that marlee is here
for the roast of trump,
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because marlee is appearing
on the new celebrity apprentice.
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She will be competing
for a charity
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that's yet to be announced,
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but will probably be
some deaf bullshit.
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[Laughter]
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What does that--
what does that mean?
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What am I doing?
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[Laughter]
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And snoop dogg is here.
Wow.
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Hey.
[Cheers and applause]
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00:03:29,499 --> 00:03:31,498
Now, snoop,
be honest, please.
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When you were backstage,
did you...
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You know, blow Jeff Ross?
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[Cheers and applause]
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- Yes.
Yes, he did.
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- Okay.
I'm gonna remember that.
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- Now, since our man of the hour
was foolish enough
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to agree to this,
let's get started making
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one more piece of garbage with
Donald trump's name on it...
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[Laughter]
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And take a look back at some
of his other bad decisions.
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- My name is Donald trump.
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The name is hot,
and it sells.
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I own everything--
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jetliners,
golf courses...
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I own virtually everything.
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[Hip-hop music]
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No matter where I go
in the world, people want me.
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So I had a lot of success.
Success.
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Success. I believe in bragging
about yourself.
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- Do you name things after
yourself because you're afraid
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you won't be able to find them?
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- ♪ I whip
my hair back and forth ♪
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♪ I whip my hair
back and forth ♪
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- It's my real hair,
believe it or not.
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You know,
it's actually mine.
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- I know it's not a hairpiece,
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but I have no idea
what it is.
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- Looks like you killed
a squirrel to me
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and put it right on top
of your head.
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- It's the Rosie O'Donnell-
Donald trump war,
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and it's on.
- Rosie O'Donnell's disgusting.
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I'd look her right
in that fat, ugly face,
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and I'd say,
"Rosie, you're fired."
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I'm gonna fire the asses off
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each and every one of 'em.
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You're fired.
You're fired.
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You were the project manager,
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and you lost,
and I didn't like what you did.
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- It is gonna be
a [Bleep] nightmare.
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- Joan is not gonna be happy.
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[Glass shatters]
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Frankly, if you were running
a company,
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you'd destroy that company.
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You're fired.
You're fired. You're fired.
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- You know, it felt good
to fire someone.
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- It's actually fun,
isn't it?
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[Rock music]
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♪
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00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:34,498
[Cheers and applause]
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- I still love you.
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- Please welcome
the second worst tragedy
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ever to hit New York City.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
Donald j. Trump.
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[Cheers and applause]
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[Bachman-Turner overdrive's
takin' care of business]
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♪
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- ♪ and I'll be takin' care
of business ♪
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♪ every day
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♪ takin' care of business
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- wow.
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- ♪ I've been takin' care
of business ♪
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♪ it's all mine
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- nice.
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Whoa.
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♪
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[Applause]
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Oh, boy, oh, boy.
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- You know,
it's good to see you, Donald.
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We've just met,
but it's good to see you.
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Tonight, we honor
a self-made millionaire.
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He started with nothing,
worked hard,
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and made a fortune.
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That man is Fred trump,
Donald's dad.
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[Laughter]
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[Cheers and applause]
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That's right.
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For all
of his self-starter bullshit,
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he's basically Jaden Smith
with a comb-over.
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[Laughter]
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You're a grown man.
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00:07:00,499 --> 00:07:02,418
You got hair
like Dennis the menace.
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What's going on here?
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00:07:04,499 --> 00:07:09,498
Did you--did you fall headfirst
into a cotton candy machine?
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What happened?
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00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:13,499
Um, by the way,
the producers have asked me
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to interpret that last joke
for the handicapped person
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on our stage.
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Duh, hey, situation...
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[Laughter, cheers,
and applause]
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00:07:29,499 --> 00:07:32,499
Rich guy
have funny hair.
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And, Donald, as long
as I have you here,
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it's pronounced "huge,"
not "yuge."
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And here's another one.
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It's pronounced,
"I am fucking delusional,"
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not "I am running
for president."
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[Laughter]
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That's right.
Trump says--
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00:08:01,084 --> 00:08:04,498
he says he's gonna run
for president in 2012.
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00:08:04,499 --> 00:08:06,499
[Cheers and applause]
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00:08:10,499 --> 00:08:12,498
But if his plan
for America
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is to fire everyone,
he's about two years too late.
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But for me,
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it's kind of tough
to vote for a guy
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whose resting facial expression
is "who farted?"
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[Laughs]
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He also sells trump cologne,
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and, fellas, that stuff
can really get you laid.
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Basically, you pour it
onto a cloth
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and press it to a woman's face
until she...
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[Laughter]
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Stops struggling.
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00:08:45,499 --> 00:08:49,498
But even when you're born with
a silver spoon in your mouth,
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hard times can strike,
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00:08:50,499 --> 00:08:52,498
and that's just what happened
to Donald.
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He was even forced into the
ultimate act of degradation--
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starring
in his own reality show.
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00:08:58,499 --> 00:09:01,498
And soon the top-rated TV show
in the nation
196
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,499
starred a total asshole
torturing people
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00:09:03,959 --> 00:09:06,498
who were stupid enough
to work with him.
198
00:09:06,499 --> 00:09:07,498
In addition
to two and a half men,
199
00:09:07,499 --> 00:09:12,498
the apprentice was also
a pretty popular show.
200
00:09:12,499 --> 00:09:13,498
This guy has an ego.
201
00:09:13,499 --> 00:09:15,498
When trump bangs a supermodel,
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00:09:15,499 --> 00:09:17,498
he closes his eyes and imagines
he's jerking off.
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00:09:17,499 --> 00:09:19,498
[Laughter]
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00:09:19,499 --> 00:09:23,499
[Cheers and applause]
205
00:09:27,499 --> 00:09:28,498
All jokes aside, though,
206
00:09:28,499 --> 00:09:30,498
I was thrilled
when they offered me
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the opportunity to roast
such a brilliant, charismatic,
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00:09:32,499 --> 00:09:35,498
totally self-made billionaire
who I believe
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will one day run this country.
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Then the Facebook guy cancelled,
211
00:09:39,499 --> 00:09:42,498
and we got stuck
with your bloated ass.
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00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:44,498
So congratulations
on your big night, Mr. trump.
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00:09:44,499 --> 00:09:48,499
[Cheers and applause]
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00:09:51,499 --> 00:09:53,498
And now, Donald,
let's get
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00:09:53,499 --> 00:09:55,498
our first roaster up here
to knock you down
216
00:09:55,499 --> 00:09:57,498
like the homeless shelter you
had destroyed on the way here.
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00:09:57,499 --> 00:09:59,500
So as she huffs and puffs
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00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:02,498
and rolls her way
to the podium,
219
00:10:02,499 --> 00:10:04,498
please welcome
the queen of mean,
220
00:10:04,499 --> 00:10:06,498
Lisa lampanelli.
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00:10:06,499 --> 00:10:09,499
[Cheers and applause]
222
00:10:14,499 --> 00:10:17,498
- Oh, thank you, Seth.
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00:10:17,499 --> 00:10:20,498
I love Seth macfarlane.
224
00:10:20,499 --> 00:10:24,498
He's a handsome,
well-groomed confirmed bachelor
225
00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:26,498
who sings show tunes.
226
00:10:26,499 --> 00:10:30,498
He's gayer
than Ryan seacrest's asshole.
227
00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:33,498
[Laughter]
228
00:10:33,499 --> 00:10:36,498
I joke, Seth.
I love your work.
229
00:10:36,499 --> 00:10:38,498
I especially like
that weird baby
230
00:10:38,499 --> 00:10:41,498
you made with the enormous
football-shaped head.
231
00:10:41,499 --> 00:10:45,498
Oh, wow, sorry, that was
for my Sarah Palin roast.
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00:10:45,499 --> 00:10:48,499
[Exclamations]
233
00:10:51,499 --> 00:10:54,498
Ah.
Look at marlee,
234
00:10:54,499 --> 00:10:57,498
sitting up there
like she's normal.
235
00:10:57,499 --> 00:10:59,498
Hey, marlee.
236
00:10:59,499 --> 00:11:01,498
You read lips, right?
237
00:11:01,499 --> 00:11:05,499
What's my camel toe saying?
238
00:11:11,499 --> 00:11:12,498
[Giggles]
239
00:11:12,499 --> 00:11:14,498
Wow.
240
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:15,498
Look who it is.
241
00:11:15,499 --> 00:11:17,498
Larry king.
242
00:11:17,499 --> 00:11:20,498
Yes, Larry king
243
00:11:20,499 --> 00:11:21,498
is a legend.
244
00:11:21,499 --> 00:11:24,498
In this business,
Larry king is known
245
00:11:24,499 --> 00:11:25,498
as a triple threat.
246
00:11:25,499 --> 00:11:28,498
At any time, he could have
a heart attack,
247
00:11:28,499 --> 00:11:30,498
stroke, or shit his pants.
248
00:11:30,499 --> 00:11:33,498
[Laughter]
249
00:11:33,499 --> 00:11:36,498
Larry king
is an elderly bastard.
250
00:11:36,499 --> 00:11:39,498
Seriously, those suspenders
aren't for his pants.
251
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:40,498
They're for his balls.
252
00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:44,498
[Laughter]
253
00:11:44,499 --> 00:11:45,499
Speaking of old crips,
254
00:11:45,750 --> 00:11:47,498
snoop dogg is here.
255
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:50,499
[Cheers and applause]
256
00:11:53,499 --> 00:11:56,499
On a past roast, snoop claimed
I wanted to bang him.
257
00:11:57,209 --> 00:12:00,498
Please, if I want to bang
a skinny black man
258
00:12:00,499 --> 00:12:04,498
with braids,
I'll call Alicia keys.
259
00:12:04,499 --> 00:12:07,498
[Laughter]
260
00:12:07,499 --> 00:12:08,498
- Ooh.
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00:12:08,499 --> 00:12:10,498
- Snoop's
not the only musical artist
262
00:12:10,499 --> 00:12:11,498
on the dais.
263
00:12:11,499 --> 00:12:13,498
Marilyn manson is here.
264
00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:16,498
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's Whitney cummings.
265
00:12:16,499 --> 00:12:18,498
You know, Whitney,
266
00:12:18,499 --> 00:12:20,498
people in this business
hate you
267
00:12:20,499 --> 00:12:23,498
because you're beautiful
and thin.
268
00:12:23,499 --> 00:12:24,498
Not me.
269
00:12:24,499 --> 00:12:26,498
I hate you
because you're a cunt.
270
00:12:26,499 --> 00:12:29,498
[Laughter]
271
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:31,498
Anthony jeselnik is here.
272
00:12:31,499 --> 00:12:33,498
I'll pause
for a few moments
273
00:12:33,499 --> 00:12:34,498
so those of you at home
274
00:12:34,499 --> 00:12:37,498
can Wikipedia him.
275
00:12:37,499 --> 00:12:41,498
[Laughter]
276
00:12:41,499 --> 00:12:43,498
It's great
you're here, Anthony.
277
00:12:43,499 --> 00:12:44,498
What happened?
278
00:12:44,499 --> 00:12:48,498
Is Daniel tosh busy
getting fisted in key west?
279
00:12:48,499 --> 00:12:50,667
[Laughter]
280
00:12:51,499 --> 00:12:53,498
It's great to see
my old friend Jeffrey Ross
281
00:12:53,499 --> 00:12:56,498
here tonight,
doing what he does best--
282
00:12:56,499 --> 00:13:00,498
sitting and watching
funny people tell jokes.
283
00:13:00,499 --> 00:13:05,498
Wow, Jeff, you're even uglier
than you were last year.
284
00:13:05,499 --> 00:13:07,498
Look at that hair.
Look at that mop.
285
00:13:07,499 --> 00:13:10,499
I've seen better hair
on Susan boyle's taint.
286
00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:12,498
[Laughter]
287
00:13:12,499 --> 00:13:15,498
Don't you laugh
at a hair joke, trump.
288
00:13:15,499 --> 00:13:16,498
Look at that helmet.
289
00:13:16,499 --> 00:13:17,498
What do you say to a barber
290
00:13:17,499 --> 00:13:19,498
to get
that type of hair cut?
