Original subtitles

Boy, what's the matter with sitcoms these days?

Where's the new Arnold the Pigs?

The new Barney Fifes?

Where's the Gradys from Sanford and Son?

Take this guy.

All he's done for the last 20 minutes is talk about which toothbrush is his.

Yeah, like a real man would use a toothbrush.

See what else is on.

Well, this looks good.

This is the new Barnaby Jones reunion show.

Dad, that's the new Rolling Stones video.

That's not Buddy Ebsen, that's Keith Richards.

I thought he looked a little old for Buddy Ebsen.

The Home Shopping Network. Boy, this is a good idea for women.

It was a little too tough driving to the mall...

...with a couch strapped to their ass.

Which reminds me, Peggy's still in Wanker County, right?

Yep, but not for long.

Not since the doctor put her mom on a no-salt-lick diet.

She should be back on all fours any minute now.

That's good. Oh, look, white-trash collector plates.

I'm glad Peg's not here to see this.

Our first call is from Wanker County, Wisconsin.

Yes. I'd like to order the Roger Clinton service for eight, please.

Now, that comes with matching spittoons, right?

It's amazing. They don't even have gravity in Wanker County...

...but they get the Home Shopping Network.

Yes, and I'd also like the Gillooly soup tureens.

Now available, original tapes of the British TV series...

...The Avengers.

That butt.

I'd know that butt anywhere. That's Emma Peel.

Those are-- Those are Peel cheeks.

Peel. Peel. Peel.

Emma Peel's the one that wore the really tight jumpsuits.

And kicked really high.

Thereby allowing us to see every single nuance and fold in her body.

- Jefferson, I've gotta order this. - To the phones.

Has it occurred to either of you rutabagas...

...that the woman may be pushing 200 by now?

Pounds and years.

That's why you look at them on tape.

If I only had to look at your mother on tape, I'd still be having sex with her.

Hey, Daddy.

- Can I have $200? - No, you can't, pumpkin.

We have to save everything for the essentials.

You know, food, clothing--

Hello? Yes, I'd like to order the new Emma Peel tape, please.

And do you have one where she kicks really high?

Bud?

Do I look like I'm made of money?

Well, just that roll of dimes you keep in your pants.

Those are quarters. I mean--

I don't-- I don't know what you're talking about.

Please, it's only $200.

Kelly, I work at the Department of Vehicle Services.

How much money do you think I make riding around in a car all day?

And remember...

...I'm upright and in the front seat.

Please? I need it to help me get a beer commercial.

- Budweiser? - No. Ice Hole.

- Just asking, slut. - No. No.

Ice Hole is the name of the beer.

It's one of those new microbrewery beers.

They're having auditions for spokesmodels in a couple days.

This could be the biggest thing in my life.

And before you know it, I'll be living it up in Hollywood.

Getting in slap fights with Shannen Doherty...

...and having my ass grabbed by Bob Barker.

Yeah, yeah, do you have one where she's soaking wet?

Or one where she's freezing, freezing cold?

Why, yes, I do sell women's shoes. How did you know that?

Listen. The pictures are only $300 and I only have $100.

- You have a hundred bucks? - Yes.

I know where you might get your pictures done for 100 bucks.

Yeah, me too, but I don't wanna be in Jugs Magazine.

Okay. Okay.

I know another place.

You know, I just might be able to help you out.

Well, okay.

But remember, these have to be the kind of pictures that bring out my best.

And smile.

Beautiful. I love it. Turn, turn.

Beautiful.

Very sexy. Very beautiful.

Oh, yeah.

Bud.

Bud.

You know what today is?

National blue shirt and brown pants day?

Really?

That's not gonna affect the mail, is it?

Because I'm expecting my Emma Peel tape today.

Did I tell you she could kick really, really high?

Daddy.

Daddy, I got the commercial!

I'm the new Ice Hole girl. Isn't that exciting?

It sure is. Sweetheart, did you see the mailman out there?

This could be my big break. Aren't you even gonna be excited?

Honey, yes, I'm excited for you, but you know me...

...I don't get all gushy and emotional.

The tape's here.

Give me that! Give me!

Wait a second, Jefferson. This isn't an Emma Peel Avengers.

