All language subtitles for Sullivan and Son S02E09

Roy, is that what you're eating
for lunch... caramel corn?

- Damn right.
- Well, I thought your cardidiologit

told you to eat healthier.

What does he know?

Well, he knows you're a heart
attack waiting to happen.

Give me a break!
This is healthy!

Look...
Corn is a vegetable.

Peanuts... protein.
The caramel's non-fat.

It's basically
a salad in a box.

So what prize did you get?

I got this stupid
plastic spider.

That's a rip! In my day,
you got a real prize!

A little, uh, pinball machine,
a fake tattoo.

- Once I even got a real diamond ring.
- Really?

Well, it was attached
to a finger.

I think it might have been
a factory accident.

Hey, you know who we could
freak out with this, right?

Owen... he's got
terrible arachnophobia.

Oh, we're all afraid of people
from Ahmed's country.

I'm not from Iraq.
I'm from Egypt.

Sand is sand.

Yeah, this would scare
the crap out of him.

He always falls for this stuff.

Let's put it down his shirt.

- Let's put it in his peanuts.
- Ooh, that's good.

Oh, here he comes.
Here he comes.

Hey, Steve, what do you think?
I'm looking for a job.

And there's something here
for a computer company

that intrigues me.

Now, aside form porn,
what is the Internet?

It's not just for that!

The Internet has changed the world.

It's connected us
with people and places

that were unimaginable before.

Wow, Hank. I didn't realize
you were so Internet-savvy.

Oh, yeah...
That's where I buy and sell

all my Nazi war memorabilia.

What the...?

I told you he'd freak!

- That's not funny, Ahmed!
I hit my head! - So?

My head's different
than everybody else's.

Yeah, it's bigger,
and there's less in it.

No, I have a soft spot
back there.

- You mean like a baby?
- Exactly. I hit my fontanel.

You hit Roy's sister?

- Fontanel...is that
even a real thing? - Yeah.

So the baby's head
can squish down

when you're giving birth.

You got to get
that baby out of there

as quickly as possible.

I was lucky.

You had a tiny little head...

And delicate, little hips.

You slipped right out
like a bar of soap.

Thanks for sharing.

If your dad didn't catch you
in his apron,

you would have slipped
right into the jukebox.

sync and corrected by bellows
www.addic7ed.com

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da da da, da, da da ♪

♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪

♪ da da da da,
da da da, da da da ♪

♪ da da da da, da da da,
da da da, da da da, hey! ♪

Steve, I really need your help.

What's up, Carol?

I got a call from the IRS,
and they're auditing me.

All right, Carol, don't panic.
Most of these are just routine.

But I work at the DMV!

We're all government workers...

We're supposed to
help each other out.

If an IRS person comes in,

I don't care
if they're legally blind.

I'll give them
a driver's license anyway.

It's not personal, Carol.
It's random.

Oh, you're naive.

The government
has eyes everywhere.

They want to know
all your business.

But I'm smarter than them.

As far as the IRS knows,

Ok Cha Sullivan died in 1979.

Is there, uh, anything about
your return that's unusual?

No...
I report all my income.

I deduct all
the normal things...

Hair, makeup, outfits, shoes.

Why do you deduct those, again?

Because they're expensive.

And people expect a certain
amount of glamour from me.

I'm not sure if you could technically
write off for "glamour."

Oh, great.

The next thing
you're gonna tell me

is I can't claim my son, Owen,
as a dependent.

Well, he is 30.

Oh, no, no.
I don't declare him as my son.

You see, Steve...

And, uh,
don't spread this around

because it would
embarrass Owen terribly...

But he and I,
we have a civil union.

You're married to your son?

Well, I checked the box off
one year by mistake,

and they sent me
this huge refund,

so I've done it ever since.

Seriously,
with that kind of money,

you'd be crazy
not to marry your kids.

I'm thinking this isn't gonna be
as easy as I thought.

Well, what am I gonna do?

Honestly, Carol, I'm a lawyer.

What you need is an accountant.

Oh, why don't you ask Susan?

Why her?

Because your sister
is an accountant.

Oh, right.
She is.

You know, your family doesn't
give Susan enough credit.

Susan was a partner
at a big accounting firm.

