Original subtitles

Can you not see that I don't want to talk right now?

Are you blind?

How idiotic can you be?

Can you not tell that I don't want any water?

Enough with the nagging and the water! Just shut up!

Just shut up!

I don't know what to say.

Finally.

"Finally", you said?

You little shit.

You condescending, self-absorbed little shit.

I can't do anything right by you, can I, Andy?

Everything I say is wrong, everything I do is wrong.

Go ahead.

Why don't you keep insulting me?

'Cause you haven't made it quite clear

just how much you can't stand being with me!

What do you think, I'm stupid? You think I'm stupid?

No.

You think I don't know that you went to school in California

so that you'd only have to see me once a year?

Why, Andy? Why?

What did I do wrong?

What did I do? Did I care for you too much?

Did I love you too much? What did I do?

-Okay, Ma. -What did I do? It's not okay!

This is the way you talk to me?

Like I'm some thing that has to be tolerated?

Well, let me tell you something, kiddo.

You don't have to like me, or spend time with me.

But as long as I'm your mother, you will treat me with respect.

Now drink your fucking water before you drop dead from dehydration!

I was telling you this story

that was about Macy's and...

-You heard of Macy's? -Yes, ma'am.

I was sitting in the car, you see,

and I was trying to jam the key in the ignition,

but it wouldn't turn on. And you know why it wouldn't turn on?

Because I was sitting in the wrong car!

Isn't that funny? It was very funny at the time.

-Hey, Ma. -Oh, my God!

Look at who's here. The big, bad son!

-Andy! -Hey, son.

What, did you come to get me?

We should probably head back to the room, for a minute.

-I don't think so. -No?

I'm having fun here, Andy! I'm being fun!

And I'm meeting men! Andy!

Isn't that what you wanted?

-That's not really what I meant, Mom. -No.

Everybody, say hello to my little boy

who lives in California, far away from his mommy.

The opposite side of the world.

-Ma, you're drunk right now. -Please!

-You've had too much to drink. -I am not drunk.

I'm not drunk! He's far, far away.

But that's okay! It's okay. Jimmy?

You know it's okay because he calls me on my birthday

and sometimes he comes home for Thanksgiving.

I need another one of these drinky-poos! Okay?

Coming up.

Jimmy, I think she's actually had enough to drink,

thank you very much.

No, I haven't! Don't listen to him, Jimmy!

I want another drink, and I need more cheesy fries.

Seriously, I think she's had enough to drink.

Sorry, boss.

The lady wants a drink, she's getting a drink.

The thing is, the lady doesn't actually need a drink.

I paid for it, she's drinking it.

Look, you are crazy if you think

I'm gonna let you give that drink to my mom.

You should just get out of my way now.

Wait...

Actually, I'm really tired.

-I think we should be going. -Yeah.

We gotta be going.

No, no, no.

-Thank you so much. -Joyce...

-No... -Hey! Hey!

Oh, my God!

No, no, Jimmy...

Quite a night.

Do you remember what I used to say

when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up?

I didn't say baseball player.

A lot of my friends wanted to be Power Rangers.

That was a very popular profession.

I was the weirdest kid in the world,

because I said organic chemist every time!

I mean, that's the only thing I ever wanted to be.

Do you remember that?

Yes, I do.

Always doing these strange experiments in the basement,

wearing these goggles. I remember them.

Four times too big for your head.

Dude, those things saved my eyes many times.

I went to UCLA because they have the best organic chemistry program

in the country.

That's the only reason.

You hungry?

-Always. -Okay.

All right. Let's see.

I'll have an appetizer...

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

Thanks.

I like those hats.

I'm sorry about last night, Ma, what I said.

I shouldn't have said that.

I said some things, too.

Yeah, you did.

I haven't made one sale, Ma.

I...

I've spent the last five years developing a product that's really good,

and that I can't sell, at all, to anybody.

All my money, all my time, all the money Dad left me,

I have none of that anymore.

And, honestly, I have...

...no idea what I'm going to do from now on, so...

