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1
00:01:52,297 --> 00:01:59,312
He's Mr. Success. He's higher than high.
He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie.
2
00:01:59,432 --> 00:02:06,545
He's king of the hill. He's top of the heap.
He's Mr. Unique. He's not Mr. Sheep.
3
00:02:06,665 --> 00:02:10,334
From the shine on his shoe
To the stars in his eye
4
00:02:10,722 --> 00:02:15,301
If he were a girl
He'd be Princess Di.
5
00:02:17,602 --> 00:02:24,999
He's Mr. Success. He's higher than high.
He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie.
6
00:02:25,119 --> 00:02:32,515
He's king of the hill. He's top of the heap.
He's Mr. Unique. He's not Mr. Sheep.
7
00:02:37,557 --> 00:02:38,862
Come!
8
00:02:40,549 --> 00:02:42,337
Ah, Bottle!
9
00:02:42,493 --> 00:02:45,447
Enter ye! Enter ye!
10
00:02:45,627 --> 00:02:46,642
Thank you, Sir.
11
00:02:48,604 --> 00:02:49,837
Oh, and er...
12
00:02:50,016 --> 00:02:51,555
Thanks for sending your limo, Sir.
13
00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:54,103
Oh, pish!
Sit ye. Sit ye!
14
00:02:54,705 --> 00:02:55,595
Cigar?
15
00:02:56,170 --> 00:02:58,408
Oh, come on, take ye! Take ye!
16
00:02:58,775 --> 00:03:00,134
Excellent!
17
00:03:00,354 --> 00:03:04,650
Well... Bottle... You had quite a day
yesterday, didn't you?
18
00:03:04,783 --> 00:03:06,048
Not bad, Sir!
19
00:03:06,166 --> 00:03:07,830
Better than a hefty kick
in the trousers!
20
00:03:07,971 --> 00:03:11,009
Oh, come on, boast ye!
Boast ye!
21
00:03:11,239 --> 00:03:14,330
Due to your ability to ferret out
great works of art
22
00:03:14,408 --> 00:03:17,962
in the country houses of some
mad short-sighted old sock-knitters,
23
00:03:18,158 --> 00:03:22,400
you've made this firm 50
million pounds in clear profit.
24
00:03:23,574 --> 00:03:24,449
Well not quite, Sir...
25
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,645
Not once we've paid
the old ladies back their share.
26
00:03:27,223 --> 00:03:30,863
Oh, yes, now I wanted to talk to you
about this, Bernard.
27
00:03:31,215 --> 00:03:32,684
Do you mind if I call you Bernard?
28
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,754
No Sir, Bernie if you like.
29
00:03:35,325 --> 00:03:36,176
Yes...
30
00:03:36,786 --> 00:03:38,379
Well, the fact is,
31
00:03:39,527 --> 00:03:43,605
Bernard, I haven't quite mastered
this refund bit.
32
00:03:43,786 --> 00:03:45,371
Elucidate ye!
33
00:03:45,504 --> 00:03:48,848
Well, Sir...
I bought the paintings for a song.
34
00:03:49,214 --> 00:03:52,340
But I always said that if they
turn out to be really valuable,
35
00:03:52,544 --> 00:03:54,004
we'd pay the owners back.
36
00:03:54,333 --> 00:03:55,332
Properly.
37
00:03:55,575 --> 00:03:56,801
Obviously not the full amount,
38
00:03:56,911 --> 00:03:58,145
because if we
hadn't found them,
39
00:03:58,270 --> 00:03:59,957
the old ladies in question
wouldn't have got anything.
40
00:04:00,012 --> 00:04:01,356
That's a good point, Bernard.
41
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:04,512
That's a fully-fledged bastard
of a good point.
42
00:04:05,233 --> 00:04:07,301
Yes, so now that we've sold them,
43
00:04:07,309 --> 00:04:09,910
I thought we'd return half the money
to the lovely old birds.
44
00:04:10,247 --> 00:04:11,738
Oh, I see!
45
00:04:11,942 --> 00:04:12,762
Excellent!
46
00:04:12,911 --> 00:04:16,434
So you're suggesting we return
25 million pounds
47
00:04:16,468 --> 00:04:18,988
to the aforementioned old bats
48
00:04:19,158 --> 00:04:22,003
and keep a cool 25 mil
for ourselves?
49
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:23,395
That's the ticket, Sir.
50
00:04:23,441 --> 00:04:25,160
And I've got a list of
some other old ladies
51
00:04:25,185 --> 00:04:27,925
who might have the odd Gainsborough
tucked away in their attic.
52
00:04:28,246 --> 00:04:29,777
- Have you?
- Yes.
53
00:04:30,285 --> 00:04:31,481
Good.
54
00:04:32,325 --> 00:04:33,285
Good.
55
00:04:34,208 --> 00:04:36,208
I like the cut of your jib,
56
00:04:36,637 --> 00:04:37,543
Bottle!
57
00:04:37,691 --> 00:04:38,926
I've been watching you...
58
00:04:39,175 --> 00:04:41,754
And I've been thinking about
your future with the firm.
59
00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:42,902
Thank you, Sir.
60
00:04:43,504 --> 00:04:46,020
I'm already assessing the prospects
for the staff.
61
00:04:46,348 --> 00:04:49,731
And so naturally, my thoughts
have turned to you.
62
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,559
- Have they, Sir?
- Yes, they have, Bernard.
63
00:04:53,012 --> 00:04:55,220
And I've made a big decision.
64
00:04:56,192 --> 00:04:57,551
And what's that, Sir?
65
00:04:58,738 --> 00:05:00,379
You're fired.
66
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,801
- Sorry, Sir?
- Fired, Bottle!
67
00:05:05,239 --> 00:05:07,152
I sack ye!
68
00:05:07,301 --> 00:05:10,785
I want you and your
philanthropic little arse
69
00:05:10,879 --> 00:05:12,824
out of this building,
pronto,
70
00:05:13,028 --> 00:05:15,254
or I'll have you arrested
for loitering.
71
00:05:15,394 --> 00:05:18,151
And probably throw a charge
of sexual harassment into the bargain.
72
00:05:18,176 --> 00:05:20,715
- I'm not with you, Sir.
- Not any more, you're not.
73
00:05:20,951 --> 00:05:22,613
And if I have anything
to do with it,
74
00:05:22,809 --> 00:05:24,809
you won't be with
anyone else, either.
75
00:05:25,184 --> 00:05:27,184
Miss Temple, take a letter.
76
00:05:27,684 --> 00:05:30,332
I want it circulated to
everyone in the art world,
77
00:05:30,410 --> 00:05:32,536
including Gilbert and George...
78
00:05:33,075 --> 00:05:34,371
Dearest darlings...
79
00:05:34,481 --> 00:05:38,082
I write to warn you
against employing a Mr B. Bottle,
80
00:05:38,309 --> 00:05:40,675
whom I've just caught
attempting to steal...
81
00:05:40,770 --> 00:05:42,270
Notice steal there, Bottle.
82
00:05:42,527 --> 00:05:44,871
25 million pounds from me.
83
00:05:46,090 --> 00:05:47,581
Don't even interview him.
84
00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:49,506
He has just left my office,
85
00:05:49,531 --> 00:05:53,028
and suddenly my gold
fountain pen has disappeared.
86
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,645
I'm therefore yours
in crayon.
87
00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:59,981
P.S. I've just dropped in
on my secretary,
88
00:06:00,051 --> 00:06:01,738
who looks distinctly harassed,
89
00:06:02,122 --> 00:06:03,457
sexually.
90
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:06,880
I think you get the message, Bottle.
91
00:06:07,794 --> 00:06:08,934
Yes, Sir.
92
00:06:12,223 --> 00:06:13,879
Not very nice message.
93
00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:17,637
No... it's a true-blue stinker.
94
00:06:18,707 --> 00:06:20,020
Farewell, Bottle.
95
00:06:20,153 --> 00:06:22,153
And never darken
our doors again.
96
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:25,356
This is a profit-making organisation,
not Help the Aged.
97
00:06:29,317 --> 00:06:30,910
Wait a minute...!
98
00:06:31,450 --> 00:06:33,106
This isn't just a lovely joke
99
00:06:33,129 --> 00:06:35,551
before you promote me
to Head of Department, is it Sir?
100
00:06:37,262 --> 00:06:39,492
- No.
- Oh.
101
00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:41,035
Right...
102
00:06:41,121 --> 00:06:43,402
Bugger ye off!
103
00:06:49,933 --> 00:07:00,814
He's Mr. No Good. He's Mr. Depressed.
His butt has been kicked. His life's in a mess.
104
00:07:00,934 --> 00:07:12,107
He's Mr. Despair. He's Mr. Bad Luck.
(?**)
105
00:07:27,832 --> 00:07:28,949
Home early, Sir!
106
00:07:29,050 --> 00:07:30,745
Did they give you the day off
as a reward?
107
00:07:30,816 --> 00:07:32,605
Well, no actually, Kepple,
they fired me.
108
00:07:32,684 --> 00:07:34,558
- Oh no, Sir!
- Oh yes, Kepple.
109
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,769
I make them a fortune
and they bloomin' well kick me out.
110
00:07:40,137 --> 00:07:41,316
That's terrible, Sir.
111
00:07:42,074 --> 00:07:43,785
Exactly the same thing
happened to me.
112
00:07:43,832 --> 00:07:45,832
I used to work
for this big oil firm.
113
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:48,066
I discovered the formula
for a new kind of petrol.
114
00:07:48,098 --> 00:07:50,098
Cleaner. Cheaper.
More efficient.
115
00:07:50,527 --> 00:07:51,996
Kinder to the environment.
116
00:07:52,457 --> 00:07:54,167
I handed it in.
The next day they fired me.
117
00:07:54,512 --> 00:07:55,933
I never saw a penny
of the profits.
118
00:07:56,798 --> 00:07:58,519
- Is that true, Kepple?
- No Sir, it's not.
119
00:07:59,105 --> 00:08:01,542
- Not true?
- No, Sir, it's a total lie, Sir.
120
00:08:01,917 --> 00:08:03,214
I thought it might
cheer you up.
121
00:08:08,371 --> 00:08:10,081
That's very decent of you, Kepple.
122
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:46,487
Hello, I'm sorry I'm not
in my office at the moment.
123
00:08:46,607 --> 00:08:48,641
Please leave a message,
I'll get back to you. Bye.
124
00:09:09,058 --> 00:09:11,222
- Hello...?
- Hi Kev, Bernie here.
125
00:09:11,253 --> 00:09:15,019
Oh, hi... look erm... things are
a bit complicated right now, OK?
126
00:09:15,285 --> 00:09:17,394
God, you are like a rabbit...
do you never stop?
127
00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:18,636
Yeah, I know.
128
00:09:19,533 --> 00:09:22,011
Er look, erm, I've got some
pretty grizzly news.
129
00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,463
Could do with a shoulder to cry on.
130
00:09:23,488 --> 00:09:24,667
I just tried Judy,
but she's out.
131
00:09:24,738 --> 00:09:25,651
You don't know
where she is, do you?
132
00:09:25,771 --> 00:09:28,035
Um... well... uh...
133
00:09:28,495 --> 00:09:30,868
- It's Bernie!
- What?
134
00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:32,988
- I do, actually.
- Oh, great!
