All language subtitles for The Heartbreak Kid Edited Feature_EN_2

Well!

Thank you.

Nope. Deborah and myself will
not be having any, thank you.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna pass also.

I just... Yeah. I think I'm gonna...

Yeah, I don't think you're gonna
get off that easy, sweetheart.

Thank you!

Well, might as well give
them their money's worth.

Thank you.

Hey, here's to Beryl and Byoo.

He did it again!

You are too much.

Alright, everybody. Are you ready?
Bottoms up!

This is awful! That's, like, awful!

It's like somebody gets inside your chest
and just like, a guy with, like, a bongo.

And we gotta pay for it!
That's the punchline. Oh, man.

So, Martin, you're a high
school baseball coach.

-Yeah.
-That is so cool.

Boo actually coached
the team before Martin did.

Never missed a game in 28 years.

Well, there were a few games
I wish I had missed.

And Miranda coaches
the women's lacrosse team...

-...at Ole Miss.
-That's right.

-I do.
-You're a lacrosse coach?

-I am.
-That is... Wow! That's...

-So you're a whole family of coaches.
-Yes, we are.

You know, there was a big article
about them in the Oxford Eagle.

You could still probably find that online.

That's amazing. And what about you, Buzz?

I'm not a coach.

I have a couple Subway sandwich shops
in the Oxford area.

And we're about to open up
a third on Route 122.

We find if you keep the tuna fresh,
they'll keep coming back.

At Subway. Oh, I love Subway.

We're also gonna open a Ruby Tuesday's.

-We're gonna take it to the next level.
-But that's this, okay?

Yeah, that's right.
Don't let it leave this circle.

That's exciting. That's great.

We wanna keep it all,
you know, class organizations,

good food, served in a hurry.

And with metal silverware this time.

-That's cool.
-How about you, Eddie? You a sports fan?

I am, I am.

Actually, I own a sporting goods store
up in San Francisco.

Yeah. I love sports.

In fact, I even lost my virginity
on a baseball diamond.

You're too much. Really?

Yeah, yeah. Couple of the older
kids pushed me down, and...

It was not pretty.

Did you file charges?

No. I...

-He was making a joke, Gayla.
-Yeah, I was just...

About anal rape?

You are a pistol.

My point is...

...why do we always assume

that the aliens from
the spaceships are people?

Why couldn't they be cows...

...from that planet?

Right!

Do you understand what I'm saying?

So even if the cows are so evolved

to the point where they're smart
enough to build flying saucers...

...the people on the planet
are probably so far past that

that they still look down at the cows.

-Perhaps.
-They're saying...

..."Look at the dumb cows
and their stupid UFOs."

Or "FO" to them,
because they know what it is.

Yes, exactly.

Hey. So... Here, okay.

Can I just say, about your family,
apropos of nothing?

I love them. They're awesome.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

With one exception.

I get a weird vibe from...

...Marvin?

-Martin. Martin.
-Martin.

Yes, I feel like Martin is...

...maybe just a little bit of a big,
wet, flapping douchebag?

Dude! That's my cousin!

-Just saying. JS.
-He's cool.

-Come on.
-He's...

...Martin's just got a burr up his
butt lately, 'cause he's...

...'cause there's this guy back home, Cal.

It's his best friend and...

...up until about a month ago,
we were serious, so...

...I guess it comes to a point where it's
gonna happen or it's not gonna happen.

Right, right.

And he or you did not want it
to happen, or...

He's like... he's like one of those guys
who likes his routine a lot,

you know, so...

-So he didn't want...
-He didn't...

-...he didn't want to mess with that.
-What... So, you mean, like...

Marriage? Like he didn't wanna...
he didn't wanna marry you?

-Can you believe that?
-No.

No, right?

What is his deal?

What the hell is wrong with Cal?

So, anyway, I told him that I thought
we should take a breather.

And now I'm realizing,

with all the time
that we're spending apart,

how different we really are.

So, what about you, kind sir?

Do you have a girlfriend back home?

Miranda!

Where the hell have you been?

-I've been here...
-I've been stomping around...

...for 45 minutes looking for you.

Everybody up there in
the suite is passed-out drunk.

-So?
-So, nobody's looking after Peepaw.

I just caught him
urinating in the hallway.

Oh, shit!

You think that's funny, mister?

How about I have you go up there
and clean it up?

-Martin.
-Martin, relax.

-Sorry.
-We're gonna go deep-sea fishing tomorrow.

-Do you wanna join us?
-Now, hold up, all right?

We can't just be inviting anybody
to come along.

Gotta talk to the captain.
There's weight capacity issues.

Point is moot.
I can't go anyway, so we're cool.

Good night.

Good night.

I'll see you. Okay.

I smell something weird out here.

Smells like somebody's been
hitting the devil's lettuce.

Where have you been?

Hi! Hey!

Honey.

I was downstairs.

Downstairs.

You left here seven hours ago, Eddie.

You said you were just going
to have dinner.

I did! I did.
I was right down at the bar.

I had the chimichangas
and the chalupa sampler on the side.

Chimichangas don't take that long.

