All language subtitles for The Heartbreak Kid Edited Feature_EN_1

So, what's new, Eddie? Anything exciting?

Uh, yeah, we just got those
new Nike Sasquatch drivers into the store,

so that's been kind of cool.

Let me rephrase the question.

You been crushing any pussy?

No, Dad, I haven't been crushing
any pussy.

Seriously, who you booming?

Dad, seriously, I'm not "booming" anybody,

I'm just kind of dating
a little right now.

I don't get you.
You refuse to get married,

yet you don't really enjoy
the fruits of bachelor life.

It's like you're living
in a purgatory over here.

Dad, I don't refuse to get married.

It's just I wanna do it
with the right person, okay?

I'm sorry to ride you, pal.
I just want you to be happy.

I hate you to be alone on Valentine's Day.

I won't be. I'm going to a wedding.

Oh! Now you're talking.

Weddings are a great place to meet women.

Who's getting married?

Jodi.

Jodi?

What are you...

-What?
-Are you serious?

-Dad. Come on.
-Eddie, don't do this to yourself.

Oh, we're still friends.

I'm just saying,
watching your ex-fiancee...

walk down the aisle
on Valentine's Day might sting a little.

No. We're way past that.

Really. I mean, if anything,
it's gonna be cathartic.

Give me a little closure.

I think it's flat-out wrong,

but maybe I'm just old-fashioned.

Come on, skip the wedding.
You and me, we'll head to Vegas.

Maybe we'll get lucky
and tag-team a couple of broads.

Yeah, I have to say the idea of a
tag team with my 77-year-old father

is extremely tempting,
but I already RSVP'd, so...

I appreciate the offer. Come on, come on.

Hey, can I get a beer, please?

And I will get a Cosmopolitan.

No problem.

Cosmopolitan?
Isn't that sort of a female-type drink?

Oh yeah. Yeah.
Tammy turned me on to them.

And I pretty much drink
what she drinks, so...

Oh. Really?

Yeah. Happy wife, happy life.

That's a good one.
"Happy wife, happy life." I like that.

-Rhymes. Must be true.
-Yeah. Thank you.

Wow. Look at Jodi. She looks great, huh?

Yeah, she looks really good.

And she's got the kind of looks
that are gonna last, you know?

Look at her mom. Oh, what a cougar.

Some good genes there.

Hey. Come on.

Look, you had five years to pull
the trigger with Jodi, okay?

And if I recall, you had plenty
of reasons for calling it off.

Yeah. I know. I'm just trying
to remember what they were.

Oh, God, there was a million of them.

Uh, "She doesn't like
my fantasy football league."

"She never shares her food."

"She doesn't try anything new."

Man, what are you... That's not my voice.

That's you. That's exactly you.
That's spot-on you.

I don't sound like an Italian mouse.

Uh, little bit.

I do not-a talk-a like this.

Oh, yeah? Okay, remember this one?

"She hates-a Caddyshack-a."

Yeah, and you know why
she hates-a Caddyshack?

'Cause she said that the
gopher looked too fake.

Come on, that would bother you.

Oh, totally. Totally.

Throw away a chance at happiness
because the gopher looks fake.

Come on, man. You've never been married.
You're 40 years old.

Eddie, at some point you're just gonna
have to close your eyes and jump.

I did it. I'm the happiest guy I know.

Hey, Eddie.

Oh, hey.

-How are you?
-I'm good. How are you doing?

Good, good. Are you sad?

-No.
-Oh, good. Good.

Mac, come on, honey, we gotta go.
Everyone's already at our table.

-Lead the way, gorgeous.
-Is that for me?

-No, that's his.
-Well, it's mine now.

What table you at, Eddie?

I am at table...

34.

Oh, too bad. We're at 11.

We're at 11.

-Okay. See you later.
-Alright.

-Save me a dance. Don't forget.
-I won't.

-Mac, come on.
-Bye. Gotta go.

Cheers!

And that was that!

-Oh, excuse me.
-Yeah.

Hey, are you running this whole thing?

Oh, sure.

Walk up to the first homo you see

and assume he's the wedding
coordinator, right? Nice.

-No, no. I didn't mean that.
-Nice stereotype, buddy, nice.

Did I hear someone say
"wedding coordinator?"

That would be moi.
So, how can I help you?

I think there's been a mistake,

'cause I'm at table 34,
but that's the kids' table.

Oh, oh. That's not the kids' table.

That's the singles' table. Enjoy.

Wife couldn't make it, huh?

No wife.

Divorced?

Uh, no.

Girlfriend?

Kind of in-between right now.

Sort of playing the field
and keeping my options open, you know?

