All language subtitles for Bernard and the genie (1991) - DVDRip.XviD

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:52,297 --> 00:01:59,312 He's Mr. Success. He's higher than high. He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie. 2 00:01:59,432 --> 00:02:06,545 He's king of the hill. He's top of the heap. He's Mr. Unique. He's not Mr. Sheep. 3 00:02:06,665 --> 00:02:10,334 From the shine on his shoe To the stars in his eye 4 00:02:10,722 --> 00:02:15,301 If he were a girl He'd be Princess Di. 5 00:02:17,602 --> 00:02:24,999 He's Mr. Success. He's higher than high. He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie. 6 00:02:25,119 --> 00:02:32,515 He's king of the hill. He's top of the heap. He's Mr. Unique. He's not Mr. Sheep. 7 00:02:37,557 --> 00:02:38,862 Come! 8 00:02:40,549 --> 00:02:42,337 Ah, Bottle! 9 00:02:42,493 --> 00:02:45,447 Enter ye! Enter ye! 10 00:02:45,627 --> 00:02:46,642 Thank you, Sir. 11 00:02:48,604 --> 00:02:49,837 Oh, and er... 12 00:02:50,016 --> 00:02:51,555 Thanks for sending your limo, Sir. 13 00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:54,103 Oh, pish! Sit ye. Sit ye! 14 00:02:54,705 --> 00:02:55,595 Cigar? 15 00:02:56,170 --> 00:02:58,408 Oh, come on, take ye! Take ye! 16 00:02:58,775 --> 00:03:00,134 Excellent! 17 00:03:00,354 --> 00:03:04,650 Well... Bottle... You had quite a day yesterday, didn't you? 18 00:03:04,783 --> 00:03:06,048 Not bad, Sir! 19 00:03:06,166 --> 00:03:07,830 Better than a hefty kick in the trousers! 20 00:03:07,971 --> 00:03:11,009 Oh, come on, boast ye! Boast ye! 21 00:03:11,239 --> 00:03:14,330 Due to your ability to ferret out great works of art 22 00:03:14,408 --> 00:03:17,962 in the country houses of some mad short-sighted old sock-knitters, 23 00:03:18,158 --> 00:03:22,400 you've made this firm 50 million pounds in clear profit. 24 00:03:23,574 --> 00:03:24,449 Well not quite, Sir... 25 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,645 Not once we've paid the old ladies back their share. 26 00:03:27,223 --> 00:03:30,863 Oh, yes, now I wanted to talk to you about this, Bernard. 27 00:03:31,215 --> 00:03:32,684 Do you mind if I call you Bernard? 28 00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,754 No Sir, Bernie if you like. 29 00:03:35,325 --> 00:03:36,176 Yes... 30 00:03:36,786 --> 00:03:38,379 Well, the fact is, 31 00:03:39,527 --> 00:03:43,605 Bernard, I haven't quite mastered this refund bit. 32 00:03:43,786 --> 00:03:45,371 Elucidate ye! 33 00:03:45,504 --> 00:03:48,848 Well, Sir... I bought the paintings for a song. 34 00:03:49,214 --> 00:03:52,340 But I always said that if they turn out to be really valuable, 35 00:03:52,544 --> 00:03:54,004 we'd pay the owners back. 36 00:03:54,333 --> 00:03:55,332 Properly. 37 00:03:55,575 --> 00:03:56,801 Obviously not the full amount, 38 00:03:56,911 --> 00:03:58,145 because if we hadn't found them, 39 00:03:58,270 --> 00:03:59,957 the old ladies in question wouldn't have got anything. 40 00:04:00,012 --> 00:04:01,356 That's a good point, Bernard. 41 00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:04,512 That's a fully-fledged bastard of a good point. 42 00:04:05,233 --> 00:04:07,301 Yes, so now that we've sold them, 43 00:04:07,309 --> 00:04:09,910 I thought we'd return half the money to the lovely old birds. 44 00:04:10,247 --> 00:04:11,738 Oh, I see! 45 00:04:11,942 --> 00:04:12,762 Excellent! 46 00:04:12,911 --> 00:04:16,434 So you're suggesting we return 25 million pounds 47 00:04:16,468 --> 00:04:18,988 to the aforementioned old bats 48 00:04:19,158 --> 00:04:22,003 and keep a cool 25 mil for ourselves? 49 00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:23,395 That's the ticket, Sir. 50 00:04:23,441 --> 00:04:25,160 And I've got a list of some other old ladies 51 00:04:25,185 --> 00:04:27,925 who might have the odd Gainsborough tucked away in their attic. 52 00:04:28,246 --> 00:04:29,777 - Have you? - Yes. 53 00:04:30,285 --> 00:04:31,481 Good. 54 00:04:32,325 --> 00:04:33,285 Good. 55 00:04:34,208 --> 00:04:36,208 I like the cut of your jib, 56 00:04:36,637 --> 00:04:37,543 Bottle! 57 00:04:37,691 --> 00:04:38,926 I've been watching you... 58 00:04:39,175 --> 00:04:41,754 And I've been thinking about your future with the firm. 59 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:42,902 Thank you, Sir. 60 00:04:43,504 --> 00:04:46,020 I'm already assessing the prospects for the staff. 61 00:04:46,348 --> 00:04:49,731 And so naturally, my thoughts have turned to you. 62 00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,559 - Have they, Sir? - Yes, they have, Bernard. 63 00:04:53,012 --> 00:04:55,220 And I've made a big decision. 64 00:04:56,192 --> 00:04:57,551 And what's that, Sir? 65 00:04:58,738 --> 00:05:00,379 You're fired. 66 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,801 - Sorry, Sir? - Fired, Bottle! 67 00:05:05,239 --> 00:05:07,152 I sack ye! 68 00:05:07,301 --> 00:05:10,785 I want you and your philanthropic little arse 69 00:05:10,879 --> 00:05:12,824 out of this building, pronto, 70 00:05:13,028 --> 00:05:15,254 or I'll have you arrested for loitering. 71 00:05:15,394 --> 00:05:18,151 And probably throw a charge of sexual harassment into the bargain. 72 00:05:18,176 --> 00:05:20,715 - I'm not with you, Sir. - Not any more, you're not. 73 00:05:20,951 --> 00:05:22,613 And if I have anything to do with it, 74 00:05:22,809 --> 00:05:24,809 you won't be with anyone else, either. 75 00:05:25,184 --> 00:05:27,184 Miss Temple, take a letter. 76 00:05:27,684 --> 00:05:30,332 I want it circulated to everyone in the art world, 77 00:05:30,410 --> 00:05:32,536 including Gilbert and George... 78 00:05:33,075 --> 00:05:34,371 Dearest darlings... 79 00:05:34,481 --> 00:05:38,082 I write to warn you against employing a Mr B. Bottle, 80 00:05:38,309 --> 00:05:40,675 whom I've just caught attempting to steal... 81 00:05:40,770 --> 00:05:42,270 Notice steal there, Bottle. 82 00:05:42,527 --> 00:05:44,871 25 million pounds from me. 83 00:05:46,090 --> 00:05:47,581 Don't even interview him. 84 00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:49,506 He has just left my office, 85 00:05:49,531 --> 00:05:53,028 and suddenly my gold fountain pen has disappeared. 86 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,645 I'm therefore yours in crayon. 87 00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:59,981 P.S. I've just dropped in on my secretary, 88 00:06:00,051 --> 00:06:01,738 who looks distinctly harassed, 89 00:06:02,122 --> 00:06:03,457 sexually. 90 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:06,880 I think you get the message, Bottle. 91 00:06:07,794 --> 00:06:08,934 Yes, Sir. 92 00:06:12,223 --> 00:06:13,879 Not very nice message. 93 00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:17,637 No... it's a true-blue stinker. 94 00:06:18,707 --> 00:06:20,020 Farewell, Bottle. 95 00:06:20,153 --> 00:06:22,153 And never darken our doors again. 96 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:25,356 This is a profit-making organisation, not Help the Aged. 97 00:06:29,317 --> 00:06:30,910 Wait a minute...! 98 00:06:31,450 --> 00:06:33,106 This isn't just a lovely joke 99 00:06:33,129 --> 00:06:35,551 before you promote me to Head of Department, is it Sir? 100 00:06:37,262 --> 00:06:39,492 - No. - Oh. 101 00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:41,035 Right... 102 00:06:41,121 --> 00:06:43,402 Bugger ye off! 103 00:06:49,933 --> 00:07:00,814 He's Mr. No Good. He's Mr. Depressed. His butt has been kicked. His life's in a mess. 104 00:07:00,934 --> 00:07:12,107 He's Mr. Despair. He's Mr. Bad Luck. (?**) 105 00:07:27,832 --> 00:07:28,949 Home early, Sir! 106 00:07:29,050 --> 00:07:30,745 Did they give you the day off as a reward? 107 00:07:30,816 --> 00:07:32,605 Well, no actually, Kepple, they fired me. 108 00:07:32,684 --> 00:07:34,558 - Oh no, Sir! - Oh yes, Kepple. 109 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,769 I make them a fortune and they bloomin' well kick me out. 110 00:07:40,137 --> 00:07:41,316 That's terrible, Sir. 111 00:07:42,074 --> 00:07:43,785 Exactly the same thing happened to me. 112 00:07:43,832 --> 00:07:45,832 I used to work for this big oil firm. 113 00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:48,066 I discovered the formula for a new kind of petrol. 114 00:07:48,098 --> 00:07:50,098 Cleaner. Cheaper. More efficient. 115 00:07:50,527 --> 00:07:51,996 Kinder to the environment. 116 00:07:52,457 --> 00:07:54,167 I handed it in. The next day they fired me. 117 00:07:54,512 --> 00:07:55,933 I never saw a penny of the profits. 118 00:07:56,798 --> 00:07:58,519 - Is that true, Kepple? - No Sir, it's not. 119 00:07:59,105 --> 00:08:01,542 - Not true? - No, Sir, it's a total lie, Sir. 120 00:08:01,917 --> 00:08:03,214 I thought it might cheer you up. 121 00:08:08,371 --> 00:08:10,081 That's very decent of you, Kepple. 122 00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:46,487 Hello, I'm sorry I'm not in my office at the moment. 