No, no, they were quick.

The chalupas were
a little slow coming out.

But, honey, what happened was
I met this great older couple

who found out it was our honeymoon,

and so they offered to buy me
a shot and this other group a shot,

and then we all ended up
having shots, and...

What other group?

This other group. Just these... these...

...rednecks who were down at the bar.

But cool rednecks, you know,
like Jimmy Carter types.

Eddie, that still doesn't explain
why you're coming in at 4:00 AM

when the bar closed at 2:00.

Honey, you said you wanted to sleep,
so I wanted to allow you to rest,

so I ended up just sitting on the beach
watching the waves all night.

You were on the beach all this time?

Yeah.

-Really?
-Yes. Honey.

-Eddie Bear.
-Honey.

I don't want you to be...

-Careful!
-Okay.

I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean
to take it out on you. I just...

I've been so miserable.
You know, I have this sunburn.

I have a pill stuck up my nose.
I can't sleep.

Wait, what?
You got a pill stuck up your nose?

Yeah. I tried to take a Tylenol
for the pain, you know,

and these Mexican pills
are so big that I started choking,

and then it got stuck in
my stupid deviated septum.

Wow. Did you try to get it out?

These crappy tweezers don't work.
It's just stuck.

Honey.
I'm gonna take care of this, all right?

-Okay.
-I'm gonna get rid of your little...

...your little unwanted visitor up there.
Here, go this way.

-Okay.
-Good. Now tilt back.

Hey, this is like that game Operation.

Yeah.

Beep!

-You touched my nose!
-Yes, I did.

-Okay, you gotta hold still, though.
-Okay, okay.

Wow, that's big.

My face feels so swollen.

I should take the cream off, I think.

Alright.

That feels so much better.

How do I look?

What, is it bad?

No.

It's not that...

Oh, my God!

-Honey.
-It's awful!

Honey! It's not that bad! Babe!

Lila, come on!

Lila, they have our credit card.
We're liable for the damages.

Go away! This is all your fault!

How is it my fault?

You threw such a hissy fit
about your stupid sunblock

that I wanted to prove you wrong!

You won, okay? Are you happy now?

Lila, that's crazy talk.

I'm ugly!

Honey, it's just a sunburn!

Lila?

Lila, come on.

This is ridiculous.
How long are you gonna stay in there?

None of your business.

Now leave me alone, Edward.

Babe, come on, I gotta pee.

-So?
-Let me in.

Go pee somewhere else.

Why don't you go explore Mexico
or something?

Honey, I don't want
to explore Mexico without you.

Come on.

Well, I wanna be alone.

Well, you gotta eat.

Wanna have some breakfast?

Slide the menu under the door.

-Hey, you!
-Hey!

Hey.

I thought you guys were going
on that fishing expedition.

We slept in.

Yeah, I'm out a 150 dollar deposit,
thanks to you, Mr Party Boy.

Well, I guess that's
how y'all do it in California?

You just rock on with no consideration
for other people's plans, right?

Alright, Martin,
stop being such a tightwad.

We all gonna chip in for the boat.

I'm not gonna chip in for no goddamn boat.

You gotta hear this one. You tell him.

-No, you. Alright.
-No, you go.

Earlier today we were
walking on the beach,

having our morning coffee,
and we got to talking about last night.

Anyhow, Buzz was just saying how
much fun it was getting to know you.

-It's really been a pleasure.
-Oh, yeah. Me, too.

By the way, for his birthday this year,

we're gonna get Boo a license plate
that says "Byoo!"

Can you imagine that? Christmas morning,

he's gonna open it up,
it's gonna say "Byoo!"

-No numbers. "Byoo!"
-"Byoo!"

That's great. He'll love that.
He'll love that.

But that's a big secret.

-Mom's the word, okay?
-Who am I gonna tell?

-Good to see you.
-Okay, take it easy. Okay.

Eddie, what do you have there?
It looks like you're eating for two.

Oh, no, no. Yeah. No, no. I just...

...I just wanted to load up on some...

...some carbs this morning, so...

And eggs, too. Eggs and carbs,
and, you know, full-on...

Hey, here's something to do.

There's a double-Decker bus running
tourists out to a town called Miraflores.

It's the basil capital of Mexico.

Let me see that.

-Did you say "bagel capital?"
-No.

I've always wondered how they
cultivate and harvest basil.

-That'd be great.
-Me, too. Education.

-No, it's a herb. Italian herb.
-It's a herb.

She puts it on a lot
of the food she cooks.

Everything. Oh, everything. I love it.

-Pesto.
-It's delicious.

-Is it spicy?
-No, it's not spicy.

You can order a whole box of it.

Si, senor.

Uncle Tito will take care
of everything. Okay.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Listen, Tito, I need you
to do me a big, big favor.

300 pesos.

You don't even know what it is yet.

It is something nasty,
or you would be doing it yourself.

Alright, fine.

Honey? Is that you?

Good.

I'll open the door, and you slide it in.

Hey!

Thank you.

Thanks. Okay. A little bit of salsa.

Are you okay?

Uno, dos, tres!

