Original subtitles

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler

If you thInk we're on the run?

We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game

We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn

'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler

If you thInk old England's done?

Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8..2 1

But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun

So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler

If you thInk old England's done?

Now, boys, Mr Mainwaring's very busy, as you know,

so he's asked me to give a lecture on bayonet practice.

So, I shall.

Now, there's no substitute for the cold steel.

They do not like it up them. They don't like it up them!

I might have mentioned that to you before.

Many times. Many, many times.

-You can say that again, Taffy. -Thanks.

Silence in the ranks! I will not have speaking when I am speaking.

Now, put that cigarette out, Private Walker.

Now, a very important item to remember is the scream.

That certainly puts the wind up the enemy.

And that is performed by taking a deep breath in the lung and....

Got that? Now, I want you all to scream.

Deep breath and....

Hold it!

Now, Mr Godfrey, you're the medical orderly, so I don't think you ought to do any screaming.

Go and put the kettle on.

I'd like to remain, if I may, Mr Jones. I'd rather like to do some screaming.

Oh, all right then. Right, well, here we go, boys. One big scream and....

What a terrible noise. What on earth's going on out there?

Bayonet practice.

Oh, I see. Can't they do it just a little bit more quietly?

Of course they can't do it quietly. This is action, Wilson.

-Action with a capital ''A''. -Is that what it is?

Yes, I wouldn't mind seeing some action from you. A bit of screaming.

Yes, well, somehow I don't think screaming is quite my style, sir.

Sometimes I wonder just exactly what is your style, Wilson.

-See who that is, please. -Yeah, of course.

Yes, who is it?

Ah. Thank you very much indeed.

Oh, yes. It's for you, sir. It's from Gills, the tailor.

Oh, splendid!

Oh, thank you. Oh, splendid, I've been waiting for this.

-It's arrived just in time for the parade. -Oh, really? What parade?

Ceremonial church parade. On Sunday.

-We've been discussing this for weeks. -Oh, yes. Of course we have. Yes.

What do you think of it?

-What do I think of what? -My hat, of course.

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes, indeed. I think it's awfully nice, sir. Yes.

Now, when you're bayoneting this dummy, Pikey,

I want you to imagine that is Mr Hitler himself in person, right, boy?

Now, then. I want to hear you scream. Come on.

(SCREAMING HESITANTLY)

Come on. Come on.

(SCREAMING LOUDLY)

That's very good, that is.

Right, bayoneting and screaming at Mr Hitler in person in your own time!

Go!

(PIKE SCREAMING)

My hat! Look at my hat!

Open this door at once!

-Who is that? -It's me, Mr Mainwaring.

Well, let go of it, boy. Let go at once.

-You all right, sir? -Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.

I missed the dummy and I couldn't stop myself.

You stupid boy, look at my hat.

Look at the hole. Was your head in it?

(PHONE RINGING)

-You did that with your bayonet. -Hello?

I'm going to stop the money for this out of your wages, you understand?

Awfully nice to hear your voice. Oh, yes, indeed it is.

-Yes, he's here. It's your wife, sir. -What?

Your wife.

-Tell her I'm not here. -I'm sorry, sir. She heard you shouting, you see.

-Really? -Yeah.

Hello, Elizabeth.

Yes.

Well, the fact is, dear, that I just can't stand sleeping with you anymore in the shelter.

What?

But there hasn't been an air raid in months and it's very uncomfortable.

No, of course I didn't wait till you had gone out to remove the bedding from the shelter.

Don't stand gawping there, boy. Get out.

What? No, no. I wasn't talking to you.

Well, no. Of course I can't come and put it back. Not now.

I shan't be dismissing this parade for at least half an hour.

What?

Oh, very well.

-Would you dismiss the parade please, Arthur? -Yes, of course I will, sir.

So we don't get anymore nasty accidents, let's push this up to the other end of the hall.

-Come on. Steady with it, steady. -Captain Square!

Platoon, attention!

-Good evening, sir. -Good evening, Corporal.

-Captain Mainwaring anywhere about? -I'll go and fetch him.

No, don't worry. I'll just breeze in.

That's a most impressive row of medals you've got there.

-Thank you, sir. I'm very proud of them. -And so you should be, my man.

Do you realise that you are carrying on your chest an illuminated history of the British Empire?

Very sound, very sound. Good man. Right, carry on, Parkins.

Come in.

Captain Square to see you, sir.

-Good evening, sir. Good evening. -Good evening, Sergeant.

This is Sergeant Parkins, my butler.

Rotten sergeant, damn good butler.

-Is Captain Mainwaring anywhere about? -I'm afraid not, sir. He's just gone home.

I won't stay very long in that case. All right, Parkins.

Prepare to sit. Sit.

Now, the reason I called

is to find out whether Captain Mainwaring ever receives the battalion orders I sent out.

-Oh, what orders? -About the medals.

What medals?

Why do you keep repeating everything I say? What's the matter with you?

There's nothing the matter with me, sir. I just can't quite follow your drift.

Well, a week or so ago, when I was the acting adjutant, I sent out battalion orders

about the forthcoming ceremonial church parade,

in which I said that all decorations and medals would be worn.

And, so far, Captain Mainwaring has not acknowledged it.

-Well, we didn't get it. -You must have got it.

-Went out about 1 0 days ago, didn't it, Parkins? -Most definitely, sir.

-Cook delivered it personally. -Well, I can assure you we didn't get it.

No, wait a minute. Oh, dear. Yes, I do remember now.

I was.... Yes, that's right.

I was going through some of the papers with Captain Mainwaring

and he put one of them in this drawer and he said it was nothing important.

-Have a look in the drawer. -I can't do that.

