Original subtitles

Guys, check it out. Mr. Ryan fell asleep again.

I bet you five bucks

you can't put this hat on his head without waking him up.

You're on.

I'll give you 20 bucks to put these sunglasses on his head.

Guys, guys!

Stop playing Mr. Potato head with Mr. Ryan.

He's an elderly man and our neighborhood councilman.

Mr. Ryan. Mr. Ryan!

He's dead.

My God. He's been there for, like, an hour.

All right. I'll call it in.

I'll give you 20 bucks to get my hat back.

All right.

Councilman Ryan, are you gonna finish your beer?

Owen, he's dead.

It's still polite to ask.

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

♪ Da da da da, da da da, da, da da ♪

♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪

♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da ♪

♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! ♪

Hey.

Why all the long faces?

- You know councilman Ryan? - Yeah.

He's dead.

Yes!

- Finally! - Come on, dad.

A little respect... He died right here at the bar.

Look. I'm not gonna pretend to be sad that the man is dead.

He stole that seat from my father,

and I've been waiting to take it back for 30 years!

He didn't steal it. He won it fair and square.

He showed up at the debate sober.

And who does that? Only a crook.

Say what you like, but I always found him to be

an honest politician... And very generous lover.

Of course, as he got old, his eyesight was very bad.

On our last date, I went to open a bottle of wine,

and came back to find him ravaging a throw pillow.

Which pillow?

The long one with the boats.

Yeah, that one was always begging for it.

What's going on?

Councilman Ryan died.

Finally, the bastard's dead!

- Are you going to run? - You know it, baby.

I promised my father I'd run for that seat

the minute it was open.

Good for you.

And the weird thing is he died right here at the bar.

Did he pay his tab?

Yes.

Then it's win-win.

So, dad, I just heard

Ryan's brother's running for the vacant seat.

Ah, I'm not worried about him.

What we should be worried about

is this campaign has a major liability.

- What? - That.

This card has been rejected.

You spend the money you don't have.

In fact, I do you a favor.

Not exactly a people person.

So, you see my problem.

I love your mother. She's a wonderful woman.

She just has to disappear for a while.

- You want to get rid of mom? - Here's the plan.

We tell her she's going to the supermarket, but she's not, see?

And then we put a bag over her head...

Dad, come on!

I need to win this, son. It's the Sullivan seat.

I'm telling you, mom knows what's up.

She really wants this for you. She'll be fine.

I'll talk to her and help her get better

at coming off... friendly and likeable.

Hey, mom.

I was thinking when dad makes his big announcement,

it would be nice if you would say a few words.

Oh, no.

Oh, it doesn't have to be much.

Just a few words of love and support.

You don't show love and support in public!

You might as well just ask me to take off my top

and shake my ta-tas.

Mom, it's for dad. It's no big deal.

All you have to say is,

"I'm Jack's wife, and I stand behind him."

Well, since it means so much to your father, I can do that.

Great.

Now, just relax and keep it casual.

I'm Jack's wife, and I stand behind him.

What are you doing with your hand?

I'm not doing anything.

Yes, you are. You're karate chopping.

Try it again. A little less Kim Jong-Il.

Jack, you have no idea

how commanding and powerful you look right now.

It's so sexy.

Oh, thank you, Carol.

Now, I know I don't know anything about politics,

and I'm just a gal with no experience,

but could I be your intern?

Carol, I don't think I need an intern.

Every powerful politician needs an intern...

Somebody to get you coffee, rub your shoulders.

And, of course, I'm happy to work around the clock.

What did you say?

"Clock." What did you hear?

Mom, pretend Hank here is a voter.

You're meeting him for the first time.

Try to connect. Pay him a compliment.

Your head is round.

Hey, she mentions the shape of my head,

and everybody's cool.

I mention the shape of her eyes,

and suddenly it's a whole thing.

Mom, try starting with "I like..."

I like how you hate immigrants.

They take all our jobs.

Okay, she's winning me back.

Vote Sullivan. Thank you.

Vote Sullivan. Thank you.

- Okay, mom. - Hmm?

This is Maryanne.

She's one of the swing voters

that could really help dad win.

Remember, we googled her

and went through her Facebook page?

Maryanne. Right.

Hi, Maryanne Lynn Brownell.

Your son Jason attends Oberlin College

and is a theater-arts major.

He does improv, and right now,

he is hating on all things Mumford & Sons.

Wow. You've done your homework.

Also, he recently came out as gay.

Maryanne, I have other voters to charm.

Hey, guys. Are you registered to vote?

Not really into politics.

Are you serious?

Local politics is the backbone of democracy.