Lime!

Oh, my God.

Good.

Hello?

Hey, Mac! Listen, man, I owe you, buddy.

This place is like...

...this is like my favorite place ever!

I told you you'd love it.

And the people,
the people down here!

Oh, my God, I know. Aren't they great?

I'm seriously thinking
I should sell the store

and open up a place down here.

I mean, wouldn't that be incredible?

So, how's Lila?

-Oh, I'm sorry, your name's Joachim?
-Who?

Your wife. Lila.

She's not so good.
She got a little sunburned, so...

...I've been hanging out
with this other girl.

Yeah.

Wait. What, are you serious?

Divorce lawyer?

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm telling you, the second we got
married it's like a switch flipped.

She's a nightmare, Mac.

Yeah, well, bitches be crazy, man.
You know that.

Tammy's always flipping switches.

What are you talking about?

You're always talking about
how happy you are with her.

Look, you wanna know the secret
to a happy marriage?

Do what I do.

Plaster on a fake smile,
plow through the next half-century,

sit back, relax and wait for
the sweet embrace of death.

Hey. Wow!

What about my hips?

-And my butt?
-Great, great.

I love it. Looks great.

Where is it?

-Come on back!
-Yes! I'm coming, Alfons!

So, this other girl.

It doesn't bother her
that you're a newlywed?

No. I mean, I haven't exactly made it
clear to her yet, but I'm going to.

I just have to find
the right moment, you know?

Eddie. Eddie!

Hold on a second.

Eddie! Come on,
there are sea lions in the ocean!

Really? Okay, hang on!

She found sea lions now, come on!

Isn't that amazing? I gotta go!

Don't! Eddie, Eddie! Come home!
Come home!

Come home, Eddie!

Wow.

Ashes to ashes Funk to funky

We know Major Tom's a junkie

Strung out in heaven's high

Hitting an all-time low

Wow, what a great day.

I had so much fun.

-Here are your Mexican sombreros.
-Gracias.

Oh, look, the gang's back.

Basil sniffers.

Okay, let's hurry up.

We're supposed to meet everybody on
the veranda in 15 minutes, right?

-Right, right. Okay, good.
-Okay.

Hey, Dad.

There's the guy from San Francisco
whose wife was murdered.

-Where?
-The guy right there.

Yeah, some crazy guy hacked
her up with an ice pick.

They caught the dude, though.
Some guy named Ronald.

Hey, baby!

Eddie Bear's home!

And boy, do I got a story for you.

Well, I hope so, seeing that
you've been gone all day.

Honey. Guess what happened?

I go downstairs to get your breakfast.

Who do I run into out of the clear blue?

-Who?
-Yvon Chouinard!

Who?

Yvon Chouinard, big cheese at Patagonia.

-And?
-And? Come on, honey.

Patagonia's like my biggest supplier.

I carry their entire line. You know that.

So, Yvon and his buddies
are going out golfing.

-Water?
-No.

They ask me if I want to go.
So, what am I gonna do?

Say no? No. Right?

But you didn't bring your clubs.

I demoed a set! TaylorMade!

Sweet, too! Added like 30 extra yards
to my drives!

Who were the buddies?

Just a couple of guys.

This guy Lenny from Akron, insurance guy.
Kind of a stiff, but good golfer.

And the local Patagonia rep.

What was his name?

His name was Six-toe.

-Six-toe?
-Yeah, Six-toe.

Amputee.
Lost four toes scaling up Everest.

Did it without oxygen. One of those guys.

By the way, amazingly, he showed me.

Retained the outer toes,

lost the middle stuff
but kept the balance points,

which are all you need.

In fact, he says it gives
him a better swing

because he swings right through
the ball, less resistance.

Fascinating guy.

Eddie, since when has
golf taken seven hours?

Yeah, well, we got behind
a Korean couple, so...

But I'll tell you, it actually
worked to my advantage,

because we got to talk shop,

and if things pan out
the way I think they might,

we could be talking about some really
sweet credit terms for the store.

Why didn't you call me?
I've been worried sick about you.

Honey, I did!

You get a mile outside of this place,

it's like trying
to get reception on the moon!

What are you doing?

Are you going somewhere?

Lila, I just told you, I'm taking
them out to dinner in five minutes.

When did you say that?

Okay.

First of all, these people...
Let me explain something to you.

These people, okay, they're primed.
This opportunity...

Do you understand? This is the head of an
incredibly important outerwear company.

International, okay?
They have taken the bait,

and now I just gotta gaff 'em, get 'em
in the boat and club 'em to death.

Kill time, honey. Kill time.
I can't let the air out.

Then all the momentum I built up
all day just evaporates.

By the way, shouldn't take too long,

because they started dropping back
the shots about two hours ago.

So...

...very interested in anything
anybody has to say.

-So, you know, it's gonna be good.
-Alright.

Well, hang on a sec.
Let me put on some makeup.

You're coming?

Of course I'm coming.

Yes! Good! Sweet!

I'll just... call down and tell them
to make room for one more on the skiff.

On the skiff?

