Original subtitles

Is it karaoke contest time?

That's right.

And we've got a brand-new machine.

What's the point? Every contest we enter, we lose.

Okay, we lost the darts contest

to the yuppies from Shadyside.

How they threw so well

with sweaters tied around their necks,

I'll never know.

We also lost the 8-ball contest.

That one hurt.

That was to the hipsters in Lawrenceville,

and I hate hipsters.

And I don't appreciate #weownthenight.

Sullivan & Son is not gonna lose

every bar contest in Pittsburgh...

Not on my watch.

Actually, dad, it's watch.

Then why aren't you as pissed as I am?

The other bars are kicking our ass!

I'd like to win one of these contests.

For once, for us...

For Sullivan & Son to take home a trophy.

Steve?

Owen and I are ready.

We're gonna win this contest.

We've been rehearsing for months.

We just can't decide which number to do together.

Right. Mom wants to do "I touch myself."

I think we should do "I want your sex."

Okay, we all agree you two

are the best singers we've got.

I sense a "but" coming.

But when you sing dirty songs to each other

and people find out you're mother and son,

they throw up, and then we lose.

Excuse me?

Look, the songs you sing are inappropriate

for a mother and son to sing together.

Th-they're just too graphic and sexual.

Oh, that again?

Relax, Steve.

We have a backup song that's really tame.

♪ When I came home last night ♪

♪ you wouldn't make love to me ♪

♪ you went fast asleep ♪

♪ you wouldn't even talk to me ♪

♪ give it to me, baby ♪ ♪ give it to me, baby ♪

♪ make it hot like you've had enough♪

♪ give it to me, give it to me ♪

♪ give it to me, give it to me, give it to me♪

Whoa! Stop! Stop!

Did anybody else's boys just retract?

Sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

♪ da da da da, da da da, da, da da ♪

♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪

♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da ♪

♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! ♪

Hey! Not so fast!

Time to pay your bar tab, ladies.

Come on.

For as much money as we spend here,

maybe once in a while we could get something for free.

Hey! Don't you use the f-word in here.

Steve, doesn't your mom ever loosen up?

Well, legend has it, there was one time.

It was the bar's 20th anniversary.

My mom had two sips of champagne,

got all giddy, ripped up everybody's bar tabs.

So, that's all we have to do?

Get her drunk, and it's bye-bye, bar tab.

So the legend goes.

Of course, all the witnesses

have since mysteriously disappeared.

I'm kidding.

I'm not kidding.

Check one, check one.

Dad, what are you doing?

You know and I know

that Owen and Carol are gonna sing some song

that's wildly inappropriate for a mother and son.

Now, someone else in this bar has got to have a good voice.

I'm holding auditions.

Who's next?

I am!

♪ Here in my car, I feel safest of all ♪

♪ I can lock all my doors ♪

♪ it's the only way to live ♪

♪ in cars ♪

♪ ba-dum, ba-dum ♪

♪ here in my car, I can only receive ♪

♪ I can listen to you ♪

♪ it keeps me stable for days ♪

♪ in cars ♪

♪ ba-dum, ba-dum ♪

Thank you, Hank!

We'll let you know!

Nailed it!

Uh, I'd like to mention that if I'm chosen,

during the performance,

I will do a robot dance for added pizzazz.

Next.

♪Are you going ♪

♪ to Scar... Scarborough fair? ♪

♪ parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme ♪

I remember the fair.

Daddy would take me there.

We would get lost in a corn maze.

Boring!

Thank you, dear.

I-I'm actually really good.

I-I trained in opera.

I'm just not good at singing in front of people.

Then why don't you go home and practice

in front of your stuffed animals and come back?

Jack, we've come up with a number

that's gonna make everybody happy.

It's totally G-rated.

♪ Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream ♪

♪ merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, ♪

♪ life is but a dream ♪

Row that boat!

Oh, yeah!

Unh! Yeah!

Guys! Guys!

What? What? What?

What is that?

It's called the tush push.

- Let's show them the "groin join". - Oh, that's a good one.

Okay, stop it!

- So, dad, how'd the rest of the auditions turned out? - Terrible

A dozen auditions, Melanie was the best.

What does that tell you?

It tells me that my feelings don't count!

I'm sorry, Hank.

It just wasn't your year.

Bullshit! It is my year!

I'm a superstar!

Who's the hottie at 10:00?

I'm on it, mom.

Hey.

You come here often?

Uh, no... actually, it's my first time here.

Can I get you a drink?

Ah, I think I'm giving you the wrong impression.

Uh, I'm straight.

Knew I couldn't pull off a v-neck.

I'm straight, too,

and you are totally pulling off that v-neck.

In fact, there's a lady back there

that wants to pull that v-neck off you.

She's gorgeous.

That's my mom. She's pretty bang-tastic, huh?

Are you, uh, advertising your mother?

Yeah, but it goes both ways.

