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1
00:00:03,819 --> 00:00:08,256
Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler
2
00:00:08,619 --> 00:00:12,168
If you thInk we're on the run?
3
00:00:13,659 --> 00:00:18,096
We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game
4
00:00:18,339 --> 00:00:22,810
We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn
5
00:00:23,059 --> 00:00:27,735
'Cause who do you thInkyou are kIddIng, Mr HItler
6
00:00:28,059 --> 00:00:32,257
If you thInk old England's done?
7
00:00:32,979 --> 00:00:37,450
Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8..2 1
8
00:00:37,819 --> 00:00:42,335
But he comes home each evenIngand he's ready wIth hIs gun
9
00:00:42,539 --> 00:00:47,329
So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler
10
00:00:47,499 --> 00:00:51,856
If you thInk old England's done?
11
00:00:59,019 --> 00:01:01,692
James Frazer.
12
00:01:02,499 --> 00:01:03,488
(CLEARING THROAT)
13
00:01:03,579 --> 00:01:05,410
As you know, I...
14
00:01:06,259 --> 00:01:07,977
''Dear Mrs Pickering,
15
00:01:08,539 --> 00:01:13,249
''I hope you found the funeral arrangements
for your late husband entirely satisfactory.
16
00:01:14,059 --> 00:01:15,538
''May I say how sorry I was
17
00:01:15,619 --> 00:01:20,295
''that the hearse ran out of petrol
just outside the cemetery.
18
00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:24,770
''I'm sure your dear departed husband
would have been proud
19
00:01:24,859 --> 00:01:28,647
''of the way you helped to push him
to his final resting place.
20
00:01:30,859 --> 00:01:33,373
''And what a fine, strong woman your mother is.
21
00:01:35,139 --> 00:01:37,653
''I hope you managed to get the mud off her skirt.
22
00:01:38,659 --> 00:01:42,538
''To conclude, my final account.'' Let me see.
23
00:01:42,619 --> 00:01:45,531
''One solid oak coffin, ?4 1 5 and threepence.
24
00:01:45,619 --> 00:01:48,008
''One set of brass handles, 1 3 and sixpence.
25
00:01:48,259 --> 00:01:51,410
''Transport fare, ?3 1 4 and twopence.
26
00:01:51,499 --> 00:01:56,573
''That then makes an allowance of ?2...''
No, ''Of 32 shillings.''
27
00:01:56,659 --> 00:01:59,127
Aye. ''And for the last 1 20 yards.
28
00:01:59,219 --> 00:02:02,177
''Total, ?9 two and eleven pence.''
29
00:02:02,339 --> 00:02:04,057
Profit. Profit, let me see.
30
00:02:04,139 --> 00:02:07,688
Profit, ?3 six and eightpence. Three farthings.
31
00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:11,375
Total profit for the week...
32
00:02:12,059 --> 00:02:16,371
?1 8 1 7 and twopence.
33
00:02:17,259 --> 00:02:19,819
Less six and a penny, housekeeping.
34
00:02:22,019 --> 00:02:23,452
Not bad.
35
00:02:24,139 --> 00:02:25,697
Not bad at all.
36
00:02:26,299 --> 00:02:29,769
I'll have a small herring tomorrow as a wee treat.
37
00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:33,530
And I'll be able to buy
38
00:02:34,299 --> 00:02:38,008
two more golden sovereigns.
39
00:02:38,579 --> 00:02:39,978
That'll make...
40
00:02:40,219 --> 00:02:43,529
Let me see, 1 00, 200, 300, 400,
41
00:02:43,699 --> 00:02:48,056
500 and one, two, three, four.
42
00:02:49,219 --> 00:02:52,973
?504, three shillings,
43
00:02:53,619 --> 00:02:57,089
which, in present currency,
44
00:02:58,219 --> 00:02:59,493
is valued
45
00:02:59,939 --> 00:03:06,890
?3,1 02, four shillings.
46
00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:10,452
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
47
00:03:11,979 --> 00:03:16,018
Oh, mercy, mercy. Dinnae do that!
48
00:03:17,539 --> 00:03:20,849
-Who's there?
-It's me, Dr McCeavedy.
49
00:03:23,899 --> 00:03:27,050
Hold on a wee little minute, will you, Doctor?
50
00:03:28,339 --> 00:03:29,613
Oh, dear.
51
00:03:31,459 --> 00:03:34,053
I'll be with you in a minute, son.
52
00:03:35,419 --> 00:03:38,456
I've got something to do
which is just a little important.
53
00:03:38,539 --> 00:03:42,088
But I won't be long, Doctor! Oh, God.
Just a minute.
54
00:03:47,899 --> 00:03:51,255
All right, I'm done. I'm with you.
I'm with you, man.
55
00:03:55,859 --> 00:03:57,770
All right, it's him.
56
00:03:59,019 --> 00:04:02,648
Doctor. Come in, man. Come away in. That's right.
57
00:04:03,419 --> 00:04:04,898
There you are.
58
00:04:05,179 --> 00:04:07,852
I was just listening to ITMA.
59
00:04:07,939 --> 00:04:09,008
Ah.
60
00:04:09,859 --> 00:04:13,454
-Well, I've come about old Mr Brewster.
-Has his time come?
61
00:04:13,539 --> 00:04:15,450
Aye. God rest him.
62
00:04:16,059 --> 00:04:20,257
Dear, oh, dear.
I'll away along and make the arrangements.
63
00:04:20,339 --> 00:04:23,854
Oh, I've come straight here.
He went, oh, not 20 minutes since.
64
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,128
Oh!
65
00:04:26,019 --> 00:04:28,055
Enough time for a wee dram.
66
00:04:28,139 --> 00:04:29,492
(CHUCKLING)
67
00:04:30,859 --> 00:04:31,974
That's it.
68
00:04:32,059 --> 00:04:34,527
-Will you sit down, Doctor?
-Oh, you're kind.
69
00:04:34,619 --> 00:04:36,337
Man, you're welcome.