We're going out on this
little 12-foot Zodiac,

inflatable job, twilight cruise.

No, Eddie, I can't go on a boat.

Crap. That's right.

You sure?

Because really, honey, we're only going
a couple miles out past the breakwater.

Right to where
the continental shelf drops off?

It's supposed to be amazing.

The guy said it's where they filmed
that movie, The Perfect Storm?

Honey, I'm sorry, I feel really bad,
but there's no way I'd last out there.

You know what? Screw it. Screw it!

What am I doing? I'm on my honeymoon!

Thank you for getting my head straight.

I'm gonna call and cancel. Right now.

What about the credit terms?

Alright. You know what? Fine.

You win. We do it your way.

I'll go, finish the deal quickly,

come back, take you out
for a late dinner.

That sound good? Alright?

-Okay.
-Good.

Also, there's some important stuff
I wanna talk to you about.

Yeah?

Like, good stuff or bad stuff?

Like, well, you know,
at first you might flinch,

but then, I think, in the long run...

...great stuff.

-Okay.
-Okay, okay, okay, good.

-Oh, honey?
-Yeah?

I'm sorry I swatted you
away this morning.

I didn't mean to hit you so hard.

Swatted me away?

You know, when you were sitting
outside the bathroom door

after you dropped off the food,
and you put my hand on your schlong?

You just surprised me, you know?

And I wasn't feeling so well.

But I promise I'll make it up
to you tonight.

Super.

Hey!

-Hey there, Tito.
-Hey, Senor Eddie.

How's it going, man?

-I'm okay.
-Yeah? Sure?

'Cause you look like you got
a little hitch in your giddy-up.

Oh, that. No, it is a long story.
I will not bore you with it.

No, no, no. You bore me. Bore me.

Please. I got all the time in the world.

I'd love to hear. What happened?

Okay. After I dropped the food off
at your room this morning,

I placed my penis in your wife's hand
and she smacked it away.

She nailed me pretty good, too.

Are you for real?

What are you doing? You don't just...

You crossed a serious line there.

That's not acceptable.

You don't do that. Come on.

Screw off! You're joking, right?
You had me.

-No.
-That's good!

No, I'm not joking. That's outrageous!

That's not acceptable behavior.

You don't just go and take your penis
and put it in my wife's hand.

Well, when you put it that way...

Wow, I'm sorry. I feel really bad, okay?

What were you thinking?

It's just that, well...

You come down here and you try to
bribe me with your porno tapes,

and then I see you running around
with other women on your honeymoon,

and I just figured that,
"Anything goes with this guy, hey?"

Alright, fine.

I am sorry for
the misunderstanding, senor!

-Hey!
-Hey!

Wow. You look beautiful.

Thanks.

-So, you gonna walk me over?
-Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, listen.

I... I gotta tell you something.

And it's something I should have
said before, but I didn't, and...

I know about your wife.

You do?

How?

Beryl and everybody overheard some
people talking about it on the bus.

They were talking about it on the bus?

So it's true, then?

Yeah, but...

...it's really important for you
to know that it is over.

And I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier.
It's just...

You know,
at first it didn't even occur to me

because, you know,
when I first met you...

And... and then...

...I don't know, I didn't realize
I was gonna like you so much.

And...

...I didn't wanna freak you out, so...

You wouldn't have freaked me out.

Really?

So you're not mad?

No.

I'm sad.

That must have been horrible.

It was.

It is. I mean, it sucks.

You're...

...you're like the coolest person
on the planet.

Really.

No, I mean,
I wasn't expecting this reaction.

So your whole family knows?

Yeah.

I can't imagine they're
taking it as well as you are.

Of course they are.

-They just wanna support you.
-Even Martin?

Boo instructed everybody not
to even bring it up.

Dynamite!

The burros.

-You go to the top of a mountain...
-Yes...

...and they leave you there
with a pack of...

No, all the way up
to the top of the mountain,

-...and you can camp out there overnight.
-Yeah.

-By starlight, you make a fire...
-We should do that.

-Totally. Totally in.
-I'm serious.

-Anytime.
-We could do it the day after tomorrow.

That would be... Okay, I have some things
that I have to move around.

It will be a bit of a headache,
but I can make it happen.

Buzz.

Am I the only one who's still
a little bothered by this guy?

I believe you are.

Alright. Well, let me ask you this, okay?

This dude's supposed
to be down here in mourning.

What's he doing canoodling with Miranda?

-And the goat was dead?
-No, no.

-Really?
-The goat got back up.

Everybody mourns in their own way.

Why don't you cut him some slack?

He likes her and she likes him.

And I don't think they're
breaking any rules, all right?

I don't trust him.

Hey.

-Hi.
-Hi.

How you doing?

Honey, I'm sorry for ruining
our honeymoon.

I'm such a sucky wife.

No, no, honey, you're not.

You're great.

You're an amazing, beautiful person.

However, I do think we should talk.

Hold on.

I have something for you.

I love that. Thank you.

So anyway, I've been thinking...

Honey, turn it over.

Did you make this?

Before we left.

You made this?

You... sewed this yourself?

Yeah. And the hearts?

