Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce a legend in our industry.

She's the most successful president in the history of our network,

and for the past five years has kept us at the very top of the ratings.

She's our maverick, our wild card,

and today she's gonna take us right to the edge.

Please welcome a giant, a genius,

and the hardest-working person in television, Joanna Eberhart.

Way to go, Joanna!

Thank you all so much. Thank you.

Joanna!

That feels good, especially coming from such a fantastic group of people

from all across our great nation, our network affiliates.

Give yourselves a great big hand. You deserve it.

And I want a big, fat Christmas bonus.

Just kidding, but not really, because...

...I am so excited, I am so on fire, I am so guts-and-glory passionate

about what I am about to show you.

So get ready because on Monday nights,

the whole world will be watching a man, a woman, and a buzzer!

Are you ready for the final gender challenge?

-Who makes more money? -I do.

Who enters Ironman triathlons every year and wins?

I do.

Who secretly wishes they were married to a hot, sexy lesbian?

-I do! -I do!

It's Tara!

And on Thursdays...

No, this is not just a TV show.

No, this is a breakthrough, a breakout, a break-all-the-rules,

and bring-on-the-Emmys mega-smash!

Yes!

Can I present to you this planet's ultimate reality phenomenon...

...I Can Do Better!

We will all be right there

as happily-married couples are flown first class

to a tropical island paradise

where they will be completely surrounded by professional prostitutes.

And at the end of the week... Well, let's take a peek.

Well, it's been a week, and Hank, our personnel manager from Omaha,

has spent the entire seven days with Vanessa,

our call-girl and exotic dancer.

Yeah, it's been amazing.

And I'll admit we've had some fun in the hot tub and all.

But you wanna know something, Billy?

All we did was talk because I love my wife,

and the only place I want to be is back in Omaha with my Barbara.

Tough break, Nessa.

And Barbara, you spent Monday with Rocky, our bodybuilder and male escort,

Tuesday through Thursday with the entire cast

of the XXX film Hung Jury,

and you spent the entire weekend with Tonkiro.

And now it's time for the final decision. Barbara, it's yours to make.

Is it gonna be Omaha?

Or Oma-hunks?

Well...

Before I came on this show, I only had sex with one man...

...and that was usually Hank.

I love Hank deeply and forever with all my heart,

and I would never do anything to hurt him.

But I can do better!

The battle of the sexes, as old as time but as...

Why?

-Excuse me? -Why did you do it?

Oh, my God, it's Hank from I Can Do Better!

Hank, everyone.

No, stop it.

I love Barbara. I had a family. I had a life.

Hank, I know it hurts.

Love isn't easy.

Relationships aren't easy, not for anyone.

But now you know the truth about Barbara,

and you are gonna move on with your life.

And you're gonna meet someone wonderful, and America is gonna love you.

Yeah. I've got a great idea for another hot new show.

Well, tell it to us.

It's called...

-...Let's Kill All the Women. -He's got a gun!

-Joanna, are you all right? -I am great.

Raring to go. The police were sensational.

And not a scratch.

-You haven't heard? -About what?

That man, Hank. Right before he tried to kill you,

he went to see his ex-wife and five of her new boyfriends.

-He did? -He shot all of them.

The wife is in critical condition, and four of the guys are on life support.

-Tonkiro? -He's fine.

-Thank God. -So you know what this means.

Of course.

We pay for all of their medical treatment, every penny.

We get them the very best therapists, childcare, rehab,

whatever they need, and then we fly them to New York, first class,

for a prime-time special...

...Hank and Barbara: Let the Healing Begin.

You're not listening.

We can't wear this.

The lawsuits alone may bankrupt the network.

And all your new shows, the whole lineup,

the affiliates won't touch them.

We have shareholders.

We can't let you sink the network.

But we wish you only the best.

Of course.

Thank you for being so classy and taking this so well.

Joanna, we just wanted to say that this is so not fair.

Goodbye, everybody!

All the best!

Jo?

Walter.

What happened?

Well, you've had a complete nervous collapse.

And the doctors say there's a lot of work to do,

but you're gonna be just fine.

Oh, and Pete made this for you.

-Oh, that's so sweet. -Isn't it?

And I wanted you to know that the minute I heard the news,

I called the network and I quit.

-You did that for me? -Of course.

I know I was only a vice president,

but I could never work for those people, not after the way they treated you.

Oh, Walter.

And do you remember what today is?

It's our anniversary.

Oh, Walter.

I'm so sorry.

Maybe that man who tried to shoot me, maybe he was right.

Maybe I've become the wrong kind of woman.

Maybe I've made all of the wrong decisions.

