Original subtitles

(HUMS)

Hm.

- Arsenio Hall! - Woo! Woo! Woo!

Team Two take the prison. We get the villa.

Little Sister, this is Big Brother, we are in the ballpark.

ASSISTANT COMMANDER: Big Brother, Little Sister. We're at the prison.

(DOG BARKS)

(DOG BURPS)

(HUMS BRAHM'S LULLABY)

(GROWLS)

HARBINGER: Little Sister, Big Brother. Are you in position?

Big Brother, Little Sister, affirmative. Attack in 30.

Starting now.

Hm!

(VACUUM SUCKS)

Ooh! Ooh!

Ah, ah. Ooh.

ASSISTANT COMMANDER: Six...

...five, four, three, two...

It's an ambush!

Alka-Seltzer!

Whoa!

Ahh!

ASSISTANT COMMANDER: Big Brother! Harbinger, where are you?

Ahh!

Ahh! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Oh!

IRAQI COMMANDER: Surrender, Yankee infidels! You have no chance.

Off to prison, American Satans.

(SHRIEKS)

Americans were shocked by the announcement of the failure

of yet another mission to rescue hostages from the Middle East.

Informed sources reveal that the rescue team itself has been captured

and added to those already being held.

Reports also indicate that an attempt on the life

of a terrorist dictator was thwarted at the same time.

With the election 10 days away, it may be a setback for the White House.

Presidential challenger Senator Gray Edwards

commented on the failed mission.

This is no time for partisan politics.

Bringing our people home should be our priority.

Despite this crisis, the president put on his best political face

continuing on his campaign schedule.

Benson's 20-point lead in the poll six months ago

has plummeted since the hostage crisis began.

The CNN/Victoria's Secret catalog poll

has the president and Edwards running neck and neck.

Today, Benson made a brief stop in Fergus Falls, Virginia

- for a groundbreaking of a library. - You took my baby!

The five living former chief executives

Presidents Bush, Reagan, Carter, Ford and Nixon

were on hand for the groundbreaking ceremony.

Correspondent Jeri Kelter reports on this historic moment.

The library is to be built near the Fergus Falls Civic Center.

- President Benson made no statements. - Oh! My knee!

Publicly, he seemed unaware of the political blow he had been dealt.

Privately, aides marveled at his spirit as he performed his morning routine

by milking the White House goats

and eating two helpings of grapefruit and creamed corn.

Tonight, the president and his top advisers will burn the midnight oil.

Sabotage.

My God, man, what does it mean?

We must tighten security, sir. Find out who's behind it.

No, no, no. The word "sabotage." What does it mean?

Someone's subverting our mission, sir.

One of our own may be aiding the enemy.

- (KNOCKING) - Come in!

Mr. President.

Oh, Jesus! Don't you ever sneak up on me like that again.

What is it, Bob?

If Edwards hears of this, he'll use it against you.

- He'll try to prove you're incompetent. - I can prove that too.

Mr. President, the CIA can't afford another failure.

We'll send Colonel Walters to get our people.

To ensure success, we need Topper Harley.

MICHELLE: We've located him in the Far East.

Topper Harley.

We've served together before, sir. There's no one better.

- Cookie? - Not me, sir.

- Young lady? - No, thank you.

No, no, I was just offering him a young lady.

Oh, yeah, Topper Harley.

Good. I love the boy. Kid's got guts.

There isn't a fighting man on this planet that can...

Gotcha! Listening at the door, huh?

Well, Walters, looks like we've got our saboteur.

That's your wife, sir.

Huh! Yeah, so it is.

Lavinia. You're looking as lovely as the day we met.

Find out what she knows.

As for you, get me Topper Harley.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(GRUNTS)

Hm?

Gummi Bears, Gummi Bears! Sprinkles, sprinkles!

Gummi Bears, Gummi Bears! Sprinkles, sprinkles...

(SHOUTS)

You fight!