Your heart and my heart, together...

...forever.

So, honey, what did you wanna talk
to me about?

I want to talk to you...

...about nothing right now.

I want you...

...to get some rest
and we'll talk in the morning, okay?

Give me a kiss.

Okay.

Eddie Bear, I love you.

I love, love, love, love, love...

Love, love, love.

-Okay.
-Okay.

So, what's this important stuff
you wanted to talk to me about?

Yeah, okay.

Oh, my God!

This guac is fucking awesome!

Is it? That's good. Good.

Go ahead, Eddie.

Look, I'm just gonna lay
this out there, all right?

I have not been a good husband.

I've been bad.

I am so glad to hear you say that, Eddie.

I mean, I thought I was losing my mind.

It's like the moment we got married,

a switch went off and you
became this loony bird.

Yes! Yes, you're right!

I did turn into... I've been a loony bird,
and it's not you, it's me.

This conversation is all
about my deficiencies,

because as a wife you've been spot-on.
You've been incredible.

You've been doing everything
a wife should do,

and any man would be happy
to have a wife like you,

and kudos to you for putting up
with me and all of my...

...junk.

Thank you.

But the point is, honey,

you shouldn't have to put up
with your husband.

You deserve so much better.

You understand what I'm saying?

Yeah, you're apologizing.
That's very sweet.

No. No, I'm not... I'm not...

God, that frigging stuff is hot.

Honey, look...

...in life, sometimes...

...sometimes we make choices,
and in retrospect,

we realize the choice wasn't
the right choice.

Not a bad choice,
not a good choice, just...

...not the correct choice...

...for the people who are involved.

What are you getting at, Eddie?

Lila...

...we're not gonna be happy
together in San Francisco.

Rotterdam! That's where you gotta be.

It hit me! That's where your destiny is.

Cleaning up the bogs,

and getting the environment
right over there.

That's what you should be doing,

not hanging out in San Francisco
with me...

-...some sporting goods schmo...
-Oh, my God!

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I'm saying...

Lila? This is gonna be a good thing, Lila.

Lila, it's better. It's for the...

Lila, you got a little piece
of tri-tip coming out here.

This is so for the best.

Do you hear me?

Can I call my mom?

Yes, of course!
You wanna call her, go ahead, call her.

-Hello?
-Mom, it's me.

No, no, I'm okay. It's just...

...something has happened.

Something huge.

Eddie's moving to Rotterdam with me.

No, no, wait! No, Lila, no.

He doesn't wanna be
a sporting goods schmo anymore!

No, no! Lila!

-Hold on, he wants to tell you himself.
-No, no, no.

No, no! No, no! I didn't want... Hello?

Hey, Eddie! You having fun?

Yeah, yeah, we're having a ball.

And I hear you're moving to Germany?

No, no.

See, Lila got a little bit ahead
of herself on that one,

and I haven't actually gotten through
the entire plan with her, but she...

Hey, you know what? I gotta go.

I gotta say goodbye, okay?

-Okay. Yes.
-Love you! Bye!

-Hey!
-Isn't he the greatest?

What's that?

I know.

I know.

-How you guys doing?
-Not too good, actually.

Beryl and Boo are set to renew
their vows on the terrace

and we can't find Miranda anywhere.
Have you seen her?

Hang on. Honey, who's Miranda?

Miranda, honey, is their cousin.
Their cousin.

You know what?

Excuse me for one second. Hey, come here.
Come here.

-Sorry, Mom. Yeah, no.
-Come here.

I don't know. Just some guys.

Guys! Guys! What are you doing?

You're killing me here.

What is this? What's going on?

Look, Martin,

I know you're upset about this whole
thing with Cal, Miranda and me.

But there'll be a time and a place
we can talk about it, but not now.

I'm about to tell her.

Who is that?

It's my wife!

Wife?

Guys, what are you,
like, snorting peyote?

Come on, it's me. It's Eddie.

But your wife was murdered.

What?

Those... those twins.

They said that your wife was murdered
by a maniac with an ice pick.

No, no, no, no, no.

Look, you guys, all you have to know,

is that from the second
I fell in love with Miranda,

I have not once cheated on
her with my wife, okay?

And I'm not saying that
to toot my own horn...

-...it's just...
-You sick little prick!

Martin! Martin! Come here.

-No, stop!
-Here, take this.

Hey, what are you doing?

Get off me!

You gotta get yourself
right with God, buddy!

-He is not worth it!
-Get off me! Get off!

What is going on?

Eddie, who was that?

I have absolutely no idea.

How's your... How's your...

What do you mean, you have no idea?
They called you Eddie.

You knew their cousin!

No, I know. I mean, I know who they were,

they're the Patagonia guys.

I just didn't understand
why they were so...

You know, they get so...
Acting like that.

Eddie, are you okay?

No! I'm not okay!

Look, Lila, we're not okay. It's over!

No! Could you please go away?

What?

We're over!

-What do you mean?
-Stop!

-What's over?
-Hang on a sec.

Here! Here you go. 50, 50 Americano.
Please stop, okay?

Can you...