135
00:09:34,348 --> 00:09:35,855
Hello, Bernard.
136
00:09:36,027 --> 00:09:37,205
Oh... hi, sweetheart!
137
00:09:37,325 --> 00:09:40,112
Oh look, you're not gonna believe
what's gone and...
138
00:09:40,402 --> 00:09:41,589
...bloomin' well happened...
139
00:09:41,691 --> 00:09:43,371
I reported into work
this morning, and...
140
00:09:45,105 --> 00:09:46,152
Wait a minute...!
141
00:09:47,292 --> 00:09:49,472
What in the banana tree
are you doing there?
142
00:09:50,004 --> 00:09:52,004
Well, you had to
find out some time.
143
00:09:52,152 --> 00:09:53,613
It might as well be now.
144
00:09:54,473 --> 00:09:55,808
Look, the thing is...
145
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,776
Kevin and I
are deeply in love.
146
00:10:00,964 --> 00:10:02,791
Yeah, sorry about this, mate.
147
00:10:03,105 --> 00:10:03,824
And we thought...
148
00:10:03,902 --> 00:10:06,488
Seeing as you're getting so successful
and everything, these days...
149
00:10:06,582 --> 00:10:08,722
Yeah, congratulations.
Great news.
150
00:10:08,808 --> 00:10:10,762
Perhaps you wouldn't mind
so much us telling you.
151
00:10:10,949 --> 00:10:12,949
Look... wait a minute...
152
00:10:13,254 --> 00:10:14,832
Let me get this straight...
you mean...
153
00:10:15,494 --> 00:10:17,494
- You and Kevin...
- Yes.
154
00:10:17,808 --> 00:10:18,652
That's right.
155
00:10:19,129 --> 00:10:21,121
Thanks for introducing us, mate!
156
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,324
Oh, and Bernie, by the way...
157
00:10:23,449 --> 00:10:25,105
Just as a matter of interest...
158
00:10:25,441 --> 00:10:28,847
You know you used to wonder why it was
that Kevin got so many girlfriends?
159
00:10:29,816 --> 00:10:32,433
Yes, why does he get
so many girlfriends?
160
00:10:32,728 --> 00:10:35,223
Because he's so good in bed.
161
00:10:36,145 --> 00:10:37,621
Oh, great.
162
00:10:49,654 --> 00:10:51,066
- Bernie...
- Yes?
163
00:10:51,371 --> 00:10:52,776
I was thinking, darling...
164
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:54,691
Do you mind if
I just come round?
165
00:10:55,090 --> 00:10:56,847
Oh, no, please do...
166
00:10:56,902 --> 00:10:59,691
I'm sure there's nothing
a good chat can't sort out.
167
00:11:00,465 --> 00:11:01,628
I want to get my stuff...
168
00:11:01,668 --> 00:11:03,566
I'm really eager
to get settled in here.
169
00:11:03,699 --> 00:11:04,613
Oh, good.
170
00:11:04,879 --> 00:11:06,152
Excellent news.
171
00:11:21,730 --> 00:11:25,238
It'll be lonely this Christmas...
172
00:11:25,918 --> 00:11:29,042
Without you to hold
173
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:32,613
It'll be lonely this Christmas
174
00:11:33,472 --> 00:11:36,105
Lonely and cold
175
00:11:36,604 --> 00:11:43,574
It'll be cold, so cold, without you to hold
176
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,840
This Christmas
177
00:11:51,621 --> 00:11:57,792
Each time I remember
the day you went away
178
00:11:59,589 --> 00:12:04,964
And how I wouldn't listen
to the things you had to say
179
00:12:05,074 --> 00:12:08,886
I just break down as I look around
180
00:12:09,034 --> 00:12:12,058
And the only things I see
181
00:12:12,402 --> 00:12:19,339
Are emptiness and loneliness
And an unlit Christmas tree
182
00:12:21,020 --> 00:12:28,699
It'll be cold, so cold,
without you to hold
183
00:12:28,871 --> 00:12:31,738
This Christmas
184
00:12:37,650 --> 00:12:39,398
You remember last year
185
00:12:39,518 --> 00:12:41,859
when you and I were here.
186
00:12:44,198 --> 00:12:46,306
We never thought
there'd be an end...
187
00:12:48,049 --> 00:12:50,049
And I remember looking at you, darling
188
00:12:50,489 --> 00:12:55,067
And I remember thinking that Christmas
must have been made for us
189
00:12:55,606 --> 00:13:00,628
'cause, darling, this is the time of year
that you really, you really need love
190
00:13:01,052 --> 00:13:04,535
When it means so very, very much
191
00:13:04,830 --> 00:13:06,502
It'll be lonely...
192
00:13:06,658 --> 00:13:11,418
So, it'll be lonely this Christmas
Without you to hold
193
00:13:15,635 --> 00:13:16,541
What happened?
194
00:13:16,604 --> 00:13:18,408
Seems to have been
some sort of explosion, Sir.
195
00:13:18,487 --> 00:13:19,845
Good Lord!
How am I?
196
00:13:19,916 --> 00:13:21,135
Do I still look vaguely human?
197
00:13:21,239 --> 00:13:22,978
Or have I turned into
Julian Lloyd Webber?
198
00:13:23,049 --> 00:13:25,861
No, you're fine, Mr Bottle.
Just a little bang on your head.
199
00:13:25,916 --> 00:13:27,916
And one severely-singed testicle.
200
00:13:28,010 --> 00:13:29,494
You'll be out of here
in the morning.
201
00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:31,720
Don't you worry, Sir. I had a friend
who had both his legs blown off,
202
00:13:31,776 --> 00:13:33,377
and he was up and walkin' around
in a fortnight.
203
00:13:33,510 --> 00:13:35,510
- Is that true, Kepple?
- Not exactly, Sir.
204
00:13:38,330 --> 00:13:39,166
Right!
205
00:13:39,322 --> 00:13:41,673
Now you just rest, and tomorrow
your friend can pick you up.
206
00:13:41,838 --> 00:13:43,095
Thank you, sister.
207
00:13:52,799 --> 00:13:54,916
Thanks for sticking with me
last night, Kepple.
208
00:13:55,065 --> 00:13:56,111
That's alright, Sir.
209
00:13:56,823 --> 00:13:59,267
They didn't nickname me
Sticky Kepple for nothing.
210
00:13:59,932 --> 00:14:02,306
- Your nickname was Sticky Kepple?
- No Sir, it wasn't.
211
00:14:02,527 --> 00:14:04,527
They don't go in for nicknames
in the Navy.
212
00:14:09,073 --> 00:14:11,073
I didn't know you were
in the Navy, Kepple.
213
00:14:12,190 --> 00:14:14,697
I wasn't, Sir...
Can't stand the sea.
214
00:14:15,112 --> 00:14:16,291
However, be that
as it may...
215
00:14:16,424 --> 00:14:17,761
If you ever need anything,
you just call
216
00:14:17,881 --> 00:14:23,964
and I'll be up there faster than
a poker up a pervert. - Indeed.
217
00:14:26,801 --> 00:14:28,478
Anchors aweigh, Sir!
218
00:15:51,588 --> 00:15:53,431
Oh, my God,
you're a maniac!
219
00:16:09,286 --> 00:16:11,622
Kepple! Kepple!
Save me!
220
00:16:29,410 --> 00:16:33,206
There's nothing left to steal. My bloomin' girlfriend's gone and nicked the lot.
221
00:16:41,253 --> 00:16:43,325
Oh lawks a-mercy...
I wish you could speak English.
222
00:16:43,388 --> 00:16:44,317
I can!
223
00:16:44,489 --> 00:16:45,794
- You can?
- Yes!
224
00:16:46,020 --> 00:16:47,184
Your wish is my command.
225
00:16:47,208 --> 00:16:48,950
Now, beware, oh short one...
226
00:16:49,005 --> 00:16:51,669
You smell of peppermint,
and it is time to die!
227
00:16:55,411 --> 00:16:56,352
Sorry?
228
00:16:56,454 --> 00:16:58,581
- You smell of peppermint.
- No, no, before that.
229
00:16:58,633 --> 00:17:00,119
Beware, oh short one!
230
00:17:00,151 --> 00:17:01,717
No, no, no... further back...
Right at the top.
231
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:05,910
Unfortunately,
your wish is my command.
232
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,596
Okay... then I wish you'd stop
trying to kill me.
233
00:17:09,219 --> 00:17:10,156
Damn!
234
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:17,669
Gotcha!
235
00:17:18,077 --> 00:17:19,978
Okay, what's the story, Abdul?
236
00:17:20,144 --> 00:17:22,354
How the bloomin' hell
did you get into my house?
237
00:17:22,445 --> 00:17:24,328
I was in the bloomin' lamp!
238
00:17:24,375 --> 00:17:25,509
Yes, very likely!
239
00:17:25,580 --> 00:17:28,415
And how do large transvestites
get inside lamps these days?
240
00:17:28,509 --> 00:17:29,797
A bloomin' wizard did it,
241
00:17:29,829 --> 00:17:31,340
and made me into
a bloomin' genie,
242
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:33,296
without so much as
a bloomin' by-your-leave!
243
00:17:34,832 --> 00:17:36,953
I'm dealing with a madman!
Don't move!
244
00:17:37,073 --> 00:17:40,531
This is one of these really scary
Bulgarian poison-tipped umbrellas.
245
00:17:41,205 --> 00:17:42,414
One prick is fatal!
246
00:17:43,134 --> 00:17:44,694
I'm going to ring the police.
247
00:17:45,208 --> 00:17:47,096
Damn! I wish there was
a phone in here.
248
00:17:51,493 --> 00:17:53,493
Have you just injected LSD
into my bottom?
249
00:17:53,647 --> 00:17:55,013
Look... I've explained this...
250
00:17:55,076 --> 00:17:56,423
I'm a genie...
251
00:17:56,458 --> 00:17:58,976
Oh, come off it, mate...!
Who's ever heard of genies?
252
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:00,516
Well, you, obviously!
253
00:18:00,588 --> 00:18:02,587
Look, we're like ghosts and dragons
and unicorns.
254
00:18:02,678 --> 00:18:04,697
You don't think they exist
until you meet them.
255
00:18:04,798 --> 00:18:06,251
So, all I have to do is wish?
256
00:18:06,666 --> 00:18:09,824
As far as I know, the training for this
stupid job is practically non-existent.
257
00:18:10,082 --> 00:18:12,438
Well you'd better get your next
alibi ready pretty quickly,
258
00:18:12,687 --> 00:18:14,966
because I wish this chair
was Melvyn Bragg.
259
00:18:18,716 --> 00:18:20,129
I wish it wasn't.
260
00:18:21,857 --> 00:18:23,255
Sorry, Melvyn.
261
00:18:24,927 --> 00:18:26,537
Lord in heaven!
You mean...
262
00:18:28,030 --> 00:18:29,576
So... for instance...
263
00:18:30,947 --> 00:18:34,625
If I were to wish my pockets
were full of money...
264
00:18:38,997 --> 00:18:40,997
Oh my God!
265
00:18:47,523 --> 00:18:49,694
Oh Kevin, I'm worried
about Bernard.
266
00:18:49,984 --> 00:18:51,984
Yeah, I'm worried
about him too, baby.
267
00:18:52,231 --> 00:18:53,763
This guy's my best friend.