70
00:04:36,459 --> 00:04:41,817
Aye, welcome. Welcome as the flu inspector.
71
00:04:42,179 --> 00:04:43,658
(CHUCKLING)
72
00:04:44,339 --> 00:04:45,454
No?
73
00:04:47,259 --> 00:04:48,533
Is it level?
74
00:04:52,419 --> 00:04:54,091
Ah, to hell with it. Here.
75
00:04:55,699 --> 00:04:59,135
-Long may your cup be full.
-Hear hear.
76
00:05:02,659 --> 00:05:05,014
-Doing your books, are you?
-Aye.
77
00:05:05,779 --> 00:05:07,610
Will you look at that?
78
00:05:07,739 --> 00:05:10,094
Six and fourpence, it's hardly worthwhile.
79
00:05:12,059 --> 00:05:14,254
God, it's a hard life.
80
00:05:14,619 --> 00:05:16,257
Well, I'll be off, then.
81
00:05:16,339 --> 00:05:17,738
(COINS CRASHING)
82
00:05:17,819 --> 00:05:19,377
Oh, sorry, sorry.
83
00:05:22,339 --> 00:05:24,330
Great Scot. Sovereigns!
84
00:05:24,979 --> 00:05:27,129
Hundreds of gold sovereigns.
85
00:05:28,379 --> 00:05:29,892
Is that a fact?
86
00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,733
I wonder...
87
00:05:35,979 --> 00:05:38,015
I wonder how they got there.
88
00:05:38,619 --> 00:05:40,211
For every tIme It raIns...
89
00:05:41,779 --> 00:05:44,373
You know, I find what you're telling me
almost beyond belief, Doctor.
90
00:05:44,459 --> 00:05:46,529
I saw it, with my own eyes.
91
00:05:46,659 --> 00:05:51,175
He's not my patient, you understand,
so I'm breaching no confidence, but I...
92
00:05:51,259 --> 00:05:54,410
Well, I've formed the impression
that he's a trifle unstable.
93
00:05:55,619 --> 00:05:59,658
Well, I daresay we've found him
a little unpredictable, haven't we, Wilson?
94
00:05:59,739 --> 00:06:03,129
Why no, I don't think so, sir.
I think he's very predictable.
95
00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:06,936
I mean, every time we decide to do anything,
he invariably says,
96
00:06:07,019 --> 00:06:08,737
''It'll be total disaster.''
97
00:06:10,019 --> 00:06:12,453
The point is, if all that gold got stolen,
98
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:16,532
I really think it would turn his mind
without any shadow of doubt.
99
00:06:17,059 --> 00:06:21,689
You need to persuade him to put it all in some,
well, in some place of safety.
100
00:06:22,379 --> 00:06:26,213
Yes. Well, thank you very much
for the gen, Doctor.
101
00:06:26,299 --> 00:06:28,255
I shall do my best for him, you can count on that.
102
00:06:28,339 --> 00:06:29,613
-Thank you, Doctor.
-Thank you.
103
00:06:29,699 --> 00:06:31,178
-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.
104
00:06:32,779 --> 00:06:34,258
Well, what do you make of that?
105
00:06:34,339 --> 00:06:37,331
Well, sir, quite frankly,
I really don't think it's any of our business.
106
00:06:37,419 --> 00:06:39,614
Of course, it's our business.
107
00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:43,214
He's a comrade-in-arms.
As well as a client of the bank.
108
00:06:44,579 --> 00:06:48,492
It's my duty as his commanding officer,
his bank manager and as his friend,
109
00:06:48,579 --> 00:06:51,935
to tell him that he must sell those sovereigns
and buy himself an annuity.
110
00:06:52,019 --> 00:06:54,328
So that you would take the commission.
111
00:06:54,979 --> 00:06:57,698
Ah, yes, I... But that has nothing to do with it.
112
00:06:59,219 --> 00:07:01,050
-Mr Mainwaring?
-Yes.
113
00:07:01,179 --> 00:07:03,977
-Mr Frazer's statement.
-Oh, yes. Thank you very much. Yes.
114
00:07:04,059 --> 00:07:07,734
Just look at that. Poor old man.
He's only got ?1 5 six and eightpence.
115
00:07:10,499 --> 00:07:12,251
We should have a collection for him.
116
00:07:12,339 --> 00:07:15,615
You could organise that. You're good
at organising collections, Mr Mainwaring.
117
00:07:15,699 --> 00:07:16,927
Be quiet, Pike.
118
00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:21,292
?1 5 six and eightpence, eh?
And he's sitting on hundreds of them.
119
00:07:21,379 --> 00:07:22,528
Hundreds of what, Mr Mainwaring?
120
00:07:22,619 --> 00:07:25,850
Pike. Mind your own business, Pike.
121
00:07:27,859 --> 00:07:30,168
And take that thumb out of your mouth.
122
00:07:30,779 --> 00:07:32,007
Sorry.
123
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:36,658
You know, I don't think he uses this account
from one year's end to the next.
124
00:07:37,219 --> 00:07:38,698
Is it coffins?
125
00:07:39,299 --> 00:07:40,937
Is what coffins?
126
00:07:42,059 --> 00:07:43,856
That Mr Frazer's sitting on.
127
00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:48,569
You know,
I have it in the back of my mind, Wilson,
128
00:07:48,659 --> 00:07:51,571
that it's illegal to possess more than five of these.
129
00:07:51,659 --> 00:07:53,456
Don't sound like coffins.
130
00:07:54,939 --> 00:07:57,055
They're supposed to be used
to buy battleships and things.
131
00:07:57,419 --> 00:07:58,818
Not coffins.
132
00:07:59,859 --> 00:08:01,087
Handles.
133
00:08:01,339 --> 00:08:03,728
-Is it coffin handles, Uncle Arthur?
-Would you be quiet, Frank?
134
00:08:03,819 --> 00:08:05,969
But am I getting warmer? Go on, tell me.
Am I getting warmer?
135
00:08:06,059 --> 00:08:08,254
Just stop it, right? Stop it, now, stop it.