I thought you should know that.

-Why didn't you say anything? -I don't know.

You know, you always say, "Who could say no to you?"

I didn't want to...

I didn't want to have to read you the list.

I could give you advice.

-I'm sure you could. -But I'm not going to.

'Cause you're a grown-up, Andy,

and I want you to be your own man.

-So you can... -When did you call Anita?

Before I went to the bar last night.

Okay.

Andy, don't give up, okay?

I mean, we still have three more meetings, right?

We have Santa Fe, we have Vegas, San Francisco.

And it's not over yet, okay?

Yeah.

About San Francisco, Ma...

Welcome to Cattlemen's. Y'all know what you want?

What is this thing here?

Oh, that's our specialty!

It's the biggest piece of Grade A steak around.

-Yeah? -Fifty ounces!

It comes with a dinner salad, roll,

shrimp cocktail and a baked potato.

Now, if you can eat that all in under an hour,

you get it for free. And you get a T-shirt!

Really?

How much is it if you don't finish?

A hundred bucks.

-A hundred bucks? -Ma,

are you kidding me right now?

You're broke, honey. Don't turn free down.

And you know how I can eat!

Yeah, that's four and a half pounds of meat, Mom.

That's a lot of meat!

I mean, that's like eating a poodle. You know?

You actually think you can do that?

I don't just think it, honey. I know it.

It's just if I want to do it, that's it.

Well, you want to do it, hon?

Yeah. I'm gonna do it.

But I want the salad dressing on the side.

It's a Weight Watchers thing.

Ladies and gentlemen!

If you would direct your attention to the stage,

you will find Miss Joyce Brewster.

Hi.

Now, Joyce is from New Jersey.

-Hey, now... -Oh, that's not nice.

That's not nice! Joyce is from New Jersey,

but she's going to eat like a Texan tonight!

Now, in the next hour, Joyce will have to consume

a tossed salad, with dressing on the side...

Healthy.

One of our dinner rolls.

Yum!

A shrimp cocktail!

-Love them. -A baked potato!

As well as this here.

That is big!

Holy shit!

And it all has to get down and stay down in under an hour.

Everybody, let's give Joyce a great big hand!

-And let's go! -Okay.

-I have to put my napkin down. -Come on, Joyce!

Don't get all dainty, Joyce.

-Just dig in. Like a buzz saw. -Okay.

All right, thank you. Okay.

This is thick.

-Just eat it. -My first bite!

This could be a lot of bites.

I'm so hot.

Okay, everybody! Joyce has got 25 minutes to go now!

Watch the clock!

Excuse me. Sorry.

-I'm sorry. -It's okay.

I've seen all sorts of people get after that steak,

but never one like that.

That's my mom.

That's your mom?

I would not lie about that, no.

I'm Benjamin Graw. My friends call me Ben.

Hi, Ben Graw.

I'm Andrew Brewster. My mother calls me Andy.

What brings you to Lubbock, Andy?

I'm traveling for work.

I'm just passing through, kinda.

Yeah, me, too. I'm headed to Tulsa.

I always try and make a stop here on my way,

you know, at the Steak Ranch here,

watching people get physically ill onstage.

It just don't get much more American than that.

It doesn't, no.

No, no. She should save the shrimp for last.

I'm kind of an expert by now.

I could help your mom, give her some tips.

Yeah! Sure. Why not?

-Go for it. Yeah. -Okay.

Howdy, ma'am. Your son, Andrew,

said I should come over and give you a hand.

See, the key is the size of the pieces you cut off,

you gotta keep them small.

One other thing.

What? What is it?

It's called the cycle.

You got to learn the cycle, which is two small pieces,

potato, salad, then you have two small pieces of steak,

-potato, salad. -About that size?

Yeah. That's perfect, actually.

You'll get that down a lot faster.

-Okay. So two of those... -Two of those.

There you go.

I wish I could offer you some but I can't.

No, you got to eat this all yourself.

-And then that. -Yeah.

-That's perfect. -Is that good?

