All language subtitles for Lemony.Snickets.A.Series.of.Unfortunate.Events.S01E02.WEBRip.XviD-FUM

Jacquelyn, could you bring
the Baudelaire file in here, please?

Hello, my name is Lemony Snicket,

and I'm sorry to say that
the alleged entertainment you are watching

is extremely unpleasant.

Jacquelyn, could you bring
the Baudelaire file in here, please?

From the beginning of this miserable tale
to the last melancholy scene,

I cannot think of a single line,
a single word,

that does not chill me
to my deepest bones.

Jacquelyn, could you bring
the Baudelaire file in here, please?

However, the sad history
of the Baudelaire orphans

did not begin in the private,
somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe

at Mulctuary Money Management.

Jacquelyn, could you bring
the Baudelaire file in here, please?

Nor does their story begin on this gray
and cloudy morning at Briny Beach,

where the Baudelaire children,
Violet, Klaus and Sunny,

received terrible news.

Your parents have perished
in a terrible fire.

In fact, the tale of the Baudelaire
orphans begins long before the fire

which left the children
with practically nothing to their names.

Their story begins before their brief
and unpleasant stay with the Poe family.

It begins before the children
meet Justice Strauss,

a nice lady who, unfortunately,
is not their guardian.

And before the Baudelaire orphans were
placed under the care of a terrible actor

with a mysterious tattoo of an eye
on his ankle,

who made the Baudelaires
sleep in an awful room,

do a series of difficult
and irritating chores,

and cook dinner for his disreputable
and largely untalented theater troupe,

resulting in an act of violence
that ought not to be shown on-screen.

"Why?" you may ask.

Why did the Baudelaire orphans suffer
through this series of unfortunate events?

How did the resourceful
and intelligent children

of kindly and attentive parents
end up in the care of Count Olaf?

That answer, at least,
can be found shortly after the fire

that claimed the Baudelaire home.

Inside the private,
somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe

at Mulctuary Money Management.

Jacquelyn, could you bring
the Baudelaire file in here, please?

Do you know what the question
I'm asked most is?

"Will you please leave the premises?"

"Why do I do it?"

"Count Olaf," they ask me,
"why are you an actor?

Why not a model, or a millionaire playboy?

Why respond to the siren song
that the Spanish call 'El Theater'?"

-For fame and fortune?
-No.

For standing ovation?

-No.
-For the costumes!

Where are the costumes?

Nobody brought the costumes?

Stay in the car.

Can we listen to the radio?

No.

Well, we've got to reach them.
Try Peru.

Well, keep trying.
Yes, it's an emergency.

I'm keeping an eye on things
best I can, but...

Let me call you back.

- I have an appointment.
- Name?

Haircut.

-Haircut?
-Yes... sica Haircut is my name.

Yessica Haircut?

Yes. Yessica.

Jacquelyn, could you
bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?

There are many police inspectors,

concerned citizens
and television executives

who have expressed confusion

as to how the Baudelaire orphans ended up
in Count Olaf's so-called care.

The scene you see behind me
is called a flashback.

That is a word which here means

"taken place during the events
of the last episode,

shortly after the Baudelaire fire

and during the Baudelaire children's
unfortunate stay with the Poe family."

I present it to you now
in the hopes that the police inspectors,

concerned citizens
and television executives

might finally leave me alone.

Hello, banker man.

The Baudelaire fire
is precisely why I'm here.

-File, not fire.
-I said file.

Allow me to introduce myself,

because, as you can see from my mole,
we've never met before.

As you can see from my coat,
hat and ascot,

I'm here on business.

And as you can see from my sunglasses...

it's bright out.

I'm here to consult with you
on the Baudelaire will,

for which I understand
you are the executioner.

Executor.

Person who controls people's fortunes
after a terrible fire has just happened.

My name...

...is Yessica Haircut.

That's strange.

I have an appointment
for a haircut right now.

Jacquelyn, please cancel that haircut.

Mr. Poe, there's an urgent matter--

No, no. I wanna hear
what this man Haircut has to say.

I'd like to make a withdrawal.

Well, I don't know, Mr.--

-Count...
-Count?

...on me to tell you my name,
which is Mr...

Yessica Haircut.

Well, Mr. Haircut, the Baudelaire will
states very clearly what is to happen

in the event of the untimely deaths
of Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire.

They are to be raised
by their closest living relative,

who appears to be
a renowned scientist by the name of--

It is one thing to listen to science,
Mr. Banker Man.

-Poe.
-It is another

to listen to the advice of a consultant.

And in my important
actual consulting expertise business,

the phrase "closest living relative"
can mean only one thing...

"whoever lives nearby."

Really? You think so?

I would stake my fortune on it.