USHER: Aisle 5, mezzanine, to your left.

PROGRAM SELLER: Get your program right here. Program!

SUBWAY CUSTOMER: One pig snout sandwich.

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

Both fighters are showing signs of fatigue.

ANNOUNCER: They aren't moving around the ring as much.

Hey, this is where your conditioning pays off.

TOPPER: Coochie-coochie-coo. Coochie-goo.

WOMAN'S VOICE: You win!

Topper, Topper, Topper, Topper...

Topper Harley!

Mmm.

Topper.

I don't believe it.

- Topper. - Colonel.

- Good to see you again. - Yeah, you too.

You want to tell me about it?

Well, they let me live here.

I help out fixing things.

It's peaceful. Quiet.

No one is allowed to talk.

And that dim sum fighting in the warehouse yesterday?

I do that for the extra money.

And to satisfy my male cravings to kill and win.

Colonel, who are they?

She's CIA.

- The other man's an extra. - Ah.

What does she do?

Heads up Middle East covert operations.

Reports directly to Benson.

TOPPER: Colonel, these men have taken a supreme vow of celibacy.

Like their fathers and grandfathers.

They haven't seen a woman in decades.

WALTERS: Miss Huddleston!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

This is Michelle Huddleston.

Topper Harley.

Pleasure.

- You're not easy to find. - Why are you keeping track?

It's like the colonel says:

Good men are hard to find.

I don't know what you know about the last war,

but some of our men were missing in action.

On two occasions we sent in squads to rescue those men.

Both squads failed.

We must get the men who went to get the men who went to get the men.

- I'm here to make sure we succeed. - What's this got to do with me?

I'm going this time.

- We want you to go with him. - Why me, ma'am?

Because you're the best of what's left.

My war is over.

Mmm... Ah!

It's a few extra dollars now.

But you'll make that back on your heating bill.

We're gonna caulk the ashram if you want to stop by.

Thanks, Bob.

This mission's important. We've got to take care of our people.

Come with me.

When are you gonna put Ramada behind you?

- What are you saying? - You say your war is over.

Maybe the one out there is, but not the one inside you.

You running from the pain won't solve anything.

Because wherever you go, you take the pain with you.

You've come an awful long way to lecture me.

You were hurt when that woman left.

You're using that to hide from who you really are.

- That was a long time ago. - MICHELLE: Thank you. Next!

I don't want it.

Nice butt.

Topper, let me tell you a little story.

It seems there were three bears.

One day when their porridge was too hot, they took a walk.

A little blond girl skipped through the woods

and she ate their porridge and sat in their chairs

and slept in their beds.

And when those bears returned and discovered that mess...

- Do you know what happened then? - No.

That little blond girl got scared.

Ran away.

So, what you're saying is, that little blond girl is me.

So I should color my hair...

Topper, they didn't make you this fighting machine.

They just cooked up the porridge and went for a walk.

You won't stop running until you face your three bears.

Ramada.

Colonel.

I'm sorry.

It has to end for me sometime.

If you should change your mind

here's my 900 number.

It's $5.00 a minute. I'll waive the charges.

WALTERS: ...your three bears.

Ramada. Ramada. Ramada.

If our lips should meet Inamorata

Don Corleone.

Kiss me, kiss me sweet Inamorata

Hold me close And say goodnight

With a love As warm as wine

I'm at heaven's door Inamorata

Want you more and more Inamorata

You're a symphony

A very beautiful sonata My inamorata

Say that you're my sweetheart My love

You're a symphony

A very beautiful sonata My inamorata

Say that you're my sweetheart My love

Hey, what's wrong, kid?

I love you so much.

But it's such a crazy world. I don't want anything to happen to us.

Don't worry.

In a few days, we'll be on the train to Hawaii.

We'll find a minister to marry us, and we'll never be apart.

But if something should keep us apart?

If one of us can't make it to Blenheim Train Station?

Like, for instance,

if something came up unexpectedly.