136
00:08:08,539 --> 00:08:10,734
Mind you, I wouldn't trust him an inch.
137
00:08:10,819 --> 00:08:14,778
-His eyes are very close together.
-Are they? Afraid I never noticed.
138
00:08:15,099 --> 00:08:17,135
It denotes a mean streak.
139
00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:21,578
Begging your pardon, Mr Mainwaring.
I don't think it's fair to say Mr Frazer's mean.
140
00:08:21,659 --> 00:08:22,933
-Oh?
-No.
141
00:08:23,019 --> 00:08:26,170
Only last Friday
he let me have three bags of crisps.
142
00:08:26,259 --> 00:08:30,298
He said they were very rare and valuable,
'cause they were the real pre-war things.
143
00:08:33,739 --> 00:08:37,368
-I suppose he asked you to pay for them.
-Well, only the proper price, not black market.
144
00:08:37,459 --> 00:08:38,938
(GROANING)
145
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:42,250
How this boy ever got his school certificate,
I shall never understand.
146
00:08:42,339 --> 00:08:43,977
Well, they weren't bad.
147
00:08:44,059 --> 00:08:46,857
A bit soggy, but the salt was dry as a bone.
148
00:08:46,939 --> 00:08:48,691
Just go away, Pike, will you?
149
00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,098
(MUTTERING)
150
00:08:51,339 --> 00:08:53,728
-...and the bag went...
-Get out!
151
00:08:56,939 --> 00:08:58,531
I shall talk to Frazer tomorrow.
152
00:08:58,619 --> 00:09:03,647
You know, sir, if Frank's fool enough
to buy himself old, worn-out crisps,
153
00:09:03,819 --> 00:09:06,174
I really don't see that it's our business at all.
154
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,574
I'm not talking about crisps!
155
00:09:10,099 --> 00:09:12,772
Do try not to let your mind wander, Wilson.
156
00:09:12,859 --> 00:09:14,372
I'm talking about sovereigns,
157
00:09:14,459 --> 00:09:17,178
and he's got to be made to see that
what he's doing with it is sheer folly.
158
00:09:17,259 --> 00:09:21,047
Well, he's very obstinate, you see. If he even
knows that you're prying into his private affairs,
159
00:09:21,139 --> 00:09:22,857
he'll send you away
with your tail between your legs.
160
00:09:22,939 --> 00:09:24,213
(CHUCKLING)
161
00:09:24,459 --> 00:09:27,019
I don't often get sent away
with my tail between my legs, Wilson.
162
00:09:27,099 --> 00:09:29,932
Well, but would you like me to drop a few hints?
163
00:09:30,579 --> 00:09:32,615
No, no. I'll deal with it.
164
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:34,936
I'll be very tactful.
165
00:09:35,619 --> 00:09:37,211
I'll bring it up on parade tonight.
166
00:09:37,299 --> 00:09:39,574
That started ItThat started It...
167
00:09:41,459 --> 00:09:44,337
Silence in the ranks. Stop talking.
168
00:09:44,979 --> 00:09:46,776
Silence in the ranks.
169
00:09:47,219 --> 00:09:49,449
Private Pike. Private Pike.
170
00:09:50,059 --> 00:09:53,938
If you do not silence in the ranks,
you will find yourself on a fizzer
171
00:09:54,019 --> 00:09:57,614
for conduct to the prejudice
of not having silence in the ranks.
172
00:09:57,939 --> 00:09:59,292
I was only finishing my sentence.
173
00:09:59,379 --> 00:10:02,177
There won't be no time to finish those sentences
174
00:10:02,259 --> 00:10:05,888
when Mr Boche German starts invading,
young fella-me-lad.
175
00:10:05,979 --> 00:10:08,732
-He's not here now, is he?
-Oh...
176
00:10:08,819 --> 00:10:13,131
We should let the old fool get on with it,
or we'll be here all night.
177
00:10:13,739 --> 00:10:17,527
Right. Tonight, we're going to practise
doing things in our gas masks.
178
00:10:17,619 --> 00:10:20,975
Excuse me. Respirators.
179
00:10:21,099 --> 00:10:22,817
What was that? Who said that?
180
00:10:23,219 --> 00:10:26,370
Captain Mainwaring likes us
to call them respirators.
181
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,336
Ah, well, that's as maybe.
182
00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:32,253
But the thing is this.
We've got to practise to such a high pitch,
183
00:10:32,339 --> 00:10:36,651
that everything we do in our everyday goings-on,
we can do in our gas masks.
184
00:10:36,739 --> 00:10:40,175
-Respirators.
-That's right. Silence!
185
00:10:41,259 --> 00:10:43,090
Now, the thing is this.
186
00:10:43,219 --> 00:10:46,131
One day, we will be all going about our business,
187
00:10:46,219 --> 00:10:48,938
when suddenly, Hitler lets it off.
188
00:10:49,779 --> 00:10:52,009
Are we downhearted? No!
189
00:10:52,099 --> 00:10:56,138
We just put on our gas respirator
and carry on as usual.
190
00:10:56,499 --> 00:10:59,536
'Cause when you come to think of it,
everything we do ordinary,
191
00:10:59,619 --> 00:11:01,610
we can do wearing one of these.
192
00:11:01,699 --> 00:11:05,487
I mean, I can go on working in my shop.
Pikey can carry on banking.
193
00:11:05,579 --> 00:11:07,854
Mr Frazer can furnish his funerals.
194
00:11:07,979 --> 00:11:11,494
And even Mr Godfrey, you'll be able
to go to the clinic, won't you, Mr Godfrey?
195
00:11:11,579 --> 00:11:14,457
I suppose so. They won't be able
to take my temperature, though.
196
00:11:14,539 --> 00:11:17,178
No, well, perhaps you could come back later.
197
00:11:19,499 --> 00:11:22,650
You might be able to come back later
and have your temperature took, couldn't you?
198
00:11:22,739 --> 00:11:24,013
Can we eat?