Or my name's not whatever it is
I told you it was.

Well, in that case,
we're going to need a map of the city.

I think the person nearest
to the Baudelaires is renowned actor

and handsome man, Count Olaf.

Count...

Never heard of him.

He's been favorably mentioned
in theatrical reviews

in several small magazines.

His name is pronounced...

Count Olaf.

And if I'm not mistaken, he lives right...

right here.

Is that really the closest?

Yes, absolutely, for sure.

Jacquelyn, can you please
bring in a very large ruler?

Jacquelyn?

Guess I'll get it myself.

These events
at Mulctuary Money Management

resulted in unfortunate events
far and near,

from a woman trapped in a remote park...

You'll never get away with this.

I already did get away with it.

...to three orphans
in horrifying circumstances,

as our story resumes.

Put some elbow grease into it!

Mr. Poe must have made
a horrible mistake when he took us here.

There's no way our parents
would want us in Count Olaf's care,

if we can even call it that.

As soon as Count Olaf's back is turned,
we need to leave this house.

I'd rather take my chances on the streets
than stay here any longer.

Who knows what would happen to us
on the street?

At least here we have a roof
over our head.

I wish our parents' money
could be used now,

instead of when you come of age.

Then we could buy a castle and live in it

with armed guards patrolling outside
to keep out Count Olaf and his troupe.

- With a large inventing studio.
- And a library.

Hurry up, orphans.
There's reupholstering to be done.

Justice Strauss said
her home was always open to us.

She said her legal library
was always open to us.

It's not the same thing.

Mr. Poe did say we could contact him
if we had any questions.

We don't really have a question.
We have a complaint.

Can I warm that up for you?
And also give you some very bad news?

-What is it?
-It's that secretary--

Shh! Not here.

An emergency?

Very well, but I'm quite busy.

My old secretary,
a distinguished professional

who showed up without fail
for many years, has vanished.

I've hired an underemployed artist
with no prior experience

who needs the occasional day off
for auditions and performances.

Plus, I've already had to reschedule
a haircut several times.

What can I do for you?

Count Olaf is a madman.
We can't stay with him.

He struck Klaus across the face.
See his bruise?

Oh, excuse me. Poe here.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Absolutely not.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. What were we talking about?

Oh, yes, Count Olaf.

I'm sorry you don't have
a good first impression of him.

He only provided us with one bed.

He makes us do
a great many difficult chores.

Excuse me. Poe here.

Seven.

Seven.

Seven.

Seven.

Anything but seven.

You're welcome.

Children, everyone,
at some time in their life,

wishes they were being raised

by people different than the ones
who were raising you.

When I was a little boy,

I would have given my eyeteeth
to be raised by an actor.

He calls us orphans.

You are orphans.

He has terrible friends.

I have terrible friends.

Speaking of not understanding
a word someone is saying!

Baudelaires, are you familiar
with the term "in loco parentis"?

It sounds like Latin.

Latin and legal.

"In loco parentis" means
"acting in the role of a parent."

It is a legal term
and it applies to Count Olaf.

The actor is acting as your parent.

And as your legal guardian,

Count Olaf may raise you
using any method he sees fit.

So I'm sorry if your parents didn't
make you do household chores,

or if you like their friends
more than you like Count Olaf's friends.

But there are certain things
you must get used to.

Now, I'm sorry
if I have to usher you out posthaste,

but I've got work to do.

"Posthaste" means "very, very--"

It means he'll do nothing to help us.

Oh, on the contrary, I'll have
my new secretary give you a ride home

as soon as he's finished
typing up that report.

I think we need to call the IT guy.

That man works for Count Olaf.

He did say Count Olaf
was one of his professional contacts.

It was good seeing you, Baudelaires.

We're not going back
to Count Olaf's house!

Look at Klaus' face!

Oh, no, no, no, orphans.

Look at mine.

Shall I let them off the hook?

I spent all morning
making these cupcakes for you.

Thank you.

Aren't raspberries delicious?

They were my favorite berry
when I was your age.

But we're all different ages.

I want to talk to you about something.

I recently received a call from Mr. Poe.

Is that so?

I'm sorry Mr. Poe bothered you.

I'm glad he did,

because I want you three children to feel
more at home here,

now that I am your father.

As you know, I have been working hard
with my theater troupe,

and I'm afraid
I may have acted a bit standoffish.

The word "standoffish"
is a wonderful one,

but it does not describe
Count Olaf's behavior toward the children.

"Standoffish" refers to a person

who, for various reasons,
is not associating with others.

It is a word which might describe
somebody who, during a party,

might stand in a corner
instead of talking to another person.

Gustav? Jacquelyn here.

