Original subtitles

The right hand.

The 'French Horn.'

It is often used ...

... by scoundrels.

When calling for a beer.

When calling for a beer in English ...

... it is used in combination ...

... with vulgar words referring to the special parts of an ox or bull.

Form a funnel with both hands, blow on the base, and ...

... the sound comes out.

The 'Vernacchio' ...

... or direct sound, ...

... is produced by the vibration of the tongue on the lips.

It is used when ...

... someone doesn't want to give the finger.

And this is often the mark of a coward.

The 'Vernacchia', ...

... or delicate one, ...

... it is used when ...

... you've developed a tension headache from staying out very late pressing wine ...

... seriously.

And finally, ...

... 'Just Look at the Hour.'

We need an exceptional circumstance for it.

Such as the presence of an Archbishop ...

... who has sent you a love letter.

It is made with the hands only ...

... so no one knows who did it.

SEX IN THE HEAD [aka ITALIAN SEX]

The candidate for degree, Diana Tornessi.

Let her in, Conigliero.

Please, Miss Tornessi.

Ladies and gentlemen, we all know the subject of this thesis.

- Go ahead... - In order to earn my degree in sociology, ...

... I chose as my subject ...

... the way Italian men treat prostitutes ...

... and prostitution in our major cities.

In order to study this subject, ...

... I lived as a prostitute for several weeks.

As you can see, my thesis is divided into the following chapters:

Getting started in prostitution.

Solicitation on the street and coitus in the car.

Solicitation and coitus in small hotels.

Solicitation in newspapers, working in a whore house, ...

... and from my own home.

So I worked as a hooker, ...

... as a prostitute, ...

... and a call girl.

I discovered many interesting things.

Different clients had different tastes ...

... and different requests depending on where they had coitus.

"My first client was a forty year old man.

"He was wearing a suit, had a nice car and asked me to get in with him.

"I told him: 'Five thousand'.

"Five thousand with..."

"He gave me salacious look and I got into the car.

"He took me to a deserted place,

"... parked the car and lit a cigarette.

"I wasn't worried.

"But he was nervous.

"So nervous that...

"... he ate a cheese sandwich."

That's what she wrote.

"He looked at me, took his penis out, ...

... and it was flacid."

That's on page three, Father.

A point.

Excuse me Miss, ...

... you meant penis as in a cock, right?

Because... as I'm from Puglia...

I may have misunderstood the word...

"I took off my panties, ...

"... and got in the back of the car.

"Meanwhile he was arousing himself.

"When he was ready, he penetrated me.

"He penetrated me.

"In two or three minutes he was finished.

"He paid me, ....

"He paid me and took me back home.

"I was pleased.

"My idea was quite simple...

"I would conduct the research, and produce a fully documented thesis."

Silence! Silence! No comments!

I beg your pardon Miss, but...

... did you really ...

... let's say... you touched him with your own hands ...

I mean, you personally carried out these experiments.

Tell us about the thesis, please.

I worked three months and had 200 sexual encounters.

Two hundred men?

No, sometimes they were the same men.

What do you mean?

I mean that I actually had 150 different men.

Some of them were previous clients.

Nevertheless, you had 200 sexual encounters!

There may have been more.

Let's not quibble about details.

During my free time I had to study and work on my thesis.

She was studying... please go on.

This was my first outing as a prostitute.

Swinging my handbag, I fit right in.

Excuse me ladies,

I'm doing interviews for the radio.

Would you agree to join a labor union?

We're not in Copenhagen! We work for ourselves!

Thank you.

What do you think about it?

I think that we should.

The prostitute needs protection today.

That doesn't mean I want a pimp.

Do you need a pimp?

- What did you say? - A pimp.

Thank you.

What problems do you think prostitutes face?

No comment.

And you?

Do you think you're on Teulada Road? Get lost!

Excuse me. If you joined a labor union, could you retire?

I already earn enough money renting out hotel rooms.

He's asking if you'll retire when you're old.

I've been working 30 years now! Don't bother me!

Especially tonight, since there are no clients!

You're right! Why is he bothering us?

- Redeem yourself brother! - I have no time. Thanks.

Redeem yourself sister! Redeem yourself sister!

Sister?! You're a eunuch!

Redeem yourself sister!

Redeem yourself sister!

Redeem yourself sister!

Five thousand.

They ask you how much, but they can't pay you.

That's typical of our men.

They look at each other and leave, ...

... going into the bushes to look at you.

Redeem yourself sister! Redeem yourself sister!

Come on girls!

Quick! Quick!

Take them all!

Get these whores into the van!

I wasn't looking for a client! I know my rights!

I'll tell you the rights! Now move!

In the van, quick!

You know, Mister President...

Yes, dear.

Sometimes it's not easy to find a man. Not all of you like prostitutes.

That's right, not all of us like...

If that happens, the prostitute is the one who chases the man.

How? What do you do it?

She makes him think it's an adventure.

Women know more than the Devil himself!

Women will always win against the Devil.

During my study, I met many prostitutes.

One day, just to satisfy my curiosity, one of them ...

... invited me to see how she chased men.

Here she comes!

- It's always the same! - She climbs these steps a lot!

Your package, Miss!

You dropped your package!

- Merci beaucoup! - You are welcome!

If you don't mind, I'll help you.

You are very kind!

Vous ete fran�ais!

Oui! Parigenne!

May I accompany you?

Merci!

She's good!

Vive la France!

What's the name of that monument?

It's called The Italian Culo [ass]!

What's a Culo?

