Original subtitles

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler

If you thInk we're on the run?

We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game

We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn

'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler

If you thInk old England's done?

Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8..2 1

But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun

So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler

If you thInk old England's done?

MAINWARING: Left, right, left, right, left, right!

(MEN GROANING)

Come on now. Keep it up. Come along. Forward.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right,

up, up, up, up, up, up, up!

Come on now, keep it up.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, right. Get 'em up, Godfrey!

Halt! Right, stand straight.

Keep still, Jones.

The spirit is willing, sir, but I think me body's slung it in.

Stand at ease!

Now, before we fall down... Before we fall out...

one or two things I want to say to you.

(PANTING)

Don't you think you ought to sit down for a bit, Mr Mainwaring?

No, no, no. No, I'll be quite all right. Just...

Just go and get my notes.

Can the men have a breather while you're getting 'em, sir?

Oh, very well, if you think they need it.

Oh, dear me.

Oh, good Lord! Are you all right, sir?

-Oh, perfectly all right, thank you. -Good, good.

My goodness. Those men are out of condition.

Are they really?

Oh!

You'll have to take them on a series of cross-country runs.

Oh, yes. I shall enjoy that.

What's that in your hand?

What, this? A little magazine. It's called the Hot Spur.

-The Hot Spur? -The Hot Spur, yes.

I left you behind to look after the telephone.

If you wanted to pass the time, there are plenty of training pamphlets about

without resorting to children's magazines and penny dreadfuls.

I was reading this, it's in young Frank's handwriting.

Give it to me.

It's a sort of article about the Home Guard. I found it rather amusing.

-Rather amusing? -Yes, amusing.

-I think it's disgraceful. -What?

Now, look here,

I've got to nip this sort of thing in the bud. Right away.

-Get the men on parade. -All right, sir.

-Ooh! -WILSON: Right...

Quick as you can. Three ranks. Come on.

Fall in! Three ranks like the sergeant says. Come along now.

Fall in in three ranks like the sergeant says. Come on now, three ranks like the sergeant said.

Right, sir. We've fallen in in three ranks like the sergeant said, sir.

-Thank you, Jones. -Sir.

Squad, 'shun!

Stand at ease. Hurry up, Jones.

(JONES STAMPS)

That's better.

-Private Pike? -Sir?

What is this?

-Where'd you get hold of that? -Never mind where I got it. What is it?

Well, it's an article I'm writing for a competition. How did you get hold of it?

You left it in your Hot Spur, Frank.

You've no right to touch my Hot Spur. I haven't read it yet.

Permission to speak, sir. I'm supposed to have Pikey's Hot Spur before Sergeant Wilson.

All right, Jonesy, I only glanced at it.

I always have Pikey's Hot Spur after him.

-PIKE: I said he could have... -Be quiet, all of you.

Now, I want Sergeant Wilson to read it...

aloud.

-What, the Hot Spur? -No, no, no, no, the article. Read it aloud.

It's not fair. It's private.

Silence in the ranks. Carry on, Wilson.

Right, sir. ''My name is...

''My name is Frank Pike. I'm a private in the Home Gard.''

That should be G-U-A-R-D, Frank.

-Never mind the spelling. Just read it out. -All right, sir. Well...

''Me and the lads will soon spot any parachutists who land in our district,

''especially if he lands in a pub.

''The other night we started at The Dog And Partridge

''and we made sure there were no parachutists in 1 1 pubs in two hours.

''By that time, we were all...

''all soozled.''

Sozzled.

-Quiet, Frank. -''The sergeant is my uncle.

-''I can do what I like with him.'' -Disgraceful.

-''The officer's a bit of an old...'' -Yes, all right. We've heard enough.

Now, Pike, I'm not going to go into your shameful conduct in writing this.

You've let the side down and I expect you're feeling pretty rotten about it.

What concerns me is the subject.

Stories like this about the Home Guard are what we're getting from the comedians on the wireless.

And it's quite untrue.

My unit is a hand-picked band

of ruthless fighting men.

And since I've been in command here, I've done my best to set an example in sobriety

and devotion to duty.