Could we get away and start over?

And get it right, our marriage?

-But why are we moving? -To Connecticut?

We're moving so that we can all kick back and have a great new life

in this beautiful new town.

-Name? -Kresby.

-Welcome to Stepford. -Thanks.

-What do you think, guys? -Cool.

-Good. -Honey?

Hello, everyone. I'm Mrs. Wellington.

Welcome to Stepford.

I'm with Stepford Realty. We spoke on the phone.

-You must be Walter. -So nice to meet you in person.

And the little ones.

I bet you're Pete.

-Duh. -Pete.

And he's every bit as handsome as his dad.

Thank you.

And Kimberly, aren't you just the cutest little bug's ear.

Bugs don't have ears.

Isn't she sassy, and a little sad.

And this must be Joanna.

-Electroshock? -But she's doing great.

Hello, little Energizer.

The minute Walter called, I knew this was the perfect house for you.

It's the top of the line here at Stepford Estates,

and it's got everything an American family could ever need.

-And may I present to you... -Look at this. This is amazing.

...the great room.

I call it cozy.

And it's also a smart house. Now, this controls the security system.

-All secure. -It talks to the refrigerator.

We need juice, we need juice, we need juice.

The system also monitors all the commodes.

Where it will test your urine for blood sugar, protein, and body fat.

Flush toilets.

Isn't that great, kids?

-I'm gonna go check my room. -Me, too.

Now, Walter, will you be commuting?

No.

No, Joanna and I both left the network.

Oh, look, it's the puppy.

Robo Rover 3000. Come on, boy. Come on, come on, come on.

Joanna!

The town is over 200 years old.

It was founded by George Washington, and Martha just loved it.

Stepford is Connecticut's family paradise.

It has no crime, no poverty, and no pushing.

What is that? Up on the hill?

Well, that's our Stepford Men's Association.

Where all our wonderful guys can get together and stay out of our hair.

Am I right?

-Where do the women go? -To the Simply Stepford Day Spa.

-Good morning, ladies. -Good morning, Claire.

I would like you all to welcome our newest citizen to Stepford, Joanna.

Good morning, Joanna.

-Are we ready to work out? -Oh, yes.

Places and poles, please.

Wait, you work out dressed like this?

Well, of course.

Whatever we do, we always want to look our very best.

I mean, why, imagine if our husbands saw us

in worn, dark, urban sweat clothes

with stringy hair and almost no makeup?

Oh, good heavens.

Now, today you are in for a special treat

because we are working on a series of exercises,

which I've personally invented based on simple household tasks.

I call my program Clairobics.

Because her name is Claire.

All right, now it's time to slim and scrub.

Let's all be washing machines. And...

And...

Come on, Joanna.

Spin cycle, ladies, and...

And...

And...

And...

-Sweet. -Oh yeah, oh yeah. Who's the man?

You the man.

Thank you, dear.

Walter?

-Hey, how you doing? -Walter Kresby.

-Good to see you. -Ted Van Sant.

I'm Stan Peters. Come on in, come on in.

-Mike said you were coming. -Nice to see you.

Come on in.

Hear ye, hear ye. Come one, come all, and happy Fourth of July.

At 1:30 will be the children's Stars and Stripes, face painting...

Isn't this great?

A real old-fashioned town picnic. Can't get this in Manhattan.

Which is why we're gonna stay exactly 10 minutes.

We're gonna make an appearance, and then we're gonna get out of here.

Kids, I'm really sorry about all of this, but let's try and have fun.

Mom, it's a picnic.

-Chill. -Go ahead, go ahead, have fun.

Ten minutes?

Walter, you just don't get it.

These women are like deranged, flight-attendant friendly.

-They're gonna be all over me. -Joanna!

Here we go.

-Oh, Joanna. -Joanna, hi.

-Hi, Walter. -Hi.

-You look great. -I love you in khakis.

They're new, a little experiment.

Now I know why they call it Banana Republic.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Am I the only one who finds all of this more than a little disturbing?

We are celebrating our nation's birthday,

but there are almost no African Americans,

no Native Americans, no Asian Americans, and...

Oh, my God.

Hey, you're Joanna Eberhart. You got such a raw deal.

Aren't you Bobbie Markowitz?

I love your books, especially the last one. What was it called?

It was about your relationship with your mother.

I Love You But Please Die.

Hey, baby. Baby.

Look what I did, look.

Happy Fourth of July, everybody.

Excuse me. Is this guy bothering you?

-Yes, he's my husband. -Hey, Kresbo-Man.

-Hey, Dave. -How do you know each other?

-Men's Association. -That place.

-Did you finish the laundry? -No, I finished a chapter.

