Original subtitles

Look what they want for a ticket to Korea.

That's an outrage. Who could afford that?

Well, that's for first class.

If I can't fly first class, I'm not going.

Come on. Fly coach.

It's for you mom's birthday.

How often does a Korean woman turn 90?

Every 30 seconds.

The meaner they are, the longer they live.

Your father's right.

My mother is mean.

My whole life, she told me

I would never amount to anything,

that I was a nobody.

She criticized my looks, how I dressed.

She told me I was stupid.

She called me fat.

Can you believe a mother

would say that to her own daughter?

Rings a bell.

Don't interrupt me.

And don't wear blue.

You look like a big, fat bruise.

So, if I go, I'm going first class.

My mother's going to see me get off the plane

with all the amenities.

I'm going to say, "look at me.

"I made it. I'm somebody.

Happy Birthday, you old bitch."

Can I get a napkin, Steve?

Well, that is quite a stack of cookies

you got in front of you.

Don't judge me. I'm just stressed out.

My doctor gave me glaucoma.

A doctor can't give you glaucoma.

All I know is when I went in there,

I didn't have glaucoma.

But when I left, I had it.

Take this seriously, Hank.

Glaucoma is pressure on the eye.

You can go blind from it. I know.

I've got a physical coming up at work,

and if I fail the eye test, they'll can me.

For some reason, they think perfect eyesight's necessary

for an air-traffic controller.

Well, you do land planes.

Computers do it all.

We're just there so people

see shapes moving in the tower.

Hank, glaucoma is treatable.

There are eye drops for it.

But I can't do the drops because of my diabetes meds.

Then why are you eating that cookie?

Do you know how much sugar is in that?

How would I know? I can't see labels.

I have freaking glaucoma!

You know, Hank, there's another treatment for glaucoma...

Marijuana.

Forget it. I don't do drugs.

I take care of my body.

It's not a big deal.

I bet you Roy can get you some weed.

That's racist.

But I could get you some.

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

♪ Da da da da, da da da, da, da da ♪

♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪

♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da ♪

♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! ♪

Oh, my God. Mom, are you okay?

I'm fine.

I just need to sit down.

What happened?

I was crossing the street, and a car hit me.

Are you okay?

My leg just hurts.

Did you get the license plate?

I got all the info.

The driver's coming by.

Mom, we're going to the hospital.

I'm fine!

There's nothing that can't be fixed

with duct tape and a stick.

Well, that's what you said about my arm when I was 7.

That's why I throw like a girl.

Yeah, that's why.

So, when's your eye test?

This afternoon. I'm gonna fail it.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Why don't you just flirt with

the lady who gives you the eye test?

I give eye tests all the time at the DMV.

Just the other day,

I gave a blind man a driver's license

just because he complimented me on my body.

But he couldn't see it.

I let him feel it.

Ooh, brownies.

These aren't for you.

They're special brownies.

They have marijuana in them.

- What? - Yeah.

They're pot brownies for his glaucoma.

We're going to help Hank pass his test.

Hey, Hank.

I've got some killer brownies here.

You want one?

Ooh, I love brownies.

Mmm.

Oh, these taste like shit.

But they're still brownies, so give me another.

Hello, again, gang!

Hi, Gary.

That's him. That's the driver.

Sadly, I am.

I was at the helm of the vehicle

that caused the slight mishap.

Hello, Gary.

Hello, Melanie.

Remember last year?

This was my creepy neighbor

who stole my underwear from the laundry room.

Melanie, I'm proud to say

that's an addiction I have overcome.

I am six months panty sober!

So sorry, Mrs. Sullivan. I just didn't see you.

You just came out of nowhere

like one of those scary Korean water ghosts.

Is there anything that I can do?

I don't know.

My ankle hurts so much.

Perhaps I can put some cold hard cash on it.

Excuse me?

Insurance companies take so long.

Maybe we can settle this like neighbors?