268
00:18:53,816 --> 00:18:55,816
I'd do anything
not to hurt him.
269
00:19:01,404 --> 00:19:02,716
I know.
270
00:19:03,193 --> 00:19:04,317
I know.
271
00:19:04,638 --> 00:19:06,153
But you know, baby...
272
00:19:06,185 --> 00:19:08,185
Bernard's always lived
in a bit of a dream world.
273
00:19:08,497 --> 00:19:09,919
I mean, I love this man...
274
00:19:10,099 --> 00:19:11,583
But he looked like a turnip...
275
00:19:12,044 --> 00:19:13,275
And if what you say is true,
276
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:15,951
he had all the sexual skills
of a small Dutch cheese.
277
00:19:16,568 --> 00:19:18,497
Well, a medium-size
Dutch cheese.
278
00:19:18,888 --> 00:19:21,567
And yet he still thought he could go out
with a goddess like you.
279
00:19:22,099 --> 00:19:24,559
Fact is that sometime,
Bernard's got to come down to earth.
280
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:26,254
Got to realise that it's
281
00:19:26,325 --> 00:19:29,583
a tough dog-stabs-dog-in-the-back
and then eats-dog world.
282
00:19:30,318 --> 00:19:31,716
We're doing him a favour.
283
00:19:32,154 --> 00:19:35,122
The sooner Bernie faces up to reality,
the better.
284
00:19:39,271 --> 00:19:41,567
So, all I have to do
is wish?
285
00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:43,333
As far as I know.
286
00:19:43,661 --> 00:19:45,309
Wish me mum
could see me now.
287
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:46,700
Hello, Bernard!
288
00:19:47,365 --> 00:19:49,365
Are you feeding yourself properly?
289
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,841
And what a condition
this place is in!
290
00:19:53,099 --> 00:19:55,817
On second thoughts, no offense mum,
I wish she couldn't.
291
00:20:01,063 --> 00:20:03,403
I have to be very careful...
Don't I?
292
00:20:04,238 --> 00:20:08,168
Yes. Say the words "I wish" with the caution
you would normally reserve for
293
00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:09,911
"Please castrate me."
294
00:20:10,223 --> 00:20:11,192
Yes.
295
00:20:12,068 --> 00:20:13,591
It's going to be brilliant!
296
00:20:13,669 --> 00:20:16,278
But I think we should sort out
just exactly how it's going to work.
297
00:20:21,016 --> 00:20:24,598
Things must have changed somewhat,
since you were last... out.
298
00:20:25,786 --> 00:20:27,348
I bet!
So, tell me...
299
00:20:27,521 --> 00:20:29,521
- How's old Caesar?
- Caesar?
300
00:20:29,654 --> 00:20:31,208
Yes, the emperor.
301
00:20:32,161 --> 00:20:33,739
Ah well, you see, he's dead.
302
00:20:33,802 --> 00:20:36,059
- No! What happened?
- He was stabbed. In the Capitol.
303
00:20:36,154 --> 00:20:38,154
God, so who's in charge now?
Brutus?
304
00:20:38,286 --> 00:20:39,598
No, he's dead, too.
305
00:20:39,982 --> 00:20:41,653
Wow! A real massacre!
306
00:20:41,693 --> 00:20:42,653
Yeah.
307
00:20:44,247 --> 00:20:45,723
Look, um...
308
00:20:47,022 --> 00:20:49,341
There's something I think
I ought to explain.
309
00:20:50,474 --> 00:20:53,481
You see, you've obviously
been inside the lamp
310
00:20:53,755 --> 00:20:55,208
slightly longer than you think.
311
00:20:55,458 --> 00:20:56,378
How long?
312
00:20:56,403 --> 00:20:58,536
Well, give or take
a day or two,
313
00:20:59,253 --> 00:21:00,645
2,000 years.
314
00:21:01,036 --> 00:21:03,942
No...!
2,000 years?!
315
00:21:05,029 --> 00:21:07,029
Most of my friends
will be dead.
316
00:21:07,318 --> 00:21:09,106
All, I think's a more likely guess.
317
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:10,919
Yes... my girlfriend...
318
00:21:11,060 --> 00:21:13,645
My mother... my father...
my sister...
319
00:21:15,302 --> 00:21:16,543
The kittens!
320
00:21:17,802 --> 00:21:19,020
Wow!
321
00:21:20,888 --> 00:21:22,184
I'm very sorry.
322
00:21:22,534 --> 00:21:25,286
No, no, I'm the one
who should be sorry.
323
00:21:25,865 --> 00:21:28,614
The last thing you need
around the place is a gloomy genie.
324
00:21:28,974 --> 00:21:30,974
Go ahead, make some wishes.
Go ahead!
325
00:21:31,044 --> 00:21:33,927
- I'll be fine.
- Oh no, for heaven's sake.
326
00:21:34,536 --> 00:21:35,966
I know how you feel.
327
00:21:38,661 --> 00:21:41,755
My life hasn't been
too rosy recently, either.
328
00:21:42,106 --> 00:21:44,520
Getting teased a lot
about the stupid haircut?
329
00:21:44,989 --> 00:21:46,004
No!
330
00:21:46,411 --> 00:21:48,294
Everything else
has been pretty crappy.
331
00:21:48,427 --> 00:21:50,177
I just got sacked,
and then
332
00:21:50,599 --> 00:21:53,341
found out that my fianc�e
was sleeping with my best friend.
333
00:21:53,700 --> 00:21:55,231
Do you wish me
to kill them?
334
00:21:55,294 --> 00:21:58,083
Erm no, that's not really the way
we do things any longer.
335
00:21:58,192 --> 00:22:00,574
Well, how do you deal
with your enemies these days?
336
00:22:00,857 --> 00:22:03,403
Well... we kind of
don't see them.
337
00:22:03,693 --> 00:22:05,693
You know, sort of spurn them.
Spurn them!
338
00:22:06,458 --> 00:22:09,622
Then the odd nasty look,
kind of ... er... sarcastic remark...
339
00:22:09,841 --> 00:22:12,362
And then we kind of encourage
our other friends, you know,
340
00:22:12,482 --> 00:22:15,802
not to see them
and to be a bit sarcastic too.
341
00:22:16,427 --> 00:22:17,512
That's it?!
342
00:22:18,958 --> 00:22:20,677
So it's not all progress then?
343
00:22:22,237 --> 00:22:25,044
Still, don't get too depressed.
Look on the bright side.
344
00:22:25,247 --> 00:22:27,864
Your fianc�e is buried in the arms
of your best friend.
345
00:22:28,099 --> 00:22:30,317
Mine is buried in an artichoke patch
in Jerusalem.
346
00:22:30,443 --> 00:22:31,708
Good point.
347
00:22:35,137 --> 00:22:36,418
I know!
348
00:22:36,466 --> 00:22:38,130
I wish you weren't
so depressed.
349
00:22:42,013 --> 00:22:43,677
No, it doesn't work.
350
00:22:43,841 --> 00:22:45,841
You can't change people's feelings
with wishes.
351
00:22:47,310 --> 00:22:48,325
Oh dear.
352
00:22:50,088 --> 00:22:52,088
Then we're in trouble,
aren't we?
353
00:23:15,091 --> 00:23:16,599
Well, what say as to
we have a bite to eat?
354
00:23:18,591 --> 00:23:20,317
How does a hamburger
grab you?
355
00:23:20,732 --> 00:23:21,669
A what?
356
00:23:22,036 --> 00:23:24,036
Oh well, it's er...
357
00:23:24,099 --> 00:23:25,497
two all-beef patties...
358
00:23:25,599 --> 00:23:27,599
special sauce, lettuce, cheese,
359
00:23:27,677 --> 00:23:29,677
pickles, onions
in a sesame seed bun.
360
00:23:31,294 --> 00:23:33,698
- I might take out the pickles.
- You wouldn't be the first.
361
00:23:33,818 --> 00:23:37,384
I wish we had two Big Macs!
Have a try.
362
00:23:39,851 --> 00:23:41,783
Erm, take it out of the box first.
363
00:23:43,779 --> 00:23:45,779
Everybody dead.
364
00:23:46,458 --> 00:23:48,458
All I ever wanted was
to get out of the lamp.
365
00:23:48,637 --> 00:23:49,802
Now...
366
00:23:50,685 --> 00:23:52,685
I almost wish I hadn't.
367
00:23:57,318 --> 00:23:59,067
On the other hand!
368
00:23:59,318 --> 00:24:02,575
Bite my beetroot!
That is fantastic!
369
00:24:02,825 --> 00:24:05,817
You get the right price,
you could sell hundreds of these.
370
00:24:06,044 --> 00:24:07,927
Well, they do sell
quite a few.
371
00:24:08,482 --> 00:24:10,833
There's a difference about this
people will enjoy.
372
00:24:11,185 --> 00:24:12,934
Even the pickles are nice!
373
00:24:14,896 --> 00:24:15,833
Something wrong?
374
00:24:15,896 --> 00:24:17,896
No, something unbelievably right!
375
00:24:18,182 --> 00:24:20,517
My ears want to mate
with this music and have its children.
376
00:24:20,637 --> 00:24:23,228
Tell me, who is this guy, Bernie?
377
00:24:23,267 --> 00:24:24,658
It's a chap called Mozart.
378
00:24:24,815 --> 00:24:26,416
This is my kind of guy!
379
00:24:26,471 --> 00:24:29,486
Incredible!
This new music is great!
380
00:24:29,534 --> 00:24:31,534
That isn't modern music.
This is.
381
00:24:33,018 --> 00:24:34,892
That is fantastic!
382
00:24:34,995 --> 00:24:38,192
Make it with a mango!
Alright!
383
00:24:39,381 --> 00:24:42,221
- Tell me Bernie, what colour is this guy?
- Black.
384
00:24:42,432 --> 00:24:43,721
Thought so.
385
00:24:48,065 --> 00:24:51,705
Ah, girls! Girls!
Enter ye... Enter ye!
386
00:24:55,252 --> 00:24:57,471
Sit ye! Sit ye!
387
00:24:58,416 --> 00:25:00,814
Now, as you probably heard...
388
00:25:00,924 --> 00:25:03,392
Mr Bottle left us yesterday.
389
00:25:03,830 --> 00:25:05,830
And I've been worrying about it.
390
00:25:06,573 --> 00:25:09,135
Do either of you think
I was a little harsh on him?
391
00:25:09,737 --> 00:25:10,603
Well, Sir.
392
00:25:10,723 --> 00:25:13,939
I think perhaps you might have
given him a warning.
393
00:25:14,479 --> 00:25:16,479
Good... good...!
394
00:25:17,268 --> 00:25:18,635
You're fired.
395
00:25:18,924 --> 00:25:20,588
I want you out of here
in two minutes.
396
00:25:20,613 --> 00:25:23,448
You disastrously faded old crone.
397
00:25:24,004 --> 00:25:26,424
Exit ye! Exit ye!
398
00:25:35,073 --> 00:25:36,533
35 years!
399
00:25:37,791 --> 00:25:39,275
Now, Miss Purse...
400
00:25:39,987 --> 00:25:41,353
No pressure.
401
00:25:41,534 --> 00:25:43,534
Just old friends talking.
402
00:25:44,659 --> 00:25:48,322
Just bosom buddies bantering.
403
00:25:49,932 --> 00:25:51,932
Any opinions
on the Bottle scenario?