Yeah, it's good. You actually did all four at the same time.

That's pretty good. Now let's keep going.

Mom's talking to a cowboy.

Come on! It's four minutes to go for Joyce!

Give her a hand. Get up and give her some encouragement!

-Faster, Andy, cut faster! -I'm going as fast as I can, Mom.

My arm's falling off.

Is it hot in here, or...

It's actually really, really hot in here.

It's not just you this time.

You think I could ask them for a little ketchup?

I think you could ask for whatever you want, Mom.

-I'll get you some ketchup. -But I'd like a little seltzer, too.

No, no. No seltzer, you need flat water.

Seltzer will make you too full.

-Where's the ketchup? -Are you okay?

-No, I'm not okay. -Are you sure?

I'm not okay!

You know what? You know what? Look...

-I'm throwing in the towel. -I wanted to do this.

No, I'm throwing it in.

Andy, I don't want you to have to pay 100 bucks

-for a lousy piece of meat! -It's fine!

Honestly, I'd rather pay 1,000 bucks

than watch you vomit in front of these people!

Hold on. Hold on. Ride it out.

All right? I want you to take a sip of water, I want you to think happy thoughts.

What makes you happy?

Eating.

That actually helps a little bit.

But I don't know what to do now! I don't know what to do.

You're going to finish! Come on, let's go! Finish!

Finish!

-Come on! -Okay.

Yes! Steak! Come on!

Okay, everybody, come here!

I think she's going to do it! Come on! Let's go!

And over there. Come on!

Yes! The steak's gone!

You gotta shoot it! Shoot it like a shot.

Shoot it? What's a "shoot it"?

-Like a shot! -Like this, you go like...

Oh, you mean like in the movies!

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is to my son.

And don't forget the free T-shirt.

-I won't. -Shoot it!

Yes!

Yeah!

Thank you, honey.

So, you going to do any more sightseeing on the rest of your trip?

We wish we could.

We're actually on a pretty tight schedule.

We're going to Santa Fe, Las Vegas, and then San Francisco.

Well, I do hope you get to stop at the Grand Canyon.

Oh, no, we can't this time

because we're really on a very tight schedule.

-Well, maybe next trip, then. -Yeah.

Andrew. It was a pleasure.

Oh, yeah. You, too. Thank you so much.

And thank you. Thank you very, very much.

Thank you. And could I have a second with your mom?

Yeah! For sure. Yeah. Thanks.

I hope this isn't being too forward,

but when I see a woman eat like that,

well, it just makes a man want to stick his neck out.

I do business in New York.

I was hoping maybe I could take you out to dinner one night.

I do know some restaurants where you don't have to eat on a stage.

That's funny.

The thing about dating... It is a date, right?

It's just so uncomfortable,

talking and eating with someone you don't know.

Some would argue that that's actually how

you get to know someone.

Yeah, that's... You could argue that.

I don't know what to say. It's just been a long time.

Well, I tell you what.

When you're ready,

give me a call.

I will think about it, Ben.

Joyce.

-Drive carefully! -I will. You take care now.

Bye, Mr Graw! Nice to meet you.

-It's Ben. Ben. -See you, Andrew.

Bye, Ben!

-How scandalous! Mother! -Don't you say...

What a scandal!

Stop it. Come on. Don't do that.

"I'll think about it, Ben."

-That's exactly... -That's so...

You're blushing right now, you know that?

-That is so nasty! -That's exactly what you said.

You know, he's very nice. God!

I haven't had that much fun in such a long time. You know?

Maybe you're right, Andy.

Maybe I need a little more adventure in my life.

I'm really tired of going to the Gap.

-Are you actually? -No. Actually, I'm not.

It's just that I'm a grown woman

and the most exciting place I've ever been is Florida.

"Well, I happen to know a few places"

"you don't have to eat on a stage."

I'm gonna take this dessert...

I'm not gonna share it with you now...

-"I'm Ben Graw." -You're being obnoxious!

-"My name's Ben Graw." -Come on. Drive.