-Hey, mister.
-What?

Are you gay?

-No.
-Yes! You owe me 10 bucks.

Hold on, hold on. Are you bi?

No. No, I'm not bi.

See? It's a tie. We both lose.

Are you like a widow or something?

Yeah. I'm a widow. That's... Yeah.

-Oh, sorry.
-He's full of it. He's gay.

No. I'm not gay.

Let's play five-in-five, then.

What is that?

It's where I ask you
five questions in five seconds.

If you're telling the truth,
then you shouldn't have to think.

Yeah. I don't wanna play your game. Sorry.

-Quick. How'd your wife die?
-Murdered.

-How?
-Ice pick.

-They get the guy?
-Yeah.

-What was his name?
-Ronald.

-Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe. Who's hotter?
-Brad Pitt.

-What? I thought you...
-Yeah, we got you.

No, I thought you meant
who's hotter career-wise.

You're totally busted.

-Gay.
-Gay.

You're gay.

And I just want you all to know that...

...Jodi is the only woman I've ever loved.

And I wanna thank her
for letting me into her fairytale life.

And that's not to say I didn't have to
kiss a few frogs before I met my prince.

Cantrow! Did you hear that?

But seriously, Michael has been
the answer to all my prayers.

And quite frankly, he's the only
guy my father ever approved of.

And that's because he's the first guy
she ever went out with

who wasn't a total asshole.

Alright, all right, okay.

Look, thank you all for coming.

We're gonna have some fun today, right?

Stop him, he's got my purse!
Somebody stop him!

Hey, stop! Hey, stop! Stop!

Fuck off, man!
This has nothing to do with you!

-Calm down, buddy, give me the purse.
-Back off, man!

I swear to God,
I'll cut your fucking head off!

-Give me the...
-I will snap you!

No, man, that's mine. It's mine!
Hey, man, man, it's mine. It's mine!

It's mine!

Shit.

Shit!

Oh, God, are you okay?

No, it stings. He Maced me.

It's just my perfume.

Shit, I can't believe this!

I've got everything in there.
My credit card, my wallet.

Everything is in that bag.

My license, my keys, my life.

Yeah, that guy, he's like a freak.

I mean, I just...
I tried to stop him, but...

Sorry. I almost had him.

No, no, it's not your fault.

I should have, like, punched
him or something. I'm sorry.

Thank you. It was really
cool of you to get involved.

Here. Let me help you with this stuff.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't wanna...

I don't know what the protocol there is.

-It's okay. I got it. No problem.
-Okay.

Nice undergarment there.
So, there you go.

-So, you live around here?
-Yes, I do. Yeah, I do.

I actually live a couple blocks down.

-Over by Bay City Sports?
-Bay City Sports? I...

Yeah, a big sports... Sort of sporting
goods emporium, over on Van Ness.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-I think I know that.

-I actually own the place, so...
-Oh, cool.

Yeah. Yeah, it's fun.

-Oh, this is me.
-That's you? Okay.

I don't have any money.
He took my wallet.

Oh, wait a minute. Here. I got it.

Oh, no. I wasn't saying it to...
You've done enough. Really.

No. Here. Please. Please.
I got a five-spot. Here you go.

Go ahead. Take it. I got like hundreds
of dollars in the bank, so I'm good.

Oh, I can't take it, then.

No, I'm kidding. I do fine.

I mean, I'm not rich, I'm comfortable.
I'm good. Go ahead. Get on the thing.

-Got it.
-Alright.

-Take it easy.
-Thank you.

Alright.

Hey, what's your name?

Lila!

Lila, I'm Eddie! Eddie... Eddie Cantrow!

Okay!

Shit.

Oh, yeah. This is your girl, Eddie.

I've always said you can tell a lot
about a woman by her panties.

When have you ever said that?

I've said it like a mantra.

You just don't pay attention.

So, did you get her digits?

No, I didn't get her digits.

The girl had just gotten mugged.
I wasn't gonna hit on her.

Wait a second. She's hot, friendly,

it's Valentine's Day, she's all alone...

She has David Bowie,
your all-time favorite musician,

pasted on her undies.

And you don't think to ask her out?

It was... A lot was going on.

I mean, I had just gotten sprayed in
the eye by a very sting-y perfume.

I was disoriented. I was...

And it never occurred to you
to chase the trolley down the street,

waving her underwear
and calling out her name?

No! I mean, look,
this girl was incredibly gorgeous.

There's no way in hell she's single.

I'm sure she's got, like,
a dot-com billionaire boyfriend.

A billionaire who makes her do
the wash at a laundromat

on Valentine's Day.

Come on, Eddie! She was available.
You wimped out.