Of course you can. He's left you in charge, hasn't he?

Yes, but I don't think it's quite right.

Such a strange thing for him to do, really. Most unlike him, you know, he's so meticulous.

(MUTTERING)

There it is, I think. No, it isn't. This is it. Yes, that.

-I'll soon tell you. -Is that it?

Yes, of course, it is.

''On the forthcoming ceremonial church parade on Sunday the 21 st,

''all decorations and medals will be worn.

''Signed, Captain Square, acting adjutant, pompous idiot.''

-Pompous idiot? Who the devil wrote that? -No, no, sir, really, it wasn't me.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. The penny's beginning to drop.

During the last shindig, I was with Lawrence in the desert,

-fighting Johnny Turk. Who were you fighting? -Just the usual Germans.

-And what about Mainwaring? -Well, he wasn't fighting anybody.

He was on the army of occupation after the war.

(CHUCKLING)

As I suspected. No wonder he never read out those orders. Hasn't got any medals.

He didn't want the other chaps to wear their medals, dog in the manger.

If nobody else is wearing their medals, no one will know that he hasn't got any medals.

-Doesn't want to be shown up. -I wonder if you're right.

Of course I'm right, my dear fellow. Listen to this.

Tonight when you dismiss this parade, you'll read out that order loud and clear.

-You understand? -Of course.

Good. Carry on, Parkins.

-Now, that's an order, it's an order. -All right, good night.

Yes, ''All decorations and medals will be worn. Signed, Captain Square...

''pompous idiot.''

He's a lIttle boy....

(KNOCKING)

MAINWARING: Come in.

Ah, sir....

Well, the men are sort of lined up on parade, sir, if you'd care to cast an eye over them.

Cast an eye over them?

They're not a balance sheet, Wilson. They're a trained fighting unit.

-Right, sir. -And you're supposed to be their sergeant.

For heaven's sake, pull yourself together, Wilson.

Get your shoulders back and your chin in. Stand up like a man.

-Is that better? -Not really, no.

Platoon, attention!

Platoon ready for inspection, sir.

-Thank you, Corporal. -Thank you, sir.

Very smart, Corporal.

-Who gave you permission to wear those medals? -Sergeant Wilson, sir.

In addition, he ordered them to wear theirs as well as also.

-What are you up to? -I beg your pardon?

-You trying to undermine my authority? -Not at all, sir.

-It was a battalion order, I merely passed it on. -I see.

You've not heard the last of this, Wilson.

-See me in the office after the parade. -All right.

Are you entitled to all that ironmongery?

That's not iron, sir.

That there's the Khedive's Star, sir. That was personally presented to me

by the Khedive in Egypt in the first Sudanese campaign, sir.

I want you to understand, sir, that in that campaign we was not fighting the Egyptians.

They was on our side, sir.

And they was fighting the Mad Mahdi, and he was fighting General Gordon.

So that meant that we was fighting the Mad Mahdi

'cause General Gordon was on the same side as us, him being British, you see, sir?

-You follow me so far, sir? -Yes, thank you, Corporal.

That there's the Queen's Sudan Medal, sir.

That was presented to me at the second Sudanese campaign against the Mad Mahdi, sir.

-Yes, very interesting. -I haven't come to the exciting bit yet....

All right, later.

Is that an authentic decoration or is it some foreign thing?

That, sir, is the Polar Medal for the Shackleton Expedition.

-Really? -A wild and lonely place it was, sir.

Nothing for the eye to behold but ice and snow.

-So they made the ribbon white. -Very appropriate.

I notice you're not wearing your medals, Captain Mainwaring.

-Did you leave them at home? -No talking in the ranks, Frazer.

Permission to speak, sir.

Sir, that Mad Mahdi what we was fighting in the second Sudanese campaign

is not the same Mad Mahdi as what we fought in the first campaign.

That was his son what he begat.

-I see, thank you. -Yes, sir.

In my opinion, sir, he wasn't mad at all, but you know how people talk.

Yes, they do.

Mind you, he was mad enough the day he had his horse shot from under him.

He was madder that day, I reckon.

He was madder than the first Mad Mahdi was that day, sir.

But I mustn't keep you, sir. You got your work to do.

I thought you didn't approve of wearing these things, Godfrey.

It was an order, sir, and I didn't want to upset you by appearing bare-breasted.

You wouldn't have upset me, I can assure you.

They've come up quite nicely, haven't they?

My sister Dolly had a go at them with powdered chalk and vinegar.

Mind you, lemon juice would have been better, but we couldn't get any lemons.

Thank you, I'll bear that in mind.

What's all that rubbish?

My Scout badges.

-Scout badges? -Yes.

That's my Tenderfoot.

That's Knots and Splices, First Aid, Fire-Making and that one's Elementary Tracking.

-Get them off as soon as this parade's over. -Well, I didn't want to put them on.

No, it was my mum.

She said if Uncle Arthur.... Sergeant Wilson was going to show off, I've got to show off, too.

Yes. Fortunately, Sergeant Wilson has more sense.... Wilson! What are you doing?

Well, I'm entitled to them.

You're not entitled to get dressed while I'm inspecting the troops.

Oh, I see.

Walker.

This isn't a musical comedy, you know.

-Get that off. -Hang on, Mr Mainwaring.

That's the Sacred Order of the Golden Kris of Abu Dhabi.

-Given to you by the Sheik of Araby, I suppose. -Now, as a matter of fact, he was a sheik.

And he had 34 wives. He was staying in this posh hotel in Park Lane.

Now, I was on the hall porter staff at the time, you see,

and one day, he hadn't brought any of his wives with him.

So this prime minister, he comes up to me, he was an Arab and all, and he says,

''Here, can you fix him up with a bird?'' So I say, ''I don't know. I'll see what I can do.''