-Did you make the sandwiches? -Did you?

-Where are the kids? -What kids?

Our kids.

-Hey, are you two okay? -We're fine.

-Come on, I need a cookie. -See what I mean?

Jerry. Jerry, it's a bake sale, an actual bake sale.

It's like some sort of heavenly diorama at the Smithsonian

in the Hall of Homemakers.

Oh, no. No, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

That is not cobbler.

Roger, could we... Could we reel it in, like, a couple of hundred yards?

How do you ladies keep your figures?

Is there just a huge vat of cobbler vomit somewhere?

-But worth it? -Roger.

Oh, I'm sorry.

-That is... -This is fabulous.

Jerry thinks that I overdo, you know, everything.

Excuse me, aren't you Roger Bannister?

The amazing architect from The Times?

Oh, thank you. This is Jerry Harmon.

-Hi. -Corporate attorney.

But he's getting the help that he needs.

-Stop it. -You stop it.

-We're new. -Oh, my God, Joanna Eberhart.

-I love the shows. -Oh, thank you.

And Bobbie Markowitz. Love the books.

Jerry, how did this happen? Where did you come from?

I mean, right here in Stepford.

People.

Attention, attention, Fourth of July funsters,

grab your partners because it's time

for some sizzling Stepford square dancing, so come on in.

-Square dancing? -Cowgirls?

-We're in hell. -Come on, Bobbie.

-Howdy! -Howdy!

Okay, everybody ready to kick up your heels

for some barn-busting Stepford high-stepping?

Okay.

Bow to your partners Lose your cares

There you go.

Stepford stallions love their mares

All men left, all men right

Rope that filly, she won't bite

All join hands and circle sweet

Please your cowboy with your feet

-Nice shirt, Stan. -Thanks.

Honey.

Now, calm down, baby.

Whoa, back up, guy.

Jesus.

-Excuse me. Excuse me. -Is she all right?

-It's okay. -Excuse me.

All right. Okay. Don't try to move her.

-She's drunk. -There's no need, thank you.

-She's blond. -I'm her husband.

Jo, you're not a doctor.

Walter, I can take care of this. I ran a network.

-Somebody call 911. -Mike's here.

Mike.

Mike.

-Mike... -It's okay. I'm here.

Walter, the missus.

-The missus? -Jo, Jo.

Walter, what is your problem?

-Excuse me. -Stand back, please.

-Hey! Excuse... -Excuse me.

What was that?

Herb, Dave, give me a hand,

and we'll get Sarah right into my Hummer.

-Your Hummer? -It's a sweet ride.

-It's roomy. -Here you go.

We need an ambulance. You shouldn't be moving her.

She might need oxygen, paramedics.

Everything isn't always about you, Jo.

Walter...

She'll be fine. It's too much sun. She's dehydrated.

-Dehydrated? Are you crazy? -Jo! I'm sorry about this, Mike.

Joanna... Joanna, this is a very special moment.

-I would like you to meet... -Mike Wellington.

My husband.

And you must be the famous Joanna.

You're even prettier than in the newspapers.

-They don't do you justice. -Excuse me, that woman is very sick.

Thank you. I should be going with her.

She'll get all the help she needs. Trust me, little lady.

That woman had a seizure, and she was practically levitating.

And I have told you five million times. I phoned Herb.

He said that Sarah is fine.

She just needed some fluids, just like Mike said.

-She was sparking, Walter. -She was dancing.

Then why wasn't there a doctor anywhere? And why...

Why?

Walter! Walter! And why did everyone

just automatically listen to that Mike person?

And why, why was everyone just standing there?

You mean why weren't they just listening to you?

-That's not what I'm saying! -Jesus Christ, Joanna!

-What? -You were fired.

Your kids barely know you, and our marriage is falling apart.

And your whole attitude makes people want to kill you.

It makes people try to kill you.

That's what we're doing here.

The people in this town have been nothing

but friendly and welcoming and wonderful to you.

And you've been nothing but snide and suspicious.

And on top of that, at the picnic, you humiliated me.

Well, I can't do it anymore.

I can't keep fighting you for every inch of everything.

Game over. Marriage over.

No!

-No! -No what?

Please don't go.

-Why not? -Because you're right.

Wait, I'm sorry. I don't think I heard that.

What did you just say?

I said you're right.

About?

About everything.

About me.

Do you know why I signed on at the network?

Because I thought that if I was around, I could help you lighten up.

You did?

Yeah, I did. What was that one show called?

I Can Do Everybody?

See, that's what I mean. I wanted to make you laugh.

That's so sweet, but I...