Oh, that's my wife.

Okay.

Hey, honey. Yeah.

Okay, sure, you got it. Right away.

Alright, guys. I'm on husband duty.

-Aunt Flo just arrived at our house.
-Who's Aunt Flo?

Tammy just got her period,
so gotta pick her up some Maxibons.

Is there anything that she asks you to do
that you don't jump to attention for?

No. Why? I wanna make her happy.

That's why I grew out the bangs.

Sorry you let that girl go, Eddie.
Sounded like a keeper.

-Thank you, makes me feel better.
-You're welcome.

He speak of the truth.

All you had to do
was ask her out for coffee...

...or a goddamn piece of pie.

Oh, pie. Yeah, pie really
would've clinched the deal, Dad.

I'm just saying, when you
happen on ass-floss like these,

you don't let them get away.

I'm late for a root canal. Be good.

Alright, Ralphie, let's go.

Shit. Eddie, what am I doing wrong?

Alright. First of all, don't
ever swing at the first pitch.

-You gotta be patient.
-But the ball was right down the middle.

It was a little high and inside.

Hey, pussy dick,
can you break away for nine holes?

You know what? I'm in the
middle of something, Dad.

Listen, everybody wants
to hit homers, right?

But the fact is,
a walk's as good as a hit.

-It is?
-Yeah.

That's the worst piece of advice
I ever heard.

-Swing at the next one, slugger.
-No, wait.

You want me to swing or wait?

Listen to me, I'm older than him.

-Swing!
-Wait.

Swing!

No, Dad, now you're screwing him up.

Oh, my God.

-Dad, that's her.
-Who?

That's the girl I was telling you
about, Lila. You gotta get out of here.

-Go. Go, go, go.
-Relax. I'm not gonna blow your cover.

But it's nice to put a face
to the panties.

Where did you get those?

Will you calm down? They're not for me.

I was just gonna bring them by the club!

What? A guy can't brag about his own kid?

-No, Dad. Dad.
-Give me. Give me.

-Hi.
-Hey.

I was in the neighborhood
looking for a fleece.

What do you think?

Excellent taste.

That's my dad.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Nice to meet you, Lila.

How do you know my name?

Okay, cat's out of the bag.

My son found your panties
on the sidewalk,

and we've been talking
about you all week.

Eddie, give her back
her undies, will you?

Here you go.
I was watching those for you...

...hoping you'd come in and claim them.

It worked out.

-Okay.
-We're good now.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Okay. My work here is done.

Let me go.

He's so cute.

Yeah, he is. He's a cutie.

-So, what do you think?
-Well, what are you looking to do?

You looking to just go hiking,
or bopping around town, or...

Uh, little bit of both, probably.

Okay, well, they're both quick-dry
material, which is good,

'cause it wicks away
the sweat from the surface,

allows it to evaporate quickly.

But if I was gonna go with one,
I'd probably go with the Patagonia,

'cause it's 100 percent recycled material.

Hey, you a pie fan?

A fan of pie? Do you like pie?
The... Pie? Food? Pie.

Oh, pie. Like apple pie, and...
Yeah, I love pie.

Get out of town.

So you're an environmental researcher.

Why do you sound so surprised?

No, it's just, I mean, you know,
you don't really look like the...

...prototypical scientist type.

Well, it's not really that scientific.

-Well... I mean...
-It's more, you know...

-...it's just researching.
-Yeah, yeah. Right.

I know. Just research.

Well, it is.

Well, I'm sure you make it sound
much simpler than it is, but...

...for us knuckleheads who, you know...

-...sell baseball gloves...
-No, you're not a knucklehead.

Eddie...

...can I be honest with you?

Yeah, sure.

I didn't really need that fleece
that I bought today.

I came in the store today to see you.

Really?

-Yeah.
-Oh, cool.

I mean, if you wanna return
the fleece, it's fine, seriously.

No, Eddie, I don't.
I don't wanna return it.

Okay, but just know that that's okay, too.

-No, I love it.
-I mean, aside from all of this other...

Eddie.

I think it's perfect for me.

You're not mad?

Of course I'm not mad.

I don't want you to do anything
you're not comfortable with. Come on.

I know it's silly.
I mean, it's not like...

-...I'm a virgin or anything.
-Lila.

You don't owe me any explanations, okay?
Really.

I know, but I just want you
to understand where I'm coming from.

I just...

...I've seen how sleeping together
too soon can ruin a relationship and...

...I don't wanna risk what we have.

'Cause what we have is
really, really nice.

Last time I checked,
we're not in a race, right?

Cool.

-Alright.
-Alright.

-Good night.
-Night.

Sleep well.

I will.