I don't want to hear any more stories about sponges, drunkards or four-ale bars.

No need for you to be downcast or trodden by what young Pikey has written.

Since days of yore, soldiers and drink have always gone together.

Like chalk and cheese.

I don't see why my men should be swilling about in beer.

Well, when we was in the Sudan we used to drink arrack.

Yes, drink half a pint of that, you didn't know whether you were coming or going.

Mind you, we didn't do a lot of coming or going so it didn't seem to matter very much.

All right. All right.

Now, I want to make it quite clear that never again do I want to hear any stories

about men under my command drinking.

Understood? Right.

Now, the Home Guard officers of the district

are throwing a sherry party for local civil dignitaries

and the officers of surrounding units.

Now, I've offered to be the host and...

(SNEEZING)

I've offered to be the host.

That offer has been accepted.

We shall be using this hall and you, Corporal Jones,

your section will volunteer to provide stewards etcetera.

So if you'll just bring your section into the office, we'll sort that out.

Right, come on, my section.

-Private Sponge. -Sir.

Your men will patrol from the gas works to the Novelty Rock Emporium.

Sir.

And no drinking, mind.

-Not a drop will touch our lips, sir. -Right. Move.

We'll get a couple of straws. Come on.

Now, are we all here?

All except Frazer, I think, sir. He's interviewing a client in Eastbourne.

-Yes, Mr Croxton. -Yes.

-Croxton? -Yes.

Oh, well, he's likely to be delayed for some time. Old Croxton's a bit of a chatterbox.

He's not likely to chatter much in the box Frazer's going to put him in.

That joke's in rather bad taste, Jones.

(CLEARING THROAT)

-Put Frazer down for steward, will you? -All right, sir.

-He can serve the drinks. -Right.

-Jones, you better be on the door. -Yes, sir.

I shall be on the door and when the people come in,

I shall ask them their names, and tell them who they are.

I shall be in charge of the cloakroom, coats and things.

That's a very good idea, Godfrey.

Can I help serve the drinks?

You're much too young to be handling alcohol.

-What would you like me to do, sir? -Oh...

Well, just try to look pleasant.

I think Sergeant Wilson ought to play some light music on the piano. That's pleasant.

No, no, no. Really, Jonesy. No, no, I'm really not good enough.

I think Sergeant Wilson's playing would add a little tone to the occasion.

-Oh, very well. You can play the piano, Wilson. -Right, sir.

But not very loudly.

Here. What's all this I hear about you wanting the hall on Wednesday?

It's my night and I need it for training.

I need it for a very important military purpose.

Important military purpose? You're just having a booze-up.

It is not a booze-up.

Well, it's my night for it and I'm going to exercise my prerogative.

-I'm afraid it is his night, Mr Mainwaring. -He's within his rights and that's a fact.

Yes, thank you, Mr Yeatman. I'll deal with this.

Look, Vicar, I must have it.

This is a very important liaison meeting between army officers and local civic dignitaries.

Local civic dignitaries? Well, I haven't been invited.

I'm not just a nobody, you know. I'm a bigwig round here.

Well, I'm sure you had every intention of inviting Mr Hodges, didn't you, Mr Mainwaring?

Well, I suppose...

Yes, of course.

-Oh, good. I like a party. Any women? -No, there aren't any.

Never mind, we'll have a few jars and a bit of a knees-up, eh?

Bit of a knees-up?

This is a dignified social occasion.

Yes, with musical cocktails and cucumber sandwiches.

Cucumber sandwiches? They make you belch, don't they?

Oh, well, thanks for the invite, you can have the hall.

Well, thank goodness that's settled, then. Now, I hope you have a good evening.

-His Reverence hasn't had an invite yet. -Ah.

(CLEARING THROAT)

You would be very welcome, of course, Vicar.

Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring. I shall look forward to it.

You're not coming.

Right, well, that's settled.

Corporal Jones, take your section and resume normal training.

Right, sir. My section, normal training, resume in the hall. Go!

Oh, sir, my sister Dolly makes very nice cucumber sandwiches.

Very dainty and moist. Shall I ask her to do some?