So I gets on the blower, I gets on the blower to a friend of mine,

and he was very grateful.

He gave me this, a kiss on both cheeks and 1 0 quid.

I can't stand any more of this.

Wilson, dismiss this parade and see me in the office.

All right, sir. Right. Pay attention, will you, please.

I would like to say on behalf of Captain Mainwaring and myself,

how very grateful we are for the trouble you have taken in your appearance in this parade tonight.

-Wilson! -You all look absolutely lovely.

Okay, same time, same place tomorrow,

and do please try and get here at the right time. Will you do that? All right.

-Wilson, get in here! -Right.

Shut the door.

Come here.

-How dare you? -I beg your pardon?

How dare you go over my head in this underhand fashion!

There's no need to make such a fuss about it, sir.

After all, it was a battalion order and I merely passed it on. That was all.

-It was in my pending drawer. -I know it was.

You've no authority to rummage in my pending drawer.

-No, but.... -Oh, blimey! Typical English summer, isn't it?

-What the hell do you want? -And happy Christmas to you, too.

Look, do you mind not dripping all over my part two orders?

Sorry.

I do not approve of these medals sprawling across everybody's chest.

It's this war that counts, not the one before, or the one before that.

-What's the matter? Didn't they give you any? -We're not discussing me.

In fact, we're not discussing anything with you. Get out of my orderly room.

Just a minute, this is a vicar's office and he gives me permission

to hang my hat in here anytime I choose.

He wants to get some service in, don't he?

And I've got a lecture on in here tonight so keep your voice down.

-What a common man he is. -Oh, I know, he's absolutely awful.

Nevertheless, you know, he was with us in the last lot.

-What do you mean? -He was wearing his '1 4-'1 8 medals.

That's just the sort of thing I don't approve of. Gallantry is one thing,

but issuing these bits of brass for any tin-pot campaign just because people were there,

-just makes a mockery of the whole thing. -Well, I wouldn't....

Do you mind?

Good evening, Mr Mainwaring.

Would you have any objection if I have a ferret in the vicar's drawers?

-Do you have to do it now? I'm rather busy. -He wants his medals for Sunday parade.

I think they are in the top left.

Ah, here they are. Pip, Squeak and Wilfred.

They'll set his surplus off a treat when he's conducting the community hymn singing.

There you are. That's precisely what I mean.

What on earth did he do to earn those?

Sing two verses of Rock of Ages in a French field, and they came up with the rations?

There's no harm done, sir.

I think it's rather marvellous when we have parades like this

and people like Captain Square can go striding out at the head of their platoon

with their gongs waving in the breeze.

Oh, yes. He'll love every second of it.

On the other hand, it can't be quite so much fun for those of us who...

well, who haven't got any medals.

-How do you mean? -Like Private Pike, you see.

-You're dismissed, Sergeant Wilson. -All right.

-Go and polish your medals up for Sunday. -Aye, sir.

-You better polish your cap badge. -I said you were dismissed!

Here comes the bogey man....

Well, there we stood, face to face.

My eyes looking into his eyes and his eyes looking into my eyes.

Then I saw his eyes flicker

and I pressed home my advantage.

I asked him, all innocent like,

''Are you not wearing your medals, Captain Mainwaring?''

Of course, I knew all the time that he had none to wear.

Oh, hush my voice, my voice.

I can hardly wait to see everybody's face

when he turns up in front of the whole battalion with no medals.

Aye, he cannae worm out of this.

To every man that sins, comes nemesis.

Aye.

Here comes the bogey man....

You know, I can't help feeling sorry for Captain Mainwaring.

I mean, it's not his fault he's got no medals, is it?

It's a perfect disgrace, man. Us being led by a man with nothing up here.

Mind you, he's got nothing up here, either, but....

Perhaps we ought to take our medals down,

you know, then Mr Mainwaring won't feel so out of place.

Morning, everybody.

-Fall the men in, Sergeant, please. -Aye, sir.

-Fall the men in. -Right, would you mind?

Would you mind doing that, please? Just fall in, please.

I have a very important announcement to make to the platoon.

-What's that, sir? -All in good time.

All right, sir. Platoon, attention!

Try and get it right, Jonesy. Ready for inspection, sir.

Stand easy.

Very smart, men. Credit to the platoon. Unfortunately, I have some bad news for you.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Owing to circumstances beyond my control,

I shan't be able to be with you on the parade this morning.

My...dear lady wife, knowing that this was a very important parade,

sent my uniform to the cleaners.

And she didn't tell me this until we were sitting down to lunch yesterday, Saturday.

I dashed round at once, of course,

but as you know, the cleaners shut at lunch time on Saturdays and, unfortunately, I was too late.

Had I had a second uniform, of course, it would have been a different matter.

-Come along, Pike, fall in, you're very late. -I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring.

-I've got something for you. -Oh, yes? What's that?

On my way home from the bank yesterday lunch time, I had to call in the cleaners

and pick up something and I saw your uniform hanging there so I brought it for you.

It's two and three.

Yes, well, thank you very much indeed, Pike. It's very kind of you.

But, unfortunately, it doesn't help.

-There isn't time to change. -WILSON: The parade's not till 1 0:00, sir.

You've got 20 minutes and we don't mind waiting for you.

-Do we? -No.

WILSON: Not at all.

The lIght-hearted gay kInd of charm you dIsplay

That's for me

The wonderful sly lIttle trIck wIth your eye....

Three halves of bitter, one and three.

-Thank you, Shirley. -No, no. Have this with me here, Walker.

Thank you, sir.

-Care for a drink, Verger? It's my round. -That's very civil of you, sir.