Mrs. Sullivan, you're a grand lady.

Can't tell you how thrilled I am

to be able to handle this

outside the official channels, as it were.

I can't afford to lose my license.

I drive a mobile van

that grooms homeless people's dogs.

It's for their self-esteem

so when you see a stinking, disheveled person

with a beautifully groomed dog,

you say, "hey,

that could be Barbra Streisand."

And I do hope this covers your...

Your pain and suffering.

Oh, thank you.

Mom, are you sure? You haven't even seen a doctor.

I don't need a doctor.

I can already feel this money healing me.

Steve, your mother and I have come to an understanding,

I guess that's because I have the utmost respect

for her magnificent culture.

They gave us pasta, fireworks, some say algebra.

That's the Chinese.

Oh, my goodness. I'm so sorry.

I should have said "benihana."

So, I'm glad this is all cleared up.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am in the middle of a cleanse,

and I'm a little bit far from my apartment.

So long, gang!

Bye, Gary!

Yes!

Korea, here I come...

First class.

Hand me the laptop, Steve.

Mom, what's going on?

I just scammed that sucker.

Wait. You didn't really get hit?

Oh, I got hit.

You got to get hit, or the scam doesn't work.

What are you talking about?

I waited in the crosswalk for an expensive car to come,

and then I threw myself in front of it...

Rolled over the hood like Jackie Chan.

You could have been killed.

Do you realize how insane this is?

Oh, please.

I've been doing stuff like this for years.

It's time you knew.

That's how I raise extra money.

You have a little accident. They pay you off.

Next thing you know, you've got a flat-screen.

That's how we got the flat-screen?

It was "slippery floor" at Circuit City.

I-I don't know what to say.

Well, how about, "thank you"?

How do you think we could afford

to send you to hockey camp?

I put a piece of glass in a chicken nugget

and ate it.

You swallowed glass?

Going in was not the hard part.

What are you laughing at, Hank?

Where do I buy these clothes?

How you feeling, Hank?

So good.

Put her there, my brother.

You ever been to Dairy Queen

and seen that vanilla-chocolate swirl?

That's our hands together.

You and I are big Dairy Queens.

Mom, we need to talk to you.

I'm not giving the money back.

You have to. It's fraud.

I'm flying to Korea

in a fully reclinable seat.

I'm going to crush my mother's soul

with my first-class slippers.

Look, hon,

you might have been able to get away

with ingesting cleaning products when you were younger...

And thank you for the golf clubs, by the way...

But you're not 25 anymore.

You're going to hurt yourself.

Mom, give the money back.

I see.

When it's for me, I have to give the money back.

When it was for you,

I didn't see any of you complaining.

Like... Like for your braces.

You want to go back to being "Bucky Beaver Stever"?

Hey, mom, did you ever hurt yourself for me

so I could get something?

Oh, Susan, it's not a contest.

Everything is equal.

Remember what I did for you

so you could go to dance school?

I never went to dance school.

You didn't?

Then what happened after I threw myself down the escalator?

My summer trip to Europe.

B-but you still shouldn't have done it.

Of course I should have.

Just don't act like you didn't know.

We didn't.

Oh, you knew.

Deep down inside, you all knew.

You just didn't want to admit it to yourselves.

- I-I didn't know. - Neither did I.

I might have known.

There was a butt load of accidents.

You see?

No one wants to know how the sausages are made,

but everybody likes a hot dog.

I made the hot dogs, and you all ate them

with big smiles on your faces.

And now you find there's a little rat feces in the recipe,

and I'm the bad guy?

Screw you!

Eat your rat turds and be happy!

Hey.

How'd it go? You pass the test?

- I passed! - Yeah!

The doc said that my vision was bitchin'.

I'm celebrating with the last of Ahmed's brownies.

Oh, man. You know something?

This brownie looks a little like

academy award-winning actor Morgan Freeman.

"Mr. President,

there's an asteroid heading towards earth!"