123 00:08:46,607 --> 00:08:48,641 Please leave a message, I'll get back to you. Bye. 124 00:09:09,058 --> 00:09:11,222 - Hello...? - Hi Kev, Bernie here. 125 00:09:11,253 --> 00:09:15,019 Oh, hi... look erm... things are a bit complicated right now, OK? 126 00:09:15,285 --> 00:09:17,394 God, you are like a rabbit... do you never stop? 127 00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:18,636 Yeah, I know. 128 00:09:19,533 --> 00:09:22,011 Er look, erm, I've got some pretty grizzly news. 129 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,463 Could do with a shoulder to cry on. 130 00:09:23,488 --> 00:09:24,667 I just tried Judy, but she's out. 131 00:09:24,738 --> 00:09:25,651 You don't know where she is, do you? 132 00:09:25,771 --> 00:09:28,035 Um... well... uh... 133 00:09:28,495 --> 00:09:30,868 - It's Bernie! - What? 134 00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:32,988 - I do, actually. - Oh, great! 135 00:09:34,348 --> 00:09:35,855 Hello, Bernard. 136 00:09:36,027 --> 00:09:37,205 Oh... hi, sweetheart! 137 00:09:37,325 --> 00:09:40,112 Oh look, you're not gonna believe what's gone and... 138 00:09:40,402 --> 00:09:41,589 ...bloomin' well happened... 139 00:09:41,691 --> 00:09:43,371 I reported into work this morning, and... 140 00:09:45,105 --> 00:09:46,152 Wait a minute...! 141 00:09:47,292 --> 00:09:49,472 What in the banana tree are you doing there? 142 00:09:50,004 --> 00:09:52,004 Well, you had to find out some time. 143 00:09:52,152 --> 00:09:53,613 It might as well be now. 144 00:09:54,473 --> 00:09:55,808 Look, the thing is... 145 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,776 Kevin and I are deeply in love. 146 00:10:00,964 --> 00:10:02,791 Yeah, sorry about this, mate. 147 00:10:03,105 --> 00:10:03,824 And we thought... 148 00:10:03,902 --> 00:10:06,488 Seeing as you're getting so successful and everything, these days... 149 00:10:06,582 --> 00:10:08,722 Yeah, congratulations. Great news. 150 00:10:08,808 --> 00:10:10,762 Perhaps you wouldn't mind so much us telling you. 151 00:10:10,949 --> 00:10:12,949 Look... wait a minute... 152 00:10:13,254 --> 00:10:14,832 Let me get this straight... you mean... 153 00:10:15,494 --> 00:10:17,494 - You and Kevin... - Yes. 154 00:10:17,808 --> 00:10:18,652 That's right. 155 00:10:19,129 --> 00:10:21,121 Thanks for introducing us, mate! 156 00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,324 Oh, and Bernie, by the way... 157 00:10:23,449 --> 00:10:25,105 Just as a matter of interest... 158 00:10:25,441 --> 00:10:28,847 You know you used to wonder why it was that Kevin got so many girlfriends? 159 00:10:29,816 --> 00:10:32,433 Yes, why does he get so many girlfriends? 160 00:10:32,728 --> 00:10:35,223 Because he's so good in bed. 161 00:10:36,145 --> 00:10:37,621 Oh, great. 162 00:10:49,654 --> 00:10:51,066 - Bernie... - Yes? 163 00:10:51,371 --> 00:10:52,776 I was thinking, darling... 164 00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:54,691 Do you mind if I just come round? 165 00:10:55,090 --> 00:10:56,847 Oh, no, please do... 166 00:10:56,902 --> 00:10:59,691 I'm sure there's nothing a good chat can't sort out. 167 00:11:00,465 --> 00:11:01,628 I want to get my stuff... 168 00:11:01,668 --> 00:11:03,566 I'm really eager to get settled in here. 169 00:11:03,699 --> 00:11:04,613 Oh, good. 170 00:11:04,879 --> 00:11:06,152 Excellent news. 171 00:11:21,730 --> 00:11:25,238 It'll be lonely this Christmas... 172 00:11:25,918 --> 00:11:29,042 Without you to hold 173 00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:32,613 It'll be lonely this Christmas 174 00:11:33,472 --> 00:11:36,105 Lonely and cold 175 00:11:36,604 --> 00:11:43,574 It'll be cold, so cold, without you to hold 176 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,840 This Christmas 177 00:11:51,621 --> 00:11:57,792 Each time I remember the day you went away 178 00:11:59,589 --> 00:12:04,964 And how I wouldn't listen to the things you had to say 179 00:12:05,074 --> 00:12:08,886 I just break down as I look around 180 00:12:09,034 --> 00:12:12,058 And the only things I see 181 00:12:12,402 --> 00:12:19,339 Are emptiness and loneliness And an unlit Christmas tree 182 00:12:21,020 --> 00:12:28,699 It'll be cold, so cold, without you to hold 183 00:12:28,871 --> 00:12:31,738 This Christmas 184 00:12:37,650 --> 00:12:39,398 You remember last year 185 00:12:39,518 --> 00:12:41,859 when you and I were here. 186 00:12:44,198 --> 00:12:46,306 We never thought there'd be an end... 187 00:12:48,049 --> 00:12:50,049 And I remember looking at you, darling 188 00:12:50,489 --> 00:12:55,067 And I remember thinking that Christmas must have been made for us 189 00:12:55,606 --> 00:13:00,628 'cause, darling, this is the time of year that you really, you really need love 190 00:13:01,052 --> 00:13:04,535 When it means so very, very much 191 00:13:04,830 --> 00:13:06,502 It'll be lonely... 192 00:13:06,658 --> 00:13:11,418 So, it'll be lonely this Christmas Without you to hold 193 00:13:15,635 --> 00:13:16,541 What happened? 194 00:13:16,604 --> 00:13:18,408 Seems to have been some sort of explosion, Sir. 195 00:13:18,487 --> 00:13:19,845 Good Lord! How am I? 196 00:13:19,916 --> 00:13:21,135 Do I still look vaguely human? 197 00:13:21,239 --> 00:13:22,978 Or have I turned into Julian Lloyd Webber? 198 00:13:23,049 --> 00:13:25,861 No, you're fine, Mr Bottle. Just a little bang on your head. 199 00:13:25,916 --> 00:13:27,916 And one severely-singed testicle. 200 00:13:28,010 --> 00:13:29,494 You'll be out of here in the morning. 201 00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:31,720 Don't you worry, Sir. I had a friend who had both his legs blown off, 202 00:13:31,776 --> 00:13:33,377 and he was up and walkin' around in a fortnight. 203 00:13:33,510 --> 00:13:35,510 - Is that true, Kepple? - Not exactly, Sir. 204 00:13:38,330 --> 00:13:39,166 Right! 205 00:13:39,322 --> 00:13:41,673 Now you just rest, and tomorrow your friend can pick you up. 206 00:13:41,838 --> 00:13:43,095 Thank you, sister. 207 00:13:52,799 --> 00:13:54,916 Thanks for sticking with me last night, Kepple. 208 00:13:55,065 --> 00:13:56,111 That's alright, Sir. 209 00:13:56,823 --> 00:13:59,267 They didn't nickname me Sticky Kepple for nothing. 210 00:13:59,932 --> 00:14:02,306 - Your nickname was Sticky Kepple? - No Sir, it wasn't. 211 00:14:02,527 --> 00:14:04,527 They don't go in for nicknames in the Navy. 212 00:14:09,073 --> 00:14:11,073 I didn't know you were in the Navy, Kepple. 213 00:14:12,190 --> 00:14:14,697 I wasn't, Sir... Can't stand the sea. 214 00:14:15,112 --> 00:14:16,291 However, be that as it may... 215 00:14:16,424 --> 00:14:17,761 If you ever need anything, you just call 216 00:14:17,881 --> 00:14:23,964 and I'll be up there faster than a poker up a pervert. - Indeed. 217 00:14:26,801 --> 00:14:28,478 Anchors aweigh, Sir! 218 00:15:51,588 --> 00:15:53,431 Oh, my God, you're a maniac! 219 00:16:09,286 --> 00:16:11,622 Kepple! Kepple! Save me! 220 00:16:29,410 --> 00:16:33,206 There's nothing left to steal. My bloomin' girlfriend's gone and nicked the lot. 221 00:16:41,253 --> 00:16:43,325 Oh lawks a-mercy... I wish you could speak English. 222 00:16:43,388 --> 00:16:44,317 I can! 223 00:16:44,489 --> 00:16:45,794 - You can? - Yes! 224 00:16:46,020 --> 00:16:47,184 Your wish is my command. 225 00:16:47,208 --> 00:16:48,950 Now, beware, oh short one... 226 00:16:49,005 --> 00:16:51,669 You smell of peppermint, and it is time to die! 227 00:16:55,411 --> 00:16:56,352 Sorry? 228 00:16:56,454 --> 00:16:58,581 - You smell of peppermint. - No, no, before that. 229 00:16:58,633 --> 00:17:00,119 Beware, oh short one! 230 00:17:00,151 --> 00:17:01,717 No, no, no... further back... Right at the top. 231 00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:05,910 Unfortunately, your wish is my command. 232 00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,596 Okay... then I wish you'd stop trying to kill me. 233 00:17:09,219 --> 00:17:10,156 Damn! 234 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:17,669 Gotcha! 235 00:17:18,077 --> 00:17:19,978 Okay, what's the story, Abdul? 236 00:17:20,144 --> 00:17:22,354 How the bloomin' hell did you get into my house? 237 00:17:22,445 --> 00:17:24,328 I was in the bloomin' lamp! 238 00:17:24,375 --> 00:17:25,509 Yes, very likely! 239 00:17:25,580 --> 00:17:28,415 And how do large transvestites get inside lamps these days? 240 00:17:28,509 --> 00:17:29,797 A bloomin' wizard did it, 241 00:17:29,829 --> 00:17:31,340 and made me into a bloomin' genie, 242 00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:33,296 without so much as a bloomin' by-your-leave! 243 00:17:34,832 --> 00:17:36,953 I'm dealing with a madman! Don't move! 244 00:17:37,073 --> 00:17:40,531 This is one of these really scary Bulgarian poison-tipped umbrellas. 245 00:17:41,205 --> 00:17:42,414 One prick is fatal! 246 00:17:43,134 --> 00:17:44,694 I'm going to ring the police. 247 00:17:45,208 --> 00:17:47,096 Damn! I wish there was a phone in here. 248 00:17:51,493 --> 00:17:53,493 Have you just injected LSD into my bottom? 249 00:17:53,647 --> 00:17:55,013 Look... I've explained this... 250 00:17:55,076 --> 00:17:56,423 I'm a genie... 251 00:17:56,458 --> 00:17:58,976 Oh, come off it, mate...! Who's ever heard of genies? 252 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:00,516 Well, you, obviously! 253 00:18:00,588 --> 00:18:02,587 Look, we're like ghosts and dragons and unicorns. 