I scope wang, she scopes tang.

Hi, I, uh... I was talking to your son.

A little weird.

But, uh, he only had nice things to say about you.

Well, let me tell you about the really naughty things.

Hey, can I get a...

...Glass of water?

There's a puddle out front. Go to town.

Let's just man up, bite the bullet,

find some money, and pay our tabs.

This is what we owe her.

How about we hit her with a boot Jack,

throw her in the trunk, and dump her by the oil rigs?

Or we could just get Ok Cha drunk.

Forget it. My mom doesn't drink.

Why don't we spike her tea?

She'd taste that.

What about kimchi?

The stripper from the golden banana?

No, kimchi is pickled cabbage my mom eats all day.

But it tastes so strong that if you spike it,

she won't notice.

By nighttime, she'll be completely hammered.

So, we spike her kimchi.

Great idea. Let's just load it up.

Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

She's only 86 pounds. We don't want to kill her.

Let him finish.

Two champagne cocktails, Steve.

Well, let me guess.

You and Daryl are getting along?

Oh, Steve, he's fantastic.

He's fun, he's charming, he's considerate.

His accent's a little fakey,

but when you're carrying around that much tackle...

Got it, Carol.

The point is,

I think the right guy walked into this bar.

I could really fall for him.

That's great, Carol.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, laaa ♪

It's not gonna happen, Hank.

Keep saying that, but I saw "Dreamgirls."

I know how this goes.

Hey, Steve, you seen my mom?

She's over there with Daryl.

Oh, poor guy. That's her break-up move.

I'm not sure that's what's going on here.

Trust me, Steve. Mom's got a dating rule.

Three dates and out.

Then she's home in time for "Scooby-doo"

and hot chocolate with her main man.

Don't wait up for me tonight, Owen.

Daryl and I are going out to dinner.

Mom, what about three-and-out?

I don't know. Maybe this could be four-or-more.

Four-or-more?!

What does that mean for me and Scooby?

Well, it's just you and Shaggy now.

I love this song.

Oh, so do I.

- Do you sing? - You kidding me?

I was in a band in high school.

So was I!

Well, I did a band in high school.

♪ Turn around, bright eyes ♪

♪ every now and then I fall apart ♪

♪ and I need you now tonight ♪

♪ and I need you more than ever ♪

♪ and if you only hold me tight ♪

♪ we'll be holding on forever ♪

Listen to them. They're incredible together.

You guys should sing together in the contest!

- What?! Are you kidding me? - Wha... well, what do you think?

I'd love to!

♪ I really need you tonight ♪

♪ forever's gonna start tonight ♪

♪ forever's gonna start tonight ♪

Hey, what's going on?

You're singing with another man?

It's not what you think.

I have ears! I'm not blind!

I'm sorry. What's happening here?

You shut it, home wrecker.

We just started singing together,

and one thing led to another.

Oh, my God. You're dumping me?

Daryl, look...

I know we sing well together,

but I think I just must have lost my head,

because I promised Owen

that we would sing in the contest together.

Is that all right?

Of course.

Okay. Rehearsal time!

Daryl, do you mind?

Sure, buddy. You are not my dad!

Let's go, mom.

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ every now and then I get a little bit lonely ♪

♪ that you're never coming 'round ♪

♪ turn around ♪

♪ every now and then I get a little bit tired ♪

♪ of listening to the sound of my tears ♪

Stop. Mom, you're just going through the motions.

Where's the pizzazz?

Owen, this is hard for me to say.

I really like Daryl.

Maybe it's time that you and I sang with different people.

Really? That's what you want?

Honey, I love singing with you.

I'm just not in love with singing with you.

So, that's how it's gonna be, huh?

Take a good look.

'Cause some day, this is gonna be you.

How? She's not my mother.

You could've fooled me.

Poor Owen.

Yeah.

He's really hurting.

We got a shot! We got a shot!

Yes! Yes!

Owen?

How'd you know where to find me, Steve?

I didn't know I was looking for you.

What are you doing here?

I'm running away from home.

You're 30. At your age, it's called "moving out."

I'm not really moving out.

I'm just gonna let her miss me a little bit.

See, Owen, you treat your mom like she's your girlfriend.

Which means when she has a real boyfriend,

you feel like you've been dumped,

which is weird!

You've never understood the love me and my mom have.

We're different, Steve. Our love is special.

We play by our own rules.

That's the concern!

Owen, your mom's here.

I knew it.

You see that, Steve?

You treat them like shit, they come crawling back.

Send her in.

Don't go in there, Carol.

I need to apologize and make it right.

What are you apologizing for?

For living your life?

I've known you a long time.

I was there before you had him.

I watched you raise him.

You're a damn good mother.

He's hurting, Jack.

Well, that comes with the gig.

You raise your kids, and you have to let them go.

And it hurts.

That's how you know you're doing a good job.

Maybe you're right.

Then you meet somebody.

You get along.