-Thank you, Godfrey. -She will be pleased.

-Fine man, that. -Oh, yes.

-They all are. -Yes.

I don't know anybody I'd rather have at my side when the balloon goes up.

Yes. Don't you think you were just a tiny bit harsh to them, you know,

about the beer and the pubs and so forth?

No, I don't think so.

Just happens to be something that I feel very strongly about.

-The way I was brought up, I suppose. -Yes.

My father was a member of the Master Tailors Guild, you know.

-Was he? -Hmm.

They don't drink while they're sewing, I suppose.

No...

Of course they don't. No.

He'd have the odd sherry on festive occasions, you know, join in the fun.

But all my family were the same. They all knew when to stop.

Ah.

That's better.

CONDUCTOR: Eastbourne.

Eastbourne!

Been to a funeral, then?

I happen to be an undertaker.

You have the right sort of mush for it and all.

And I've got the right sort of fist to flatten that ripe nose of yours.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't be like that.

Here, have a drink.

No. I never touch it when I'm going on a professional call.

Pity. Real Scotch.

(LAUGHING) Aye, to tell you the truth,

I'm coming back from a professional call so I'll accept it.

Don't mind me.

I say what I think, you know.

Tell the truth and shame the devil, that's me.

Anyway, in your job you need a sour, miserable-looking face, don't you?

We do indeed. Aye, we do.

I mean, you look like an undertaker.

(LAUGHING)

Now, I need a happy face in my profession.

I'm a traveller.

And I'm not travelling in Scotch either.

-Guess what I'm travelling in? -Oh, man, I have no idea.

Oh?

-Put it there. -How do you do?

(BUZZING)

You've got it. Jokes.

Carnival novelties.

(LAUGHING)

Here, smell this. Smell this.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, dear.

Mainwaring is the name. Barry Mainwaring.

Mainwaring?

Could it be that your father was a master tailor in Eastbourne?

Master tailor?

I say, that's good.

He had a little drapery shop in East Street with workmen's clothes hanging up outside.

Is that a fact?

Then...could you be in any way related to

George Mainwaring, the bank manager?

Old Po-Face?

I'm his brother.

You don't say.

I'm on me way to see him now.

I haven't worked the South Coast in about 1 5 years.

All my work's been up in the North, you know.

So I thought I'd just drop by, surprise him.

He'll be pleased to see you, no doubt.

I very much doubt it.

Especially when he knows what I've come for.

Is that...

Fancy, now, I've no wish to...

poke my nose into your private affairs but...

why's that?

I'll tell you... Just a minute.

When my father died... I'd looked after him, you see,

right up to the very end.

He hadn't much to leave, you know, 'cause he'd always liked a few on the quiet.

But I'd always admired...

a golden half-hunter watch he had.

He used to wear it on the end of a chain across his waistcoat.

You know, the old bow front, you remember how they used to do it. You know the sort of thing.

Anyway, when he popped off...

old Po-Face comes up and he says,

''Hey, I'm having that watch,'' he said.

Well, the old man kicking the bucket like that, I was a bit upset, you know,

and, well, I'd had a few, I don't mind admitting I'd had a few.

Before I knew what was happening, before it had dawned on me what was going on,

old Po-Face had nicked it.

-Never! -Oh, yes.

As sure as I'm standing on this station.

So...

I've taken a room at the Red Lion and I'm going down to see him.

Hold on. I'll be seeing him as soon as the train stops.

I'll tell him you're coming.

Will you? Will you do that?

Of course! It'll be my pleasure.

Thank you.

You should've seen Mainwaring's face when I told him I'd met his brother...drunk.

Must've been a terrible shock to him.

Maybe aye, maybe no. I've always said there was bad blood in that family and I was right.

They're boozers, the lot of them, boozers.

My sister Dolly won't have drink in the house,

except the parsnip wine she makes herself.

I tried it once, I fell over.

I remember the last time my Uncle Arthur had one over the eight, Mum got ever so angry with him.

He chased her round the house, trying to tickle her and make her laugh.

So she gave him a black eye and locked him in the coal shed.