404
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,494
Inspired move, Sir!
405
00:25:55,448 --> 00:25:56,619
Thank you.
406
00:25:57,057 --> 00:25:59,728
But I have, as I said,
been worrying.
407
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:02,120
Because Bottle had a list
408
00:26:02,596 --> 00:26:04,596
of some other priceless paintings.
409
00:26:05,018 --> 00:26:07,205
And I want it back.
410
00:26:07,721 --> 00:26:10,588
I want you to search his office,
and if it isn't there,
411
00:26:11,041 --> 00:26:13,041
we'll just have to go where he lives,
and steal it.
412
00:26:14,135 --> 00:26:16,978
I shall start looking
immediately, Sir.
413
00:26:17,213 --> 00:26:18,322
Good.
414
00:26:18,541 --> 00:26:21,096
No pressure, you understand.
No pressure.
415
00:26:21,221 --> 00:26:25,674
Although for the moment, I'll just
put your Christmas bonus on hold.
416
00:26:26,495 --> 00:26:27,791
Yes, Sir.
417
00:26:28,143 --> 00:26:30,127
Thank ye.
Thank ye.
418
00:26:31,916 --> 00:26:33,916
Oh, by the way, Miss Purse...
419
00:26:34,354 --> 00:26:37,017
I was joking about
the Christmas bonus.
420
00:26:38,565 --> 00:26:40,565
Oh, thank you, Sir!
421
00:26:41,642 --> 00:26:43,642
You weren't getting one anyway.
422
00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:48,822
Who do you think I am?
Felicity Kendal?
423
00:26:50,205 --> 00:26:52,205
If you want money,
work for it.
424
00:26:52,893 --> 00:26:54,080
I did.
425
00:26:54,370 --> 00:26:57,807
And I won't let any little creep
take it from me.
426
00:27:00,620 --> 00:27:03,971
So I really can have
absolutely anything?!
427
00:27:04,088 --> 00:27:05,135
Yep!
428
00:27:06,858 --> 00:27:11,494
Okay. Well, for a start,
let's brighten up this flat a bit.
429
00:27:20,713 --> 00:27:22,376
Unbelievable!
430
00:27:25,377 --> 00:27:27,557
Okay, I wish I had the Mona Lisa
on that wall.
431
00:27:30,908 --> 00:27:32,524
Oh, my God!
432
00:27:36,041 --> 00:27:37,525
Mmm, cute chick!
433
00:27:37,643 --> 00:27:39,072
Bit of a smudge
around the mouth though.
434
00:27:39,127 --> 00:27:40,486
Here, let me sort that out.
435
00:27:40,534 --> 00:27:42,534
No, best leave it I think.
436
00:27:44,690 --> 00:27:46,627
Unbelievable.
Fantastic.
437
00:27:46,690 --> 00:27:48,690
Bit of a tease though, eh?
438
00:27:48,909 --> 00:27:51,400
I could just stay here all night,
just staring at her.
439
00:27:59,667 --> 00:28:02,267
Oh look, sorry, I'm not being
a very good host, am I?
440
00:28:02,521 --> 00:28:03,986
You'd probably like to take a look round.
441
00:28:04,115 --> 00:28:06,519
- Good idea!
- Yes.
442
00:28:07,034 --> 00:28:09,034
Things have changed quite a lot
in the last 1,000 years.
443
00:28:09,201 --> 00:28:11,201
I'll say! For instance
in my day, this
444
00:28:11,323 --> 00:28:13,323
would've made
an attractive hat.
445
00:28:13,659 --> 00:28:15,025
Look, I'll take you round
town if you like.
446
00:28:15,097 --> 00:28:15,651
Excellent.
447
00:28:17,002 --> 00:28:17,939
Damn!
448
00:28:18,338 --> 00:28:20,338
The only thing is that, after
all that business at work,
449
00:28:20,979 --> 00:28:22,689
I don't actually have
any transport.
450
00:28:29,557 --> 00:28:31,557
Hot spots, here we come!
451
00:28:33,811 --> 00:28:34,938
I think it's fair to say
452
00:28:35,034 --> 00:28:38,494
that the people from Allied Carpets
would be genuinely surprised by this.
453
00:28:38,573 --> 00:28:40,573
The real skill, of course,
is in the landing.
454
00:28:50,144 --> 00:28:52,314
And I think I need
a little more practice.
455
00:28:54,541 --> 00:28:57,755
Look er, before we go any further, I think
we should do something about the clothes.
456
00:28:57,875 --> 00:29:00,172
What? You cannot get hotter
than this!
457
00:29:00,197 --> 00:29:02,095
Chicks see this stuff and die!
458
00:29:02,300 --> 00:29:03,370
Yes, I'm sure.
459
00:29:03,433 --> 00:29:06,135
I just wish we had
the modern equivalent.
460
00:29:06,401 --> 00:29:08,401
Yes, now that's a lot better!
461
00:29:13,500 --> 00:29:15,500
I feel fantastic!
462
00:29:17,610 --> 00:29:21,831
And I look it, too!
You are cute!
463
00:29:26,604 --> 00:29:34,713
Jean Genie, screams and he bawls
Jean Genie, let yourself go.
464
00:29:35,540 --> 00:29:38,805
I must say I don't normally come here,
it's got rather dirty recently.
465
00:29:39,041 --> 00:29:40,345
You call this dirty?
466
00:29:40,439 --> 00:29:43,220
Where I come from, you go out shopping,
you come back with leprosy.
467
00:29:43,338 --> 00:29:45,000
People used to urinate
on their vegetables
468
00:29:45,025 --> 00:29:46,971
to give it that early-morning
dewy fresh look.
469
00:29:47,127 --> 00:29:49,595
This is the cleanest place
I've ever seen in my whole life!
470
00:29:49,775 --> 00:29:51,064
Let's boogie!
471
00:30:22,507 --> 00:30:25,681
Ah, delicious!
I'm glad dog meat is still popular.
472
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:50,478
Get him, Arnie!
473
00:30:50,556 --> 00:30:53,150
He's an alien and he's killing
absolutely everyone!
474
00:30:53,338 --> 00:30:54,798
Get him!
475
00:30:59,189 --> 00:31:01,189
Hasta la vista, baby!
476
00:31:01,455 --> 00:31:03,306
That was unbelievable!
477
00:31:03,385 --> 00:31:04,892
Those people were huge!
478
00:31:04,963 --> 00:31:06,158
Tell me, where do they all live?
479
00:31:06,345 --> 00:31:07,743
Er, most of them are in Los Angeles.
480
00:31:07,782 --> 00:31:08,883
That's the place for me!
481
00:31:08,938 --> 00:31:11,961
That woman's breasts
were 60 feet high!
482
00:31:15,626 --> 00:31:17,266
Which flavour
would you like?
483
00:31:20,532 --> 00:31:21,704
That one!
484
00:31:21,946 --> 00:31:23,040
This is great, Bernie.
485
00:31:23,086 --> 00:31:26,641
In my country there is only one
type of dessert, and it tastes disgusting!
486
00:31:30,963 --> 00:31:32,298
Oh my God!
487
00:31:32,510 --> 00:31:34,822
Take out my eyeballs
and fry them in ginger...!
488
00:31:34,924 --> 00:31:37,267
That is unbelievable!
Here, hold that.
489
00:31:38,939 --> 00:31:41,158
Hey, everybody,
come in here!
490
00:31:41,307 --> 00:31:42,720
This stuff is brilliant!
491
00:31:42,884 --> 00:31:46,040
It's really cold and it tastes
completely of strawberries.
492
00:31:46,147 --> 00:31:48,041
It's wonderful!
493
00:31:48,189 --> 00:31:50,189
People have tried it and it's
nothing special to them anymore.
494
00:31:50,237 --> 00:31:51,697
You're crazy!
495
00:31:51,799 --> 00:31:53,799
I think I'll try a few more flavours.
496
00:31:57,205 --> 00:31:59,689
Bernie, it's great to be here!
497
00:32:09,944 --> 00:32:10,967
Let's go!
498
00:32:14,006 --> 00:32:18,701
The Daily Standard. Daily Standard.
Read all about it. Daily Standard.
499
00:32:23,373 --> 00:32:24,310
How do you feel?
500
00:32:24,327 --> 00:32:26,327
A bit sick actually,
but it's OK.
501
00:32:26,552 --> 00:32:28,442
I haven't had a stomach ache
for 2,000 years.
502
00:32:28,483 --> 00:32:30,483
It's like the return
of an old friend.
503
00:32:31,623 --> 00:32:33,193
Mr Beardy again!
504
00:32:33,327 --> 00:32:35,037
Is he like emperor here,
or something?
505
00:32:35,194 --> 00:32:38,724
No, it's Christmas, which is a kind
of holiday we have at this time of year.
506
00:32:39,006 --> 00:32:41,568
And the chap in the beard
goes round with his flying reindeer.
507
00:32:41,717 --> 00:32:43,842
And then comes down chimneys
and gives children presents.
508
00:32:43,982 --> 00:32:44,989
- Wow!
- Yeah.
509
00:32:45,037 --> 00:32:46,857
And what do you want
for Christmas?
510
00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:51,224
A car, and a train,
and three Nintendos.
511
00:32:51,412 --> 00:32:55,796
Yes, and a pencil's also nice,
isn't it, eh? Yes.
512
00:32:56,662 --> 00:32:59,262
Except, he doesn't, in fact,
come down chimneys.
513
00:32:59,700 --> 00:33:01,700
And it isn't actually him
who gives the presents.
514
00:33:02,364 --> 00:33:04,364
Do the reindeer really fly?
515
00:33:04,755 --> 00:33:06,160
I think not.
516
00:33:06,481 --> 00:33:09,270
Mr Beardy is beginning to sound
a bit like a non-event.
517
00:33:10,731 --> 00:33:13,059
Yeah. Christmas isn't
what it used to be.
518
00:33:13,481 --> 00:33:15,894
Santa smelled funny.
519
00:33:16,544 --> 00:33:18,957
Now it's just the time that kids learn
to live with disappointments.
520
00:33:19,036 --> 00:33:21,348
Speaking of which,
I'm a bit disappointed
521
00:33:21,434 --> 00:33:22,910
that we haven't eaten anything
for a while.
522
00:33:22,997 --> 00:33:25,598
It's been a good ... oh, 20 minutes
since my last full meal.
523
00:33:25,645 --> 00:33:27,645
Your wish is my command.
524
00:33:38,486 --> 00:33:40,574
Well, I've sucked on some
pretty wonderful things, Bernie,
525
00:33:40,614 --> 00:33:42,614
but that takes the biscuit!
526
00:33:43,012 --> 00:33:44,801
You and I are going to be
a wonderful partnership.
527
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:45,785
I can see it now.
528
00:33:45,856 --> 00:33:47,973
But, you know, there's more to me
than fantastic pants.
529
00:33:48,247 --> 00:33:49,863
I'm going to find you a woman!
530
00:33:49,981 --> 00:33:52,129
- Oh no!
- Starting right now!
531
00:33:52,301 --> 00:33:55,707
Okay, now those two over there
are definitely out.
532
00:33:56,067 --> 00:33:57,246
Bit wrinkly.
533
00:33:57,637 --> 00:33:58,559
And she...!
534
00:33:58,731 --> 00:34:00,637
She's pretty cute.