199
00:11:24,579 --> 00:11:26,774
No. No, that is right. You can't eat.
200
00:11:26,859 --> 00:11:29,737
You can't eat.
No, but, you can do everything else as usual.
201
00:11:29,819 --> 00:11:34,893
-You cannae drink.
-No. No, definitely not. No, you can't drink.
202
00:11:35,219 --> 00:11:36,698
I can't clean my teeth.
203
00:11:38,739 --> 00:11:40,297
Well, that don't matter, do it?
204
00:11:40,379 --> 00:11:44,133
Who wants to go cleaning their teeth
with Hitler gassing all over the place?
205
00:11:44,539 --> 00:11:45,938
You cannae smoke.
206
00:11:46,019 --> 00:11:49,329
That's right, Mr Frazer.
Cigarette would get pushed down your throat.
207
00:11:49,859 --> 00:11:51,611
The fool is talking nonsense.
208
00:11:51,699 --> 00:11:54,736
There's hundreds and hundreds
of things you cannae do.
209
00:11:54,819 --> 00:11:59,335
Silence in the ranks, Private Frazer.
I shall have you for insubordination.
210
00:11:59,739 --> 00:12:04,290
Now then, what we've got to do first,
is practise doing things in our gasmasks.
211
00:12:04,379 --> 00:12:05,414
Respirators.
212
00:12:05,499 --> 00:12:07,694
One more interruption from you, Private Godfrey,
213
00:12:07,779 --> 00:12:11,135
and I'll have you doubling
round the church hall 50 times.
214
00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:18,334
Now, then. First of all, I'm going to teach you
how to fix bayonets.
215
00:12:18,779 --> 00:12:23,057
On the command, ''Gas,''
I shall put on my respirator mask.
216
00:12:23,379 --> 00:12:24,368
Right.
217
00:12:24,499 --> 00:12:26,296
Gas!
218
00:12:27,899 --> 00:12:30,891
The thing to do, when you hear that command,
219
00:12:31,179 --> 00:12:35,775
is to hold your breath and get this thing on
as quickly as you possibly can.
220
00:12:37,019 --> 00:12:38,657
Put it on quickly as you can.
221
00:12:38,739 --> 00:12:40,775
Oh, yes. Put it on quickly.
222
00:12:41,019 --> 00:12:43,533
(MUMBLING)
223
00:12:50,259 --> 00:12:53,649
(MUFFLED) Then you've got to get your rifle
in your left hand.
224
00:12:53,739 --> 00:12:57,129
(INDISTINCT)
225
00:13:09,299 --> 00:13:10,573
Jones, what are you doing?
226
00:13:10,659 --> 00:13:11,887
(JONES GROANS)
227
00:13:15,179 --> 00:13:16,578
(AIR INTAKE BUZZING)
228
00:13:20,579 --> 00:13:25,653
Sir, I'm trying to teach the men
how to fix their bayonets with their gas masks.
229
00:13:25,739 --> 00:13:28,094
-Take it off.
-Oh, sorry, sir.
230
00:13:28,899 --> 00:13:31,015
I'm trying to teach them...
231
00:13:31,379 --> 00:13:34,371
I'm trying to teach the men how to fix bayonets
in their gas masks, sir.
232
00:13:34,459 --> 00:13:36,848
-Respirator.
-Yeah, we keep telling him.
233
00:13:36,939 --> 00:13:38,577
Quiet, Pike.
234
00:13:39,499 --> 00:13:41,091
-Fall the men in, will you, Wilson?
-Aye, sir.
235
00:13:41,179 --> 00:13:45,013
Will you fall in, please, in three ranks?
Quick as you can.
236
00:13:46,619 --> 00:13:50,453
And I'm going to speak to the men
about money and security.
237
00:13:50,979 --> 00:13:54,255
-On a broad basis, you understand.
-Oh, how lovely.
238
00:13:55,419 --> 00:13:58,889
Now we'll soon see
if Frazer gives himself away, all right?
239
00:14:00,459 --> 00:14:04,134
Now before we all dismiss, I just want to have
a little word with you about savings.
240
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:07,973
As you know, this war is costing us
millions of pounds a day.
241
00:14:08,979 --> 00:14:12,051
I expect you all worked hard for all your life.
242
00:14:12,139 --> 00:14:14,016
Yes, I had a hard life, sir.
243
00:14:14,099 --> 00:14:17,808
When I was 1 0 years old,
I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning
244
00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:20,857
-and follow the milkman round with his horse.
-MAINWARING: Yes.
245
00:14:20,939 --> 00:14:23,134
And every time the horse stopped,
the milkman shouted,
246
00:14:23,219 --> 00:14:25,687
''Hang on to that horse, you young shaver.''
247
00:14:25,779 --> 00:14:28,373
And he wasn't a nice horse, Captain Mainwaring.
248
00:14:28,459 --> 00:14:31,098
'Cause in the winter, in the cold,
249
00:14:31,179 --> 00:14:34,091
he used to stamp his feet
and tread all over my toes.
250
00:14:34,179 --> 00:14:37,774
In the summer, with his flies,
he used to keep tossing his head
251
00:14:37,859 --> 00:14:39,815
and he used to toss me over his shoulder.
252
00:14:39,899 --> 00:14:43,414
And if I let go,
the milkman used to clip me round the earhole.
253
00:14:43,499 --> 00:14:46,809
He only paid me twopence a week.
But it was a good life.
254
00:14:50,859 --> 00:14:54,852
Now, we must get our money to work for us.
255
00:14:55,379 --> 00:14:58,337
-That's right, isn't it, Sergeant Wilson?
-Oh, yes, sir. Certainly, yes, sir. Yes.
256
00:14:58,419 --> 00:15:02,128
As I say, we must make our money work for us.
257
00:15:02,219 --> 00:15:04,779
There are people, you know,
who put pound notes under the mattress.
258
00:15:04,859 --> 00:15:06,497
Now, this is foolhardy.
259
00:15:06,579 --> 00:15:09,616
My mum keeps quite a lot concealed
about her person.