That stopped him.

And you know something else?

Mainwaring's father was no more a master tailor than I am.

He was a draper,

a common wee draper.

Ain't nothing wrong in being from humble stock.

I come from humble stock and my father was a humble butcher,

and he didn't have a sign above saying, ''High-class butcher, families waited on daily.''

He couldn't afford to wait on families daily cause he hadn't got a fridge.

As soon as the stuff come in he had to bung it out quick before it went off.

And he couldn't afford proper sawdust, he had to have second-hand stuff.

All mingy old sawdust with old shavings and bits of tin tacks and that.

Anyway, he was a God-fearing man. He had quite a nice time.

And I'll tell you something else.

According to his brother,

our Captain Mainwaring is no more than...

a thief.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Frazer, I really can't believe that.

Maybe aye, maybe no. All the same...

I'd give a whole pound to be there when they meet.

He really does sound quite a character.

Oh, he's a character, all right.

And the sooner he's out of Walmington-On-Sea, the happier I'll be.

-It's not that I'm ashamed of him. -Oh, no.

I mean, we both had the same upbringing, but he isn't...

-He's just let his talents go to waste. -Hmm.

While you got on, so to speak.

-Wilson? -Yes.

-I want you, if you can, to picture two boys. -Yes.

One, popular, good at games, hail-fellow-well-met.

The other shy, lonely.

-Standing in the corner of the playground. Alone. -Yes.

That one was me.

I see, yes. The hail-fellow-well-met?

-No, no, no, the one alone in the playground. -Ah.

Later, of course, he was surrounded by girls, the laughing crowd, you know.

-While I was just left with my books. -Yes.

But while he was busy getting sozzled, I was getting a clear brain and a sharp eye.

You know I used to take a cold bath every morning, Wilson?

Did you really?

-I expect that would've cleared the brain. -Oh, yes, it did.

Yes, and that way of life was fitting me for what I've become today.

Respected, trustworthy.

Able, unashamedly, to look the whole world full in the face.

Quite. Excuse me, sir.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Yes. Yes.

-I think it's your brother, sir. -Tell him I'm busy.

Can I help you at all? What?

He says he wants to speak to somebody called Po-Face.

No, no, no. No.

He says if you're not here,

he'll see you tomorrow at the bank.

-Shall I make an appointment at 1 0:30? -No, no! Tell him I'm tied up all day.

I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid he's going to be tied up all day, yes.

All rIght, then. I'll pop round to hIs house.

-No, no! Elizabeth'd have a fit. -All right.

Or better stIll, I'll come over tomorrow evenIng and watch hIm playIng soldIers.

-Why don't you do that? Yes. -No, no, no, no, Wilson.

-It's the night of the sherry party. -All right. Yes.

Tell him I'll go round to the Red Lion tomorrow afternoon at tea time and see him.

All right. Are you still there?

He'll come round tomorrow, tea time, at the Red Lion and see you.

All right?

We must all stIck together

All stIck together Never mInd...

Mind the carpet there. It's a bit worn. It's the war, you see.

I better make sure he's in a fit state. He was a bit rough after lunch.

-What name is it? -Oh, just say it's a friend.

A friend, I see.

GIRL: 'Ere, 'ere, wake up! BARRY: (MUTTERING) What is it?

Somebody to see ya. A man. Says he's a friend.

BARRY: Tell him to go boil his head.

GIRL: (SQUEALING) Oh! Oh! Let go! Give over.

-He's awake. -Obviously.

-You can go in now. -Thank you very much.

-Shilling for you. -Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh, it's you. I thought it might be.

Well, Barry. Been a long time.

1 5 years.

By the looks of you, you haven't changed much.

-Neither have you, Po-Face. -Don't start.

Well, what do you want?

-If it's money you've come for, you're out of luck. -All right.

Keep your rag on.

-You want a drink? -No, thank you.

Please yourself.

I should've thought 5:30 in the afternoon was a bit early, even for you.

Po-Face...

Look at you.

Rolled umbrella, striped trousers, pot hat.

Course, you've got on, haven't you?

I'm the branch manager.