Not that I think it would. Or it already has.

Wherever I'll be, I want you to know that...

Kiss me.

Kiss me like you've never kissed me before.

You will denounce the criminal acts against our people by your president.

Sign here. Initial here, here, and here.

Phil!

(GROANS)

Sign the document.

I see you're no stranger to pain.

I've been married.

- Twice. - Oy!

Like the previous six, this victim was found folded neatly in half

inside the glove compartment of a sanitation truck.

Police are baffled.

This just in.

Presidential military adviser Colonel Denton Walters

has been captured during an aborted attempt to free our hostages.

This tape was delivered to us just moments ago.

They are treating me good here.

The food is tasty and nourishing.

The peaceful leader of this country

has asked me to appeal to you, Mr. President

to stop your vicious, imperialistic tactics around the globe.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome

to His Excellency, the Prime Minister of Japan

Mishahuru Soto and Mrs. Soto.

The president of the United States, Thomas Benson.

Mr. President, this is Prime Minister Mishahuru Soto and Mrs. Soto.

President Benson, where's your first lady?

I don't know. I've had lots of women. Lost my flower at the age of 15.

I can't keep track.

Let's get this over with. I feel ill.

My intestines were removed during action in the North Atlantic.

Took a torpedo in the gut. My bowels were replaced with hemp.

- Clogs easily. - I hope you feel better.

Well, my lips to yours.

ANNOUNCER: The junior senator from Minnesota, Gray Edwards.

President Benson, Prime Minister Soto,

ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight we put election politics aside as I join you

as majority whip and chairman of the Foreign Affairs Committee

in welcoming the Japanese prime minister

and his lovely wife to these United States.

- Our two great nations have begun... - (STOMACH RUMBLES)

...what we hope will be a long and successful dialogue.

(VOMITS)

Ptooh!

- ANNOUNCER: Not only... - I don't remember eating that.

I feel better now. It's that raw fish odor.

It makes...

Oh, God.

Look at that! Those my teeth?

ANNOUNCER: Only to continue in the highest spirit...

Yeah. They're filthy!

And so I would like to propose a toast.

- Oh, thank you, Yoko. - I'll take that, sir.

To world peace.

To a clean environment.

To harmony with our planet and world prosperity.

Thank you.

Looking for a place to sit, lieutenant?

I must talk to the president. Can you arrange that?

- You'd be amazed what I can do. - It's my fault they got Walters.

I want to go in.

You showed up just in time. We leave in the morning.

I'm taking charge of this mission. You mind working under a woman?

ANNOUNCER: And now, the president of the United States, Thomas Benson.

Prime Minister Tojo, Senator Edwards,

my fellow Americans and our millions of illegal aliens.

It seems like only yesterday I was strafing your homes.

Here I am today, begging you not to make such good cars.

Excuse me. I need a glass of water.

Damn tongue's dry. It's not mine, you know.

Lost mine in Laos. Little commie lopped it off.

It's probably a doorstop somewhere. Got this one from a basset hound.

Get the car.

President Benson.

No, you're not.

I've seen him. He's older, about my height.

Sir, this is Topper Harley.

Topper. Yes, of course. Son I never had.

Well, no damn wonder I didn't recognize you then.

Word of advice, don't call yourself the president.

I wouldn't, neither should you. It doesn't hold water.

For that matter, neither do I. Let's get away from these power cables.

- I'd like to join the next mission. - God bless you, boy.

This one's on the QT.

It's called "Secret Mission to Get Walters and Our Boys Back."

When you come back, I'm gonna throw you wonderful guys a party.

And there should be plenty to eat.

I doubt more than half of you will return.

Thank you.

Got a light, lieutenant?

I quit smoking.

Besides, I don't think it's allowed here.

What are they gonna do, arrest me for smoking?

(CREAKS)

- I know what to get you for Christmas. - A Thighmaster? I've broken three.

Really?

Let's go to my apartment and discuss our mission.