291
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:20,498
"I fucked your daughter"?
292
00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:24,498
[Laughter]
293
00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:28,498
Situation
from the Jersey shore.
294
00:13:28,499 --> 00:13:30,498
You're all over television.
295
00:13:30,499 --> 00:13:31,498
And you have a book out.
296
00:13:31,499 --> 00:13:33,499
I tried ordering your book
297
00:13:34,499 --> 00:13:35,498
on Amazon.Com.
298
00:13:35,499 --> 00:13:38,498
Amazon said customers
who bought this book
299
00:13:38,499 --> 00:13:42,498
also bought a rope
and a stool.
300
00:13:42,499 --> 00:13:45,498
[Laughter]
301
00:13:45,499 --> 00:13:49,499
But enough about chachi.
302
00:13:51,499 --> 00:13:54,498
Let's get to the reason
we're all here tonight--
303
00:13:54,499 --> 00:13:56,498
Donald trump.
304
00:13:56,499 --> 00:14:00,498
Donald, tonight, people
will make fun of your looks.
305
00:14:00,499 --> 00:14:01,498
Fuck 'em!
306
00:14:01,499 --> 00:14:03,498
You've always gotten
beautiful women.
307
00:14:03,499 --> 00:14:08,498
You've ruined more models' lives
than bulimia.
308
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:11,498
You've disappointed
more women
309
00:14:11,499 --> 00:14:14,498
than sex and the city 2.
310
00:14:14,499 --> 00:14:16,498
You are the ultimate proof
311
00:14:16,499 --> 00:14:21,498
that money can buy
good-looking pussy.
312
00:14:21,499 --> 00:14:25,498
If you were broke,
you'd be fuckin' me.
313
00:14:25,499 --> 00:14:30,498
[Cheers and applause]
314
00:14:30,499 --> 00:14:34,498
But that's all behind him now.
315
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:39,498
Donald is very happy with his
lovely wife "insert name here."
316
00:14:39,499 --> 00:14:41,498
[Laughter]
I joke.
317
00:14:41,499 --> 00:14:44,498
Donald's wife's name
is melania,
318
00:14:44,499 --> 00:14:47,498
which is slovenian
for "get that wrinkled penis
319
00:14:47,499 --> 00:14:49,499
off of me."
320
00:14:52,499 --> 00:14:55,498
In closing,
I would like to thank you,
321
00:14:55,499 --> 00:14:58,499
Donald trump, for letting me
make fun of you tonight.
322
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:03,498
Mr. trump, you are someone
to be admired.
323
00:15:03,499 --> 00:15:06,498
You have overcome obstacles
to become a huge success.
324
00:15:06,499 --> 00:15:09,498
You've put up
more worthless hotels
325
00:15:09,499 --> 00:15:13,499
than an autistic kid
playing monopoly.
326
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:19,498
Still you have made trump
327
00:15:19,499 --> 00:15:21,498
more than just a name.
328
00:15:21,499 --> 00:15:23,498
You've made it
a brand.
329
00:15:23,499 --> 00:15:26,498
A brand.
Like massengill.
330
00:15:26,499 --> 00:15:29,498
Because you're
a bloated, stinky douche.
331
00:15:29,499 --> 00:15:31,498
Thank you.
Good night.
332
00:15:31,499 --> 00:15:36,498
[Cheers and applause]
333
00:15:36,499 --> 00:15:37,498
- Coming up,
334
00:15:37,499 --> 00:15:39,498
Larry king,
snoop dogg,
335
00:15:39,499 --> 00:15:41,498
Whitney cummings,
the situation,
336
00:15:41,499 --> 00:15:44,498
marlee matlin,
Anthony jeselnik,
337
00:15:44,499 --> 00:15:45,499
and Jeff Ross.
338
00:15:47,271 --> 00:15:52,570
[Cheers and applause]
339
00:15:53,571 --> 00:15:56,570
- Welcome back to
the roast of Donald trump.
340
00:15:56,571 --> 00:15:57,570
Uh, now we do want to
take a quick moment
341
00:15:57,571 --> 00:16:00,570
between cock jokes
to acknowledge the loss
342
00:16:00,571 --> 00:16:02,570
of a brilliant comedian
343
00:16:02,571 --> 00:16:05,570
and one of the all-time
great roasters, Greg giraldo.
344
00:16:05,571 --> 00:16:09,570
[Cheers and applause]
345
00:16:09,571 --> 00:16:11,570
We want to thank him
for all the laughs he brought us
346
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:13,570
and recognize
all the big laughs
347
00:16:13,571 --> 00:16:15,570
that he would have brought us
here tonight.
348
00:16:15,571 --> 00:16:16,570
Greg, we will miss you.
349
00:16:16,571 --> 00:16:22,570
[Cheers and applause]
350
00:16:22,571 --> 00:16:23,571
Well, tonight
we are proud and happy
351
00:16:23,739 --> 00:16:26,570
to be joined by Larry king.
352
00:16:26,571 --> 00:16:28,570
As a TV host, he knew
exactly when to retire,
353
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:31,570
but he stayed
another 20 years anyway.
354
00:16:31,571 --> 00:16:32,570
[Laughter]
355
00:16:32,571 --> 00:16:35,198
He has a spine
like a question mark,
356
00:16:35,571 --> 00:16:36,570
as if his body is asking,
357
00:16:36,571 --> 00:16:38,570
"how did I get seven women
to fuck me?"
358
00:16:38,571 --> 00:16:39,570
[Laughter]
359
00:16:39,571 --> 00:16:42,570
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
360
00:16:42,571 --> 00:16:45,570
a chattering pirate skeleton
on loan from Disneyland,
361
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:48,570
my pal, Larry king.
362
00:16:48,571 --> 00:16:54,571
[Cheers and applause]
363
00:17:02,571 --> 00:17:04,570
- This is my career?
364
00:17:04,571 --> 00:17:06,570
It's come to this?
365
00:17:06,571 --> 00:17:10,570
It's a thrill to be here,
roasting my dear friend.
366
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,570
To prepare for this event,
367
00:17:11,571 --> 00:17:15,570
I read Jeff Ross' book
about roasts.
368
00:17:15,571 --> 00:17:18,570
Jeff, my last pre-nup
was funnier.
369
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:20,570
[Laughter]
370
00:17:20,571 --> 00:17:23,570
And unlike you,
I wrote it myself.
371
00:17:23,571 --> 00:17:26,570
[Laughter]
372
00:17:26,571 --> 00:17:28,570
Let's take some calls.
373
00:17:28,571 --> 00:17:31,570
[Laughs]
374
00:17:31,571 --> 00:17:33,570
[Laughter]
375
00:17:33,571 --> 00:17:35,570
My good friend snoop dogg
said that Jeff's book
376
00:17:35,571 --> 00:17:37,570
was unreadable.
377
00:17:37,571 --> 00:17:40,570
But that's because
snoop can't read.
378
00:17:40,571 --> 00:17:43,570
[Laughter]
379
00:17:43,571 --> 00:17:45,571
If you're just joining us,
by the way,
380
00:17:46,364 --> 00:17:48,570
we're here with
Lisa lumpy belly.
381
00:17:48,571 --> 00:17:51,570
[Laughter]
382
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,570
Lisa is a shock comic,
383
00:17:53,571 --> 00:17:55,570
but only if you
look at her face.
384
00:17:55,571 --> 00:17:57,570
[Laughter]
385
00:17:57,571 --> 00:17:59,570
Turn down your radio!
386
00:17:59,571 --> 00:18:01,570
Coming up in this hour,
387
00:18:01,571 --> 00:18:05,570
we'll talk to Mike
"the situation" sorrentino.
388
00:18:05,571 --> 00:18:08,570
Situation has a new fragrance
out called the sitch,
389
00:18:08,571 --> 00:18:10,570
which is also
what you call yourself
390
00:18:10,571 --> 00:18:13,570
when you can't spell
your own nickname.
391
00:18:13,571 --> 00:18:14,570
[Laughter]
392
00:18:14,571 --> 00:18:17,570
By the way, caller,
you have a question?
393
00:18:17,571 --> 00:18:18,570
[Laughs]
394
00:18:18,571 --> 00:18:20,570
Folks, you've got to
try this garlique.
395
00:18:20,571 --> 00:18:23,570
It goes down easy,
just like Whitney cummings.
396
00:18:23,571 --> 00:18:27,570
[Laughter]
397
00:18:27,571 --> 00:18:28,570
Marlee matlin.
398
00:18:28,571 --> 00:18:30,570
Marlee,
always a pleasure.
399
00:18:30,571 --> 00:18:32,570
What on earth
are you doing here?
400
00:18:32,571 --> 00:18:36,570
You won the academy award
for children of a lesser God,
401
00:18:36,571 --> 00:18:38,570
and then nothing for years.
402
00:18:38,571 --> 00:18:39,570
I don't understand it.
403
00:18:39,571 --> 00:18:42,570
You were so convincing
playing a deaf woman.
404
00:18:42,571 --> 00:18:43,570
[Laughter]
405
00:18:43,571 --> 00:18:46,570
Lansing, Michigan,
you're on the air.
406
00:18:46,571 --> 00:18:49,570
[Laughter]
407
00:18:49,571 --> 00:18:52,570
And now snoop dogg.
I love snoop.
408
00:18:52,571 --> 00:18:56,570
D-o-double-gizzle.
That can't be right.
409
00:18:56,571 --> 00:19:01,570
Snoop told me during the break
that once he had a DNA test
410
00:19:01,571 --> 00:19:04,570
that found he is only
71% black.
411
00:19:04,571 --> 00:19:05,570
Is that true?
412
00:19:05,571 --> 00:19:09,570
Unless my math is wrong,
if you're 71% black,
413
00:19:09,571 --> 00:19:13,570
you're 29% not guilty.
414
00:19:13,571 --> 00:19:16,570
[Laughter]
415
00:19:16,571 --> 00:19:19,570
Congratulations.
416
00:19:19,571 --> 00:19:23,570
Donald trump is not only one of
my oldest and dearest friends,
417
00:19:23,571 --> 00:19:25,570
he's also
an American success story.
418
00:19:25,571 --> 00:19:28,570
When he graduated college, he
put his shoulder to the wheel,
419
00:19:28,571 --> 00:19:30,570
nose to the grindstone,
420
00:19:30,571 --> 00:19:32,570
borrowed $6 million
from his father,
421
00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:34,570
and started a career.
422
00:19:34,571 --> 00:19:36,570
[Laughter]
423
00:19:36,571 --> 00:19:40,570
Donald trump, without a doubt,
you're a New York landmark,
424
00:19:40,571 --> 00:19:42,570
which means it's only
a matter of time
425
00:19:42,571 --> 00:19:43,570
until you bulldoze yourself
426
00:19:43,571 --> 00:19:46,570
to build some gaudy,
tacky monstrosity
427
00:19:46,571 --> 00:19:48,570
and put your name on it.
428
00:19:48,571 --> 00:19:49,570
[Laughter]
429
00:19:49,571 --> 00:19:51,570
We'll be right back.
430
00:19:51,571 --> 00:19:52,570
[Laughter]
431
00:19:52,571 --> 00:19:53,570
[Cheers and applause]
432
00:19:53,571 --> 00:19:56,570
- Great, Larry.
433
00:19:56,571 --> 00:19:58,570
That's great, Larry.
434
00:19:58,571 --> 00:19:59,570
[Cheers and applause]
435
00:19:59,571 --> 00:20:01,570
- Larry king.
436
00:20:01,571 --> 00:20:06,570
Come on.
437
00:20:06,571 --> 00:20:07,570
[Applause]
438
00:20:07,571 --> 00:20:09,571
All right, snoop dogg
is up next.
439
00:20:10,571 --> 00:20:11,570
[Cheers and applause]
440
00:20:11,571 --> 00:20:14,570
That right there was my
impression of the receptionist
441
00:20:14,571 --> 00:20:15,570
at a parole office.
442
00:20:15,571 --> 00:20:22,570
Uh, make way for the most
dangerous man in 1993,
443
00:20:22,571 --> 00:20:23,570
snoop dogg.