254 00:18:02,678 --> 00:18:04,697 You don't think they exist until you meet them. 255 00:18:04,798 --> 00:18:06,251 So, all I have to do is wish? 256 00:18:06,666 --> 00:18:09,824 As far as I know, the training for this stupid job is practically non-existent. 257 00:18:10,082 --> 00:18:12,438 Well you'd better get your next alibi ready pretty quickly, 258 00:18:12,687 --> 00:18:14,966 because I wish this chair was Melvyn Bragg. 259 00:18:18,716 --> 00:18:20,129 I wish it wasn't. 260 00:18:21,857 --> 00:18:23,255 Sorry, Melvyn. 261 00:18:24,927 --> 00:18:26,537 Lord in heaven! You mean... 262 00:18:28,030 --> 00:18:29,576 So... for instance... 263 00:18:30,947 --> 00:18:34,625 If I were to wish my pockets were full of money... 264 00:18:38,997 --> 00:18:40,997 Oh my God! 265 00:18:47,523 --> 00:18:49,694 Oh Kevin, I'm worried about Bernard. 266 00:18:49,984 --> 00:18:51,984 Yeah, I'm worried about him too, baby. 267 00:18:52,231 --> 00:18:53,763 This guy's my best friend. 268 00:18:53,816 --> 00:18:55,816 I'd do anything not to hurt him. 269 00:19:01,404 --> 00:19:02,716 I know. 270 00:19:03,193 --> 00:19:04,317 I know. 271 00:19:04,638 --> 00:19:06,153 But you know, baby... 272 00:19:06,185 --> 00:19:08,185 Bernard's always lived in a bit of a dream world. 273 00:19:08,497 --> 00:19:09,919 I mean, I love this man... 274 00:19:10,099 --> 00:19:11,583 But he looked like a turnip... 275 00:19:12,044 --> 00:19:13,275 And if what you say is true, 276 00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:15,951 he had all the sexual skills of a small Dutch cheese. 277 00:19:16,568 --> 00:19:18,497 Well, a medium-size Dutch cheese. 278 00:19:18,888 --> 00:19:21,567 And yet he still thought he could go out with a goddess like you. 279 00:19:22,099 --> 00:19:24,559 Fact is that sometime, Bernard's got to come down to earth. 280 00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:26,254 Got to realise that it's 281 00:19:26,325 --> 00:19:29,583 a tough dog-stabs-dog-in-the-back and then eats-dog world. 282 00:19:30,318 --> 00:19:31,716 We're doing him a favour. 283 00:19:32,154 --> 00:19:35,122 The sooner Bernie faces up to reality, the better. 284 00:19:39,271 --> 00:19:41,567 So, all I have to do is wish? 285 00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:43,333 As far as I know. 286 00:19:43,661 --> 00:19:45,309 Wish me mum could see me now. 287 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:46,700 Hello, Bernard! 288 00:19:47,365 --> 00:19:49,365 Are you feeding yourself properly? 289 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,841 And what a condition this place is in! 290 00:19:53,099 --> 00:19:55,817 On second thoughts, no offense mum, I wish she couldn't. 291 00:20:01,063 --> 00:20:03,403 I have to be very careful... Don't I? 292 00:20:04,238 --> 00:20:08,168 Yes. Say the words "I wish" with the caution you would normally reserve for 293 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:09,911 "Please castrate me." 294 00:20:10,223 --> 00:20:11,192 Yes. 295 00:20:12,068 --> 00:20:13,591 It's going to be brilliant! 296 00:20:13,669 --> 00:20:16,278 But I think we should sort out just exactly how it's going to work. 297 00:20:21,016 --> 00:20:24,598 Things must have changed somewhat, since you were last... out. 298 00:20:25,786 --> 00:20:27,348 I bet! So, tell me... 299 00:20:27,521 --> 00:20:29,521 - How's old Caesar? - Caesar? 300 00:20:29,654 --> 00:20:31,208 Yes, the emperor. 301 00:20:32,161 --> 00:20:33,739 Ah well, you see, he's dead. 302 00:20:33,802 --> 00:20:36,059 - No! What happened? - He was stabbed. In the Capitol. 303 00:20:36,154 --> 00:20:38,154 God, so who's in charge now? Brutus? 304 00:20:38,286 --> 00:20:39,598 No, he's dead, too. 305 00:20:39,982 --> 00:20:41,653 Wow! A real massacre! 306 00:20:41,693 --> 00:20:42,653 Yeah. 307 00:20:44,247 --> 00:20:45,723 Look, um... 308 00:20:47,022 --> 00:20:49,341 There's something I think I ought to explain. 309 00:20:50,474 --> 00:20:53,481 You see, you've obviously been inside the lamp 310 00:20:53,755 --> 00:20:55,208 slightly longer than you think. 311 00:20:55,458 --> 00:20:56,378 How long? 312 00:20:56,403 --> 00:20:58,536 Well, give or take a day or two, 313 00:20:59,253 --> 00:21:00,645 2,000 years. 314 00:21:01,036 --> 00:21:03,942 No...! 2,000 years?! 315 00:21:05,029 --> 00:21:07,029 Most of my friends will be dead. 316 00:21:07,318 --> 00:21:09,106 All, I think's a more likely guess. 317 00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:10,919 Yes... my girlfriend... 318 00:21:11,060 --> 00:21:13,645 My mother... my father... my sister... 319 00:21:15,302 --> 00:21:16,543 The kittens! 320 00:21:17,802 --> 00:21:19,020 Wow! 321 00:21:20,888 --> 00:21:22,184 I'm very sorry. 322 00:21:22,534 --> 00:21:25,286 No, no, I'm the one who should be sorry. 323 00:21:25,865 --> 00:21:28,614 The last thing you need around the place is a gloomy genie. 324 00:21:28,974 --> 00:21:30,974 Go ahead, make some wishes. Go ahead! 325 00:21:31,044 --> 00:21:33,927 - I'll be fine. - Oh no, for heaven's sake. 326 00:21:34,536 --> 00:21:35,966 I know how you feel. 327 00:21:38,661 --> 00:21:41,755 My life hasn't been too rosy recently, either. 328 00:21:42,106 --> 00:21:44,520 Getting teased a lot about the stupid haircut? 329 00:21:44,989 --> 00:21:46,004 No! 330 00:21:46,411 --> 00:21:48,294 Everything else has been pretty crappy. 331 00:21:48,427 --> 00:21:50,177 I just got sacked, and then 332 00:21:50,599 --> 00:21:53,341 found out that my fianc�e was sleeping with my best friend. 333 00:21:53,700 --> 00:21:55,231 Do you wish me to kill them? 334 00:21:55,294 --> 00:21:58,083 Erm no, that's not really the way we do things any longer. 335 00:21:58,192 --> 00:22:00,574 Well, how do you deal with your enemies these days? 336 00:22:00,857 --> 00:22:03,403 Well... we kind of don't see them. 337 00:22:03,693 --> 00:22:05,693 You know, sort of spurn them. Spurn them! 338 00:22:06,458 --> 00:22:09,622 Then the odd nasty look, kind of ... er... sarcastic remark... 339 00:22:09,841 --> 00:22:12,362 And then we kind of encourage our other friends, you know, 340 00:22:12,482 --> 00:22:15,802 not to see them and to be a bit sarcastic too. 341 00:22:16,427 --> 00:22:17,512 That's it?! 342 00:22:18,958 --> 00:22:20,677 So it's not all progress then? 343 00:22:22,237 --> 00:22:25,044 Still, don't get too depressed. Look on the bright side. 344 00:22:25,247 --> 00:22:27,864 Your fianc�e is buried in the arms of your best friend. 345 00:22:28,099 --> 00:22:30,317 Mine is buried in an artichoke patch in Jerusalem. 346 00:22:30,443 --> 00:22:31,708 Good point. 347 00:22:35,137 --> 00:22:36,418 I know! 348 00:22:36,466 --> 00:22:38,130 I wish you weren't so depressed. 349 00:22:42,013 --> 00:22:43,677 No, it doesn't work. 350 00:22:43,841 --> 00:22:45,841 You can't change people's feelings with wishes. 351 00:22:47,310 --> 00:22:48,325 Oh dear. 352 00:22:50,088 --> 00:22:52,088 Then we're in trouble, aren't we? 353 00:23:15,091 --> 00:23:16,599 Well, what say as to we have a bite to eat? 354 00:23:18,591 --> 00:23:20,317 How does a hamburger grab you? 355 00:23:20,732 --> 00:23:21,669 A what? 356 00:23:22,036 --> 00:23:24,036 Oh well, it's er... 357 00:23:24,099 --> 00:23:25,497 two all-beef patties... 358 00:23:25,599 --> 00:23:27,599 special sauce, lettuce, cheese, 359 00:23:27,677 --> 00:23:29,677 pickles, onions in a sesame seed bun. 360 00:23:31,294 --> 00:23:33,698 - I might take out the pickles. - You wouldn't be the first. 361 00:23:33,818 --> 00:23:37,384 I wish we had two Big Macs! Have a try. 362 00:23:39,851 --> 00:23:41,783 Erm, take it out of the box first. 363 00:23:43,779 --> 00:23:45,779 Everybody dead. 364 00:23:46,458 --> 00:23:48,458 All I ever wanted was to get out of the lamp. 365 00:23:48,637 --> 00:23:49,802 Now... 366 00:23:50,685 --> 00:23:52,685 I almost wish I hadn't. 367 00:23:57,318 --> 00:23:59,067 On the other hand! 368 00:23:59,318 --> 00:24:02,575 Bite my beetroot! That is fantastic! 369 00:24:02,825 --> 00:24:05,817 You get the right price, you could sell hundreds of these. 370 00:24:06,044 --> 00:24:07,927 Well, they do sell quite a few. 371 00:24:08,482 --> 00:24:10,833 There's a difference about this people will enjoy. 372 00:24:11,185 --> 00:24:12,934 Even the pickles are nice! 373 00:24:14,896 --> 00:24:15,833 Something wrong? 374 00:24:15,896 --> 00:24:17,896 No, something unbelievably right! 375 00:24:18,182 --> 00:24:20,517 My ears want to mate with this music and have its children. 376 00:24:20,637 --> 00:24:23,228 Tell me, who is this guy, Bernie? 377 00:24:23,267 --> 00:24:24,658 It's a chap called Mozart. 378 00:24:24,815 --> 00:24:26,416 This is my kind of guy! 379 00:24:26,471 --> 00:24:29,486 Incredible! This new music is great! 380 00:24:29,534 --> 00:24:31,534 That isn't modern music. This is. 381 00:24:33,018 --> 00:24:34,892 That is fantastic! 382 00:24:34,995 --> 00:24:38,192 Make it with a mango! Alright! 383 00:24:39,381 --> 00:24:42,221 - Tell me Bernie, what colour is this guy? - Black. 384 00:24:42,432 --> 00:24:43,721 Thought so. 385 00:24:48,065 --> 00:24:51,705 Ah, girls! Girls! Enter ye... Enter ye! 386 00:24:55,252 --> 00:24:57,471 Sit ye! Sit ye! 387 00:24:58,416 --> 00:25:00,814 Now, as you probably heard... 388 00:25:00,924 --> 00:25:03,392 Mr Bottle left us yesterday. 