It would not describe somebody

who provides one bed
for three people to sleep in,

forces them to do horrible chores
and strikes them across the face.

Therefore...

There are many words for people like that.

...to make you feel
a little more at home here...

But "standoffish" isn't one of them.

...I want you to participate
in my next play.

Participate how?

I'm...

The play is called The Marvelous Marriage,

and is by the great playwright
Al Funcoot.

We will give only one performance,
this Friday night.

It tells the story of a very handsome
and good-looking man, played by me.

You, Klaus, and you, Sunny, will play
two cheering people in the crowd.

But we're shorter than most adults.
Won't that look strange to the audience?

You'll be playing two midgets.

And what will I do? Build the sets?

Build the sets? Oh, heavens, no.

My sister is very good with tools.

A pretty girl like you shouldn't be
working backstage.

But I'd like to.

Sunny, Sunny, Sunny...

Violet?

Violet, Violet, Violet.

You will be playing
the young woman I marry.

It's a very important role

although you only have one line,
and I think you know what it is.

I don't.

No, no, no. It's "I do."

Count Olaf...

What did you call me?

Father...

I'm not sure I'm talented enough
to perform professionally.

I'd hate to disgrace your good name
and the name of Al Funcoot.

Plus, I'll be very busy the next few weeks
working on my inventions.

And learning how to prepare roast beef.

You will participate
in my theatrical performance!

I would prefer it
if you participate voluntarily,

but as I believe
Mr. Poe has explained to you,

I can act loco parentheses.

In loco parentis.

Poco De Laurentiis.

In loco parentis.

The point is,
I can order you to participate,

and you must obey.

Now go talk to the woman in the wig.

I can't stand looking at you anymore.

You think he was trying to poison us
with those raspberries?

He ate them all.

Besides, Count Olaf is after the fortune
we will inherit.

Killing us will do him no good.

What good would it do to be in
a performance of The Marvelous Marriage?

Marriage is like sharing
a root beer float,

or agreeing to be the back half
of a horse costume.

Even when it's happening onstage,

you should only do it
with the people you love.

I have never been married myself.

I once desperately loved a remarkably
brave and bravely remarkable woman,

who, when I asked her
if she would be my wife,

found, for complicated
and unfathomable reasons,

she could give me no answer.

No answer.

Baudelaires!
I'm so happy to see you.

Are you here to continue your research?

Actually, Justice Strauss,
we're here to research something else.

Do you have any books on the theater?

Ah, the theater.

I see you're settling in
to having an actor for a guardian.

I have quite the interest in theater,
you know.

Learning lines
and curtseying for the audience

and wearing costumes.

I would give up every last wig
just to wear a costume.

Justice Strauss,
do you have anything on local ordinances?

Ah, local ordinances.

Wait, are you sure?

Even I don't like reading such books,
and I work at the High Court.

I'm actually considering a career in law.
I find those books quite fascinating.

Well, to each his own.

There are countless types of books
in this world,

which makes good sense because
there are countless types of people.

Sunny, would you like to come with me
into the garden

while your siblings tackle
all this reading?

Klaus, what's happened to your face?

We're trying to find out.

Well, I do have a section on rashes.

It's right next to Chinese cars.

Isn't it beautiful, boss?

No, no, no, it should be delicate!
Fetching!

And a chiffon train rippling down
like... like--

-Like a waterfall.
-Like an open wound.

Exactly.

-What?
-Nothing else rhymes with Count Olaf.

There are plenty of things
that rhyme with Count Olaf.

-Hmm.
-Uh...

-Hmm...
-Hmm...

Rice pilaf!

Got it.

I just think,
even in changing context,

that marriage is an inherently
patriarchal construction

that is likely to further
the hegemonic juggernaut

that's problematizing, uh...

Hmm, "nuclear.

Nudism.

Nugget.

Nuptial."

Uh-oh, gotta go.

...on the planet and...

Are you leaving?

Justice Strauss?

Yes?

May I ask you something?

Certainly.

Oh, there we go, sweet girl.

Good.

Yes, as one legal scholar to another?

"The only nuptial requirements are

a statement of active acquiescence
by both participants,

utilizing in loco parentis if necessary,

and the signing of an explanatory document
in the bride's own hand."

Does that mean what I think it means?

Well, I suppose it depends upon
what you think it means.

It means you're going to be a star.

Count Olaf!

Please, call me your guardian actor.

Justice Strauss, you are about to find
your drab, legal beagle existence

transformed into something mind-blowing,
and yet extremely classy,

when you become the exciting new face

of the next Count Olaf production.

You mean...

You have got the star quality necessary
for a small walk-on role

in Al Funcoot's new play.

I've wanted to be an actress
since I was young.