260
00:15:10,579 --> 00:15:13,855
She says nobody will find it there,
least of all Uncle Arthur.
261
00:15:15,099 --> 00:15:16,691
Would you be quiet, Frank?
262
00:15:16,779 --> 00:15:18,610
Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring.
263
00:15:18,699 --> 00:15:23,727
My sister Dolly keeps quite a bit in an old teapot.
It has a broken spout.
264
00:15:24,059 --> 00:15:25,333
Ooh...
265
00:15:25,859 --> 00:15:28,293
You must take a very firm line about that, Godfrey.
266
00:15:28,659 --> 00:15:30,650
You must make her put it into a bank.
267
00:15:30,939 --> 00:15:34,295
Captain Mainwaring, are you touting for business?
268
00:15:34,419 --> 00:15:36,694
No, certainly not, I'm just giving you some advice.
269
00:15:36,779 --> 00:15:39,851
Now, the other thing is to think
about the risk involved,
270
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:44,330
I mean, you might have a bomb falling
or an incendiary or even a burglary.
271
00:15:44,699 --> 00:15:49,250
Now, burglars, of course, would be particularly
on the lookout for gold.
272
00:15:49,379 --> 00:15:50,448
(EXCLAIMING)
273
00:15:54,819 --> 00:15:59,256
Not that I expect you chaps
have much gold about, but if you have,
274
00:15:59,819 --> 00:16:04,813
then it's your patriotic duty to sell it
to help the war effort.
275
00:16:04,899 --> 00:16:09,529
-And put the money in your bank.
-Not necessarily, no.
276
00:16:10,259 --> 00:16:11,772
Right. That's all.
277
00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:14,091
Atten-hut!
278
00:16:15,019 --> 00:16:16,452
Dismissed.
279
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,937
-Come with me a moment, would you, Wilson?
-Yes, of course, sir, yes.
280
00:16:24,259 --> 00:16:27,456
-I think that was pretty well done, don't you?
-Oh, yes. Very well done, indeed, sir.
281
00:16:27,539 --> 00:16:31,214
-I think I handled that rather subtly.
-Yes, very diplomatically, sir.
282
00:16:31,299 --> 00:16:32,334
Yes.
283
00:16:32,419 --> 00:16:36,492
I don't think Frazer suspected that I was
referring particularly to him, do you?
284
00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:39,776
Oh no, sir. No, not at all, no.
But I must say, when you said the word ''gold'',
285
00:16:39,859 --> 00:16:43,852
I did just notice that he jumped ever so slightly
out of his skin.
286
00:16:44,019 --> 00:16:46,533
Well, I'm quite sure that he had no inkling
that I really knew.
287
00:16:46,619 --> 00:16:48,211
Oh, no, sir. No, no, no. Not at all, no.
288
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:49,288
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
289
00:16:49,379 --> 00:16:50,528
Come in.
290
00:16:51,339 --> 00:16:52,374
Yes, Frazer.
291
00:16:52,459 --> 00:16:56,008
Captain Mainwaring,
there's just one thing I want to say to you.
292
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:59,614
If you think you are going to get your hands
on my gold,
293
00:17:00,299 --> 00:17:02,051
you can think again.
294
00:17:02,699 --> 00:17:06,612
I don't trust banks, I don't trust bankers
and I don't trust you.
295
00:17:06,699 --> 00:17:09,338
That's all I want to say. Thank you.
296
00:17:14,779 --> 00:17:18,169
You are my sunshIneMy only sunshIne
297
00:17:19,499 --> 00:17:21,535
Seven pounds of King Edwards. Sixpence.
298
00:17:25,099 --> 00:17:26,452
And the next, please.
299
00:17:26,539 --> 00:17:28,769
-I hear you've got onions.
-Shh!
300
00:17:29,099 --> 00:17:31,738
Do you want the whole world queuing outside?
301
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:37,370
You can have half a pound,
but only 'cause you're a regular.
302
00:17:40,619 --> 00:17:41,847
And the next, then.
303
00:17:41,939 --> 00:17:45,818
-Oh, hello, Vicar. We don't often see you in here.
-We don't often see onions here.
304
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:46,888
Shh!
305
00:17:48,939 --> 00:17:50,054
You can have half a pound,
306
00:17:50,139 --> 00:17:53,529
but only on condition that you promise
to cut your sermons to eight minutes.
307
00:17:54,979 --> 00:17:57,539
And that includes getting in and out of the pulpit.
308
00:17:58,699 --> 00:18:01,452
Here you are.
Shove them under your cassock and look holy.
309
00:18:04,819 --> 00:18:06,491
Here, here, here.
310
00:18:06,579 --> 00:18:09,491
Have you heard the scandal about Frazer,
the undertaker?
311
00:18:09,579 --> 00:18:10,978
Is there a woman involved?
312
00:18:11,059 --> 00:18:14,369
Be quiet, Mr Yeatman.
You shouldn't listen to gossip.
313
00:18:14,699 --> 00:18:16,212
What's he done?
314
00:18:17,019 --> 00:18:21,410
They say he's hoarding thousands of gold coins
in his shop. You can't move for them.
315
00:18:21,499 --> 00:18:25,856
Well, in that case, I shall ask him
for a contribution for the church fabric fund.
316
00:18:26,259 --> 00:18:29,649
You'll be lucky.
He's owed me 1 3 and six since last January.
317
00:18:29,739 --> 00:18:31,536
I've asked him for it till I'm blue in the face.
318
00:18:31,619 --> 00:18:33,849
I'll tell you what,
if I don't get it, I'll county-court him.
319
00:18:33,939 --> 00:18:37,409
What I say is,
parsimony is a sin if it's carried to excess.
320
00:18:37,499 --> 00:18:38,773
Don't you agree, Vicar?
321
00:18:38,859 --> 00:18:41,498
I've never really given it very much thought,
Mr Yeatman.
322
00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:44,047
Well, he can't take it with him and that's a fact.