She did the books for the bar

back when she was
in high school.

I remember that.

She never went to prom
because of tax season.

Yeah. That's why.

Susan?

I'm in a little trouble
with the IRS,

and I was just wondering
if I could get your help.

Of course, Carol.

Why don't we set up a time
to review your past returns

and any accompanying
documentation you have...

Your long forms, your form C's.

I'll prepare a report,
and I'll accompany you

to your meeting
with the auditor.

Carol?

Sorry.

You know, I didn't realize
that you knew so much.

From listening to your mom,

I just assumed you were
basically institutionalized.

Can I get a beer, please, Steve?

Sure, Owen.

Uh...
It's a protective helmet!

I got a concussion from that
little prank Ahmed played on me,

so I have to wear this
to protect my fontanel.

Go ahead, fellas.
Laugh it up.

Make fun of stupid Owen.

Hey, we're your friends.
We're not gonna make fun of you.

But if the other sperm
come in here looking for you,

where should we tell them you are?

Sorry. I'm sorry.
We're done.

Absolutely.

So, Owen...

What time are you getting
shot out of the Cannon?

Look, I'm done with you guys!

Come on, Owen.
We're just joking around.

Hey, look!
It's a walking tampon!

Why is the joke always on me?!

- 'Cause it's so easy!
- Yeah, but I'm sick of it.

I'm tired of being
everyone's target.

Owen, you want me
to be honest with you?

- You kind of ask for it.
- Do not.

Well, you don't fight
your own battles.

You don't stick up
for yourself.

You're lucky my mom
didn't hear you say that.

Owen, focus for a minute.

Who are you really mad at?

I'm mad at Ahmed for putting
a spider in my peanuts.

Exactly...
So get him back.

But how? He's a powerful
and successful tow-truck driver.

Owen, come on.
You know what to do.

He gives you a wedgie,
you give him a swirly.

He gives you a pink belly,
you give him a titty twister.

That's the Pittsburgh way.

Yeah. I'm from Pittsburgh.
I can do that.

Of course you can, Owen.

You're just as smart
as they are.

Just need to put on
your thinking cap.

You're right. I'm sick of being
the butt of everyone's joke.

For once, I just want to
get one over on you guys.

Hey, Owen.
Does that thing vibrate?

Steve, can I plug my phone in?
Can't let it die.

That's the burden of being
a first responder.

Ahmed, tow-truck drivers
are not first responders.

Uh, yeah, we are.

It goes police, fire,
tow truck, coast guard.

I got it.

Roy!
Come here a second!

Melanie, you're a paramedic.

You get me, as a fellow
first responder.

I don't even get you
as a second responder.

You clean up
after everybody's left.

You're like an asphalt bus boy.

Steel town towing.

Yeah.
Sure.

Downtown.

The Nigerian ambassador's
limo broke down.

The limo with
all the flags on it.

Got it.
Yeah. I'll be right there.

It is a blessing

that you are coming to get us.

How long? Half-hour? Good, good.
My wives are scared.

And we need you
to come very fast.

We are depending on you
as a first responder.

Praise by Jesus.
Thank you.

Guys, seriously, I thought
you got over prank calls

back in high school.

Yeah, where did you guys
really send Ahmed?

Obama's in town.

Sent him to go tow
the president's limo.

Impressive, Owen...

You've involved
the federal government.

Wait. I-I don't get
why that's funny.

'Cause he's an
arab-American driving a huge tow truck

right at the presidential limousine!

He could be arrested or shot!

That's the joke!

And this is for my nighttime
moisturizing serum

with Alpha-hydroxy acids.

Hey, this doesn't happen
by accident.

You know, I've got to be
honest with you, Carol.

It's gonna be really hard
to convince the auditor

- that these are legitimate
business expenses. - Why?

Because they're not
legitimate business expenses.

That's not the way
I look at it.

Susan, have you
noticed something

about people these days?

They walk around
in their awful t-shirts

and their dirty jeans.

Everything is so drab.

There's no pizzazz,
no glamour, no allure.

That's where I come in.

Work at the DMV ends
at 5:00,

so I clear out by 3:30.

I head straight home.
I take a long bath.

I lay out that night's outfit.

I choose my powder and my scent,
and I bring it all together.