"This here's... Your train's getting robbed! I'm Ben Graw."

Did you notice how handsome he was?

"I'm very handsome. I'm Ben Graw."

-Did you notice his teeth? -"My teeth are perfect."

-Stop it! -"I have a very close shave."

I am going to kill you.

What? That's exactly what he was like!

Stop it! Stop it! Are you hungry yet?

Am I hungry yet? Are you kidding me?

Well, you just had a little hamburger.

Oh, wait! Look, look, look! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Number 10. -I know. It's very exciting.

Cool!

-Number 10 already! -Isn't that going to be great?

Yeah.

How many more CDs do we have?

I think 12.

Twelve? We're not even halfway through?

These are good. They don't have too many chemicals.

What is that? Why do you want to feed me all the time?

You know what it is, honey? Food is love.

Come on, get in there. That's it.

-I got us some treats. -Ma, you're in the wrong car!

Who are you?

You're in the... I'm over here!

Oh, my God! What happened?

Yeah!

I got goodies!

What a nice chapter.

He's a beautiful writer.

It's okay, honey. I picked up a hitchhiker!

-How you doing? -Good.

-Isn't that great? -Yeah.

So, explain to me how a hot flash works.

It just feels like you're on fire all of a sudden!

You just want to dunk into a shower.

All over the city, they should have, like, big dunk tanks

so menopausal women can just hop in them any time.

It's a pretty good idea.

I like your thinking, honey.

Look at this!

Oh, honey, thank you! I can't believe you did this.

I always wanted to see the Grand Canyon.

I know. Really spectacular.

Really beautiful.

Yeah.

So, how long are we supposed to look at it?

Ten minutes?

-Ten minutes! Okay. -Yeah. Right?

Seems disrespectful to look at it for any less than 10 minutes, I guess.

But who'll know?

That's a good point.

-You want to go? -Yeah, let's go.

Let's go to Vegas.

We should tell our friends we looked at it for longer.

All right! You show 'em!

Oh, I wouldn't have believed this!

It's crazy, Ma.

Look at all these...

I can't get over the amount of light bulbs.

Can you imagine what it costs to run this place?

No one flips them off when they leave the room.

It must drive you crazy.

I can't wait to see the slot machines.

Look, M&M's! Andy!

There you go! Imagine how loud you could chew those!

I just have a good feeling about tomorrow.

I think things are gonna go really well.

Well, it'd better.

That's our hotel right there.

-That's where we're going? -Look at the fountain!

Very elegant.

I just feel a little weird valet parking Mr Bean's car.

-Nice? -Wow!

-Exciting! -I know! Isn't it?

-Oh, my God, we're here! -We're here!

-Look how beautiful! -Thank you very much.

Appreciate that. Perfect.

Oh, my God! Look at their statues!

Is that the statue of David?

Yes, that's the actual David. They flew it here.

No, they didn't!

-Hi! I'm Andrew Brewster. -Hello.

I'm presenting to Home Shopping Network tomorrow.

Oh, great. Welcome, Mr Brewster.

I just need your credit card, please.

-Right there. -Thank you.

I see you're on their corporate rates.

Oh, great!

Here is your credit card.

-Thank you. -Perfect.

How are you doing on this thing?

Oh, Jesus! Okay. Okay.

Hey, Ma! I was gonna go take a shower, then we should eat,

then I want to go to the Bellagio.

-We can see the fountain... -No, honey, look at this.

Frogs. It has frogs!

-Great. -And it's on the aisle.

They put it in front. You know why?

Because this is a winner.

Ma, there's lots of machines on the aisles.

Oh, look at this, I got a seat! The guy left.

-That's great. -I'm so excited!

Ma, come on, let's just go, okay?

No. No, no, honey. You go up, drop the bags, shower,

do whatever you want.

I'm going to play here, okay?

Are the drinks free here?

Yeah, the drinks are free.

-They're free? -Yeah.

So, would you please flag me down a waitress if you see one?

-Okay. Yeah, okay. -Okay. Okay.