I was busy. I was running a network, Walter.

We were so busy that we haven't made love in over a year.

-I know. I... -Well, I miss you.

But I've always loved you so much. I...

You know that.

Why?

Because... Because...

You're goofy and you're...

You're handsome, and you're...

You're my Walter.

And because when you play computer chess

you do that little...

-You do that little victory dance. -I do not. I don't do that.

-Yes, you do. -No, I don't.

But if I'm not the smartest

and the best of the best and the most successful,

then I don't know, who am I?

You wanna find out?

How?

First of all, we're in the country now, so no more black.

-No more black? Are you insane? -You heard me.

Only high-powered, neurotic, castrating, Manhattan career bitches wear black.

Is that what you wanna be?

Ever since I was a little girl.

Do I really look okay?

Can I be honest?

-You look kind of like Betty Crocker. -I know.

-At Betty Ford. -We need milk.

-We need milk. We need milk. -Thank you.

Look, I'm trying to make an effort to change.

I mean, last night, my husband was a different person.

He was strong, he was forceful, he was commanding.

Like your refrigerator.

Well, nobody said it was gonna be easy being a homemaker

and a stay-at-home mom.

It's the toughest job in the world, right?

Well, that may be, but these Stepford women,

-they're a whole other dimension. -Oh, like yesterday,

that poor lady, Sarah Sunderson.

Walter said she's fine.

But you said she was shooting off sparks from her ears.

-Now, that's the first sign. -Of what?

Cheap jewelry.

-We should go see her. -Why?

Because we need to be supportive.

That's how people behave outside of Manhattan.

They care about each other.

I mean, if you were in New York and one of your neighbors got sick,

-what would you do? -We'd call her.

-To see if she was gonna die. -So we could get the apartment.

Let's go. Up. Up. Up.

Sarah?

-Yoo-hoo. -"Yoo-hoo?" Is she in there?

-What are you doing? -It's open.

-That's amazing. -So sweet.

And so trusting.

Roger.

Roger.

-Look at this place. -Wow.

-Sarah? -Sarah?

Roger.

Oh, Herb.

-Oh, baby. -Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

-Make me beg! -Yeah!

Oh, I'm so lucky!

-Oh, my God. -Is that a DVD?

No, it's them.

Oh, you're the king!

Yes!

-I'm going up there. -Why?

-Roger! -I want some.

-Roger. -Roger.

-Baby, grab me some nachos. -Yes, dear.

What's this?

-Roger, put it down. -What? Oh, come on.

-Roger. -Why does it say Sarah?

Roger, you should put it down now.

-Let's get out of here. -This isn't our house.

Oh, stop. Would you just quit?

-We have to, Roger. -For God's sake, we're trespassing.

We have to get out of here.

-Put it down. Come on. -Okay, let's try and use this.

We have to go.

I'm so embarrassed.

I'm mortified. I'm famished.

-Bobbie. -Yeah?

-Are you making anthrax? -Excuse me.

I've been busy. My new book.

But can't you hire someone to clean? Someone brave?

Dave says I got to do it myself, like Sarah Sunderson.

-Could you believe her? -But, darling, her home is spotless.

And she's having incredible sex in the middle of the day

with her husband.

Well, I'm sorry, but my shrink says I need creative chaos.

My therapist says I need boundaries.

My doctor said I need enough electricity to jumpstart Vegas.

-You ever done Zoloft? -Kid stuff.

Xanax. I worship Xanax. I'm old-fashioned.

I like Prozac with a Viagra chaser.

You're up, and you're up.

-Oh, Roger. -Viagra.

Hey, is there something that you need to tell us?

Well... Sharing.

Okay, okay.

Jerry and I have been in couple's counseling for over a year,

and finally... Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore.

I howled, "You've become a gay Republican."

And he said, "What's wrong with that?"

I said, "What's wrong with that?"

"That's like wanting to be gay with a bad haircut."

Exactly.

So, the counselor suggested that we move to the 'burbs.

-To find a balance. -We moved here as a last resort.

Court order. Don't ask.

Okay. I know this is unthinkable,

but what if we could actually learn how to be happy

without Paxil or compulsive overeating?

What if we actually gave this whole thing a try for real,

the whole Stepford thing?

-Hey, yeah! -Only one can survive.

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

-Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! -Come on, Kresbo, baby.

-Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! -Rip her bra off!

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Yeah!

-Yeah! -Zeus rules the universe!

And Ted owes Walter 20 big ones!

Ah, to be a man.

So, Walt,

you and Stepford, it seems like a real match.

I'll say. I mean, the town and the houses. This place.

Well, it's like a dream. It's like...

Like the way life was meant to be.