444
00:20:23,571 --> 00:20:29,570
[Cheers and applause]
445
00:20:29,571 --> 00:20:32,570
[Hip-hop music playing]
446
00:20:32,571 --> 00:20:35,570
♪
447
00:20:35,571 --> 00:20:37,570
- Seth macfarlane.
448
00:20:37,571 --> 00:20:39,570
Give it up for
Seth macfarlane, y'all.
449
00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:41,570
[Cheers and applause]
450
00:20:41,571 --> 00:20:44,570
Hey, yo, Seth, fyi.
451
00:20:44,571 --> 00:20:47,570
Ain't no niggas
watching the Cleveland show.
452
00:20:47,571 --> 00:20:49,570
[Laughter]
453
00:20:49,571 --> 00:20:53,570
From me to you,
no shit.
454
00:20:53,571 --> 00:20:54,570
I know we're here
to roast Donald trump,
455
00:20:54,571 --> 00:20:56,570
but, uh, I gotta
give a shout out
456
00:20:56,571 --> 00:20:59,570
to my main man, Larry king,
in the motherfuckin' house.
457
00:20:59,571 --> 00:21:01,570
[Cheers and applause]
458
00:21:01,571 --> 00:21:02,570
Larry, you know
how we is.
459
00:21:02,571 --> 00:21:04,571
Larry is cool, but backstage,
I handed him a joint,
460
00:21:05,571 --> 00:21:06,570
and he rubbed bengay
into it.
461
00:21:06,571 --> 00:21:08,570
[Laughter]
462
00:21:08,571 --> 00:21:11,570
We got Lisa lampanelli
in the house.
463
00:21:11,571 --> 00:21:14,570
[Cheers and applause]
464
00:21:14,571 --> 00:21:18,570
Now, let me tell you,
Lisa is a stone cold freak.
465
00:21:18,571 --> 00:21:19,570
[Laughter]
466
00:21:19,571 --> 00:21:22,570
Lisa fucked Larry king,
Don King,
467
00:21:22,571 --> 00:21:25,570
Rodney king,
and Billie Jean king
468
00:21:25,571 --> 00:21:27,570
in a burger king bathroom.
469
00:21:27,571 --> 00:21:29,570
[Laughter]
470
00:21:29,571 --> 00:21:32,570
I mean, this bitch
loves to eat, for real.
471
00:21:32,571 --> 00:21:34,570
If you want to fuck Lisa
doggy style,
472
00:21:34,571 --> 00:21:36,570
all you gotta do is put
a bowl of food on the floor.
473
00:21:36,571 --> 00:21:39,570
[Laughter]
474
00:21:39,571 --> 00:21:43,570
Now trip.
475
00:21:43,571 --> 00:21:45,570
Lisa's had so much sex with
so many different brothers,
476
00:21:45,571 --> 00:21:49,570
we've even gave her rap names
for her fat ass.
477
00:21:49,571 --> 00:21:51,570
Notorious p.I.G.
478
00:21:51,571 --> 00:21:52,570
[Laughter]
479
00:21:52,571 --> 00:21:54,570
You gonna like
this one, Russell.
480
00:21:54,571 --> 00:21:56,570
Ton dmc.
481
00:21:56,571 --> 00:21:57,570
[Laughter]
482
00:21:57,571 --> 00:21:59,570
Busta busta
nut in your face.
483
00:21:59,571 --> 00:22:01,570
[Laughter]
484
00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:02,570
And my favorite,
485
00:22:02,571 --> 00:22:05,570
snoop chili dog
in your motherfuckin' mouth.
486
00:22:05,571 --> 00:22:08,570
[Laughter]
487
00:22:08,571 --> 00:22:10,570
Mm-mm-mm.
488
00:22:10,571 --> 00:22:13,570
Hey, marlee.
Marlee.
489
00:22:13,571 --> 00:22:15,570
You so fine.
490
00:22:15,571 --> 00:22:18,570
Having sex with you would be
like rolling up on someone.
491
00:22:18,571 --> 00:22:20,570
You'd never hear me coming.
492
00:22:20,571 --> 00:22:21,570
[Laughter]
493
00:22:21,571 --> 00:22:23,570
Now trip.
494
00:22:23,571 --> 00:22:25,570
I walked past marlee's
dressing room tonight
495
00:22:25,571 --> 00:22:27,570
when she was, uh,
going over her lines,
496
00:22:27,571 --> 00:22:29,570
and it sounded like someone
was clubbing a seal.
497
00:22:29,571 --> 00:22:32,571
[Laughter]
498
00:22:33,571 --> 00:22:34,570
Whitney cummings.
499
00:22:34,571 --> 00:22:38,570
Look at your fine, little
skinny ass sitting up there.
500
00:22:38,571 --> 00:22:40,570
I roll blunts
fatter than you,
501
00:22:40,571 --> 00:22:42,571
but you've been passed around
a little bit more.
502
00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:44,570
[Laughter]
503
00:22:44,571 --> 00:22:48,570
But right now, things are
popping for Whitney, y'all.
504
00:22:48,571 --> 00:22:50,570
Everybody in Hollywood
is talking about her,
505
00:22:50,571 --> 00:22:52,570
and they all saying
the same thing.
506
00:22:52,571 --> 00:22:54,570
"I think that bitch
gave me herpes."
507
00:22:54,571 --> 00:22:56,571
[Laughter]
508
00:22:57,571 --> 00:22:58,570
This is an ugly business,
man.
509
00:22:58,571 --> 00:23:01,570
I mean, look at Jeff Ross.
510
00:23:01,571 --> 00:23:02,570
[Laughter]
511
00:23:02,571 --> 00:23:05,570
He's one ugly motherfucker.
512
00:23:05,571 --> 00:23:07,570
Now, when Jeff was born,
513
00:23:07,571 --> 00:23:09,570
his mother shit
during the delivery,
514
00:23:09,571 --> 00:23:12,570
and when she looked down,
she thought she had twins.
515
00:23:12,571 --> 00:23:14,570
[Laughter]
516
00:23:14,571 --> 00:23:18,570
That's why he's so corny.
517
00:23:18,571 --> 00:23:21,570
Look at his droopy face,
saggy skin,
518
00:23:21,571 --> 00:23:23,570
rubbery, wet lips.
519
00:23:23,571 --> 00:23:25,570
If Jeff had a string
hanging from his mouth,
520
00:23:25,571 --> 00:23:26,571
he'd look like
Lisa's pussy.
521
00:23:27,571 --> 00:23:29,570
[Laughter]
522
00:23:29,571 --> 00:23:32,570
No, but seriously, though,
I like Jeff, though.
523
00:23:32,571 --> 00:23:33,570
You know why I like Jeff?
524
00:23:33,571 --> 00:23:35,570
'Cause he would do anything
to get a laugh
525
00:23:35,571 --> 00:23:37,570
except say something funny.
526
00:23:37,571 --> 00:23:40,570
[Laughter]
527
00:23:40,571 --> 00:23:41,570
I gotta say
a few more things
528
00:23:41,571 --> 00:23:43,570
about my girl snooki
over there.
529
00:23:43,571 --> 00:23:45,570
[Laughter]
530
00:23:45,571 --> 00:23:47,570
Oh, that ain't snooki?
531
00:23:47,571 --> 00:23:49,570
Oh, my bad.
I'm sorry.
532
00:23:49,571 --> 00:23:52,570
All white people who act black
look alike to me.
533
00:23:52,571 --> 00:23:53,570
Sorry.
534
00:23:53,571 --> 00:24:00,570
[Cheers and applause]
535
00:24:00,571 --> 00:24:04,570
So, uh, the situation's
a rapper now, huh?
536
00:24:04,571 --> 00:24:06,570
Shit, I heard his rhymes.
537
00:24:06,571 --> 00:24:10,570
The best thing you ever spit was
Seth macfarlane's jizz-izzle.
538
00:24:10,571 --> 00:24:14,570
[Laughter]
539
00:24:14,571 --> 00:24:16,570
Check out your hair,
your shaved chest,
540
00:24:16,571 --> 00:24:17,570
your plucked eyebrows.
541
00:24:17,571 --> 00:24:19,570
There used to be a word
for guys like you,
542
00:24:19,571 --> 00:24:22,570
and that word was "gay."
543
00:24:22,571 --> 00:24:24,570
[Laughter]
544
00:24:24,571 --> 00:24:26,570
I guess that's
still the word.
545
00:24:26,571 --> 00:24:29,570
[Laughter]
546
00:24:29,571 --> 00:24:32,570
Hey, man, stop lifting your
shirt up like a prison bitch,
547
00:24:32,571 --> 00:24:33,570
or else go out on the corner
548
00:24:33,571 --> 00:24:34,570
and get me some
motherfuckin' money
549
00:24:34,571 --> 00:24:36,570
before I go upside your head
with this coat hanger.
550
00:24:36,571 --> 00:24:41,570
[Cheers and applause]
551
00:24:41,571 --> 00:24:45,570
Now, it's time to talk
about the real player--
552
00:24:45,571 --> 00:24:48,570
don Juan, Donald trump,
the Donald.
553
00:24:48,571 --> 00:24:50,570
[Cheers and applause]
554
00:24:50,571 --> 00:24:52,072
Now, from me to you,
Donald,
555
00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:53,570
I wish I had half
of your money.
556
00:24:53,571 --> 00:24:56,570
But for that, you need
a 20-year-old's pussy
557
00:24:56,571 --> 00:24:57,570
and a divorce lawyer.
558
00:24:57,571 --> 00:24:58,570
[Laughter]
559
00:24:58,571 --> 00:25:00,570
Now, I may not have
half his paper,
560
00:25:00,571 --> 00:25:03,570
but I got twice the dick,
and you can believe that.
561
00:25:03,571 --> 00:25:05,570
[Laughter]
562
00:25:05,571 --> 00:25:07,570
But on the real, though,
563
00:25:07,571 --> 00:25:09,570
I'd love to fuck
one of trump's ex-wives
564
00:25:09,571 --> 00:25:12,570
just to know what it's like
to come into money.
565
00:25:12,571 --> 00:25:14,570
[Laughter]
566
00:25:14,571 --> 00:25:15,570
- Whoo!
567
00:25:15,571 --> 00:25:17,570
[Cheers and applause]
568
00:25:17,571 --> 00:25:21,570
Donald say he wants to run
for, uh, president
569
00:25:21,571 --> 00:25:22,570
and move on
into the white house.
570
00:25:22,571 --> 00:25:23,570
Why not?
571
00:25:23,571 --> 00:25:25,570
It wouldn't be
the first time
572
00:25:25,571 --> 00:25:27,570
he pushed a black family
out of their home.
573
00:25:27,571 --> 00:25:30,570
[Laughter]
574
00:25:30,571 --> 00:25:36,570
[Cheers and applause]
575
00:25:36,571 --> 00:25:38,570
But on the real, though.
576
00:25:38,571 --> 00:25:40,570
Donald, you know I got
love for you, man,
577
00:25:40,571 --> 00:25:41,570
and some real shit,
and I ain't playin'.
578
00:25:41,571 --> 00:25:44,570
From one pimp to another,
much respect.
579
00:25:44,571 --> 00:25:45,570
Keep banking that scrilla,
580
00:25:45,571 --> 00:25:48,570
and after the show,
come by my dressing room.
581
00:25:48,571 --> 00:25:49,571
I got a couple
19-year-olds in there,
582
00:25:49,697 --> 00:25:51,570
some sticky icky icky,
583
00:25:51,571 --> 00:25:53,864
and I'll get you so high
that you'll fire yourself
584
00:25:54,571 --> 00:25:56,570
and put my name on
the motherfuckin' towers.
585
00:25:56,571 --> 00:25:57,570
I'm out.
586
00:25:57,571 --> 00:25:59,570
[Cheers and applause]
587
00:25:59,571 --> 00:26:04,570
- Well done, snoop.
Great job. Great.
588
00:26:04,571 --> 00:26:08,570
[Cheers and applause]
589
00:26:08,571 --> 00:26:10,570
- Coming up,
Whitney cummings,
590
00:26:10,571 --> 00:26:12,570
marlee matlin,
and the situation.