389 00:25:03,830 --> 00:25:05,830 And I've been worrying about it. 390 00:25:06,573 --> 00:25:09,135 Do either of you think I was a little harsh on him? 391 00:25:09,737 --> 00:25:10,603 Well, Sir. 392 00:25:10,723 --> 00:25:13,939 I think perhaps you might have given him a warning. 393 00:25:14,479 --> 00:25:16,479 Good... good...! 394 00:25:17,268 --> 00:25:18,635 You're fired. 395 00:25:18,924 --> 00:25:20,588 I want you out of here in two minutes. 396 00:25:20,613 --> 00:25:23,448 You disastrously faded old crone. 397 00:25:24,004 --> 00:25:26,424 Exit ye! Exit ye! 398 00:25:35,073 --> 00:25:36,533 35 years! 399 00:25:37,791 --> 00:25:39,275 Now, Miss Purse... 400 00:25:39,987 --> 00:25:41,353 No pressure. 401 00:25:41,534 --> 00:25:43,534 Just old friends talking. 402 00:25:44,659 --> 00:25:48,322 Just bosom buddies bantering. 403 00:25:49,932 --> 00:25:51,932 Any opinions on the Bottle scenario? 404 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,494 Inspired move, Sir! 405 00:25:55,448 --> 00:25:56,619 Thank you. 406 00:25:57,057 --> 00:25:59,728 But I have, as I said, been worrying. 407 00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:02,120 Because Bottle had a list 408 00:26:02,596 --> 00:26:04,596 of some other priceless paintings. 409 00:26:05,018 --> 00:26:07,205 And I want it back. 410 00:26:07,721 --> 00:26:10,588 I want you to search his office, and if it isn't there, 411 00:26:11,041 --> 00:26:13,041 we'll just have to go where he lives, and steal it. 412 00:26:14,135 --> 00:26:16,978 I shall start looking immediately, Sir. 413 00:26:17,213 --> 00:26:18,322 Good. 414 00:26:18,541 --> 00:26:21,096 No pressure, you understand. No pressure. 415 00:26:21,221 --> 00:26:25,674 Although for the moment, I'll just put your Christmas bonus on hold. 416 00:26:26,495 --> 00:26:27,791 Yes, Sir. 417 00:26:28,143 --> 00:26:30,127 Thank ye. Thank ye. 418 00:26:31,916 --> 00:26:33,916 Oh, by the way, Miss Purse... 419 00:26:34,354 --> 00:26:37,017 I was joking about the Christmas bonus. 420 00:26:38,565 --> 00:26:40,565 Oh, thank you, Sir! 421 00:26:41,642 --> 00:26:43,642 You weren't getting one anyway. 422 00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:48,822 Who do you think I am? Felicity Kendal? 423 00:26:50,205 --> 00:26:52,205 If you want money, work for it. 424 00:26:52,893 --> 00:26:54,080 I did. 425 00:26:54,370 --> 00:26:57,807 And I won't let any little creep take it from me. 426 00:27:00,620 --> 00:27:03,971 So I really can have absolutely anything?! 427 00:27:04,088 --> 00:27:05,135 Yep! 428 00:27:06,858 --> 00:27:11,494 Okay. Well, for a start, let's brighten up this flat a bit. 429 00:27:20,713 --> 00:27:22,376 Unbelievable! 430 00:27:25,377 --> 00:27:27,557 Okay, I wish I had the Mona Lisa on that wall. 431 00:27:30,908 --> 00:27:32,524 Oh, my God! 432 00:27:36,041 --> 00:27:37,525 Mmm, cute chick! 433 00:27:37,643 --> 00:27:39,072 Bit of a smudge around the mouth though. 434 00:27:39,127 --> 00:27:40,486 Here, let me sort that out. 435 00:27:40,534 --> 00:27:42,534 No, best leave it I think. 436 00:27:44,690 --> 00:27:46,627 Unbelievable. Fantastic. 437 00:27:46,690 --> 00:27:48,690 Bit of a tease though, eh? 438 00:27:48,909 --> 00:27:51,400 I could just stay here all night, just staring at her. 439 00:27:59,667 --> 00:28:02,267 Oh look, sorry, I'm not being a very good host, am I? 440 00:28:02,521 --> 00:28:03,986 You'd probably like to take a look round. 441 00:28:04,115 --> 00:28:06,519 - Good idea! - Yes. 442 00:28:07,034 --> 00:28:09,034 Things have changed quite a lot in the last 1,000 years. 443 00:28:09,201 --> 00:28:11,201 I'll say! For instance in my day, this 444 00:28:11,323 --> 00:28:13,323 would've made an attractive hat. 445 00:28:13,659 --> 00:28:15,025 Look, I'll take you round town if you like. 446 00:28:15,097 --> 00:28:15,651 Excellent. 447 00:28:17,002 --> 00:28:17,939 Damn! 448 00:28:18,338 --> 00:28:20,338 The only thing is that, after all that business at work, 449 00:28:20,979 --> 00:28:22,689 I don't actually have any transport. 450 00:28:29,557 --> 00:28:31,557 Hot spots, here we come! 451 00:28:33,811 --> 00:28:34,938 I think it's fair to say 452 00:28:35,034 --> 00:28:38,494 that the people from Allied Carpets would be genuinely surprised by this. 453 00:28:38,573 --> 00:28:40,573 The real skill, of course, is in the landing. 454 00:28:50,144 --> 00:28:52,314 And I think I need a little more practice. 455 00:28:54,541 --> 00:28:57,755 Look er, before we go any further, I think we should do something about the clothes. 456 00:28:57,875 --> 00:29:00,172 What? You cannot get hotter than this! 457 00:29:00,197 --> 00:29:02,095 Chicks see this stuff and die! 458 00:29:02,300 --> 00:29:03,370 Yes, I'm sure. 459 00:29:03,433 --> 00:29:06,135 I just wish we had the modern equivalent. 460 00:29:06,401 --> 00:29:08,401 Yes, now that's a lot better! 461 00:29:13,500 --> 00:29:15,500 I feel fantastic! 462 00:29:17,610 --> 00:29:21,831 And I look it, too! You are cute! 463 00:29:26,604 --> 00:29:34,713 Jean Genie, screams and he bawls Jean Genie, let yourself go. 464 00:29:35,540 --> 00:29:38,805 I must say I don't normally come here, it's got rather dirty recently. 465 00:29:39,041 --> 00:29:40,345 You call this dirty? 466 00:29:40,439 --> 00:29:43,220 Where I come from, you go out shopping, you come back with leprosy. 467 00:29:43,338 --> 00:29:45,000 People used to urinate on their vegetables 468 00:29:45,025 --> 00:29:46,971 to give it that early-morning dewy fresh look. 469 00:29:47,127 --> 00:29:49,595 This is the cleanest place I've ever seen in my whole life! 470 00:29:49,775 --> 00:29:51,064 Let's boogie! 471 00:30:22,507 --> 00:30:25,681 Ah, delicious! I'm glad dog meat is still popular. 472 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:50,478 Get him, Arnie! 473 00:30:50,556 --> 00:30:53,150 He's an alien and he's killing absolutely everyone! 474 00:30:53,338 --> 00:30:54,798 Get him! 475 00:30:59,189 --> 00:31:01,189 Hasta la vista, baby! 476 00:31:01,455 --> 00:31:03,306 That was unbelievable! 477 00:31:03,385 --> 00:31:04,892 Those people were huge! 478 00:31:04,963 --> 00:31:06,158 Tell me, where do they all live? 479 00:31:06,345 --> 00:31:07,743 Er, most of them are in Los Angeles. 480 00:31:07,782 --> 00:31:08,883 That's the place for me! 481 00:31:08,938 --> 00:31:11,961 That woman's breasts were 60 feet high! 482 00:31:15,626 --> 00:31:17,266 Which flavour would you like? 483 00:31:20,532 --> 00:31:21,704 That one! 484 00:31:21,946 --> 00:31:23,040 This is great, Bernie. 485 00:31:23,086 --> 00:31:26,641 In my country there is only one type of dessert, and it tastes disgusting! 486 00:31:30,963 --> 00:31:32,298 Oh my God! 487 00:31:32,510 --> 00:31:34,822 Take out my eyeballs and fry them in ginger...! 488 00:31:34,924 --> 00:31:37,267 That is unbelievable! Here, hold that. 489 00:31:38,939 --> 00:31:41,158 Hey, everybody, come in here! 490 00:31:41,307 --> 00:31:42,720 This stuff is brilliant! 491 00:31:42,884 --> 00:31:46,040 It's really cold and it tastes completely of strawberries. 492 00:31:46,147 --> 00:31:48,041 It's wonderful! 493 00:31:48,189 --> 00:31:50,189 People have tried it and it's nothing special to them anymore. 494 00:31:50,237 --> 00:31:51,697 You're crazy! 495 00:31:51,799 --> 00:31:53,799 I think I'll try a few more flavours. 496 00:31:57,205 --> 00:31:59,689 Bernie, it's great to be here! 497 00:32:09,944 --> 00:32:10,967 Let's go! 498 00:32:14,006 --> 00:32:18,701 The Daily Standard. Daily Standard. Read all about it. Daily Standard. 499 00:32:23,373 --> 00:32:24,310 How do you feel? 500 00:32:24,327 --> 00:32:26,327 A bit sick actually, but it's OK. 501 00:32:26,552 --> 00:32:28,442 I haven't had a stomach ache for 2,000 years. 502 00:32:28,483 --> 00:32:30,483 It's like the return of an old friend. 503 00:32:31,623 --> 00:32:33,193 Mr Beardy again! 504 00:32:33,327 --> 00:32:35,037 Is he like emperor here, or something? 505 00:32:35,194 --> 00:32:38,724 No, it's Christmas, which is a kind of holiday we have at this time of year. 506 00:32:39,006 --> 00:32:41,568 And the chap in the beard goes round with his flying reindeer. 507 00:32:41,717 --> 00:32:43,842 And then comes down chimneys and gives children presents. 508 00:32:43,982 --> 00:32:44,989 - Wow! - Yeah. 509 00:32:45,037 --> 00:32:46,857 And what do you want for Christmas? 510 00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:51,224 A car, and a train, and three Nintendos. 511 00:32:51,412 --> 00:32:55,796 Yes, and a pencil's also nice, isn't it, eh? Yes. 512 00:32:56,662 --> 00:32:59,262 Except, he doesn't, in fact, come down chimneys. 513 00:32:59,700 --> 00:33:01,700 And it isn't actually him who gives the presents. 514 00:33:02,364 --> 00:33:04,364 Do the reindeer really fly? 515 00:33:04,755 --> 00:33:06,160 I think not. 516 00:33:06,481 --> 00:33:09,270 Mr Beardy is beginning to sound a bit like a non-event. 517 00:33:10,731 --> 00:33:13,059 Yeah. Christmas isn't what it used to be. 518 00:33:13,481 --> 00:33:15,894 Santa smelled funny. 519 00:33:16,544 --> 00:33:18,957 Now it's just the time that kids learn to live with disappointments. 520 00:33:19,036 --> 00:33:21,348 Speaking of which, I'm a bit disappointed 521 00:33:21,434 --> 00:33:22,910 that we haven't eaten anything for a while. 