Although, my drama teacher told me
my chances were slim

because of my posture,
and so I went into the law, but now--

Now, you can see it.

-The curtain rises.
-Curtain?

-The audience applauds.
-Audience!

And you walk onto stage,
dressed as a judge.

- A judge!
- It's a very important part,

although you won't be listed
in the program.

You will stand in front of a very
handsome man, played by me...

I get to share the stage with Count Olaf?

...while a stunningly-costumed bride,
played by Violet, stands beside me.

You are so lucky, Violet.

All my life I wanted to be a bride,

but it seems all the men I meet
are intimidated by my law degree,

or obsessed with model trains.

A gorgeous...

bridal dress of my own design...

while you perform
the entire wedding ceremony,

getting each and every word
exactly right,

while we sign a document

which you shall bring from city hall
for added realism.

Justice Strauss, he's up to something.

What I am up to is making
Justice Strauss' dreams come true.

Oh.

You will suddenly find yourself
in the enviable position

of being a struggling actress
in middle age.

It's almost too good to be true.

It is. Justice Strauss, Count Olaf is--

Count Olaf is welcoming you into his life

by making you an important part
of this theatrical enterprise.

Children, go. Go home.

Spend some time with your new father.

Carpe diem!

Seize the children!

-Seize the day.
-I said day.

Boss,

I have three kinds of butter cream icing
here for you to sample.

One's vanilla, one has a hint of nutmeg
and the other's a little lemony.

I told you never to say that word.

Take these orphans

upstairs to their bedroom until Friday.

I have no use for them until then.

-Uh, except to cook dinner.
-We'll order takeout.

We're gonna find out
just what you're up to, Count Olaf.

We know you're just trying to steal
our parents' fortune.

We're gonna prove it.

Let me eat cake.

Nice.

Mmm.

Oh, my!

Get into your pajamas
and say your prayers,

unless you're atheists.

You can't just keep us in here.

You know who always says that?
Prisoners.

Listen to us. Count Olaf is--

No, no, no, no.
You listen to me, little boy,

and you listen very carefully.

The only reason why
Count Olaf hasn't torn you limb from limb

is because he hasn't gotten
a hold of your fortune.

But you ask yourself this question,
all of you:

What reason would he have to keep
you alive after he's got your money?

What do you think will happen to you then?

-This is terrible, terrible.
-Awful.

What's gonna happen?

I don't know.
But I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna stay up all night with a book.

Klaus was not reading
for his own enjoyment,

but to try to rescue his siblings
from a terrible predicament.

The book was not at all interesting.
The book was long and difficult.

He found himself reading
the same sentence over and over.

He found himself reading
the same sentence over and over.

By night's end,
Klaus had found out all he needed to know.

His hopes rose with the dawn.

Although, unfortunately...

...so did Count Olaf.

What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be in your room.

I was in my room all night,
and I know what you're up to.

Me? I'm just having my morning coffee,

although I can't seem to find
the sugar bowl.

"The only nuptial requirements are

a statement of active acquiescence
by both participants,

utilizing in loco parentis if necessary,

and the signing of an explanatory document
in the bride's own hand."

Let me give you a piece of advice.

If you use fancy-pants words
first thing in the morning,

you're going to end up a very lonely man.

I figured out your scheme.

You're not going to marry
Violet figuratively.

You're going to marry her literally.

Literally?

That's outrageous. I... Wait.

Literally? Literally.

You don't know the difference

between figuratively and literally,
do you?

Uh...

It is very useful, whether one is young
or in late middle age,

to know the difference
between literally and figuratively.

"Literally" is a word which here means
that something is actually happening,

whereas "figuratively" is a word

which means
it just feels like it's happening.

If you are literally jumping for joy,
for instance,

that means that you are leaping through
the air because you are very happy.

I'm leaping in the air
because I'm very happy.

If you are figuratively jumping for joy,

it means that you are so happy
you could jump for joy,

but are saving your energy
for other matters.

I'm so happy I could jump for joy,

but I'm saving my energy
for other matters.

So literally would be an actual marriage,
whereas figuratively

would be marrying her for the purposes
of theatrical entertainment.

I knew that. I was testing you.

If my sister says "I do"
and signs a piece of paper

while Justice Strauss is in the room,
she's legally married.

This play won't be pretend.
It'll be real and legally binding.

I wouldn't marry your sister
if she were the last orphan on earth.

A man like me can acquire
any number of beautiful women

who don't complain
about doing their chores.

What's in it for me?

"A legal husband has titular and practical
control over any relevant fiduciaries,

resulting in aggregate financial dominion
over any spousal holdings."

I don't think a boy your age ought to be
using the word "titular."

If you became Violet's husband,

you'd gain complete control
over the Baudelaire fortune. But...