You don't know? Why did you come to Italy?

Miss, allow me to sum up. You wrote that ...

... most of these clients were between 40 and 45 years of age.

Yes, young men are quite rare.

Luckily, young people are saved!

Father, we don't care about young people!

I mean... the crisis is between 40 and 45 years of age.

Miss, what about 40 year old men?

I acquired the clients of the girl who had lived in the flat into which I moved.

I gave her enough money to leave.

- This is how it is done. - Is it?

Let's go back to talk about 40 years old men.

Yes, let's return to that...

Usually they've come to Rome on business.

Yes, I know. They usually come from Turin, Milan...

Some are dealers, some business men.

One of my more interesting cases was ...

Look what happened to me!

Look what happened to me!

Nice! Elegant!

Functional!

There's even a toilet!

Luxury!

This cost you a lot, uh?

Well, if you want to be successful, you have to invest in the best.

Look what happened to me!

Trust your friends! He was my friend!

That son of a bitch!

I have to meet with that bastard! He's going to pay!

He'll pay! Did he forget we grew up together?

When we were kids, we were poor.

He was even poorer than me!

Who helped him become a member of parliament?

He asked for my vote! My mother's, my father's, my sister's!

My stupid wife's and her friends', who are even more stupid than her!

Did I do it for myself? I didn't do it for myself!

That's because I'm an industrialist, even if I live in a small village!

I own a factory! I don't need them! They need me!

Member of Parliament! I made him a big shot!

He made promises.

He told me... he told me: Epifanio... Open your legs.

He told me: When there's an election, give me your vote ...

.. and ask other people to vote for me. I'll make you rich!

Your village trusts you. I'll make sure you win the contract for the toilets.

An open-ended contract, for all the barracks.

They are a lot of them! Epifanio, you'll make the army go to the toilet!

He made me wait 4 hours this morning! Do you understand?

Then, when I had become angry enough, he sent his secretary to see me ...

... who told me he couldn't meet with me.

That's because he had to go to Montecitorio ....

... where he had a meeting about a commercial matter.

A matter... fuck his matters!

I don't matter? Am I not important too?

When I get back to my village, what will I tell my friends?

What will I tell the Mayor? That our Member of Parliament wouldn't see me?

What if they spit on me?

And what if they blame me for what I've done?

I have to meet him!

I brought everything. Everything I needed.

Look here! I have a sample.

A sample of the product from the factory.

Look at this! A urinal!

Everything was ready! All we need is a model, and we'll build a monument.

A marble monument with the title: Hero's Urine!

We do have to be discrete about how we portray the hero!

But the hero is a man! And a man has to piss!

Do you understand, this is important!

Look what happened to me!

Someone like me, who has no problem spending money.

Here's your tip!

I enjoyed it...

If I find him! If I find him...

Excuse me, I don't remember. Did I fuck you or not?

Because I'm so confused!

What a strange guy, uh?

- Insane! Insane! - Yes...

... like macaroni!

Let's say he's a man with problems in politics.

Conigliero!

I'm still here!

Conigliero, make them shut up before I get angry!

Damn you! You really want me to lose my job, don't you?

Who is that man?

What a wonderful man!

These are my empirical observations:

The average penis length in Italy is 6 inches, ...

... and 4 inches in circumference.

- The shortest penis I've seen was 2.5 inches long. - Poor man...

The biggest was 10 inches long.

The penis is bigger in Italy nowadays, uh?

I was talking about something else...

We always learn something new at the university, uh?

Miss, tell me, how could you be sure of the length of a client's penis?

I measured them.

Excuse me! I don't see the point in any of this!

What don't you understand?! I haven't understood anything either!

Conigliero! I don't need to hear from these idiots! Make them shut up!

Shut up!

- Bravo! - Thank you!

Please, Miss, continue with your report. Don't worry about them.

What else about your Italian clients caught your attention?

Well, there's one thing in particular.

It's about the taboos that most Italian men share.

Sexual taboos.

The pleasure of profaning all things sacred.

The pleasure of the outrage caused by the sacrilege.

You have something to tell us about it, isn't it?

Yes. It's about a nun.

- I object! - Don't start complaining, Father.

- Isn't a nun is one of God's creatures too? - That's not true!

Oh come on Father! Sometimes a nun is just a beautiful woman!

If this girl insists on going on like this, ...

... I'll leave the classroom!

Now that this is becoming interesting?

It's 1974, try to be more open minded!

It's impossible to be any more open minded than this, Mister President!

If you want to condemn the girl, do it later. I need to continue.

You're making this classroom like a... like a...

With your blessing Father, with your blessing.

Can we go on? Do you agree?

Please...

Damn, we're too late!

When will we get in there?

Look how many cars are ahead of us!

It's an endless line!

I counted them: There are 10 ahead of us!

I don't care if I have to wait.

It's the first time I'll get to fuck a nun, and I don't want to miss it!

Relax, I'm ahead of you!

There's another car load of men! Wow!

It's my turn, it's my turn!

- Go, go! - I want to try it too!

It was great!

Good evening, sister.

Who are you?

Haven't I met you somewhere?

I don't know... maybe in Church?

In Church.

Oh come on! Maybe in some brothel?

Come on, boy! There are a lot of people waiting outside!

Enough!

Listen to me! I want this wicked girl ...

... to tell me where this thing happened!

The name and the surname of that nun!

And the religious ordination she belonged to!

I will denounce her as well, in case she is reluctant to tell!

Father, you haven't understood.

I understood quite well.

The name!