Okay, she's a bit older than you,
535
00:34:00,762 --> 00:34:02,684
but if she shakes her booty
the way she shakes her milk...
536
00:34:05,661 --> 00:34:07,090
On the other hand.
537
00:34:07,262 --> 00:34:08,496
Oh no, please!
538
00:34:08,606 --> 00:34:10,035
Ah, you like the look of her?
539
00:34:10,122 --> 00:34:11,574
- Well...
- Leave it to me.
540
00:34:11,669 --> 00:34:14,145
I'm pretty experienced
at this kind of thing.
541
00:34:17,098 --> 00:34:19,098
Oh, thank God it's near closing time.
542
00:34:19,144 --> 00:34:20,847
We're runnin' out of pencils.
543
00:34:24,340 --> 00:34:25,699
Good evening.
544
00:34:25,887 --> 00:34:27,074
Oh, hello!
545
00:34:27,254 --> 00:34:29,582
- Great hair!
- Thank you very much.
546
00:34:29,707 --> 00:34:32,168
Myself and my friend,
with the very unfortunate hair,
547
00:34:32,278 --> 00:34:34,582
but he's very fertile,
and has a large inheritance,
548
00:34:35,403 --> 00:34:38,113
couldn't help noticing the splendid work
you were doing with the children.
549
00:34:38,184 --> 00:34:39,106
Oh, thanks.
550
00:34:39,293 --> 00:34:40,402
Ay tell (**), actually.
551
00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:41,785
Santa drinks like a fish,
552
00:34:41,856 --> 00:34:43,645
and these hot pants were
tailor-made for Bonnie Langford.
553
00:34:44,449 --> 00:34:45,184
Indeed!
554
00:34:45,278 --> 00:34:47,168
Would you care to join us
for a shake of milk?
555
00:34:47,207 --> 00:34:49,324
Or perhaps you'd like me
to organise something more formal
556
00:34:49,411 --> 00:34:50,926
where your parents
were involved?
557
00:34:51,489 --> 00:34:54,285
No, I'll just have a cup of coffee,
and fly.
558
00:34:54,386 --> 00:34:56,268
What a coincidence,
We're flying, too!
559
00:34:56,301 --> 00:34:57,363
- Is that right?!
- Yes!
560
00:34:58,590 --> 00:35:00,051
Could you hang on
for just one second, please?
561
00:35:00,090 --> 00:35:01,645
- Certainly.
- Thank you.
562
00:35:02,075 --> 00:35:04,090
Actually, you'd better
make that two coffees.
563
00:35:04,161 --> 00:35:06,161
Santa keeps on dozing off
over the children.
564
00:35:06,887 --> 00:35:08,285
It's going very well.
565
00:35:08,419 --> 00:35:09,582
She says her pants are hot.
566
00:35:09,622 --> 00:35:11,621
She wants your body
and she wants it now!
567
00:35:11,684 --> 00:35:12,918
- She does not!
- She does!
568
00:35:13,020 --> 00:35:15,309
A little more negotiation,
and the match will be made.
569
00:35:15,421 --> 00:35:18,439
Depending of course on proof of
child-bearing capability. - Oh God!
570
00:35:18,559 --> 00:35:20,418
So is that your
flying carpet, then?
571
00:35:20,458 --> 00:35:21,879
Yes, it is.
Would you fancy a ride?
572
00:35:21,934 --> 00:35:22,652
Oh no...!
573
00:35:22,872 --> 00:35:25,957
The reindeer can get very jealous
if I use alternative means of transport.
574
00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:31,668
Very amusing! Now, down to business.
575
00:35:31,707 --> 00:35:34,449
Obviously the question of the dowry
rears its ugly head.
576
00:35:34,997 --> 00:35:36,848
I'm sorry, he's not
from round here.
577
00:35:36,887 --> 00:35:38,887
No, I sort of guessed that.
578
00:35:39,353 --> 00:35:41,074
I think your hair's quite nice.
579
00:35:41,294 --> 00:35:42,098
'Bye.
580
00:35:48,130 --> 00:35:50,348
It's a dead cert!
I can see it now.
581
00:35:50,817 --> 00:35:52,574
The loving relatives, the priest.
582
00:35:52,622 --> 00:35:54,622
The staggeringly attractive best man.
583
00:35:54,747 --> 00:35:56,910
The shagged-out bridesmaids.
584
00:35:57,371 --> 00:36:00,316
No. Somebody like that
would never fancy me.
585
00:36:00,394 --> 00:36:01,371
Course she would.
586
00:36:01,426 --> 00:36:03,824
All we have to do is...
sex you up a bit.
587
00:36:03,950 --> 00:36:05,012
Like how?
588
00:36:05,106 --> 00:36:07,473
Well, if you don�t mind my saying so,
Bernie, you are a bit neat.
589
00:36:07,598 --> 00:36:09,051
What you need
is that rough look.
590
00:36:09,153 --> 00:36:11,434
You need to be giving
that sexy unshaven thing.
591
00:36:12,458 --> 00:36:14,027
You mean scruffy?
592
00:36:14,497 --> 00:36:15,895
Scruffy can be sexy.
593
00:36:16,184 --> 00:36:18,762
Okay... I wish I looked
like Bob Geldof.
594
00:36:18,918 --> 00:36:20,902
Oh my God!
595
00:36:20,981 --> 00:36:23,379
What do you think...
a certain rugged charm?
596
00:36:23,442 --> 00:36:24,660
Might be one way
of putting it...
597
00:36:24,669 --> 00:36:26,387
A total blooming mess
might be another.
598
00:36:26,412 --> 00:36:27,935
Don't be so damn cheeky!
599
00:36:28,152 --> 00:36:29,472
Is that Mick Jagger?
600
00:36:29,584 --> 00:36:31,584
Oh, Bernie...
I liked you the way you were.
601
00:36:32,137 --> 00:36:33,465
Let's have a look...
602
00:36:33,669 --> 00:36:35,215
Bloody hell, you're right!
603
00:36:35,364 --> 00:36:37,082
This voice is gettin' on my nerves
as well.
604
00:36:37,122 --> 00:36:38,442
I wish I was me again.
605
00:36:40,809 --> 00:36:43,043
Mr Cute! Ah, that's my boy!
606
00:36:43,145 --> 00:36:45,629
Welcome back!
What's next?
607
00:36:45,864 --> 00:36:48,902
Well er, I thought we could go back home
and check out Mona.
608
00:36:49,833 --> 00:36:51,067
Brilliant idea!
609
00:36:51,176 --> 00:36:53,348
Although, I have an even
more brilliant one.
610
00:36:53,419 --> 00:36:55,121
Why don't you go home
and check out Mona,
611
00:36:55,169 --> 00:36:57,785
and I'll go and check out
those 60-foot breasts again.
612
00:36:59,067 --> 00:37:00,895
Are you sure you'll be alright
without me?
613
00:37:00,965 --> 00:37:03,660
Of course. More importantly,
will you be alright without me?
614
00:37:03,809 --> 00:37:05,582
Oh yes. I've cheered up distinctly.
615
00:37:05,702 --> 00:37:08,668
Good! Happy days are here again.
616
00:38:10,050 --> 00:38:11,094
Sorry!
617
00:38:14,543 --> 00:38:16,370
We'll take that,
if you don't mind.
618
00:38:16,746 --> 00:38:19,737
We don't want anyone else
brutally assaulted, do we?
619
00:38:21,500 --> 00:38:23,284
Send for some assistance, Alan.
620
00:38:24,918 --> 00:38:26,487
Can I ask you why you're here?
621
00:38:26,582 --> 00:38:28,175
Is there something wrong?
622
00:38:28,324 --> 00:38:31,558
Yes, well, as a matter of fact,
there is, Mr Bottle.
623
00:38:31,675 --> 00:38:33,675
You're about to be accused of...
624
00:38:35,472 --> 00:38:37,472
Grand theft.
625
00:38:38,472 --> 00:38:39,886
Hello, Sir.
626
00:38:40,332 --> 00:38:41,784
What are you doing here?
627
00:38:42,363 --> 00:38:46,402
Well, I just thought I'd pop round
for a little Christmas drinkie
628
00:38:46,535 --> 00:38:48,097
with my old pal, Bernie.
629
00:38:48,324 --> 00:38:50,589
And I discover this list
630
00:38:51,027 --> 00:38:54,269
of priceless paintings,
that you stole from our office.
631
00:38:54,855 --> 00:38:58,855
Then, I happened to inspect the walls,
and discovered
632
00:38:59,207 --> 00:39:00,620
this dear lady.
633
00:39:02,237 --> 00:39:04,292
Do you recognise that picture,
Mr Bottle?
634
00:39:04,347 --> 00:39:05,941
Oh, yes, of course I do, it...
635
00:39:06,129 --> 00:39:08,636
It was stolen from the Louvre,
earlier today.
636
00:39:09,238 --> 00:39:11,941
It is a magnificent work,
isn't it?
637
00:39:12,449 --> 00:39:16,464
No matter how much time passes,
one can never quite get over the wonder
638
00:39:17,011 --> 00:39:18,511
of that smile.
639
00:39:18,722 --> 00:39:21,347
And somehow, it seems
to have made its way here.
640
00:39:21,418 --> 00:39:23,183
Yes, well I think
I can explain that.
641
00:39:23,355 --> 00:39:24,753
- Yes?
- Yes?
642
00:39:25,105 --> 00:39:25,995
Yes?
643
00:39:26,433 --> 00:39:27,378
Yes.
644
00:39:27,566 --> 00:39:29,558
Well, you see the thing is,
645
00:39:30,215 --> 00:39:31,823
there's this lamp...
646
00:39:36,058 --> 00:39:38,534
Er well, on second thoughts,
I think I can't explain it.
647
00:39:40,219 --> 00:39:41,902
I wish it wasn't here.
648
00:39:47,260 --> 00:39:48,972
I wish it wasn't here.
649
00:39:53,644 --> 00:39:54,777
Good shot, Robin!
650
00:39:54,855 --> 00:39:56,331
I wish it wasn't here.
651
00:39:57,647 --> 00:39:59,066
Well, I'm afraid it is.
652
00:39:59,455 --> 00:40:01,003
You're coming with us.
653
00:40:03,932 --> 00:40:06,152
Excuse me if I don't
keep you company, gentlemen.
654
00:40:06,355 --> 00:40:07,792
Christmas bash
at Number 10.
655
00:40:08,159 --> 00:40:11,674
Don't want to keep poor Johnny
and dear Norma waiting.
656
00:40:12,488 --> 00:40:14,011
As for you...
657
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:15,769
What can I say, Bottle?
658
00:40:16,019 --> 00:40:17,839
God rest ye merry.
659
00:40:18,449 --> 00:40:19,624
God rest ye.
660
00:40:19,744 --> 00:40:24,827
I don't mean to be cruel
Don't mean to be rude.
661
00:40:24,947 --> 00:40:31,980
But Mr. Success is Mr. Totally Screwed
Life can be tough
662
00:40:32,100 --> 00:40:39,269
Life can be unfair
He's off to meet Mr. Electric Chair.
663
00:40:39,503 --> 00:40:40,878
Don't you worry, Sir...
664
00:40:41,011 --> 00:40:44,480
I was once arrested for murder,
and sentenced to death by hanging.