I'm putty in your hands.

In my hands, nothing turns to putty.

DRIVER: Hmm.

(SQUEAKS)

(HONKS)

Hm?

Ah. Ah.

(MICHELLE MOANS)

Oh.

(BED SQUEAKS)

(MOANS)

Yippee! Woo-hoo!

Yippee-ki-yay! Woo!

ANNOUNCER: In an emotional address at the state capitol

Nebraska Governor, Paul Burmaster,

made a public apology for his state being so flat.

Where are you?

I don't know.

What's wrong?

My arm's asleep.

No, something else.

My leg too.

Please, you can tell me.

Well...

Topper.

I have to wee-wee.

Look, I told myself last night was just going to be last night.

I guess I just never counted on finding a guy so deep, so sensitive.

I've fallen for you, Topper.

I've fallen for you big time.

There's someone else, isn't there?

I have no idea what you mean.

Women sense these things.

I said there's no one.

I'm fine.

I know about Ramada, Topper. I read your dossier.

She must be quite a woman.

And what if she was?

Was?

ANNOUNCER: Last call for Train 590 for Glendale, San Francisco and Honolulu.

Board! Board!

I told you. Warned you twice.

Harley.

- Topper Harley. - Right here.

RAMADA: I cannot go with you or ever see you again.

Just believe that I love you.

You must be brave, my darling.

This card is printed on recycled paper.

(THUNDERS)

(SHOUTING)

HARBINGER: Sergeant pick that up. Someone could trip over it.

Which one of you is Michelle Huddleston?

She is.

I'm glad you're here. The hostages are being moved.

I'm Commander Armin Harbinger. I'm in charge.

Sorry, commander. Presidential orders.

We're in charge now.

MICHELLE: Any questions? HARBINGER: No, ma'am.

Harley, I've been there.

I've seen the enemy. If you're not ready, you won't make it.

I've fired a couple of guns.

I'll assemble the men, with your permission.

Gentlemen, Ms. Huddleston, CIA, and Lieutenant Topper Harley.

We're working for them.

Williams, com sync pac ram set MOS 92-H tact op spec patty-wack.

- Patty-wack? - Give a dog a bone, sir.

Of course.

Rabinowitz, demolition. Can't wait to blow something up for you.

I look forward to it.

Commander Harbinger advised me we have 11 hours to free the prisoners.

After that, we may lose them forever.

This is the prison camp area.

It's heavily guarded, but they won't expect an attack from the jungle.

Your contact, code name Bench Press, will lead you to the camp.

I'll meet you at the rendezvous point.

Good luck.

Topper!

I know we haven't had much time together

but when you go into battle, take something of mine with you.

Your lucky mole.

Topper, what are you reading?

Great Expectations.

- Is it any good? - It's not all I hoped for.

Know what I'm gonna do if we make it?

I'm gonna go back to Eagle River and marry my gal, Edith Mae.

Gonna get us a nice little place with a white picket fence.

You know the kind.

Two-car garage.

Maybe a fishing boat.

And in 15 years, when they're all paid for,

I'll set my charges and blow the shit out of them.

You got a girl, Topper?

Penny to Sky King, no parents in sight. Party is on.

Green, green, green...

Hook up.

Geronimo!

Me!

Ahh.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

(YELLS)

Thanks, brothers.

(CHOKES)

Jeez!

Stop it!

- Ramada. - Topper.

- What are you doing here? - This is Bench Press, our contact.

- I didn't know. - You know each other?

Yes. Yes, we do.

It's been a long time.

- Let's see, the last time we met... - Was The Flurvian Sea.

- You remember? - I remember every detail.

The sky was blue. You wore gray. I was in chiffon.

Topper, there's so much to say.

You're as pretty as when you dumped me.

You've changed.

That beauty mark.

It was a... It's a gift.

HARBINGER: Very touching, but it's no time to reminisce.

We must be at the rendezvous point in seven hours or we miss our pickup.