Make it a lemonade shandy. Not too much beer, Shirley.

Mustn't forget it's the Lord's Day.

The Lord's Day, yeah. What about you, Vicar?

Oh, how very kind. I'll have a double scotch, please.

A double scotch as well, Shirley, please.

If you're in the chair, I'll have a double scotch and all.

I don't think I extended the invitation to you.

Colonel?

Colonel?

-Yes? -You care for a drink with Number One platoon?

No, thanks. Square here has lined them up for us.

Make it a single for His Reverence. He's a martyr to it, you know.

Is he?

-We don't want a scene, do we? -No, no, of course not.

Shirley, make that a single, will you?

Well, Mainwaring, did you enjoy the parade?

Yes, thought it was a really smart turnout, didn't you?

Yes, indeed. Sorry you chaps were behind us. We couldn't see your drill.

-But we heard them, didn't we? -Oh, yes, yes we heard them.

Late, eh?

Yes, well, unfortunately the wind was blowing away from us.

Some of us had difficulty in hearing the word of command.

-Yeah. -I think some of you had difficulty in marching.

-Just let's ignore him, Wilson. -Yes, well I was actually.

I'll tell you what, Mainwaring, next time we have a parade like this,

you must ask the Colonel here if your chaps can do it in bath chairs.

Now that's not fair. Captain Mainwaring was striding out like a two-year-old.

Yes, he was. I thought you really looked awfully smart, sir.

Of course, sir. He didn't have as much weight to carry as you, Captain Square.

Him not having any medals, like.

When Hitler arrives, it'll be fighting efficiency that counts.

-Be no use waving medals in his face. -Yeah.

It'll be a damn sight better than waving your pension books.

My men could wipe the floor with yours any day.

They're fitter and a damned sight better trained, and what's more, they're better led.

WALKER: Hear, hear.

That's fighting talk, ain't it, Colonel?

We can outshoot you, outthink you, and run rings round you.

Because we're not stifled with old-fashioned ideas and Colonel Blimp mentality.

You tell him, Mr Mainwaring. Go on, tell him.

By Jove, Mainwaring, you will prove that or apologise.

Well, I certainly won't apologise, and we can't prove it till the Boche arrive.

We don't have to wait for that, you know.

There's always the battle course, the field firing range.

-And we can easily think up some initiative tests. -Damn good idea.

I accept. How about you, Mainwaring? You're going to accept or are you backing down?

-We're not backing down. -Of course we accept.

I want to see this, here. Can I be an umpire, Colonel?

I mean, I'm civil defence. I won't be biased, will I?

The verger and I will be umpires, as well.

And the fact that you have only bought me a single scotch

will have no effect on my judgement whatsoever.

-Settled then. We accept, don't we, sir? -Yes, of course we accept.

All right. Now I have only one condition to make.

And that is, that every man who took part in the parade today, takes part in the test.

-Sounds fair to me, Mainwaring. -Yes, all right. I think it's very fair.

-Don't you, Wilson? -Yes, I do. I think it's very fair, indeed.

Very fair, indeed. Yes. Just means we'll lose, that's all.

There's a land of begIn agaIn

on the other sIde of the hIll....

Pay attention, everyone.

Pay attention. Pay attention, there. Pay attention.

They're paying attention, sir.

Thank you, Corporal.

Well, now the details of the tests against the Eastgate platoon are to hand.

And we can now put you in the picture.

I've no doubt you would agree that you hear quite enough of my voice.

-Hear, hear. -Watch it, Walker.

So I'm going to ask Sergeant Wilson to brief you all.

-You carry on, Sergeant. -Thank you very much, sir.

Do you think I could borrow your little stick?

Certainly not.

Right. Well, now.

Both platoon commanders will start here in their platoon vans.

-Well, tell them about the map references. -I beg your pardon.

-The map references. -Yes, all right, I was going to.

Now before the start, both platoon commanders will be given a map reference,

and we have to get there and to find the place as quickly as we can. Right?

Using maps.

-Beg your pardon? -Using maps.

Yes, but I would have thought that that was rather obvious.

-Nothing is obvious, Sergeant. -No, of course it isn't.

-Carry on. -Yes, quite. Oh, Lord.

-Where did I get to? -Practically nowhere.

No, but you see. You keep on interrupting, you see,

-and it's very difficult for me to.... -Initiative tests.

Right. Initiative tests. Right.

Now here we get to Point B. Point B here,

where we shall all be given our initiative tests.

-Right? -Excuse me, Uncle Sergeant.

Yes?

In what type of form will the initiative tests be put?

-Yes, well I.... -Perhaps I better answer that question.

Naturally, we don't know the form the initiative tests will take.

Otherwise we wouldn't be able to use our initiative, would we?

Thank you very much.

Stupid boy.

-Very well, sir. Can I go on now? -Carry on.

Right. Thank you. We then cross the river here,

and then we double cross the battle course there.

Then we fire five rounds of ammunition at the target.

-Live ammunition, of course. -Yes, of course. Live ammunition at the target.

Then we rush across to this tower here,

then we climb up onto the roof,

and run out the platoon flag which Private Walker has most kindly had made for us.

-And there it is. -By the way, that came to three quid.

Three pounds?

-That's a bit stiff, isn't it? -You were lucky.

I charged the Eastgate platoon a fiver for making theirs.

And the first platoon, of course, to run their flag out onto the pole

will be the winners.

-Now is that all quite clear? -Yes.

Captain Mainwaring, sir?

-I foresee one wee snag. -All right. What's that?

While we're rushing here and there, and running the flag up the pole...

old Godfrey will still be trying to climb out of the van.

Come, come. That's a bit of an exaggeration, isn't it?