323
00:18:44,139 --> 00:18:48,212
Oh, I don't know. They say he's going to put them
in his coffin when he goes, like them Vikings did.
324
00:18:48,299 --> 00:18:51,450
What a waste!
I shall go round and see him straightaway.
325
00:18:53,139 --> 00:18:56,290
Hello, Operator? Are you still getting no reply?
326
00:18:57,019 --> 00:18:59,852
Well, I don't understand it,
but thank you very much indeed for trying.
327
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:01,611
Yes. Goodbye.
328
00:19:03,819 --> 00:19:05,855
-I don't understand this at all.
-Eh?
329
00:19:05,939 --> 00:19:07,895
Frazer's never ever missed a parade.
330
00:19:08,459 --> 00:19:12,850
-I do hope he's all right. Have you had any luck?
-(SLURRING) He wasn't at the Horse and Hound...
331
00:19:15,499 --> 00:19:20,368
I haven't seen him at the Fox since Christmas.
I know that because we've made enquires.
332
00:19:21,699 --> 00:19:24,975
We also made enquiries at the Red Lion,
the Marquis of Granby and...
333
00:19:26,939 --> 00:19:29,499
We went to the Fox and Pheasant
and the Black Horse
334
00:19:29,579 --> 00:19:32,491
and what Mum's going to say
when she sees you like this, I do not know.
335
00:19:33,899 --> 00:19:36,413
-Sit down, Wilson.
-Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you very much, indeed.
336
00:19:36,499 --> 00:19:37,727
-Behind you, there.
-Thank you.
337
00:19:37,819 --> 00:19:40,538
He wasn't at Charlie's Cafe, either.
338
00:19:40,619 --> 00:19:43,372
No, we had a black coffee there
and that's not done you much good.
339
00:19:43,459 --> 00:19:45,768
We are supposed to be off-duty.
340
00:19:46,259 --> 00:19:48,489
And a damn good job for you, you are.
341
00:19:48,819 --> 00:19:51,891
Now you sit down there and be quiet
until you've sobered up a bit.
342
00:19:51,979 --> 00:19:55,096
I don't want the rest of the platoon to know
that their sergeant's a drunkard.
343
00:19:55,179 --> 00:19:58,410
Frank, the darned Captain is cross with me.
344
00:19:58,499 --> 00:19:59,978
(SHUSHING)
345
00:20:01,979 --> 00:20:03,731
He wasn't in the library, sir.
346
00:20:03,819 --> 00:20:06,128
And he didn't answer
when we knocked on his door.
347
00:20:06,219 --> 00:20:09,256
But he's took his milk in,
so we know he's taking nourishment.
348
00:20:09,339 --> 00:20:11,978
I went to the Peabody Rooms
but he wasn't at the whist drive.
349
00:20:12,059 --> 00:20:17,850
Well, he's probably with some floozy
in a gambling den in darkest Walmington.
350
00:20:18,219 --> 00:20:19,288
Wilson...
351
00:20:19,379 --> 00:20:20,573
(PHONE RINGING)
352
00:20:21,779 --> 00:20:23,132
Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard.
353
00:20:23,619 --> 00:20:27,214
-Is that you, Captain Mainwaring?
-Frazer? Where are you?
354
00:20:27,299 --> 00:20:28,652
Why aren't you on parade?
355
00:20:28,739 --> 00:20:32,448
I'm not coming. It's all your fault.
356
00:20:32,659 --> 00:20:35,856
I could hardly movefor folk hammerIng on my door.
357
00:20:36,099 --> 00:20:38,488
Even that peely-wally vicar.
358
00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:40,849
No. Now, mark this,
359
00:20:41,259 --> 00:20:44,854
none of ye are gonna get your hands on my gold.
360
00:20:45,019 --> 00:20:50,332
I'm putting it where none of ye will ever find it.
361
00:20:50,419 --> 00:20:51,408
(CLICKING)
362
00:20:51,499 --> 00:20:55,856
Now, hear, Frazer. Nobody wants your gold.
All we're trying to... Hello? Hello?
363
00:20:56,859 --> 00:20:58,053
Hello?
364
00:20:59,099 --> 00:21:00,134
He put the receiver down.
365
00:21:00,219 --> 00:21:03,734
-Was he in a callbox, Captain Mainwaring?
-I don't think so. I didn't hear the twopence go.
366
00:21:03,819 --> 00:21:05,650
Then he was at home.
367
00:21:05,739 --> 00:21:08,014
The point is, what is he going to do?
368
00:21:08,099 --> 00:21:13,651
Well, I know what I'd do if I was in his shoes.
I'd get all my gold and I'd melt it down.
369
00:21:13,739 --> 00:21:17,095
And when it was all hot and bubbly,
I'd pour it into a mould
370
00:21:17,179 --> 00:21:19,295
and make of it a large vessel.
371
00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:22,894
And then I would paint it white
and put it somewhere where it didn't notice.
372
00:21:22,979 --> 00:21:24,378
(WILSON SCOFFING)
373
00:21:24,779 --> 00:21:28,328
You mean, you'd make it into a vase de nuIt.
374
00:21:29,299 --> 00:21:30,857
What did you say?
375
00:21:32,379 --> 00:21:35,530
Vase de nuIt. It's French.
376
00:21:35,819 --> 00:21:37,457
I'm aware that it's French.
377
00:21:37,539 --> 00:21:40,815
It means, literally, a night vase.
378
00:21:41,659 --> 00:21:43,172
-Night vase?
-Yes.
379
00:21:44,619 --> 00:21:46,894
-Tiddley pot.
-What did you say?
380
00:21:49,019 --> 00:21:51,055
That's what we used to call them at school,
381
00:21:51,139 --> 00:21:53,812
you know, when we were in the dorm,
we used to call them tiddley pots.
382
00:21:53,899 --> 00:21:55,651
Will you be quiet?
383
00:21:55,739 --> 00:21:59,129
Mainwaring, I saw a film once,
it was called MIser's Gold.