No! No, stop!

Will you shut up?

We're trying to have lunch here!

Would you stop?

I'm paying a lot of money
to stay at this hotel!

I'm on my honeymoon.

-We just want to have a nice quiet lunch!
-Eddie, Eddie. It's okay.

-They're not bothering me.
-No! It's not okay! We're newlyweds!

We just wanna have a quiet time together!

How can we have any good memories
if you guys keep...

Eddie, Eddie. It's okay,
I am having good...

Eddie, please sit down!

Wow.

I was starting to wonder
where all that passion had gone.

Lila.

I'm sorry, but you and I are finished.

What are you talking about, Eddie?

What about our Rotterdam plans?

I'm sorry. I'll be right back.

Eddie! You're acting like
a loony bird again!

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, my God! What happened to your nose?

-Martin stuck a pepper up it.
-What?

Look, there's been
a massive misunderstanding.

I don't mean to be rude, Eddie,
but can this wait?

No!

I'm gonna be late for
Beryl and Boo's ceremony.

Look, my wife was never murdered.

-What?
-Yeah, my wife, she never died.

In fact, I never actually said that,
it was just those stupid twins, they...

What are you saying?
You're not a widower?

-No...
-No, he's married!

Martin just told me.

He's been staying here
with his wife all week!

What is she talking about?

It's true, I'm...

...but it's over, Miranda.
I mean, it's...

Get away from me.

-Miranda, it's okay.
-Get away from me.

-Will you listen to me, please?
-Leave me alone!

Miranda!

Hang on!

Eddie!

Shit!

Eddie!

-I was trying to tell you before.
-Leave me alone!

-Miranda!
-Get away from me!

Eddie! What the hell is going on?

Lila, I was trying
to tell you before, and I...

Did I cut my back on the rocks?

Oh, my God!

Man-o'-war!

Get it off! Get it off!

-Come on, do something.
-I'm not doing anything.

This is what he gets.

It's okay! I know what to do.

What are you doing?

Get off of me! No! No!

Oh, my gosh!

I know what I'm doing!

No!

Eddie!

Burning! Burning!

It's okay! It's okay. It's okay.

I know, honey. Isn't that nice?

Sick!

Oh, no! It's okay, I'm his wife.

We're on our honeymoon!

Honeymoon?

Miranda, it's not what it seems.

No. Wait, Miranda!

Miranda!

I think it was a confluence
of events, you know?

With my dad busting my balls
about my dating life...

...then going to Jodi's wedding.

Why did I even go
to Jodi's wedding, you know?

Just to torture myself?

Mac's all up in my grill about
being married. It's just...

I don't know, I jumped,
you know, I jumped.

I felt the heat and I jumped,

and it was like two days,
three days early.

And I'll tell you something.

I should've just gone with my dad
to Vegas and double-teamed those girls.

That would've been
the decent thing to do.

Senor Eddie!

Hey, there he is!

Senor Tito! My Tito-Bandito!

Eddie, what are you doing?

I'm just hanging with my brother,
my brother Manuel.

Eddie, people are looking for you.

Your father keeps calling, and then
Mac is trying to track you down.

And what am I supposed
to tell the American girl, the...

-...Miranda? What do I tell her?
-Miranda?

-Miranda?
-Yes!

-What?
-Her family flew home, but she didn't.

And she has been everywhere
searching for you.

She has?

Screw off! I'm joking, man!

That chick ran for the hills, huh?

You should've seen your face!
You were so happy!

For a moment, you were like...

I can't believe I got you again!

The funny man!

That's cool man, that's cool.
Don't worry about me.

Seriously, are you here for a reason?

Huh? What's the deal?
What, you want me to...

You want to tell me to,
like, go back and get Lila?

Or go back to the States?
It's not gonna happen!

Look at you. Listen to you.

You are sounding loco!

-Oh, I'm loco?
-Yes.

No, you're loco!

Lila burned my wallet,

she burned my clothes,
she burned my passport.

Okay? Even if I wanted
to go back, I couldn't!

I can't get papers for
like a month or something.

But you know what? I don't need
papers to hang with this guy,

'cause he doesn't want papers.

He just wants friendship, don't you?

And we're gonna stay here,

we're gonna keep talking
it out and talking it out,

until it feels right up in my head.
Right, Manny?

Even if it takes forever. Am I right?

Listen, you little gringo pussy,

you've been ear-fucking me for two
straight weeks about all this shit!

You wanna fix what you did?

Stop talking about it, just do it!

Get off your ass and do it!

Manuel is right, Senor Eddie.

You are going to have to go back
and fix this yourself, okay?

-Now, come on. Get up!
-Can't.

You can do it, come on! Listen.

I have connections.

You know, people that can
sneak you back into California.

You're not joking?

No, I promise. I'm not kidding this time.

-Okay, good. Good, good.
-Yes!

But I don't wanna go to California.

I wanna go to Mississippi.

It's cool! It's cool, guys!

I'm an American. I just lost my passport.

America!

I'm an American!

Adios, amigos.

-Come on, grab his hand!
-You can do it!

Come on, buddy!