665
00:40:45,097 --> 00:40:46,612
- Is that right, Kepple?
- Oh, yes...
666
00:40:47,004 --> 00:40:49,004
We tried to appeal,
but the High Court threw it out.
667
00:40:49,401 --> 00:40:50,963
I was caught red-handed,
you see, Sir.
668
00:40:51,058 --> 00:40:52,799
Smoking gun
in the victim's mouth.
669
00:40:53,174 --> 00:40:55,378
So there I was.
Noose round the neck.
670
00:40:55,566 --> 00:40:57,870
Padre in attendance.
Mother in tears.
671
00:40:58,017 --> 00:40:59,728
No hope in sight.
672
00:41:05,808 --> 00:41:06,737
And?
673
00:41:06,777 --> 00:41:08,495
Oh, it all turned out alright
in the end, Sir.
674
00:41:09,018 --> 00:41:14,328
- Just a few of the lads, larkin' about.
- Thank you, Kepple.
675
00:41:26,458 --> 00:41:27,707
Pigs!
676
00:41:43,778 --> 00:41:45,114
Tie.
677
00:41:46,005 --> 00:41:47,418
Name?
678
00:41:47,592 --> 00:41:49,443
Bottle, Bernard.
679
00:41:51,213 --> 00:41:52,957
- Crime?
- Grand theft.
680
00:41:52,983 --> 00:41:54,935
And murder of a police officer.
681
00:41:56,798 --> 00:41:59,068
- Really?
- Yes!
682
00:41:59,850 --> 00:42:01,716
I wonder if he's guilty.
683
00:42:01,818 --> 00:42:02,873
It's a tricky one...
684
00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:05,177
The Mona Lisa
hanging in his front room.
685
00:42:05,279 --> 00:42:08,545
And three witnesses who saw him
clubbing his victim to death.
686
00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:10,755
Do you know something, Alan,
you're right.
687
00:42:11,467 --> 00:42:14,693
It's one of those ones juries
really agonise over.
688
00:42:21,997 --> 00:42:24,826
All said and done,
not a good day.
689
00:42:28,177 --> 00:42:30,068
You can make one phone call.
690
00:42:30,225 --> 00:42:31,651
Might I recommend a priest?
691
00:42:31,810 --> 00:42:33,576
Either that or a publisher.
692
00:42:33,834 --> 00:42:37,240
I believe tales from Death Row
are always big sellers.
693
00:42:44,627 --> 00:42:46,609
Please be in. Please be in.
694
00:42:46,610 --> 00:42:54,838
And the answer to all my dreams
You're my...
695
00:43:39,897 --> 00:43:42,181
Josephus? Josephus?
696
00:43:44,358 --> 00:43:45,435
Hello?
697
00:44:05,967 --> 00:44:08,326
We're dealing with
highly-trained villains, Sir.
698
00:44:08,584 --> 00:44:10,443
The first five times,
there's no reply.
699
00:44:10,529 --> 00:44:13,341
Then twice, the phone's picked up,
but put down straight away.
700
00:44:13,678 --> 00:44:15,084
Textbook stuff.
701
00:44:15,123 --> 00:44:16,606
Brilliant work, Parker.
702
00:44:17,139 --> 00:44:19,560
Obviously the accomplice
has returned to the flat.
703
00:44:20,045 --> 00:44:22,045
We've got them by
the short and painfuls.
704
00:44:22,410 --> 00:44:24,904
- They're doomed, Parker.
- Doomed, Sir!
705
00:44:25,201 --> 00:44:26,443
Doomed!
706
00:44:32,414 --> 00:44:34,999
He said "Well, when we have
done, ours is 3 pound".
707
00:44:37,318 --> 00:44:38,810
I'll come back
when you have none.
708
00:44:38,936 --> 00:44:41,357
"Fair enough,
I'll come back when you have none."
709
00:44:43,248 --> 00:44:45,248
No gags like the old gags,
eh Frankie?
710
00:44:46,610 --> 00:44:47,779
Hi guys, can I help?
711
00:44:47,818 --> 00:44:49,373
We'd like you to come with us,
sunshine!
712
00:44:49,493 --> 00:44:52,982
Certainly. You know,
he is really tiny but very funny.
713
00:44:53,100 --> 00:44:55,022
Love the uniform, kinky!
714
00:44:56,295 --> 00:44:57,241
Spread 'em!
715
00:44:57,361 --> 00:45:00,193
Mmm, I was right, very kinky!
716
00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:03,670
Don't try and be funny.
717
00:45:03,795 --> 00:45:05,420
Mmm, tasty!
718
00:45:06,794 --> 00:45:08,052
Thank you for the bracelet,
719
00:45:08,150 --> 00:45:10,677
but do you think
it goes with the pendant?
720
00:45:11,373 --> 00:45:12,373
Name?
721
00:45:12,638 --> 00:45:14,294
May I just say
before I answer that
722
00:45:14,334 --> 00:45:16,130
that is an absolutely
splendid beard.
723
00:45:16,209 --> 00:45:19,146
Although it might be more useful
if you wore it on top of your head.
724
00:45:19,358 --> 00:45:21,358
Just ignore him, he's a smart-arse.
725
00:45:21,537 --> 00:45:23,537
- Name?
- Josephus.
726
00:45:36,100 --> 00:45:38,584
Get in there.
Smart-arse!
727
00:45:39,170 --> 00:45:41,240
Anything you say,
smart-uniform.
728
00:45:41,505 --> 00:45:45,606
Bernie, my oldest, dearest pal,
where have you been? - Here.
729
00:45:46,451 --> 00:45:49,786
Funny choice. Still it
does have a certain kooky charm.
730
00:45:50,092 --> 00:45:52,498
Colourful toilet...
And those guys out there are fun.
731
00:45:52,576 --> 00:45:54,576
It's not a choice.
We are in real trouble.
732
00:45:55,139 --> 00:45:57,990
I could spend the rest of my life
in prison, you know. It's no joke.
733
00:45:58,756 --> 00:45:59,943
It's no joke?
734
00:46:00,154 --> 00:46:01,521
Not amusing?
735
00:46:05,123 --> 00:46:06,646
What happened?
736
00:46:07,045 --> 00:46:09,045
God, it's too depressing to explain.
737
00:46:10,795 --> 00:46:12,795
Even with a genie,
I'm a disaster.
738
00:46:15,983 --> 00:46:19,623
When I got home last night, they
arrested me for nicking the Mona Lisa.
739
00:46:21,795 --> 00:46:25,443
The only girlfriend I'll ever get now
will be 6 foot 2, with a full beard.
740
00:46:25,794 --> 00:46:28,372
- Sounds OK to me.
- Oh come on, be serious!
741
00:46:29,748 --> 00:46:31,748
I killed a policeman!
742
00:46:34,404 --> 00:46:36,123
God, poor bastard!
743
00:46:37,404 --> 00:46:39,076
And his family.
744
00:46:39,897 --> 00:46:42,404
I mean, he leaves home at 9am
in a Panda car,
745
00:46:42,565 --> 00:46:44,560
comes back home at midnight
in a plastic bag,
746
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:47,435
murdered by an ex art-dealer,
with a scimitar.
747
00:46:48,459 --> 00:46:49,763
Oh dear!
748
00:46:50,373 --> 00:46:51,959
If only I'd been there.
749
00:46:53,428 --> 00:46:54,646
I wish you had.
750
00:47:04,854 --> 00:47:07,388
- You can do that?
- For you... anything!
751
00:47:12,810 --> 00:47:15,404
Ah, good evening, officers!
752
00:47:15,631 --> 00:47:17,631
Good evening, Mr Bottle.
753
00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:21,474
Sorry, is there something wrong?
754
00:47:21,498 --> 00:47:24,302
Yes, well, as a matter of fact
there is, Mr Bottle.
755
00:47:24,514 --> 00:47:26,693
You're just about
to be accused of...
756
00:47:28,412 --> 00:47:30,263
Grand theft.
757
00:47:30,779 --> 00:47:32,779
Hello, Sir.
What are you doing here?
758
00:47:32,899 --> 00:47:37,615
Well, I just thought I'd pop around and have
a little drinkie with my old pal, Bernie.
759
00:47:37,928 --> 00:47:40,420
And I discover this list
760
00:47:40,686 --> 00:47:44,013
of priceless paintings,
that you stole from our office.
761
00:47:44,248 --> 00:47:46,670
Then I happened
to inspect the walls,
762
00:47:46,885 --> 00:47:49,670
and discovered this dear lady.
763
00:47:49,834 --> 00:47:52,545
Oh yes, Kylie,
my absolute favourite.
764
00:47:52,639 --> 00:47:54,435
Wait a minute.
What's going on here?
765
00:47:54,654 --> 00:47:56,201
You told us it was the Mona Lisa.
766
00:47:56,256 --> 00:47:58,256
Well yes, it was the Mona Lisa!
767
00:47:58,381 --> 00:47:59,560
I like this chick better.
768
00:47:59,631 --> 00:48:01,505
Yes, it's a fabulous work.
769
00:48:01,592 --> 00:48:03,223
And no matter how much time passes,
770
00:48:03,310 --> 00:48:06,185
one still can't quite get over
the wonder of that smile.
771
00:48:08,928 --> 00:48:10,170
Hello?
772
00:48:10,303 --> 00:48:11,982
Oh, so that's what it's for!
773
00:48:12,358 --> 00:48:13,466
What?!
774
00:48:18,098 --> 00:48:19,849
Apparently the painting
has been returned.
775
00:48:19,943 --> 00:48:21,498
What do you mean returned?
776
00:48:21,701 --> 00:48:23,404
It's back in the Louvre.
777
00:48:24,225 --> 00:48:25,935
I think we owe these people
an apology.
778
00:48:26,725 --> 00:48:29,060
Mr Bottle, and er, Mr er...
779
00:48:29,201 --> 00:48:30,568
Smart-arse.
780
00:48:30,966 --> 00:48:33,060
Yes... um...
781
00:48:33,271 --> 00:48:35,904
Sorry to disturb you, Mr Smart-arse...
782
00:48:36,912 --> 00:48:38,779
We'll be off, now.
783
00:48:39,209 --> 00:48:41,482
Thank God for that! I can't think of
anything we'd like to do less
784
00:48:41,529 --> 00:48:43,545
than hang around
with scum like you.
785
00:48:45,483 --> 00:48:47,099
Come again, sunshine?
786
00:48:47,342 --> 00:48:49,709
Yes, you are obviously a slimebag
787
00:48:49,818 --> 00:48:52,248
and living proof that man is
directly related to the slug.
788
00:48:52,529 --> 00:48:54,849
And your face looked familiar
when I first saw it,
789
00:48:54,897 --> 00:48:56,880
and now I remember seeing
something very similar
790
00:48:56,990 --> 00:48:59,037
whilst washing down
the hindquarters of a camel.
791
00:48:59,139 --> 00:49:00,185
You what?!
792
00:49:00,483 --> 00:49:04,623
And you are a very large turd
in a horrible pink shirt.
793
00:49:04,732 --> 00:49:07,326
I beg your bloody pardon?
794
00:49:10,514 --> 00:49:13,357
Do you wish I'd never said
any of that?
795
00:49:13,975 --> 00:49:15,435
Yes, I do.
796
00:49:17,326 --> 00:49:19,826
Well, goodbye gentlemen.
It's nice to meet you.