- Mister President, - Yes, dear.

That woman wasn't a real nun.

She was a prostitute.

That's good to know.

A very good one.

She studied the issue,...

... and learned that Italian men love to profane sacred things.

Do you know how much she earned in three months?

How much?

12 million!

She wanted to take advantage of Italian men's weakness,

and she was successful for three months.

Then she was arrested.

And she become a cloistered nun.

All the newspapers talked about it.

You can go on, Miss.

The act of desecration takes on many forms.

Did you experience desecration?

I have some personal knowledge of it.

Please, desecrate, desecrate! That's why we're here!

I'm coming!

I'm coming!

Are you Lanfranco Ceccarelli?

I'm Lanfranco Ceccarelli! Come on in!

You're so beautiful!

Sister Olga told me, but I couldn't imagine you'd be like this!

- Let's go upstairs! - Yes.

You're so fine! Did you find the house easily?

- Yes. - I want to show you what I'll do to you!

Let's go upstairs! I prepared everything. I'm ready!

Come in. I've never had someone as beautiful as you are!

Let me look at you! You're perfect! Beautiful!

Tell me, why are you a prostitute?

You are not offended, are you?

I said prostitute without thinking.

Don't be upset with me, come on!

Don't worry, I'm used to it.

That's what I am.

You are kind, too!

Let's do a striptease to music!

Okay.

Why don't you get undressed?

You're in a hurry, eh?

I understand that.

But I'm a very clean guy.

I'm going to take a shower now, and wash my toy!

I'll go and wash everything. Then I'll be right back!

Let me find you all naked!

Be quick! I don't want to waste time!

Listen! Lanfranco?

What is it, dear?

Do you have anything to drink?

I have everything!

Look in the kitchen, in the fridge.

Can I go in there?

Of course! Help yourself!

What's wrong with you?

There... there's a corpse there!

Haven't you ever seen a corpse?

Yes, but she's in there!

She's dead among the flowers and candles!

How silly! All corpses are laid out with flowers and candles!

It's custom. If I knew you'd be so shocked, ...

... I'd have closed the door!

- I'm so sorry. - Who is she?

- That woman? - Yes.

It's my wife.

She died yesterday, poor woman.

- Your wife? - Yes.

You wanted to make love with your wife's corpse in the house?

So? What's wrong with it?

Who dies sleeps, and who remains behind lives!

Or so the poets say!

You are crazy! Help me!

Come here! Don't spoil everything!

You're crazy! With your wife's corpse...

I understand! You think I killed her!

You know what happened? She ate too much pasta ...

... and died of indigestion. I told her, don't eat so much!

She told me, I don't care, I don't care! See what happened?

I couldn't even kill a fly!

You know what people call me? Lanfranco the clean.

Because I'm the only clean one here.

Come here! Don't worry about the corpse!

If I don't care about her, why should you?

Oh God! A corpse! Help me!

Help me!

Bitch!

Even in death you ruin my life, eh?

Go to hell twice!

- Conigliero! - Yes! I'm here!

Conigliero, would we get our guests some armchairs ...

... so that they can sit at our table?

Thank you! That's very nice of you!

This is a classroom! We're conducting an oral exam here!

Fuck!

I apologize, my lady.

Stand back! Stand back!

No smoking in here!

Here! No smoking!

Sometimes a prostitute can help a family man, too.

That's a good thing.

One day I was called to go to a secretarial school.

What a nice ass! What a pretty woman!

Open up, and show me your breasts!

Turn around.

How beautiful. Please walk.

You're too ugly! Go away!

This is nice. You're a cute one!

Nice legs!

You again! Go away! I need beautiful women! Go away!

Oh yes, the case of the... of the...

The homosexual man.

Ah... the homosexual man.

That's what Mister Rossi thought.

Was he...?

Not him, his son, Father.

Father and son?

No, the son was gay. Father, can we go on?

Please go on.

The father was desperate because his son wasn't attracted to women.

That's how it seemed.

Come, come Miss! Come!

See? I employ only special secretaries.

But that's not enough. I need a serious professional like you.

My son Carletto is 23 years old, ...

... and all the boys his age have already had hundreds of experiences.

He hasn't had any!

How can you be so sure?

It's something a father feels.

I actually hit him to make him take a woman, look!

All I got was an injured my hand!

Come to the studio to see where Carletto works.

I suspect the furnishings were your idea.

Yes! Everything must remind him of sex. I selected these furnishings myself!

See? Nothing. Come on girls!

Jump on him! Attack him like an armed combat!

Use your knives, use your bombs!

Grab him! Hold him down!

His trousers! Get his trousers!

- Bad girls! - He ran away!

You write:

"I was able to cure the boy with trickery.

"I wore mens' clothing."

What inspired you to do that?

It was intuition more than an inspiration.

I had read something about it ...

... and remembered a colleague who had a similar case in the past.

So, you were wearing mens' clothes, ...

... with the girl... er, the boy...,

... and what... what happened? I don't see where this is going, Miss!

He could only do something with a woman wearing mens' clothes.

Well, usually these are the behavior of psycho...

Psychopaths.

Thank you.

But... thank you.

But you said that the... that this was factual...

- I said it was. - I see.

Come in! Come in!

I want a masculine woman! Put the hat on!

Good! Bravo!

The second one! Come in! Come in!

That's it...

She's quite manly! Take it, take it!

Smoke! Come on, smoke it!

Bravo! Go!

The boxing girl! Come on, punch me!

Go, go! Very good!