Great.

What does that mean? Do you know?

You won about 10 cents.

Ten cents? That's it?

I got three navel oranges.

It's still going up! Who do I call? Who do I tell?

Oh, I know. I got a good feeling about this.

Where are the drinks?

Good luck with that.

-Really? -Yeah.

Ma?

It's me, honey.

You're finally back?

What time is it?

-Hi, sleepyhead. -Hi.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Are you up? Are you up? Are you up?

Yeah.

So...

Do you notice anything different?

Yeah, you gamble all night and get drunk at 7:00 AM.

No! No, I got my ears pierced! Look.

-Isn't that great? -Oh, wow.

-Yeah, look at that! -All right.

I was up 60 dollars and I decided to call it quits.

And so then I passed a jewelry store and I got my ears pierced!

Okay!

And it didn't even hurt.

Well, if you're happy about that, then good for you.

I'm happy about that.

-I am so happy, Andy! -Good.

I could just stay here forever.

Well, eventually you might run out of things to pierce

and your frog machine might short-circuit.

I don't know what you'd do after that.

I know. I just got carried away.

Yeah.

-So, I was thinking... -Yeah.

That maybe you should go to San Francisco alone,

and then I could spend the rest of the weekend here.

I don't think that's the best idea.

Why not?

You know, we've been having fun. We should keep it going.

I've only been punched in one side of my face.

I'm letting you off the hook, you know.

You drove all the way to Las Vegas with your mother.

I have enough bragging material to last the rest of my life, honey.

Ma.

I don't actually have a meeting in San Francisco.

I tracked down Andy.

Margolis.

He's the meeting in San Francisco.

He had the same job. He works for the same company!

He got transferred to the West Coast.

And I got his information.

I got his number and his email and his address.

And he's not married.

So I figured why not?

When?

When what?

When did you track him down?

Right after you told me he existed.

I tracked him down. It was really easy.

So that's why you...

...wanted me to come with you.

So I could see Andy Margolis.

Ma, of course not!

I think that I wanted to meet him, too, you know.

Oh, God.

I was so stupid!

Why is that... Why are you stupid?

Oh, my God.

I actually thought that you wanted to spend time with me.

I do want to spend time with you, Ma.

That's why I invited you.

It's okay.

I'm not mad.

I mean, most kids wouldn't even care enough.

I just...

I thought it was something else, that's all.

Ma, let's just talk about it for one minute, okay?

You don't have to go.

No, no. It's okay.

You better get ready for your meeting, honey.

Come on, Ma! That's not what this is...

Andrew Brewster for Skyoclan?

Scieoclean.

Okay, Mr Brewster, you get five minutes

to explain the product and demonstrate.

Our hostess, Amy, will introduce you

and you can interact with her however you want.

Any questions?

Yeah, I didn't realize this was a whole thing.

I didn't realize it was on camera.

You're gonna be great. Go for it.

Hello. Hi.

-Andrew, hello! -Hi, yes, I'm Andrew.

Nice to meet you.

-I'm Amy. Nice to see you. -Hi, Amy. Hi. So...

No, thank you. I'm okay. Thank you.

So we're gonna look right out to the front here.

This is the real set.

Yes, we're on the set now.

Roll cameras!

-It's hot in here. -It is warm. It's very bright. I...

-Action! -Welcome back to HSN.

I'm here with Andrew Brewster,

creator of an exciting new organic cleaning supply.

Tell us a little bit about Scieoclean, Andrew.

It's actually Scieo-clean.

-That's exactly what I said. -It is.

Scieoclean, as I call it,

is an exciting new cleaning product

that harnesses the natural foaming and cleaning power

of three completely renewable resources.

-Interesting. -They are...

Here they come, out of your special secret box.

-...coconut oil... -A coconut!

That's a coconut. Let's see.

That's hard. That's a hard nut to crack, isn't it?

As I previously stated, a neutral pH reading

is somewhere between six and eight.

Now, if you recall, Scieoclean came in at seven,

which was perfect.

