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1
00:00:03,889 --> 00:00:05,824
Look what they want
for a ticket to Korea.
2
00:00:05,858 --> 00:00:08,060
That's an outrage.
Who could afford that?
3
00:00:08,094 --> 00:00:09,561
Well, that's for first class.
4
00:00:09,595 --> 00:00:12,665
If I can't fly first class,
I'm not going.
5
00:00:12,699 --> 00:00:14,299
Come on.
Fly coach.
6
00:00:14,333 --> 00:00:15,701
It's for you mom's birthday.
7
00:00:15,735 --> 00:00:17,703
How often does
a Korean woman turn 90?
8
00:00:17,737 --> 00:00:19,638
Every 30 seconds.
9
00:00:21,074 --> 00:00:24,076
The meaner they are,
the longer they live.
10
00:00:24,110 --> 00:00:25,477
Your father's right.
11
00:00:25,545 --> 00:00:27,379
My mother is mean.
12
00:00:27,413 --> 00:00:29,048
My whole life, she told me
13
00:00:29,082 --> 00:00:31,116
I would never
amount to anything,
14
00:00:31,184 --> 00:00:32,517
that I was a nobody.
15
00:00:32,552 --> 00:00:35,253
She criticized my looks,
how I dressed.
16
00:00:35,288 --> 00:00:37,089
She told me I was stupid.
17
00:00:37,123 --> 00:00:38,523
She called me fat.
18
00:00:38,558 --> 00:00:40,325
Can you believe a mother
19
00:00:40,359 --> 00:00:42,360
would say that
to her own daughter?
20
00:00:43,663 --> 00:00:46,131
Rings a bell.
21
00:00:46,166 --> 00:00:48,200
Don't interrupt me.
22
00:00:48,234 --> 00:00:50,135
And don't wear blue.
23
00:00:50,170 --> 00:00:52,404
You look like
a big, fat bruise.
24
00:00:54,507 --> 00:00:57,676
So, if I go,
I'm going first class.
25
00:00:57,711 --> 00:01:00,412
My mother's going to see
me get off the plane
26
00:01:00,446 --> 00:01:01,747
with all the amenities.
27
00:01:01,815 --> 00:01:05,184
I'm going to say, "look at me.
28
00:01:05,218 --> 00:01:08,053
"I made it.
I'm somebody.
29
00:01:08,088 --> 00:01:11,289
Happy Birthday,
you old bitch."
30
00:01:11,324 --> 00:01:14,093
Can I get a napkin, Steve?
31
00:01:14,127 --> 00:01:15,427
Well, that is
quite a stack of cookies
32
00:01:15,494 --> 00:01:16,995
you got in front of you.
33
00:01:17,030 --> 00:01:19,531
Don't judge me.
I'm just stressed out.
34
00:01:19,565 --> 00:01:21,533
My doctor gave me glaucoma.
35
00:01:23,203 --> 00:01:25,237
A doctor can't give you
glaucoma.
36
00:01:25,271 --> 00:01:27,139
All I know is
when I went in there,
37
00:01:27,173 --> 00:01:29,074
I didn't have glaucoma.
38
00:01:29,109 --> 00:01:31,777
But when I left, I had it.
39
00:01:31,811 --> 00:01:33,245
Take this seriously, Hank.
40
00:01:33,279 --> 00:01:34,713
Glaucoma
is pressure on the eye.
41
00:01:34,748 --> 00:01:37,116
You can go blind from it.
I know.
42
00:01:37,183 --> 00:01:39,417
I've got a physical
coming up at work,
43
00:01:39,452 --> 00:01:42,087
and if I fail the eye test,
they'll can me.
44
00:01:42,122 --> 00:01:44,589
For some reason, they think
perfect eyesight's necessary
45
00:01:44,657 --> 00:01:46,792
for an air-traffic controller.
46
00:01:48,327 --> 00:01:49,828
Well, you do land planes.
47
00:01:49,863 --> 00:01:51,296
Computers do it all.
48
00:01:51,330 --> 00:01:53,065
We're just there so people
49
00:01:53,099 --> 00:01:54,800
see shapes moving in the tower.
50
00:01:55,869 --> 00:01:57,502
Hank, glaucoma is treatable.
51
00:01:57,536 --> 00:01:59,171
There are eye drops for it.
52
00:01:59,239 --> 00:02:02,808
But I can't do the drops
because of my diabetes meds.
53
00:02:02,876 --> 00:02:04,409
Then why are you
eating that cookie?
54
00:02:04,443 --> 00:02:05,844
Do you know
how much sugar is in that?
55
00:02:05,879 --> 00:02:07,746
How would I know?
I can't see labels.
56
00:02:07,814 --> 00:02:09,848
I have freaking glaucoma!
57
00:02:11,217 --> 00:02:13,485
You know, Hank, there's another
treatment for glaucoma...
58
00:02:13,519 --> 00:02:14,619
Marijuana.
59
00:02:14,654 --> 00:02:16,121
Forget it.
I don't do drugs.
60
00:02:16,189 --> 00:02:18,290
I take care of my body.
61
00:02:18,324 --> 00:02:19,858
It's not a big deal.
62
00:02:19,893 --> 00:02:21,593
I bet you Roy can
get you some weed.
63
00:02:21,661 --> 00:02:23,328
That's racist.