Eddie, phone call, Line 3. It's Lila.

Hey, baby, how you doing?

What's wrong?

How long do they want you
to live in Rotterdam?

I don't know, it depends
on the restructuring.

I mean, at least two years.

-Two years?
-Maybe more.

Two years?

Why Germany?

Holland.

Can't you just tell them,
"I won't do it. I can't do it."

"I wanna be a researcher, but I'm not,
you know, I'm not gonna..."

Eddie, this is my career.
I can't say that.

I understand that, but can't you,
like, just say, you know...

...isn't there somebody else
who wants to go?

No, it's either me or
this other researcher, and he's married.

So what?

So, they don't move married people.
It's policy.

So what are the negatives?

Well, for one thing,
I've only known her for six weeks.

That's half a summer, Eddie.

I proposed to your mother
after three dates.

She gave me 18
of the best years of my life.

You were engaged to Jodi for five years.
What good did that do you?

Alright, yeah,
but there's other stuff, too.

Such as?

She doesn't have a great sense of humor.

Are you out of your mind?

Funny's a male gene, you idiot.

Haven't you ever noticed,

whenever you see a really funny girl,
she's a little mannish?

Think about it.

Lily Tomlin, Evelyn DeGeneres,
Rosie O'Donnell.

Oh, I got a thing for
Ellen DeGeneres, though.

I do. I have to admit it.

I think she's great. I think she's hot.

Great ass.

Check it out.

Alright, you know what?
Forget that stuff, okay? She's wonderful.

She's an incredible girl.
There's no better. Okay?

Still, just the idea of marriage.
It's just so permanent.

You know? It's like...

...it's like at the end of the day,
I'm choosing between Lila

and all the other women in the world.

You've barely nailed any of
the other women in the world.

You haven't crushed
more than three pussies

since you broke off with Jodi.

Dad, what is this obsession
with pussy-crushing counting?

I really, I just... I'm not
comfortable with that term.

Sorry. Snatch. Whatever.

Who do you think you are?

Just who the hell do you think
you are, Eddie?

Sitting here, trying to come up with
reasons not to marry this girl?

You should be thanking God that a woman
this fantastic would even consider you.

Now, unless you wanna be
the 75-year-old dad

at the Little League game,
I suggest you get on with your life,

'cause that's what this is, Eddie.

It's life!

Life, Eddie.

Goes like that.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Congratulations, buddy.
You hit a home run.

Can you believe it? I did it!

I finally took the plunge.

And you know what?

It feels great.

I told you it would.

Thank you. Thank you for talking
some sense into me, man.

I mean, look at this!

Look at this. I'm married
to this amazing girl.

I got the next three weeks off.

-We're road-tripping it down to Cabo.
-Cabo.

-That's it.
-You're in the club.

I'm in the club.

Hey, when you get down to the hotel,
ask for Uncle Tito.

And, give him this as a thank you.

Okay, look, remind me again,
who's Uncle Tito?

He's a friend of mine.

You know. I always take care of him.

He gives me a big discount
when I go down there.

He knows you're coming.

That's awesome, man. Thank you.

-Honey!
-Yeah. Alright.

My mom finally arrived!

Oh, great! Where is she?

There's my tiger!

Give me a hug.

I am so sorry I missed the ceremony.

Look at her, so beautiful.

That's the same dress I wore
on my wedding day.

Same designer?

No, it's the very same dress.

Spread out now, Rosie doctor

Come cut loose her mama's reins

You know playin' blind man's bluff
is a little baby's game

You pick up Little Dynamite

I'm gonna pick up Little Gun

And together we're gonna go out tonight

And make that highway run

You got a pretty good voice there.

Why, thank you, soul mate.

I'm glad you like it,

'cause you're gonna be hearing a lot
of it for the next 40 or 50 years.

40 or 50 years.

Hey, you know what I was thinking
when we get down there?

We should go out sport fishing.

I've always wanted to catch a marlin,
put it up in the store.

No, baby, I can't do that.

Why not?

Because I can't do boats.
I get really, really seasick.

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

That's okay. There's a lot of other
fun stuff we can do down there.

-Yeah.
-I definitely wanna get out...

...of the hotel a couple of days.

Maybe get a burro, you know?

A Mexican burro? Donkey?

Go up into the mountains?

You know, just have a little adventure.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I kind of thought it would be nice
to just relax on the beach, you know?

I mean, remember, honey,
this is a Third World country.

It can be really dangerous.

Yeah. Well, I mean, you know.

It's Cabo.

Yeah, exactly.