You guys, it's actually more important

than national politics.

Wow. Now that you put it that way, Melanie...

Why do I even talk to you guys?

Can I register you guys to vote?

Yes. Sign us up.

I love how passionate you guys are

about the political process.

Well, I'm actually a little more passionate than him

on the account of I was born here.

Actually, so was I.

Never seen proof. He's on a lot of lists.

Well, I'll see you later.

We'll be here.

Participating in the process!

What are you doing? We can't both hit on the hot chick.

Only one way to solve this.

One, two, three! One, two, three!

There's no gun in rock, paper, scissors.

There is when there's a hot chick. Bang!

Hey, Steve. Do something. Your mother's near a child.

its head is round.

It's a baby.

You need to squeeze it.

Check one. Check one.

Hello, everyone, I hope you're getting to know

what a fabulous candidate Jack is.

But now it's time for

the entertainment portion of the evening.

Yow! Go, mom!

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday ♪

♪ Mr. Future Neighborhood Councilman ♪

♪ happy... ♪

Too hot! Too hot! Ow! Ow!

What are you guys doing?

We're registering to vote.

You two? Yes, Melanie. We do listen to you.

You know, guys, I'm part of an environmental group.

We...

This is serious.

Did you know that there's an island in the Indian ocean

that is literally sinking?

First of all, that's not a real ocean.

Second of all...

Why do I even bother?

Hey, guys.

Did you want to sign a petition about...

We'll sign. We'll sign.

It's about saving recycling in the neighborhood.

I'm in. This planet's the only one we've got.

Did you know that there's an island in the Indian ocean

that's literally sinking?

I do. And it keeps me up at night.

I'm actually going there to get involved.

I'm going, too.

My flight's Saturday. When's yours?

Friday.

I guess I care more.

You guys, you're incredible. You're so inspiring.

I wish I could just take your essence and drink it up.

I'm running because I want to make a difference.

I want to bring jobs and business to our neighborhood

and, most important, smiles.

How about planting flowers on the traffic meters down Main?

Sir, I say yes to you and yes to flowers.

And now, ladies an gentlemen,

I'd like you to meet some very important people...

My beautiful daughter, Susan...

And my wonderful son, Steve...

And, of course, my lovely wife, Ok Cha.

Thank you all very much coming. Bye.

I think that went very well.

Wait a minute. When do I go up?

Actually, honey, I was thinking

we could all take a trip to the supermarket.

You trying to get rid of me.

Just till the election is over.

- Why? - Because you're not helping.

What do you mean I'm not helping?!

I'm out there schmoozing it up.

Honey, people don't like you.

Dumb people don't like me.

Smart people like me because I tell the truth.

This is politics. Nobody wants to hear the truth.

Watch this.

Hello, fat Americans.

What is this nonsense about spending tax money on flowers?

If you want more business, you need to lower taxes

and not spend it on pretty things that die.

So, you think flowers are a bad idea?

Hey, when the government buys you flowers,

it means only one thing... they're about to screw you.

What about a recycling plan?

- I'm all for that. - Oh, big waste of time.

Plastic is good.

If the world's getting warmer, why did I wear a coat yesterday?

Why aren't you running?

Best question I heard all night.

Well, you got my vote.

Who am I to deny the people?

I will run for you.

I will fight for you.

I will not let the government rape you.

♪ ♪

Whoa, whoa.

Aren't you gonna recycle that?

No way. Recycling's a bunch of crap.

This could choke a dolphin.

Well, good. They're ruining my tuna.

Next to humans,

dolphins are the world's smartest creatures.

Then, why do they keep swimming into the nets?

Got you, hippie!

Listen, Jamaica. We've been talking.

All cards on the table, we both kind of like you,

and we're wondering... Do you kind of like one of us?

I don't want to decide. I like you both.

Oh, hey, Roy. Here's your "vote for Jack" t-shirt.

Actually, I'm voting for Ok Cha.

Really? Yeah.

I agree with her on the issues...

Small government, less taxes, more personal responsibility.

You're a tea-party guy? But you're black!

Yeah, thanks for that.

I was raised on a commune,

so I think love should be shared by as many people as possible.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. We totally know what you mean.

What do you mean?

What I'm saying is why don't the three of us make love?

Let me get this straight.

You want me, you, and him in bed together?

Yes.

I like everything but the him part.

Mom, I don't get it.

Why do you even want to be a councilman?

It's exactly the kind of job you hate.

It's all meetings and bureaucracy and...

Is that my middle-school-graduation suit?

Yeah. Looks nice, doesn't it?

A little small in the shoulders.

Mom, I just don't get why you want to do this.

Because I would make a better supreme leader.

