Original subtitles

New message.

Are you there? Are you up?

Oh, my God! It's too early there for me to be calling.

7:52, 6:52, 5:52... I forgot. Three hours earlier.

-Forget I called! -Message deleted.

-New message. -Honey, it's Mommy.

I know I only get you for the weekend before you hit the road,

but I thought I'd pick you up a few things.

Do you like Greek yogurt? It's the rage.

Message deleted.

I'm so proud of you, honey.

I can't believe you're gonna do a tour of all these companies and your product.

I mean, I... My little Donald Trump.

-I'm so excited to see your sweet face! -Message deleted.

Hi, Andy, it's Mommy. Last call.

I just wanted you to know that I'm going to park and come inside tomorrow

because parking curbside at Newark is a zoo!

And I don't want to get a citation. That's all.

Oh, I may go to the Gap today,

so let me know if you need slacks or a scarf or anything, you know.

I got you a pass for my gym, if you want to do Pilates with me.

I have this new instructor, she's a lesbian.

Message deleted.

New message.

All these messages about tomorrow

and I forgot to wish you good luck today!

They're going to love you! I know it.

Who could say no to you?

Andrew Brewster?

We're ready for you.

Thank you.

What do you have for us, son?

What I have for you is a groundbreaking product

that Kmart has the opportunity to have on its shelves

before anyone else has it on their shelves.

First, some background information on me.

I have a Master's Degree in chemistry from UCLA.

For the last three years,

I worked at the Environmental Protection Agency.

And trust me, I didn't stay three years because of the ladies.

I stayed because I was fascinated by the work I was doing there!

Primarily that was the sustainable technology

sourced by renewable resources.

I know what you're thinking...

"Boring Chemistry Alert!" Right?

Wrong!

One day, I had a breakthrough.

I created a micro-emulsion suspension

that harnessed the natural cleaning power of...

...coconut oil,

palm kernel oil,

and...

...soy!

Not soy sauce,

but soybean oil.

And this comes together to create what I like to call...

Can you see that? I thought the table would be smaller.

Can you see it?

Scieoclean! Scieo-clean!

Science and clean in one word.

Okay. Very thorough. Thanks for coming in.

And we'll be in touch, down the road.

I have full FDA approval,

and I have enough financial backing...

Actually, we're already in talks with major companies...

Yeah. Whose products are toxic and harmful.

As well as established organic companies.

But develop some brand recognition

and maybe, in a year or two, we'll revisit.

New message.

So, how did it go? I know, I know. I'm driving you crazy,

but I'm on pins and needles here, Andy!

They loved you, I bet. Kmart!

I can't believe it! My son at Kmart!

Message deleted.

Hi, this is Joyce, leave a message, bye!

Hey, Ma, got your billion messages.

Here are some answers to your questions. Kmart went great,

do not buy me slacks, I do not want to do Pilates,

and I'm excited to see you, too.

Andy! Andy!

Andy! Andy!

Andy! I'm over here!

-Honey! -Hey, Ma.

-I'm over here! -I see you. Hey!

-All of Newark sees you. -Hi!

-Hi, there. Hey, Ma. -Oh, my baby.

Oh, my God!

-Good to see you. -Look at you! Look at you!

-Yes. Look at me. -Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Yeah. Okay. Let's get out of the way here.

Are you wearing a sports jacket?

Yeah, I am.

How did you know even to buy a sports jacket?

-I took a class in it. Yeah. -Look at this.

Oh, my God! Honey, look! You left the price tag on.

J. Crew? My fancy-schmancy son!

-Yeah, that's me. -Wow.

I'm just gonna keep it, in case it goes on sale.

Okay, great. Thanks.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

-Just you. Not hot at all. -Just me?

-You're kidding. -Nope. Yup.

I made chicken for dinner.

-Oh, awesome. -And I invited some of the girls over...

...because they really can't wait to see you.

You know, I'd kinda rather you didn't.

-I just got off a long flight. -Really?

I don't know if I want to, you know...

-You're tired and everything? -Yeah, I have jet lag a bit.

The last thing you need is to put on a show for my friends.

-Right. -Yeah. Exactly.

Thank you, Ma.

-Thank you for understanding. -Yes.

I just made so much chicken is all.

I can't believe little Andy, all grown up!

And wearing a sports jacket.

It's from J. Crew. Show them the label.

Yeah, it's pretty affordable.

Did you know that Andy is starting his own business?

Is that right?

Yeah, he invented a new product

and now he's going to go travel door-to-door selling it.