Now, my competitor's pH reading is nine point...

Can you see it?

Is it in the...

I don't know if you're zooming in on...

But it says nine point six, which is high,

and it...

I lost you guys.

I totally lost you guys.

That lady's sending an email.

I've completely lost you, and I think I know why I lost you guys.

It's 'cause this sucks! And it's boring.

And it's full of a bunch of science-y stuff

that no one really cares about.

So, why don't I try this?

Just tell me about yourself, Amy.

Do you have kids? You have any pets or anything like that?

Yes, I do. I have a dog and a little girl.

Okay. What are their names?

Mr Pickles and Gabriella.

Oh, that's funny. If I have a daughter, I'm gonna name her Mr Pickles as well.

Sorry.

So let me ask you,

you probably go through great pains

to prevent Mr Pickles and Gabriella from dying,

-if I'm not mistaken. -Well, yes, I would.

Is this what you normally clean your house with?

It's whatever's on sale. It's usually blue or yellow.

That would be correct, yes.

Well, here's the problem with that.

It's extremely poisonous.

And it's really dangerous. I can show you statistics

and experiments that prove that my product

doesn't only clean better than those, but it's safer.

But if I've shown you one thing, it's that that is really boring.

So instead, I'll just do this.

I'll step back for the experiment.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

I'm impressed.

I am.

Scieoclean is the best cleaning product that's ever been invented.

It's completely natural, it's completely safe,

and it cleans better than any product on the market.

If any of my competitors are making the same claim,

all I say is, come on TV

and drink your product. But I don't think you will

because no one wants to shit blood on TV.

That's it. That's all I got.

Scieoclean. It's safe, it's non-toxic,

and you can drink it.

And cut!

Mr Brewster?

Yeah.

Well, we are intrigued!

You're...

-You're intrigued? -Absolutely!

That presentation was wonderful. You actually drank that stuff?

I did drink it! Yeah! It's made out of food.

It was a great pitch.

Thank you so much! If you want to hear more...

I said it was boring, but the stuff about

the micro-emulsion is actually pretty amazing.

-Does it actually clean? -Yes, it cleans great.

Okay, we're gonna wanna see that at some point.

Oh, yeah, anytime. I can demonstrate that anytime.

-And it has full FDA approval? -I have full FDA...

How many units do you have ready for market?

Thousands of units. I have way more than I should, probably.

Well, we're gonna have to run it up the ladder, obviously,

but I have a really good feeling about this.

Thank you so much.

Oh, thank you! Thanks. Wow.

Great presentation.

Well, I'm glad you think so. You have my info.

Absolutely. We'll be in touch. Great job.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Just don't say anything.

Just turn around. Just keep walking.

-I'm not saying anything. -Just turn around.

-People love a performance. -Stay calm. I know, I know.

This was better than Man of La Mancha!

-So how bad did it taste? -It was horrible!

It was so gross!

-Well, you acted great. -Oh, thank you.

-It needed the mint. -It does.

What about the guy? What did he say to you?

He said it was a great pitch.

He said he's going to move it up the ladder.

-No! -Yes!

-He used the ladder word? -He used the word "ladder"!

-I know! -You're going to be famous!

I might be, I don't know!

Do you still want to go to San Francisco?

Seriously?

Yeah.

We're practically there.

You're curious, I'm curious, so, what the hell?

Yeah, if... Are you sure you want to?

Yeah.

Okay. Great.

-Okay. -Okay.

So, honey, what if you take an eye dropper

and you drop it in your eyes?

Oh, you're right! You know what?

It's actually not a bad idea. I should do it.

-You could also put it in your nose. -Right.

So what was your plan?

Well, I thought you'd call him

and you'd say, "Hey, remember me?"

And then you guys would go have some tea,

and then you would marry each other.

Well, then you don't have to pay for my old age home.

Exactly. That's the real plan.

-Very, very good thinking. -Here. Here. His number's on top there.

-What? -Call him.

Put it on speakerphone. Put it on speakerphone.