(MOCKING)

Nice for you.

Put your hand in the till when you get a bit short, do you?

Don't be ridiculous. Look, you better come to the point.

I have an important affair to see to at 7:30.

An important affair?

-Is she blonde? -How dare you?

It's a sherry party for senior officers and civic dignitaries.

Don't get drunk.

-Runs in the family. -It certainly does not.

It does in my bloody branch.

Hey, hey.

I'll give you a story, I'll give you a story to tell them at the party.

There's this chemist shop, you see,

and he had a girl assistant behind the counter.

-Fellow comes in, and he says... -Look, look, I have to leave here in five minutes.

Get to the point. What have you come for?

That's what I have come for.

-That watch. -You're not having it.

You know perfectly well that Dad always wanted me to have that watch for looking after him.

Looking after him? All you did was pour whisky down his throat.

Kept him happy, didn't I?

More than you did, sitting on the end of his bed looking miserable.

I told him jokes.

Loved a joke, Dad did.

You should've heard him laugh when I told him about you and that girl

who used to work in the sweet factory.

-She was the assistant manageress. -Was she hell as like.

She was a rock puller.

Got a big, sticky dollop of rock and slung it over a hook and pulled it.

And slung it over the hook again and pulled it again.

When I told him that when you tried to pull her, she told you to sling your hook,

he choked on his bismuth and he was a goner.

Died laughing, Dad did.

Look, all this is beside the point. I've got the watch and I'm sticking to it.

All right, all right.

Talk about it later. My train doesn't go till 9:30. I'll look in on the party.

-You'll do no such thing. -How you gonna stop me?

I'll have you thrown out.

That'd be a nice little scene, wouldn't it?

You standing there, all pompous, and me yelling at the top of me voice,

''Po-Face has nicked me watch! Po-Face has nicked my watch!''

-Somebody will hear you. -They'll hear me, all right.

Look, if I let you have it, will you give me a solemn oath

that you'll be on that 9:30 train?

As a commercial traveller and a gentleman, I give you my word.

Don't pull the chain too hard, you'll flush yourself.

Just be on that 9:30 train.

Don't take any tin money!

To think that you've come to this.

(DOOR SHUTTING)

(BLOWING A RASPBERRY)

All right, let's have a look at your hands. Good, clean as a whistle

Oh, like ivory, Godfrey. Marvellous. Good.

Well done. What's all that purple stuff on your hands, Pike?

Oh, no need to worry about that, Uncle Arthur. No. It's gobstopper, look.

For heaven's sake, get rid of it before Captain Mainwaring sees you.

You know, when he came back from meeting that brother of his...

he fair bit my head off just because I asked him to tell me the time by his watch.

You mean, we're going to have the pleasure of meeting Captain Mainwaring's brother?

As a matter of fact, I don't think he's been invited.

For goodness sake, Godfrey son, have you lost all the little wits you used to have?

Mainwaring's brother is the black sheep of the family.

He is the skeleton in the cupboard!

If he comes to the party, Mainwaring will be exposed to the world as the fraud that he is.

Did you hear me? Exposed to the world!

I do hope there'll be enough cucumber sandwiches.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right. Halt.

I'm sorry I'm late, Sergeant Wilson, but I've been killing my moths.

Oh, I see.

-This is my announcing suit. -Is it really? Well, you look very smart, Jonesy.

-Very good. -Where's Captain Mainwaring?

I think he's escorting the General from the Colonel's office... Colonel's house, rather.

We better get to our positions, I think, don't you?

I'll go over there, shall I? The piano. And you, Jonesy, you start, will you do that?

-Start announcing the guests. -Right.

There we are. Come on. Lovely, this is all right.

Cor blimey, what's going on here? Old folks' clinic?

Just a minute.

What you coming through the side for? You're supposed to come through the front entrance.

And I'm supposed to announce who you are.

-Well, we know who we are. Where's the booze? -Oh, for heaven's sake, we haven't started yet.

-Would you care for a cucumber sandwich? -Oh, yes, very nice. Ta.

Oh, this is lovely. Mmm!

Very tasty.

I say, how delicious.