Isn't that right, Andy?

No, that's actually not even close.

You know, it's dangerous to go door-to-door.

I'm not going door-to-door.

They stopped doing that decades ago.

Did I hear wrong, honey?

It's okay. It's complicated.

-That's close enough, I guess. -What do I know?

-Andy, it's so nice to finally meet you. -You, too. Yeah.

I have heard only great things about you.

-That's nice. -Gayle is our new friend.

She's our Weight Watchers leader. Her husband's dead.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

I'm not.

He couldn't drop dead soon enough.

He was horrible!

She couldn't wait to get rid of him, honey.

Andy, you have to help me.

Please convince her to come to my singles event with me.

-One night. -Yeah!

-Come on. Don't say that. -You gotta do it!

I don't want to go there.

I am telling you, you will be the belle of the ball.

More like the belle of the "bald."

I don't need it. I'm very happy.

Got more frogs since Thanksgiving, Ma?

Yeah, you can't imagine how many places sell frogs.

I hope you're drinking water, Andy.

Good. Good boy.

Because I'm up to six bottles a day now. You know?

It's very good for your skin.

Good. That's why I'm doing it.

I'm so glad you do that, honey.

What are you doing right now?

I'm refilling my water bottle.

'Cause it's silly to pay big prices for a case of bottles, basically, you know,

when you can use this over and over again.

So you're really gonna drive cross-country for these meetings?

Yeah. All the way to Vegas, yeah.

You seeing anyone?

No. Not at the moment.

No? I thought you were seeing that girl with the exotic name.

-Bethany? -Yes!

Bethany. What happened to her?

Yeah, that just didn't really work out. You know...

So what about the one before her? The Oriental.

That is not remotely an acceptable term anymore, and...

I don't know, it just didn't work out.

You'd think one of them would have worked out by now?

What about you? Are you seeing anyone at the moment?

Andy, please don't be disgusting.

You want me to go to one of Gayle's miserable singles events?

That's what you want? You want me whoring myself out?

Put on a thong?

I'm going to sleep now, Ma.

Yeah.

I took out the old home movies and I thought we would watch it together.

You know, I just... I'm not adjusted yet.

I'm still jet lagged. I just...

-I understand. Yeah. -Good night.

Good night, honey!

I bought some underwear for you at the Gap.

Okay.

We can return it tomorrow if it doesn't fit!

That's pretty gross.

-They know me there! -Okay.

Can I turn this thing off?

We've been doing this for two hours.

Just a few more minutes, okay?

Look how cute he is.

Look, Ma, I'm sorry...

How long do you want me to film this?

You are the best boy.

The most perfect boy in the world. Do you know that?

Like Mommy tells you every night,

if all the little boys in the world were lined up

and I could only pick one,

I'd pick you every time.

I love you, Andy. You're my perfect boy.

All right. This will be good for you. A little adventure.

All right. This is ridiculous.

Come on, Mom. Just give it a shot. It could be fun.

Did you just ask if I hiked?

No! I don't hike. Sorry.

Try the skinny one in the corner. She looks sporty.

Don't talk to me though, because I'm thinking.

You couldn't even try, Ma?

I mean, you're never going to meet a man like that.

Dad died when I was eight years old.

You haven't been on one date since then. Right?

You know what it comes down to?

It comes down to M&M's in bed.

Yeah, because when those years I was with your father, you know?

I would hide them under my pillow until he fell asleep...

...so I could eat them without being criticized.

And I will never hide my M&M's again.

It really makes a lot of sense,

-when you put it like that. -It does.

That's a good reason to give up on men altogether.

-Listen... You know what? -Because of candy.

You're one to give advice, honey?

I mean, why aren't you with someone?

-You know what it is, Ma? -What?

I just haven't found a girl...

...who'll let me eat M&M's in bed at night.

Stop it!

I mean, seriously, why is that a legitimate excuse for you

and not for me? You say the same thing.

Because I've had my marriage. I've had my family.

I've been to the dance and now I am tired.

You are skipping the dance altogether!

Maybe you need therapy.

Yeah. It helps me.

I don't need therapy.

And since when do you go to therapy?

Anita and I meet once a week for coffee.

Well, unless you two are meeting a therapist for coffee,

then you're not going to therapy, 'cause Anita's a librarian.

I'll tell you what we mostly talk about...

-Yeah? -Is why I blame myself...

...for your deep-seated problems with women.

Good. You talk to Anita about my deep-seated

-problems with women that you've imagined. -I do.

Yeah.