Cut the crap, mom. You know this is dad's dream.

Oh, boo-hoo.

He wanted to put a bag over my head.

Oh, yeah. I know that supermarket trick.

I'm the one who taught him that.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I have to go deliver some harsh truths.

Sir.

One look tells me you're unemployed.

And of course, you have an iPhone.

Well, buddy, you got all your priorities screwed up.

Why don't you download an app

that cuts your hair and gives you a résumé?

Sir, right this way.

I have a t-shirt for you and some cookies.

Okay, fine. Go ahead. Vote for Jack.

He can't even get himself dressed without me.

That's not true!

Oh, yeah? What's your pant size?

I want to say... 30-something.

See? Useless.

He doesn't even know the name of our bank.

I do, too! It's the bank of...Uh...

Where the Walgreens used to be.

How can you expect to run the city

when you can't even run your own life?

It's better than trying to run everybody else's life!

You're like a dictator!

I am not a dictator! I am a people person!

Guys, guys, it's getting out of hand.

- She started it! - And I'm ending it!

Let's see how you like sleeping on the couch tonight.

Fine... Let's see how you like

sleeping all alone in a big, cold, empty bed.

Oh, I will! I'm sleeping diagonal, baby!

Diagonal.

What the hell, dad?!

I tried the couch, but it was killing my back.

So make up with mom and sleep in your own bed.

After what she did?

She knows how important this election is to me.

It's the Sullivan seat.

Speaking of which, if this happens again... pajama bottoms.

Here. I brought you some clean clothes...

And your toothbrush and a razor

and the body wash that makes you smell like a urinal mint.

Thank you.

No, don't thank me.

I just want my first lady to look good.

Wait a minute, mom.

No one's leaving this room until we figure this out.

- You're not running against dad. - Why not?

Because you're supposed to stand by my side and support me.

- You're supposed to let me. - I did!

Actually, dad...you didn't.

Well, she was turning off voters. You saw it.

Hey, I was being myself. I've always been this way.

But this is the first time in our whole marriage

that you were ashamed of me.

Even when I first came to America...

I was here for two weeks, I spoke 10 words of English,

and I didn't know where anything was,

and I didn't know how to run the tabs

or how to talk nicely to customers...

You weren't ashamed of me.

But you were last night.

Actually, talking nice to customers

is still an action item.

Oh, baby.

I've never been ashamed of you, never once.

And if I made you feel like that

because of this stupid election...

I'm gonna drop out.

You can take the Sullivan seat.

No. The Sullivan seat is yours.

Your father wanted you to have it.

If it hurts you, I don't want it.

If it hurts you, I don't want it.

Come here.

Guys!

That's my bed.

Well, it's about time it saw some action.

I've always wanted a threesome,

but with a different girl-to-guy ratio.

Me, too... Three girls, no guys.

But here's the real question.

How do we do this without touching each other?

How about I'm on top, you're on the bottom?

That's two men having sex.

Well, she'll be in between us.

Do you know how sex works?

I just don't want to see Owen's junk.

Then, you should wait in the other room!

And the returns are coming in for one of

the lowest-turnout elections in Pittsburgh municipal history.

Oh, damn. Was that today?

Hank, who did you vote for?

Uh, I kind of skipped.

I mean, it was raining, and I'm having a good hair day.

Are you guys nervous?

Nope. We don't care who wins.

No matter what happens, it's going to be a Sullivan seat.

And in Pittsburgh's 19th district,

a familiar name has won the open seat

created by councilman Ryan, who died tragically at 97.

You can't die tragically at 97.

That's known as a good run.

The new councilman is Bill Ryan,

councilman Ryan's brother.

His brother?!

That's right, ass-hats! I won!

You guys thought you had it all sewed up.

But it's still a Ryan seat, and it always will be.

Well, I'm sorry, dad.

I split the vote. It's my fault.

I'm sorry you lost.

Hey, I promised my father I'd run, and I kept my promise.

And as far as losing, I didn't lose...

Because I've got you.

And I've got my family.

And I'm surrounded by my friends.

And that guy Ryan, he died alone in a bar.

That's not the way I'm going to go.

No, you're going to die with me standing over you saying,

"hurry up. They need the bed."

What? That's a harsh truth.

Well, congratulations, councilman.

We'll have to get together.

How's your vision?

Pretty good, fella.

Hey. We're ready.

Yeah, we're totally down for this.

Oh. Guys, change of plans.

What?

You heard the lady, fellas! Scram!

Hank?

I guess opposites attract.

There's a lesson here, boys. Be honest and firm.

And thanks to this pill I just took,

I'm at least one of those.

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com