- Let's go! - She packs a punch! Let's go!

It wasn't my fault.

It was the father's.

He was too eager for his son's recovery.

He made all his secretaries wear mens' clothes.

Don't move!

I said don't move!

Yes, yes, yes!

I like this game!

Since then, Carletto has taken advantage of it.

He liked his father's idea so much, ...

... that after a few days he hired other secretaries for himself.

He ran wild! Yes, he ran wild!

His father should be happy now!

His son was cured!

- And from then on, he could enjoy... - The stone!

... sex in a normal way!

The stone!

- The stone, madam! - What about the stone?

The stone in your hand, madam!

You've been hitting my hand with it for some time!

I apologize.

Damn, she raised quite a bruise!

The son had completely recovered.

But his father was sick.

A few weeks later, his lawyer called me.

He was desperate.

He cried like a baby.

What happened?

What do you mean what happened?

I'm ruined! A desperate man!

My son has become a monster! Look!

Look what your idea has done to me!

Look what has happened to these two poor girls!

And they're not the only ones!

It looks like they got it in the end, Father!

Professor!

I feel sick!

I feel sick too!

I feel sick for those poor girls!

I apologize! If we have to listen, let's get on with it!

Can I get in? Is it true that a hooker is getting a degree?

Let me in, come on!

One of my colleagues is getting a degree! Let me in!

Are you feeling me up?

Quiet! Quiet!

Conigliero, make them shut up!

You're such an asshole!

Please continue, Miss.

As I said, anything can happen.

It's a job with a lot of variety.

Good evening.

Come in, quickly!

Did you just phone me a few minutes ago?

Yes, that was me.

I called you on the phone...

Come in.

- Me? - Yes...

Sorry!

You're so ugly!

That makes you laugh, to be called ugly?

No, I laugh because everybody thinks so. I'm not ugly, I just have character.

You mean me?

What are you looking at? Have I done something?

I'm looking at your large bulge!

Well, yes...

Tell me, would you like to do something?

You're quite an animal, Miss!

I'm to take that as a compliment, no?

Yes!

So, would you like to get down to business?

Bad boy!

But you'll have to be quick, I have another appointment.

Yes, sure! I'll be quick!

Then come on, quickly!

I apologize for touching you, Miss. I'll be quick.

All done!

I told you to be quick, but that was too quick!

I couldn't control myself, but if you don't mind, I'll try again.

Don't tell me you've already recovered...

Touch it if you don't believe me.

Are you a man or a wild baboon?

Do you think I'm a baboon?

I just thought I'd ask.

Do it...

Miss, I apologize for lying on top of you ....

... but I don't know any other way.

Just a moment. I don't mind making love with an ugly man like you, ...

... but do you have my money?

Otherwise I'll get quite angry!

Of course!

Are you sure?

Sure, it's in my jacket.

Okay, I trust you.

You shouldn't distrust me and say I'm ugly ...

... because I'm a really a nice guy and a gentleman.

- May I kiss you? - No.

Then I'll be quick.

Ah! I've conquered you again!

I've certainly never met anyone like you before.

I just can't control it. Should I try again?

No, have mercy!

It's late. I told you I have another appointment.

Now give me the money, young man!

Yes, sure!

Excuse me.

- You didn't forgot it, did you? - Of course not.

Here... this is for you.

Count it.

500.000 lire ?!

Yes... 500.000 lire!

Is this a joke?

Hey... is this money real?

I'm a gentleman, Miss. I would never play such a trick.

So this is all for me?

Of course... it's yours!

You're extraordinary!

And you're handsome!

Even the way you speak becomes you!

And so generous...

Where are you from?

From Avellino, Miss.

That's a coincidence! I'm from Avellino too!

My mother still lives there!

Yes, I know your mother. She's a good woman.

You know my mother?

Yes! When she heard I was going to Rome, ...

... she asked if I could give you this 500.000 lire ...

... because the mail service is on strike.

I said I would do it and she gave me your address.

I have to go now. You've been very nice to me, even though you didn't have to.

I'd have given you the money anyway, because I'm a gentleman.

A simple thank you would have been enough.

Have I got everything? I won't tell your mother about this.

Good evening.

Conigliero! Are we in a market-place?

Get out!

We'll wind up like Sweden. Don't you agree, Father?

Tell me something, Miss.

Did you have orgasms with your clients?

During the 200 sexual encounters, I had an orgasm three or four times.

I had them with my boyfriend.

In order to make 100.000 lire, ...

... you need to have a certain kind of client.

- You said 100.000? - Yes.

Did you hear that?

And we spend our lives working at a desk!

Why are you so angry? Do you think that we should all go to work as prostitutes?

We all have our jobs to do, no? Please continue...

We have to use our advantage, my dear Professor.

Men only want one thing.

Luckily, we women have it!

And you love it, eh?

Mine, too...

Please, ladies, that's evil...

I'll say what I want to!

Let's move on... what were you saying?

In order to earn this money, you need to call special agencies.

Phone calls...

Companies that pose as modeling agencies.

Or you can make appointments through the concierge at major hotels .

This is called "home service."

It's my wife!

I apologize if I'm back earlier, but the evening was very boring.

Is this your lover or a whore?

A whore.

They're always the best.

Good night.

Please, silence in the court!

Are you a ....

Sometimes I sent the clients away.

This happened when they were like others I'd already studied.

If the man seemed to be an interesting case, I admitted him to my home.

Oh my God!

You'll be the first of your kind that I've made love to for my study.

Aren't you happy to see me?