"A prospective spouse must be
chronologically sound and appropriate

in regards to the age of consent according
to prevailing community standards."

My sister isn't old enough to get married,
even if she wanted to.

Tell me, bookworm...

can you name me a language
that was spoken by ancient Romans

and is still spoken
by very irritating people today?

-Latin.
-That's right.

And can you translate the Latin phrase
"in loco parentis"?

"Acting in the role of parent."

That's right.

And that's me.

You see, Violet can get married
if she has the permission

of her legal guardian.

And she does.

In fact...

she has more than permission.

She has enthusiasm.

All the enthusiasm in the world won't get
us to participate in your horrible plot!

Mr. Poe will hear about this.

Your play will not be performed,
and you will go to jail!

Excuse me.

Sorry to interrupt, everyone,

but that brave and clever boy
with the horrible glasses

has just figured out our dastardly plan.

Yes.

Thanks to his stupendous library book,

the orphans have achieved a grand victory
over our evil ways.

-Oh, no.
-Whatever will we do?

-I guess we will go to jail.
-For a very long time.

I guess that proves
reading really is fundamental.

Violet,

do you think your booky little brother
is very brave and clever?

His work speaks for itself.

Count Olaf wants to marry you for real,

while you and Justice Strauss
and everyone else thinks it's just a play.

But I'm not old enough to get married.

You can with the permission
of your legal guardian.

In loco parentis.

We have to get Sunny
and get out of this wretched place.

-Sunny. Wake up.
-Sunny.

- Where is she?
- Where is she indeed?

It certainly is so strange
to find a child missing,

and one so small, so helpless.

When did you see her last?

What have you done with Sunny?

Here, Sunny, Sunny.
Where are you, girl?

Did you hear that?

It came from outside.

Sunny?

Oh, you're not looking
in the right place.

For children who read so much,
you two are remarkably unintelligent.

She's not here.

Oh, don't look so down.

I'd say things are looking up, up...

up.

Oh, no.

-Let her go. She's done nothing to you.
-She's an infant.

Well, if you really want me
to let her go, I will.

But even a stupid brat like you
might realize that if I let her go,

or more accurately,
if I have my comrade let her go...

Hi.

Sunny might not survive
the fall to the ground.

That's a 30-foot tower,

which is a very long way
for a very small person to fall,

even when she's inside a cage.
But if you insist.

-No, don't!
-Please, she's just a baby.

We'll do anything, anything.
Just don't harm her.

Anything? Anything?

Would you, for instance,
consider marrying me

during tomorrow night's performance?

I would never, ever marry you.

Hmm.

Children...

your sister is like a stick
behind a stubborn mule.

My sister's not a stick.

Any animal owner will tell you

that a stubborn mule
will move toward the carrot

because it wants the reward of food...

and away from the stick

because it wants to avoid
the punishment of rump pain.

Likewise, you will do what I say,

to avoid the punishment
of the loss of your sister.

And because you want the reward
of a charming husband.

Come now.

Would it be so terrible to be my bride,

to live in my house
for the rest of your life?

You're such a lovely girl.

After the wedding, I wouldn't dispose
of you like your brother and sister.

If you let Sunny go...

-I will marry you.
-Hmm.

Mazel tov.

I will let Sunny go
after tomorrow night's performance.

Until then, she will remain
in the tower room for safekeeping.

-That is all.
-You're a terrible man.

I may be a terrible man,
but I have concocted

a foolproof way of getting your fortune.

What have you done?

I wish I had an inventor here.

I was thinking the same thing.

-Gustav.
-Jacquelyn.

-You came.
-You sent for me.

Things are disastrous.
Everything's gone wrong.

I thought so.

Dr. Montgomery and I were expecting
the Baudelaire children days ago.

Dr. Montgomery's supposed to be
their new guardian.

That's what the Baudelaire parents wanted,
in case of fire.

What went wrong?
Why haven't we seen them?

Mr. Poe listened to the advice
of a consultant.

A consultant? Dear God.
Why would anyone listen to a consultant?

I'll give you a hint.
His name rhymes with rice pilaf.

Are you free Friday night
to attend the theater?

We might be able
to get things back on track

without calling attention to ourselves.

Of course.
But what shall we do until then?

Could you cut these ropes for me?

The children must be so frightened.

We're all frightened, Gustav.

Sunny must be so frightened.

We're all frightened, Klaus.
You should get some sleep.

-But you're dismantling my bed.
-Use Sunny's.

You stayed up all last night trying
to find out Count Olaf's plot.

It's my turn.

I didn't help us.

Yes, you did.
You just didn't finish the job.

Remember when our parents
first brought Sunny home?