Come on, shake your body,
baby Do that conga

I know you can't control
yourself any longer

Come on, shake your body,
baby Do that conga

I know you can't control
yourself any longer

Fab Five Freddy told me everybody's fly

The DJ's spinning I said, my my

Flash is fast, Flash is cool
Francois sez fas, Flashe no do

And you don't stop
Sure shot, go out to the parking lot

And I'm ready to take a chance again

Ready to put my love on the line with you

I'll tell you what I want
What I really, really want

So, tell me what you want
What you really, really want

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna

I wanna really, really,
really Wanna zigazig

Muskrat Suzie, Muskrat Sam

Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land
And they shimmy

Hey, baby? Honey?

Why don't we turn off the radio for
a little bit, and just sort of...

...sort of vibe out on the wind...

...and chill out a little?

I've got a better idea.

-Why don't we go find a room and fuck?
-Okay.

-You like that, Eddie?
-Yeah.

Yeah, you like that, don't you?

I do.

Tell me how much you like it.

I like it a lot!

Do you like that?

Yeah. Yeah, I like that.

How about that?

No, no, no, no.

No, no. No, no. No, no, don't like that.

Now, I know what to do
when Eddie's a bad boy.

Do you think maybe we can switch up
the position a little bit?

'Cause I'm starting to get cramped here.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah. Okay, good.

You wanna do the Inverted Corkscrew?

Remind me, again, what's that?

It's just like the Swedish Helicopter,
except you spin me.

Okay. You know what? I don't...
I'm not a big helicopter guy.

No, never mind.
Just Jackhammer me, Eddie.

Okay, I... What's a...

Jackhammer me, Eddie! Jackhammer me!

-What is a...
-Jackhammer me! Jackhammer me!

Hey, hey, I got an idea. You know what?

Guess what. Guess what.

Why don't we just, you know,
do, like, a little missionary position

for a little bit?

What's that?

Missionary position. You know.

It's like, you know,
when I'm on top of you,

just a regular guy on top of a girl?
Yeah?

-Okay.
-Yeah?

Can you Pile Drive me from that position?

That was so beautiful.

Could you not make those little circles?

Just... My skin's kind
of sensitive right now.

Well, what if I made little squares?

I don't think any shapes...

I don't wanna do any shapes right now.

Okay?

Is my Eddie Bear gonna be grouchy
for the next 40 to 50 years?

I'm not being grouchy. Honey.

Where you going?

Pee-pee.

That wasn't what you think it was!

What? I didn't hear anything.

Oh, good.

'Cause I just queefed, big-time.

Okay.

Mr Cantrow's awfully quiet this morning.

Nah, I'm always quiet
in the morning, sort of.

I take a little while to...

...get up to steam.

Will you hold my hand while we eat?

I really like that.

Hold your hand? Of course, of course.

Baby. Baby, look.

They're so cute. That's us in 10 years.

Ten? I don't know about that.
I mean, it seems like a little...

...I hope it's more than 10 years.

You're probably right.
I'm really bad at math.

-Eddie, can I ask you something?
-Yeah.

Last night...

...you didn't think I was too...

...hairy down there, did you?

I know a lot of women shave completely,
but I don't like that.

You know, it makes me
feel like a little girl.

But if you want, I could trim it.

And that way you'd be able
to see my kitty ring better.

I don't think so.

I mean, I think...
No, that's a good. I could see it.

Was good visibility on it.

Okay.

You okay?

-God.
-You all right?

There's the apple juice out the nose.

It's just this stupid
deviated septum that I have,

and it just... everything just...

You've got a deviated septum?

There was a kid at my camp
who had a deviated septum.

-Really?
-Yeah. He used to snore like a pig.

-Well, I don't snore.
-Good.

But I do have a lot of fluids
coming out of my nose,

more than I'd like.

We just have to keep you
away from liquids?

Baby, look at them. They are so cute.

They are adorable.

Chicken in the bread
pan pickin' out dough

"Granny, does your dog bite?"
"No, child, no"

This is amazing!

It's even better than the brochure.

Baby, look at this!

Not too shabby.

Eddie?

Yeah?

I need to say something.

I've never been married before,

and I've been wanting everything
to be so perfect that...

...I think I've been acting
a little... off.

-No!
-Yes.

Really, I have. I've been trying so hard

to act like I'm all
comfortable with everything

that I think I've gone
too far the other way.

Well, maybe a little.

I mean, but you know what?
I'm nervous, too.

I mean, here we are.
We, you know... We're married.

I've never been married before.
We're both new at this.

I'm glad you said something.

Good. Well, what do you
say we just reset?

I like that. Yeah. Let's just... Reset.

Press the TiVo button.

Look at this! Oh, my God!

El Mariachi!