I just got out of the asylum, and I want to fuck you!

Come in and close the door.

What a nice house!

Come in!

I'm ready!

Beautiful! Beautiful! You're so very beautiful!

Beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful!

So, what are we going to do?

You're so beautiful!

You know, I have to tell you something.

I've never had a woman!

Don't tell me it's your first time with a woman!

And a beautiful one!

Why have you waited so long?

I was looking for someone like you! But I've never met one!

There were the nurses in the asylum, but I never saw them naked.

- Are you all better now? - Yes!

Then, come here.

No! No! I won't come!

Why?

Because you don't have a penis!

Where's my friend? The hooker.

She must be in Caracalla!

I'm sorry! I've been looking for her everywhere!

She's obviously a dimwit! What a mess!

Quiet! Now!

It's the stone!

That fucking stone again!

That was a good joke! [i.e. sesso=sex sasso=stone]

Men only know how to make crude jokes.

What do you want?

What does he want?

Hey, Rodolfo Valentino, are you from Castellaneta?

From Cerignola?

I'm a Venetian, from Chioggia.

Ah... just a jerk.

- Conigliero! - Yes, professor.

Are we on some kind of TV program? Are we going to dance the tango now?

Go on with the tango... with the exam!

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. This is the last time I'll say this!

This classroom is not a city square!

It's not a market-place!

It's not a sports stadium!

During this girl's examination, ...

... if this thesis is interrupted again, ...

... I personally will make an example of him, take him by the neck, ...

... and kick his ass!

My apologies ladies, I didn't mean to say ass, but bottom.

- Conigliero! - Coming! I'm here now...

- Close the door! - I just closed it, Professor.

I don't care, close it again!

I'm usually nice, but when I get angry...

Please...

Home service sometimes begins with couples, but ends with groups.

You mean... an orgy!

We don't use the word orgy anymore.

Really?

It has a bad connotation.

It's only used by common people to malign the sexual activities of the wealthy.

The upper classes have moved on.

They use modern terms, sometimes ones they've made up.

For example, getting it on, ...

... group love, ...

... having a party, ...

... making a big, tangled pile, ...

... in which I was once injured ...

You should have been on top!

These are peculiar words.

Proceed, Miss. Tell us the tale of Lucio, the homosexual at the hotel.

Excuse me, where's the toilet?

Toilet? We call it the restroom!

You can't get lost in Italy. It's always straight ahead on the right.

- Go and take care of everything! - Thank you!

Same to you.

Well!

So Lucio, you're still single, aren't you?

Yes, Madam.

You're looking for another young boy.

Unfortunately.

You're such a bad boy!

Yes! But Cesarino was nice and good!

- So nice! - Why did you break up with him?

Well, in strictest confidence, Madam, ...

... Cesarino was sterile. He couldn't have children.

- Lucio! - I'm right here!

Bravo, Lucio! Everything must be ready in ten minutes.

And bring champagne to my room!

As usual, your honor!

All I need is here, in my suitcase!

It's just a large hand bag, your honor.

They make everything smaller nowadays, eh?

I carry my suitcase for my...

- ... extra-parliamentary adventures! - Good!

I'm so excited today!

My room, my key? What's the number?

Always the same room: 223.

Bravo! You have a good memory!

And if someone calls, I'm not available?

Of course.

- I'm in Tokyo. - Where?

- In Tokyo! - Tokyo...

You can call it Tokyo.

- How much? - 1.000 lire.

- Thank you, Miss. - You're welcome.

What kind of man is he?

He's a Member of the Parliament.

And he has the best room in the hotel.

He gives great tips. So behave yourself accordingly!

And don't forget about me.

- What's his room number? - 223.

Eau de parfum!

It's always good to use some perfume!

I'm coming!

You look gorgeous!

I'm coming!

Who are you? Botticelli's Venus?

Please, come in.

Wonderful! Just wonderful!

Beautiful!

Divine!

- Thank you, your honor. - No!

Don't call me "your honor".

Call me Totuccio.

In my bedroom you may call me Totuccio!

It's one of my pet names!

What would you like to do, Totuccio?

What would I like to do? What kind of question is that?

What would I like to do?

Everything!

Let me look at you!

Perfect!

By my grandmother, the Senator was right in telling me to call you!

When I see a woman like you...

... I regret my 50 years of marriage!

- 50 years?! - Yes!

Two wives.

I tell you in confidence, I destroyed the first one with love!

She died in bed.

And the second one?

I keep the second on a strict diet!

Four times per year: Autumn, Winter, Spring and Summer!

And only on odd days.

Does she understand?

I don't care if she understands! I just don't give it to her!

Austerity!

It's my kidneys!

Thank you!

- Is she jealous, Totuccio? - She threatens me with murder!

And yes, she thinks I cheat on her.

But I've always cheated on her!

Ever since we got married.

Everybody calls me 'The Cheater'!

That crazy...

Ah, the bitch from room 220!

How cute!

For you!

- And for you! - Thank you!

May I?

One and two!

Come in!

- Greetings, your honor! - Ciao!

It's Lucio.

Just like Lucio!

Bravo! Good! Great! Lucio is fantastic!

Let's see what you brought.

Don Gesualdo of 1919?!

Italian champagne!

That's what we need!

- Uncork it, my young friend! - Yes!

Take off your clothes and get into bed!

I'll bring you the nectar of the gods!

But what about him?

Don't pay attention to him! He's like your sister!

Thank you, your honor!

He doesn't care about women's bodies!

I get sick looking at them! They're like an alien species to me!