This is a Linda "We-Couldn't- Get-Anybody-Else-to-Do-the-Show"...

...Thorson Avengers.

Jefferson, we've been hornswoggled.

To the phones.

You know, Kel, it's a wonder we turned out as well as we did.

Well, I guess it's just me and Buck now.

If I could call a cab, it would just be you.

Well, listen here, you carpetbaggers.

It's been over two weeks and I'm still without Peel.

Now, I'm going to whoever regulates you people.

Who is that anyway?

"Absolutely no one."

What is their number?

"1-800-Bite-Me."

Gotcha.

Daddy, I'm ruined.

My life is even more worthless than yours.

Well, how could that possibly be?

Well, what about the commercial?

- There's not gonna be a commercial. - Why?

I've got a zit.

Look at it, Daddy.

It's the size of the Earth itself.

This is the first zit I've had in my life...

...and the commercial's the day after tomorrow.

Don't worry, Kelly. You can hardly see it.

- You mean it? - Yes, pumpkin. Trust me.

- No one will ever notice it. - Okay.

Whoa, look at the size of that zit!

Before that baby blows...

...better warn the villagers living at the base of your feet.

Bud, don't you see that your sister's in pain?

Try to be a little more sensitive.

Sweetheart, that thing's not gonna leak all over Daddy's shirt, is it?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I probably got this from you, you know.

What else am I gonna get from you?

What, I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and my bed's gonna be wet...

...and I can't find my jammie bottoms?

If you really wanna go on TV...

...you could draw a little face on your zit and go on Montel as Siamese twins.

Al?

Jefferson, can't you see that I'm trying to comfort my daughter here?

- It's about Emma Peel. - Excuse me, pumpkin.

What's up?

They admitted that they don't have an Avengers with Emma Peel...

...but they did offer a substitute.

No. No deal.

- It's Peel or nothing. - It's The Three Stooges.

Oh, happy day.

Pick two.

Well, you're obviously in good hands here.

I'm gonna go and start my homework...

...before they start grabbing each other's noses with pliers.

Too late.

- Aren't you gonna answer that? - No.

- I was happy, that means it's Peg. - Well, you don't know that.

Hello? It's Mom.

Hi, Mom, I'm so glad you called.

How's everything going, honey?

It's terrible. I've got a huge pimple.

An actual Bud Bundy growing from my forehead.

Well, you know, Uncle Sticky's getting out of the pen today.

You want him to make you up a batch of his pimple potion?

I thought Uncle Sticky's potion is what got him sent to prison.

It did. But I thought you were desperate.

No, no, no. I am, I am. How soon can you get it here?

Tomorrow.

Cousin Zimo is running a truckload of illegal fireworks to Peoria.

- I'll have him drop it off in the morning. - Cool.

- You wanna talk to Grandma? - Sure.

Hey, Dad.

Dad.

Mom's gonna send me some homemade pimple stuff.

From Uncle Sticky, sweetheart?

You remember Uncle Sticky's face, honey?

It's where we used to keep our keys.

Pumpkin, I'm afraid you're gonna have to not do this commercial.

- Yeah, how much would you be losing? - Two thousand dollars.

You will do this commercial if it kills you.

Remember, nothing good ever came out of Wanker County...

...including your mother.

So, now, here. Listen. This is all the money that I've got.

Go to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.

Outside?

But, Dad, what if somebody sees my pimple?

Pumpkin, it's dark. No one's gonna see the pimple.

I guess you're right.

I guess I'm just being, silly, huh?

Whoa, look at the zits on the blond chick.

Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?

Two grand and The Three Stooges. For a dead man, I'm awfully happy.

You know my women's group and I are going to protest.

What? The Stooges?

If you don't like them, how come you keep getting your hair cut like Moe?

Not that, you primordial ooze.

It has come to my attention that Kelly is the new Ice Hole Beer girl.

Now, you have done some low things before...

...but to allow your own daughter to flaunt her body to sell beer...

...that's low even for you.

Jefferson.

She's right, Al.

Marcie, let me explain something to you:

Oh, that's very funny.

She's right, Al.

But unlike evolution, I am not letting you off the hook, Al.

Now, can you please tell me...

...what a woman's body has to do with selling beer?

All right. Number one...

...if it wasn't for beer...