No, it's no exaggeration. It's plain for all to see. The man's decrepit. No offence.

I admit I'm not as agile as I was, and my feet are rather bad,

-but I'm very determined. -Don't you worry, Mr Godfrey, we'll help you.

Yeah, we'll help you.

He's a millstone round our necks and you all know it.

It's folly to take him with us. Sheer folly.

Well, I'm afraid there's nothing to be done about it now, Frazer.

He was on the parade. Therefore, he must go on the test.

Must he?

It's my opinion if he had one spark of loyalty to the rest of us he'd break a leg.

Nothing personal, my old friend.

It's just, I'm speaking for the good of the platoon, you understand?

-He can't go around breaking legs at his age. -Well, a finger wouldn't be so serious.

No, a finger is no good. He could still walk with his arm in a sling.

No, it has to be a leg.

-I'm willing to help in anyway possible. -Good. That's it then.

-The only question is, how? -Oh, sit down and don't be ridiculous, Frazer.

-Permission to speak, sir. -Yes, Corporal.

In Victorian times gone past, sir, Dr Livingstone and other exploring gentlemen

used to be carried on a chair, between two poles.

I don't mean Poles the people, you know, sir. We didn't have them in Africa.

I mean bamboo poles, sir.

And four, strong, native chaps used to carry these gentlemen in these chairs,

and I suggest we carry Mr Godfrey in that manner.

-Who's going to carry you? -Don't start on me.

Sit down. Sit down.

Sit down.

As a matter of fact, I think that's a very good idea.

-Don't you, Wilson? -Yes, I do. I do, indeed.

-I think it's really rather quaint. -Right.

-Put that in hand, will you? -Yes, I will please.

Right. That disposes of the Godfrey embarrassment.

Make that no offence, Godfrey.

You know, that's what I like about this platoon. We have very agile minds,

which enables us to surmount all our difficulties.

We're going to run rings round that Eastgate mob,

and send them home with their tails between their legs.

-Are you all with me? -Yes.

Right. That's all. Dismissed.

I still think if Godfrey's willing....

England, our Island home....

Your flags.

All right. Now listen.

The vicar here will read out the map reference once.

You will then write it down and run back to your vehicles.

The verger will then give you a signal to start.

Right, Vicar.

Now I shall only read this once. So you must listen very carefully.

-Are you ready? -Oh, get on with it.

-Don't you start, Mainwaring. -Right. Here we go.

And the map reference is...

(EXHALING)

629,

571 .

-Right. -Right. Come on.

Mr Hodges, Mr Hodges, look what they've done to my flag.

-Er, is it safe? -Of course it is. Get on.

Do you mind if I put my arms round you, Mr Hodges?

The Eastgate platoon turned to the right.

-Are you sure you're going the right way, Frazer? -Of course I am.

If you think you could do any better, you're perfectly welcome to try.

Can't we go any faster, Jones?

We're doing 28 miles an hour. What more do you want?

I beg you pardon.

-What is it, Godfrey? -If you think I might be excused?

Certainly not. Get you head inside at once.

Are you sure we can't go any faster, Jones?

-Hit your foot hard on the floorboard. -I got me foot on the floorboard.

(STUTTERING)

What's the matter? What is it?

Jones, what are you doing?

-(STAMMERING) Permission to speak, sir. -What is it?

-I'm afraid I got the old trouble back again, sir. -What's that?

(STUTTERING)

What?

-Malaria. -No. Stop the van at once!

All right, stay where you are, Jones. Yeah, stay there.

Medics.

MEN: (CHANTING) Open, two, three. Out, two, three.

Stop.

Explain to me. What are you doing?

You gave three blasts on your whistle. I thought it was a signal to open fire.

No, nothing of the sort. I want the medics. Get the medics.

-The medics? What? -It's Godfrey. Go and get Godfrey.

Why not say so? Godfrey, it's perfectly simple.

-What's happened, Mr Mainwaring? -It's Jones. He's got an attack of malaria.

Get him out, you two. Sponge, you go round the other side.

He won't let go of the steering wheel, Mr Mainwaring.

Medics.

Get a hold of his wrists. Sponge, you push.

(STAMMERING) He doesn't look too good to me, Mr Mainwaring.

-I don't feel too good, Mr.... -Don't worry, son. I'll look af-af-after you.

Where is Godfrey?

-MEN: (CHANTING) Out, two.... -Put them in.

Godfrey, where have you been?

I'm sorry, sir. As we stopped, I took the opportunity to be excused.

-You should be on hand at all times. -What's the matter, sir?

Jones has got a bout of malaria. Have you got anything we could give him?

I don't know. Oh, yes, sir. I've got some aspirins and bicarbonate of soda.

Yeah, and some ointment for wasp stings.

Wasp stings?

This is a fighting unit, not a Girl Guides outing. What would we do if one of us was wounded?

Quinine, sir. That's what we need. A bottle of quinine and he should be kept warm.

You're quite right, Frazer. Get some more blankets.

-You got any quinine? -Oh no, sir. I got a bottle of tonic wine.

My sister Dolly swears by it.

All right.

Here, Jones. Drink this.

Hold him. He's spilling it.

Right. Wrap him up. Put him in the back.

Don't worry about m-me, sir.

I've had these at-at-attacks for the last 40 years.

-They s-s-soon.... -Pass.

What on earth's the matter with Jonesy, Frank?

-He's got malaria, Uncle Arthur. -What?

You know, like Leslie Banks in Sanders of the RIver.

I couldn't stand that film. All those terrible drums.

Wilson, Pike, Walker, get him in the back of the van.

-Yes. -Get him in the back. Move on.

-Who's going to drive now, Mr Mainwaring? -I am.