And all of your wives. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. They're so, so...

Sweet?

Sizzling?

Super fine?

Well...

We are all so thrilled to be here at the Stepford Book Club,

I can't tell you.

Now, I have just finished the third volume

of Robert Caro's Life of Lyndon Johnson,

and I am dying for the next installment.

Well...

That's all marvelous, but today we are going to discuss...

Well, it is probably the most important book any of us will ever read.

Yes, it is provocative, but it is also inspiring.

The Heritage Hills Special Edition Golden Deluxe Treasury

of Christmas Keepsakes and Collectibles.

This book said to me,

"Let's celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ with yarn."

Now, Bobbie, we all realize you're probably feeling a bit uncomfortable

with this week's book because you're...

-Oh, what's the word I'm looking for? -New?

-Scared? -Cranky?

-Jewish. -Same thing.

But the Heritage Hill series is very inclusive.

In fact, there is a whole chapter about Hanukkah.

I just love the chapter on pine cones.

They're not just for wreaths and centerpieces.

You can use pine cones to create a very special yuletide menorah.

Your pine cone snowman could be Jewish.

Just add one of those little beanies.

Or maybe I could just use hundreds of pine cones

to spell out the words "Big Jew"

in letters 15 feet tall in the snow in my front yard.

That's a wonderful idea.

-Oh, yes, yes. -That's very wonderful.

-Yes. -She's so smart.

I love the idea of creating a life-size Santa Claus,

-all out of pine cones. -Okay, I love that.

I'm going to use a pine cone in my nativity as the baby Jesus.

And I'm going to attach a pine cone to my vibrator

and have a really merry Christmas.

Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus

Right down Santa Claus Lane

He's got a bag that's filled with toys For the boys and girls again

Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle What a beautiful sight

So jump in bed, cover up your head Because Santa Claus comes tonight

-Who? -Santa Claus comes tonight

Joanna, how is she fitting in?

Well...

Okay.

I'm among friends, right?

-Of course. -Yeah.

So...

Joanna and I had this big talk,

and we were really open with each other.

I mean, we really got it all out.

And I think from now on,

she's gonna be very, very different.

You think Joanna's really going to change?

Yes, I do. Absolutely.

And how long have you been married?

-Ted! -Yes.

Don't you owe Walter 20 dollars?

That's absolutely right, I do.

Babe!

Yes, darling?

Walt, sit down.

I need 20.

-You know my PIN. -Of course.

She gives singles.

Are these all for day camp tomorrow?

I just want you to be proud of me, honey.

Dad, watch this.

Ball.

-Aren't robots cool? -Oh, yeah.

May I speak to the man of the house?

-Snot-butt. -Funkmaster Markowitz.

-Stone-cold Thriller Killer Kresbo. -Cupcakes, anyone?

-Cupcakes! -Cupcakes.

Hey, right on time.

Jo, these are smoking.

-Why don't you make stuff like this? -Why don't you?

Because I have a penis.

-We should get moving. -Yeah, we got a meeting.

-At the Men's Association. -When will you be home, honey?

When I'm home.

Call a sitter.

Bobbie, are you sure about this?

We're not spying. We're just visiting.

Fellas, I can't tell you how happy we are

to welcome all of this new blood.

-You said it, Mike. -That's right.

I love, love this space.

It's very Ralph Lauren meets Sherlock Holmes.

To me, it says, "I have taste and a scrotum."

-Roger, you promised. -What?

-Whore. -Bore.

-Sorry. -No, no, no.

Jerry, you're gonna find that Stepford is very open-minded.

-Yeah. -We welcome you and your partner,

just like any other couple.

Absolutely. Any other.

-That's right. -Girlfriend.

Miss... Miss Thing.

-To Stepford! -Stepford!

Think I'm gonna get in to bed.

Yeah.

Damn. Come on, let's go.

You think this is all right, sneaking around?

Add it up.

All the women around here are perfect sex-kitten bimbos.

All the men are drooling nerds.

-Doesn't that seem strange? -Not to me.

-Why not? -I work in television.

Come on.

You know, Walter, I think Joanna is right.

-I think Stepford is the answer. -She's a great gal.

Or she will be.

-Come on, help me up. -We shouldn't be here.

Come on. Don't be such a chicken.

-I should be home with my cupcakes. -Why?

Because you only made 5,000 of them?

-We're trespassing. -Only if we get caught.

Damn, I can't see a thing.

There's the light. There it is.

No, Bobbie.

It's like some alien freak show.

Why? They're just family portraits.

Yeah, that's what I said.

The lights.

We should get out of here.

Should we run?

Oh, my God.