"Miss Daisy,

I'm trying to drive you to the store."

This is hilarious.

Hank, I've never seen you like this.

Well, I was just so worked up about that eye thing.

Now that it's over, I can just chillax.

All I got to do is pass the drug test tomorrow,

and I'm home free.

You have to take a drug test?

Yeah, it's part of the yearly physical.

If you don't pass, you can actually be put in jail.

But I am super-chill.

It's all good.

Guys, you have to tell him.

It'll still be in his system tomorrow.

Hank.

You can't take the drug test tomorrow.

You're going to fail it.

What? Why? How?

You're actually stoned right now.

No, I'm not. Quit bumming me out.

Hank, you're high right now on marijuana.

We put pot in the brownies we gave you

so that you could pass your eye exam.

We were only trying to help.

And also, you're hilarious stoned.

You guys got me stoned?

That is so uncool.

So, y-you're not mad?

Oh, I'm furious, but I can't stop giggling.

I only had three months left to get my pension.

Now I'm gonna lose my job.

What have you done to me?

Okay, one hour and counting until I fail my drug test.

Sorry, Hank. We were just trying to help.

By turning me into a pothead?

Hank, check this out.

I totally solved your pot problem.

What, now you're gonna get me addicted to heroin?

We're not gonna get you addicted to heroin.

But I could get you some.

No, it's simple.

When you get your drug test, they're gonna test your pee.

What if it's not your pee?

Owen, they watch him to make sure it is.

Yeah, I figured that out, too.

The wizz-for-you... I invented it.

- You invented that? - Yeah.

Sometimes I fool around with underwear and plastic hoses,

but that's not important right now.

It's actually quite simple. It fits under your clothes.

You fill the bag with clean urine.

Then Hank straps this tube to the end of his wiener.

Hey!

The only thing ever strapped to the end of my wiener

is my wife.

No, it's perfect.

All we need is a bag of urine

from someone we know is absolutely drug-free.

Well, there is one person in the bar

that's completely clean.

Excuse me, father.

Can we have some of your urine?

Trust me, my son. You don't want it.

That's who I buy my weed from.

Hey, Gary, thanks so much for coming in.

- I really appreciate it. - Sure thing, Steve.

Sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner.

I was taking a group of depressed youths to tickle camp.

We have to be very careful about screening counselors.

So, what can I do for you?

Well, Gary, I talked to my mom about the accident

and it turns out you're right.

She kind of came out of nowhere.

So, the fair thing to do is to give you your money back.

Hey!

Mom, you were right.

We took all those things. We turned a blind eye.

But I wrote Gary a check to make things right.

Then why is he ripping it up?

Uh, Gare? Is there a problem?

Actually, "Stee," there is.

Something didn't sit right with me

about this whole incident,

so I took the liberty of going to the 7-Eleven

on the corner of Cedar and Bank,

which happens to have a closed-circuit surveillance system.

In exchange for helping Rajiv with the hot-dog spinner,

he gave me a copy of the videotape

which captured our whole "accident."

Steve, your mother is a sick woman.

No argument here, Gary.

Maybe...drink drove her to this.

Because secret drinking

is a very serious epidemic in this country,

which is why I work with alcoholics anonymous-anonymous.

That's for people

who are too ashamed even to be anonymous.

Steve, your mother's a danger to society,

and that's why I'm turning her in to the police.

Steve.

Gary, Gary. Wait. Wait a minute.

You're right.

My mom threw herself into your car.

She's been doing this stuff for years.

But before you turn her in to the police,

I think you should know why she does it.

It's to buy her family stuff.

What do you mean?

Hockey camp, a set of golf clubs,

a summer trip to Europe...

Stuff we couldn't afford otherwise.

She got it all by having her..."accidents."

Your mother sacrificed her body

to send you to hockey camp?

Sick, huh?

And...

beautiful.

Excuse me?

That's how she says "I love you," Steve.