Sometimes I feel like I ruined it for you.

You know what? I know. I know you do.

You know why? Because you set the bar so high

for all other women, that no one lives up to my mom.

No, it's not that.

It is. I'm going to sleep, Ma. Okay?

No, I... Anita says I should tell you about

the boy I fell in love with in Florida.

The what?

It's time you know this about me, Andy.

Know what?

Well, there was this incident in my life that I really never told you about.

I went to Florida on vacation.

I was very young, 19, 20, something like that.

Okay. Good.

And I met a boy, and I fell in love with him.

Yeah.

Honestly, Andy, I fell in love with him kind of instantly.

Okay.

He lived in Manhattan, too.

And so we came back and we started seeing each other.

He didn't want anything serious, but I was just caught up with this...

Oh, the passion of it all!

Andy, we were so passionate.

Feel free to skim over those details as much as you want.

-I won't gross you out. -Yeah. That's cool.

I mean, he didn't want to be serious, really, at the time.

But I wanted a family, I wanted a baby.

That's all I ever really wanted.

And so, eventually, your father came along.

What about the guy from you met in Florida?

Well, he became boyfriend number one

and your dad became boyfriend number two.

-No, honey... -That's nasty!

It was a trampy year for Mommy.

-Please. Anyway... -Why are you telling me this?

Your father proposed within, like, a month, I think.

So I went to the boy and I said,

you know, "I met somebody and he wants to marry me,"

hoping that he would say, "Joyce, you cannot do that."

"You cannot marry this guy!"

But he didn't say that.

You know what he actually said?

He said, "You're great."

But he told me to marry your father.

Oh, God.

I was so devastated.

I was so devastated that I couldn't even see him again.

Well, what happened?

Well...

What happened? I married your father, we moved,

I got pregnant, and...

When we found out it was a boy, you know,

I started going through names, as people do, and...

You want your child to remind you of someone you love... Loved!

And so...

I named you Andy.

After the boy from Florida.

You want more ice cream?

Holy shit.

Andy! Please. Enough with the language, okay?

Did... Did Dad know about this?

Now, that is not something that you share

with your husband. You know?

Holy shit!

What is wrong with you?

That is enough with the street talk, okay?

Ma, I...

I need you to be honest with me, okay?

Yes, I will.

Is he my father?

No, honey. No, he's not your father.

No, no.

It was two years later when I had you.

His last name is Margolis.

Andy Margolis.

From J&R Advertising.

Isn't it funny how I remember that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

J &R.

Hi. I'm trying to track down someone

who used to work in your New York office.

Probably many years ago. The name is Andy, or...

Andrew Margolis?

Hold on, please.

Okay, I see that Andrew Margolis is in our San Francisco offices.

Okay. Great! How long ago did he work there?

No, sir. Mr Margolis is an Executive V.P.

in our San Francisco office currently.

Really?

Would you like to be connected?

Okay!

Andrew Margolis's office.

Seriously? No shit.

Is...

Is Andrew in, please?

Mr Margolis is in Europe until next Monday.

This is Becky.

Hi, Becky. I'm a very old friend of Andrew's.

We were in Nam together?

Just backpacking though.

And I thought it would be great to see him again.

So I guess he finally took the wife

on that trip to Europe she's always wanted?

Mr Margolis isn't married, sir.

Is there a specific message you'd like to leave?

No! No. So he gets back next Monday.

Yes, he does.

-Okay. Thank you. -You're welcome.

Holy shit.

I made eggs just the way you like them,

and I used turkey bacon,

which was on sale, but I know it's still good.

I'm always concerned for your health, right?

You know,

I was up all night last night,

because I was thinking about your problems, Andy.

Jessica was your first serious relationship.

So let's start with her.

I remember when you broke up, but I can't remember why.

Do you remember?

Okay! We'll skip Jessica for now.

What do you think we should do today, honey?

You know what? You have to remind me to get Tylenol later,

'cause I'm running low.

And I also told Gayle that I would pick some up for her.

Did I remember to call Gayle back?

I don't know what's happening to me. I'm getting forgetful.

You want to come on the trip with me, Mom?

My road trip, that I'm going on. I...

It's long,

and I thought maybe I could use some company

in the form of you.

You want to drive cross-country in a car with me?

Yeah!

No, it's... You know, we won't be gone long.

It's only eight days in a car together,

and then I got to be in San Francisco.

My last meeting's in San Francisco now.

What happened to Vegas?

I got a new meeting last night in San Francisco, so...

Yeah! What do you say?