797
00:49:19,873 --> 00:49:21,599
You're an honour to the Force,
the pair of you!
798
00:49:21,662 --> 00:49:22,834
Thanks guv'nor!
799
00:49:23,654 --> 00:49:25,787
- And er, merry Christmas!
- Happy new year!
800
00:49:25,889 --> 00:49:27,373
'Bye!
801
00:49:28,045 --> 00:49:29,740
Oh, and I'm so thrilled
you're still alive.
802
00:49:29,810 --> 00:49:31,623
I'm so pleased
I didn't kill you!
803
00:49:32,670 --> 00:49:34,084
Yes. Right.
804
00:49:34,725 --> 00:49:36,725
Goodbye, Sir.
Lovely shirt.
805
00:49:37,006 --> 00:49:39,006
Although I do wish you hadn't
taken that list.
806
00:49:41,001 --> 00:49:42,818
But do pop round
for a drink anytime...
807
00:49:42,959 --> 00:49:44,959
And er, give the PM one for me!
808
00:49:45,524 --> 00:49:47,849
Certainly. Thank you, Bottle.
809
00:49:48,303 --> 00:49:49,178
Thank you, Sir.
810
00:49:49,357 --> 00:49:50,327
Bye, flower.
811
00:49:59,834 --> 00:50:03,677
- My friend! - I suspect it's going
to be a very merry Christmas!
812
00:50:05,735 --> 00:50:09,652
Are you hanging up your
stocking on the wall?
813
00:50:09,772 --> 00:50:11,863
- Have you seen my toothbrush?
- No.
814
00:50:13,150 --> 00:50:22,816
It's the time that every Santa has a ball
Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer?
815
00:50:22,936 --> 00:50:24,716
I put this in the water, yes?
816
00:50:24,983 --> 00:50:26,857
Yes, not too much though.
817
00:50:27,032 --> 00:50:28,318
How much is too much?
818
00:50:28,438 --> 00:50:30,920
Well er, just put in a drop.
819
00:50:33,815 --> 00:50:40,577
So here it is, Merry Christmas
Everybody's having fun
820
00:50:40,697 --> 00:50:42,123
I think it's too late.
821
00:50:42,359 --> 00:50:52,404
Look to the future now
It's only just begun
822
00:50:52,676 --> 00:50:58,165
Are you waiting for the family to arrive?
823
00:50:59,862 --> 00:51:05,573
Are you sure you've got the room to spare inside?
824
00:51:06,963 --> 00:51:13,727
Does your Granny always tell you
That the old songs are the best?
825
00:51:13,847 --> 00:51:19,656
And she's up and
rock'n'rolling with the rest.
826
00:51:20,269 --> 00:51:28,109
So here it is, Merry Christmas
Everybody's having fun
827
00:51:28,688 --> 00:51:38,845
Look to the future now
It's only just begun.
828
00:51:39,451 --> 00:51:46,479
What will your Daddy do when he sees
your Mother kissing Santa Claus?
829
00:51:49,777 --> 00:51:57,839
So here it is, Merry Christmas
Everybody's having fun
830
00:51:58,221 --> 00:52:04,410
Look to the future now
It's only just begun.
831
00:52:04,530 --> 00:52:06,358
- Ready?
- Yeah. Let's rock!
832
00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:18,911
Peace on Earth and mercy mild
God and sinners reconciled
833
00:52:19,217 --> 00:52:21,772
So, tell me about this Christmas thing.
834
00:52:21,967 --> 00:52:24,678
Well, it's become a very big
commercial thing in recent times.
835
00:52:24,756 --> 00:52:26,803
Oh, I like commercial...
I like commercials!
836
00:52:27,014 --> 00:52:29,045
"Fly Fishing"
by J.R.Hartley.
837
00:52:29,147 --> 00:52:30,303
Yeah, but originally
838
00:52:30,343 --> 00:52:33,311
it was supposed to celebrate the birth
of this chap called Jesus Christ.
839
00:52:33,530 --> 00:52:36,498
Who was born, well, about 2,000 years ago.
840
00:52:36,554 --> 00:52:38,639
- Jesus you say?
- Yeah.
841
00:52:39,350 --> 00:52:40,881
But I knew this guy!
842
00:52:41,998 --> 00:52:42,854
You did not!
843
00:52:42,879 --> 00:52:44,975
I did! What did he do
to get so famous?
844
00:52:45,046 --> 00:52:46,569
Well he turned out to be
the Son of God.
845
00:52:46,655 --> 00:52:48,194
No! I thought
he was kidding!
846
00:52:48,343 --> 00:52:49,725
No... true blue.
847
00:52:52,780 --> 00:52:55,178
Dammit! I knew there was
something special about him
848
00:52:55,257 --> 00:52:56,873
from the moment
I first met him.
849
00:52:56,897 --> 00:52:57,803
You met him?
850
00:52:57,889 --> 00:52:59,889
Of course. He helped out with the wine
at my brother's wedding.
851
00:53:04,389 --> 00:53:05,819
Wait a minute, so...
852
00:53:06,202 --> 00:53:07,772
You were at the wedding at Cana?
853
00:53:07,819 --> 00:53:08,770
Well, I think so,
854
00:53:08,795 --> 00:53:11,685
though by the end of it, I was so
completely legless, I can't be sure.
855
00:53:12,795 --> 00:53:14,858
This is so bizarre.
I told him,
856
00:53:14,975 --> 00:53:16,514
"You could be
a big money-spinner."
857
00:53:16,593 --> 00:53:19,069
But oh no, Goodie Two-shoes
was having none of it.
858
00:53:19,389 --> 00:53:21,303
One night, we're on the boat...
859
00:53:21,374 --> 00:53:22,936
He walks on water!
860
00:53:24,280 --> 00:53:25,451
You were there?
861
00:53:27,371 --> 00:53:30,069
One day, 5,000 people
came out to see him talk.
862
00:53:30,194 --> 00:53:31,413
And they didn't have any food.
863
00:53:31,475 --> 00:53:32,553
So, guess what he did?
864
00:53:32,639 --> 00:53:34,553
He produced loaves and fishes
for them all.
865
00:53:34,632 --> 00:53:37,741
Yes. I said "Let's open
a restaurant right now."
866
00:53:37,835 --> 00:53:39,835
We'll call it
Something Fishy.
867
00:53:39,975 --> 00:53:41,717
But he didn't like the name.
868
00:53:41,944 --> 00:53:43,889
Anyway, happy birthday,
Big J.
869
00:53:43,967 --> 00:53:46,428
A crap businessman,
but a great human being.
870
00:53:46,983 --> 00:53:48,717
- To Big J!
- Big J!
871
00:53:51,452 --> 00:53:53,084
So tell me,
what happened to him?
872
00:53:53,710 --> 00:53:55,162
Well, he was crucified.
873
00:53:56,843 --> 00:53:58,006
No. You're kidding!
874
00:53:58,405 --> 00:53:59,608
Afraid not.
875
00:54:00,249 --> 00:54:01,889
Wow... There's no need for that!
876
00:54:03,155 --> 00:54:04,912
This was a wonderful guy.
877
00:54:06,692 --> 00:54:08,692
But being the son of God,
he came back to life again.
878
00:54:08,811 --> 00:54:10,553
Oh great!
Is he still alive?
879
00:54:10,725 --> 00:54:13,514
Not really, no. You see,
he rose up into heaven.
880
00:54:13,647 --> 00:54:14,725
Lucky for you.
881
00:54:14,757 --> 00:54:17,545
Jesus was not keen on people
making money out of religion.
882
00:54:17,929 --> 00:54:20,780
One day I was in the temple when
they tried to turn it into a supermarket.
883
00:54:20,983 --> 00:54:22,983
Jesus went in there,
and kicked arse!
884
00:54:23,421 --> 00:54:25,069
Like Arnold Schwarzenegger?
885
00:54:25,163 --> 00:54:26,975
Yes, but with smaller pectorals.
886
00:54:27,624 --> 00:54:31,092
Yes, well unfortunately it seems
the big money people are taking over.
887
00:54:31,327 --> 00:54:33,662
Hmmm, well it's time for the
no-money people to strike back.
888
00:54:33,725 --> 00:54:36,006
Let's make some wishes for Big J,
his way!
889
00:54:36,077 --> 00:54:37,457
You're the boss...
Let's do it!
890
00:54:53,461 --> 00:55:00,224
When the snowman brings the snow
Well he just might like to know
891
00:55:00,344 --> 00:55:02,440
He's put a great big smile
on somebody's face
892
00:55:02,560 --> 00:55:03,693
Thank you!
893
00:55:04,494 --> 00:55:05,725
Do you have a ticket?
894
00:55:33,998 --> 00:55:35,380
Look, Mummy!
895
00:55:51,107 --> 00:55:52,950
Look, Mummy...
Look what I've got!
896
00:55:53,100 --> 00:55:54,552
Mummy, look!
897
00:55:55,240 --> 00:55:56,427
Merry Christmas!
898
00:55:56,615 --> 00:55:58,036
Oh, you too!
899
00:55:59,622 --> 00:56:01,981
What about you?
D'you fancy him as well?
900
00:56:06,013 --> 00:56:07,465
Is that for me?
901
00:56:11,921 --> 00:56:13,356
So, what did you wish for?
902
00:56:18,336 --> 00:56:19,841
What was that?
903
00:56:19,945 --> 00:56:21,405
Don't worry, Bernie,
it was just a warning.
904
00:56:21,445 --> 00:56:24,210
Now, what about you?
What would you like for Christmas?
905
00:56:24,429 --> 00:56:26,632
Well, I have had one or two
little thoughts.
906
00:56:26,664 --> 00:56:28,163
Ah. Good!
907
00:56:28,664 --> 00:56:31,601
Littlewoods have announced
their largest-ever pools winner.
908
00:56:31,952 --> 00:56:35,937
Mr Frank Kepple, a doorman in Wandsworth,
has won 3 million pounds.
909
00:56:38,507 --> 00:56:41,218
Today he said it won't change his life.
910
00:56:41,336 --> 00:56:45,288
No, you see, this is in fact the 4th time
I have won the 3 million pound prize.
911
00:56:45,453 --> 00:56:47,819
No, I don't believe it!
912
00:56:51,148 --> 00:56:52,827
Oh dear, the lift has stuck.
913
00:56:53,359 --> 00:56:55,061
It's never done that before.
914
00:56:56,211 --> 00:56:59,312
And in Battersea tonight,
the cracking of a major drugs ring.
915
00:56:59,734 --> 00:57:01,616
Kevin Bell, the City financier,
916
00:57:01,687 --> 00:57:05,257
was found with 30 pounds
of marijuana, stored under his bed.
917
00:57:05,492 --> 00:57:07,492
Look, it's a plant!
918
00:57:07,694 --> 00:57:10,326
I think you'll find
it's 100 plants, actually.
919
00:57:10,351 --> 00:57:11,405
More like 1,000.
920
00:57:11,437 --> 00:57:14,093
Well, if it was all there,
why didn't he ever give me any?
921
00:57:14,343 --> 00:57:15,162
Tragic!
922
00:57:15,226 --> 00:57:17,187
- Really terrible.
- And they look such a nice couple.
923
00:57:18,117 --> 00:57:20,468
And finally, a charming
Christmas story.