(MUFFLED) They're all right, they are!

-Only two left. -Oh, pity to waste them.

Go and get some more.

HODGES: All right, aren't they?

-Sergeant Wilson. -Yes?

-Mainwaring's brother is coming up the drive. -What?

He'll be exposed. I knew it.

(CLATTERING)

That's a damn silly place to leave a fire bucket, innit?

(SINGING DRUNKENLY)

Who's drawn these curtains?

Is this... Hello, good evening, everybody. Is this the party?

-Excuse me, sir. -Yes.

-Could you tell me your name, please? -Mainwaring, Barry Mainwaring.

Jokes and carnival novelty.

M'lords, ladies and gentlemen.

Mr Barry Mainwaring, jokes and carnival novelties.

Hey, is this a fancy dress do?

You must be Captain Mainwaring's brother. How very nice to meet you.

Oh, it is a fancy dress. You've come as a vicar. Your collar is the wrong way round.

Never mind.

Have an exploding cigar.

(BARRY SINGING RAUCOUSLY)

He's all tiddly, you gotta do something about him.

-What can I do? -Well, go and talk to him. Go on, talk to him.

Hello. How very nice to see you. I think we have met before.

In fact, I think we spoke to each other on the telephone.

-Certainly. Yes, you're the one with the posh voice. -What?

Oh, yes.

I thought I'd given him a bit of a rough time this afternoon

-so I've come around to apologise. -Oh, I see.

Apologise? You don't want to apologise to Napoleon.

-Napoleon? Is that what you call him? -Yes.

-Very good. Do you know what I used to call him? -No.

-Po-Face. -Po-Face? That's good, innit? Po-Face!

-If you ask me, that just about describes him. -That'll be quite enough of that, Mr Yeatman.

Uncle Arthur, we gotta do something about him. He's showing Mr Mainwaring up.

More guests arriving. He'll be exposed. It'll be the ruin of him.

Don't panic. There's more guests arriving. We got to keep calm. We got to keep calm.

-Now, don't panic. -WILSON: All right, Jonesy.

Perhaps he might care to go to the dressing room and wash his hands or something.

That's a very good idea, Godfrey. Frank, take him in there.

Jonesy, you carry on with announcing the guests, will you?

-Right, sir. -George.

Here, this chemist's shop...

there's a girl assistant at the counter, you see?

And a fellow comes into the shop and he said...

-Excuse me, would you like to wash your hands? -What are...

That's a pity. He was just getting to the fruity bit.

Well, speaking for myself, I'm very glad he was stopped.

There's a basin in the corner. I'll go and get you a towel.

Thank you, sir.

M'lords, ladies and gentlemen, Captain Doubleday and Major Shoesmith.

No, no, no. Major Doubleday and Captain Shoesmith.

M'lords, ladies and gentlemen, the other way round.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

BARRY: Let me out! You've locked the damn door!

-Uncle Arthur, play something. -All right.

-I just thought of something to keep him quiet. -All right.

-Can you play In The Mood? -What?

-It's popular at parties. -Is it really?

Would you care for a cucumber sandwich? They're quite nice. My sister Dolly made them.

I'm sorry, emergency call.

Here, would you like one of Mr Godfrey's sandwiches?

His sister Dolly makes them.

-Go on, Uncle Arthur. Play up. -All right.

Here, you can have this. As long as you promise to be as quiet as a church mouse.

Well, here we are, sir. Private Frazer will take your cap.

Sir.

-Would you tell me your name, please, sir? -Major General Anastruther Stephenson.

-Sir, could you tell me your name, please, sir? -Yes, Captain... Oh, get on with it.

(WILSON PLAYING PIANO)

M'lords, ladies and gentlemen. Major General Anas...Stephens

and Captain Mainwaring Esquire, and some other people.

Hello, Napoleon.

-Good evening. -I've just been talking to your brother.

-You what? -I thought that'd wipe that smile off your face.

Your po-face.

Excuse me. Mr Mainwaring, you've got nothing to worry about.

I've locked him in that side office there

and he's promised to be as quiet as a church mouse.