384
00:21:59,219 --> 00:22:00,572
Now, in that film there was a man
385
00:22:00,659 --> 00:22:02,570
and he had to hide
his ill-gotten golden nuggets somewhere,
386
00:22:02,659 --> 00:22:04,297
so he hid them in a field.
387
00:22:04,379 --> 00:22:06,574
But a farmer came along and ploughed it up.
388
00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:08,411
Then the other man came back looking all haggard
389
00:22:08,499 --> 00:22:11,855
and he searched around in the mud
and all he could find was stones.
390
00:22:11,939 --> 00:22:13,930
And that's what he said, you see.
391
00:22:14,019 --> 00:22:17,375
He said, ''Stones, stones.
My nuggets turned into stones.''
392
00:22:19,819 --> 00:22:21,855
I can't listen to all this drivel.
393
00:22:22,939 --> 00:22:25,407
Just a minute. You may have hit on something.
394
00:22:25,499 --> 00:22:27,490
-Have I?
-He would bury it.
395
00:22:27,579 --> 00:22:29,854
-The point is, where?
-In his garden.
396
00:22:29,939 --> 00:22:35,491
No, wouldn't bury it in his garden.
It's all concrete. You can't bury things in concrete.
397
00:22:35,579 --> 00:22:38,730
Not unless you got one of those rheumatic drills.
398
00:22:40,259 --> 00:22:42,136
How about Peabody Park?
399
00:22:42,219 --> 00:22:45,370
-Yeah, that's a possible.
-In the sand hills, at night.
400
00:22:45,619 --> 00:22:49,009
No, no, there's always too many people
in the sand hills at night.
401
00:22:49,179 --> 00:22:51,568
-Let's face it. There are a dozen places.
-Yeah.
402
00:22:51,659 --> 00:22:55,413
-I think he'll do it tonight, sir.
-You may be right, Jones.
403
00:22:55,619 --> 00:22:58,179
Now, look. There's only one way to deal with this.
We've got to shadow him.
404
00:22:58,259 --> 00:22:59,692
What, like George Raft?
405
00:22:59,979 --> 00:23:02,368
Now, we'll make a roster.
406
00:23:03,419 --> 00:23:06,297
We'll keep him covered
throughout the hours of darkness.
407
00:23:06,379 --> 00:23:09,291
Right, Sergeant. Put down all the...
Oh, no, never mind.
408
00:23:10,659 --> 00:23:12,172
Tiddley pots, that's what they...
409
00:23:13,899 --> 00:23:16,094
One, two, button your shoe
410
00:23:17,259 --> 00:23:18,897
-Hello? Hello?
-Yes.
411
00:23:18,979 --> 00:23:20,128
-Captain Mainwaring.
-Yes.
412
00:23:20,219 --> 00:23:22,050
Jack Jones the butcher here.
413
00:23:22,379 --> 00:23:25,257
Yes, what is it, Jones,
has there been some development?
414
00:23:25,339 --> 00:23:30,697
We saw Private Frazer come out, sir,
out of his house. He's got a box under his arm.
415
00:23:30,779 --> 00:23:32,735
Not an undertaker's box, you understand.
416
00:23:32,979 --> 00:23:35,288
No, no. Go on.
417
00:23:35,499 --> 00:23:39,128
Yes, sir, and he looked kind of furtive.
And he moved off.
418
00:23:39,219 --> 00:23:41,494
So we followed him and we followed him
419
00:23:41,579 --> 00:23:42,728
and we followed him.
420
00:23:42,819 --> 00:23:44,537
Oh, get on with it.
421
00:23:44,619 --> 00:23:46,928
And then he went into a churchyard.
422
00:23:47,019 --> 00:23:50,773
So I said to Pikey, ''You stop here and watch him.''
423
00:23:51,339 --> 00:23:53,216
Come on. He's in the churchyard.
424
00:23:53,299 --> 00:23:54,812
(HICCUPPING)
425
00:23:55,419 --> 00:23:59,731
And I went flitting from monument to monument,
you now, like a wreath.
426
00:23:59,819 --> 00:24:01,730
You know, so as he wouldn't spot me.
427
00:24:01,819 --> 00:24:05,494
And then suddenly, I saw a telephone box
and I thought to meself,
428
00:24:05,579 --> 00:24:07,854
''Ha-ha. Oh, that's hunky-dory.''
429
00:24:08,259 --> 00:24:11,569
So I got out two pennies and I was just...
430
00:24:11,859 --> 00:24:13,008
Hello?
431
00:24:14,299 --> 00:24:18,690
Oh, he must have put the phone down.
I expect he's in one of his moods.
432
00:24:19,099 --> 00:24:23,889
-Yes? Hello, who is it?
-It's me, Chief Warden Hodges. Here.
433
00:24:23,979 --> 00:24:28,097
-Guess what I saw on patrol just now.
-Was it animal, vegetable or mineral?
434
00:24:29,339 --> 00:24:30,567
This isn't a game.
435
00:24:30,659 --> 00:24:34,572
I've just seen Frazer sneak into the churchyard
with a box under his arm.
436
00:24:34,659 --> 00:24:36,615
I'll bet it's full of gold and he's gonna bury it.
437
00:24:36,699 --> 00:24:41,090
When the Vicar asked him for a donation,
he told him he was as poor as a church mouse.
438
00:24:41,179 --> 00:24:46,048
I was there in person. He said it plain
as a pikestaff, through his very own letterbox.
439
00:24:46,739 --> 00:24:48,252
(MUTTERING)
440
00:24:48,339 --> 00:24:51,809
I just thought the vicar would like to find out
what's going on in his churchyard
441
00:24:51,899 --> 00:24:53,252
at half past one in the morning.
442
00:24:53,539 --> 00:24:56,417
All right. We'll be round in five minutes.
443
00:25:09,019 --> 00:25:10,691
(CACKLING)
444
00:25:12,619 --> 00:25:13,847
(GASPING)
445
00:25:16,539 --> 00:25:18,894
There he is, Mr Mainwaring. Look over there.
446
00:25:19,139 --> 00:25:21,972
See, he digs. Then he cackles.