If this is you worrying about me, Andy,

you don't have to because Mommy's fine.

That's not at all what it is, Ma.

What?

I've had such a good time...

...hanging out with you these last few days,

I thought it would be fun to...

...to hang out even more and spend time with you.

Wait a minute.

I want to make sure that I'm hearing this correctly.

You want to spend a week in a car with your mother.

Is that what I heard?

More than anything in the world.

Don't you think I would drive you crazy?

Don't you think I might get on your nerves a little bit?

No, you know what?

It was just a thought and if you don't want to do it, then fine.

I don't want to push you...

What? What? Am I so awful that you can't spend

a little time in a car with me?

Jesus Christ, Ma, how did you turn this around?

I just invited you to... I'm inviting you!

Do you want to drive across the country with me?

Well, I might have to reroute my mail.

-Okay! -I'd have to miss my book club.

Ma, you have five seconds to tell me whether you want to go or not.

And then I'm revoking my offer, okay?

-Are you coming? -Okay. One, two...

I can't wait! What, are you kidding me?

-Honey! That is so exciting! -Okay, great! Good! I am!

-Tateleh! My boy, my boy! -Okay... You really are.

The sweetest...

-Look at this! I love you! -Okay, okay, easy.

Oh, my God! I can't believe... I have to call Gayle!

Oh, my God!

I'll have to retouch my roots though before I go.

What am I gonna pack?

You've got to fill me in on all the weather conditions

in all the states that we're gonna go through.

Okay, it's fine. I got it. It's fine. I got it.

Are you sure you didn't forget anything?

God, I don't know if I forgot something.

I don't think that's possible. I may be getting a hernia.

-Are you okay? -Yeah. I'll put that here.

Good, there's not too many people here.

Honey, make sure to ask if they have any kind of deal.

-Okay. I Will do that. -Thank you.

Hi, I'm Mark. I'll be assisting you.

-Do you have a reservation? -I do. Last name is Brewster.

Brewster. Okay.

There it is. I just need a valid license and credit card.

-Ask him. -Okay, I will. Please relax.

Please calm down, Mom!

Sorry, but I just want to confirm I got an SUV

with a GPS system in it?

I have you in a Dodge Durango, GPS included,

returning in San Francisco.

-Great. -Do you really need an SUV?

The gas'll cost more than the car.

So that comes out to 112 dollars a day.

Wait, wait, wait! I got a coupon.

Good. Yeah. That works. It takes 15 percent off, so...

...it brings your new total to 940 dollars.

Excuse me one second.

-Way to go! Yeah. -That was very exciting.

-I was going to ask. -Yeah. Really.

-Yes! -I thought you forgot.

You thought in the two seconds since you reminded me...

Anyway! Anyway, nowadays small cars are fine in the snow.

They probably have that GPS thing.

They don't. Okay? Only big cars have GPS.

Actually, our GPS systems are separate.

You can rent them with any car.

And our economy cars handle quite well in the snow.

-Thank you, Mark. -You're welcome.

So we'll just go by the circus, drop off our clowns...

Andy, stop it! It's adorable.

You sure you don't mind driving, Ma?

No, honey. You work on your presentation.

I got my Book on Tape.

What are you doing, Ma?

Trying to find my Book on Tape.

Okay. Just keep your eyes on the road, for God sakes!

-Here it is. -Okay, okay! Okay.

It's called Middlesex. This tape is excellent.

It's about a hermaphrodite. You know, a boy and a girl?

Two different parts in one person?

I... Yes, I know that.

It was in Oprah's Book Club once.

Say no more!

You'll like this.

I love spoons.

You know what? That's enough Middlesex for now, I think.

That's good. Yeah, we're...

So, what's the plan, my little co-captain?

Well, I got three meetings today,

and then I got a few in Virginia,

and the last one is in Roanoke.

Roanoke!

Then Texas is next. Costco. That's...

That's a big one, so if we want to get there in time,

we gotta be in Tennessee by Tuesday.

You know who lives in Tennessee, right?

Yes, I do. So after that...

Jessica in Nashville.

-I know. -You know, I ran into her mother recently.

She says it's lovely there!

I'm sure it is. So...

You know, I spoke to Anita this morning.

Anita says that it would be good for you

to get some closure with that relationship.

So if we have time, we should meet up with her.

From Texas, we head to Santa Fe,

where I have one more pitch, then Vegas.

A mom and her baby boy in Vegas. Sounds like fun!

That's their new slogan, I think, for tourism.