She bit the doorknob off the nursery.

Mother and Father...

they made me promise
to always look after you two

and make sure
you don't get into any trouble.

Let me keep my promise.

Having a brilliant idea isn't as easy
as turning on a light.

But just as a single bulb can illuminate
even the most depressing of rooms,

the right idea can shed light
on a depressing situation.

As inventing workshops go,

Count Olaf's bathroom was small
and dimly lit.

But the inventing area in Violet's mind
was large and bright...

and inside of it was everything
she needed.

Oh, Olaf, that is perfect.

It's so wonderful that,
in addition to your many talents,

you have a marvelous eye for fashion.

-Without being a sissy.
-Without being a sissy.

What was that?

I think what's-his-name is shaving.

Right. Tell me if this is too much.
Baby's breath.

I thought you were marrying the older one.

No.

No, sprigs of baby's breath
in Violet's hair.

Oh!

"The most beautiful thing
we can experience is the mysterious."

"It is the source
of all true art and science."

How pleasant that you could join us.

What are you gonna do with me?

-I said have a seat.
-No, you didn't.

- Hello?
- Boss, it's me.

Who? Be specific.

Me. Your henchman with the--

-Hand problem? What do you want?
-Yeah.

Your blushing bride just climbed up here
to try and rescue the biting brat.

-Well, how'd she do that?
-Oh, I don't know.

-Well, take a guess.
-Um... Well, some sort of, uh--

-Some sort of what?
-Uh, ropey thing.

-It was a grappling hook.
-She says it was a grappling hook.

-Where'd she get a grappling hook?
-I don't know, boss.

-She's mine.
-No, yes, boss, of course

I understand she's yours.

-Stay there. I'll be right up.
-Uh... okay.

-Goodbye.
-Over and out.

-Over? What is that supposed to mean?
-"Over and out"?

Oh, um...

-I mean. I think it's--
-It's what?

-It's kind of an... a, uh...
-Kind of an a what?

-Walkie-talkie slang for goodbye.
-Say that.

I'm sorry. Okay, fine. Yeah.

-Well, for God... See you soon.
-Okay. Goodbye.

Count Olaf is very displeased
with his bride.

I'm not his bride.

Oh, very soon you will be.

Which means that I will soon be
your henchperson-in-law.

You know, some people say
that the hardest job in the world

is raising a child.

But it is nothing compared to conceiving,
writing, directing, producing

and performing
in a theatrical presentation

for the purposes
of stealing their dead parents' fortune.

It's a very difficult job,

and I will not have
any orphans mucking it up.

You'll never touch our fortune.

Klaus...

I'll touch whatever I want.

When the sand runs out in the...

um...

whatchamacallit...

your sister will be married to me.

What happened? Why are we up here?

Tried to rescue Sunny using an invention
of mine to climb up the tower.

It's so high.
You must have been terrified.

It's not as scary as the thought
of marrying Count Olaf.

I'm sorry it didn't work.

The invention worked fine.
I just got caught.

We've got to rescue Sunny
and get out of here

before the sand runs out of the hourglass.

I didn't realize the sand went so quickly.
I bought it online.

You're gonna need to flip it
a couple of times, like, okay?

And don't touch the baby!

-It's gonna be okay, Sunny.
-Just hang in there.

It's okay.
He didn't mean it as a joke.

Do you think you could invent something
to help us escape?

Maybe.

Do you think you could research a way
to get us out of the wedding?

Maybe.

I am certain
that over the course of your own life,

you have noticed that certain rooms

reflect the personalities
of the occupants.

For instance...

in my own lonely room, I have...

gathered a collection of things
which are important to me,

including all of my notes
on the Baudelaire orphans,

a few crucial objects
that I have gathered in my travels

and...

a blurry photograph...

taken a long time ago,
of a woman named Beatrice,

which I look at from time to time
while writing this account

from across what was once
a prominent theater,

no more able to help the Baudelaires

than the objects
they found in Count Olaf's tower room.

If we had kerosene,
we could make Molotov cocktails

with those old wine bottles.

-What are Molotov cocktails?
-They're small bombs.

If we throw them out the window,
we could attract attention.

But we don't have any kerosene.

If you don't say "I do" and you don't sign
the document with your own hand,

then you won't be legally married.

But then Olaf will drop Sunny
off the tower.

Certainly would.

Come, orphans.
It's time for the big event.

My associate here...

Hello, good to see you again.

...will stay with your sister
and we will be in constant contact

with the use of these walkie-talkies.

If anything goes wrong
during tonight's performance,

your sister will be dropped to her death.
Shall we?

- We'll be back soon, Sunny.
- Don't worry.

Come on.

Count Olaf, Eleanora Poe,
from the Daily Punctilio.