I love it. This is the real Mexico, baby!

Hey.

Here you go.

Por favor, stay close this week with us.
It's our honeymoon.

Oh, my God.
They have some major happy hour.

Eddie Bear, you go check us in.

-I'll get a snack.
-Okay.

Do me a favor, play for her.
Go. Yes, serenade her.

Hey look, it's that fruit
from the wedding.

Hey.

What are you guys doing here?

I don't know.
We're on vacation with our parents.

You look disappointed to see us.

What? Did you think
this was a gays-only resort?

For your information,
the hot blond over there, she's with me.

That's who I'm gonna be
sleeping with tonight, so...

I'll give you this. It's impressive.

-Yeah.
-How does he do it?

Does he tuck his balls under
or does he tape them up real high?

You know what?

Why don't you take your little
Human Genome Project and hit the road?

You homophobic hobbits.

Punks.

-Hola, senor.
-Hey.

Uh, do you think you could tell me
where I could find Uncle Tito?

Yes. May I ask who is inquiring?

Yeah, my name's Eddie Cantrow,
and I'm a friend of a friend of his.

I'm supposed to give him something.

I'm sorry to tell you this,
but he no longer works here.

He's actually in jail
serving six to ten years.

He was caught running cock fights,

and I'm not speaking about
the kind with roosters.

Really?

Screw off! I'm joking, man!

Come on! I am Uncle Tito!

Pleasure to meet you.

You're Uncle Tito! Okay.

You should have seen
the look on your face.

Did you bring the present from Mac?

Yes, I did. Yes. Here. Yeah, here you go.

-Gracias.
-It's funny, I... Uncle Tito.

I was thinking of, like,
an older, gray-haired...

-Yes.
-I don't know why.

-You like the hair? Yeah.
-I like it. You got a whole... Yeah.

Mama sita..

Pardon me. I was wanting
to know if we could...

Here is the adult sex tape you ordered,
Senor Cantrow.

I will bill it to your room.

Would you like me to bring up any more?

No. Thank you.

Perfecto! You will have
a fun night tonight.

Baby, you've gotta try this Mind Eraser.

The guy put in, like,
four shots of Patron.

You are even more sexier
than Mac described.

Oh, thank you.

I was not talking to you,
I was talking to him.

Screw off! I'm joking, man!

Come on. You are unbelievably hot.

By the way, please put your
jewelry inside the safe.

I cannot tell you how many
honeymooners come down here

and they lose their rings on the beach.

-It's very sad.
-Okay, thanks for the tip.

Also, Mac's a pal,

so I want you to know
I totally set you guys up.

I got you the honeymoon suite.

Hey, all right, thank you!

This is amazing!

How beautiful is this?

Man.

Look at that view.

Eddie, think fast!

Honey, come on! Babe!

You could take out an eye
with that thing.

Hush, I didn't even come close.

Man, look at this place.

Jeez. Wonder how much the room costs.

Honey, stop worrying about money.
This is our honeymoon.

We're gonna remember this for
the next 40 to 50 years.

You're right.

I'm thinking like a single guy.

I gotta remember we're
a two-income family now.

Really?

You have a second job?

No, I mean my salary, your salary.

My salary?

Yeah. What?

You wanna keep our finances separate now?

Honey, I'm a volunteer.

Yeah?

Well, how much do volunteers make?

A volunteer is a volunteer.

I help raise money for
my environmental group.

I told you this.

So...

...they force volunteers
to move to Rotterdam?

Unmarried volunteers?

They don't force them.

But if you wanna get in good
with the company,

you gotta play the game.

You told me...

...you're an environmental researcher.

Yeah, I am.

Unless you don't count,

wading in the freezing-cold
San Francisco Bay for three months,

measuring PCBs and getting
stung by jellyfish,

which I won't even tell you what they
had to do to take the pain away.

They had to pee on me.

You get stung by a jellyfish,

that makes you
an environmental researcher?

You know what, Eddie?

I love my job and I don't have
to defend it to you.

Job? No, no, no. I don't think
you're allowed to call it a job.

Really? And what am I supposed
to call it?

-A hobby?
-A hobby?

A hobby. You get paid for a job.

-Says who?
-Says the dictionary.

Well, who reads the dictionary?
Not everybody.

Yeah, apparently not! A "job" is a word.

-There is a definition for it!
-You married me for my money.

What? No, wait a minute, wait a minute.

-Don't turn this around.
-What's next?

You're gonna steal my purse,
like my last boyfriend did?

Your last boyfriend stole your purse?

Duh! You were there!

That was your boyfriend?

That maniac mugger guy?

That was my ex-boyfriend.