Do you know how my mother said she loved me?

How?

"Get me another gin, fatso,

and not so much ice this time."

My mother never threw herself in front of a car for me.

She never did anything for me at all.

Not even eat some rat turds?

I'm embarrassed to say no.

She said that I would never amount to anything, Steve...

That I was nobody.

And ever since then, I've had a hole in my heart

that I've been trying to fill my entire life.

At first, I tried to fill it with food.

At one time, I weighed 475 pounds.

Then, after the fire department cut me out of my house

and I stapled my stomach, I tried to fill it

with gambling and alcohol, tentacle porn.

And you know what, Steve? Here's a dirty little secret.

Uh, tentacle porn wasn't the dirty little secret?

All the charity work that I do...

That's just me trying to be somebody,

me trying to prove to my mother that little Gary matters,

that I matter to homeless people's pets

or depressed youth or people without eyebrows.

People without eyebrows?

Everybody deserves to look surprised, Steve!

Wait, Gary.

Let me give you something.

It's an airline ticket to Korea.

Trade this in and buy a first-class ticket

and go see your mother.

Oh, I, uh... I don't know if I could do that.

When I was a little girl, all my mother did

was tell me how I'd never amount to anything.

I was going to use this ticket

to show my mother I made it big in America,

tell her what a horrible person she is.

But I think you need to abuse your mother more than me.

We always think there's time

to tell the people in our life

how much we hate them.

But, Gary, life is fleeting.

Go to your mother.

Tell her how much you don't love her.

Destroy however much time she has left.

This is the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me.

If I could do what you say, maybe...

Maybe I could be happy.

Maybe I could fill myself up inside

and finally quit all those bullshit charities.

Jesus, so depressing!

I want that for you, Gary!

Every time I walk into this bar,

I walk out a better man.

So long, everybody!

Bye, Gary!

Well, despite all the naysayers here,

my invention worked.

That's true, fellas.

As of this afternoon's drug test,

I am still an air-traffic controller.

Unless you're planning to get me hooked on crystal meth.

We're not gonna get you hooked on crystal meth.

But I could get you some.

- So, how'd you do it, Hank? - Excuse me.

I was the mastermind behind this.

I met Hank in an alley behind the testing facility.

I took off his pants and helped him strap on the unit.

To passersby, it just looked like

an innocent, May-December romance.

That's true.

The prototype worked perfectly.

It was filled to the brim with spotlessly clean urine.

Of course, there was some slight leakage,

but no one seemed to notice.

Well, I'm a man of a certain age.

Oh, we are so proud of you.

But whose urine did you end up using?

I realized I had to find

someone in this bar who completely missed

the entire drug revolution in this country.

Got to say, honey,

when you gave that ticket to Gary,

I was awfully proud of you.

Thank you.

You missed a chance to ruin your mother's birthday.

That's got to hurt.

As long as some mother somewhere

is getting crap from somebody,

my heart is full.

Mom, I have something for you.

Jason and I talked about it,

and we decided to take some of our savings

and some of our Christmas money and buy you this.

A ticket to Korea?

First-class ticket to Korea.

Oh, Susan!

Thank you so much.

Just one condition.

What?

Say something nice about me.

Uh-oh.

What do you mean?

Just one thing.

Break the Korean mother-daughter cycle.

Say one nice thing about me.

Can you?

Of course I can.

You're my daughter.

Well, then, do it.

Then you can fly first-class to Korea.

I'm not comfortable with this.

Wait! Nobody move.

She has to say something nice about me in front of everyone.

Honey, I don't think she can do that.

Of course I can, Jack.

I'm her mother.

I can say something nice.

When you were a baby...

Wait, no.

There was a time on your birthday that you...

No.

Your face, at a distance...

No.

Still waiting, mom.

Okay. I got one.

When you were 9,

you wrote me the most beautiful poem for my birthday,

and every time I read it,

it touched my heart.

That was Steve.

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com