I sit in this bar, and I glow.

I give people something sensual
and radiant to look at.

And often I get laid.

But that's not why I do it.

All right, that's one of
the reasons why I do it.

But the main reason

is that people need beauty
in their lives.

And I'm here
to bring it to them.

I don't think the IRS
is gonna see it that way.

I'm sorry, Carol.

I think you're gonna owe
a lot of money.

Oh, this is terrible.
I don't have any money.

What am I gonna do now,
divorce my son?

Look, Carol, in my experience,

a lot of these audits come
down to the relationship

between the accountant
and the auditor.

So, we'll just go down
and talk to James Franklin

and hope for the best.

James Franklin?

Yeah, do you know him?

I know he's a man.

Honey, we've got no problem.

- What do you mean?
- He's a man.

I can get him to do
anything I want.

That's my superpower.

I don't think
that's a superpower.

Honey, trust me.

It's a superpower.

It's right up there with flying
and squirting spider webs.

Ok Cha, tell your daughter
what my superpower is.

You're a big slut.

Boy, Ahmed's been gone forever.

This is going better than I
could have ever dreamed.

Well, for your sake,
I hope it turns out okay.

Hey, he started it.

Dad, I'm sure Ahmed's
laughing about it right now.

Hey, Ahmed.
What happened?

That wasn't the Nigerian
ambassador on the phone.

Somebody here sent me
to tow the president's limo.

Gotcha!
Boom!

Yeah... thanks, Owen.

Homeland Security
thought I was a terrorist.

Well, if it walks like a duck
and it talks like a duck...

They threw me in a room.
They interrogated me for hours.

They strip-searched me.

Hey, that's the Pittsburgh way.

Owen, I was anally probed!

Did they find anything?

You guys have no idea

what it's like to be
Arab-American.

People take one look at you,

and they just think
you're carrying a bomb.

Ahmed, y-you're right.
That's terrible.

This got way out of hand.

Owen, you wanted to get one
of the guys, and you did it,

but I think you went
a little too far.

So just apologize to Ahmed
and be done with it.

Wait, what?

The one time I get
one of you guys back,

I have to apologize?

I'll apologize to his butt

when he apologizes
for my brain.

They took my buttginity.

They took Roy's grandmother?

You guys need to grow up and
stop with this pranking crap.

You're all a bunch
of man-babies.

- Why, when I was your age, I had
already fought in a war. - Me, too.

- I had two kids.
- Me, too.

- I had a mortgage.
- Me, too!

And I didn't sit around in
a bar drinking all day.

Here's where we part ways.

You know what this is about?

This is about the fact
that, for once,

Owen Walsh got
one of you guys back.

And you know what, Ahmed?
You can't take it.

Oh, I can take it.

I took it in the basement
of the federal building.

And I took it in my own,
personal basement.

Hey, hey.
Drop it.

Look, if anything,
you both should be mad at Roy.

It was Roy with the spider.
It was Roy on the phone.

So, let's just shut it down.

Oh, no. This isn't over.
I'm just getting started.

And no one in the bar is safe.

I won't forget this.
You're dead.

I'm not afraid of you.

I'm not afraid of him.

Oh, give Ahmed some time.
He'll get over it.

Oh, yeah, his people
are known for that.

I've looked through
your tax returns

and your supporting
legal documents,

and I fail to understand
how all these beauty products

constitute allowable
tax deductions.

Well, as my client says
in her letter,

one of the requirements
of her public persona

is to maintain
a glamorous and...

Alluring.

Alluring appearance,
as well as to...

Radiate sex appeal.

Well, I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to disallow

all these deductions.

Which means that you are
gonna owe the government...

Now would be
a good time to use your superpower.

Mr. Franklin.

Mr. Franklin.

Mr. Franklin,
look at me.

Hello there, James.

Hello there.

Do you know what I do, James?

I love.

That's why I was
put on this earth...

to give and receive

deep and lasting pleasure.

Wait.
What am I doing?

You're about to ask me
out to dinner.

Will you go out
to dinner with me?

Of course I will, James.

Oh. Well, I guess I'll see you
tonight at 6:30.

Don't be late. I won't.
I'm leaving right now.

Carol, that was awesome!