522 00:33:22,997 --> 00:33:25,598 It's been a good ... oh, 20 minutes since my last full meal. 523 00:33:25,645 --> 00:33:27,645 Your wish is my command. 524 00:33:38,486 --> 00:33:40,574 Well, I've sucked on some pretty wonderful things, Bernie, 525 00:33:40,614 --> 00:33:42,614 but that takes the biscuit! 526 00:33:43,012 --> 00:33:44,801 You and I are going to be a wonderful partnership. 527 00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:45,785 I can see it now. 528 00:33:45,856 --> 00:33:47,973 But, you know, there's more to me than fantastic pants. 529 00:33:48,247 --> 00:33:49,863 I'm going to find you a woman! 530 00:33:49,981 --> 00:33:52,129 - Oh no! - Starting right now! 531 00:33:52,301 --> 00:33:55,707 Okay, now those two over there are definitely out. 532 00:33:56,067 --> 00:33:57,246 Bit wrinkly. 533 00:33:57,637 --> 00:33:58,559 And she...! 534 00:33:58,731 --> 00:34:00,637 She's pretty cute. Okay, she's a bit older than you, 535 00:34:00,762 --> 00:34:02,684 but if she shakes her booty the way she shakes her milk... 536 00:34:05,661 --> 00:34:07,090 On the other hand. 537 00:34:07,262 --> 00:34:08,496 Oh no, please! 538 00:34:08,606 --> 00:34:10,035 Ah, you like the look of her? 539 00:34:10,122 --> 00:34:11,574 - Well... - Leave it to me. 540 00:34:11,669 --> 00:34:14,145 I'm pretty experienced at this kind of thing. 541 00:34:17,098 --> 00:34:19,098 Oh, thank God it's near closing time. 542 00:34:19,144 --> 00:34:20,847 We're runnin' out of pencils. 543 00:34:24,340 --> 00:34:25,699 Good evening. 544 00:34:25,887 --> 00:34:27,074 Oh, hello! 545 00:34:27,254 --> 00:34:29,582 - Great hair! - Thank you very much. 546 00:34:29,707 --> 00:34:32,168 Myself and my friend, with the very unfortunate hair, 547 00:34:32,278 --> 00:34:34,582 but he's very fertile, and has a large inheritance, 548 00:34:35,403 --> 00:34:38,113 couldn't help noticing the splendid work you were doing with the children. 549 00:34:38,184 --> 00:34:39,106 Oh, thanks. 550 00:34:39,293 --> 00:34:40,402 Ay tell (**), actually. 551 00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:41,785 Santa drinks like a fish, 552 00:34:41,856 --> 00:34:43,645 and these hot pants were tailor-made for Bonnie Langford. 553 00:34:44,449 --> 00:34:45,184 Indeed! 554 00:34:45,278 --> 00:34:47,168 Would you care to join us for a shake of milk? 555 00:34:47,207 --> 00:34:49,324 Or perhaps you'd like me to organise something more formal 556 00:34:49,411 --> 00:34:50,926 where your parents were involved? 557 00:34:51,489 --> 00:34:54,285 No, I'll just have a cup of coffee, and fly. 558 00:34:54,386 --> 00:34:56,268 What a coincidence, We're flying, too! 559 00:34:56,301 --> 00:34:57,363 - Is that right?! - Yes! 560 00:34:58,590 --> 00:35:00,051 Could you hang on for just one second, please? 561 00:35:00,090 --> 00:35:01,645 - Certainly. - Thank you. 562 00:35:02,075 --> 00:35:04,090 Actually, you'd better make that two coffees. 563 00:35:04,161 --> 00:35:06,161 Santa keeps on dozing off over the children. 564 00:35:06,887 --> 00:35:08,285 It's going very well. 565 00:35:08,419 --> 00:35:09,582 She says her pants are hot. 566 00:35:09,622 --> 00:35:11,621 She wants your body and she wants it now! 567 00:35:11,684 --> 00:35:12,918 - She does not! - She does! 568 00:35:13,020 --> 00:35:15,309 A little more negotiation, and the match will be made. 569 00:35:15,421 --> 00:35:18,439 Depending of course on proof of child-bearing capability. - Oh God! 570 00:35:18,559 --> 00:35:20,418 So is that your flying carpet, then? 571 00:35:20,458 --> 00:35:21,879 Yes, it is. Would you fancy a ride? 572 00:35:21,934 --> 00:35:22,652 Oh no...! 573 00:35:22,872 --> 00:35:25,957 The reindeer can get very jealous if I use alternative means of transport. 574 00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:31,668 Very amusing! Now, down to business. 575 00:35:31,707 --> 00:35:34,449 Obviously the question of the dowry rears its ugly head. 576 00:35:34,997 --> 00:35:36,848 I'm sorry, he's not from round here. 577 00:35:36,887 --> 00:35:38,887 No, I sort of guessed that. 578 00:35:39,353 --> 00:35:41,074 I think your hair's quite nice. 579 00:35:41,294 --> 00:35:42,098 'Bye. 580 00:35:48,130 --> 00:35:50,348 It's a dead cert! I can see it now. 581 00:35:50,817 --> 00:35:52,574 The loving relatives, the priest. 582 00:35:52,622 --> 00:35:54,622 The staggeringly attractive best man. 583 00:35:54,747 --> 00:35:56,910 The shagged-out bridesmaids. 584 00:35:57,371 --> 00:36:00,316 No. Somebody like that would never fancy me. 585 00:36:00,394 --> 00:36:01,371 Course she would. 586 00:36:01,426 --> 00:36:03,824 All we have to do is... sex you up a bit. 587 00:36:03,950 --> 00:36:05,012 Like how? 588 00:36:05,106 --> 00:36:07,473 Well, if you don�t mind my saying so, Bernie, you are a bit neat. 589 00:36:07,598 --> 00:36:09,051 What you need is that rough look. 590 00:36:09,153 --> 00:36:11,434 You need to be giving that sexy unshaven thing. 591 00:36:12,458 --> 00:36:14,027 You mean scruffy? 592 00:36:14,497 --> 00:36:15,895 Scruffy can be sexy. 593 00:36:16,184 --> 00:36:18,762 Okay... I wish I looked like Bob Geldof. 594 00:36:18,918 --> 00:36:20,902 Oh my God! 595 00:36:20,981 --> 00:36:23,379 What do you think... a certain rugged charm? 596 00:36:23,442 --> 00:36:24,660 Might be one way of putting it... 597 00:36:24,669 --> 00:36:26,387 A total blooming mess might be another. 598 00:36:26,412 --> 00:36:27,935 Don't be so damn cheeky! 599 00:36:28,152 --> 00:36:29,472 Is that Mick Jagger? 600 00:36:29,584 --> 00:36:31,584 Oh, Bernie... I liked you the way you were. 601 00:36:32,137 --> 00:36:33,465 Let's have a look... 602 00:36:33,669 --> 00:36:35,215 Bloody hell, you're right! 603 00:36:35,364 --> 00:36:37,082 This voice is gettin' on my nerves as well. 604 00:36:37,122 --> 00:36:38,442 I wish I was me again. 605 00:36:40,809 --> 00:36:43,043 Mr Cute! Ah, that's my boy! 606 00:36:43,145 --> 00:36:45,629 Welcome back! What's next? 607 00:36:45,864 --> 00:36:48,902 Well er, I thought we could go back home and check out Mona. 608 00:36:49,833 --> 00:36:51,067 Brilliant idea! 609 00:36:51,176 --> 00:36:53,348 Although, I have an even more brilliant one. 610 00:36:53,419 --> 00:36:55,121 Why don't you go home and check out Mona, 611 00:36:55,169 --> 00:36:57,785 and I'll go and check out those 60-foot breasts again. 612 00:36:59,067 --> 00:37:00,895 Are you sure you'll be alright without me? 613 00:37:00,965 --> 00:37:03,660 Of course. More importantly, will you be alright without me? 614 00:37:03,809 --> 00:37:05,582 Oh yes. I've cheered up distinctly. 615 00:37:05,702 --> 00:37:08,668 Good! Happy days are here again. 616 00:38:10,050 --> 00:38:11,094 Sorry! 617 00:38:14,543 --> 00:38:16,370 We'll take that, if you don't mind. 618 00:38:16,746 --> 00:38:19,737 We don't want anyone else brutally assaulted, do we? 619 00:38:21,500 --> 00:38:23,284 Send for some assistance, Alan. 620 00:38:24,918 --> 00:38:26,487 Can I ask you why you're here? 621 00:38:26,582 --> 00:38:28,175 Is there something wrong? 622 00:38:28,324 --> 00:38:31,558 Yes, well, as a matter of fact, there is, Mr Bottle. 623 00:38:31,675 --> 00:38:33,675 You're about to be accused of... 624 00:38:35,472 --> 00:38:37,472 Grand theft. 625 00:38:38,472 --> 00:38:39,886 Hello, Sir. 626 00:38:40,332 --> 00:38:41,784 What are you doing here? 627 00:38:42,363 --> 00:38:46,402 Well, I just thought I'd pop round for a little Christmas drinkie 628 00:38:46,535 --> 00:38:48,097 with my old pal, Bernie. 629 00:38:48,324 --> 00:38:50,589 And I discover this list 630 00:38:51,027 --> 00:38:54,269 of priceless paintings, that you stole from our office. 631 00:38:54,855 --> 00:38:58,855 Then, I happened to inspect the walls, and discovered 632 00:38:59,207 --> 00:39:00,620 this dear lady. 633 00:39:02,237 --> 00:39:04,292 Do you recognise that picture, Mr Bottle? 634 00:39:04,347 --> 00:39:05,941 Oh, yes, of course I do, it... 635 00:39:06,129 --> 00:39:08,636 It was stolen from the Louvre, earlier today. 636 00:39:09,238 --> 00:39:11,941 It is a magnificent work, isn't it? 637 00:39:12,449 --> 00:39:16,464 No matter how much time passes, one can never quite get over the wonder 638 00:39:17,011 --> 00:39:18,511 of that smile. 639 00:39:18,722 --> 00:39:21,347 And somehow, it seems to have made its way here. 640 00:39:21,418 --> 00:39:23,183 Yes, well I think I can explain that. 641 00:39:23,355 --> 00:39:24,753 - Yes? - Yes? 642 00:39:25,105 --> 00:39:25,995 Yes? 643 00:39:26,433 --> 00:39:27,378 Yes. 644 00:39:27,566 --> 00:39:29,558 Well, you see the thing is, 645 00:39:30,215 --> 00:39:31,823 there's this lamp... 646 00:39:36,058 --> 00:39:38,534 Er well, on second thoughts, I think I can't explain it. 647 00:39:40,219 --> 00:39:41,902 I wish it wasn't here. 648 00:39:47,260 --> 00:39:48,972 I wish it wasn't here. 649 00:39:53,644 --> 00:39:54,777 Good shot, Robin! 650 00:39:54,855 --> 00:39:56,331 I wish it wasn't here. 651 00:39:57,647 --> 00:39:59,066 Well, I'm afraid it is. 652 00:39:59,455 --> 00:40:01,003 You're coming with us. 653 00:40:03,932 --> 00:40:06,152 Excuse me if I don't keep you company, gentlemen. 654 00:40:06,355 --> 00:40:07,792 Christmas bash at Number 10. 655 00:40:08,159 --> 00:40:11,674 Don't want to keep poor Johnny and dear Norma waiting. 