"A mom and her baby boy in Vegas." Yeah.

You know, I can't stop thinking about...

What, honey?

About that story you told me the other night, honestly.

About Andy Margolis.

I mean, tell me more about him. What was it...

What was it about him that you liked so much?

I don't know.

Broad shoulders, you know. Oops! Sorry.

Okay, what else? Anything less physically based?

I was cross-eyed when I was a little girl. I told you that, right?

What does this have to do with what I asked you?

Well, one day I meet this boy, out of nowhere.

Andy Margolis. We went out on this first date.

We were dancing, and he told me that I was beautiful.

He was the first person to ever tell me that.

Don't you ever wonder, like, where he is, what happened to him?

A little bit?

It's in the past, Andy. It's in the past.

I could probably find him if you really wanted.

Don't you dare!

He's probably fat and obnoxious by now.

Maybe he's just fat.

What are you doing? No, no! Don't move their stuff around!

What are you doing? Just put it on the floor.

No, I don't put things on the floor. The floor is dirty.

The floor is too dirty for your purse?

You've been using that tissue in there for the last three days.

Well, there's always a clean side.

But it's true. You keep shoving it back in there.

I know, but I don't do things like that.

And anyway I forgot, I got my gizmo.

Purse hook.

Of course.

What are you...

-What? -You did something to me. What is that?

-Just pick it up. -No. It's fine.

Push it back. Show your face.

-Okay, my hair looks fine. -Okay, okay.

Is it weird?

-No, it's nice now. -Did you make it look weirder?

Thank you.

Honey, I know you're nervous, but your show is gonna be great.

It's a pitch. It's a...

It's called a pitch, Mom.

Whatever it's called.

It's going to be great, I can feel it.

I'm glad.

Okay.

-You focus. -I'm trying.

-And while you're focusing... -Yes.

...I'm going to play my game.

-Till they call you. -Yup.

All right!

What? I'm playing slots, what?

Yeah, it's incredibly loud!

-Mr Brewster? -Yes, hi there!

Hi there! They're ready for you.

Oh, fantastic! Great, good.

No. What are you doing?

-Going with you? -No.

-You can't come. -Why not?

I can't bring my mother in! It'll look crazy.

They don't know I'm your mother.

That's even weirder. Then who are you?

-Do you need a minute? -No, I'm good!

Thank you. I'm okay. Great. What are you...

-He's ready. -Please...

Thank you! Hi! Thank you very much!

-Thank you. -Great!

Good luck, sweetheart!

Thank you, ma'am! Nice to meet you!

Scieoclean is the only product that harnesses

the sustainable, renewable cleaning power

of these three products.

Now, this is a top-of-the-line digital pH meter.

This is our competitor's product.

Okay. Well, thank you for your time, Andrew.

That's it? I have FDA approval, and...

I just don't think it's for us.

But I want you to leave a card. We'll be in touch.

Honey!

-How did it go? -I don't want to jinx it,

but I think it went pretty good, actually.

-Really? Good job, sweetheart. -Yeah.

This is gonna be good. This is gonna be really good.

I can't wait to see what happens, right?

Look! The World's Largest Praying Hands are in Tulsa!

The World's Largest Rubik's Cube is in Tennessee!

The Grand Canyon!

I've always wanted to see the Grand Canyon!

No time, Ma. Tight schedule.

Thank you.

Hey.

-Good? Did it go good? -Yeah, it seemed to go really good.

You have a nice smile on your face.

Here, take a little water.

Andy, I think you're going the wrong way.

We are not going the wrong way!

Well, that must feel good.

Why are you calling me, Ma?

Just go to the bathroom and come back!

What are you doing in there?

No, I don't want French fries! Just come back!

-Andy. -Yeah.

Promise me you'll never pick up a hitchhiker, okay?

I promise I will never pick up a hitchhiker.

Good. They rape.

You think they have a Gap Outlet here?

-A Gap Outlet? -I'm having Gap withdrawal!

-Oh, good. Thank you. -Sure thing.

Look at this.

-Wow. -Evening.

Thank you.

Andy, look, they have a gift shop!

Great. You go over there.

Hi. Do you have any rooms available for the night?

Well, of course! A room for you and your lady?

My "lady"?

Andy, look, look! They have clip-on frog earrings!

No! Dude, that's... Don't wink at me!

That's horrible! That's my mother!

Are you insane? I need two rooms, okay?

Andy, don't be ridiculous.

Is that what you said? Two rooms?

It's not ridiculous. It's very necessary.