Come on! Grab it!

I'm going on the record here, Eddie.

I think this is a bad, bad idea.

Look, Pop, I appreciate your coming
down here and helping me out.

This is just something
that I have to do, okay?

I still don't understand what
happened with you and Lila.

She was such a sweet kid.

Dad.

I love Miranda, okay?

I've never been more sure
of anything in my life.

Alright, Eddie. Just be careful, okay?

Remember, this is the Bible Belt.
These people have guns.

This is it, right here! Stop! Stop!

Don't you think we should clean you up
or give you a shave or something?

No. Look. I've been working on
this speech for over a month.

I just want to go in and do it.

Knock 'em dead!

Seven pitches in a row
over 90 miles an hour?

That boy hums that ball!

Byoo!

Look what the cat dragged in!

I know, don't ask.

Is Miranda around?

You must be out of your mind.

Well, no, I'm not.

Oh, my God!

Why am I not surprised that
this moron's standing out here?

It's all right.
Look, I don't want any trouble, Martin.

Oh, you don't want any trouble?
You're about to get some trouble, boy!

You better get off my stoop!

You piece of shit!

That is a refreshingly honest response.

And let me just...

...drop some of that back on you,

and tell you I made a huge mistake, okay?
Guilty. Boom.

I stepped in it, big-time.
And I admit it, okay?

I jumped into a marriage way too quickly.

I only knew my wife for a couple
months before we got married, okay?

So that's the back story.

And how long did you know Miranda
before you decided she was the one?

Two days, and I hear that.

Let me just say to you,
"That's my point."

I'm not gonna make
the same mistake again, okay?

You can rest assured,
I have got my act together.

And once my annulment is finalized,

I really believe that Miranda
and I should just go slow.

I mean, you know, date for a while.

Move in together
for like a year, at least.

See what it feels like,
then go from there, okay?

No promises.

-Really?
-I wanna do everything right this time.

There ain't gonna be a "this time," Eddie.

The popcorn has popped.

Miranda and Cal got married
two weeks ago Saturday.

What?

What're you talking about?

She has finally come to her senses.

I don't believe you.

-Oh, you better believe it.
-Eddie...

-I don't believe you.
-Eddie...

...it's true.

They got married?

Well, can I...
At least, can I talk to her in person...

No, you cannot, all right?

-Martin! Martin! Calm down!
-You will stay the hell away...

...from Miranda, okay?

I'm gonna put my fist through your face!

I'll put both of my fists
through your face!

I'm calm! I'm calm! I'm being calm.

-You're holding me too tight!
-Stop it. Eddie...

Take it easy, boy.

-I'm fine.
-Now, look...

...we ask you to respect
Miranda and Cal's privacy.

Give those kids a chance to be happy.

If you care about Miranda,
that's what you'll do.

Okay, Beryl.

I will.

Miranda!

It's okay!

It's me. It's just Eddie.

Are you crazy?

This is crazy!

Hi!

-What the hell are you doing here?
-It's okay, it's okay.

Beryl told me you got married.

I just wanted to talk to you.

This is my husband sleeping right
next to me. Do you see that?

Yes, I do.

This is not the time
or the place to do this!

Please, please. Look, I'll keep it quiet.
I'll be cool. Just hear me out.

No! I am not going to hear you out!
This is insane!

I'm begging you! You don't know
what I've been through to get here.

Please, just hear me out.

You got one minute. Go.

Okay, look. First of all, I'm so sorry
I didn't tell you I was married.

See, I tried to tell you
a couple of times,

but we kept on getting interrupted.

And then there was this sort
of classic misunderstanding

about my wife being murdered.

Anyway, the point is...

No! The point is, whether you
tried to tell me or not,

you tried to pick me up
on your honeymoon!

Do you know how creepy that is?

Yes, I do. I do. It's repulsive,
and I owe you a massive apology.

But, on the other hand,
I'm glad it happened.

Look, it's not my fault
the Lord works in mysterious ways.

And so, yeah, I screwed up, okay?

I got married a week too early.

But you know what?
I wouldn't change any of it.

I don't regret marrying Lila

because if I hadn't,
then I wouldn't have gone to Cabo,

and I wouldn't have met you,

and I wouldn't have
fallen in love with you,

and I will never apologize for that.

Not ever.

God damn it, Eddie.

I know.

Cal, it's fine.

Martin! Martin, put the bat down.

Just shush, all right?
This ain't about you, it's about him!

What?

Who the hell is that guy?

This the psychopath who's trying
to steal your woman, man!

I knew you wouldn't stay away
from her, you son of a bitch!

I can't help it.

The heart wants what it wants.

Eddie, you've gotta get out of here!

Not until you give me an answer.

No! There ain't gonna be no answer!

Damn you, Martin!

Damn, that hurts! Shit! You...
Martin, that hurts!

You wanna throw down, tough guy?

I will mess your shit up! Come on.

I don't want any trouble here.
Why don't you just back up, all right?

Well, trouble's found you, pussy dick!

Dad! It's okay.
Look, Miranda, just tell me...

...do you feel the same way, or not?

