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1 Rise and shine, Cassidy!

It's breakfast time.

Jody!

Jesse?

Hmm.

Babe, I need to ask you somethin'.

Hmm?

It's about your Gran'ma.

That's twice he's gotten outta there.

What do you think?

I think someone got an ass-kickin' comin'.

I don't know what all the whats and whys

or, you know, what the rules are around here.

Whats and whys?

I mean, look, she's an old lady.

I mean, she's a bitch, but she's an old lady,

and she's family,

so I get that it wouldn't be, like, easy for you.

What wouldn't?

But she's a bad bitch,

and we got stuff to do out there in the world.

Cassidy got out, and now it's our turn.

God's not gonna kick his own ass.

What exactly is the question?

My question is...

if it breaks the spell

and gets us the hell out of here...

why don't we just kill her?

Tulip, my Gran...

- What is that? - Jody and T.C.

Probably found out about Cass.

You up for a fist fight?

What're we waitin' for?

Hair remover.

Found-object bathroom weaponry.

I don't get it.

Little girl got a big gun.

Let him go, or I'll show you how it works.

Drop it.

You first.

Go on.

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Your Majesty.

First, the greeting.

Blessings upon you!

And you, Messiah.

Very good, my Lord.

Now... the kiss.

Oh.

It's shiny.

Steady, my Lord.

Mmm...

Uh, actors hold.

Starting again from the top.

Sir, call for you from Masada.

Masada?

It's the Allfather.

Allfather?

Blessed. Blessed.

Thrice blessed are you, O Starr.

Blessed are we, O Allfather.

You're looking well.

Your stomach staples must be holding this time.

They are not.

I had my gastroenterologist beheaded yesterday.

Of course.

Proportionate and wise.

Tell me, Starr...

what do you know about a man named...

Jesse Custer?

Custer?

Ah, yes.

The Preacher.

Uh, Samson Unit did an investigation

and ruled him a charlatan.

I see.

No truth to the rumors he may possess The Word Of God?

None at all.

Custer's a loser.

No threat to our Beloved Messiah.

Good.

I trust you, Starr.

Speaking of our most Holy Child,

how is the Messiah progressing?

His training may take longer than we anticipated.

How much longer?

Oh, not much.

A year.

Maybe five.

We don't have that kind of time.

God is gone.

The world is ending.

The people need their Messiah to show them to Glory.

I'm not sure he's quite capable yet

of showing anyone to Glory, sir.

Perhaps we'll have a demonstration.

A demonstration?

Now, Allfather?

All this time under your care?

He must have mastered at least one skill.

Well, there is one thing.

But I don't see how...

it's... relevant.

♪ Give me that old soft shoe I said that old soft shoe ♪

♪ A-one, a-two ♪

♪ A-doodle-dee-doodle-dee-doo ♪

♪ Play me that old soft shoe and nothing else will do ♪

♪ That's the dance my darling used to do ♪

I like the hat, sir.

- Very Don Draper. - Mm.

What happened to your nose?

It looks like you went down on a monkey.

Tulip O'Hare, sir. She sucker-punched me.

A woman did that? Dear God.

Yes, sir.

But about Jesse Custer.

I know we're keen on getting him back into the fold and...

I think I might have an interesting idea.

The time for interesting ideas is over.

When the Holy Idiot wraps up here,

the Allfather is going to have me skinned alive.

♪ A-doodle-dee-doodle-dee-doo ♪

♪ Play me that old soft shoe and nothing else will do ♪

♪ That's the dance my darling used to do ♪

Yay!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Come on.

Well, if I knew you were comin', I woulda cleaned up a little.

What'd you do with Jesse?

He having a time out.

Where the vampire?

Gone.

Way gone.

Miss Tulip, that's not good.

Oh, no, it's good for him.

But I guess if it's bad for you

and your little hee haw hillbilly Fight Club,

then I sorta don't give a shit.

He meant it's bad for you.

Oh, I'll be all right.

I mean, unless I need to go pee,

then, yeah. That would suck.

I saved your life.

I ripped you from death's door

and brought you back into the world.

And every moment from that moment

for the rest of your days

is owed to me.

Every breath,

every bite of food, every screw, every shit

is because of me.

Okay.

Thanks, I guess?

But Cassidy's no carny ride for outback assholes.

He's my friend.

He was bait.

A worm on a hook.

He was food.

Why hasn't Jesse just killed you already?

Jesse's family.

I'm not.

Jesse's smart.

Well, maybe when I'm done here,

you'll see just how stupid I can be.

Such spark.

So much life.

Oh.

But not for long.

Watch her.

Balls, Tulip.

Too bad she gonna eat 'em for supper.

The child... is brilliant.

Yes, Allfather. We've been, uh, drilling the spank-step

day and night.

I say we bring up the timetable and accelerate his Unveiling.

Accelerate?

So we... we show the world

that this feral half-wit is our Messiah,

and this rudimentary tap dancing

is what He does,

and the world will take him as their Savior?