Excuse me, sir. Do you think that's wise, sir?

-Don't argue. Just get in. -Right.

Right. Stand by. No, not now.

Another half-mile and we turn left, sir.

Thank you, Frazer.

-Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring. -Yes, what is it, Pike?

-Mr Jones has turned yellow. -Get some more blankets on him.

More blankets, right.

Don't you think we ought to get him to a doctor, sir?

No, no, no. We'd lose the race if we did that.

Besides, he said he's had these attacks before. It'll wear off.

-Coming up to the turning very soon now, sir. -How sweet.

-What is that? -We just passed a dear little cottage, sir,

with a thatched roof with roses round the ground. Just like Snow White's.

Never mind gawping at the cottages. Keep an eye on the road.

All right. All right, yes.

-Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring. -Yeah.

-Mr Jones isn't yellow anymore. -Good.

-No. He's turned purple. -Good. What?

He looks like a beetroot.

-Well, get some more blankets on him. -Oh, yes, of course.

Turn left here, sir.

That's it.

-Where's all that steam coming from? -Do you think the engine's overheating, sir?

It's not coming from the engine. What's going on back there?

-Mr Jones is steaming, sir. -Steaming?

The condensation is running down the wall.

Best thing for him. Let him sweat it out.

Give him plenty to drink.

Well, there's a little tonic wine. He's drunk half of that already.

Well, give him the other half. This is an emergency.

Next turning on the left coming up, sir.

That's it.

-How enchanting. -What is it?

We just passed that dear little Snow White's cottage again.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

-What? That means we're going round in a circle. -Oh Lord, does it?

Well, I.... This is your fault, Frazer. What are you doing?

Don't shout at me. We can all make mistakes.

Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring, Eastgate van's coming up behind us.

This is you, Frazer. Thanks to your bungling, they're catching us up.

How do you expect me to read a map properly with all your jerky driving?

I don't want any insubordination, Frazer.

-Take his name, Sergeant. -I know it.

-They're trying to get past us. -They won't get past me.

-Pull over. And let them pass. -Mind your own business.

-Will you pull over? -Clear off.

(HONKING)

-What are they playing at? -I know, I mean it.

What's going on?

Cor blimey, we'll soon sort that out.

Move over!

What do you think you're doing?

It's a good job you stopped, or you'd have been disqualified.

It's a good job I stopped, otherwise I would have run over you.

You were obstructing Captain Square.

Anymore of this bumping and boring, and you'll be out of the race, mate.

-This isn't fair, Vicar. -It's no good appealing to His Reverence

after that foul language you used just now.

-I didn't use any foul language. -Oh, yes, you did. I heard it quite plainly.

But fortunately the noise of the engines stopped it reaching His Reverence's ears.

They're getting awfully far ahead, Uncle Arthur.

Couldn't we continue this conversation some other time?

I'm making a protest, Wilson. Now, look here, Vicar....

I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring, we're only here as umpires to see fair play.

Drive on, Mr Hodges.

Oh, get walloped.

Why don't you chuck a bucket of water over it?

We haven't got a bucket of water, you blithering idiot.

(HORN TOOTING)

What the....

(JEERING)

Come back.

PIKE: Get yourself a horse.

Why have we stopped? We're well ahead of them.

We're going to be a lot further ahead, Frazer.

-Wilson, you see the sheep in that field? -Sheep? Oh, yes, yes.

I want you to take Frazer and the rest of the men, and drive those sheep through the bottom gap

so that they fill the road behind us.

I'd like to see Square get through that lot.

-Seems to be all right now, sir. -Well done, Sergeant.

Get in. They can't be far away.

Get off. How can I drive like that?

(SHEEP BLEATING)

I told you to drive them through the lower gap.

I'm awfully sorry, sir. But they seemed terribly keen to go through the higher gap.

Well, there's one consolation.

Square won't be able to get through this lot, either.

The biter bit, eh, Mainwaring?

What's the matter, Napoleon? Why are you looking so sheepish?

They're ridiculous. Go!

-They've gone the other way. We'll turn round. -They're gone the other way. We'll turn round.

The damn blinking gear.

Now they're going the other way. We'll turn round.

Now they've gone the other way. We'll turn round.

They're up to something. We better follow them.

They're up to something. We'll follow them.

Blimey, here we go round the mulberry bush.

Where are they? They should have been here ages ago.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Back up at once, do you hear? Back up at once.

Don't tell me to back up. You back up.

We'll soon see about that.

Everybody in the back, get out and push.

(BANGING)

Everybody in the back, get out and push.

What's going on? Come on, let's get this lot sorted out.

What's going on?

Heave!

Back up.

Clear off!

Help! Help!

Mr Mainwaring, I think the warden's drowning.

Quick, Wilson, come on.

No, on second thoughts, you stay here.

And when they're not looking, let their tyres down.

-Let their tyres down? -Let their tyres down!

-Excuse me, sir. -Yes, what is it? What is it?

There appears to be a person in trouble in the water.

Well, I'll go. You stay here.

While they're not looking, let their tyres down.

(GIBBERING)

Get yourself back down.

Get down!

(AIR ESCAPING)

-Got them? -Yes.

Pull, Mainwaring!

-Pull, Square! -Hold your tongue!

(TOGETHER) They're letting our tyres down, sir.

-What? -Yes.

And now, it's the initiative tests.

Mr Hodges, carry on.

-Where's Jones? -Well, they're bringing him as fast as they can.

Wait here.

I'm all right now, Mr Mainwaring? My malaria's completely subsidised.

I took one bottle of Mr Godfrey's wine, and I'm a new man.

-I'm a new man. -Good heavens, he's drunk.

Right, pay attention, please. Pay attention, men.