We can figure everything else out.

No.

I don't, Eddie.

We had a connection in Mexico...

...and that's all it was.

I love Cal, and everything that
happened in Cabo made me realize that.

I'm sorry.

That's the deal.

Come on, kid, let's get out of here.

Come on, come on.

Come on.

Bitches be crazy, you know that.

Come on.

Yeah, take care, Grandpa.

Come on, let's go.

Wow...

Hey, Dad?

Take a look.

If she's watching,
it means I still have a shot.

Your goose is cooked, Eddie.

Come on, man.

You can't leave me now.

I finally straightened Tammy out.

What does that mean?

It means I stood up to her.

I told her that from now on,
Thursday through Sunday,

it's gonna be bros before hos.

I said, "I's needs my's alone time."

Really? You said that?

Just like that?
Putting your hand up, like...

Like, half that, yeah.

And she bought that?

Honey, I'm conversing
with Edward right now.

I'll speak to you later. Goodbye.

Wow. Impressive.

Yeah, see?

That's how it's gonna be from now on.
Please don't go.

Mac, we've been through this before.

There's no reason for me
to be here, okay?

Lila got the store in the divorce.
My dad...

...my dad's off in Vegas all the time.

I haven't really met anybody
in the last six months.

That's because you're still
hung up on that Miranda chick.

No, I'm not! I'm over her. I moved on.

In fact, I'm starting to think,

there's a lot of good that
came out of that experience.

-Oh, really?
-Yeah!

Like, you got to sit around for
six months in your panties,

growing that funky beard.

That was awesome.

Yeah, which is why I need to change.

I can't just sit around waiting
for life to happen to me.

I need to follow my instincts,

and right now my instincts
are telling me that I...

Mac, get your ass in
the fucking car right now!

You got it, sweetie. Hi.

Eddie! Think about what I said.

Bros before hoes!

How you doing, Eddie? You sad?

-No.
-Good.

Good. Okay.

Okay. Bye, Lester.

Now, for another 150 dollars,

I can give you the Uncle Tito special.

A guided tour to the island's best reef!

150 dollars?
That's a little steep, isn't it?

Or you can find it yourself.
You guys are pretty big.

I don't think you're gonna have
a problem fending off the sharks.

Tito!

Don't scare these people.
There's no sharks.

There's sand sharks,
but they don't have any teeth.

You see that attitude right there?

You have no business sense.

Hey, Manuelito! Do me a favor.

Help Tito give these folks
some snorkel gear, all right?

Throw in the fins for free.

-Oh, hey. Thanks, Eddie.
-Thanks again, Eddie.

How much for a skimboard?

Hey!

Hi!

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Down here with the family.

It's that time of year again.

Beryl and Boo are renewing their vows
on the beach this afternoon, so...

Wow.

And, to be honest, I had heard a rumor

that you'd opened a business down here.

Oh, yeah? How'd you...
how'd you hear that?

I got the e-vite for your grand opening.

Right. Yeah, I had a group
e-mail list that I...

I can't believe you really moved here.

Yeah, I did it. I...

...became one of those perma-vacationers,
like we talked about.

-Yeah, I remember.
-Yeah.

Suits you.

You look beautiful.

Thanks.

So, you down here with Cal
and the crew and...

Cal and I split up.

Split up.

He's a great guy, but we...

...probably should've
never gotten married.

I'm sorry.

I guess now I know what you
went through on your honeymoon.

It's not easy being married when...

...you're in love with someone else.

He's in the car, and I am dying for you
to meet him!

He's...

Really? He's in the car?

No!

No.

Funny.

Got me. That was...

-That's good. Very funny.
-Thank you.

So, you are single. You're single?

I am.

I'm actually staying at
the hotel, if you...

...wanna grab a drink or something.

I would love that.

How about tonight, 7:00?

7:00, I could do that. Yeah.

I could do that.

-Cool.
-Great.

Miranda!

Come on, we're gonna miss the ceremony!

I'm coming!

Hey, Martin!

Hello, asshole!

Great to see you, too!

So, I'll see you tonight.

Yeah, I'll see you tonight.

Eddie?

Who was that?

Oh, hey! Yeah, it's unbelievable.
That was, um...

-...Gretchen Construbias.
-Who?

Gretchen Construbias, the CEO of Da Huey?

Da Huey Water Wear Sports. They're,
like, my biggest supplier.

Yeah. Yeah, anyway,
she's in town for one night.

She wants to get together and have
drinks at 7:00 to discuss credit terms.

-Tonight?
-Yeah.

Oh, but, honey,
it's our first anniversary.

I know, I know. But, Consuela,
I'll be back by 9:00, so...

-Oh, okay.
-Okay.

So we have a late dinner?

Yes, perfect.
Late dinner, and that'll be good,

because there's some stuff that
I think we should discuss.

Good stuff or bad stuff?

Well, I think at first...

...you might flinch,
but in the long run, great stuff.

I love you, Eddie.

Love, love, love, love, love.

Fuck me.

Cock me!

Cock me!

Yes, yes! Finally!

Yes, you're doing it!