So I don't attract you?

It's true. I'm gay, Miss.

How do you know?

Well... I sleep with men!

- Good morning Madame. - I'm Director Angeletti's wife.

- What's his room? - 223.

- Thank you! - You're welcome!

Madame! Madame, where are you going?

Excuse me, my lady!

- Call the Director! - Yes!

Madame!

It must be the Senator asking about you!

Hello? Who's speaking?

What?

Who?!

My wife!

Oh no!

My wife's supposed to think I'm in Tokyo!

Idiot! She's coming here?

Oh God!

Stop her, you fool!

This is insane!

I'm ruined! Finished!

How did it happen?

The stupid bellboy told my wife I'm in room 223!

What an asshole!

What are we going to do?

What are you going to do?

What would you like to do?

What are we going to do? What are we going to do?

I don't know!

- Madame! Please, madame!

- Where is he? - There must be some mistake!

Lucio, quick! I'm sorry, dear.

Madame, you have to believe me. Your husband is in Tokyo!

Liar!

Your honor, it's impossible!

- Why? - She's coming!

Oh God! I'm ruined! She'll tell everything in the Parliament!

Let go of me, pimp!

- Madame please! - Let go or I'll break my umbrella over your head!

- Let's pretend nothing happened. - Okay.

Aha! There's room 223!

He won't escape this time!

It would have been better if he'd gone to Tokyo!

Open, cheater!

It's the peasant woman!

We're trapped, Lucio!

- It's the end of everything. - Why don't you escape out the window, your honor?

If I was brave enough, I'd do it!

Open up, coward! I know you're in there!

Fucking Member of Parliament!

Wait! What if I hide in the wardrobe?

If your wife doesn't see you, she'll search for you!

Hey! What if Lucio pretends he's your wife...

- Right! - ... I mean, your husband!

No, your honor... it's no time for jokes!

Open or I'll break it down!

Quick Lucio! Get undressed!

You're not my kind of man, and your wife is behind that door!

If she sees us, she'll kill us!

You're the only one who can save me!

I know you're in there! I know it!

Don't insist! Not for a million!

Ask for anything you want!

Anything at all?

Yes! Anything at all!

I want to marry Ignazio, the night concierge.

All right! I'll write a new law, and put it up for a vote!

We can get married in Sweden!

I'll get in the wardrobe! Don't open the door!

I'll marry Ignazio! I'll marry Ignazio!

Luckily, my trousseau is all prepared!

Let's go!

I'm very angry, Member of Parliament!

- God forgives, I don't! - What do you want, madame? No one is here!

- Where's Totuccio? - Totuccio? Is that your dog?

No! He's an asshole and if I find him, I'll kill him!

That will be difficult, Madame.

You think so?

Yes! I've never seen anyone kill an asshole!

- Have you, my dear? - Never!

Who are you?

- Me? - Why are you here at 223?

I'm 223's husband!

Lucio, I'm fed up with her. Send her away and come to bed!

You heard her? You'll have to leave! I have to finish what you interrupted!

So you're Lucio, eh?

Yes... you don't like my name?

A nice name!

I was told that the waiter who brought the champagne had the same name!

Really? What a coincidence!

Coincidence! I can see there's champagne here too!

Oh... another coincidence!

- Would you care for a glass? - I'd love to!

Are we the only ones who are celebrating?

I think someone is missing here!

Madame stop with this drama!

- Lucio? - Yes?

For the very last time, send her away!

- Yes. - Quick, send her away!

You heard my wife? I'm afraid I must get rude now!

Open that wardrobe and let my fucking husband out!

Madame, I told you no one else is here!

I count till 3, then I shoot!

- One! Two! - Not my balls!

Open up, Lucio! My wife will do anything. I know she means it!

A ghost!

Come out!

Now repeat: "I'm a bastard!"

I'm a bastard!

Get over there!

Get into the bed!

No, Madame! It's impossible!

Why? Aren't you husband and wife? Consummate, quick!

I can't! I have a physical problem.

Consummate... now!

I'm virgin!

Consummate!

Look, cheater! Your lover is cheating on you!

Get your hands down!

You're doing it!

Of course, otherwise she'll shoot us!

Then you are not gay!

Don't be silly! Of course not!

Why do you pretend then?

Because if I pretend to be gay, everyone asks me if I've ever slept with a woman.

And I say I haven't.

Then they ask me to try... and I agree.

- Are you finished? - Be patient. As you know, Madame ...

... I've never done it with a gun or a woman.

Just a moment...

One second... one second...

Another second... and I'll come!

Yes... I came!

- I came. - Me too!

All right then. I'll get dressed and we can leave.

Take my clothes off!

Here? In front of strangers?

I told you to get me undressed! Don't make me repeat things!

You're crazy!

Yes, I'm totally insane!

Now get me undressed!

All right, all right!

See what I have to do! Calm down, calm down!

Wife, please...

This thing... how do I get it off? Help me with the fasteners!

Calm down, calm down!

You, woman! Get up!

Get up!

What do you want me to do?

Lucio, you get up too!

- Go! - Yes.. of course!

You stay there, Miss. But Lucio remains in the bed!

Yes, stay in the bed! And we'll leave!

No! You don't understand!

You all have to stay here!

What are we going to do? Group sex?

And you, young man...

- What are you doing? - Young man!

- Fuck me! - That not possible, Madame!

Oh God!

He's fucking her for sure! I can see!

Come on, come on!

But he's gay!

You're humiliating him!

Tell her, Lucio!