And now this is your first initiative test.

Are you listening, Mainwaring?

Just read it out. That's all you've got to do.

Take charge of him, Wilson. You're responsible for him.

-Why should I be held responsible for Jones? -Don't argue.

Hey, I'm a new man.

Could I have some attention, please, if you don't mind?

(MUTTERING)

Now. Attention.

Now, over here, the verger has hold of 24 balloons.

When I say, ''Go,'' he will release all 24 balloons.

You will then fix bayonets, and you will burst each and every one of those balloons,

before moving on to your next objective.

Right. Go!

Right fellowmen, fix bayonets, and charge!

Don't panic. Don't panic.

(INCOHERENT BABBLING)

-Wilson, are you a member of this platoon? -Well, yes, I suppose so.

Then burst these blasted balloons.

(INCOHERENT BABBLING)

My gun won't go in, Mr Mainwaring. They're not offering any resistance.

Stupid boy.

Hang on, Mr Mainwaring. I got it.

Mr Mainwaring! A safety pin is quite effective.

You have to open it, of course.

(BABBLING)

I'll fetch them. I'll get them, sir.

Ha ha! There's a couple.

I'll get him.

Hey, give me.... Give me this.

Right, rally. On to the next test. That's the lot.

Oh, no, it's not. What about that one?

I'll get it, sir! I'll get it, sir.

Hurry up, Mainwaring. Square's lot have finished.

He's going to win. I knew he would.

And you're not leaving until you got that one.

-I'll get him, sir! -Leave it to me, Jones.

(GUN FIRING)

-Good heavens. -What do you mean, ''Good heavens''?

Good heavens.

Wait a minute! You were supposed to do that with your bayonet.

Another word out of you, and I'll do you with a bayonet.

I'm rather enjoying this.

Heave. Lift.

Now, pay attention.

You as well.

Now, this tank here is full of feathers.

Now you're going to take them feathers, and put them in them barrels over there.

Get ready. Go!

Come on, Godfrey. Hurry up.

Don't you worry, Mr Mainwaring. I can do it. I'm good at this.

(SNEEZING)

Oh, this is no good.

I've got it.

Fill your caps, and stuff some feathers inside your tunics.

-Mr Mainwaring.... -No, not now.

Mr Mainwaring, if you'll just please.... Do you think you could spare me for a moment?

Certainly not.

(SNEEZING VIOLENTLY)

You've had some darn silly ideas in your time, sir, but this is the darn silliest.

That's enough of that, Frazer. That's no way to talk to an officer.

Come on, sharp's the word, men.

They're flying everywhere.

-Mr Mainwaring. -Yes, Pike.

(SNEEZING)

Oh, don't waste my time, Pike.

If I may say so, sir, this isn't working awfully well.

Have you any better suggestions?

-Mr Mainwaring. -Yes.

Don't you keep doing that.

Perhaps if we got a lot of bags....

That's a very good idea, yes. We'll use trousers and tie up the legs.

-Take your trousers off. -I will not take my trousers off.

Take your trousers off.

Why should I be the one to have to take my trousers off?

Because you're to set an example.

Right. Trousers off, everybody.

Why can't you set an example?

Wilson, ju-just do as you're told.

Right! Stuff the feathers down your trousers.

That's good, Walker.

Mr Mainwaring, this is not a very hygienic way of going on.

You're supposed to take your trousers off, tie the bottoms and stuff them down the legs.

-Do what? -Stuff them down the legs.

-Mr Mainwaring? -Yeah.

Why don't we take the barrels over to the tank,

fill the barrels there, and then take the barrels back there?

Now, look, Pike. One more stupid suggestion from you and I'll....

That's a very good idea.

Bring the barrels over to the tank!

Mr Hodges,

how's Square's mob getting on?

They're still carrying the feathers by hand. Mainwaring's out to win by miles at this rate.

Will they? We'll soon see about that.

(ENGLISH COUNTRY GARDEN PLAYING)

Mr Hodges! Mr Hodges! Mainwaring's lot are winning.

They'll be here in a minute.

Yeah? I'll soon cook his goose.

-What are you going to do? -I'm going to pull the plug out.

Right. Hurry up. Get in.

-You can't get in that boat. -Why not?

It's the wrong one. That's your boat over there.

I'll get in any boat I like. Now, look, just mind your own business.

Look, I insist you get in that other boat.

You really are being the most frightful bore this morning.

Please, Mr Mainwaring, please get in the other boat.

-I think he's gone off his head. -He always was a bit strange, you know.

Hurry up, Godfrey.

Oh dear, isn't this exciting!

Now I want to see this boat skip across the water.

That's going to be a wee bit difficult, sir.

-Why? -You've not untied it yet.

That'll do, Frazer. Cast off!

Go on! That's it.

-There. -Right.

Come along, men. In you get.

Don't get in that boat, Captain Square. I pulled the plug out.

You damn fool! What did you want to do that for?

Well, Mainwaring's lot were winning. I tried to stop them.

-What? -I did it for you, sir. I did it for you, sir.

Blithering idiot! Ha! Look.

There's another boat on that bank over there. Row over in that dinghy and get it.

Yes, sir. Of course, sir. Certainly, sir.

Sergeant, where are you? Where are you, Sergeant?

-There you are. What have you been doing? -I took the plug out of that dinghy, sir.

I think it will fit this boat.

I'm afraid it doesn't, sir.

Don't you worry, Captain Square.

Help!

Oh, no! No, not again.

Oh!

Here we go again!

Put that cigarette out, Walker.

Blimey! A few minutes ago you were only too glad of it.

This one's for you, Napoleon.

I'll get you, Mainwaring!

(GUN FIRING)

No sign of Captain Square, sir.