64
00:02:25,498 --> 00:02:28,767
But I could get you some.
65
00:02:29,371 --> 00:02:32,371
sync and corrections by bellows
www.addic7ed.com
66
00:02:32,872 --> 00:02:36,741
♪ Da da da da,
da da da, da, da da ♪
67
00:02:36,810 --> 00:02:41,079
♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪
68
00:02:41,114 --> 00:02:45,217
♪ da da da da,
da da da, da da da ♪
69
00:02:45,251 --> 00:02:50,755
♪ da da da da, da da da,
da da da, da da da, hey! ♪
70
00:02:50,824 --> 00:02:52,590
Oh, my God.
Mom, are you okay?
71
00:02:52,658 --> 00:02:53,792
I'm fine.
72
00:02:53,827 --> 00:02:55,393
I just need to sit down.
73
00:02:55,428 --> 00:02:56,728
What happened?
74
00:02:56,762 --> 00:02:59,464
I was crossing the street,
and a car hit me.
75
00:02:59,498 --> 00:03:00,665
Are you okay?
76
00:03:00,700 --> 00:03:01,834
My leg just hurts.
77
00:03:01,868 --> 00:03:03,101
Did you get the license plate?
78
00:03:03,136 --> 00:03:04,602
I got all the info.
79
00:03:04,637 --> 00:03:06,205
The driver's coming by.
80
00:03:06,239 --> 00:03:07,672
Mom, we're
going to the hospital.
81
00:03:07,707 --> 00:03:09,341
I'm fine!
82
00:03:09,375 --> 00:03:11,176
There's nothing
that can't be fixed
83
00:03:11,244 --> 00:03:13,712
with duct tape and a stick.
84
00:03:13,746 --> 00:03:16,414
Well, that's what you said
about my arm when I was 7.
85
00:03:16,449 --> 00:03:18,483
That's why I throw like a girl.
86
00:03:18,551 --> 00:03:20,418
Yeah, that's why.
87
00:03:21,687 --> 00:03:22,921
So, when's your eye test?
88
00:03:22,956 --> 00:03:24,789
This afternoon.
I'm gonna fail it.
89
00:03:24,824 --> 00:03:26,458
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
90
00:03:26,492 --> 00:03:27,792
Why don't you just flirt with
91
00:03:27,861 --> 00:03:29,527
the lady who gives
you the eye test?
92
00:03:29,562 --> 00:03:32,797
I give eye tests all
the time at the DMV.
93
00:03:32,832 --> 00:03:34,266
Just the other day,
94
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:36,335
I gave a blind man
a driver's license
95
00:03:36,402 --> 00:03:39,404
just because he
complimented me on my body.
96
00:03:39,438 --> 00:03:42,140
But he couldn't see it.
97
00:03:42,175 --> 00:03:44,676
I let him feel it.
98
00:03:44,710 --> 00:03:45,911
Ooh, brownies.
99
00:03:45,945 --> 00:03:47,179
These aren't for you.
100
00:03:47,213 --> 00:03:48,513
They're special brownies.
101
00:03:48,547 --> 00:03:50,282
They have marijuana in them.
102
00:03:50,316 --> 00:03:51,483
- What?
- Yeah.
103
00:03:51,550 --> 00:03:53,252
They're pot brownies
for his glaucoma.
104
00:03:53,286 --> 00:03:55,254
We're going to help Hank
pass his test.
105
00:03:55,288 --> 00:03:56,454
Hey, Hank.
106
00:03:56,489 --> 00:03:57,822
I've got some killer brownies here.
107
00:03:57,857 --> 00:03:58,857
You want one?
108
00:03:58,892 --> 00:04:01,193
Ooh, I love brownies.
109
00:04:01,227 --> 00:04:02,427
Mmm.
110
00:04:02,495 --> 00:04:04,596
Oh, these taste like shit.
111
00:04:06,299 --> 00:04:08,500
But they're still brownies,
so give me another.
112
00:04:09,869 --> 00:04:11,303
Hello, again, gang!
113
00:04:11,337 --> 00:04:12,737
Hi, Gary.
114
00:04:12,772 --> 00:04:14,739
That's him.
That's the driver.
115
00:04:14,774 --> 00:04:16,208
Sadly, I am.
116
00:04:16,242 --> 00:04:17,542
I was at the helm
of the vehicle
117
00:04:17,610 --> 00:04:19,544
that caused the slight mishap.
118
00:04:19,612 --> 00:04:21,513
Hello, Gary.
119
00:04:21,547 --> 00:04:23,282
Hello, Melanie.
120
00:04:23,316 --> 00:04:24,383
Remember last year?
121
00:04:24,417 --> 00:04:25,750
This was my creepy neighbor
122
00:04:25,818 --> 00:04:27,886
who stole my underwear
from the laundry room.
123
00:04:27,921 --> 00:04:29,721
Melanie, I'm proud to say
124
00:04:29,755 --> 00:04:32,224
that's an addiction
I have overcome.
125
00:04:32,258 --> 00:04:34,626
I am six months panty sober!
126
00:04:37,563 --> 00:04:39,898
So sorry, Mrs. Sullivan.
I just didn't see you.
127
00:04:39,933 --> 00:04:41,599
You just came out of nowhere
128
00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:44,769
like one of those scary
Korean water ghosts.
129
00:04:44,804 --> 00:04:47,205
Is there anything
that I can do?