591
00:26:14,258 --> 00:26:18,557
[Cheers and applause]
592
00:26:19,358 --> 00:26:21,557
- Our next roaster,
Whitney cummings,
593
00:26:21,558 --> 00:26:23,557
can be seen this summer
in her one-woman show,
594
00:26:23,558 --> 00:26:26,557
how to succeed in businesswithout really swallowing.
595
00:26:26,558 --> 00:26:29,557
[Laughter]
596
00:26:29,558 --> 00:26:30,557
She's got the body
of a crack whore,
597
00:26:30,558 --> 00:26:33,557
but she's got the razor-sharp
wit of a crack whore.
598
00:26:33,558 --> 00:26:36,557
[Laughter]
599
00:26:36,558 --> 00:26:39,557
Now, some people say Whitney
struggles with bulimia,
600
00:26:39,558 --> 00:26:41,557
but I'd--I'd say she's
actually pretty good at it.
601
00:26:41,558 --> 00:26:43,557
[Laughter]
602
00:26:43,558 --> 00:26:46,557
Please welcome
the drag queen of mean,
603
00:26:46,558 --> 00:26:48,557
Whitney cummings.
604
00:26:48,558 --> 00:26:52,558
[Cheers and applause]
605
00:26:57,558 --> 00:27:00,557
- Wow. Keep it going
for homo Simpson.
606
00:27:00,558 --> 00:27:03,557
[Laughter]
607
00:27:03,558 --> 00:27:04,557
I don't even know
where to start.
608
00:27:04,558 --> 00:27:05,557
I guess I'll start
with Larry king,
609
00:27:05,558 --> 00:27:09,477
because, I don't know,
tick-tock.
610
00:27:09,558 --> 00:27:12,557
Um, Larry king,
you have had a heart attack,
611
00:27:12,558 --> 00:27:15,557
bypass surgery,
you have heart disease,
612
00:27:15,558 --> 00:27:18,557
and you recently got stents
placed in your coronary artery.
613
00:27:18,558 --> 00:27:20,557
Take a hint--
God wants you to die.
614
00:27:20,558 --> 00:27:23,557
[Laughter]
615
00:27:23,558 --> 00:27:25,557
The situation
is here tonight.
616
00:27:25,558 --> 00:27:26,557
This is actually
very exciting for me.
617
00:27:26,558 --> 00:27:27,557
[Cheers and applause]
Yeah, clap it up.
618
00:27:27,558 --> 00:27:29,557
I actually love
the Jersey shore.
619
00:27:29,558 --> 00:27:31,557
The Jersey shore cast
is Italian,
620
00:27:31,558 --> 00:27:33,557
but at first I thought
that they were Mexican
621
00:27:33,558 --> 00:27:35,558
because they're so tan and
they're always doing laundry.
622
00:27:36,558 --> 00:27:40,557
[Laughter]
623
00:27:40,558 --> 00:27:43,557
The situation,
you are ridiculous.
624
00:27:43,558 --> 00:27:44,557
What is it with
that spiky hair?
625
00:27:44,558 --> 00:27:46,557
Your hair is so black
and fried,
626
00:27:46,558 --> 00:27:48,557
Lisa doesn't know whether
to eat it or fuck it.
627
00:27:48,558 --> 00:27:50,557
[Laughter]
628
00:27:50,558 --> 00:27:54,557
And you need to stop tanning
right now, Mr. situation.
629
00:27:54,558 --> 00:27:57,557
You are so orange,
snoop dogg should be wearing you
630
00:27:57,558 --> 00:28:00,557
while he's on his knees,
blowing his cellmate.
631
00:28:00,558 --> 00:28:02,934
[Laughter]
632
00:28:03,558 --> 00:28:04,557
Whoo!
633
00:28:04,558 --> 00:28:05,557
People make fun
of the situation.
634
00:28:05,558 --> 00:28:07,557
They make fun of the fact
that he's always
635
00:28:07,558 --> 00:28:09,557
lifting up his shirt
to show his abs.
636
00:28:09,558 --> 00:28:10,557
I endorse it.
637
00:28:10,558 --> 00:28:11,557
In fact, Mr. situation,
638
00:28:11,558 --> 00:28:13,557
I suggest you lift up
your shirt even higher
639
00:28:13,558 --> 00:28:16,557
so that it covers
this situation.
640
00:28:16,558 --> 00:28:17,557
[Laughter]
641
00:28:17,558 --> 00:28:23,557
[Cheers and applause]
642
00:28:23,558 --> 00:28:25,557
Snoop dogg is, of course,
here. Hilarious.
643
00:28:25,558 --> 00:28:27,557
A round of applause
for snoop.
644
00:28:27,558 --> 00:28:28,557
Come on,
that was hilarious.
645
00:28:28,558 --> 00:28:30,557
[Cheers and applause]
646
00:28:30,558 --> 00:28:33,557
Snoop, you have butchered the
English language in your music.
647
00:28:33,558 --> 00:28:34,557
You have two gs
in the word "dog."
648
00:28:34,558 --> 00:28:37,557
You use izzle and fizzle
at the end of everything.
649
00:28:37,558 --> 00:28:39,557
You speak worse English
than marlee matlin.
650
00:28:39,558 --> 00:28:41,557
[Laughter]
651
00:28:41,558 --> 00:28:43,557
Lisa lampanelli is here.
652
00:28:43,558 --> 00:28:45,557
Lisa, thanks for making time
to be here.
653
00:28:45,558 --> 00:28:46,557
I know you're very busy
654
00:28:46,558 --> 00:28:48,557
starring in
i didn't know I was pregnant.
655
00:28:48,558 --> 00:28:52,557
[Laughter]
656
00:28:52,558 --> 00:28:56,557
Anthony jeselnik is making his
first appearance on the roasts.
657
00:28:56,558 --> 00:28:57,557
This is the first time someone
has lost their virginity
658
00:28:57,558 --> 00:28:59,557
around Donald trump
659
00:28:59,558 --> 00:29:01,557
without him having to promise
them American citizenship.
660
00:29:01,558 --> 00:29:05,557
[Laughter]
661
00:29:05,558 --> 00:29:07,557
[Cheers and applause]
662
00:29:07,558 --> 00:29:10,557
And now for the man of the hour,
Donald trump, everybody.
663
00:29:10,558 --> 00:29:12,557
Give him
a round of applause.
664
00:29:12,558 --> 00:29:15,557
[Cheers and applause]
Come on.
665
00:29:15,558 --> 00:29:18,557
Donald trump, you are known
for your terrible haircut,
666
00:29:18,558 --> 00:29:20,557
and now I can see why.
667
00:29:20,558 --> 00:29:21,557
Your hair sucks.
668
00:29:21,558 --> 00:29:24,557
You look like Justin bieber
caught on fire.
669
00:29:24,558 --> 00:29:26,557
[Laughter]
670
00:29:26,558 --> 00:29:27,557
You're obviously
very rich.
671
00:29:27,558 --> 00:29:30,557
Donald trump is literally
rolling in dough,
672
00:29:30,558 --> 00:29:31,557
which means
he knows what it's like
673
00:29:31,558 --> 00:29:32,557
to fuck Lisa lampanelli.
674
00:29:32,558 --> 00:29:36,557
[Laughter]
675
00:29:36,558 --> 00:29:39,557
Donald, you are gross,
nobody likes you,
676
00:29:39,558 --> 00:29:40,557
but you come back
every couple years
677
00:29:40,558 --> 00:29:41,557
and nobody knows why.
678
00:29:41,558 --> 00:29:43,557
You're like the mcrib.
679
00:29:43,558 --> 00:29:46,557
[Laughter]
680
00:29:46,558 --> 00:29:50,557
You got melania a huge 12-carat
diamond engagement ring.
681
00:29:50,558 --> 00:29:51,557
You should not have
gotten her a diamond.
682
00:29:51,558 --> 00:29:54,557
Now she knows what hard
is supposed to feel like.
683
00:29:54,558 --> 00:29:57,557
[Audience ohs]
684
00:29:57,558 --> 00:30:00,557
- Whoo! Yeah!
685
00:30:00,558 --> 00:30:03,557
- You recently said that you
wanted to run for president.
686
00:30:03,558 --> 00:30:04,557
That is such
a publicity stunt.
687
00:30:04,558 --> 00:30:06,557
If I wanted to support
a greedy whore
688
00:30:06,558 --> 00:30:08,557
who's pretending to run
for president
689
00:30:08,558 --> 00:30:11,557
just to get on TV,
I'd vote for Sarah Palin.
690
00:30:11,558 --> 00:30:15,557
[Cheers and applause]
691
00:30:15,558 --> 00:30:17,557
I'd say stick to
your real estate,
692
00:30:17,558 --> 00:30:19,557
but all of your buildings
are hideous.
693
00:30:19,558 --> 00:30:21,557
The Taj Mahal in New Jersey
is horrible.
694
00:30:21,558 --> 00:30:22,557
There hasn't been
a shithole that big
695
00:30:22,558 --> 00:30:24,557
on the shores of New Jersey
696
00:30:24,558 --> 00:30:26,557
since the situation took it
to the ass from pauly d.
697
00:30:26,558 --> 00:30:29,557
[Laughter]
698
00:30:29,558 --> 00:30:32,557
[Cheers and applause]
699
00:30:32,558 --> 00:30:34,557
Donald, you're also,
of course, responsible
700
00:30:34,558 --> 00:30:36,557
for that awful show,
the apprentice.
701
00:30:36,558 --> 00:30:39,557
The worst part of that show
is having to stare at your face.
702
00:30:39,558 --> 00:30:40,557
Your face is
so big and bloated
703
00:30:40,558 --> 00:30:41,558
with such a bad hairpiece,
704
00:30:42,558 --> 00:30:43,558
I'm surprised it's not married
to Kelly Preston,
705
00:30:44,558 --> 00:30:45,558
pretending not to be gay.
706
00:30:46,558 --> 00:30:47,557
[Laughter]
707
00:30:47,558 --> 00:30:50,557
[Cheers and applause]
708
00:30:50,558 --> 00:30:52,557
Ah!
709
00:30:52,558 --> 00:30:53,557
On your show,
the apprentice,
710
00:30:53,558 --> 00:30:56,557
you have had nene leakes
from the real housewives,
711
00:30:56,558 --> 00:30:58,557
brande roderick,
and Lisa rinna.
712
00:30:58,558 --> 00:31:01,557
You've given more uneducated
whores on-camera jobs
713
00:31:01,558 --> 00:31:03,557
than fox news.
714
00:31:03,558 --> 00:31:08,557
[Cheers and applause]
715
00:31:08,558 --> 00:31:10,557
Well, Donald,
thank you so much
716
00:31:10,558 --> 00:31:11,557
for letting us
roast you tonight.
717
00:31:11,558 --> 00:31:12,557
You're such a good sport.
718
00:31:12,558 --> 00:31:13,557
And you're actually
pretty handsome,
719
00:31:13,558 --> 00:31:15,557
when I see you up close,
720
00:31:15,558 --> 00:31:17,557
so if you ever want
a fourth wife,
721
00:31:17,558 --> 00:31:18,557
hit me up on Facebook.
722
00:31:18,558 --> 00:31:21,557
I love you guys.
Thank you so much, New York.
723
00:31:21,558 --> 00:31:27,557
[Cheers and applause]
724
00:31:27,558 --> 00:31:31,558
- Up next, the situation,
marlee matlin, and Jeff Ross.
725
00:31:34,386 --> 00:31:38,185
[Cheers and applause]
726
00:31:39,286 --> 00:31:40,685
- Welcome back
to the roast.
727
00:31:40,686 --> 00:31:43,685
You know, this is a big
milestone for the situation,
728
00:31:43,686 --> 00:31:44,686
because tonight is
the official beginning
729
00:31:45,146 --> 00:31:50,685
of his 15th
minute of fame.
730
00:31:50,686 --> 00:31:51,685
Now...
731
00:31:51,686 --> 00:31:52,685
A lot of people
laughed at him for
732
00:31:52,686 --> 00:31:54,685
hooking up with
his co-star snooki.
733
00:31:54,686 --> 00:31:55,685
But, you know,
Italians are known
734
00:31:55,686 --> 00:31:58,686
for grinding organs
with monkeys.
735
00:32:01,686 --> 00:32:04,685
No need to clap,
he already has it.