-Oh, no, honey... -I want to hear. Yeah.

Okay. This is the moment of truth. Okay.

I hope he's home. I hope he's not home.

I hope he's home.

This is very tense for me.

How'd you get this number?

Well, there's this Internet now.

-Right. -It has tons of information.

Okay, I'm going to press...

"Call." Just hit "call."

You sure that this is his number?

That is the number.

I can't take the pressure.

Hello?

This is it.

Talk.

Hello?

-Andy? -Speaking.

-Hello? -Keep talking.

-I can't. -What was that?

-I can't! It was him! -I know! I heard!

-It was him, Andy! -Why did you do that?

-I got scared! -Ma, you gotta call him back!

-Come on! -I couldn't talk.

Don't wimp out like that.

-This is his address, right? -Yes!

Okay, so what I think we should do,

since we're gonna do this, we should just surprise him.

-That's what I think we should do. -Okay. Fine.

-Okay? -Yeah. No, that's a good idea.

You know I have to stop and change, right?

I do. I know that, yes. You told me.

I have to... Yeah.

You are really getting dolled up over there, Ma.

Honey, the man hasn't seen me since I was 21.

I don't want to scare him.

Well, then don't do that.

I'm not going to do that in front of him.

-Nice neighborhood. -Very nice.

Oh, my God.

This is it, Ma. This is the house.

-Really? You sure? -Yeah, sure. Positive, yeah.

How do I look? Do I look okay?

You look very nice, actually.

-Really? -Yeah. You do. You look good.

Good. So I don't have to...

-...worry about that. -No, you did it.

Okay. I just hope we have the right address.

I'm positive we do. I looked it up.

I don't know. You can't trust those GPS things.

-No, I looked it up. -All right.

Okay.

-I can't! -Just do it. Come on.

Okay. Okay, I'm going to do it. Ready, set, go.

It's old-timey. I like that. That was good.

-Maybe he's not home. -Just push it again.

Come on.

Coming!

-He's home! -He's coming.

-He sounded very masculine. -Oh, my God.

Hello.

Hello. We're looking for Andrew Margolis.

Not interested. Thank you.

No, we're not selling anything.

We're just trying to find Andrew Margolis.

This is his house, right?

This is his house. I'm him.

-What can I do for you? -You're...

You're Andrew Margolis from J&R Advertising?

Yes, I am Andrew Margolis from J&R Advertising

and this is getting weird.

What is this about?

You're his son. Right?

-Your father's name is also Andrew? -Yes.

And he also works at J&R?

Well, he owned it. I'm sorry, I'm confused.

No, no, I'm sorry. It's 'cause this is confusing.

My mother's an old friend of your father's.

I thought you... It doesn't make a difference.

Could you just help us get in touch with your father please?

Well, I'm sorry. My dad died five years ago.

Yeah.

Look, would... Do you want to come in?

-Or something? -Do you want to...

-I would like to sit down. -Yeah, please, come in.

-Thank you. -Absolutely. Please.

Thank you.

You're driving to job interviews?

Pitching the product.

-All over the country. -All over, yeah.

Your father was very important to my mother.

He was a good man.

How long were your parents married?

-Twenty-six years. -Wow.

Yeah. My mom's in Florida now.

We should probably get going.

You just got back from a trip, so...

-Nice to meet you. -You, too.

I don't know if my son mentioned this,

but I dated your father for a while.

Before he met your mother.

-Really? -Yeah.

And,

I just wondered, did he ever talk about...

-...that part of his life? -Ma...

No, no, no, it's okay.

No, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

My dad never talked about anybody but my mom,

at least not to us.

Right. Of course not.

He was a very, very nice man.

Very, very nice to me.

And I'm really sorry for your loss.

-Thank you. -Hi, I'm here!

You have enough mail here to choke a horse!

Hi. Sorry. I didn't realize you had company.

No, no, that's okay. These are old friends of Dad's.

-This is my sister. -Hi. I'm Andy.

Hi. Joyce. Nice to meet you.