Or be cast down into hellfire, yes.

Any other questions, Starr?

No, that, uh, covers it on my end.

Prepare the way for the Lord.

Something tells me... the second coming

will be even better than the first.

Jesus Christ.

I think that went well.

At least you got to keep your skin, sir.

Idiots.

What good is my skin

if that soft-shoeing inbred takes over?

Agreed.

Which is why we need Custer back on board

as soon as possible and...

I think I may have an interesting idea.

- Well! - It's about his friend, sir.

The vampire.

...playing by day, feeding by night.

We are the Children of Blood.

_

Carfentanil. I'm sure you're familiar.

Yeah, horse tranqs.

Mm.

Elephant.

Yeah, it's all the rage right now.

Half a pill will knock Dumbo straight on his ass.

Yep. Strong shit. It's very powerful.

Don't take this the wrong way, man,

but you smell like death.

What's the right way to take that?

Tell your elephant, uh, don't mix those with alcohol.

_

Capital of Alaska...

Juneau.

Capital of Arizona is...

Capital of Arizona is Phoenix.

Capital of... Arkansas...

Little Rock. Hmm.

Capital of California is Sacramento.

Capital of Colorado...

Denver.

Capital of Connecticut... Connecticut, Hartford.

♪ I'm gonna see... ♪

♪ I'd even kiss a Sunset pig ♪

♪ California ♪

Capital of North Dakota is...

Bismarck.

♪ I'd even kiss... ♪

Capital of Ohio...

♪ California ♪

Capital of Ohio is... Come on.

♪ Cal... ♪

Tulip.

Great.

Back in the coffin again, I see.

Ain't seen you down here for some time.

That's all right, son.

Your old pal's gonna take over for you.

You hear that?

Uh-huh.

Train is a-comin'.

How 'bout a patrol, Marshal Custer?

Might be just the thing to shake off yer blues.

Marshal.

Been a long time.

Has been, yeah.

But now yer back.

Mm-hmm.

What's your plan this time?

Same as always.

Texas.

Show you boys some justice.

And...

what if we don't wanna go?

Then we'll show you lead.

Hey.

You know you ain't seen the last of us, Marshal.

Yup.

That's why I'm one of the good guys...

'cause there's way too many of the bad.

Thank God you actually look like your picture.

You know, sometimes you show up, and it's like...

- Mm! - Yeah, it's bloody terrible,

like, I know. Yeah.

I like your shirt.

Oh, thank you.

I love birds, so...

Ah.

Uh, do you have any pets?

Oh, I had a dog once called Banjo.

- Oh. - He... He ran away, so...

Oh.

So, how long have you been a vampire?

Oh, um, uh, 89 years.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- How about you? - Gosh, um, almost 200 now.

- Two-hundred? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, you look well. - Why, thank you.

What do you think? Do you like it?

Oh, my God, I love it.

Are you kidding? Don't you?

Yeah, parts of it I do, yeah.

I would've died years before Quaaludes were invented.

I would've never seen the moon landing

or a man with a beard of bees.

You know.

Just as for instances, like...

Right.

But?

Ah. But nothin'.

Beats workin' fer a livin', doesn't it?

Huh?

Hey.

We're... outsiders.

And that can be lonely.

I know it is for me sometimes.

But... but that's okay.

Because it makes those moments of connection,

when they do happen,

that much sweeter.

Wait. Just...

Just let me get something, okay?

Okay.

Bite me.

Come on, bite me.

Ravish me.

Uh...

What's wrong? Did you leave yours at home?

Do you want me to rip your goddamn throat out?

Is that what you want, yeh bleedin' poser, eh?

Eh?

I'll take that one and that one, please.

I'm telling you,

a Kimber Compact II is what you want.

Twenty-two pound recoil.

I mean, only seven in your mag,

but then, a double tap still drops three-and-a-half bogeys.

I'm a Smith & Wesson man myself.

Please.

Smith & Wesson's for cops and pussies.

You say so.

Four-letter word

for "perambulate."

Hmm...

Nope.

"An observant person."

Seven letters.

"An observant..."?

You know, words really ain't my thing.

You coulda fooled me. You sure use 'em enough.

Funny.

Surprised you can even read.

I'd be worried if I were you.

Worryin's for pussies, too.

I got a corrosive,

a-a solvent that I use on... On mower parts and tractor rust.

We could dunk one of her feet in a bucket of that.

That'd teach her.

Or maybe even both feet.

- She stole from me. - She sure did.

And we're figuring out what to do about it.

I got pikes, pullers, peelers.

Uh, I got a 22-piece metric master ratcheting wrench set

from Home Depot, on sale.

I got a reticulated vest presser.

Oh, man, strap her into that?

Screams'll make the dogs run off.

She stole.

And I would have every right.

You do, Miss Marie, but-but-but-but you can't.

Lil' Jesse'd never forgive you.

He loves her.

Uh...