130
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:48,506
I don't know.
131
00:04:48,541 --> 00:04:51,276
My ankle hurts so much.
132
00:04:51,344 --> 00:04:56,481
Perhaps I can put some
cold hard cash on it.
133
00:04:56,515 --> 00:04:58,317
Excuse me?
134
00:04:58,351 --> 00:05:00,718
Insurance companies
take so long.
135
00:05:00,753 --> 00:05:03,788
Maybe we can settle
this like neighbors?
136
00:05:03,823 --> 00:05:07,259
Mrs. Sullivan,
you're a grand lady.
137
00:05:07,293 --> 00:05:08,726
Can't tell you
how thrilled I am
138
00:05:08,761 --> 00:05:10,228
to be able to handle this
139
00:05:10,296 --> 00:05:11,830
outside the official channels,
as it were.
140
00:05:11,864 --> 00:05:14,232
I can't afford
to lose my license.
141
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:15,900
I drive a mobile van
142
00:05:15,969 --> 00:05:18,603
that grooms
homeless people's dogs.
143
00:05:20,373 --> 00:05:21,673
It's for their self-esteem
144
00:05:21,707 --> 00:05:23,808
so when you see
a stinking, disheveled person
145
00:05:23,843 --> 00:05:25,344
with a beautifully groomed dog,
146
00:05:25,378 --> 00:05:26,478
you say, "hey,
147
00:05:26,545 --> 00:05:29,448
that could be
Barbra Streisand."
148
00:05:31,317 --> 00:05:32,717
And I do hope
this covers your...
149
00:05:32,751 --> 00:05:34,652
Your pain and suffering.
150
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,455
Oh, thank you.
151
00:05:36,489 --> 00:05:38,790
Mom, are you sure?
You haven't even seen a doctor.
152
00:05:38,824 --> 00:05:40,625
I don't need a doctor.
153
00:05:40,659 --> 00:05:43,928
I can already feel
this money healing me.
154
00:05:43,963 --> 00:05:47,499
Steve, your mother and I have
come to an understanding,
155
00:05:47,533 --> 00:05:49,801
I guess that's because
I have the utmost respect
156
00:05:49,869 --> 00:05:52,337
for her magnificent culture.
157
00:05:52,405 --> 00:05:56,308
They gave us pasta, fireworks,
some say algebra.
158
00:05:57,710 --> 00:05:58,977
That's the Chinese.
159
00:05:59,012 --> 00:06:01,046
Oh, my goodness.
I'm so sorry.
160
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,415
I should have said
"benihana."
161
00:06:03,449 --> 00:06:05,650
So, I'm glad
this is all cleared up.
162
00:06:05,718 --> 00:06:08,853
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I am in the middle of a cleanse,
163
00:06:08,888 --> 00:06:11,589
and I'm a little bit
far from my apartment.
164
00:06:11,624 --> 00:06:12,857
So long, gang!
165
00:06:12,892 --> 00:06:14,393
Bye, Gary!
166
00:06:14,427 --> 00:06:15,460
Yes!
167
00:06:15,495 --> 00:06:17,095
Korea, here I come...
168
00:06:17,130 --> 00:06:18,897
First class.
169
00:06:18,931 --> 00:06:20,432
Hand me the laptop, Steve.
170
00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:21,966
Mom, what's going on?
171
00:06:22,001 --> 00:06:23,835
I just scammed that sucker.
172
00:06:23,869 --> 00:06:26,338
Wait.
You didn't really get hit?
173
00:06:26,372 --> 00:06:27,672
Oh, I got hit.
174
00:06:27,706 --> 00:06:30,409
You got to get hit,
or the scam doesn't work.
175
00:06:30,443 --> 00:06:32,411
What are you talking about?
176
00:06:32,445 --> 00:06:35,880
I waited in the crosswalk
for an expensive car to come,
177
00:06:35,915 --> 00:06:38,050
and then I threw myself
in front of it...
178
00:06:38,084 --> 00:06:41,319
Rolled over the hood
like Jackie Chan.
179
00:06:41,354 --> 00:06:43,355
You could have been killed.
180
00:06:43,389 --> 00:06:45,090
Do you realize
how insane this is?
181
00:06:45,124 --> 00:06:46,624
Oh, please.
182
00:06:46,659 --> 00:06:48,093
I've been doing stuff
like this for years.
183
00:06:48,127 --> 00:06:49,428
It's time you knew.
184
00:06:49,495 --> 00:06:51,496
That's how I raise extra money.
185
00:06:51,531 --> 00:06:53,498
You have a little accident.
They pay you off.
186
00:06:53,533 --> 00:06:56,134
Next thing you know,
you've got a flat-screen.
187
00:06:58,037 --> 00:06:59,571
That's how we got
the flat-screen?
188
00:06:59,605 --> 00:07:02,807
It was "slippery floor"
at Circuit City.
189
00:07:04,810 --> 00:07:06,478
I-I don't know
what to say.
190
00:07:06,512 --> 00:07:07,879
Well, how about, "thank you"?
191
00:07:07,913 --> 00:07:09,847
How do you think
we could afford
192
00:07:09,915 --> 00:07:11,916
to send you to hockey camp?
193
00:07:11,951 --> 00:07:14,018
I put a piece of glass
in a chicken nugget
194
00:07:14,087 --> 00:07:15,787
and ate it.