Clarice?

-Hi, girls! -Roger!

You scared us.

-What are you doing in here? -What's going on?

Do they have hookers or old Playboys or cable porn?

Please. They barely have throw pillows.

-They're coming. -The menfolk.

-Call us. -Okay.

Rog?

What was it? Did you see anyone?

Not a soul.

But what's back here anyway, in all of these rooms?

Storage? Sweaters?

Bodies?

-Jerry. -Do you see that door on your left?

Check it out.

Oh, boy.

Why, I can't see anything. It's dark.

Use your flashlight.

I feel like Nancy Drew in The Mystery of the Mid-life Crisis.

What am I looking for?

Look down.

Jerry?

Roger!

Roger!

-Bobbie. -Roger!

-Bobbie? -Roger!

Roger said there was nothing going on at the Men's Association.

Well, then why doesn't he answer the phone?

-It's been two days. -Bobbie.

Roger!

Roger!

Isn't that his favorite shirt, the Dolce and Gabbana?

The Guccis.

-And the Versace. -Maybe he's donating them.

To what? The gay homeless?

He loved this.

His program from Hairspray.

-Oh, my God. -What is it?

Viggo.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Jerry Harmon, and I...

I know I'm pretty new here, but already I feel so at home.

Why did Jerry ask us to meet him here?

Proud that I can introduce Stepford's brand new candidate for state senate.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr Roger Bannister.

What?

He's wonderful.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

You may very well ask, what are my qualifications for higher office?

Well, I believe in Stepford, America, and the power of prayer.

Values I've discovered thanks to my partner,

in life, and in the Lord, Jerry Harmon.

Roger. Roger.

Yes. Is there a question? Mrs Markowitz?

So you two are happy now?

More than ever.

Because now I know that being gay doesn't mean

a guy has to be effeminate or flamboyant or sensitive.

-I'm no sissy. -No.

-Way to go, Roger! -That's a man!

-Roger? -Yes. Mrs Walter Kresby.

Roger, I don't understand. You were out there, you were Roger.

And now...

Now you're different. Your hair, your clothes.

-You're like someone else. -People change.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford.

So that's why we have to leave Stepford?

-I'm not following. -Okay.

Before, Roger was witty and stylish and ironic.

-And I'm sure he still is. -No.

Now he's making speeches in a Brooks Brothers suit.

Hey, there's lots of ways to be gay.

Don't try to make him into a stereotype.

Bobbie is right, and she's leaving, too.

This place does something to people.

All of the women are always busy and perfect and smiling,

and all of the men are always happy.

-And that's a problem because? -Because it's not normal, Walter.

It's not the world. It's not us.

And I'm picking up our kids from camp right now,

and we're getting out of here.

With or without you.

Secure.

You'll never change, will you?

Not really.

Open the door.

Unlock front.

And you're right.

About what?

If you're that unhappy, then we should move.

Maybe head back to the city.

We could leave tomorrow.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What you got there?

Sweetcakes?

It's 4:00 AM. What are you up to?

Just recipes for tomorrow. I like to get a head start.

-On what? -Apple pie. Bobbie recommended it.

I'll be right up.

Walter?

Babe?

Bobbie? Bobbie!

Oh, my God.

Bobbie?

Good morning, Joanna.

Isn't it a lovely morning?

That's a pretty color.

-Mom! -Mom!

Good morning, my precious ones.

And thank you for leaving your requests on my e-mail.

Adam, you wanted peanut butter and jelly, no crusts,

a Snickers bar, and a Rolex.

Ben, here's a whole-wheat burrito,

a soy protein shake and three pieces of German chocolate layer cake.

-From scratch? -Of course.

And, Max, you get bacon, lettuce, and tomato

on a lightly-toasted sesame seed bagel.

But what about my action figures?

There's Mace Windu and Amidala.

-Where's Boba Fett? -They were out.

-Mom! -Here's 500 dollars.

All right.

Bye, Mom. Bye, Joanna.

They grow up so fast. I think I'll have three more.

Bobbie, listen to me. What have they done to you?

What have they done to you? Is it drugs?

Is it brainwashing? Come on, hey, talk to me.

Of course, but only for a minute.

Then I have to get to work on this pigsty. Coffee?

No, no coffee. Bobbie, Bobbie.

Last night I went online, all right?

And I found out

all of the women here, they used to be big deals,

I mean, big deals.

CEOs, executives, judges.

Sarah Sunderson, she used to run an airline.

With that perfect skin.

No. No, no, no. She didn't use to look like that.

-None of the women did. They... -Coffee?

Coffee? No. No coffee.

Bobbie. Bobbie. This isn't you.