What do you say we take a little break, huh?

A-And... And we do something nice for you.

Like what?

Like...

Like play.

Another train comin' soon.

Set up and wait here and get the bulge on 'em.

Ain't that right, partner?

Partner?

Say, what's the matter?

You know what this is?

High Noon.

You got that right.

And I passed on that Commie piece of shit.

What's wrong with High Noon?

Well, what's right with it?

It's the most un-American plot I ever seen.

Buncha sissies sittin' pretty,

waiting for some saddle bums to take their town.

Ah, real heroes don't wait.

You callin' me a sappy?

Well, lemme ask ya somethin', son.

Ain't you worried about that sage hen of yours back east?

Tulip'll be all right.

She got grit enough for both of us.

Yeah, she's a Sahara's worth of sand, I'll grant ya that,

but ya left her in Injun territory with no map.

Who knows what's gonna happen

if she gets on the wrong side of them savages?

What the hell you want me to do about it?

I'm trapped in a coffin at the bottom of a swamp.

Think about it, son.

Ya can sit around here like a ninny,

waitin' till these trains stop a-comin',

or ya can get off yer backside

and blow up the tracks.

Tulip.

Come on, Pilgrim.

Shit.

If your father knew

you were with a-a mere cavalry officer...

Oh, Lieutenant Boulanger,

there would be such a scandal.

So, um...

so, why don't you go and never come back?

I said...

go.

Eugenia.

Lester, please.

Please, Lester, why won't you leave?

Because you're the most...

beautiful woman I ever seen.

Oh, am I?

Oh, my love.

You're... You're a... Like a-a-a paragon.

Oh, my love.

Oh, this is so wrong.

No, it's... it's... it's, like, not... not good.

What?

Uh, nothin', nothin', I just... I forgot my line.

Take... Take it from, uh, "You're so beautiful."

Go back to that.

Get off!

Get away from me!

Miss Marie, please.

Shut up!

I said shut up!

Pathetic.

Our silly game isn't gonna fix this, is it, T.C.?

Is it?

And... And... And Lil' Jesse?

Isn't here.

Go get her.

I'm gonna eat... her... soul.

Miss Marie, please...

Go! Get! Her!

M-Miss Tulip, I'm afraid I got some... some bad news for ya.

- Jody? - Look out!

A seven-letter "observant person"

is a "witness."

Hey!

You're making a big mistake.

I ain't big on killin' little old ladies

that saved my life, that's for sure.

But you?

I'd make an exception.

Now, I'm gonna ask nicely...

you break the spell on Jesse and let us go.

No one gets hurt.

Or not.

Drop it!

Aah!

Drop it.

Drop it!

Tulip.

I did it.

It's over.

What the hell?

I don't know what happened.

She killed Gran'ma, and then she died, too.

I-It's 'cause of the fingernails.

M-M-Miss Marie, she... she tied hers

and... and Miss Tulip's life together

so you wouldn't come after her.

Y-Y-You... You doing the wrong one.

Come on.

Your adrenaline, will that work?

It just might.

Not so hard. Steady, steady.

Steady...

Dead again, I see?

Pass-fail, O'Hare.

And you...

are failing.

No, no, no. Her heart gonna take that?

She ain't Uma Thurman.

Give it to me.

Vlad has been impaled.

Get them out.

Wha...?

Whadda I do with this?

Read it.

Uh...

Schlampity...

It's upside down.

"Messiah, please help me.

I'm in a terrible jeop..."

Mm.

"Jeopardy." Jeopardy?

What's a jeopardy?

I don't... I don't think that's even a word, mate.

Anyway, "The Grail has taken me prisoner.

Please save me...

or I'll be brutally...

murdered."

Should I keep recording?

Jesse Custer.

We have your little friend,

and thus the time for negotiation is over.

Come. I will restore your power,

and you will rise as the one true Messiah.

But if you do not...

the vampire will receive a visit from my most merciless torturer.

You have one day to...

What now?

I'll check on that, sir.

All the free will in the world,

and I still find a way to screw it up.

Just like God said.

Well, you didn't know.

Yeah, well, I should've.

You told me to stay away from her.

Madame Boyd, right?

She's the woman who put it into your head.

Mm-hmm.

She told you to kill Gran'ma?

She knew damn well it'd kill you, too.

Well, she just made our shit list, didn't she?

She certainly did.

She, uh...

She's not doin' too good.

The adrenaline, it weakened her heart.

Well, I feel fine.

Well, 'course you do.

As long as her heart's still tickin',

yours'll tick, too.

U-Until hers stops, and... and...

So what do we do?

She needs her medicine.

She needs to eat.

Well, start with her. She made this mess.

I dare you to try.

Lil' Jesse...

we gotta get a soul... somewhere.

Cassidy.

Wake up, brother.

Welcome back.

What the...

Who the bleedin' hell are all you people?

We...

are Les Enfants du Sang.

We are the Children of Blood.

Bollocks.

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