736
00:32:04,686 --> 00:32:06,686
Please welcome
the situation.
737
00:32:16,686 --> 00:32:20,685
- Thanks, Jeff.
[Laughing]
738
00:32:20,686 --> 00:32:21,686
- [Laughing]
739
00:32:23,686 --> 00:32:25,685
- Can you
believe this guy?
740
00:32:25,686 --> 00:32:28,685
With his capped teeth,
his hair products,
741
00:32:28,686 --> 00:32:30,685
and his fake tan?
742
00:32:30,686 --> 00:32:31,685
I mean...
743
00:32:31,686 --> 00:32:34,685
You're actually
looking good, bra.
744
00:32:34,686 --> 00:32:36,685
Now I know a lot
of you people are
745
00:32:36,686 --> 00:32:37,686
here tonight
to watch everyone
746
00:32:38,686 --> 00:32:41,685
shit on the dumb guy that all
the Italians are ashamed of
747
00:32:41,686 --> 00:32:42,685
and disgusted by.
748
00:32:42,686 --> 00:32:44,685
You know,
749
00:32:44,686 --> 00:32:47,685
Lisa lampanelli.
750
00:32:47,686 --> 00:32:50,685
Backstage she took my hand
and shoved it down her pants,
751
00:32:50,686 --> 00:32:54,685
and I pulled out
Larry king's teeth!
752
00:32:54,686 --> 00:32:56,685
And snoop's
two source awards.
753
00:32:56,686 --> 00:32:58,685
[Chuckling]
754
00:32:58,686 --> 00:33:00,685
Whitney,
what's your deal?
755
00:33:00,686 --> 00:33:02,685
You look like the chicks
I used to bang
756
00:33:02,686 --> 00:33:08,685
before I had
all this money.
757
00:33:08,686 --> 00:33:09,685
- Do it,
baby, do it!
758
00:33:09,686 --> 00:33:11,685
- You're a chick, right?
759
00:33:11,686 --> 00:33:13,685
- Yeah.
760
00:33:13,686 --> 00:33:15,685
- On the Jersey shore, we
call ugly chicks "grenades."
761
00:33:15,686 --> 00:33:18,685
But, uh, I actually
wouldn't call you a grenade,
762
00:33:18,686 --> 00:33:22,686
'cause you're not
blowing up any time soon.
763
00:33:24,686 --> 00:33:26,685
Hey, uh...
764
00:33:26,686 --> 00:33:29,685
[Cheers and applause]
765
00:33:29,686 --> 00:33:31,685
Hey, Jeff Ross.
What's up, man?
766
00:33:31,686 --> 00:33:33,685
- What's up, buddy?
767
00:33:33,686 --> 00:33:35,685
- Jeff, me and you have
a lot in common, buddy.
768
00:33:35,686 --> 00:33:37,685
- What's that?
- We're both from Jersey.
769
00:33:37,686 --> 00:33:40,686
And tonight's my
first night doing comedy.
770
00:33:41,686 --> 00:33:44,685
Well...
771
00:33:44,686 --> 00:33:45,685
- It's also
your last night,
772
00:33:45,686 --> 00:33:46,685
just so you know.
773
00:33:46,686 --> 00:33:49,686
[Cheers and applause]
774
00:33:51,686 --> 00:33:54,685
- All right,
all right.
775
00:33:54,686 --> 00:33:55,685
Enough of that, enough.
776
00:33:55,686 --> 00:33:56,685
All right,
all right.
777
00:33:56,686 --> 00:33:58,685
I see you lookin'
at me over there,
778
00:33:58,686 --> 00:34:00,685
Anthony jezzle-nut.
I know you're a little hater.
779
00:34:00,686 --> 00:34:03,685
But I know you're
a funny dude as well.
780
00:34:03,686 --> 00:34:06,685
'Cause the other night I told
one of your super-funny jokes
781
00:34:06,686 --> 00:34:09,685
to a supermodel,
and she was laughing...
782
00:34:09,686 --> 00:34:10,685
While I was bangin'
her brains out
783
00:34:10,686 --> 00:34:12,685
with a pile of money
on the floor
784
00:34:12,686 --> 00:34:13,686
of my motherfuckin'
mansion.
785
00:34:19,686 --> 00:34:21,685
So I got nothing
against you, man.
786
00:34:21,686 --> 00:34:22,685
I got nothing
against you.
787
00:34:22,686 --> 00:34:25,685
Because she's, like, the fifth
model this week to do that,
788
00:34:25,686 --> 00:34:26,685
so...
789
00:34:26,686 --> 00:34:27,685
You know what
I'm saying, right?
790
00:34:27,686 --> 00:34:29,685
Maybe not.
All right.
791
00:34:29,686 --> 00:34:30,685
[Crowd booing]
792
00:34:30,686 --> 00:34:32,685
Oh, boo.
793
00:34:32,686 --> 00:34:34,685
Now let's get to
the real situation.
794
00:34:34,686 --> 00:34:36,685
My man,
Donald trump.
795
00:34:36,686 --> 00:34:38,685
- Whoo!
796
00:34:38,686 --> 00:34:40,685
- Yeah, baby.
797
00:34:40,686 --> 00:34:44,685
- I mean, look at him.
He's pimping.
798
00:34:44,686 --> 00:34:49,685
Not a lot of guys can pull off
wearing a hat like that.
799
00:34:49,686 --> 00:34:50,685
People are
hating on him
800
00:34:50,686 --> 00:34:51,686
because chump is
always firing people.
801
00:34:52,686 --> 00:34:54,685
But it's kinda okay,
'cause he
802
00:34:54,686 --> 00:34:58,685
completely let
himself go anyway.
803
00:34:58,686 --> 00:34:59,685
Donald...
804
00:34:59,686 --> 00:35:01,685
[Crowd booing]
805
00:35:01,686 --> 00:35:03,685
- Hey, whoa,
hey, chill!
806
00:35:03,686 --> 00:35:04,685
You know what, Donald?
807
00:35:04,686 --> 00:35:07,685
You got the tan,
you got the laundry down.
808
00:35:07,686 --> 00:35:10,685
But you gotta hit
the gym, pork chop.
809
00:35:10,686 --> 00:35:12,685
But Donald.
810
00:35:12,686 --> 00:35:14,685
I like how you roll.
811
00:35:14,686 --> 00:35:15,685
I've seen pictures
of your house.
812
00:35:15,686 --> 00:35:19,685
Everything in your
house is gold.
813
00:35:19,686 --> 00:35:20,685
Who the fuck decorated
your house,
814
00:35:20,686 --> 00:35:22,685
flavor flav's dentist?
815
00:35:22,686 --> 00:35:24,685
I'll say this, though.
816
00:35:24,686 --> 00:35:25,685
Your wife is hot.
817
00:35:25,686 --> 00:35:28,685
The best part is,
she married you for love.
818
00:35:28,686 --> 00:35:29,685
Yup.
819
00:35:29,686 --> 00:35:30,685
[Crowd booing]
820
00:35:30,686 --> 00:35:31,686
She loves money.
821
00:35:31,896 --> 00:35:33,685
[Crowd booing]
822
00:35:33,686 --> 00:35:34,685
Oh!
823
00:35:34,686 --> 00:35:35,685
Hey, what are
you gonna do?
824
00:35:35,686 --> 00:35:39,685
Heeeeeeeeeey!
825
00:35:39,686 --> 00:35:41,685
- Come on, let him
do his thing, come on.
826
00:35:41,686 --> 00:35:43,685
Let him do--look.
827
00:35:43,686 --> 00:35:45,685
- All right.
828
00:35:45,686 --> 00:35:47,685
Donald trump,
you're a baller.
829
00:35:47,686 --> 00:35:48,685
You're a shot-caller.
830
00:35:48,686 --> 00:35:51,685
You run the game and give
the buildings your name.
831
00:35:51,686 --> 00:35:52,685
You're the real deal.
832
00:35:52,686 --> 00:35:55,685
And I hope some day
I can roll chump style.
833
00:35:55,686 --> 00:35:57,685
- You called him "chump,"
not trump.
834
00:35:57,686 --> 00:35:59,685
It's trump.
835
00:35:59,686 --> 00:36:01,685
You said, "Donald chump."
- Really?
836
00:36:01,686 --> 00:36:03,685
Well, maybe comedy ain't
my game right now, but--
837
00:36:03,686 --> 00:36:05,685
- it's all right.
- Why don't you finish it off?
838
00:36:05,686 --> 00:36:06,685
- Could I just
show them something?
839
00:36:06,686 --> 00:36:07,685
Could I just show
them something?
840
00:36:07,686 --> 00:36:11,685
- Sure, show them.
- You know the situation?
841
00:36:11,686 --> 00:36:14,685
- Yeah.
842
00:36:14,686 --> 00:36:18,685
That--that definitely is
the situation right there.
843
00:36:18,686 --> 00:36:20,685
They call me
"the saturation."
844
00:36:20,686 --> 00:36:22,685
[Crowd laughs]
845
00:36:22,686 --> 00:36:23,685
- Or...Or...You know what?
846
00:36:23,686 --> 00:36:25,685
Actually,
"the catastrophe."
847
00:36:25,686 --> 00:36:27,685
But thanks for
letting me here tonight.
848
00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:28,685
Thank you.
849
00:36:28,686 --> 00:36:31,685
And before I go, real quick.
I gotta say one more thing.
850
00:36:31,686 --> 00:36:32,685
Mr. trump,
851
00:36:32,686 --> 00:36:35,685
I think you should
run for president.
852
00:36:35,686 --> 00:36:39,685
I probably really mean
that's a stupid idea.
853
00:36:39,686 --> 00:36:42,686
[Cheers and applause]
854
00:36:46,686 --> 00:36:49,686
- Coming up, Anthony jeselnik
and marlee matlin.
855
00:36:57,323 --> 00:37:00,523
- All right, we wanna thank the
pope for that marvelous speech.
856
00:37:06,223 --> 00:37:07,722
Holy shit.
857
00:37:07,723 --> 00:37:10,722
All right,
let's, uh...
858
00:37:10,723 --> 00:37:12,722
Let's be honest.
859
00:37:12,723 --> 00:37:14,642
Our next roaster,
Anthony jeselnik
860
00:37:14,723 --> 00:37:18,723
is here because
Greg giraldo is dead.
861
00:37:20,723 --> 00:37:21,722
Well, tonight...
862
00:37:21,723 --> 00:37:24,722
Anthony jeselnik is going to
leave his stamp on the roast.
863
00:37:24,723 --> 00:37:29,722
And tomorrow, he's gonna
use that stamp to buy food.
864
00:37:29,723 --> 00:37:34,723
So please give a nice,
warm meal to Anthony jeselnik.
865
00:37:43,723 --> 00:37:44,516
- Thank you.
866
00:37:44,723 --> 00:37:46,723
Oh, Seth mcfarlane,
everybody.
867
00:37:51,723 --> 00:37:52,722
You know, at first
I thought Seth
868
00:37:52,723 --> 00:37:54,722
was just famous for
the family guy.
869
00:37:54,723 --> 00:37:56,722
But then I did
some research,
870
00:37:56,723 --> 00:37:59,723
and he's actually
not famous at all.
871
00:38:03,723 --> 00:38:04,722
You know...
872
00:38:04,723 --> 00:38:08,722
They say you only
roast the ones you love.
873
00:38:08,723 --> 00:38:13,722
So this is
gonna be short.
874
00:38:13,723 --> 00:38:15,722
It's been a rough
year for comedy.
875
00:38:15,723 --> 00:38:19,722
Not only did the world
lose Greg giraldo...
876
00:38:19,723 --> 00:38:25,722
[Cheers and applause]
877
00:38:25,723 --> 00:38:26,722
But even worse...
878
00:38:26,723 --> 00:38:29,723
It kept Jeff Ross.
879
00:38:33,723 --> 00:38:34,849
You know, Ross, you've been
doing this for a long time, man.
880
00:38:35,723 --> 00:38:37,722
I mean, Jeff Ross has
been roasting people since
881
00:38:37,723 --> 00:38:40,722
Whitney cummings was nothing
but a glint in the eye
882
00:38:40,723 --> 00:38:43,723
of the man who
raped her mother.