It's your show, hero.

Let's move out.

Follow me.

We're late. I know a shortcut.

(BUZZING)

WOMAN: The meat's smoking. MAN: Shut up.

- Let's take it off the grill. - Leave me alone.

- Frank, you're drunk again. - Whose fault is that?

This is the best way to the prison compound.

They see many boats, so they won't be suspicious.

There are clothes in the wheelhouse.

TOPPER: Somebody once wrote, "Hell is the impossibility of reason."

That's what this place feels like. Hell.

I hate it already, and it's only been a few hours.

I'm so tired. We get up at 5:00...

MARTIN SHEEN: At first I thought they'd handed me the wrong dossier.

I couldn't believe they wanted him dead.

Third generation West Point. Top of his class.

Korea, Airborne,

about a thousand decorations, et cetera, et cetera.

I loved you in Wall Street!

(BEEPS A CODE)

An enemy control boat has changed course and is heading for our people.

Send the alert.

Hello, Lucky. Report my signal.

OPERATOR: Report my signal. Over.

Hello, George Mike Walters. Strength three. Over.

Recon reports Indians on the warpath in your area. Over.

No Indians here. Over.

Do not take literally. Repeat. Do not take literally.

The vultures are circling the carcass. Repeat.

The vultures are circling the carcass.

I see a couple of gulls, but...

Pit bull's out of the cage. Crips are raiding the store.

Hey, you yanking my crank?

They see a woman, they will know we are masquerading.

Only men are allowed to do the fishing.

Topper.

Why did you have to come here now?

Of all the missions in all the jungles...

...you had to walk into this one. - I tried to stay away.

I thought I'd never see you again, that you were out of my life.

But it's a sequel. I had to come.

Do you know what the critics will say?

- "Same warmed-over characters..." - Topper, stop it.

You're only using this whole casting thing as an excuse

to hide what's hurting you.

Hurt? Maybe. Once.

But I knew this day would come.

I knew one day you'd come crawling back

begging for forgiveness. Groveling, sniveling,

pleading for another chance.

Sorry, sweetheart, but this all-day sucker is down to the soggy stick.

No, Topper, you don't understand.

I'm married. I was married before you and I ever met.

I'm still married today.

- You're joking. - I'm not.

- You've got to be. - If I was joking I would say,

"A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Why the long face?"'

You are married.

- Why didn't you tell me? - I thought he was dead.

He worked for the CIA, training pilots in Germany.

Highest security.

They told me he died over Villenshtoben.

The day before we were to go

I got word he was alive, in a hospital in Berlin.

I had to go to him.

They ordered me not to tell anyone.

- I know how you must feel. - You do, huh?

You know how it feels to have your heart shot

and tied to the hood of a car?

To be passed like a large kidney stone?

Ramada,

I don't think so.

(ALARM SOUNDS)

Patrol boat!

Remember, we're not American. These boys aren't stupid.

Where's Harbinger?

Shut off your engine.

Shut off your engine. We're boarding.

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Hm.

Kareem of Onion! Al Jarreau!

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Go on! Get out of here!

Take that to the bank and cash it!

Swim for shore!

Save yourselves!

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Swim for it! I'll catch up.

Go!

Omar Sharif!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

(GUN CLICKS)

Whoa!

Topper?

ANNOUNCER: President Benson is returning to Washington today

to speak to the nation in what experts are calling

the pivotal address of his political career.

- How is the speech coming, sir? - Hm?

Oh, I'm practicing my A's.

- This look like an A to you? - Yes, sir.

All right.

What's that, Bill?

We just received word from Michelle. Harley is missing.

- His boat has been demolished. - Oh, damn it!

(GEROU SCREAMS)

Every time I give an order, it gets screwed up!

Plan a reception, wrong hors d'oeuvres.

Appoint an ambassador, he leaves the country.

Mr. President, we need a plan.

This may be our last chance to get the hostages out.

All right.

Here's where we are and here is where they are.

- Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. - Oh, no time for prayer, Bob.

- Here's the target area. - That's Minnesota, sir.

Damn it, man, that's the genius of my plan.

Why go over there to fight? We can do it right here at home.

- Sir, the enemy is over there. - Then we'll fly them over here.

Their families too. We'll teach them to skate...

- Do I have to think of everything? - But the hostages!

It is imperative that you act now!

Topper?

TOPPER: Whoooaaa.

Topper! You made it!

That's right, Cindy, it's 23 minutes past the hour.

And now here's the Buckinghams with Kind of a Drag.

You're bleeding.

I'll be all right.

Something else bothers me a lot more.

Harbinger, where were you when the patrol boat arrived?

Below, sweeping the boat for bombs. What are you accusing me of?

Nothing, yet. But I want you to know I smell a rat.

Don't push me. Before you bagged your first babe,

I was slitting throats for a living.

I'm not saying I don't trust you, and I'm not saying I do. But I don't.

Save it for the enemy. We got a job to do.

Oh, look. I'm cut too.

Oh.

WILLIAMS: They got me too. It's a real gusher.

Let's get going.

There's a guard at the gate.

He's mine.

Wait here.

Topper.

- Topper. - Jesus!

Before we go in, you should know something.

- What now? - Have you heard of Dexter Hayman?

The freedom fighter?

Yeah, he won the Nobel Prize for inventing the artificial appendix.

Exactly. Dexter is one of the captives.

- He's my husband. - You've got to be joking.

If I was joking, I would say,

"A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar..."

Okay, he is your husband.

Topper, I was so young, just a schoolgirl.

He was an older man, so wise in the ways of the world.

He used to come around the schoolyard, day after day.

I so admired his persistence.

Even the restraining order my parents slapped on him was no deterrent.

He opened my eyes to the arts, music, clog-dancing, WrestleMania.

His work has meant so much to so many.

And I owe him everything, Topper.

Everything.

I'm happy for you, kid.

But if you think you can hurt me again, you're wrong.

I left my heart in my other pants.

Go.

(MAN ANSWERS IN ARABIC)

Oy!

Ah!

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

(IMITATES A MONKEY)

(SQUEAKS)

(HORSE WHINNIES)

Ah!

(CHICKEN SQUEALS)

Mm!

(CHICKEN SCREAMS)

Cock-a-doodle-doo.

PRESIDENT: The Iraqi coast.

Oh, those bluffs look treacherous.

Hadn't counted on that.

But if God is on our side, we will rendezvous on Lincoln's wart by noon.

That's it, men.

We're going in!

PRESIDENT: My rescue mission was underway.

But two things kept running through my mind.

Would we get to the men in time?

And why did I bring helium instead of air?

I'll go to the rear.

Take the front door.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

The keys.

(SNORES)

(GUARD MUTTERS IN ARABIC)

(GUARD SNORES)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(LULLABY PLAYS)

- What? - Enough!

(MOUSE SNEEZES)

I'll have a hamburger.

(ALARM SOUNDS)

- Where are the prisoners? - There.

- TOPPER: Let's go! - I'll take the back gate.

Now, that's a hell of a gun.

- Where's Dexter Hayman? - Villa compound 405.

Okay. I'm here.

"Terrorist Mountain."

"It's a Small War." "Pirates of the Persian Gulf."

"Hostage Mover." Ah! "Dexter's Dungeon."

Harbinger, what are you doing here?

I was right, wasn't I? You sabotaged the other missions.

- I find that unacceptable. - You got me wrong.

All these years,

fighting, and shooting and killing.

I just... I can't go on. I...

Hey, hey, hey, rainy face! Hey, proud warrior.

Let the sun come out, you big bad G.I. Joe.

You know, kitten, we all have permission to make mistakes.

It's called "learning."

You give your Uncle Topper

a nice big blow.

I'm done.

Thattaboy.

Thanks. I can kill again.