Taking the role of a handsome man
is certainly a brave choice.

Is it a stretch for you?

Well, as an actor, I think live theater
is a much more powerful medium

than, say, streaming television.

And how do you respond to rumors
that this whole production

-is nothing more than an evil plot?
-Evil plot?

The only evil plot going on
is the one you'll see on stage.

Take your seats.

-All right, curtain 8:00 p.m.
-Check.

-Intermission, 9:15.
-Check.

Act two, 9:30,
unless concession sales are strong.

-Check.
-The wedding will be around 10:00 p.m.,

followed by champagne toasts,
reception with cake and finger food,

then the after-party at the Mexican place.

Check.

I'm just glad the Baudelaires
are adjusting to their new life.

I had my doubts about Count Olaf,

but now that I see he's putting
three young children in the theater,

all my anxieties are put to rest.

You two will stay right here
until the wedding scene.

Any sort of funny business,
and it's curtains for your baby sister.

You see, "curtains" means that your sister
will be dropped out of the window,

but it's also a sort of play
on theatrical curtains.

One minute to curtain.

-You look great.
-Don't distract me with idle chatter.

I'm trying to get into character.

Now, Justice Whatever,
sit here until the wedding scene.

Remember, you must use the exact
same wording you use in an actual wedding.

Get it absolutely right.

There's talent scouts in the audience
looking for new actresses about your age.

Talent scouts! Oh, my!

Justice Strauss, may we speak to you?

Don't distract me with idle chatter.
I am trying to get into character.

Change of plans. Sit here.
Don't distract her.

Your better side.

Rubber baby, baby, baby.
Rubber baby...

Rubber baby, baby...

Rubber baby, baby, baby.

Rubber baby, baby, baby.

-Rubber baby, baby, baby.
-Showtime.

-All right, all right.
-All right, all right.

-Rubber bubber... Baby bubber.
-Rubber bubber...

Here I am,
literally standing at the edge of a pond.

He's not literally standing
at the edge of a pond.

He's figuratively standing
at the edge of a pond.

What is a very handsome man
like me to do about it...

except perform a lengthy soliloquy?

Don't suppose you know how to play poker.

Would you like to deal?

Please, lady pharaohs,

I am very handsome,
but I am only one man.

By the waters of the Nile,
this very handsome man shall be mine.

By the shape of the pyramids,
I'll kill you if I can't have him.

He's so handsome.

Okay, if I win this hand,
you give me a backrub,

but if you win again,
I'll put tape on my mouth.

Please, Duchess.

I am very handsome,
but I am only one man.

By the turrets of Gravelstein,
this very handsome man shall be mine.

By the Gardens of Worthington,

if I can't have him,
my heart will literally break.

Figuratively.
"My heart will figuratively break."

Why, what handsome adventures I have had,

only to end up at this same pond
on this...

my wedding day!

Say your line.

Do you...

take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

-Do you take this woman--
-Man.

Man. Do you take this man...

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

By the powers vested in me
by going to law school,

I now pronounce you Count and Countess.

Mazel tov.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to make an announcement.

There is no need to continue
with tonight's performance.

For its purpose has been served.

This has not been a scene of fiction.

My marriage to Violet Baudelaire
is perfectly legal,

and I am now in control
of her entire fortune.

That can't be true!

On the contrary, Judgikins,

the law of the land clearly states
that the bride must say "I do"

and sign the appropriate document
in her own hand.

And all of you,
ladies and gentlemen, are witnesses.

Violet is only a child.
She's not old enough to marry.

She is if her legal guardian allows it.

And in addition to being her husband,
I am also her legal guardian.

But that piece of paper's
not an official document.

It's... it's just a stage prop.

If you look closely enough,

I think you'll see that
it is figuratively real.

-Literally.
-I said literally.

I'm afraid this marriage
is entirely binding.

Violet...

you said "I do" and signed this paper
in your own hand.

Count Olaf,
you are now Violet's legal husband.

And?

And a vile and terrible person.

A vile and terrible person

who is in complete control
of the Baudelaires' entire fortune.

This is absolutely horrendous.
I won't allow it!

I'm afraid there's nothing you can do.

Count Olaf is correct.

This marriage is legally binding.

I am so sorry, Baudelaires.

I can't believe how easily I was tricked.

You were easily tricked!

It was child's play, winning this fortune.

And now, a reception to celebrate
my special day. Hit it!

Oh, thank you.

Stop.

First, let Sunny go.

Where is Sunny?

I'm afraid she's tied up at the moment,

if you'll forgive my little joke.

See, it's a little play on words.
"All tied up" is a figurative--

You promised to let her go!

Oh, and what kind of husband would I be
if I didn't keep my promises?