656 00:40:12,488 --> 00:40:14,011 As for you... 657 00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:15,769 What can I say, Bottle? 658 00:40:16,019 --> 00:40:17,839 God rest ye merry. 659 00:40:18,449 --> 00:40:19,624 God rest ye. 660 00:40:19,744 --> 00:40:24,827 I don't mean to be cruel Don't mean to be rude. 661 00:40:24,947 --> 00:40:31,980 But Mr. Success is Mr. Totally Screwed Life can be tough 662 00:40:32,100 --> 00:40:39,269 Life can be unfair He's off to meet Mr. Electric Chair. 663 00:40:39,503 --> 00:40:40,878 Don't you worry, Sir... 664 00:40:41,011 --> 00:40:44,480 I was once arrested for murder, and sentenced to death by hanging. 665 00:40:45,097 --> 00:40:46,612 - Is that right, Kepple? - Oh, yes... 666 00:40:47,004 --> 00:40:49,004 We tried to appeal, but the High Court threw it out. 667 00:40:49,401 --> 00:40:50,963 I was caught red-handed, you see, Sir. 668 00:40:51,058 --> 00:40:52,799 Smoking gun in the victim's mouth. 669 00:40:53,174 --> 00:40:55,378 So there I was. Noose round the neck. 670 00:40:55,566 --> 00:40:57,870 Padre in attendance. Mother in tears. 671 00:40:58,017 --> 00:40:59,728 No hope in sight. 672 00:41:05,808 --> 00:41:06,737 And? 673 00:41:06,777 --> 00:41:08,495 Oh, it all turned out alright in the end, Sir. 674 00:41:09,018 --> 00:41:14,328 - Just a few of the lads, larkin' about. - Thank you, Kepple. 675 00:41:26,458 --> 00:41:27,707 Pigs! 676 00:41:43,778 --> 00:41:45,114 Tie. 677 00:41:46,005 --> 00:41:47,418 Name? 678 00:41:47,592 --> 00:41:49,443 Bottle, Bernard. 679 00:41:51,213 --> 00:41:52,957 - Crime? - Grand theft. 680 00:41:52,983 --> 00:41:54,935 And murder of a police officer. 681 00:41:56,798 --> 00:41:59,068 - Really? - Yes! 682 00:41:59,850 --> 00:42:01,716 I wonder if he's guilty. 683 00:42:01,818 --> 00:42:02,873 It's a tricky one... 684 00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:05,177 The Mona Lisa hanging in his front room. 685 00:42:05,279 --> 00:42:08,545 And three witnesses who saw him clubbing his victim to death. 686 00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:10,755 Do you know something, Alan, you're right. 687 00:42:11,467 --> 00:42:14,693 It's one of those ones juries really agonise over. 688 00:42:21,997 --> 00:42:24,826 All said and done, not a good day. 689 00:42:28,177 --> 00:42:30,068 You can make one phone call. 690 00:42:30,225 --> 00:42:31,651 Might I recommend a priest? 691 00:42:31,810 --> 00:42:33,576 Either that or a publisher. 692 00:42:33,834 --> 00:42:37,240 I believe tales from Death Row are always big sellers. 693 00:42:44,627 --> 00:42:46,609 Please be in. Please be in. 694 00:42:46,610 --> 00:42:54,838 And the answer to all my dreams You're my... 695 00:43:39,897 --> 00:43:42,181 Josephus? Josephus? 696 00:43:44,358 --> 00:43:45,435 Hello? 697 00:44:05,967 --> 00:44:08,326 We're dealing with highly-trained villains, Sir. 698 00:44:08,584 --> 00:44:10,443 The first five times, there's no reply. 699 00:44:10,529 --> 00:44:13,341 Then twice, the phone's picked up, but put down straight away. 700 00:44:13,678 --> 00:44:15,084 Textbook stuff. 701 00:44:15,123 --> 00:44:16,606 Brilliant work, Parker. 702 00:44:17,139 --> 00:44:19,560 Obviously the accomplice has returned to the flat. 703 00:44:20,045 --> 00:44:22,045 We've got them by the short and painfuls. 704 00:44:22,410 --> 00:44:24,904 - They're doomed, Parker. - Doomed, Sir! 705 00:44:25,201 --> 00:44:26,443 Doomed! 706 00:44:32,414 --> 00:44:34,999 He said "Well, when we have done, ours is 3 pound". 707 00:44:37,318 --> 00:44:38,810 I'll come back when you have none. 708 00:44:38,936 --> 00:44:41,357 "Fair enough, I'll come back when you have none." 709 00:44:43,248 --> 00:44:45,248 No gags like the old gags, eh Frankie? 710 00:44:46,610 --> 00:44:47,779 Hi guys, can I help? 711 00:44:47,818 --> 00:44:49,373 We'd like you to come with us, sunshine! 712 00:44:49,493 --> 00:44:52,982 Certainly. You know, he is really tiny but very funny. 713 00:44:53,100 --> 00:44:55,022 Love the uniform, kinky! 714 00:44:56,295 --> 00:44:57,241 Spread 'em! 715 00:44:57,361 --> 00:45:00,193 Mmm, I was right, very kinky! 716 00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:03,670 Don't try and be funny. 717 00:45:03,795 --> 00:45:05,420 Mmm, tasty! 718 00:45:06,794 --> 00:45:08,052 Thank you for the bracelet, 719 00:45:08,150 --> 00:45:10,677 but do you think it goes with the pendant? 720 00:45:11,373 --> 00:45:12,373 Name? 721 00:45:12,638 --> 00:45:14,294 May I just say before I answer that 722 00:45:14,334 --> 00:45:16,130 that is an absolutely splendid beard. 723 00:45:16,209 --> 00:45:19,146 Although it might be more useful if you wore it on top of your head. 724 00:45:19,358 --> 00:45:21,358 Just ignore him, he's a smart-arse. 725 00:45:21,537 --> 00:45:23,537 - Name? - Josephus. 726 00:45:36,100 --> 00:45:38,584 Get in there. Smart-arse! 727 00:45:39,170 --> 00:45:41,240 Anything you say, smart-uniform. 728 00:45:41,505 --> 00:45:45,606 Bernie, my oldest, dearest pal, where have you been? - Here. 729 00:45:46,451 --> 00:45:49,786 Funny choice. Still it does have a certain kooky charm. 730 00:45:50,092 --> 00:45:52,498 Colourful toilet... And those guys out there are fun. 731 00:45:52,576 --> 00:45:54,576 It's not a choice. We are in real trouble. 732 00:45:55,139 --> 00:45:57,990 I could spend the rest of my life in prison, you know. It's no joke. 733 00:45:58,756 --> 00:45:59,943 It's no joke? 734 00:46:00,154 --> 00:46:01,521 Not amusing? 735 00:46:05,123 --> 00:46:06,646 What happened? 736 00:46:07,045 --> 00:46:09,045 God, it's too depressing to explain. 737 00:46:10,795 --> 00:46:12,795 Even with a genie, I'm a disaster. 738 00:46:15,983 --> 00:46:19,623 When I got home last night, they arrested me for nicking the Mona Lisa. 739 00:46:21,795 --> 00:46:25,443 The only girlfriend I'll ever get now will be 6 foot 2, with a full beard. 740 00:46:25,794 --> 00:46:28,372 - Sounds OK to me. - Oh come on, be serious! 741 00:46:29,748 --> 00:46:31,748 I killed a policeman! 742 00:46:34,404 --> 00:46:36,123 God, poor bastard! 743 00:46:37,404 --> 00:46:39,076 And his family. 744 00:46:39,897 --> 00:46:42,404 I mean, he leaves home at 9am in a Panda car, 745 00:46:42,565 --> 00:46:44,560 comes back home at midnight in a plastic bag, 746 00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:47,435 murdered by an ex art-dealer, with a scimitar. 747 00:46:48,459 --> 00:46:49,763 Oh dear! 748 00:46:50,373 --> 00:46:51,959 If only I'd been there. 749 00:46:53,428 --> 00:46:54,646 I wish you had. 750 00:47:04,854 --> 00:47:07,388 - You can do that? - For you... anything! 751 00:47:12,810 --> 00:47:15,404 Ah, good evening, officers! 752 00:47:15,631 --> 00:47:17,631 Good evening, Mr Bottle. 753 00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:21,474 Sorry, is there something wrong? 754 00:47:21,498 --> 00:47:24,302 Yes, well, as a matter of fact there is, Mr Bottle. 755 00:47:24,514 --> 00:47:26,693 You're just about to be accused of... 756 00:47:28,412 --> 00:47:30,263 Grand theft. 757 00:47:30,779 --> 00:47:32,779 Hello, Sir. What are you doing here? 758 00:47:32,899 --> 00:47:37,615 Well, I just thought I'd pop around and have a little drinkie with my old pal, Bernie. 759 00:47:37,928 --> 00:47:40,420 And I discover this list 760 00:47:40,686 --> 00:47:44,013 of priceless paintings, that you stole from our office. 761 00:47:44,248 --> 00:47:46,670 Then I happened to inspect the walls, 762 00:47:46,885 --> 00:47:49,670 and discovered this dear lady. 763 00:47:49,834 --> 00:47:52,545 Oh yes, Kylie, my absolute favourite. 764 00:47:52,639 --> 00:47:54,435 Wait a minute. What's going on here? 765 00:47:54,654 --> 00:47:56,201 You told us it was the Mona Lisa. 766 00:47:56,256 --> 00:47:58,256 Well yes, it was the Mona Lisa! 767 00:47:58,381 --> 00:47:59,560 I like this chick better. 768 00:47:59,631 --> 00:48:01,505 Yes, it's a fabulous work. 769 00:48:01,592 --> 00:48:03,223 And no matter how much time passes, 770 00:48:03,310 --> 00:48:06,185 one still can't quite get over the wonder of that smile. 771 00:48:08,928 --> 00:48:10,170 Hello? 772 00:48:10,303 --> 00:48:11,982 Oh, so that's what it's for! 773 00:48:12,358 --> 00:48:13,466 What?! 774 00:48:18,098 --> 00:48:19,849 Apparently the painting has been returned. 775 00:48:19,943 --> 00:48:21,498 What do you mean returned? 776 00:48:21,701 --> 00:48:23,404 It's back in the Louvre. 777 00:48:24,225 --> 00:48:25,935 I think we owe these people an apology. 778 00:48:26,725 --> 00:48:29,060 Mr Bottle, and er, Mr er... 779 00:48:29,201 --> 00:48:30,568 Smart-arse. 780 00:48:30,966 --> 00:48:33,060 Yes... um... 781 00:48:33,271 --> 00:48:35,904 Sorry to disturb you, Mr Smart-arse... 782 00:48:36,912 --> 00:48:38,779 We'll be off, now. 783 00:48:39,209 --> 00:48:41,482 Thank God for that! I can't think of anything we'd like to do less 784 00:48:41,529 --> 00:48:43,545 than hang around with scum like you. 785 00:48:45,483 --> 00:48:47,099 Come again, sunshine? 786 00:48:47,342 --> 00:48:49,709 Yes, you are obviously a slimebag 787 00:48:49,818 --> 00:48:52,248 and living proof that man is directly related to the slug. 788 00:48:52,529 --> 00:48:54,849 And your face looked familiar when I first saw it, 789 00:48:54,897 --> 00:48:56,880 and now I remember seeing something very similar 790 00:48:56,990 --> 00:48:59,037 whilst washing down the hindquarters of a camel. 