...there'd be at least three people who probably wouldn't even be married.

Me...

...Jefferson...

...and probably Lisa Marie Presley.

And number two...

...since men buy beer...

...advertisers have to cater to what we want, and--

Hold on to your corncob pipe.

--we like pretty women.

Ergo, pretty women sell good products, ugly women sell... tennis rackets.

Pretty women, cars. Ugly women, mini vans.

Pretty women make us buy beer...

...ugly women make us drink beer.

And if you were any more of a pig...

...kids would be putting coins in your back.

Now, I promise you, this will not go unanswered.

My women's group and I will be on the Ice Hole set to protest.

Will they be wearing dainty little overalls and matching caterpillar caps?

Some will.

Will you be wearing your usual foot odor...

...with matching aura of failure?

Pick two.

One, two.

Jefferson, you don't think I'm wrong for having Kelly do this, do you?

Well, Al, she'll probably be parading around half-naked...

...to sell cheap beer to a bunch of leering, screaming yahoos.

You know, you're right, buddy, it's a tough call.

You wanna go to the nudie bar and think about it?

Okay.

Well, there's only one thing left to do.

Remember...

...nothing good ever came out of Wanker County.

Yeah, but how often are you right?

Good point.

Use our minds, not behinds Use our minds, not behinds

Use our minds, not behinds Use our minds, not behinds

Well, let me see. What part are you gonna be playing?

Handsome romantic lead or Eskimo?

Take a guess.

Welcome aboard, Nanuk.

- Let's see, where's that--? - Hi, there.

You're not here for the handsome romantic lead, are you?

I don't play that at home.

Look, we're running late here. Has anybody seen the Bundy babe?

Women are not babes.

I thought we nixed the sea lions for this commercial.

We heard that.

Listen, don't mind them. I keyed their pickups on the way in.

I'm Al. I'm Kelly's father.

She had a blemish. It made her a little nervous.

And against her father's wishes...

...she used some stuff that was cooked up...

...by my idiot wife's idiot relatives and, well, there were some mild side effects.

Nothing that can't be solved with creative lighting, but--

Well, you guys are the experts, so why don't you tell me.

Pumpkin.

Well, that was a short day.

This is our spokesmodel? This?

We're selling beer here, fella, not Lucky Charms.

I need someone gorgeous to sell this crap.

Thank you.

This should be a slam-dunk...

...multi-million-dollar discrimination lawsuit.

- Discrimination suit? - Yes. I am Marcie D'Arcy...

...here on behalf of the Coalition for the Esthetically Challenged.

"Challenged"?

I'd say, "Defeated, exiled and left for dead."

You mind repeating that?

As a matter of fact...

...I do.

Anyway, you will use Kelly in this commercial, as she is...

...or we will slap the biggest lawsuit on you that you have ever had.

Could they possibly do that? Sue on behalf of the ugly?

How can they win that?

Four words:

Attorney General Janet Reno.

When your wife looks like this...

...you might as well dive into an Ice Hole.

Ice Hole Beer.

When it's 2 a.m. and you gotta do something.

Coming up next on Business Week In Review:

The marketing geniuses behind the successful media campaign...

...for Ice Hole Beer.

I'm finally on my way to fame and fortune.

When this beer takes off nationally and takes Kelly with it, I'll be rich.

Oh, you mean we'll be rich?

Yeah. Yeah. We'll be rich.

Me and Kelly.

For once-- And I'm not afraid to say it.

--Al Bundy can't lose.

Well, I was fired.

- Can't win, either. - What happened?

Well, once my hair grew back and the beard fell off...

...they said I was too pretty to be doing beer commercials.

Advertisers are so afraid of good-looking people...

...that the producers won't even touch me.

Well, they'll touch me, they just won't hire me.

Dad.

What are we gonna do about the money?

Well, don't worry, we'll just ugly her up.

Call Uncle Sticky, tell him we need something more permanent.

Sweetheart, don't worry about a thing.

When we get done with your face this time...

...you'll be giving warthogs dry heaves.

Oh, that's so sweet, Daddy.

But it's too late. They already hired my ugly replacement.

Already? Who?

See for yourself. Here's the commercial.

Hello. Remember me?

Oh, my God, she's a hundred.

And she's still kicking high.