Drop the pip-squeak to her death.

No.

You idiot! What are you doing?

Well, I had to bring her here.
She had a straight flush.

So, you escaped, you little dishrag.

Well, I'm still married to Violet,
and I will dispense with you

on our honeymoon.

Care to dance, Countess?

I'm not a Countess.
At least I don't think I am.

-Wait.
-And why not, pray tell?

I didn't sign the document in my own hand,
as the law states.

Don't lie to me, orphan.
Everyone saw you.

Yes, there were several hundred witnesses,
not to mention those on the mezzanine.

But I'm right-handed,

and I signed the document
with my left hand.

Well, that doesn't count.

You're just being a sore loser and trying
to ruin my special day.

With all due respect,

I think Justice Strauss
ought to tell us if it counts.

That's right.

That's right. I should tell you.
I am a judge.

Let me think.

I don't know.

What?

You should never be afraid to admit
that you don't know something.

This is a very complicated case.

It would take
a formidable legal scholar to solve it.

May I have a blackboard, please?

In the respected legal tome,
Nuptial Law,

John Locke's
1690s groundbreaking work is cited,

postulating that the law of the land
rests on the...

As you can well imagine,
Klaus' legal argument

had all the apocryphal insight
of Thurgood Marshall

and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells,
a phrase which here means

it was thoroughly impressive
and utterly convincing.

And so, as Martin Luther King said,

"Morality cannot be legislated,
but behavior can be regulated.

Judicial decrees
may not change the heart...

but they can restrain the heartless."

Ah! That moral argument

had all the apocryphal insight
of Thurgood Marshall

and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells.

It was thoroughly impressive
and utterly convincing.

And I am happy to say
that because Violet,

who is right-handed,
signed the document with her left hand,

the marriage is invalid.

Well, you may not be my wife,
but you are still my daughter.

Do you honestly believe I will allow you

to continue to care
for these three children

after the treachery
I've seen here tonight?

I'm even considering firing your associate

- as my secretary.
- Hear, hear!

Jacquelyn, is that you?

-Where have you been?
-I was kidnapped

by Count Olaf's associates
and tied to a tree

before I could tell you that
the Baudelaires' uncle, Dr. Montgomery,

was designated by the parents
as their legal guardian

and has been waiting to hear from you.

-Dr. Montgomery?
-I've never heard of him.

Well, you are hereby rehired
as my secretary

with an 8% increase in salary.

The Baudelaires will be sent
to a suitable guardian

and this series of unfortunate events
has come to a close.

As for you, Count Olaf...

I'll get my hands on your fortune
if it's the last thing I do.

And when I have it,

I will tear you and your siblings
from limb to limb.

Not funny, guys.

Olaf? Olaf?

Olaf!

He's escaped!

Wait until the readers
of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!

You have to capture him!
You have to go after him!

You let the authorities worry about that.

You children, come home with me.

Sorry, but the children must come with me.

I cannot allow the Baudelaires to be
raised by someone who is not a relative.

What?
After all Justice Strauss has done for us?

We never would've figured out
Count Olaf's plan

without Justice Strauss and her library.

That may be so,
but your parents' will is very specific.

He's right.

There's a vigorously fixed destination
your parents had in mind for you,

and it is not with Count Olaf
or Justice Strauss.

Well...

goodbye, children.

I'll miss you very much.

We'll miss you, too.

Come along, Baudelaires.

Goodbye.

Bye!

-Where are we gonna go now, boss?
-To a vigorously fixed destination.

Some things in life are difficult
to understand,

even after years and years
of thinking about 'em

while wandering alone
through desolate landscapes...

usually during the off-season.

Gustav, have the Baudelaires arrived
at Dr. Montgomery's?

Repeat. Have the Baudelaires arrived
at Dr. Montgomery's?

Not yet.

But I'm literally standing
at the edge of a pond. Ow!

I have a lead on our missing parents.
They're alive, but they've been--

The world is quiet here.

Gustav?

Gustav?

The Baudelaires
did not understand

why they were now off toward
an unknown relative

instead of living with Justice Strauss.

But as with so many
unfortunate events in life,

just because you don't understand it,
doesn't mean it isn't so.

Usually, our theatrical reviews
are the most boring part of the paper.

But I bet you little stage hogs
are about to make the front page again.

The front page!

It seemed to the children
that they were moving in an aberrant,

a word which here means "very, very wrong,
and causing much grief," direction.

Things are worse than we thought.

They almost always are.

Every moment the children are without us
drags them deeper into danger.

Then we don't have a moment to lose.

What's a woman like you building
in a place like this?

Grappling hook.

Molotov cocktail.

-You?
-Leave no stone unturned.