791 00:48:59,139 --> 00:49:00,185 You what?! 792 00:49:00,483 --> 00:49:04,623 And you are a very large turd in a horrible pink shirt. 793 00:49:04,732 --> 00:49:07,326 I beg your bloody pardon? 794 00:49:10,514 --> 00:49:13,357 Do you wish I'd never said any of that? 795 00:49:13,975 --> 00:49:15,435 Yes, I do. 796 00:49:17,326 --> 00:49:19,826 Well, goodbye gentlemen. It's nice to meet you. 797 00:49:19,873 --> 00:49:21,599 You're an honour to the Force, the pair of you! 798 00:49:21,662 --> 00:49:22,834 Thanks guv'nor! 799 00:49:23,654 --> 00:49:25,787 - And er, merry Christmas! - Happy new year! 800 00:49:25,889 --> 00:49:27,373 'Bye! 801 00:49:28,045 --> 00:49:29,740 Oh, and I'm so thrilled you're still alive. 802 00:49:29,810 --> 00:49:31,623 I'm so pleased I didn't kill you! 803 00:49:32,670 --> 00:49:34,084 Yes. Right. 804 00:49:34,725 --> 00:49:36,725 Goodbye, Sir. Lovely shirt. 805 00:49:37,006 --> 00:49:39,006 Although I do wish you hadn't taken that list. 806 00:49:41,001 --> 00:49:42,818 But do pop round for a drink anytime... 807 00:49:42,959 --> 00:49:44,959 And er, give the PM one for me! 808 00:49:45,524 --> 00:49:47,849 Certainly. Thank you, Bottle. 809 00:49:48,303 --> 00:49:49,178 Thank you, Sir. 810 00:49:49,357 --> 00:49:50,327 Bye, flower. 811 00:49:59,834 --> 00:50:03,677 - My friend! - I suspect it's going to be a very merry Christmas! 812 00:50:05,735 --> 00:50:09,652 Are you hanging up your stocking on the wall? 813 00:50:09,772 --> 00:50:11,863 - Have you seen my toothbrush? - No. 814 00:50:13,150 --> 00:50:22,816 It's the time that every Santa has a ball Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer? 815 00:50:22,936 --> 00:50:24,716 I put this in the water, yes? 816 00:50:24,983 --> 00:50:26,857 Yes, not too much though. 817 00:50:27,032 --> 00:50:28,318 How much is too much? 818 00:50:28,438 --> 00:50:30,920 Well er, just put in a drop. 819 00:50:33,815 --> 00:50:40,577 So here it is, Merry Christmas Everybody's having fun 820 00:50:40,697 --> 00:50:42,123 I think it's too late. 821 00:50:42,359 --> 00:50:52,404 Look to the future now It's only just begun 822 00:50:52,676 --> 00:50:58,165 Are you waiting for the family to arrive? 823 00:50:59,862 --> 00:51:05,573 Are you sure you've got the room to spare inside? 824 00:51:06,963 --> 00:51:13,727 Does your Granny always tell you That the old songs are the best? 825 00:51:13,847 --> 00:51:19,656 And she's up and rock'n'rolling with the rest. 826 00:51:20,269 --> 00:51:28,109 So here it is, Merry Christmas Everybody's having fun 827 00:51:28,688 --> 00:51:38,845 Look to the future now It's only just begun. 828 00:51:39,451 --> 00:51:46,479 What will your Daddy do when he sees your Mother kissing Santa Claus? 829 00:51:49,777 --> 00:51:57,839 So here it is, Merry Christmas Everybody's having fun 830 00:51:58,221 --> 00:52:04,410 Look to the future now It's only just begun. 831 00:52:04,530 --> 00:52:06,358 - Ready? - Yeah. Let's rock! 832 00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:18,911 Peace on Earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled 833 00:52:19,217 --> 00:52:21,772 So, tell me about this Christmas thing. 834 00:52:21,967 --> 00:52:24,678 Well, it's become a very big commercial thing in recent times. 835 00:52:24,756 --> 00:52:26,803 Oh, I like commercial... I like commercials! 836 00:52:27,014 --> 00:52:29,045 "Fly Fishing" by J.R.Hartley. 837 00:52:29,147 --> 00:52:30,303 Yeah, but originally 838 00:52:30,343 --> 00:52:33,311 it was supposed to celebrate the birth of this chap called Jesus Christ. 839 00:52:33,530 --> 00:52:36,498 Who was born, well, about 2,000 years ago. 840 00:52:36,554 --> 00:52:38,639 - Jesus you say? - Yeah. 841 00:52:39,350 --> 00:52:40,881 But I knew this guy! 842 00:52:41,998 --> 00:52:42,854 You did not! 843 00:52:42,879 --> 00:52:44,975 I did! What did he do to get so famous? 844 00:52:45,046 --> 00:52:46,569 Well he turned out to be the Son of God. 845 00:52:46,655 --> 00:52:48,194 No! I thought he was kidding! 846 00:52:48,343 --> 00:52:49,725 No... true blue. 847 00:52:52,780 --> 00:52:55,178 Dammit! I knew there was something special about him 848 00:52:55,257 --> 00:52:56,873 from the moment I first met him. 849 00:52:56,897 --> 00:52:57,803 You met him? 850 00:52:57,889 --> 00:52:59,889 Of course. He helped out with the wine at my brother's wedding. 851 00:53:04,389 --> 00:53:05,819 Wait a minute, so... 852 00:53:06,202 --> 00:53:07,772 You were at the wedding at Cana? 853 00:53:07,819 --> 00:53:08,770 Well, I think so, 854 00:53:08,795 --> 00:53:11,685 though by the end of it, I was so completely legless, I can't be sure. 855 00:53:12,795 --> 00:53:14,858 This is so bizarre. I told him, 856 00:53:14,975 --> 00:53:16,514 "You could be a big money-spinner." 857 00:53:16,593 --> 00:53:19,069 But oh no, Goodie Two-shoes was having none of it. 858 00:53:19,389 --> 00:53:21,303 One night, we're on the boat... 859 00:53:21,374 --> 00:53:22,936 He walks on water! 860 00:53:24,280 --> 00:53:25,451 You were there? 861 00:53:27,371 --> 00:53:30,069 One day, 5,000 people came out to see him talk. 862 00:53:30,194 --> 00:53:31,413 And they didn't have any food. 863 00:53:31,475 --> 00:53:32,553 So, guess what he did? 864 00:53:32,639 --> 00:53:34,553 He produced loaves and fishes for them all. 865 00:53:34,632 --> 00:53:37,741 Yes. I said "Let's open a restaurant right now." 866 00:53:37,835 --> 00:53:39,835 We'll call it Something Fishy. 867 00:53:39,975 --> 00:53:41,717 But he didn't like the name. 868 00:53:41,944 --> 00:53:43,889 Anyway, happy birthday, Big J. 869 00:53:43,967 --> 00:53:46,428 A crap businessman, but a great human being. 870 00:53:46,983 --> 00:53:48,717 - To Big J! - Big J! 871 00:53:51,452 --> 00:53:53,084 So tell me, what happened to him? 872 00:53:53,710 --> 00:53:55,162 Well, he was crucified. 873 00:53:56,843 --> 00:53:58,006 No. You're kidding! 874 00:53:58,405 --> 00:53:59,608 Afraid not. 875 00:54:00,249 --> 00:54:01,889 Wow... There's no need for that! 876 00:54:03,155 --> 00:54:04,912 This was a wonderful guy. 877 00:54:06,692 --> 00:54:08,692 But being the son of God, he came back to life again. 878 00:54:08,811 --> 00:54:10,553 Oh great! Is he still alive? 879 00:54:10,725 --> 00:54:13,514 Not really, no. You see, he rose up into heaven. 880 00:54:13,647 --> 00:54:14,725 Lucky for you. 881 00:54:14,757 --> 00:54:17,545 Jesus was not keen on people making money out of religion. 882 00:54:17,929 --> 00:54:20,780 One day I was in the temple when they tried to turn it into a supermarket. 883 00:54:20,983 --> 00:54:22,983 Jesus went in there, and kicked arse! 884 00:54:23,421 --> 00:54:25,069 Like Arnold Schwarzenegger? 885 00:54:25,163 --> 00:54:26,975 Yes, but with smaller pectorals. 886 00:54:27,624 --> 00:54:31,092 Yes, well unfortunately it seems the big money people are taking over. 887 00:54:31,327 --> 00:54:33,662 Hmmm, well it's time for the no-money people to strike back. 888 00:54:33,725 --> 00:54:36,006 Let's make some wishes for Big J, his way! 889 00:54:36,077 --> 00:54:37,457 You're the boss... Let's do it! 890 00:54:53,461 --> 00:55:00,224 When the snowman brings the snow Well he just might like to know 891 00:55:00,344 --> 00:55:02,440 He's put a great big smile on somebody's face 892 00:55:02,560 --> 00:55:03,693 Thank you! 893 00:55:04,494 --> 00:55:05,725 Do you have a ticket? 894 00:55:33,998 --> 00:55:35,380 Look, Mummy! 895 00:55:51,107 --> 00:55:52,950 Look, Mummy... Look what I've got! 896 00:55:53,100 --> 00:55:54,552 Mummy, look! 897 00:55:55,240 --> 00:55:56,427 Merry Christmas! 898 00:55:56,615 --> 00:55:58,036 Oh, you too! 899 00:55:59,622 --> 00:56:01,981 What about you? D'you fancy him as well? 900 00:56:06,013 --> 00:56:07,465 Is that for me? 901 00:56:11,921 --> 00:56:13,356 So, what did you wish for? 902 00:56:18,336 --> 00:56:19,841 What was that? 903 00:56:19,945 --> 00:56:21,405 Don't worry, Bernie, it was just a warning. 904 00:56:21,445 --> 00:56:24,210 Now, what about you? What would you like for Christmas? 905 00:56:24,429 --> 00:56:26,632 Well, I have had one or two little thoughts. 906 00:56:26,664 --> 00:56:28,163 Ah. Good! 907 00:56:28,664 --> 00:56:31,601 Littlewoods have announced their largest-ever pools winner. 908 00:56:31,952 --> 00:56:35,937 Mr Frank Kepple, a doorman in Wandsworth, has won 3 million pounds. 909 00:56:38,507 --> 00:56:41,218 Today he said it won't change his life. 910 00:56:41,336 --> 00:56:45,288 No, you see, this is in fact the 4th time I have won the 3 million pound prize. 911 00:56:45,453 --> 00:56:47,819 No, I don't believe it! 912 00:56:51,148 --> 00:56:52,827 Oh dear, the lift has stuck. 913 00:56:53,359 --> 00:56:55,061 It's never done that before. 914 00:56:56,211 --> 00:56:59,312 And in Battersea tonight, the cracking of a major drugs ring. 915 00:56:59,734 --> 00:57:01,616 Kevin Bell, the City financier, 916 00:57:01,687 --> 00:57:05,257 was found with 30 pounds of marijuana, stored under his bed. 917 00:57:05,492 --> 00:57:07,492 Look, it's a plant! 918 00:57:07,694 --> 00:57:10,326 I think you'll find it's 100 plants, actually. 919 00:57:10,351 --> 00:57:11,405 More like 1,000. 