That's right, Joanna. This isn't me.

It's a whole new me.

I'm happy and I'm healthy because I understand

-what's important in life. -Yes.

-Your new book. -That's right.

That's what's important, my new cookbook.

And my husband and my family and making a perfect home.

It's a lesson every gal needs to learn.

Especially you.

I'm your friend, Joanna. I'm going to help you.

-You need me. -You stay away from me.

You're driven.

-Well, sometimes. -And you're selfish.

-You wanna rule the world. -No.

I can fix you. I can change you.

What have they done to you?

Let's get busy.

Answer the phone.

Hello, is this the day camp?

Yes, this is Joanna Eberhart. I would like to speak to my children.

I'm coming to pick them up right now.

What?

Walter!

Walter, where are you?

I know you've got the kids.

Pete, Kimberly!

Oh, boys!

Welcome.

Where are my children?

-They're perfectly safe. -Where are my children?

-You'll see them soon. -Where's Walter?

How could you do this?

Ever since we met, you've beaten me at everything.

You're better educated.

You're stronger, you're faster.

You're a better dancer, a better tennis player.

You've always earned at least six figures more

than I could ever dream of.

You're a better speaker,

a better executive.

You're even better at sex. Don't deny it.

I wasn't going to.

Well, don't I get anything?

You got me.

No, I got to hold your purse.

I got to tell the kids that you'd be late again.

I got to tell the press that you had no comment.

-I got to work for you. -With me.

Under you.

All of us.

We married wonder women.

Supergirls.

Amazon queens. Well, you know what that makes us?

Smart, worthy, lucky.

We're the wuss.

The wind beneath your wings.

Your support system.

-We're the girl. -And we don't like it.

-No, we don't. -Yeah, that's right.

-You're damn right. -Yeah. That's right.

And is this your answer, to kill us?

No. Nothing like that. We help you. We perfect you.

By turning us into robots?

Does any fraction of these women still exist?

Of course. Almost everything.

-Shall we show her? -Show me what?

It's a promotional thing I've been working on for when we go global.

Walter, I don't think you've seen this.

Some guys ask, how do we do it?

In layman's terms, it's really pretty simple.

Come on along.

First, we take a gloomy, dissatisfied woman.

Then, in a very private experience between husband and wife,

he gently places her in our female improvement system.

It's fully automated.

And then, abracadabra.

Her transformation begins.

First, we locate her brain.

We insert a few nanochips.

Then we program them.

Also, we add some secret, special ingredients.

To avoid any accidents,

her husband is kept at a comfortable distance.

Safety first.

Finally, we enhance her,

to fit the ideal Stepford Wife specifications.

And...

...voila!

Everything is copacetic.

Welcome to the future.

It's a painting again.

I should explain. You see, my real name isn't Mike.

It's just a nickname from where I used to work.

-Where? -Microsoft.

-NASA. -Disney.

AOL.

Is that why the women are so slow?

Joanna.

Is this what you really want?

Women who behave like slaves,

women who are obsessed with cleaning their kitchens

and doing their hair,

women who never challenge you in any way,

women who exist only to wait on you hand and foot?

-Yeah. -That sounds good to me.

Joanna, you're a brilliant woman.

Surely you can appreciate, at the very least,

the genius of the concept. Picture it.

If you could streamline your spouse,

if you could overhaul every annoying habit,

every physical flaw,

every moment of whining and nagging and farting in bed.

Imagine...

...if you could enjoy the person you loved,

but only at their very best.

And the only reason for your anger,

your resentment, your rage is really very simple.

You're furious because we thought of it first.

While you were trying to become men,

we decided to become gods.

Let me ask you something,

these machines, these Stepford Wives,

can they say, "I love you"?

Mike.

Of course.

Fifty-eight languages.

But do they mean it?

Enjoy.

Walter.

Walt.

Joanna, right here.

-Sarah. -Claire.

-Marianne. -Charmaine.

-Roger. -Roberta.

Mike!

Mike, Mike, Mike!

Mike, Mike, Mike!

Good evening, everyone.

What a delight to see

all of our wonderful wives and their happy, happy husbands.

Tonight is truly the highlight of our year because tonight,

we honor our very newest citizens of Stepford.

In my opinion, they are the cream of the crop,

a couple that proudly proclaims Stepford...

...the American way of love.

Now,

I'd like to ask my wonderful woman, my lovely wife,

my bride, my best friend,

to join me in a glorious midsummer night's waltz.

Yeah!

Is everything perfect?

Everything.

-Mike. -Yeah.

Darling.

-My pleasure. -It's an honor.

-Champagne? -Allow me.