195
00:07:17,090 --> 00:07:19,458
You swallowed glass?
196
00:07:19,492 --> 00:07:21,926
Going in was not the hard part.
197
00:07:27,833 --> 00:07:30,735
What are you laughing at, Hank?
198
00:07:30,769 --> 00:07:32,770
Where do I buy these clothes?
199
00:07:34,574 --> 00:07:35,807
How you feeling, Hank?
200
00:07:35,841 --> 00:07:37,709
So good.
201
00:07:37,776 --> 00:07:39,911
Put her there, my brother.
202
00:07:39,979 --> 00:07:42,046
You ever been to Dairy Queen
203
00:07:42,081 --> 00:07:44,782
and seen that
vanilla-chocolate swirl?
204
00:07:44,817 --> 00:07:47,885
That's our hands together.
205
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,422
You and I are big Dairy Queens.
206
00:08:00,325 --> 00:08:02,059
Mom, we need to talk to you.
207
00:08:02,094 --> 00:08:03,995
I'm not giving the money back.
208
00:08:04,062 --> 00:08:05,930
You have to.
It's fraud.
209
00:08:05,964 --> 00:08:07,398
I'm flying to Korea
210
00:08:07,432 --> 00:08:09,801
in a fully reclinable seat.
211
00:08:09,835 --> 00:08:12,804
I'm going to crush
my mother's soul
212
00:08:12,838 --> 00:08:15,273
with my first-class slippers.
213
00:08:15,307 --> 00:08:16,908
Look, hon,
214
00:08:16,942 --> 00:08:18,910
you might have
been able to get away
215
00:08:18,944 --> 00:08:21,212
with ingesting cleaning products
when you were younger...
216
00:08:21,246 --> 00:08:24,182
And thank you for
the golf clubs, by the way...
217
00:08:24,216 --> 00:08:26,483
But you're not 25 anymore.
218
00:08:26,518 --> 00:08:28,019
You're going to hurt yourself.
219
00:08:28,053 --> 00:08:29,887
Mom, give the money back.
220
00:08:29,955 --> 00:08:31,823
I see.
221
00:08:31,857 --> 00:08:34,391
When it's for me, I have
to give the money back.
222
00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:35,526
When it was for you,
223
00:08:35,593 --> 00:08:37,829
I didn't see any of you complaining.
224
00:08:37,863 --> 00:08:39,563
Like...
Like for your braces.
225
00:08:39,631 --> 00:08:42,533
You want to go back to being
"Bucky Beaver Stever"?
226
00:08:44,402 --> 00:08:46,804
Hey, mom, did you ever
hurt yourself for me
227
00:08:46,839 --> 00:08:48,372
so I could get something?
228
00:08:48,406 --> 00:08:51,843
Oh, Susan, it's not a contest.
229
00:08:51,877 --> 00:08:54,078
Everything is equal.
230
00:08:54,112 --> 00:08:55,847
Remember what I did for you
231
00:08:55,881 --> 00:08:57,581
so you could
go to dance school?
232
00:08:57,615 --> 00:08:59,350
I never went to dance school.
233
00:08:59,384 --> 00:09:02,119
You didn't?
234
00:09:02,154 --> 00:09:05,323
Then what happened after I
threw myself down the escalator?
235
00:09:05,357 --> 00:09:07,925
My summer trip to Europe.
236
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,294
B-but you still
shouldn't have done it.
237
00:09:10,329 --> 00:09:12,129
Of course I should have.
238
00:09:12,164 --> 00:09:13,965
Just don't act like
you didn't know.
239
00:09:13,999 --> 00:09:15,032
We didn't.
240
00:09:15,067 --> 00:09:16,367
Oh, you knew.
241
00:09:16,434 --> 00:09:19,170
Deep down inside, you all knew.
242
00:09:19,204 --> 00:09:21,538
You just didn't want
to admit it to yourselves.
243
00:09:21,573 --> 00:09:23,540
- I-I didn't know.
- Neither did I.
244
00:09:23,575 --> 00:09:25,609
I might have known.
245
00:09:25,643 --> 00:09:29,080
There was a butt load of accidents.
246
00:09:29,114 --> 00:09:30,948
You see?
247
00:09:31,016 --> 00:09:33,985
No one wants to know
how the sausages are made,
248
00:09:34,019 --> 00:09:36,220
but everybody likes a hot dog.
249
00:09:37,890 --> 00:09:40,324
I made the hot dogs,
and you all ate them
250
00:09:40,359 --> 00:09:42,326
with big smiles on your faces.
251
00:09:42,361 --> 00:09:46,097
And now you find there's a
little rat feces in the recipe,
252
00:09:46,164 --> 00:09:48,232
and I'm the bad guy?
253
00:09:48,267 --> 00:09:50,001
Screw you!
254
00:09:50,035 --> 00:09:53,037
Eat your rat turds
and be happy!
255
00:09:55,573 --> 00:09:56,941
Hey.
256
00:09:56,975 --> 00:09:58,042
How'd it go?
You pass the test?
257
00:09:58,076 --> 00:10:00,411
- I passed!
- Yeah!
258
00:10:00,445 --> 00:10:04,148
The doc said that
my vision was bitchin'.
259
00:10:04,216 --> 00:10:07,218
I'm celebrating with
the last of Ahmed's brownies.