920 00:57:11,437 --> 00:57:14,093 Well, if it was all there, why didn't he ever give me any? 921 00:57:14,343 --> 00:57:15,162 Tragic! 922 00:57:15,226 --> 00:57:17,187 - Really terrible. - And they look such a nice couple. 923 00:57:18,117 --> 00:57:20,468 And finally, a charming Christmas story. 924 00:57:20,624 --> 00:57:24,124 This evening the Queen received an unexpected letter at Buckingham Palace. 925 00:57:24,422 --> 00:57:27,429 It included a cheque from arts dealer Charles Pinkworth, 926 00:57:27,632 --> 00:57:30,905 donating 100 million pounds to Christmas charities. 927 00:57:31,164 --> 00:57:34,921 We went down to the house, where a grateful crowd has gathered. 928 00:57:35,070 --> 00:57:38,437 For he's a jolly good fellow... 929 00:57:38,617 --> 00:57:40,468 And so say all of us! 930 00:57:40,515 --> 00:57:42,366 Mr Charles Pinkworth? 931 00:57:42,515 --> 00:57:43,319 Yes? 932 00:57:43,359 --> 00:57:46,859 What made you make this extraordinarily generous gesture? 933 00:57:47,281 --> 00:57:48,226 What gesture? 934 00:57:48,234 --> 00:57:50,234 100 million pounds! 935 00:57:50,375 --> 00:57:53,132 The 100 million pound cheque to the Queen. 936 00:57:53,898 --> 00:57:55,241 Repeat ye? 937 00:57:55,297 --> 00:58:00,562 Buckingham Palace apparently has received a 100 million pound charity cheque from you. 938 00:58:02,529 --> 00:58:05,491 You've become a national hero, because of your generosity. 939 00:58:06,242 --> 00:58:07,069 Have I? 940 00:58:07,109 --> 00:58:09,421 A knighthood is surely on its way. 941 00:58:09,547 --> 00:58:11,241 I wish it wasn't on its way. 942 00:58:11,361 --> 00:58:14,241 - Is it? - No, no, apparently it's not. 943 00:58:15,372 --> 00:58:18,054 But please tell the nation what your motives were. 944 00:58:18,140 --> 00:58:19,718 50 million people want to know. 945 00:58:20,938 --> 00:58:22,030 Yes. 946 00:58:23,007 --> 00:58:23,968 Well... 947 00:58:24,351 --> 00:58:27,593 Christmas is very much a time for giving. 948 00:58:27,742 --> 00:58:32,741 And I thought it was about time that somebody from the commercial sector 949 00:58:33,359 --> 00:58:35,952 put their money where their mouth was, 950 00:58:36,273 --> 00:58:39,835 and gave their entire fortune away 951 00:58:40,234 --> 00:58:41,343 to the needy. 952 00:58:42,233 --> 00:58:44,866 A fortune for which he has worked 953 00:58:45,374 --> 00:58:47,109 for 25 954 00:58:47,725 --> 00:58:49,335 bloody 955 00:58:50,208 --> 00:58:51,257 years. 956 00:59:03,086 --> 00:59:05,405 For he's a jolly good fellow... 957 00:59:05,797 --> 00:59:07,797 And so say all of us! 958 00:59:10,734 --> 00:59:12,734 And what a wonderful story that is. 959 00:59:12,859 --> 00:59:14,234 Now, the Christmas weather. 960 00:59:14,281 --> 00:59:16,515 And for the first time in 15 years, 961 00:59:16,804 --> 00:59:18,804 deep, deep snow. 962 00:59:19,413 --> 00:59:22,804 From all of us here, goodbye, and a very merry Christmas. 963 00:59:27,343 --> 00:59:28,913 Well, that's it then, isn't it? 964 00:59:28,968 --> 00:59:30,523 Er, not quite. 965 00:59:33,036 --> 00:59:35,153 Excuse me please. Thank you. 966 00:59:41,219 --> 00:59:43,210 Ah... snack time! 967 00:59:44,140 --> 00:59:45,671 A little light refreshment! 968 00:59:49,487 --> 00:59:52,576 So, what do you want for Christmas, Josephus? 969 00:59:52,696 --> 00:59:56,039 Oh, new pair of pants... Whatever you like. 970 00:59:56,180 --> 00:59:57,851 Chicken tandoori flavoured toothpaste. 971 00:59:57,930 --> 00:59:59,648 No, come on... you know... 972 01:00:00,008 --> 01:00:01,617 When we first met, 973 01:00:02,578 --> 01:00:04,781 I was the most wretched bloke in the whole world. 974 01:00:04,929 --> 01:00:07,702 Except maybe for that guy who's married to Esther Rantzen. 975 01:00:08,305 --> 01:00:09,429 Maybe him. 976 01:00:10,445 --> 01:00:11,750 But now, you know... 977 01:00:11,867 --> 01:00:15,132 I'm as happy as Michelle Pfeiffer's underpants. 978 01:00:16,008 --> 01:00:18,609 And I'd like to give you something fab for Christmas. 979 01:00:19,758 --> 01:00:20,789 Well... 980 01:00:20,953 --> 01:00:22,953 There is something, Bernard. 981 01:00:23,016 --> 01:00:24,531 But it's blooming hard to ask for. 982 01:00:24,570 --> 01:00:27,234 Well, just you ask away. Whatever it is, it's yours. 983 01:00:30,313 --> 01:00:31,656 I want to go home. 984 01:00:35,294 --> 01:00:37,953 See, I like it here. 985 01:00:38,266 --> 01:00:40,085 I love little Frank Carson 986 01:00:40,281 --> 01:00:42,281 and I love big Kevin Costner. 987 01:00:42,438 --> 01:00:44,148 I love post-it notes, 988 01:00:46,268 --> 01:00:47,656 I love you. 989 01:00:50,086 --> 01:00:52,086 But I miss things... 990 01:00:53,039 --> 01:00:54,742 I miss my family. 991 01:00:55,320 --> 01:00:57,789 I don't have anybody to write Christmas cards to. 992 01:00:59,445 --> 01:01:01,445 I miss my fianc�e. 993 01:01:02,273 --> 01:01:04,273 I miss Egbert and Pee Wee. 994 01:01:04,430 --> 01:01:05,523 The kittens? 995 01:01:05,719 --> 01:01:06,960 The kittens. 996 01:01:09,031 --> 01:01:12,078 And no one stir-fries rabbit droppings like my mum does. 997 01:01:13,023 --> 01:01:14,234 Yes, well... 998 01:01:14,703 --> 01:01:16,703 People rather seem to have lost the knack, there. 999 01:01:18,403 --> 01:01:19,793 Oh dear. 1000 01:01:20,913 --> 01:01:23,156 Yes, well... 1001 01:01:24,133 --> 01:01:25,156 Surely. 1002 01:01:25,250 --> 01:01:26,343 And there's another thing... 1003 01:01:26,367 --> 01:01:29,289 If I could just get the recipe for these 100 percent beef patty things... 1004 01:01:29,430 --> 01:01:31,351 - You could make a bob or two. - Exactly! 1005 01:01:31,375 --> 01:01:33,718 And if I could memorise the songs by Mr Barry White, 1006 01:01:33,984 --> 01:01:37,281 I could snog every babe in a yashmak from Mount Hebron to the Red Sea. 1007 01:01:37,328 --> 01:01:38,828 We got it together, didn't we? 1008 01:01:39,711 --> 01:01:41,515 Sure, sure. I understand. 1009 01:01:45,351 --> 01:01:46,820 You should go. 1010 01:01:48,945 --> 01:01:50,187 But first, 1011 01:01:50,672 --> 01:01:52,500 there's one thing I'd like to try. 1012 01:01:53,828 --> 01:01:55,554 Don't be nervous, Bernie! 1013 01:01:55,688 --> 01:01:57,343 Don't worry, I've got you. 1014 01:02:00,969 --> 01:02:02,750 That's where I was born. 1015 01:02:16,272 --> 01:02:18,054 That was a fabulous tour, Bernie. 1016 01:02:18,195 --> 01:02:19,296 Thank you! 1017 01:02:19,460 --> 01:02:21,952 Rome wasn't quite as big as I expected it to be. 1018 01:02:22,156 --> 01:02:24,835 But New York? Wow! That was fantastic! 1019 01:02:24,898 --> 01:02:27,265 Yeah, the Americans have put a lot of work into it. 1020 01:02:28,297 --> 01:02:30,804 Tell me... why are there no tall buildings in Beirut? 1021 01:02:31,508 --> 01:02:33,125 That's a long story. 1022 01:02:33,758 --> 01:02:35,484 Take me home, James! 1023 01:02:41,539 --> 01:02:44,304 I can't believe you wished for this stuff. It's bloody freezing! 1024 01:03:09,586 --> 01:03:11,389 Well, here we go... 1025 01:03:12,648 --> 01:03:13,875 Goodbye! 1026 01:03:15,906 --> 01:03:17,906 You great big funky dude. 1027 01:03:21,141 --> 01:03:22,250 I'd like to say I'd call, but 1028 01:03:22,359 --> 01:03:25,101 the phone system in 1st century Palestine is absolute crap. 1029 01:03:28,412 --> 01:03:32,937 Okay. Are you sure you've got enough stuff? 1030 01:03:33,047 --> 01:03:34,210 I think so. 1031 01:03:37,070 --> 01:03:38,234 Look... 1032 01:03:38,883 --> 01:03:40,593 ...if you bump into Jesus, 1033 01:03:41,063 --> 01:03:44,109 tell him to keep an eye on Judas. He's a nasty piece of work. 1034 01:03:45,031 --> 01:03:46,039 Okay. 1035 01:03:46,992 --> 01:03:48,507 I have a present for you. 1036 01:03:48,984 --> 01:03:50,140 Take it from me. 1037 01:03:50,281 --> 01:03:51,515 It may not look like much, 1038 01:03:51,648 --> 01:03:54,016 but it may come in handy, when I leave. 1039 01:03:54,406 --> 01:03:56,053 Okay, fine, thanks. 1040 01:03:59,367 --> 01:04:01,171 And when you're looking through that old bibble... 1041 01:04:01,680 --> 01:04:03,406 - Bible. - Whatever. 1042 01:04:03,937 --> 01:04:06,710 And it says... "And the multitude gathered..." 1043 01:04:07,367 --> 01:04:08,695 Remember, 1044 01:04:09,461 --> 01:04:12,218 one of them is a close personal friend of yours. 1045 01:04:12,898 --> 01:04:16,296 Oh, this is getting far too emotional, I wish you'd just go. 1046 01:04:18,180 --> 01:04:21,337 No, wait, I wish... I wish... 1047 01:04:29,912 --> 01:04:31,118 Okay. 1048 01:04:40,808 --> 01:04:43,724 Thank you. Merry Christmas! 1049 01:04:49,599 --> 01:04:51,599 So what do you want for Christmas? 1050 01:06:16,996 --> 01:06:23,837 He's Mr. Success. He's higher than high. He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie. 1051 01:06:23,957 --> 01:06:31,183 He's king of the hill. He's top of the heap. He's Mr. Unique. He's not Mr. Sheep. 1052 01:06:31,303 --> 01:06:35,169 From the shine on his shoe To the stars in his eye 1053 01:06:35,289 --> 01:06:39,941 If he were a girl He'd be Princess Di. 1054 01:06:42,310 --> 01:06:49,535 He's Mr. Success. He's higher than high. He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie. 1055 01:06:49,655 --> 01:06:57,166 He's king of the hill. He's top of the heap. He's Mr. Unique. He's not Mr. Sheep.79030

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