- You've given me a reason to live. - Good.

Head for the gate. Plenty of bad guys to shoot on the way.

EVERREADY BUNNY: Keeps going, and going, and going, and going.

Nothing outlasts the...

Oh!

Yes!

(IRAQI SOLDIER YELLS)

There's a copter pad half a mile away.

- That's our ticket out. - We can't leave. Not without Dexter.

Topper! Watch out!

(MUSIC PLAYS)

For a moment there, I thought you were...

Gabriella Sabatini?

I get that all the time. It must be the nose.

Ironically, I haven't picked up a racket in years.

You saved my life.

Topper, no matter what happens, I want you to know that

I never stopped loving you.

(ALARM SOUNDS)

Let's move out!

You know how to get to the copter pad.

If I'm not there in 15, you know what to do.

- We get the hell out of here. - No! Wait another 15 minutes.

PRESIDENT: We could hear gunfire from the compound.

From out of nowhere, a patrol boat appeared.

How would we get past the soldiers on that boat?

Then, suddenly, it happened.

(SNIFFING)

Take cover!

Guys.

Jeez!

That's it, good night.

(ROCKET WHISTLES)

War. It's fantastic!

(TOPPER GRUNTS)

(DOG GROWLS)

Drop the gun!

Drop it!

You will die, Yankee bastard man. How you say? Like a dog.

Now march!

March!

I kill you where you stand, you imperialist Yankee-Doodle dork.

Slippery rascal!

Butcher of Baghdad. Hello?

(WOMAN SPEAKS ARABIC)

Well, hello.

Who is it? Who is it?

- Your wife, Hillary Rodham Hussein. - Jesus! I'm so stupid!

I was supposed to pick her up.

Tell her I'm at the gym. No, I'm out of town.

On business. Bombing, gassing, execution.

- Something. Make it up. - I'm sorry. Just missed him.

I owe you one.

Ali MacGraw! My eyes.

You little...! I'm going to split you like a melon!

Now I will kill you until you die from it.

PRESIDENT: In a pig's ear.

- Mr. President! - Suffering succotash!

Looks like the upper hand is on the other foot, Saddam.

Ah-ha.

Uh-oh!

Yes!

My skin's made of asbestos.

Tanning parlor accident at Dien Bien Phu.

Go on about your business. I got a bone to settle with this guy.

Yes, sir. I'll get Dexter.

Let's make this a fair fight.

DARTH VADER'S VOICE: I've been waiting for you, O Big One.

We meet at last. The circle is complete.

- Now I am the master! - Only the master of evil, Saddam.

Your powers are...

NORMAL VOICE: Your powers are weak. You shouldn't have come.

Well, I have. We'll settle this the old Navy way.

First guy to die, loses!

Water. Water! Water, please.

- It's locked. From the inside. - No!

- Damn it! - We're gonna die!

- Get ahold of yourself! - Blow it!

- It's not our property. - Do it. Do it!

SOLDIER: Oh, Mr. Geppetto!

Go ahead. Shoot. You'll get nothing from me.

You are filth. I spit in the face of filth.

- I've come to get you out of here. - You're American.

Yes, from America. Let's go.

My friend, I yearn for freedom as much as anyone

but I run from no man.

You've got to come with me.

I can't walk.

They've tied my shoelaces together.

A knot.

Bastards.

I'm aborting the mission. Envelope is closed. We're lifting off.

TAXI DRIVER: Here you go. It's $4.50.

I didn't think you'd make it.

Onboard. We're getting out.

What about the others? We just can't leave them.

Wait! I can't go any further. I need a drink.

Okay. Right a bit. Whoa, stop there.

Down a bit, down a bit. There. It's not very cold. Is this filtered?

Their artillery will be down on us soon. We have to go.

No! We'll lose Topper and Dexter.

But that's been the idea all along, hasn't it, Michelle?

You're looking beautiful as ever, Ramada. How did you know?