-It's a waste of money! -Not wasting money.

-Two separate rooms. -Sorry.

Don't be sorry!

Just don't imply that I am sleeping with my mother.

I am ready to go to market and I have full FDA approval!

That sounds very impressive, Andy!

-FDA approval! -Yeah.

That is fancy.

-Very fancy. -Thank you, Ma. Good.

-I do have a few thoughts. -Great.

It's just a little hard to follow, you know.

I'm still a little unclear, with all the coconuts...

What was that thing? "Dermal"? For the skin?

Yeah. Dermal. Skin. Yeah, I'm saying like...

I'm saying it's safe if you get it on your skin or in your eyes

or if you ingest it by accident, you know?

Well, why don't you just say that?

I mean, keep it simple. Make it clear.

I would get personal with them, too.

Like, you talk about their kids, talk about their pets.

Possibly seeing one of their loved ones

writhing in agony on the floor because they just

accidentally swallowed some of these other brands, you know?

That's good. You know what I should do is actually

bring in a kid and poison it in front of them.

And then they could actually just see

-what that would be like. -Now you're being silly, Andy.

I'm just saying, if it's safe to put on your skin,

then put it on your skin.

If it's safe to drink it...

-Yeah. -...drink it.

Real good thinking, yeah.

You probably need to flavor it.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Cherry flavor, maybe, or root beer.

It's a cleaning product, Ma,

so root beer might be kind of a weird...

No, no! Oh, mint! Mint.

I'm just saying, if you drank it,

it would make it certainly more entertaining.

You know? Make it more of a show.

Well, I'm a scientist, Ma, I'm not a performer.

So, it's not really my priority to make it a show.

I'm not a showman, Ma.

-That is nonsense, honey. -Yeah.

Remember how good you were in Man of La Mancha?

People like a performance.

You're right. No, you're right. That's a great idea.

I should just do Man of La Mancha maybe.

I... You know what? I'll tell you what I would do.

-What would you do? -I would change the name, too.

Because, look at this, this is very confusing.

-What is it? Psychoclean? -No.

-Skyoclean? Science Clean. -No.

It's Scieoclean, and it's kind of hard to change the name

because it's written on 10,000 bottles that I've already paid for. So...

Well, it's just peculiar, is all.

Okay, I'll change the name. Okay? Great. Okay. Good.

Andy, I'm having such a great time!

That's good, Ma.

You know, because I never get to go to nice places like this.

It's true.

This place has a quarter of a star, so that's pretty good.

Do you know that they have a free continental breakfast here?

I'm glad you're having such a cultured trip with me, Ma.

-I'm in absolute heaven. -Good. Well, you know what?

I'm pretty tired. Maybe it's time we go to sleep.

-I should let you sleep. -Thank you.

-I am so sorry. -No problem. Thank you.

And we don't want to miss that breakfast, do we?

-No. Of course. Good night. -Okay, okay.

Are you chewing on marbles over there?

What is that sound, Ma? What are you doing?

What am I doing?

I don't know what... It's really loud!

I'm sorry.

-Is that tin foil you're playing with? -No, no, no.

You're playing with tin foil?

Just my M&M's.

Okay, okay. You go to sleep.

See you in the morning.

You can take one of my books into the bathroom

if you have to make.

Okay.

It's getting really dark, isn't it?

God, I hope it doesn't snow.

Honey, we're in Tennessee. It doesn't snow in Tennessee.

You see? This is this climate change thing!

It's good I brought clothes for all kinds of weather.

-What are you doing? -I'm getting my coat out!

You're not being helpful! You're distracting me! Just sit down!

-Where's your coat? -This is not very helpful right now.

I can't believe I let you talk me out of getting an SUV.

I can't believe this.

Andy, just drive slow, okay?

Don't worry about what the truckers think.

I'm not worried about what the truckers think!

Why would I be worried about...

-Don't scream! -Let's just get off this road!

Maybe we should call Jessica!

-You've got to be kidding me! -Okay, we won't call her!

No, we got a flat tire!

Oh, this is a nightmare! I'm pulling over.

Good. Pull over!

-Oh, we're going to die, Ma! -No, we're not.

-Where's your coat? -Please stop talking.

You know what? I deserve this.

This is what you get for driving cross-country

in a skateboard.

-Don't dwell on the past. -It's just crazy. It's totally crazy.

-It could be worse. -Are you kidding me?

Look, we're seeing! We're alive!

-Okay, yeah, we're alive. -Just thank God for that.

-Okay? -Okay. I'm gonna get out...