447
00:25:22,299 --> 00:25:23,652
Then he digs again.
448
00:25:23,739 --> 00:25:26,333
He's been doing that for 1 0 minutes.
449
00:25:26,459 --> 00:25:27,528
Dig, dig...
450
00:25:27,619 --> 00:25:29,530
(CACKLING)
451
00:25:30,099 --> 00:25:31,896
Don't keep doing that.
452
00:25:37,499 --> 00:25:40,536
-There he is.
-Do you see what he's doing, Your Reverence?
453
00:25:40,619 --> 00:25:42,257
He's desecrating.
454
00:25:43,099 --> 00:25:46,216
I don't think it's quite as bad as that,
Mr Yeatman.
455
00:25:47,419 --> 00:25:48,932
(CHUCKLING)
456
00:25:49,019 --> 00:25:54,047
They're not going to get any...
They're never going to get my gold.
457
00:25:55,699 --> 00:25:57,132
-Uncle Arthur?
-Hmm.
458
00:25:58,539 --> 00:26:00,052
I'm frightened.
459
00:26:03,019 --> 00:26:04,338
That's it.
460
00:26:05,739 --> 00:26:06,854
Yes.
461
00:26:07,539 --> 00:26:08,733
(CACKLING)
462
00:26:09,499 --> 00:26:12,297
Wait till he gets to the gate
and then we'll go and investigate.
463
00:26:12,379 --> 00:26:14,370
He's off. Let's follow him.
464
00:26:14,459 --> 00:26:17,212
Wait a minute. I can see figures moving.
465
00:26:17,619 --> 00:26:19,291
This is the place.
466
00:26:19,779 --> 00:26:21,770
Right. Uncover it, Pike.
467
00:26:22,459 --> 00:26:24,768
-What with?
-With your hands, of course.
468
00:26:26,059 --> 00:26:29,176
There might be slugs and worms
and creepy crawlies.
469
00:26:29,259 --> 00:26:30,453
Get on with it.
470
00:26:31,539 --> 00:26:34,975
You ought to have somebody look at that boy,
you know.
471
00:26:36,259 --> 00:26:37,374
Here.
472
00:26:37,619 --> 00:26:40,770
They're wearing army hats.
I do believe it's Mainwaring's lot.
473
00:26:40,859 --> 00:26:43,931
What's he doing here? Come on, Mr Yeatman.
474
00:26:45,099 --> 00:26:48,216
Ever so heavy. It must be chock-full of gold.
475
00:26:49,379 --> 00:26:50,732
Open it up.
476
00:26:53,299 --> 00:26:56,450
-It's locked.
-Here, Pikey. Use my bayonet.
477
00:26:56,899 --> 00:26:59,367
Do you think we should, sir?
After all, it's not ours.
478
00:26:59,459 --> 00:27:01,017
You're quite right, Sponge, leave it alone.
479
00:27:01,459 --> 00:27:02,687
Ha!
480
00:27:02,819 --> 00:27:04,411
Caught you. Red-handed.
481
00:27:04,499 --> 00:27:07,332
-You were just gonna steal that, weren't you?
-I was doing no such thing.
482
00:27:07,419 --> 00:27:10,138
-What are you doing here, then?
-I'll deal with this, Mr Yeatman.
483
00:27:10,219 --> 00:27:13,416
Captain Mainwaring
is going about his lawful vocations.
484
00:27:13,499 --> 00:27:16,013
What, in a churchyard at half past one
in the morning?
485
00:27:16,099 --> 00:27:18,408
I am very concerned for the welfare
of one of my troops.
486
00:27:18,499 --> 00:27:19,852
You were filching that box.
487
00:27:19,939 --> 00:27:21,577
Will you be quiet, Mr Yeatman?
488
00:27:22,459 --> 00:27:24,927
I am going to speak to Frazer tomorrow.
489
00:27:25,019 --> 00:27:27,579
And I am going to strongly advise him
to sell these sovereigns,
490
00:27:27,659 --> 00:27:29,889
-and buy himself an annuity.
-On which you get commission.
491
00:27:29,979 --> 00:27:32,334
On which I get... Never mind that.
492
00:27:32,419 --> 00:27:34,330
She has her head tucked underneath her arm
493
00:27:35,899 --> 00:27:37,457
So you see, Frazer,
494
00:27:38,739 --> 00:27:41,094
we acted from the very best of motives.
495
00:27:41,179 --> 00:27:46,731
But the fact that we could find your box so easily
only adds proof to my statement.
496
00:27:47,819 --> 00:27:51,778
The bank is the best place for your valuables,
whether they be in cash or in kind.
497
00:27:51,859 --> 00:27:55,374
-But not your bank.
-Please don't interfere, Mr Hodges.
498
00:27:55,499 --> 00:27:58,332
-Fetch the box, would you, Wilson?
-Yes, of course, sir, yes.
499
00:27:58,419 --> 00:28:00,137
Have you got a key?
500
00:28:02,139 --> 00:28:03,458
Here, son.
501
00:28:04,539 --> 00:28:06,530
Give that to the Captain.
502
00:28:07,179 --> 00:28:08,771
He's a fine man.
503
00:28:16,499 --> 00:28:18,217
Now, don't worry...
504
00:28:21,939 --> 00:28:25,852
Now, rest assured, Frazer,
my bank will take good care of this.
505
00:28:25,939 --> 00:28:30,535
And a small contribution for the fabric
of the church will be most gratefully received.
506
00:28:32,619 --> 00:28:35,133
It's a brick! It's a damn brick.
507
00:28:37,419 --> 00:28:39,774
Aye! It's a brick!
508
00:28:40,139 --> 00:28:43,575
And yon vicar can have it
for the fabric of his church.
509
00:28:48,539 --> 00:28:53,055
I'm holding onto my money.
You are not gonna put your hands on it at all.
510
00:28:53,139 --> 00:28:57,735
You're not gonna have my gold.
You're not going to have my gold!
511
00:28:57,785 --> 00:29:02,335
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