883
00:38:48,723 --> 00:38:50,723
You know, Whitney cummings
is one of the hottest acts
884
00:38:51,516 --> 00:38:54,723
in show business right now
for no reason whatsoever.
885
00:38:56,723 --> 00:38:58,723
I mean, Whitney has had more
undeserved opportunities
886
00:38:59,723 --> 00:39:02,723
than a native-American
applying for college.
887
00:39:06,723 --> 00:39:08,722
I mean, look
at this dais.
888
00:39:08,723 --> 00:39:14,722
You've got a pimp, a murderer,
a drug-dealer, a pornographer,
889
00:39:14,723 --> 00:39:18,723
and then eight
white people.
890
00:39:32,723 --> 00:39:33,722
Larry king is here.
891
00:39:33,723 --> 00:39:35,722
Larry's been married
eight times.
892
00:39:35,723 --> 00:39:38,722
Eight times.
Jesus, man.
893
00:39:38,723 --> 00:39:42,723
You've got 99 problems,
and bitches are all of them.
894
00:39:48,723 --> 00:39:50,722
Larry king
is so old,
895
00:39:50,723 --> 00:39:55,723
he's actually one of
the Jews that killed Christ.
896
00:40:03,723 --> 00:40:07,722
Of course, making fun of
Larry king for being old
897
00:40:07,723 --> 00:40:11,722
is like making fun of
marlee matlin for being deaf.
898
00:40:11,723 --> 00:40:17,722
It's fun.
899
00:40:17,723 --> 00:40:19,722
Marlee matlin.
900
00:40:19,723 --> 00:40:21,722
Are you even
listening to me?
901
00:40:21,723 --> 00:40:26,722
- What?
What?
902
00:40:26,723 --> 00:40:28,722
- It's good to see you
here tonight, marlee.
903
00:40:28,723 --> 00:40:31,722
I was actually shocked
904
00:40:31,723 --> 00:40:32,722
to find out that you won
best actress
905
00:40:32,723 --> 00:40:34,722
at the academy awards
906
00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:38,723
and not the
special Olympics.
907
00:40:42,723 --> 00:40:45,723
Lisa lampanelli,
908
00:40:45,766 --> 00:40:49,722
you're cool.
909
00:40:49,723 --> 00:40:54,722
- [Laughing]
910
00:40:54,723 --> 00:40:56,722
- Mike sorrentino.
911
00:40:56,723 --> 00:41:00,722
Great job, by the way.
912
00:41:00,723 --> 00:41:03,723
[Cheers and applause]
913
00:41:08,723 --> 00:41:10,722
Mike, you're doing
really well right now.
914
00:41:10,723 --> 00:41:11,722
You've got a ton of
endorsement deals.
915
00:41:11,723 --> 00:41:14,722
You've got a cologne.
A vodka.
916
00:41:14,723 --> 00:41:16,722
A workout video.
917
00:41:16,723 --> 00:41:18,722
I mean, you've got
your name on everything.
918
00:41:18,723 --> 00:41:21,723
Except a
high school diploma.
919
00:41:24,723 --> 00:41:26,722
And sitch, I don't wanna tell
you how to live your life, man.
920
00:41:26,723 --> 00:41:30,722
But if you spent half as
much time reading books
921
00:41:30,723 --> 00:41:33,722
as you do
chasing skanks,
922
00:41:33,723 --> 00:41:35,722
you probably
wouldn't have aids.
923
00:41:35,723 --> 00:41:38,723
- Snoop!
Yo...Snoop!
924
00:41:41,723 --> 00:41:42,723
Snoop!
925
00:41:44,723 --> 00:41:46,722
- And now for
the man of the hour,
926
00:41:46,723 --> 00:41:50,723
Mr. Donald trump.
927
00:41:52,723 --> 00:41:55,722
Donald, you've got
a great sense of humor.
928
00:41:55,723 --> 00:41:56,722
You've been so happy
to embarrass yourself
929
00:41:56,723 --> 00:42:02,723
on Saturday night live
and the casino business.
930
00:42:08,723 --> 00:42:12,722
You know, Donald trump
is such a douche bag,
931
00:42:12,723 --> 00:42:15,722
that if you look up the word
douche bag in the dictionary,
932
00:42:15,723 --> 00:42:19,722
there's a picture
of Spencer Pratt.
933
00:42:19,723 --> 00:42:21,722
But if you look close,
934
00:42:21,723 --> 00:42:25,723
Spencer Pratt is holding up
a picture of Donald trump.
935
00:42:31,723 --> 00:42:34,722
And Donald, I'm not even
sure if you're aware of this,
936
00:42:34,723 --> 00:42:35,723
but the only
difference between you
937
00:42:36,723 --> 00:42:39,722
and Michael Douglas from
the movie wall street
938
00:42:39,723 --> 00:42:43,722
is that no one's gonna be
sad when you get cancer.
939
00:42:43,723 --> 00:42:47,723
[Audience ohs]
940
00:42:56,723 --> 00:42:58,722
- Of course, Mr. trump,
941
00:42:58,723 --> 00:43:01,722
despite everything
I just said,
942
00:43:01,723 --> 00:43:03,722
you're a great sport
for being here.
943
00:43:03,723 --> 00:43:05,722
Thank you for
letting me be here too.
944
00:43:05,723 --> 00:43:07,722
Thank you very much.
945
00:43:07,723 --> 00:43:09,723
[Cheers and applause]
946
00:43:13,723 --> 00:43:18,023
- Coming up, marlee matlin,
Jeff Ross, and Donald trump.
947
00:43:21,501 --> 00:43:26,800
[Cheers and applause]
948
00:43:27,501 --> 00:43:28,800
- All right.
What can be said
949
00:43:28,801 --> 00:43:30,800
about our next roaster,
marlee matlin?
950
00:43:30,801 --> 00:43:34,800
Virtually anything,
'cause she can't hear shit.
951
00:43:34,801 --> 00:43:36,800
She appeared
on the l word,
952
00:43:36,801 --> 00:43:38,800
where she portrayed
a deaf lesbian.
953
00:43:38,801 --> 00:43:41,800
In fact, marlee has become
a hero among deaf lesbians
954
00:43:41,801 --> 00:43:44,801
or, as they prefer
to be called, earmuffs.
955
00:43:48,801 --> 00:43:52,801
Please welcome my good pal,
marlee matlin.
956
00:44:05,801 --> 00:44:06,800
- Well, thank you.
957
00:44:06,801 --> 00:44:08,800
As you can see,
I'll be speaking
958
00:44:08,801 --> 00:44:10,800
with the help
of my signer this evening,
959
00:44:10,801 --> 00:44:12,800
and to be honest,
960
00:44:12,801 --> 00:44:14,800
I'm a little self-conscious
about my voice.
961
00:44:14,801 --> 00:44:17,800
Because I've been told
by thousands of people
962
00:44:17,801 --> 00:44:18,800
that when I speak
963
00:44:18,801 --> 00:44:22,801
it sounds like Whitney cummings
with a dick in her mouth.
964
00:44:33,801 --> 00:44:36,800
I guess I'm the perfect choice
for this roast,
965
00:44:36,801 --> 00:44:37,800
because like the situation,
966
00:44:37,801 --> 00:44:41,801
I, too, have never heard
the sound of laughter.
967
00:44:52,801 --> 00:44:54,800
In fact, the deaf community
has a special sign
968
00:44:54,801 --> 00:44:57,800
for everyone up here
on the dais tonight.
969
00:44:57,801 --> 00:44:59,801
Snoop dogg.
970
00:45:02,885 --> 00:45:04,801
The situation.
971
00:45:07,801 --> 00:45:08,800
Anthony jeselnik.
Whatever.
972
00:45:08,801 --> 00:45:12,800
I don't even know who he is.
973
00:45:12,801 --> 00:45:13,801
Larry king.
974
00:45:17,801 --> 00:45:19,801
Seth macfarlane.
975
00:45:24,801 --> 00:45:26,801
Whitney cummings.
976
00:45:30,801 --> 00:45:33,801
Lisa lampanelli.
977
00:45:39,801 --> 00:45:41,800
And of course, over there
978
00:45:41,801 --> 00:45:44,800
is the legendary roastmaster
general Jeff Ross.
979
00:45:44,801 --> 00:45:46,800
Can you believe
that he actually asked me out?
980
00:45:46,801 --> 00:45:50,801
I said, "Jeff, I'm deaf,
not blind!"
981
00:45:53,801 --> 00:45:55,800
I have to say,
982
00:45:55,801 --> 00:45:57,800
it's such a thrill to be
up here with an esteemed peer
983
00:45:57,801 --> 00:45:59,800
like Lisa lampanelli.
984
00:45:59,801 --> 00:46:02,800
I won the Oscar
for best actress.
985
00:46:02,801 --> 00:46:07,801
And Lisa won best in breed
at the county fair.
986
00:46:10,801 --> 00:46:12,800
Not many people know this,
987
00:46:12,801 --> 00:46:16,800
but I replaced her
on the l word.
988
00:46:16,801 --> 00:46:18,800
Apparently, the only way
she would eat pussy
989
00:46:18,801 --> 00:46:21,801
is if it had
French fries in it.
990
00:46:23,801 --> 00:46:24,800
Marlee, I can't do this
anymore!
991
00:46:24,801 --> 00:46:26,801
She's an Oscar-winning
actress and--I can't do this.
992
00:46:27,801 --> 00:46:29,800
I'm outta here.
See you later!
993
00:46:29,801 --> 00:46:30,800
[Applause]
994
00:46:30,801 --> 00:46:32,800
- What? I...
995
00:46:32,801 --> 00:46:34,800
Can anyone else
speak for me?
996
00:46:34,801 --> 00:46:36,800
Can you talk for me?
Hello?
997
00:46:36,801 --> 00:46:39,801
- I might be of assistance!
998
00:46:57,801 --> 00:47:00,800
I will be happy to sign
999
00:47:00,801 --> 00:47:03,800
for the great marlee matlin!
1000
00:47:03,801 --> 00:47:06,800
Ah, the hammerstein ballroom.
1001
00:47:06,801 --> 00:47:10,800
Speaking of ballroom,
Mr. trump,
1002
00:47:10,801 --> 00:47:13,801
how are those spanx
holding up?
1003
00:47:15,801 --> 00:47:21,800
As a developer, Donald trump
has done so much damage
1004
00:47:21,801 --> 00:47:23,800
to the New York skyline,
1005
00:47:23,801 --> 00:47:26,800
instead of calling him
the Donald,
1006
00:47:26,801 --> 00:47:30,800
they should call him
the 20th hijacker!
1007
00:47:30,801 --> 00:47:33,800
[Audience ohs]
1008
00:47:33,801 --> 00:47:36,800
- Too soon!
1009
00:47:36,801 --> 00:47:38,801
- Donald always says
1010
00:47:39,801 --> 00:47:41,800
money can't buy happiness.
1011
00:47:41,801 --> 00:47:47,800
But it can buy the best
eastern European whores
1012
00:47:47,801 --> 00:47:51,801
New York City has to offer!
1013
00:47:55,801 --> 00:47:59,800
Donald has told
many a tale
1014
00:47:59,801 --> 00:48:02,800
of vivacious walkers
of the night
1015
00:48:02,801 --> 00:48:07,800
and their mystical
extra hole!
1016
00:48:07,801 --> 00:48:10,800
They come from
a faraway land
1017
00:48:10,801 --> 00:48:16,800
to suck the blood
and ill-gotten bank accounts
1018
00:48:16,801 --> 00:48:21,800
from wealthy
but stupid billionaires.
1019
00:48:21,801 --> 00:48:24,800
Tell us, oh, great trump,
1020
00:48:24,801 --> 00:48:27,800
where are these women
of who you speak
1021
00:48:27,801 --> 00:48:32,800
who possess
the coveted fourth hole?
1022
00:48:32,801 --> 00:48:35,800
For we shall not rest
1023
00:48:35,801 --> 00:48:38,800
until we have all experienced
1024
00:48:38,801 --> 00:48:42,800
the pleasure
of the four-hole
1025
00:48:42,801 --> 00:48:45,800
eastern European whores
1026
00:48:45,801 --> 00:48:51,801
that are currently doing blow
in your dressing room.