Looks as if we've won, Wilson.

When your men are finished, Mainwaring, all you have to do is to run

to the top of the tower and haul your flag out.

Very good, sir.

Why are you shaking like that, Jones? Not having another attack of malaria, have you?

No, sir. I always fire like this, sir. That's why I prefer the bayonet.

Well, get on with it.

Don't you think we've all finished?

-Hand me the flag, Wilson. -Flag? What flag?

The platoon flag, of course.

But you didn't say anything about bringing a flag.

I distinctly remember telling you to bring the flag.

FRAZER: I have it, sir.

Well done, Frazer.

I've finished, sir.

Finished firing, sir!

-Well, off you go, then. -Yes, sir.

Godfrey, you stay here. The rest of you, follow me.

-Right, Pike. You take the flag. -Yes, Mr Mainwaring.

Come along, hurry up. The Eastgate mob are hard on our heels.

It's the rhythm that gets you up the stairs, isn't it?

(BREATHLESSLY) One more flight... and I'd have quite definitely passed out.

Sure you know how to do that, Pike?

Yes, Mr Mainwaring. Supposed to be a loop in the rope to take the toggle on the flag.

-It must be here somewhere. -Mr Mainwaring.

The trouble with you, boy, you've no drive.

Mr Mainwaring!

Here we are. Here's the loop. There you are. Come on, get it up.

Mr Mainwaring, you've pulled the loop out of the pulley at the end!

Any more insubordination like that from you, and I shall complain personally to your mother.

Now how are we supposed to fly the flag?

Well, we can't without pulling the pole in.

-I'll get it in. I'll fix everything. -Jones, what are you doing?

I'm going to shim out, and then I'm going to shim back again.

-MAINWARING: Wilson, get him back here. -I can't stop him.

Hey! Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!

What is it?

That tonic wine's absolutely marvellous.

Come back here at once. It's not safe.

Don't worry about me, Mr Mainwaring. I'm as agile as a monkey, I am.

I'm as agile as a monkey.

The man's a fool!

Damn brave one.

It's my opinion that this is just to create an impression.

-Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! -Yes.

I've reached the end. What shall I do?

Thread the rope through the pulley.

Yes...what rope?

The rope that this flag is attached to.

Well, where is it?

-It's here. -It's here.

-What's it doing here, boy? -Well, you pulled it off the end.

Mr Mainwaring, throw it to me.

(SHOUTING)

Godfrey! Get a blanket!

I don't need a blanket. I'm not cold.

It's for if you fall.

I won't be cold if I fall, will I?

You will when you hit the ground.

Back, back, back, back!

Move it a bit to the right.

No, left, left.

Right! Here it comes!

(SHOUTING)

Mr Mainwaring, can't you throw it any nearer?

-What do you think I'm trying to do? -Here, let me have a try.

Dinnae miss this, you silly old twerp.

JONES: Wa-hey! I've got it.

-Move it over a bit. -Forward, forward.

-Hold it, hold it. Now a bit to the right. -ALL: A bit to the right.

Left....

Ooh! Wa-aaa....

-Mr Mainwaring. -Yes?

I think that wine's going to me head. Everything's going sideways.

Thread the rope through the pulley, and get back here as quickly as you can.

Right-o, Mr Mainwaring.

Oh, yes. Whoa, it's come away.

It's like trying to thread it through the camel of an eye of a needle.

Come back here!

Yes, all right, Mr Mainwaring. I'll be back in a minute.

Come on, men. Hurry up! They haven't got their flag up yet.

Mr Mainwaring, Mr Mainwaring!

-Yes. -I've got it! I've got it!

ALL: Hooray!

MAINWARING: Right. Come along, Jonesy. WILSON: As quickly as you can, get back.

Come on, then.

Oh, I've got it. I've got it. Oh, I've nearly dropped me top set out then.

There we are, Mr Mainwaring, put it over the other side.

That's it. It's all right, Mr....

There you go.

Oh, Mr Mainwaring, you saved my life again. You're always doing that.

-Oh, you deserve a kiss for that. -No!

Oh! It's started again, Mr Mainwaring. It's started again.

Come on, get the flag up, men, quick.

Put your jackets over him. Go and get some blankets for him.

More tonic wine!

Captain Mainwaring! Look! Look!

-What in the devil's going on here? -Bad luck, Mainwaring. You've lost.

-We were here first. -But you didn't get your flag out, did you?

And it's the flag that counts.

It's Number One platoon's flag. Mainwaring's won!

I shall make a formal protest about this. I tell you, we were here first.

Aye, but it's our flag that's flying.

What? You blithering idiots! You've flown their flag.

It was the one you gave me, sir.

Mainwaring, what is the meaning of this skulduggery?

It means you've lost.

By Jove, I'm going to have a word with the Colonel about this, you know.

I've got the most ghastly suspicion, you're a rank outsider.

Here. They forgot their flag. Chuck it over, Wilson.

Yes, I will do. Excuse me....

No, no, no. I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr Wilson.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

That's our flag.

And that's our flag.

Ah, yes. Now, look.

You see what happened was that I made a flag for us,

and it wasn't quite up to standards, so I made another one.

And I must have got the other one mixed up with their platoon's flag.

Ooh....

What a terrible mistake to have made.

Walker, I don't believe one word you've said.

No, I didn't think you would.

-Anyway, it was an initiative test. -And he did use his initiative, sir.

Now, I think you all know me well enough to understand

that I don't approve of this sort of thing.

-I think you behaved very badly in this matter. -Yes. Yes, sir.

And if any of you others were party to this,

I want you to know that you've incurred my severe displeasure.

ALL: Yes.

All the same, I'm damn glad we won.

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