I didn't. It all came together when I saw you here.

I remembered your inscription in my yearbook.

You wrote, "Remember the fun we had in class

"and I'll fuck up your life if it's the last thing I do."

And then I realize where I had last seen this.

What could I have done to make you so vindictive?

Goodness sake. You know each other.

Oh, Ramada, how could you have been so blind?

You were too wrapped up in being Miss Perfect College to notice me.

Why concern yourself with the feelings of one insignificant roommate?

One fabulous day, one incredible experience.

I had no idea it meant so much to you.

I remember that day as if it were yesterday.

The exhilaration of experimenting,

sharing something so new, so dangerous,

- so intimate. - Go on.

RAMADA: And I'll never forget the look on your face.

The way the sweat glistened on your hard body.

Then you tied my ankles.

Tighter. Tighter.

But it just wasn't right. It wasn't natural.

Bungee-jumping is just too dangerous a sport.

Bungee-jumping? That's it?

How could you hurt so many innocent people?

Oh, Ramada! It was always so easy for you.

How could you understand?

I had Dexter imprisoned because I wanted you to suffer

- as much as you made me suffer. - You fool!

When I discovered I couldn't win Topper because

he loved you, I tried to have you killed.

He... He still loves me.

You turned your back on America

because of your jealousy. You're gonna pay for this.

Good doggy!

Ew.

Ah-huh!

Aluminum siding. Ten-year guarantee. No paint needed.

Hm.

Do you have any idea where you're going?

Ha! You missed!

It'll take more than that to stop me, you devils!

Don't jiggle me.

SADDAM: Advil! Midol! Get over here! To the helicopter.

They dicked with the wrong dictator.

This means war!

You better let me handle this, son.

Ew. You're so sweaty.

- WALTERS: I knew you'd make it. - It's about time.

- Michelle. - She's our saboteur.

Can you get me off for old times' sake?

Sorry, precious. You sold out the greatest country in the world.

And to think I wore your mole. Get her out of here.

Dexter?

Ramada.

Oh, dear Dexter. Look what they've done to your shoelaces.

Oh, my darling. You've no idea what I've just been through.

But now we're together again. We have much to look forward to.

I want to do it all. Donahue. Geraldo.

Sally Jessy. Oh, and who's that black chick?

- Oprah. - Yes! Yes. Her too.

Let's go! It's getting hot here.

I'm going back for the president.

Topper!

I'm staying here with you.

Get on that helicopter with Dexter, where you belong.

Why? I thought you loved me.

Ramada, I do love you. I've tried to forget you

but no matter what, your face is on the tip of my tongue.

Then let me stay with you.

Ramada, I want to be with you. I want to hold you.

Meet your parents and pet your dog.

My parents are dead. My dog ate them.

I'm sorry. We both know you belong with Dexter.

You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going.

I'm not being noble, but do you have any idea what'd happen if you stay?

Of course I do.

Sex. Wild, free, passionate, unbridled sex.

I'd fondle you in ways you can't imagine.

I would pleasure you at any time, in any place, in any way,

for as long as you could possibly desire.

You better get going. You'll miss your takeoff.

Goodbye, Topper. God bless you.

Wait, let me get a shot of you two.

It'll be great for the talk shows. Let's frame this up.

Closer together. Come on. Don't be shy.

Put your arm around her.

I've almost got it. This is a great shot.

My God, you're gonna love this!

You know, under other circumstances, you'd make a great couple.

Oh, well. Say che...

You're moving too much. Quit spinning!

This'll make me rich and f...

- He really was a wiener! - Don't get me started.

Hold it there! Hold it!

This buggy going to America?

I was afraid we'd lost you!

Lost? Not a chance.

Shove over! I get the window seat.

- SOLDIER: They're in my sights. - Just a second! This is personal.

We're too heavy. We need to lose weight.

STUDIO ANNOUNCER: Hot Shots! Part Deux was filmed in Hollywood

in front of a live studio audience.