-Where's your coat? -I don't need a coat!

I'll be back in two seconds, okay?

-You want to take my scarf? -No. I'm fine!

You're so macho! What are you proving here?

Be careful you don't slip!

Andy, your feet are going to get soaked!

Where are your galoshes?

Oh, come on.

You're used to California, that's what it is.

You don't know from galoshes.

I don't know.

-I don't know. It... -What?

They don't look... They don't look flat.

Well, something must be wrong with it, you know?

-I don't know what's wrong. -Why don't we call Triple A?

Look, there's a restaurant there.

Let's go and wait inside. Does that say "tapas"?

I love tapas!

That's not what it says, Ma!

This place smells like strawberry gum.

Please don't sit near me.

When I was younger,

your father tried to make me go to one of these places with him.

He thought it would be "sexy."

Yeah. What can I say?

It's not that, is it?

-What? Excuse me? What? -Your problems with women.

Do you think any of it is sexual?

I actually almost threw up all over the table

-when you asked me that. -Stop saying that.

I almost projectile vomited

-all over the bar. -Oh, please.

You know, come to think of it, when you were a baby,

about two months old,

your penis started turning purple. I swear.

-Please stop. -If I didn't inspect that...

...penis carefully every day, till you were five.

I'm begging you to stop talking right now.

You'd tell me if your penis started turning purple again, right?

My penis could literally grow an eyeball and I wouldn't tell you about it.

I just worry about you.

-The color of my penis... -It's not purple.

It's pink. Hi!

-Thank you. -Thank you, sweetheart.

The roads are pretty awful.

Could take the tow truck quite a while.

Our girl Moonlight's pretty good with cars.

You want me to ask her to take a look?

Who's Moonlight?

Oh, my gosh, this is the cutest little thing.

That's very nice of you, Moonlight.

I just wish you were wearing something warmer.

Oh, that's sweet of you, but I'm fine.

-Put your hood up, honey. -No. I don't want to.

Here it is.

You got ice frozen up around the tire.

It's blocking the wheel and making it feel like you got a flat.

-My God! -You sure about that?

You sure it's not flat?

I'm positive.

Wow! She really is a mechanic!

She really knows what she's doing.

My God, you weren't kidding.

Thank you very much.

Those heels come in handy. I'm very impressed.

May I interest you in a private dance?

I'd love... Thank you,

but maybe another time when my mom's not here.

-Great. Thank you. -Okay.

-Bye! -God bless, y'all!

-Bye bye! Cover up! -Oh, thank you, Miss Joyce.

They're saying you shouldn't get on the highway right now.

Are you staying local?

Yeah, we'll just get a hotel or something, I guess.

Well, actually, we don't have to because...

It's gonna be tough finding a room anywhere in this.

-I bet. -You got anywhere you can crash?

-Yeah! -No. We do not.

-We do know somebody. -We don't.

-Don't you think we... -No, we don't.

We could call... You know.

Jessica, thanks for picking us up, honey.

Your mother fills me in occasionally.

How have you been, honey?

Well, pregnant, Mrs B.

Yeah, I'm due again in April. I feel like a house.

Oh, no. Well, you look fantastic!

Yeah. You look very pretty, still.

Oh, well, thank you. I...

I appreciate the lie.

No, not a lie at all.

Honestly, I don't know how I keep getting pregnant.

I got a theory.

It's called two margaritas and Love Actually.

Every time, right?

Very nice house!

Yeah. Very lovely color. Good paint job.

-New paint job, new fixtures. -It's very beautifully done.

It's quite a setup you have here.

Well, thanks.

Yeah, we like it.

I think it took a while for my Jersey girl here

to get adjusted, but I think she digs it.

Yeah, I do.

So, wait. So, Andy, you and Jessica were high school sweethearts?

Yeah, we dated for a while in high school. Yeah.

It was great. It was a really fun time.

Oh, wow. Hey, you know, she talks about you all the time.

Really? That's funny,

because we've been talking about Jessica a lot.

I don't know if we talk about her a lot. Have we?

I mean, a normal amount.

She came up several times in conversation.

-Very casually. -You see, Jessica,

Andy is still single, and we were wondering whether...

...your break-up had anything to do with it. What do you think?

No, yeah, don't be ridiculous. I mean, we were just kids.

You broke up with me when we were, what, like, 17?

-Eighteen. -Eighteen.

Wait a minute.

You broke up with her?

Well, technically, I guess.

God! Remember how crazy you were?

I was young and kind of...