Yes, you heard your husband, Madame?

I'm gay!

If all gays are like you...

He's really good, eh?

He's not faking it, your honor!

What do you mean?

I mean that he's making you a cuckold!

Lucio! Are you pretending or are you fucking?

I don't know... is this how it's done?

Of course it is!

Lucio, try to remember what you are!

Yes, yes...

Are you still doing it?

- I don't know... I don't know. - That's impossible!

I feel a strange force...

A force that's working a miracle!

A miracle, uh?

Get off that horse!

I must apologize, Madame. I have to go now.

No! Keep going, my young stud!

I'm afraid I can't stop now, your honor.

Go on, don't stop! You're doing so well! More!

You see? I can't stop! I mustn't stop!

What a day! It's like being in a stable with the horses!

Hello?

Yes!

Yes, I ordered room service.

What do you mean, who serviced the room?

The one who's doing a great job servicing my wife!

Quiet!

Quiet!

That's Diana, one of my friends!

I taught her ...

... in a fine college!

Quiet!

She said, "quiet"!

Yes, do it! So we can continue!

Go on then!

So, Miss, continue!

This chapter is dated only few days ago.

The one about the... the Mafioso in love.

"In love" is actually his name. He is called Frank Innamorato.

- The killer?! - Yes, that's him.

- You know that terrible criminal? - Yes.

Don't tell me that you... with him too?

What do you mean when you say you know him?

In the biblical sense?

One day I was called for a home service.

I said that I couldn't go out that night.

Actually I was going to meet my fianc�, whom I hadn't seen for a long time.

The man who called didn't care about my problems, and told me to be on time.

He told me to wear a black dress, and to be a blond.

He wanted someone who looked like Jean Harlow.

I tried to tell him again that I couldn't go that night, ...

... but he wouldn't listen, and hung up.

I was curious, and decided to go.

We've arrived, blondie! Get out!

Get out... quickly!

Are you still in the car?

You don't know who's waiting for you!

- Hey, wait a minute! - This is your night!

You'll have a wild night!

- Have the guys arrived? - They're all inside.

Come on, move! Let's not waste time!

Hey, guys! Hey, guys!

We've arrived!

Armando? Come here!

Carmelo?

Don't make me drag you!

Ciccio, come here!

Let go of my arm, I'll have bruises tomorrow!

- Am I scaring you? - Yes.

- Do you know who I am? - Yes.

- Do you know my name? - Frank Innamorato.

- Do you know what people call me? - The woman beater.

- Why is that? - I can only imagine!

Now you know why.

Let's go.

- Frank! - What?

Don't hurt me too badly. I beg you!

Listen to me, girl!

When I run wild, even God can't stop me!

I can't help it. I can't do anything to change it.

It's the same when I shoot.

A gun in my hands becomes an atomic bomb!

Once you climb that staircase, ...

... I can't promise you'll return home.

So... what would you like to do?

Let's go.

Have fun!

No! Give me your foot!

- This one? - It doesn't matter which one.

Nothing! Damn!

- It seemed like it was good... - It was false alarm.

Harder.

Harder!

Judas!

Poor Frank! It's terrible!

It's the biggest injustice in the world!

There's nothing you can do.

I've spent millions on doctors, scientists, miracle cures... but nothing!

I even spoke with a snake charmer.

Why do people call you a woman-beater?

Money. Money!

I bought my reputation, okay? I paid for it!

Do you understand? I paid for it!

I'm losing everything... damn!

What are you laughing at?

Fuck? No, nothing...

That poor girl.

She doesn't know what it will happen to her!

Frank Innamorato is a psycho case!

He needs a woman every day.

Can you imagine us alone with him in the desert?

We'd have to sacrifice ourselves.

I can't have fun without letting all the organization know about it!

They believe it!

They call me the fucking machine.

Instead...

Diana, you have to help me.

- What can I do? - If they find out, I'll be ruined!

They'll put a bomb up my ass!

- Help me! - How?

Let's pretend.

I'll pretend I'm hitting you, and you scream loudly.

Okay.

I've done this with all the other women.

- Are you ready? - Yes, sure!

Louder!

- Help me... - Help me!

- Don't kill me... - Don't kill me! Don't kill me!

What sweet music!

He's just like his father, eh?

What do you want me to say...

I love you!

You're killing me!

I love it!

- What did you say? - You make me hot!

You make me hot!

You're so handsome!

You're such a man!

So masculine!

You're a man!

A man!

Here he comes.

Here you go.

Four times in one night.

She was insatiable.

Worse than that tall woman you brought me yesterday.

Take her home.

Give her a thousand.

Come on, guys.

Please... continue.

Another way for beautiful prostitutes to earn money is ...

... posing for sex comics, ...

... making hardcore photos, ...

... and in pornographic films.

In order to know about them, I tried them all.

Bring the girls onto the set!

Quickly, quickly!

You're too fat! You eat too much pasta!

I've worked out some great positions for the two of you, ....

... very erotic ones. Let's see...

You!

You Italians are so excitable!

Let's go.

We have work to do!

Get the young man ready.

Undress him.

This one's nice! Yes...

That's it, don't move.

This was the "Alien" position.

It allowed the partners to read, ...

... to eat, ...

... or watch TV.

I can recommend it for TV shows and comedies.

The "Burn Baby, Burn" position.

It's sometimes used with a sister or brother in law, ...

... or with an aunt and her nephew.

This is the "Thank You for a Hot December" position.

Breathe slowly, and hold the breath in. It's better if it's hot.