The crazy guy on the bike
was your ex-boyfriend?

-Yes.
-And you didn't tell me this. Why?

Why would I?
You and I were complete strangers.

So...

...and why was he stealing your purse?

Because he owed me money,
so I took his wallet.

And I'm not about to leave
it in my apartment,

because then he'd break
in and steal it back.

So I kept it in my purse,
along with his keys and his cell phone.

And let me tell you something else
about my little "hobby."

One day, our kids are gonna
inhabitate this Earth.

And I'm just trying to make sure

that there's some aqua life
left for when they do!

-That's not a word.
-What's not a word?

-"Inhabitate." Not a word.
-Really?

Why don't you look it up in
your little "dictionary,"

and why don't you look up
"shitfuck" while you're at it?

I will look it up with "shitfuck!"
And guess what?

I won't find "inhabitate" or "shitfuck!"

Fuck! Shit!

Lila?

Lila?

This is stupid.

Excuse me.

A little help?

Sorry, I dropped my camera.

Doesn't look broken.

No, don't throw it. I'll be right down.

Okay.

-Here you go.
-Thanks.

I didn't mean to sneak up on you.
I was...

Yeah. No problem.

Was that you this morning at Reception?

Yeah.

That wasn't what it looked like.

Just looked like you were
renting a videotape.

No, no, I know, but I wasn't.

I mean, that wasn't... I wasn't.

You don't have to explain to me.

Alright? Boys will be boys.

I got a cousin who drives a truck

with a bumper sticker that says,
"Born Hard."

Right. Okay, but I'm not that guy.
I mean, I'm not...

Miranda!

We're getting ready to play Parcheesi!

Please come upstairs.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

That's my cousin.

That's your cousin?

-We're down here for a family reunion.
-Yeah?

Yeah. My...

...aunt and uncle renew their
wedding vows every year.

It's a little hokey, but...
they're still in love after 42 years.

-God bless them. So we go along with it.
-That's nice.

Yeah. What about you?

What's got you standing out here
mumbling to yourself?

Running low on your medication?

Was I mumbling?

-Yeah.
-Audibly?

Miranda!

We are all ready to play Parcheesi.

I'm coming!

-Alright, okay. Hope your camera's okay.
-Alright.

Happy mumbling.

Hey.

I'm so sorry.

-No, no, no. Honey, I'm sorry.
-No.

-I'm sorry.
-No, no, no. I'm sorry.

Look, really. Look, first of all...

...I love that you love the fishes, okay?

And I think it's great that you
wanna clean up the ocean, okay?

-Really?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just...

-...you know... I got all worked up.
-Eddie.

-But you were right, Eddie.
-No, no.

Yes. They should have been paying me
a long time ago.

Whatever. Whatever.

No, but really, I mean...

...how am I ever gonna get out of debt
if I keep letting them do this to me?

How are you gonna what?

Get out of debt.

You're in debt?

What kind of debt?

You know, the kind where you owe
a lot of money to people.

How much money?

Well, it's not so bad. I mean...

...ever since I stopped doing the blow,
it's...

...down to about 26K.

You had a... you snorted...

...you had a cocaine problem?

That's how I got
the deviated septum, remember?

You said you had a deviated septum.

You didn't say that you had a...
you know...

...snorting the cocaine.

Yeah, but that's how you get
a deviated septum.

I didn't... okay.

That kid at camp, he didn't have a...

-...blow problem, you know. He was...
-Well, how do you know?

Because he was eight
and he was my bunk-mate.

I mean, you know, I would
have been aware...

Tell me a little bit more
about this, though.

You know, it's a chapter of my life
that I'm not particularly proud of.

Right, right.

But you know what?

If I had to do it all over again...

...I wouldn't change a darn thing.

Because it made me who I am today.

And do you know who I am today, Eddie?

No.

Who are you?

I'm Mrs Edmund Cantrow.

Edward.

"Edward?" You didn't tell me that!

I... Yeah, Edward.

Well, Mr Cantrow.

Are there any other dark,
dirty secrets that I should know about?

Here, put some of this on my back.

This is mineral oil.

Yeah.

No, you need sunblock down here.

No, you gotta use oil if
you wanna get savage.

Babe, I'm telling you,
the sun's really strong down here.

You need like a 30 or a 35. I got some.

Are you becoming a control freak?

I mean, first the thing about,

having to tip the maid every day,
and now this?

Forget about it, Eddie.
I'll just do it myself.

If it's such a problem.

I'm just saying the sun's
really different down here.

The sun is the sun, Eddie.

Honey!

Grouchy Marx, calm down.

Hey, look. He really is with that babe.

Man, she is banging.