Well, it was okay.

Usually I get them
to give me their car.

Hi.
I'm Mrs. Deitmuller.

Where's James?

He just walked straight
out of the building.

I'll be your new auditor.

Let me just finish
totaling up what you owe.

Mrs. Deitmuller.

Mrs. Deitmuller.

Mrs. Deitmuller,
look at me.

Do you know why
I was put on earth?

Don't give a shit.

bottom of the ninth,
bases loaded, two outs.

And it's a strike.

Why didn't he swing?

That was right down the middle.

How did you get to be
such a big baseball fan?

Oh, everybody plays
baseball in South Korea.

But nobody hits a home run

because it goes
into north Korea,

and you never
get the ball back.

Let's go! Yeah! Yeah!

Ah! The satellite's out!
You got to be kidding me.

- Owen, it's your turn to go up on the
- On it.

And while you're up there,

jiggle me some
free "Game of Thrones."

Did you do it?

Oh, yeah.
Did it this morning.

I put the spider
right on the dish.

Awesome.

Owen's gonna climb
all the way to the roof,

see the spider, and freak.

Yeah, you're finally
gonna get him back.

Aah! Spider!

Oh, my God!

Owen!
Is he okay?

He's not breathing.

Come on, buddy.
Come on.

This isn't happening.

You couldn't stop!
You had to do one more!

You happy now?

I can't believe
I'm saying this.

He's gone.

Oh, my God.
Owen.

I should have never
put that spider up there.

This is my fault.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Aah!
Aah!

Gotcha!

I got you, finally!

Owen Walsh, master prankster.

Thanks for the assist, Ahmed.

It was my pleasure.

Just a little
short of breath here.

S-so you two aren't mad
at each other anymore?

No, we got over it
by getting you.

So you were all in on this?

Well, mostly I'm against
this kind of jackass stuff.

But, uh, you should have
seen your face!

So what flew by the window?
Oh, CPR dummy.

Thanks for that
mouth-to-mouth, by the way.

Yeah, next time,
lay off the tongue.

Got to admit, Roy,
that was pretty funny.

Not really. I'm starting to feel
a little bad here, Steve.

My... my arm's tingling.

Feels like an elephant's
sitting on my chest.

Seriously?

You're gonna pull
a fake death prank

after a fake death prank?

You're better than that, Roy.

Guys, I'm serious.

It's starting to hurt here.

Guys?
Guys?

Call 911.

Yeah, it was a heart attack.

It was a mild one,
but it was real.

Thank God for the defibrillator.

Your uncle was there?

Hank, cut it out.
His uncle's name's not defibrillator.

Actually, it is.

See? Those people
don't have normal names.

So we've pranked
the whole body...

The ass, the head, the heart.

Are we done now?

Yeah.

I was thinking about that
as I was headed to the light,

towards my grandma
and Michael Jackson.

And I thought about you, Owen,
and you're right.

We always did make you
the butt of the jokes,

and I'm sorry for that, man.

So I'm glad you got me.
I'm glad you got me good.

And I'm glad I'm still alive.

Thanks, man.

I'm glad you're still alive, too.

See? This is nice.

Everybody's friends,
no more pranks.

Just sitting, hanging,
drinking beer.

Speaking of which,
round on me, Steve.

Coming up.

And the winner
of the wet-t-shirt contest...

Miss Steve Sullivan!

Okay, okay.
Good one. Good one.

You got me.
Are the pranks done now?

Yeah.
Yeah. They're done.

Ugh.

Good.

Hey, Carol. I just got
a call from the IRS.

Your audit is complete,
and you owe nothing.

Isn't that amazing?

Well, I kind of knew
I was going to skate.

How?
When we left that office,

Mrs. Deitmuller seemed like
she had made up her mind.

Yes, but then
I called her later,

and we met for coffee, and...

Things went from there.

Wait a minute...

You have a superpower
with women too?

Well, yes.

I discovered it a few years ago
at a Subaru dealership.

But that's not what happened.

I asked her about herself,

and it turns out
she was lonely.

So I gave her a few tips.

There's beauty in there.
It just needed to blossom.

And she's a quick learner...
Watch.

Look at me.

sync and corrected by bellows
www.addic7ed.com