Doors activated.

Welcome member 1956.

Kresby, Walter.

Entering secure area.

Warning.

Warning.

Initiating.

So, Joanna, are you enjoying Stepford?

Oh, yes. The town is so splendid.

Everyone is so kind.

And then, of course, there's you.

Me?

And it's simple really.

Honey, grab me another Scotch.

Right away, dear.

Begin nanoreversal.

Begin nanoreversal.

Nanoreversal completed.

Deleting Stepford program.

File corrupted.

Deleting vacuuming function.

Honey.

Oh, Herbert.

Restoring original personality. Deleting Stepford program.

What is this?

What am I wearing?

Mike!

Mike, there's something...

...unspeakable going on in the ballroom.

You have to come right now.

It's an apocalypse!

What did you do to us?

-Mike! -Mike!

Men, control your wives.

Control your wives.

It's not working!

This is not Stepford.

Mike.

Mike, what's happening?

I was in the garden, and I was dreaming of your...

Your smile and your after-shave.

Then I realized...

...I can do better.

-Walt. -She's not a robot.

-What? -What?

What, she's not a robot?

She never was.

Wait a second.

I couldn't do it.

Why not?

Because she's not a science project.

Because I didn't marry something from RadioShack.

That's a shame.

No.

That's a man.

I thought you were ready.

I thought... I thought you were ready. I thought I knew you.

You're a disgrace.

To everything this town stands for.

To the future.

That's right, that's right. Tell him.

You're gonna have to pay for that.

Don't you touch him!

No!

He's a Stepford Husband?

An angel.

Now he's just...

...spare parts, thanks to you.

But what are you? Are you a person or a machine?

I'm a lady.

A real lady?

-Every inch. -Wait.

Wait, a real, real lady? Are you a human being?

Yes, and I may very well be the only decent human being left.

-In Stepford? -In the world!

She's fabulous.

All of this, Mike, the wives, Stepford, this was all your idea?

Yes. All I wanted was a better world.

A world where men were men and women were cherished and lovely.

Does anyone have a screwdriver?

She's nuts.

A world of romance and beauty,

of tuxedos and chiffon, a perfect world.

But you were married to a robot.

The perfect man.

And all I wanted was to make you, all of you,

into perfect women.

We don't need to be perfect.

How could you do this to us?

Because I was just like you.

Overstressed, overbooked, under-loved.

I was the world's foremost brain surgeon and genetic engineer.

I had top-secret contracts with the Pentagon, Apple, and Mattel.

I was driven.

Exhausted.

Until late one night, I came home to find...

...Mike.

With Patricia.

My brilliant,

blond,

21-year-old research assistant.

It was all so...

...ugly.

Then early the next morning, as I gazed across the breakfast table

at their lifeless bodies, I thought,

"What have I done?"

But more importantly,

what I could do to make the world more beautiful?

I had the skills.

But I needed help to realize my larger vision.

And so I made...

...Mike.

Because he was someone other men would listen to.

And then I asked myself,

"Where would people never notice a town full of robots?"

"Connecticut."

So I decided to turn back the clock,

to a time before overtime,

before quality time,

before women were turning themselves into robots.

-Back off! -Sorry.

Why didn't you change the men, too?

That's next.

You're insane.

I'm in love with a waltz and a town...

...and a man.

So, Joanna,

you produced the hard-hitting documentary, Stepford: The Secret of the Suburbs.

And won five Emmys, was it?

Oh, six.

-She's shy. -And so humble.

And, Bobbie, your ordeal has led to a bestseller.

Well, you know, I just can't hold a grudge.

So I've written my very first book of poetry.

And it's all about hope and communication

and the healing power of love.

What is it called?

Wait Until He's Asleep, Then Cut It Off.

-It's a page-turner. -I cried.

Now, Roger, good news.

You ran and won. You're in the state senate.

-Independent. -Next stop, the White House.

-Yes, this country needs highlights. -That's our hero.

And, Jo, Walter really came through for you,

so how's your marriage now? Is everything just perfect?

No way.

But we're doing just great because...

Because now, now we know for sure that it's not about perfection.

Perfect. Perfect doesn't work.

What about all those other husbands?

Are they still angry? Do they still want all these women to be robots?

Of course. Men are pigs.

They're disgusting. They're frightened, repulsive little rodents.

But we're trying to help them, right, Bobbie?

-Right. -Yes, we're trying to re-educate them.

And where are they?

They're still in Stepford.

Under house arrest.

Hey, you guys.

Which aisle is quilted paper towels?

If I don't get the right kind, my wife's gonna kill me.

Aisle three. And I need...

No talking, keep shopping.