Yes. Hi.

-Welcome back. -Thank you.

-Do you still want to get dinner? -I do. It might be a few minutes.

Okay. I didn't mean to interrupt.

No, no, no. Not at all.

They're on a road trip.

Honey.

Just one second, okay?

Remember to drink your water.

Okay. I will.

Six bottles a day.

Because it's good for my skin and my kidneys?

-That's right! -Okay.

So, you checked the car thoroughly?

I checked the car. I checked every inch of the car.

And the front and the back?

There is no way we left anything in the car, okay?

-Yeah. -Yeah. I think...

I think I'm... Yeah, I'm that way.

And I'm this way. Right?

Okay. Well, you sure you can find the gate on your own?

Can I find the gate on my own?

Honey, I pierced my ears and ate half a cow.

-I think I can find the gate on my own. -Okay.

Yeah.

You know, this...

This week really didn't go how I planned.

Oh, sweetheart, it went better.

It went... You know, I spent almost 30 years of my life...

...thinking I didn't matter to someone who mattered a great deal to me.

I got the answer I needed. I did.

-It's like Anita always says. -Oh, God.

When it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

That's actually good advice.

I think I should give you her number.

-Okay. -The point is that,

I wasn't meant to be with Andy Margolis.

You see? I was meant to meet him,

but I was meant to marry your father.

Because if I hadn't,

I wouldn't have had you.

Don't you see, Andy?

It was always you.

You're the love of my life, baby.

It will always be you.

I got to go before I start crying.

Just remember one thing.

If all the boys in the world were lined up

and I could only pick one...

I wouldn't have let you pick anyone else, Ma.

Yeah, you would have.

You would have let Mrs Shapiro pick you.

-No, I would not. -You loved her cookies.

They were really good cookies.

I miss you already.

You know, this was the best week of my life.

I love you, Mom.

Okay. Bye.

Okay.

You've got to be kidding me. This is a new record.

Hi. Ben?

It's Joyce. Yeah, the big eater.

Okay.

-Mom, you want to try some? -Sure.

You see, Mom?

It's right over there.

Hello, Mom.

I think we should think about taking another trip,

in Europe. How about that?

-You want to go to Europe? -What do you think about that?

I don't think that's a very good idea.

I am so fascinated with the Book on Tape,

I want to finish it, I sit in the garage.

Well, I hope you turn the car off, 'cause you're gonna die if you don't.

I know. I know.

-I gotta remember that. -That would be good.

Since I was your mother and your father,

and I had to tell you about sex.

Yes.

Did that help you in your life?

Well, you can't undo the fact that you told me

about penetrative sex at a young age.

But I guess... I don't know.

Just don't do that in the future.

-Well, I'll give you my number. -Okay.

And you give us a call when you're in town.

Yeah, you guys should probably keep in touch.

All right.

Like, as a rule? They just rape all the time?

No, not all the time. Sometimes. But you never know.

They may not rape you, but...

-They'll rape someone. -They're gonna rape someone.

-They might rape both of us. -Oh, no!

I carry the Books on Tape in a Walkman.

-In a what? -A Walkman.

In a Walkman?

Do you have to get in a time machine before you use that?

You should call Cousin Lowell.

I should call Cousin Lowell?

Have I ever met Cousin Lowell?

It doesn't matter. He has T.B.

it would be very nice to hear from you.

-He has tuberculosis? -It's around now.

-Do people still get that? -Oh, yes. Absolutely.

I thought they stopped getting that, like, in cowboy times?

Didn't you hear that story... No.

Didn't you hear that story about the guy on the plane?

-He had tuberculosis? -And he infected the people.

Was Lowell on that plane?

I think so.

Exit in 1,000 feet.

Come on! Exit! A thousand feet! Just exit!

How far is 1,000 feet?

You got to merge, Ma! That way!

Into what, honey? Into what?

Into the exit!

I'm driving 65 miles an hour and she's talking in feet.

-Who the hell is that? -Holy shit, there's a woman!