260
00:10:08,153 --> 00:10:10,154
Oh, man.
You know something?
261
00:10:10,222 --> 00:10:12,123
This brownie
looks a little like
262
00:10:12,157 --> 00:10:15,960
academy award-winning
actor Morgan Freeman.
263
00:10:15,994 --> 00:10:17,328
"Mr. President,
264
00:10:17,362 --> 00:10:20,164
there's an asteroid
heading towards earth!"
265
00:10:20,198 --> 00:10:21,532
"Miss Daisy,
266
00:10:21,566 --> 00:10:24,668
I'm trying to drive you
to the store."
267
00:10:26,171 --> 00:10:28,139
This is hilarious.
268
00:10:28,173 --> 00:10:30,174
Hank, I've never
seen you like this.
269
00:10:30,208 --> 00:10:32,310
Well, I was just
so worked up about that eye thing.
270
00:10:32,344 --> 00:10:35,012
Now that it's over,
I can just chillax.
271
00:10:35,047 --> 00:10:37,315
All I got to do is pass
the drug test tomorrow,
272
00:10:37,382 --> 00:10:38,615
and I'm home free.
273
00:10:40,618 --> 00:10:42,486
You have to take a drug test?
274
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,555
Yeah, it's part of
the yearly physical.
275
00:10:44,589 --> 00:10:47,224
If you don't pass, you can
actually be put in jail.
276
00:10:47,259 --> 00:10:49,493
But I am super-chill.
277
00:10:50,762 --> 00:10:52,930
It's all good.
278
00:10:52,965 --> 00:10:55,132
Guys, you have to tell him.
279
00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:57,001
It'll still be
in his system tomorrow.
280
00:10:57,069 --> 00:10:58,436
Hank.
281
00:10:58,470 --> 00:11:01,005
You can't take
the drug test tomorrow.
282
00:11:01,039 --> 00:11:02,373
You're going to fail it.
283
00:11:02,407 --> 00:11:03,707
What? Why? How?
284
00:11:03,741 --> 00:11:05,709
You're actually
stoned right now.
285
00:11:05,743 --> 00:11:08,279
No, I'm not.
Quit bumming me out.
286
00:11:08,313 --> 00:11:11,949
Hank, you're high right now
on marijuana.
287
00:11:12,017 --> 00:11:13,317
We put pot in the
brownies we gave you
288
00:11:13,352 --> 00:11:15,219
so that you could
pass your eye exam.
289
00:11:15,253 --> 00:11:16,454
We were only trying to help.
290
00:11:16,488 --> 00:11:19,590
And also,
you're hilarious stoned.
291
00:11:19,624 --> 00:11:22,593
You guys got me stoned?
292
00:11:22,627 --> 00:11:25,963
That is so uncool.
293
00:11:25,998 --> 00:11:28,665
So, y-you're not mad?
294
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:32,103
Oh, I'm furious,
but I can't stop giggling.
295
00:11:33,171 --> 00:11:36,374
I only had three months left
to get my pension.
296
00:11:36,408 --> 00:11:39,410
Now I'm gonna lose my job.
297
00:11:39,444 --> 00:11:41,778
What have you done to me?
298
00:11:44,716 --> 00:11:48,719
Okay, one hour and counting
until I fail my drug test.
299
00:11:48,753 --> 00:11:50,988
Sorry, Hank.
We were just trying to help.
300
00:11:51,056 --> 00:11:53,257
By turning me into a pothead?
301
00:11:53,291 --> 00:11:54,525
Hank, check this out.
302
00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:56,394
I totally solved
your pot problem.
303
00:11:56,428 --> 00:11:58,762
What, now you're gonna get
me addicted to heroin?
304
00:11:58,796 --> 00:12:02,266
We're not gonna get you
addicted to heroin.
305
00:12:02,334 --> 00:12:04,101
But I could get you some.
306
00:12:04,169 --> 00:12:06,237
No, it's simple.
307
00:12:06,271 --> 00:12:08,372
When you get your drug test,
they're gonna test your pee.
308
00:12:08,407 --> 00:12:09,706
What if it's not your pee?
309
00:12:09,741 --> 00:12:12,076
Owen, they watch him
to make sure it is.
310
00:12:12,110 --> 00:12:13,710
Yeah, I figured that out, too.
311
00:12:13,745 --> 00:12:16,480
The wizz-for-you...
I invented it.
312
00:12:17,749 --> 00:12:19,517
- You invented that?
- Yeah.
313
00:12:19,551 --> 00:12:21,419
Sometimes I fool around with
underwear and plastic hoses,
314
00:12:21,486 --> 00:12:23,120
but that's not important
right now.
315
00:12:24,589 --> 00:12:27,058
It's actually quite simple.
It fits under your clothes.
316
00:12:27,092 --> 00:12:28,625
You fill the bag
with clean urine.
317
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,227
Then Hank straps this tube
to the end of his wiener.
318
00:12:30,262 --> 00:12:31,695
Hey!
319
00:12:31,729 --> 00:12:33,397
The only thing ever strapped
to the end of my wiener
320
00:12:33,432 --> 00:12:35,433
is my wife.
321
00:12:35,467 --> 00:12:37,034
No, it's perfect.
322
00:12:37,069 --> 00:12:38,635
All we need is a bag of urine
323
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:41,205
from someone we know
is absolutely drug-free.