1027
00:48:58,801 --> 00:49:02,800
Did I get that right?
1028
00:49:02,801 --> 00:49:04,801
[Cheers and applause]
1029
00:49:08,801 --> 00:49:10,800
- Sounds good to me.
1030
00:49:10,801 --> 00:49:13,800
- Thank you, Mr. trump.
1031
00:49:13,801 --> 00:49:15,800
You're the best.
1032
00:49:15,801 --> 00:49:18,800
This has been
a real thrill for me.
1033
00:49:18,801 --> 00:49:21,800
It's not often
you get a boss
1034
00:49:21,801 --> 00:49:25,800
that can laugh at himself.
1035
00:49:25,801 --> 00:49:28,801
- Now, please stop
staring at my tits.
1036
00:49:35,801 --> 00:49:39,501
- Up next,
Jeff Ross and Donald trump.
1037
00:49:48,456 --> 00:49:50,855
- Our final roaster
of the night, Jeff Ross,
1038
00:49:50,856 --> 00:49:53,855
is one of the fattest names
in comedy.
1039
00:49:53,856 --> 00:49:55,855
Whenever he walks out
on stage,
1040
00:49:55,856 --> 00:49:59,855
my first instinct is to hurl
an angry bird at him.
1041
00:49:59,856 --> 00:50:01,855
Please welcome
1042
00:50:01,856 --> 00:50:05,856
the roastmaster general,
Jeff Ross.
1043
00:50:12,856 --> 00:50:14,855
- Well...
1044
00:50:14,856 --> 00:50:15,855
This is exciting, trump.
1045
00:50:15,856 --> 00:50:18,855
Are you having a good time?
- Good time.
1046
00:50:18,856 --> 00:50:21,856
- All right, well,
tell your face.
1047
00:50:26,856 --> 00:50:28,855
All right, I love this.
Russell Simmons, man.
1048
00:50:28,856 --> 00:50:32,855
It's great to see you, man.
Very cool guy right there.
1049
00:50:32,856 --> 00:50:35,855
Salute you and all you've done.
1050
00:50:35,856 --> 00:50:39,856
Are you here to sign marlee
matlin to def comedy jam?
1051
00:50:44,856 --> 00:50:45,855
And if you're just
tuning in, folks,
1052
00:50:45,856 --> 00:50:49,855
this is not a memorial
for Larry king.
1053
00:50:49,856 --> 00:50:52,855
Larry, I love you.
You been a great sport tonight.
1054
00:50:52,856 --> 00:50:54,856
Give him some love.
1055
00:50:56,856 --> 00:51:00,855
The former hunchback of CNN.
1056
00:51:00,856 --> 00:51:04,856
His first caller
was Alexander Graham bell.
1057
00:51:06,856 --> 00:51:08,855
I love you, buddy.
And Larry king live.
1058
00:51:08,856 --> 00:51:11,856
Even the title
was an oxymoron.
1059
00:51:12,856 --> 00:51:15,855
The first time Larry
covered an uprising in Egypt,
1060
00:51:15,856 --> 00:51:19,855
he interviewed Moses.
1061
00:51:19,856 --> 00:51:21,855
Larry asked him if he thought
the whole thing
1062
00:51:21,856 --> 00:51:25,855
was a pyramid scheme.
1063
00:51:25,856 --> 00:51:27,855
I love Larry.
He recently quit his show.
1064
00:51:27,856 --> 00:51:31,856
He plans on spending
his retirement opening a jar.
1065
00:51:36,856 --> 00:51:37,855
Since our last roast,
1066
00:51:37,856 --> 00:51:40,855
the comedy world
has lost a great friend,
1067
00:51:40,856 --> 00:51:41,855
Gary Coleman.
1068
00:51:41,856 --> 00:51:43,855
[Laughter]
1069
00:51:43,856 --> 00:51:46,855
He died recently
from multiple aneurysms,
1070
00:51:46,856 --> 00:51:49,856
which is kinda like
different strokes.
1071
00:51:52,856 --> 00:51:54,856
To Gary Coleman.
1072
00:51:58,856 --> 00:52:00,855
Whitney cummings
is back again.
1073
00:52:00,856 --> 00:52:01,855
Some of you may recognize her
1074
00:52:01,856 --> 00:52:04,856
from her porn name,
Whitney cummings.
1075
00:52:09,856 --> 00:52:10,855
Whitney's so busy these days,
1076
00:52:10,856 --> 00:52:13,855
currently
working on three pilots.
1077
00:52:13,856 --> 00:52:16,856
And that was
just on the flight in.
1078
00:52:18,856 --> 00:52:24,855
Whitney, thanks for yelling
your act at us like always.
1079
00:52:24,856 --> 00:52:28,856
This was the first time
marlee's glad she's deaf.
1080
00:52:29,856 --> 00:52:32,855
Actually, what an amazing
woman, this marlee--
1081
00:52:32,856 --> 00:52:34,856
wasn't she funny tonight?
That was awesome.
1082
00:52:35,107 --> 00:52:36,855
[Cheers and applause]
1083
00:52:36,856 --> 00:52:39,855
That killed.
Wow.
1084
00:52:39,856 --> 00:52:43,855
First deaf
Oscar-winning actress.
1085
00:52:43,856 --> 00:52:44,855
You know what?
And I met her before the show,
1086
00:52:44,856 --> 00:52:47,856
and I gotta tell you people,
what a cunt!
1087
00:52:55,856 --> 00:52:57,855
I love ya, snoop.
1088
00:52:57,856 --> 00:52:58,855
Snoop dogg,
he's smoked so much weed,
1089
00:52:58,856 --> 00:53:00,855
he actually had to write
a song called,
1090
00:53:00,856 --> 00:53:03,856
hey, what's mymotherfuckin' name?
1091
00:53:09,856 --> 00:53:11,855
Lisa lampanelli.
1092
00:53:11,856 --> 00:53:13,855
Lisa's vagina is so big
and full of black dudes,
1093
00:53:13,856 --> 00:53:16,855
trump's turning it into
a housing project.
1094
00:53:16,856 --> 00:53:19,855
Good idea, right, buddy?
1095
00:53:19,856 --> 00:53:21,856
- Not bad.
1096
00:53:25,856 --> 00:53:27,855
- You know, Lisa...
1097
00:53:27,856 --> 00:53:29,855
Her vagina is so beat up,
1098
00:53:29,856 --> 00:53:31,855
its nickname is rihanna.
1099
00:53:31,856 --> 00:53:34,856
All: Oh!
1100
00:53:37,856 --> 00:53:40,855
For some reason, Donald,
the situation is here for ya.
1101
00:53:40,856 --> 00:53:43,856
I'm looking forward
to the cancellation.
1102
00:53:45,856 --> 00:53:49,855
[Cheering]
1103
00:53:49,856 --> 00:53:51,855
You're the best.
1104
00:53:51,856 --> 00:53:53,855
I hear the next season
of the Jersey shore
1105
00:53:53,856 --> 00:53:55,855
is gonna be shot in Italy,
is that right?
1106
00:53:55,856 --> 00:53:59,856
I hope that's just
a sneaky way of deporting you.
1107
00:54:01,856 --> 00:54:04,855
Oh, he's all right.
He's all right.
1108
00:54:04,856 --> 00:54:07,855
Let's talk about this guy,
the guest of honor,
1109
00:54:07,856 --> 00:54:10,855
my friend the great one,
Donald trump, everybody.
1110
00:54:10,856 --> 00:54:13,855
[Cheers and applause]
1111
00:54:13,856 --> 00:54:15,855
You like my trumpadour?
1112
00:54:15,856 --> 00:54:18,855
- Looks good.
- Thank you.
1113
00:54:18,856 --> 00:54:20,855
Trying to honor you
in every way I can.
1114
00:54:20,856 --> 00:54:22,855
But Donald and I
have a lot in common.
1115
00:54:22,856 --> 00:54:25,855
We both live in New York.
We both play golf.
1116
00:54:25,856 --> 00:54:29,856
We both fantasize
about his daughter.
1117
00:54:33,856 --> 00:54:35,855
Ivanka, you're the most
beautiful woman in New York.
1118
00:54:35,856 --> 00:54:37,855
You really are.
Give her a round of applause.
1119
00:54:37,856 --> 00:54:38,856
She's awesome.
1120
00:54:43,856 --> 00:54:45,855
Donald,
doesn't it drive you crazy
1121
00:54:45,856 --> 00:54:47,855
that you'll never build
anything as high
1122
00:54:47,856 --> 00:54:50,856
as me and snoop right now?
1123
00:54:53,856 --> 00:54:56,855
'Cause Donald's ego
is so big,
1124
00:54:56,856 --> 00:54:58,855
he videotapes himself
masturbating
1125
00:54:58,856 --> 00:55:01,856
and then masturbates
to that video.
1126
00:55:04,856 --> 00:55:06,855
Donald trump
is such an egomaniac,
1127
00:55:06,856 --> 00:55:08,855
he makes Hitler seem like
he wasn't completely sure
1128
00:55:08,856 --> 00:55:11,856
how he felt about
Jewish people.
1129
00:55:13,856 --> 00:55:16,855
Melania, you look
so beautiful tonight.
1130
00:55:16,856 --> 00:55:19,856
Give her a round of applause.
She's been a good sport.
1131
00:55:21,856 --> 00:55:22,855
So gorgeous.
1132
00:55:22,856 --> 00:55:25,855
These two are so compatible
1133
00:55:25,856 --> 00:55:29,855
because they both yell out
Donald's name when they climax.
1134
00:55:29,856 --> 00:55:32,856
[High voice] "Donald!"
[Low voice] "Donald!"
1135
00:55:33,856 --> 00:55:35,855
And now you're gonna
run for president.
1136
00:55:35,856 --> 00:55:37,855
Don't you think that's
a really cool idea, you guys?
1137
00:55:37,856 --> 00:55:40,855
You'll keep 'em honest.
You'll keep 'em honest, Donald.
1138
00:55:40,856 --> 00:55:42,855
Personally, I hope you win,
1139
00:55:42,856 --> 00:55:44,855
because I can't wait
for the assassina--
1140
00:55:44,856 --> 00:55:47,856
I mean, the inauguration.
1141
00:55:50,856 --> 00:55:52,855
Donald trump,
by sitting here tonight
1142
00:55:52,856 --> 00:55:53,855
and letting us do this,
1143
00:55:53,856 --> 00:55:56,855
you proved
to every American voter
1144
00:55:56,856 --> 00:55:59,855
that you have thick skin,
that you can take a joke,
1145
00:55:59,856 --> 00:56:00,855
that you are a man
of the people.
1146
00:56:00,856 --> 00:56:02,855
And no matter
what happens with the election,
1147
00:56:02,856 --> 00:56:06,855
you will always be
the king of New York City.
1148
00:56:06,856 --> 00:56:08,856
[Cheers and applause]
1149
00:56:10,856 --> 00:56:11,855
Greg giraldo,
roast in peace.
1150
00:56:11,856 --> 00:56:15,855
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
1151
00:56:15,856 --> 00:56:17,856
- Fantastic. Great job.
1152
00:56:19,856 --> 00:56:21,355
- Up next...
1153
00:56:21,656 --> 00:56:23,255
Donald trump fires back.
1154
00:56:26,567 --> 00:56:29,867
[Cheers and applause]
1155
00:56:31,867 --> 00:56:33,866
- And now...
1156
00:56:34,167 --> 00:56:35,866
At long last,
1157
00:56:35,867 --> 00:56:37,866
we're going to see something
very unusual.
1158
00:56:37,867 --> 00:56:39,866
Donald trump is gonna
get up in front of cameras
1159
00:56:39,867 --> 00:56:42,866
and talk about himself.
1160
00:56:42,867 --> 00:56:44,866
But before that happens,
1161
00:56:44,867 --> 00:56:48,867
I wanna see you all
in the boardroom.
1162
00:56:49,827 --> 00:56:52,866
Donald, I would love to fire
you off this roast tonight
1163
00:56:52,867 --> 00:56:54,866
because someone needs to be
held accountable
1164
00:56:54,867 --> 00:56:57,866
for this hour and a half
we can never get back.