Stretch your tendons and wait until they move.

If you can do it, it's very good.

It is used mainly in southern Italy.

This is the "Chair" position.

It has an ancient origin, before the invention of the chair itself.

Before its invention, women ...

... solved the problem of sitting ...

... in this ingenious way.

It's the favorite position among feminists.

This is the "Classic" position.

It is also known as the "Wedding" position.

It is rarely used nowadays.

Young people in particular don't like it.

We don't know why.

There's an investigation to learn why.

Great! Fabulous!

This position requires strong muscles.

It is suitable for wrestlers and porters, ...

... but not suitable for intellectuals.

Return the woman to her usual position when her color becomes abnormal, ...

... or when there's a little blood coming from her nose.

Quiet! No applause!

Quiet!

Am I speaking Chinese?!

Don't make fun of me! Quiet!

Quiet!

When you write an ad, sometimes women will answer too.

They are not always lesbians.

Sometimes they are frigid and would like to find out if they're lesbians.

She looked at everything, ...

... she touched my bed.

Immodestly, I showed her my breasts.

Have courage, I tell her. Taste this poison.

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa!

My kiss didn't help that much.

She was disgusted, but she tried again.

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa!

She hesitated.

She turned back, she looked at me... and she stopped.

She was searching for something.

She paid me.

And she left.

I immediately wrote in my notebook that heterosexuals are usually better.

Whip my ass!

This is Tarzan. But that's another story.

When did you make the appointment for?

Is he late? It's for 6 pm.

I still have a few minutes, then.

Do you know him? Is he usually on time?

Yes. Here he comes now!

He's right on time, like an American bomber!

Excellency!

You!

Papa?!

You?!

I'm so disgusted!

Papa...

I can't believe it!

Then it's true that you're a hooker!

Then it's true that you're a prostitute!

- Papa, I... - Don't ever call me that again!

You're disgusting!

You're a filthy hooker!

I can't understand why you've done this.

- Why? - Poor man...

- What did I ever deny you? - Poor man...

I sent you to study at the best schools.

I made sure you traveled around the world.

I was always there for you...

Where are you now?

In a whore-house...

A brothel! A brothel!

- With that whoring pimp! - He's right...

Don't deny it! She's a whore, too!

You bitch!

Diana... Diana...

Did I hurt you, Diana?

My dearest! Oh, Diana...

You've caused me so much suffering.

My God... her family is ruined!

I only wanted the best for you.

You were my little girl. I adored you... I do adore you!

But now...

Papa, forgive me! I'm still your little girl!

- Really? - Yes!

Tell your papa, was it a man who brought you here?

- Yes? - Yes!

So... you need a man!

You need sex!

Undress! Lie down!

- No papa! - I'll show you who's a man!

I'll show you!

Me! I'm a man! Now lie down!

Close that door, you bitch!

You're a whore, too!

Now you'll see who's a man!

Did you enjoy it?

It was great! Fantastic!

Then I hope you'll show how pleased you are.

Of course.

Is 100.000 good for you?

But next time I'd like to be rougher.

For example, when I hit you!

Like that. Maybe I'll change everything next time.

How?

I'd like... perhaps if I was younger...

I'd like to pretend to be your brother...

Brother and sister...

You're a naughty boy!

Just a little... yes.

Bye.

Have a good day!

See you next Tuesday!

- At 6pm, just like an American bomber! - Yes!

- Bye! - Bye...

Still...

What do your parents, friends and so forth, think about your thesis?

My father is in Africa.

My mother was enthusiastic, ...

... but I don't think she really understood what I was doing.

Some of my friends were scandalized, and others were simply curious.

Most people approved.

Your... as you referred to him... fianc�... what does he think?

He agreed from the very beginning.

- Very modern? - No... a cuckold!

Ah... that's fair.

We'll get married as soon as I receive my diploma.

In the town hall!

I have gained a deep understanding of sexual problems.

Which I believe will make me a better wife.

Yeah, sure...

When you have sex for money, you don't care about sex at all.

In our society, sex is still a mystery.

An unsolved mystery.

And that is not a good thing.

Don't think that being a prostitute is easy.

You have to be good at it!

There are thousand things to learn to do it well.

And you have to take care of your health, ...

... because it's an extremely tiring job.

Even if you're lying on your back.

Of course you have be careful about diseases.

It takes several months to become a good prostitute.

You need to develop sensitivity, ...

... to be aware of people's needs.

It's important to develop good sexual techniques, ...

... a reverance for sex, ...

... as well as medical qualifications.

So, no matter where I go from here, I can always use the secret skills that I've learned.

Isn't that so?

"Let's clap our hands on her bottom.

Let's throw her many flowers.

Let's sing all together

she's cute, she's cute!

Let's touch her pussy! Hooray for the Professor!

Three roosters on the table

were having sex with doctor's daughter,

but the doctor's daughter was having sex with the Professor,

while the other teacher was with the doctor.

Four legs on the table,

the teacher has a nice ass,

I touch her breast, nice hard tits!

She has a pretty face and a cute little ass!

The girl is on the table.

I tell the teacher, go to Hell.

And there is progress,

we're having orgies in the classroom!

Eight legs on the table,

the teacher has a nice ass,

I touch her breast, nice hard tits!

She has a pretty face and a cute little ass!

20 books on the table, listen to this:

Talking about the students' life,

they make funny jokes!

Ten legs on the table,

the teacher has a nice ass,

I touch her breast, nice hard tits!

She has a pretty face and a cute little ass!"