324
00:12:42,374 --> 00:12:45,742
Well, there is
one person in the bar
325
00:12:45,777 --> 00:12:48,279
that's completely clean.
326
00:12:52,384 --> 00:12:54,552
Excuse me, father.
327
00:12:54,586 --> 00:12:56,353
Can we have some of your urine?
328
00:12:56,388 --> 00:12:58,755
Trust me, my son.
You don't want it.
329
00:13:00,792 --> 00:13:03,260
That's who I buy my weed from.
330
00:13:09,635 --> 00:13:10,969
Hey, Gary,
thanks so much for coming in.
331
00:13:11,003 --> 00:13:12,436
- I really appreciate it.
- Sure thing, Steve.
332
00:13:12,471 --> 00:13:13,905
Sorry I couldn't
get back to you sooner.
333
00:13:13,939 --> 00:13:16,608
I was taking a group of
depressed youths to tickle camp.
334
00:13:17,342 --> 00:13:21,312
We have to be very careful
about screening counselors.
335
00:13:21,346 --> 00:13:23,547
So, what can I do for you?
336
00:13:23,581 --> 00:13:25,716
Well, Gary, I talked to
my mom about the accident
337
00:13:25,750 --> 00:13:27,284
and it turns out you're right.
338
00:13:27,319 --> 00:13:29,052
She kind of
came out of nowhere.
339
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:32,155
So, the fair thing to do is
to give you your money back.
340
00:13:32,223 --> 00:13:33,190
Hey!
341
00:13:33,224 --> 00:13:35,392
Mom, you were right.
342
00:13:35,427 --> 00:13:37,160
We took all those things.
We turned a blind eye.
343
00:13:37,195 --> 00:13:40,096
But I wrote Gary a check
to make things right.
344
00:13:40,131 --> 00:13:42,466
Then why is he ripping it up?
345
00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:44,968
Uh, Gare?
Is there a problem?
346
00:13:45,002 --> 00:13:47,438
Actually, "Stee," there is.
347
00:13:47,472 --> 00:13:50,307
Something
didn't sit right with me
348
00:13:50,342 --> 00:13:51,642
about this whole incident,
349
00:13:51,676 --> 00:13:53,444
so I took the liberty
of going to the 7-Eleven
350
00:13:53,478 --> 00:13:55,412
on the corner
of Cedar and Bank,
351
00:13:55,447 --> 00:13:58,181
which happens to have a
closed-circuit surveillance system.
352
00:13:58,216 --> 00:14:01,985
In exchange for helping Rajiv
with the hot-dog spinner,
353
00:14:02,019 --> 00:14:03,687
he gave me a copy
of the videotape
354
00:14:03,755 --> 00:14:07,224
which captured
our whole "accident."
355
00:14:07,258 --> 00:14:09,292
Steve,
your mother is a sick woman.
356
00:14:09,327 --> 00:14:11,462
No argument here, Gary.
357
00:14:11,496 --> 00:14:15,131
Maybe...drink
drove her to this.
358
00:14:15,166 --> 00:14:16,567
Because secret drinking
359
00:14:16,601 --> 00:14:19,436
is a very serious epidemic
in this country,
360
00:14:19,471 --> 00:14:22,473
which is why I work with
alcoholics anonymous-anonymous.
361
00:14:22,540 --> 00:14:24,074
That's for people
362
00:14:24,108 --> 00:14:26,209
who are too ashamed
even to be anonymous.
363
00:14:26,244 --> 00:14:29,212
Steve, your mother's
a danger to society,
364
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,114
and that's why I'm turning
her in to the police.
365
00:14:31,148 --> 00:14:32,282
Steve.
366
00:14:32,316 --> 00:14:33,650
Gary, Gary. Wait.
Wait a minute.
367
00:14:34,686 --> 00:14:36,453
You're right.
368
00:14:36,488 --> 00:14:39,322
My mom threw
herself into your car.
369
00:14:39,357 --> 00:14:41,024
She's been doing this stuff for years.
370
00:14:41,058 --> 00:14:42,693
But before you
turn her in to the police,
371
00:14:42,727 --> 00:14:44,528
I think you should know
why she does it.
372
00:14:44,596 --> 00:14:47,197
It's to buy her family stuff.
373
00:14:47,231 --> 00:14:48,532
What do you mean?
374
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,133
Hockey camp,
a set of golf clubs,
375
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:51,568
a summer trip to Europe...
376
00:14:51,603 --> 00:14:53,270
Stuff we couldn't afford
otherwise.
377
00:14:53,337 --> 00:14:57,541
She got it all by
having her..."accidents."
378
00:14:57,575 --> 00:14:59,676
Your mother sacrificed her body
379
00:14:59,744 --> 00:15:01,678
to send you to hockey camp?
380
00:15:01,746 --> 00:15:04,180
Sick, huh?
381
00:15:04,215 --> 00:15:06,550
And...
382
00:15:06,584 --> 00:15:08,552
beautiful.
383
00:15:08,586 --> 00:15:10,353
Excuse me?
384
00:15:10,388 --> 00:15:13,290
That's how she says
"I love you," Steve.
385
00:15:13,324 --> 00:15:15,659
Do you know how my mother
said she loved me?
386
00:15:15,693 --> 00:15:16,693
How?