1165
00:56:57,867 --> 00:56:59,866
And I know what
you're gonna say.
1166
00:56:59,867 --> 00:57:01,866
You're gonna blame your team.
1167
00:57:01,867 --> 00:57:03,866
And believe me,
they are the worst,
1168
00:57:03,867 --> 00:57:05,866
most incompetent
bungling group of losers
1169
00:57:05,867 --> 00:57:08,867
I've ever seen.
1170
00:57:10,867 --> 00:57:12,866
But Donald, it is
your brand that's at stake.
1171
00:57:12,867 --> 00:57:15,866
So get on up here
and defend your legacy.
1172
00:57:15,867 --> 00:57:17,866
Defend yourself.
1173
00:57:17,867 --> 00:57:22,866
As a man who was born with
a silver stick in his ass...
1174
00:57:22,867 --> 00:57:27,866
A man who has everything
except human emotions...
1175
00:57:27,867 --> 00:57:28,866
A man who, in addition
to everything
1176
00:57:28,867 --> 00:57:30,866
that's been said about him
tonight,
1177
00:57:30,867 --> 00:57:34,866
has also done
a lot of gay stuff...
1178
00:57:34,867 --> 00:57:35,866
Ladies and gentlemen,
1179
00:57:35,867 --> 00:57:37,866
Donald j. Trump.
1180
00:57:37,867 --> 00:57:40,866
- ♪ The best things
in life are free ♪
1181
00:57:40,867 --> 00:57:43,866
♪ but you can give them
to the birds and bees ♪
1182
00:57:43,867 --> 00:57:45,866
♪ I need money
- ♪ that's
1183
00:57:45,867 --> 00:57:47,866
♪ what I want
1184
00:57:47,867 --> 00:57:48,866
- ♪ that's what I want
1185
00:57:48,867 --> 00:57:50,866
- ♪ that's what
I want ♪
1186
00:57:50,867 --> 00:57:52,866
- ♪ that's what I want
1187
00:57:52,867 --> 00:57:55,866
- wow.
1188
00:57:55,867 --> 00:57:58,866
- ♪ That's what I want
1189
00:57:58,867 --> 00:58:01,866
- thank you.
1190
00:58:01,867 --> 00:58:04,866
What a great honor
it must be
1191
00:58:04,867 --> 00:58:08,866
for you
to honor me tonight.
1192
00:58:08,867 --> 00:58:13,866
Especially here where
I've made my name and fortune,
1193
00:58:13,867 --> 00:58:16,867
New York City,
great place.
1194
00:58:19,867 --> 00:58:21,866
Now, I know what
you're thinking.
1195
00:58:21,867 --> 00:58:23,866
Mr. trump, sir...
1196
00:58:23,867 --> 00:58:27,866
Why would you ever
do this roast?
1197
00:58:27,867 --> 00:58:29,866
Honestly, it was worth it,
1198
00:58:29,867 --> 00:58:33,866
because it's all going
to charity,
1199
00:58:33,867 --> 00:58:36,867
and they paid a lot,
believe me.
1200
00:58:39,867 --> 00:58:42,866
But the truth is,
I specifically hand-picked
1201
00:58:42,867 --> 00:58:46,866
these recession-era
basic cable nobodies
1202
00:58:46,867 --> 00:58:50,866
so that the city I love,
1203
00:58:50,867 --> 00:58:52,866
the city that never sleeps,
1204
00:58:52,867 --> 00:58:56,867
could finally get
a well-deserved nap.
1205
00:58:58,867 --> 00:59:01,866
This dais
is the perfect metaphor
1206
00:59:01,867 --> 00:59:05,866
for where America stands
today.
1207
00:59:05,867 --> 00:59:07,867
Look at our economy.
1208
00:59:08,867 --> 00:59:10,867
Barely moving.
Gasping for air.
1209
00:59:11,867 --> 00:59:14,866
And desperately
clinging to life.
1210
00:59:14,867 --> 00:59:17,866
Very much like Larry king.
1211
00:59:17,867 --> 00:59:20,866
The only difference is,
1212
00:59:20,867 --> 00:59:22,866
with Larry,
1213
00:59:22,867 --> 00:59:25,866
we have a never-ending
supply of gas.
1214
00:59:25,867 --> 00:59:27,866
Never ends.
1215
00:59:27,867 --> 00:59:30,866
This great country of ours
1216
00:59:30,867 --> 00:59:34,866
was built on its
entrepreneurial spirit,
1217
00:59:34,867 --> 00:59:37,866
and that spirit
is best demonstrated
1218
00:59:37,867 --> 00:59:41,866
by none other than my friend
snoop dogg.
1219
00:59:41,867 --> 00:59:43,866
[Applause]
1220
00:59:43,867 --> 00:59:45,867
His is a tale
1221
00:59:46,867 --> 00:59:49,866
of do-rags to riches.
1222
00:59:49,867 --> 00:59:51,866
It's true.
It's true.
1223
00:59:51,867 --> 00:59:54,866
He's very proud of that.
1224
00:59:54,867 --> 00:59:56,866
That's why I'm so happy
to see snoop
1225
00:59:56,867 --> 01:00:01,866
sitting up here
next to his former rival...
1226
01:00:01,867 --> 01:00:03,867
Biggie smalls,
right here.
1227
01:00:09,867 --> 01:00:11,867
I want to talk about
one of the women on the dais.
1228
01:00:12,867 --> 01:00:14,866
This amazing lady struggles
1229
01:00:14,867 --> 01:00:18,866
with a seemingly insurmountable
physical handicap.
1230
01:00:18,867 --> 01:00:23,866
I speak, of course,
of Whitney cummings.
1231
01:00:23,867 --> 01:00:25,866
Whitney's career is crippled
1232
01:00:25,867 --> 01:00:27,867
by her foul mouth.
1233
01:00:28,867 --> 01:00:29,866
To hear that filthy language
1234
01:00:29,867 --> 01:00:33,866
from someone
so marginally attractive
1235
01:00:33,867 --> 01:00:36,867
is, frankly, very unpleasant.
1236
01:00:39,867 --> 01:00:43,867
Lisa--
or as I call her, miss usda--
1237
01:00:48,867 --> 01:00:51,866
I want you to be a judge
1238
01:00:51,867 --> 01:00:54,867
at my next
miss universe pageant.
1239
01:00:57,867 --> 01:00:58,866
You're perfect.
1240
01:00:58,867 --> 01:01:00,866
Because like the universe,
1241
01:01:00,867 --> 01:01:05,867
you're constantly expanding
and filled with dark matter.
1242
01:01:12,867 --> 01:01:16,866
But there are some things
that have brought shame
1243
01:01:16,867 --> 01:01:18,866
upon this great land of ours.
1244
01:01:18,867 --> 01:01:20,866
Besides Lisa.
1245
01:01:20,867 --> 01:01:22,866
I speak of the atrocities
1246
01:01:22,867 --> 01:01:26,866
that we as a nation
must endure,
1247
01:01:26,867 --> 01:01:30,866
like the Jersey shore.
1248
01:01:30,867 --> 01:01:36,866
A piece of advice,
my greasy friend.
1249
01:01:36,867 --> 01:01:38,866
You don't need to put
1250
01:01:38,867 --> 01:01:41,866
all of that product
in your hair.
1251
01:01:41,867 --> 01:01:43,866
You just don't.
1252
01:01:43,867 --> 01:01:47,866
Look how great my hair looks,
and I don't use anything.
1253
01:01:47,867 --> 01:01:49,866
And it looks very good.
1254
01:01:49,867 --> 01:01:53,866
What's the difference
between a wet raccoon
1255
01:01:53,867 --> 01:01:56,866
and Donald j. Trump's hair?
1256
01:01:56,867 --> 01:01:59,866
A wet raccoon doesn't have
1257
01:01:59,867 --> 01:02:03,867
7 billion fuckin' dollars
in the bank.
1258
01:02:06,867 --> 01:02:09,866
Very funny.
Okay. Very funny.
1259
01:02:09,867 --> 01:02:13,866
America is going through
tough times,
1260
01:02:13,867 --> 01:02:16,866
and we all need to laugh.
1261
01:02:16,867 --> 01:02:18,867
True.
1262
01:02:20,867 --> 01:02:23,866
I know that better days
are ahead.
1263
01:02:23,867 --> 01:02:25,866
If we believe in ourselves
1264
01:02:25,867 --> 01:02:28,866
and the way I believe
in myself--
1265
01:02:28,867 --> 01:02:31,866
and I really do
believe in myself--
1266
01:02:31,867 --> 01:02:35,866
then come June,
if I decide to run,
1267
01:02:35,867 --> 01:02:38,866
you'll have the great pleasure
1268
01:02:38,867 --> 01:02:40,866
of voting for the man
1269
01:02:40,867 --> 01:02:43,866
that will easily go down
1270
01:02:43,867 --> 01:02:45,866
as the greatest president
1271
01:02:45,867 --> 01:02:48,866
in the history
of the United States.
1272
01:02:48,867 --> 01:02:51,866
Me--Donald John trump.
1273
01:02:51,867 --> 01:02:54,867
God bless America,
and good night!
1274
01:02:55,867 --> 01:02:58,867
Good night.
1275
01:03:00,867 --> 01:03:03,866
- ♪ Money money money money
1276
01:03:03,867 --> 01:03:04,866
♪ money
1277
01:03:04,867 --> 01:03:07,866
♪ money money money money
1278
01:03:07,867 --> 01:03:10,866
♪ money
1279
01:03:10,867 --> 01:03:12,866
♪ money money money money
1280
01:03:12,867 --> 01:03:14,866
♪ money
1281
01:03:14,867 --> 01:03:17,866
♪ money money money money
1282
01:03:17,867 --> 01:03:18,866
♪ money
1283
01:03:18,867 --> 01:03:21,867
captioning by captionmax
www.Captionmax.Com
1284
01:03:25,781 --> 01:03:27,980
- Not only is Donald trump's
skin orange.
1285
01:03:27,981 --> 01:03:28,980
It's also thick.
1286
01:03:28,981 --> 01:03:29,980
- It was a great experience.
1287
01:03:29,981 --> 01:03:30,980
A rough evening for me--
1288
01:03:30,981 --> 01:03:32,980
a rough, rough evening--
1289
01:03:32,981 --> 01:03:34,980
but a lot of money
is going to charity
1290
01:03:34,981 --> 01:03:35,980
because of this evening,
1291
01:03:35,981 --> 01:03:36,980
so I took it for charity.
1292
01:03:36,981 --> 01:03:38,980
- We had all of the above.
We had nothing but love.
1293
01:03:38,981 --> 01:03:40,980
It was comedy.
It was laughter.
1294
01:03:40,981 --> 01:03:41,980
It was fun-filled.
1295
01:03:41,981 --> 01:03:43,980
- This is the roast
of the situation.
1296
01:03:43,981 --> 01:03:45,980
- The situation was great.
We love him.
1297
01:03:45,981 --> 01:03:46,980
- You're a good sport
for coming to a roast.
1298
01:03:46,981 --> 01:03:48,980
- You got to give it
to marlee, you know?
1299
01:03:48,981 --> 01:03:50,980
She's a trooper for coming
out here in the first place,
1300
01:03:50,981 --> 01:03:51,980
and she's hilarious.
1301
01:03:51,981 --> 01:03:52,980
- You were amazing.
1302
01:03:52,981 --> 01:03:53,980
- The only joke I might regret
1303
01:03:53,981 --> 01:03:55,980
is making fun of marlee matlin
a little too hard.
1304
01:03:55,981 --> 01:03:58,980
She's such a beautiful,
awesome woman.
1305
01:03:58,981 --> 01:03:59,980
But overall, it was a blast.
1306
01:03:59,981 --> 01:04:01,980
- I would never say
stuff like that,
1307
01:04:01,981 --> 01:04:04,980
but marlee is, uh,
a pervert.
1308
01:04:04,981 --> 01:04:07,980
- The whole night was one
of the funnest roasts ever.
1309
01:04:07,981 --> 01:04:09,980
It was a party.
1310
01:04:09,981 --> 01:04:10,481
Yeah.
93592
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