-What sort of a state was he in? -Drunk.

There's very little chance of him keeping that promise.

No, he will, he will, 'cause I bribed him.

Gave him a whole bottle of sherry to himself.

You stupid boy.

-Well, what else was I supposed to do? -Don't use that tone of voice to me.

Frazer, Jones, get him out of there.

But all these people will see him and you'll be exposed.

-Well, shove him through the window. -Yes.

You rely on us, sir. We'll shove him through the window, sir.

-Would you care for a cucumber sandwich, sir? -Go away.

Wilsie, play the piano while we push Captain Mainwaring's brother through the window.

-What do you suggest? -Make it loud.

All right, you go on ahead. I've had a better idea.

FRAZER: Right.

(HUMMING)

(EXCLAIMS)

-We'll never get him through there. -We might be able to manage.

Excuse me, sir. Do you mind if we push you through the window?

What's going on? Is the landlady after me?

Heave.

(GRUNTING)

Tell him to try sideways. Turn sideways.

-Up we go. That's it. Your way. -Right.

Okay, straighten it. That's it. Straight through.

I used to time some infantry fire, via the...

Excuse us.

-Just getting rid of the empties. -Good, good.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

No good trying him sideways, he's as broad as he's long.

Hey, I say, is this some sort of parlour game? Like sardine?

Here, here, let's put him in this.

That's a good idea, Pikey.

Sir, we've finished with the window now. Try getting in the cupboard.

Ah!

Oh, it is sardines.

Oh, boy.

-There. -Hey, I'm not hiding with him. He's an undertaker.

Just a minute. Just a minute. Just a minute.

You're not going to saw me in half, are you?

You lock it, go on. We'll bolt it, make sure he can't get out.

Now, if we all lift at the same time, you see...

Who's the next one in?

Hey, here's a hammer.

If you know the formula, you can...

(HAMMERING)

...you can work out the distance between you and the chap who's shooting at you

by the length of time between the crack and the thump, you see.

What's that noise?

It's my sergeant. He doesn't often play the piano.

-That'll be enough, Wilson, thank you. -No, no. I mean, the hammering.

Oh, hammering? I hadn't noticed any hammering. Excuse me, sir.

Go and find out what's happening in there, will you?

All right, sir. All right.

Well, that's it.

(BARRY SINGING)

-Get the man in. -Come on in, come on.

My turn again, is it? Soon comes round, doesn't it?

-Come on, Wilson, give us a bit of a hand. -All right, Jonesy. Yes.

-Now when I say lift, we'll all lift. -All right.

Ready, lift!

Pikey, he's not much of a weight, is he?

No, you see, it's much easier when you all pull together.

-Come on. -Hey! Look.

Doesn't look after his boots like Captain Mainwaring, does he?

Come on, put it down.

What floor is this, then?

Captain Mainwaring, I hope your men are not doing any damage in that dressing room?

His Reverence has heard some very strange noises.

No, nothing to worry about at all, I can assure you. Just a little domestic matter.

I think the Captain's putting a very brave face on it, don't you, Vicar?

Excuse me. I'm discussing tactics with the General.

It's nice to know the Captain's got a brave face as well as another sort of face, innit?

Oh, well done. Well done, chaps.

My chaps are just doing a bit of clearing up.

-Good show, getting rid of the empty ones, eh? -This one's a wee bit full, sir.

-Wilson. -Yes, sir?

-Everything all right? -Yes, sir.

-Could I have a word with you in private? -Yes. Excuse us, sir.

Of course.

-What's happening? -He passed out, sir.

But Jones is gonna take him in his van to the station.

-Ah, well done. -Matter of fact, I got this watch back for you, sir.

I know how much you treasured it.

Thank you very much. I appreciate that, Wilson.

Look, on second thoughts, he hasn't got very much.

See him safely onto the train, will you, Wilson? And give that back to him.

-And wish him well. -All right, sir. All right.

I, um, I hope he appreciates it.

There's only one left, sir. Would you care to have it?

No, thank you, Godfrey. The General wants to talk to me.

Delicious.

My sister has a wonderful way with cucumber sandwiches.

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