387
00:15:16,728 --> 00:15:18,495
"Get me another gin, fatso,
388
00:15:18,530 --> 00:15:20,397
and not so much ice this time."
389
00:15:20,432 --> 00:15:23,467
My mother never threw herself
in front of a car for me.
390
00:15:23,501 --> 00:15:25,469
She never did anything
for me at all.
391
00:15:25,503 --> 00:15:27,438
Not even eat some rat turds?
392
00:15:27,472 --> 00:15:29,840
I'm embarrassed to say no.
393
00:15:31,175 --> 00:15:33,209
She said that I would never
amount to anything, Steve...
394
00:15:33,277 --> 00:15:34,678
That I was nobody.
395
00:15:34,746 --> 00:15:37,347
And ever since then,
I've had a hole in my heart
396
00:15:37,381 --> 00:15:39,783
that I've been trying
to fill my entire life.
397
00:15:39,851 --> 00:15:42,319
At first,
I tried to fill it with food.
398
00:15:42,386 --> 00:15:45,722
At one time,
I weighed 475 pounds.
399
00:15:45,757 --> 00:15:49,326
Then, after the fire department
cut me out of my house
400
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:52,295
and I stapled my stomach,
I tried to fill it
401
00:15:52,330 --> 00:15:55,332
with gambling and alcohol,
tentacle porn.
402
00:15:56,868 --> 00:15:59,436
And you know what, Steve?
Here's a dirty little secret.
403
00:15:59,471 --> 00:16:02,673
Uh, tentacle porn
wasn't the dirty little secret?
404
00:16:02,707 --> 00:16:05,075
All the charity work
that I do...
405
00:16:05,109 --> 00:16:07,377
That's just me
trying to be somebody,
406
00:16:07,411 --> 00:16:11,247
me trying to prove to my mother
that little Gary matters,
407
00:16:11,282 --> 00:16:13,617
that I matter
to homeless people's pets
408
00:16:13,651 --> 00:16:16,152
or depressed youth
or people without eyebrows.
409
00:16:16,187 --> 00:16:17,521
People without eyebrows?
410
00:16:17,589 --> 00:16:20,156
Everybody deserves
to look surprised, Steve!
411
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,628
Wait, Gary.
412
00:16:24,696 --> 00:16:27,230
Let me give you something.
413
00:16:27,264 --> 00:16:30,233
It's an airline ticket to Korea.
414
00:16:30,267 --> 00:16:33,336
Trade this in and buy
a first-class ticket
415
00:16:33,371 --> 00:16:34,771
and go see your mother.
416
00:16:34,806 --> 00:16:37,641
Oh, I, uh...
I don't know if I could do that.
417
00:16:37,675 --> 00:16:41,144
When I was a little girl,
all my mother did
418
00:16:41,178 --> 00:16:44,280
was tell me how
I'd never amount to anything.
419
00:16:44,315 --> 00:16:46,817
I was going to use this ticket
420
00:16:46,851 --> 00:16:50,487
to show my mother
I made it big in America,
421
00:16:50,522 --> 00:16:53,356
tell her what a
horrible person she is.
422
00:16:53,391 --> 00:16:58,328
But I think you need to
abuse your mother more than me.
423
00:16:59,430 --> 00:17:02,633
We always think there's time
424
00:17:02,667 --> 00:17:04,535
to tell the people in our life
425
00:17:04,602 --> 00:17:06,202
how much we hate them.
426
00:17:08,172 --> 00:17:10,373
But, Gary, life is fleeting.
427
00:17:10,441 --> 00:17:11,808
Go to your mother.
428
00:17:11,843 --> 00:17:15,178
Tell her how much
you don't love her.
429
00:17:15,212 --> 00:17:20,316
Destroy however much
time she has left.
430
00:17:20,351 --> 00:17:23,854
This is the nicest thing
that anyone's ever done for me.
431
00:17:24,956 --> 00:17:27,290
If I could
do what you say, maybe...
432
00:17:27,324 --> 00:17:28,592
Maybe I could be happy.
433
00:17:28,626 --> 00:17:30,694
Maybe I could
fill myself up inside
434
00:17:30,728 --> 00:17:33,463
and finally quit all those
bullshit charities.
435
00:17:33,497 --> 00:17:35,666
Jesus, so depressing!
436
00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:38,435
I want that for you, Gary!
437
00:17:38,469 --> 00:17:40,938
Every time
I walk into this bar,
438
00:17:40,972 --> 00:17:43,506
I walk out a better man.
439
00:17:43,541 --> 00:17:44,841
So long, everybody!
440
00:17:44,909 --> 00:17:47,477
Bye, Gary!
441
00:17:49,213 --> 00:17:50,914
Well, despite
all the naysayers here,
442
00:17:50,949 --> 00:17:52,583
my invention worked.
443
00:17:52,617 --> 00:17:54,585
That's true, fellas.
444
00:17:54,619 --> 00:17:56,620
As of
this afternoon's drug test,
445
00:17:56,654 --> 00:17:58,521
I am still
an air-traffic controller.
446
00:17:58,590 --> 00:18:01,892
Unless you're planning to
get me hooked on crystal meth.
447
00:18:01,926 --> 00:18:05,596
We're not gonna get you
hooked on crystal meth.
448
00:18:05,630 --> 00:18:07,497
But I could get you some.