You sing together,

and you win the trophy for Sullivan & Son.

Thanks, Jack.

Maybe it's time we both grew up, huh?

Was that my mom I just heard?

Yeah, she just left.

What?

Bitches be crazy!

♪ Once upon a time, there was light in my life ♪

♪ now there's only love in the dark ♪ ♪

♪ nothing I can say ♪

♪ a total eclipse of the heart ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, one more time

for the Carol and Daryl experience!

Judges, what say you?

Aah! 48 out of 50,

the highest score of the night!

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

from Mark's pub in Shadyside, Tom and Randy!

They're going with a brother act?

That's no brother act.

♪ We're no strangers to love ♪

♪ you know the rules, and so do I ♪

♪ a full commitment's what I'm thinking of ♪

♪ you wouldn't get this from any other guy ♪

♪ I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling ♪

The one thing we didn't plan for...

Gays.

Let me tell you, they've got the "it" factor.

You know how I know?

Because I've got the "it" factor.

And you didn't recognize that, either!

Go screw yourself!

That's her third bowl of spiked kimchi.

I know, but I can't tell.

Is it working?

Bye bye, bar tab.

♪ Never gonna give, never gonna give ♪

♪ give you up ♪

♪ never gonna give, never gonna give ♪

♪ give you up ♪

Tom and Randy.

49? 49?

We lost?

Steve, I'm telling you. I can win this.

I'm a trained singer.

I just can't do it in front of people.

So, what do you want me to do,

have everybody stand outside while you sing?

Perfect!

Hi, I'm Owen Walsh.

Used to be a part of The Lovin' Walshes.

Now I'm working solo.

This one's going out to mom.

♪ At first, I was afraid, I was petrified ♪

♪ kept thinking I could never live without you by my side ♪

♪ but then I spent so many nights ♪

♪ thinking how you did me wrong ♪

♪ and I grew strong ♪

I learned how to get along!

Now, go on! Go!

Walk out the door!

Don't turn around now,

'cause you're not welcome anymore!

Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?!

Did you think I would crumble?!

Did you think I would lay down and die?!

Hey! Hey!

Leave him alone!

He's hurting!

Don't worry, baby.

If I can survive, you can survive.

You've got to sing it like you mean it!

♪ Oh, yes, yes, you ♪

♪ you will survive ♪

♪ oh, as long as you know how to love ♪

♪ you know you'll stay alive ♪

She's definitely drunk now.

No, no, she's hammered.

Look at her. She's happy.

I don't feel safe.

Hey! Hey!

Oh, I am recording this.

I always kind of hoped she'd do that

while she was on top of me.

And stop. And delete.

- You're going to survive, right? - Right!

Then sing with me!

♪ I will survive ♪

♪ oh, as long as I know how to love ♪

♪ I know I'll stay alive ♪

♪ I've got all my life to live ♪

♪ I've got all my love to give ♪

♪ I'll survive ♪

♪ I will survive ♪

♪ whoa, whoa, now go ♪

♪ walk out the door ♪

♪ just turn around now ♪

♪ oh, you're not welcome anymore ♪

♪ weren't you the one who tried to crush me with goodbye? ♪

♪ you think I'd crumble? ♪

♪ oh, was I gonna lay down and die?! ♪

♪ oh, no, not I ♪

♪ I will survive ♪

♪ whoa, as long as I know how to love ♪

♪ I know I'll stay alive ♪

♪ I've got all my life to live ♪

♪ I've got all my love to give ♪

♪ and I'll survive ♪

♪ I will survive! ♪

50! They got a 50!

Holy crap, we won!

Hey!

Who wants to do Tequila shots

off of my belly?

Steve, go get your mother!

Dad... brought home the trophy.

The losing streak's over.

Who knows?

This could be the start of a good run.

- The dart tournament's next month. - Hey, hey, hey.

Let's just enjoy tonight.

Tonight, we're champions.

Congratulations, sweetie.

You were terrific.

Thanks, mom.

Owen, that was amazing.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry I overreacted about you and my mom.

Oh, I understand.

And I want you to know that I'm very fond of your mother.

She's very special.

Take care of her.

Thanks, sweetie.

So, Ok Cha.

Ohh, there's my chocolate Teddy bear.

It's about our bar tab.

I'm feeling so good,

I'm going to show you

what I'm going to do with your tabs.

Feel so sleepy.

B-b-before you pass out, just tear up...

Tear up the tab.

I just need to put my head down.

Tear up the tabs!

All we have to do is slide the tab out,

tear it up ourselves,

then, in the morning, tell her she did it.

Don't try it, fat boys!

Is anybody here?

Ave Maria ♪

♪ gratia plena♪

♪ Maria♪

♪ gratia plena♪

♪ benedicta ♪

♪ et benedictus♪

♪ fructus ventris ♪

♪ ventris tui ♪

♪ jesus♪

♪ ave Maria ♪

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com