That means he was telling the truth
about his wife getting ice-picked.

That's messed up.

Eddie, make them go away.

Thank you, no.

Not now. Thank you. We're okay.

It's okay. We don't want any.

-Thank you, though.
-Give them money.

-Give them money.
-Okay. Here you go.

Here you go. Thank you, but we're fine.

We're just gonna take
a little snoozelito.

We snooze.

No, no, no.

You stop.

Stop.

No?

It's not my fault.

It's the stupid Mexican ozone!

No. The Mexican ozone isn't stupid, Lila.

You just needed to wear some sunscreen.

I was trying to get a tan.

No, you were trying to get "savage."

Whose side are you on, Eddie?

What? What sides are there?

Mine or the ozone's? Choose one!

I'm on your side, all right?
Just calm down.

Now look, I'm gonna put
a little of this...

...aloe on your back, okay?

Should make you feel better.

You fucking cunt!

Or not.

-Hello?
-Hey, Pop, it's me.

Listen, is this a good time?

I'm in Vegas. Flew out for the weekend.

You okay, kid?

No, I'm not okay.
Dad, I got big, big problems here.

I think Lila might be...

...I think she might be a little off.

Kitty ring?

So, let me get this straight.

You think your wife's a nutcase
because on your honeymoon,

in a tropical paradise,
she's singing a lot,

wanting to have sex around the clock,

and, accidentally, she got
a little too much sun?

Well, yeah, but it's a lot
worse than it sounds.

Now listen to me, and listen to me good!

When your wife on her honeymoon
asks you to cock her,

you cock her good, God damn it!

Senor Eddie, are you finished?

Yeah. Thanks, Tito.

Where is your lovely wife this evening?

She got a little too much sun,
so she decided to crash out early.

Are you sure it was the sun that
made her tired, and not you?

You.

-Tito!
-Yes, senorita.

Alright, I want another round,
but make it Flytails this time.

No problem.

Hey.

Hey! What are you doing
down here at the bar?

VCR break down?

I was starting to chafe.

-So...
-Well, that's the way it goes.

-You're Miranda, right?
-I am.

I'm Eddie.

Nice to meet you, officially.

Nice to meet you, too.

What's a Flytail?

I've got no idea,
but it's got tequila and a cool name,

so I thought I'd give it a whirl.

I like your thinking.

You know who figured out
how to do it right?

The people who live in the spots
where the rest of us vacation.

Yeah. You mean like
those perma-vacationers.

-Yeah.
-Though, I don't know.

You think they're really
having that good a time?

-Hell yeah.
-Really?

-Oh, of course.
-Really? I don't know.

I mean, I always feel like those people,
like, must be running from something.

They're running from their boring lives.

You know, most people get two
or three weeks of vacation to have fun.

These people, man,
they party all year round.

Yeah.

Where are you from?

Oxford, Mississippi.

Really?

You don't have an accent.

-Excuse me?
-Yeah?

Are you here on your honeymoon?

Actually, I am.

Are you having a good time?

We're having an incredible time.

We're having the time of our lives.

What the hell are you doing down here?
Why don't you go to your room?

She's... she's...

Here are your Flytails.

Thank you!

Sweetheart, will you help me
with the drinks?

Oh, yeah, sure, Dream Weaver. No problem.

Just gonna help her. Take it easy.

Hey, next time you tell people
we're married,

I'd appreciate if you at least
acted happy.

Yeah, well, actually...

Miranda! Where have you been?

Relax, everybody, I got more booze.

-This is my friend, Eddie.
-Hi.

Hey, how'd you manage to make
a friend down here, Miranda?

I put an ad in the paper.

Eddie, this is my family, starting
with my aunt and uncle, Beryl and Boo.

Oh, Beryl and Boo.
It's your anniversary, right?

-That's right. Thank you.
-Congratulations.

I think that's a beautiful name, Boo.

Is that short for something?

I'm Boo.

Sorry.

-Yeah, it's short for Buford.
-Buford?

Okay. But why don't they call you "Byoo?"

Byoo! Why didn't we ever think of that?

It's been sitting there for 30 years
and we never even noticed it.

And then you walk up, and boom!

You are a hair-trigger is what you are.
That is too funny.

These are my cousins, Buzz and Martin.

-Hello, Mr Funny, I'm Buzz.
-Pleasure to meet you.

And their lovely wives,
Deborah and Gayla.

I remember you, Eddie.

You're the film buff, right?

And the lovely man in the back
is my Grandpa Anderson.

Hi there.

Well, nice to meet all of you guys.

I'm gonna get running,
but have a great night.

-Excuse me, senor.
-Yeah?

You have a round of shots
from your new friends.