449
00:18:08,666 --> 00:18:10,667
- So, how'd you do it, Hank?
- Excuse me.
450
00:18:10,702 --> 00:18:12,502
I was the mastermind
behind this.
451
00:18:12,536 --> 00:18:14,738
I met Hank in an alley
behind the testing facility.
452
00:18:14,806 --> 00:18:17,407
I took off his pants and
helped him strap on the unit.
453
00:18:17,441 --> 00:18:19,375
To passersby,
it just looked like
454
00:18:19,410 --> 00:18:21,377
an innocent,
May-December romance.
455
00:18:21,412 --> 00:18:22,713
That's true.
456
00:18:22,747 --> 00:18:24,347
The prototype worked perfectly.
457
00:18:24,381 --> 00:18:26,917
It was filled to the brim
with spotlessly clean urine.
458
00:18:26,951 --> 00:18:29,019
Of course, there was
some slight leakage,
459
00:18:29,053 --> 00:18:30,654
but no one seemed to notice.
460
00:18:30,688 --> 00:18:33,023
Well, I'm a man
of a certain age.
461
00:18:33,057 --> 00:18:34,758
Oh, we are so proud of you.
462
00:18:34,792 --> 00:18:36,593
But whose urine
did you end up using?
463
00:18:36,628 --> 00:18:37,961
I realized I had to find
464
00:18:37,996 --> 00:18:39,963
someone in this bar
who completely missed
465
00:18:39,998 --> 00:18:43,433
the entire drug revolution
in this country.
466
00:18:58,219 --> 00:18:59,419
Got to say, honey,
467
00:18:59,453 --> 00:19:00,720
when you
gave that ticket to Gary,
468
00:19:00,754 --> 00:19:02,589
I was awfully proud of you.
469
00:19:02,623 --> 00:19:04,224
Thank you.
470
00:19:04,258 --> 00:19:06,426
You missed a chance to ruin
your mother's birthday.
471
00:19:06,460 --> 00:19:09,161
That's got to hurt.
472
00:19:09,196 --> 00:19:11,464
As long as some
mother somewhere
473
00:19:11,498 --> 00:19:13,566
is getting crap from somebody,
474
00:19:13,634 --> 00:19:16,802
my heart is full.
475
00:19:16,837 --> 00:19:19,472
Mom, I have something for you.
476
00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:21,374
Jason and I talked about it,
477
00:19:21,408 --> 00:19:23,509
and we decided to take
some of our savings
478
00:19:23,544 --> 00:19:26,679
and some of our Christmas
money and buy you this.
479
00:19:26,714 --> 00:19:29,181
A ticket to Korea?
480
00:19:29,216 --> 00:19:31,351
First-class ticket to Korea.
481
00:19:31,385 --> 00:19:32,985
Oh, Susan!
482
00:19:33,019 --> 00:19:35,455
Thank you so much.
483
00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:37,790
Just one condition.
484
00:19:37,824 --> 00:19:38,924
What?
485
00:19:38,992 --> 00:19:41,026
Say something nice about me.
486
00:19:43,731 --> 00:19:45,365
Uh-oh.
487
00:19:45,399 --> 00:19:47,600
What do you mean?
488
00:19:47,635 --> 00:19:48,901
Just one thing.
489
00:19:48,935 --> 00:19:51,304
Break the Korean
mother-daughter cycle.
490
00:19:51,372 --> 00:19:52,905
Say one nice thing about me.
491
00:19:52,939 --> 00:19:53,973
Can you?
492
00:19:54,007 --> 00:19:56,476
Of course I can.
493
00:19:56,510 --> 00:19:57,843
You're my daughter.
494
00:19:57,878 --> 00:19:59,445
Well, then, do it.
495
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,882
Then you can fly
first-class to Korea.
496
00:20:04,385 --> 00:20:06,919
I'm not comfortable with this.
497
00:20:06,953 --> 00:20:08,954
Wait!
Nobody move.
498
00:20:08,989 --> 00:20:11,791
She has to say something nice
about me in front of everyone.
499
00:20:11,825 --> 00:20:13,493
Honey, I don't think
she can do that.
500
00:20:13,527 --> 00:20:15,495
Of course I can, Jack.
501
00:20:15,529 --> 00:20:17,363
I'm her mother.
502
00:20:17,398 --> 00:20:19,899
I can say something nice.
503
00:20:22,770 --> 00:20:25,004
When you were a baby...
504
00:20:25,038 --> 00:20:26,372
Wait, no.
505
00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:31,911
There was a time
on your birthday that you...
506
00:20:31,945 --> 00:20:33,713
No.
507
00:20:35,416 --> 00:20:39,519
Your face, at a distance...
508
00:20:39,553 --> 00:20:40,853
No.
509
00:20:42,690 --> 00:20:44,290
Still waiting, mom.
510
00:20:44,325 --> 00:20:46,626
Okay. I got one.
511
00:20:46,660 --> 00:20:48,728
When you were 9,
512
00:20:48,796 --> 00:20:51,798
you wrote me the most beautiful
poem for my birthday,
513
00:20:51,832 --> 00:20:54,300
and every time I read it,
514
00:20:54,335 --> 00:20:56,502
it touched my heart.
515
00:20:56,537 --> 00:20:59,038
That was Steve.
516
00:20:59,039 --> 00:21:00,039
sync and corrections by bellows
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