You know, I felt a lot. Big feelings.

Mrs B, did you know that Andy proposed to me

right before we went to college?

It was like a serious get-on-your-knee kind of proposal

right in the middle of the football field.

It was silly. It was a silly thing to do.

I said we were too young, obviously, and he ended it,

just like that!

Yeah!

Andy, can you imagine if I'd said yes?

No.

You proposed to her. Andy, that's so...

I wish I knew that.

Well, you do now.

I was just trying to help.

You always are.

Maybe it was healthy to see her. Maybe...

...it'll help you get on with your life.

Or maybe, just once, you could have,

one time, just minded your own business, Ma.

Maybe that could have happened.

Look, I have Costco today, okay?

I would appreciate it very much

if we could just drive in silence until we get to Texas.

I would...

I would appreciate that very much.

They're gonna come get me in a second,

so just wait here until I'm back and don't talk to anyone.

-Can I just say one thing? -No. You can't.

Andy, I don't think they're coming to get you.

Why would they not be coming down to get me?

Because I'm noticing how it's done here.

It's like a different thing. You know?

They come to your table or something.

The people with the red, they see things on the table.

-You bring your product or something. I... -Shit!

-Go away. Just leave. -Where am I gonna meet you?

-Andrew? -Hi! Hi there!

A pleasure to finally meet you, Andrew. Ryan McFee.

-Yeah. Great. -Costco.

This is Joyce. Joyce...

...ton, my... Joyce Joyston.

My business partner.

-Yes! -I'm his business partner.

-Then you should have a seat. -Fantastic! Yeah!

-Of course. Have a seat. -Business partner, sit!

Yes. Why wouldn't you?

So, I would just like to start by saying how

honored I am that Costco Wholesale would meet with me.

I know the backing of Costco

could really make a product into something big.

Well, I'm looking forward to hearing your pitch.

Thank you.

Now, some history on my product.

-I'm sorry. -No problem!

-What is that? -My purse hook.

What does it do?

It just keeps the pocketbook from touching the dirty floor.

-That is great! -Yeah, it's really neat.

Where'd you get that, the purse hook?

Amazon, I think.

Go.

No, I am not going. It's rude.

-Go. -No, it would look bad.

Get out of here!

It's very rude. Extremely rude.

Will you just 90?

Stop that.

Sorry. Please, continue.

I created a micro-emulsion suspension, Ryan,

that harnesses the natural cleaning and foaming power of...

...coconut oil,

palm kernel oil...

Oxygen.

And...

...soy!

Or as I like to call it,

-Scieoclean! -Scieoclean!

Sounds good.

-Scieoclean. Yes. -Yes.

It took me a second. Sorry.

It read at first like Skyoclean. Or Psychoclean.

-That's an unusual response. -Yeah.

Don't get hung up on the name, Ryan.

I mean, because Andrew was thinking of changing it.

-Oh, that's a good idea. -Is he?

-It's a good idea. -Yeah.

-Joyce is right. It's unclear. -I agree.

Yeah. I wasn't really considering it. I don't know what...

-We talked about changing it. -No, we didn't.

-In the hotel. -I don't remember that.

You said that the other night at the hotel.

-I did? -Don't you remember, honey?

-Don't call me "honey." -Mr Brewster.

Maybe if you simply relabeled the bottle "Science Clean."

That's a good idea.

I don't actually have any money to relabel any bottles.

Wait a minute. How much would it cost to relabel the bottles?

Bulk? A fraction of a cent.

Half a cent! And you're going to sell bulk.

What's the big deal?

Well, the aggregate amount...

So, listen, Andrew, when you relabel the bottle...

"When" is a little preemptive.

I don't know if I would jump to the "when" conclusion.

-Listen to what he's saying. -When you do, I would change...

-...the whole color scheme. -I agree.

It should be more, like, magenta.

What's gonna pop? You know?

I would strongly consider relabeling that bottle.

I know, but I put a lot of thought into this...

Listen to what the man is saying.

You're going to have to relabel the bottle.

I'm not changing the goddamn label, Ryan!

Okay.

I know. I shouldn't have said anything.

Yep.

There are many other stores besides Costco.

Yep.

Think of all the other sales you already made.

Well, the good news is,

I have got enough hair product to last me for years.

If you're going to drink all that alcohol,

you should really hydrate.

I don't want to say it again, so...

So, I'll just leave the water bottle here.

I only say that because...

...I read that for every glass of alcohol that you drink,

you need an extra glass of water...

Ma. Ma!