924
00:57:20,624 --> 00:57:24,124
This evening the Queen received
an unexpected letter at Buckingham Palace.
925
00:57:24,422 --> 00:57:27,429
It included a cheque
from arts dealer Charles Pinkworth,
926
00:57:27,632 --> 00:57:30,905
donating 100 million pounds
to Christmas charities.
927
00:57:31,164 --> 00:57:34,921
We went down to the house,
where a grateful crowd has gathered.
928
00:57:35,070 --> 00:57:38,437
For he's a jolly good fellow...
929
00:57:38,617 --> 00:57:40,468
And so say all of us!
930
00:57:40,515 --> 00:57:42,366
Mr Charles Pinkworth?
931
00:57:42,515 --> 00:57:43,319
Yes?
932
00:57:43,359 --> 00:57:46,859
What made you make
this extraordinarily generous gesture?
933
00:57:47,281 --> 00:57:48,226
What gesture?
934
00:57:48,234 --> 00:57:50,234
100 million pounds!
935
00:57:50,375 --> 00:57:53,132
The 100 million pound cheque
to the Queen.
936
00:57:53,898 --> 00:57:55,241
Repeat ye?
937
00:57:55,297 --> 00:58:00,562
Buckingham Palace apparently has received
a 100 million pound charity cheque from you.
938
00:58:02,529 --> 00:58:05,491
You've become a national hero,
because of your generosity.
939
00:58:06,242 --> 00:58:07,069
Have I?
940
00:58:07,109 --> 00:58:09,421
A knighthood is surely
on its way.
941
00:58:09,547 --> 00:58:11,241
I wish it wasn't on its way.
942
00:58:11,361 --> 00:58:14,241
- Is it?
- No, no, apparently it's not.
943
00:58:15,372 --> 00:58:18,054
But please tell the nation
what your motives were.
944
00:58:18,140 --> 00:58:19,718
50 million people
want to know.
945
00:58:20,938 --> 00:58:22,030
Yes.
946
00:58:23,007 --> 00:58:23,968
Well...
947
00:58:24,351 --> 00:58:27,593
Christmas is very much
a time for giving.
948
00:58:27,742 --> 00:58:32,741
And I thought it was about time
that somebody from the commercial sector
949
00:58:33,359 --> 00:58:35,952
put their money
where their mouth was,
950
00:58:36,273 --> 00:58:39,835
and gave their entire fortune away
951
00:58:40,234 --> 00:58:41,343
to the needy.
952
00:58:42,233 --> 00:58:44,866
A fortune for which he has worked
953
00:58:45,374 --> 00:58:47,109
for 25
954
00:58:47,725 --> 00:58:49,335
bloody
955
00:58:50,208 --> 00:58:51,257
years.
956
00:59:03,086 --> 00:59:05,405
For he's a jolly good fellow...
957
00:59:05,797 --> 00:59:07,797
And so say all of us!
958
00:59:10,734 --> 00:59:12,734
And what a wonderful story that is.
959
00:59:12,859 --> 00:59:14,234
Now, the Christmas weather.
960
00:59:14,281 --> 00:59:16,515
And for the first time
in 15 years,
961
00:59:16,804 --> 00:59:18,804
deep, deep snow.
962
00:59:19,413 --> 00:59:22,804
From all of us here, goodbye,
and a very merry Christmas.
963
00:59:27,343 --> 00:59:28,913
Well, that's it then, isn't it?
964
00:59:28,968 --> 00:59:30,523
Er, not quite.
965
00:59:33,036 --> 00:59:35,153
Excuse me please. Thank you.
966
00:59:41,219 --> 00:59:43,210
Ah... snack time!
967
00:59:44,140 --> 00:59:45,671
A little light refreshment!
968
00:59:49,487 --> 00:59:52,576
So, what do you want
for Christmas, Josephus?
969
00:59:52,696 --> 00:59:56,039
Oh, new pair of pants...
Whatever you like.
970
00:59:56,180 --> 00:59:57,851
Chicken tandoori
flavoured toothpaste.
971
00:59:57,930 --> 00:59:59,648
No, come on... you know...
972
01:00:00,008 --> 01:00:01,617
When we first met,
973
01:00:02,578 --> 01:00:04,781
I was the most wretched bloke
in the whole world.
974
01:00:04,929 --> 01:00:07,702
Except maybe for that guy
who's married to Esther Rantzen.
975
01:00:08,305 --> 01:00:09,429
Maybe him.
976
01:00:10,445 --> 01:00:11,750
But now, you know...
977
01:00:11,867 --> 01:00:15,132
I'm as happy as
Michelle Pfeiffer's underpants.
978
01:00:16,008 --> 01:00:18,609
And I'd like to give you
something fab for Christmas.
979
01:00:19,758 --> 01:00:20,789
Well...
980
01:00:20,953 --> 01:00:22,953
There is something,
Bernard.
981
01:00:23,016 --> 01:00:24,531
But it's blooming hard to ask for.
982
01:00:24,570 --> 01:00:27,234
Well, just you ask away.
Whatever it is, it's yours.
983
01:00:30,313 --> 01:00:31,656
I want to go home.
984
01:00:35,294 --> 01:00:37,953
See, I like it here.
985
01:00:38,266 --> 01:00:40,085
I love little Frank Carson
986
01:00:40,281 --> 01:00:42,281
and I love big Kevin Costner.
987
01:00:42,438 --> 01:00:44,148
I love post-it notes,
988
01:00:46,268 --> 01:00:47,656
I love you.
989
01:00:50,086 --> 01:00:52,086
But I miss things...
990
01:00:53,039 --> 01:00:54,742
I miss my family.
991
01:00:55,320 --> 01:00:57,789
I don't have anybody
to write Christmas cards to.
992
01:00:59,445 --> 01:01:01,445
I miss my fianc�e.
993
01:01:02,273 --> 01:01:04,273
I miss Egbert and Pee Wee.
994
01:01:04,430 --> 01:01:05,523
The kittens?
995
01:01:05,719 --> 01:01:06,960
The kittens.
996
01:01:09,031 --> 01:01:12,078
And no one stir-fries rabbit droppings
like my mum does.
997
01:01:13,023 --> 01:01:14,234
Yes, well...
998
01:01:14,703 --> 01:01:16,703
People rather seem to have
lost the knack, there.
999
01:01:18,403 --> 01:01:19,793
Oh dear.
1000
01:01:20,913 --> 01:01:23,156
Yes, well...
1001
01:01:24,133 --> 01:01:25,156
Surely.
1002
01:01:25,250 --> 01:01:26,343
And there's another thing...
1003
01:01:26,367 --> 01:01:29,289
If I could just get the recipe for
these 100 percent beef patty things...
1004
01:01:29,430 --> 01:01:31,351
- You could make a bob or two.
- Exactly!
1005
01:01:31,375 --> 01:01:33,718
And if I could memorise the songs
by Mr Barry White,
1006
01:01:33,984 --> 01:01:37,281
I could snog every babe in a yashmak
from Mount Hebron to the Red Sea.
1007
01:01:37,328 --> 01:01:38,828
We got it together,
didn't we?
1008
01:01:39,711 --> 01:01:41,515
Sure, sure. I understand.
1009
01:01:45,351 --> 01:01:46,820
You should go.
1010
01:01:48,945 --> 01:01:50,187
But first,
1011
01:01:50,672 --> 01:01:52,500
there's one thing
I'd like to try.
1012
01:01:53,828 --> 01:01:55,554
Don't be nervous, Bernie!
1013
01:01:55,688 --> 01:01:57,343
Don't worry, I've got you.
1014
01:02:00,969 --> 01:02:02,750
That's where I was born.
1015
01:02:16,272 --> 01:02:18,054
That was a fabulous tour, Bernie.
1016
01:02:18,195 --> 01:02:19,296
Thank you!
1017
01:02:19,460 --> 01:02:21,952
Rome wasn't quite as big
as I expected it to be.
1018
01:02:22,156 --> 01:02:24,835
But New York? Wow!
That was fantastic!
1019
01:02:24,898 --> 01:02:27,265
Yeah, the Americans have put
a lot of work into it.
1020
01:02:28,297 --> 01:02:30,804
Tell me... why are there
no tall buildings in Beirut?
1021
01:02:31,508 --> 01:02:33,125
That's a long story.
1022
01:02:33,758 --> 01:02:35,484
Take me home, James!
1023
01:02:41,539 --> 01:02:44,304
I can't believe you wished for
this stuff. It's bloody freezing!
1024
01:03:09,586 --> 01:03:11,389
Well, here we go...
1025
01:03:12,648 --> 01:03:13,875
Goodbye!
1026
01:03:15,906 --> 01:03:17,906
You great big funky dude.
1027
01:03:21,141 --> 01:03:22,250
I'd like to say I'd call, but
1028
01:03:22,359 --> 01:03:25,101
the phone system in 1st century
Palestine is absolute crap.
1029
01:03:28,412 --> 01:03:32,937
Okay. Are you sure you've got enough stuff?
1030
01:03:33,047 --> 01:03:34,210
I think so.
1031
01:03:37,070 --> 01:03:38,234
Look...
1032
01:03:38,883 --> 01:03:40,593
...if you bump into Jesus,
1033
01:03:41,063 --> 01:03:44,109
tell him to keep an eye on Judas.
He's a nasty piece of work.
1034
01:03:45,031 --> 01:03:46,039
Okay.
1035
01:03:46,992 --> 01:03:48,507
I have a present for you.
1036
01:03:48,984 --> 01:03:50,140
Take it from me.
1037
01:03:50,281 --> 01:03:51,515
It may not look like much,
1038
01:03:51,648 --> 01:03:54,016
but it may come in handy,
when I leave.
1039
01:03:54,406 --> 01:03:56,053
Okay, fine, thanks.
1040
01:03:59,367 --> 01:04:01,171
And when you're looking through
that old bibble...
1041
01:04:01,680 --> 01:04:03,406
- Bible.
- Whatever.
1042
01:04:03,937 --> 01:04:06,710
And it says...
"And the multitude gathered..."
1043
01:04:07,367 --> 01:04:08,695
Remember,
1044
01:04:09,461 --> 01:04:12,218
one of them is a close
personal friend of yours.
1045
01:04:12,898 --> 01:04:16,296
Oh, this is getting far too emotional,
I wish you'd just go.
1046
01:04:18,180 --> 01:04:21,337
No, wait, I wish... I wish...
1047
01:04:29,912 --> 01:04:31,118
Okay.
1048
01:04:40,808 --> 01:04:43,724
Thank you. Merry Christmas!
1049
01:04:49,599 --> 01:04:51,599
So what do you want for Christmas?
1050
01:06:16,996 --> 01:06:23,837
He's Mr. Success. He's higher than high.
He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie.
1051
01:06:23,957 --> 01:06:31,183
He's king of the hill. He's top of the heap.
He's Mr. Unique. He's not Mr. Sheep.
1052
01:06:31,303 --> 01:06:35,169
From the shine on his shoe
To the stars in his eye
1053
01:06:35,289 --> 01:06:39,941
If he were a girl
He'd be Princess Di.
1054
01:06:42,310 --> 01:06:49,535
He's Mr. Success. He's higher than high.
He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie.
1055
01:06:49,655 --> 01:06:57,166
He's king of the hill. He's top of the heap.
He's Mr. Unique. He's not Mr. Sheep.79030
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