Original subtitles

♪ Hello, world, hear the song that we're singin'

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringin'

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we had a dream we'd go travelin' together

♪ and spread a little lovin' then we'd keep movin' on

♪ somethin' always happens whenever we're together

♪ we get a happy feelin' when we're singin' a song

♪ travelin' along there's a song that we're singin'

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringin'

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we'll make you happy

rezo: Even into the '50s, I never agreed with them,

and to this day, I don't write like that.

In fact, the detective I wrote, winwood bains,

doesn't carry a gun even.

He never resorts to violence.

In fact, if he'd have been born in my old neighborhood,

we would have beat him into silly putty.

(Audience laughing)

That's why I'm especially glad

that college and high-school students

have made winwood bains a sort of a folk hero.

Maybe it means we're getting sick of violence.

Maybe it means we're looking for a new kind of hero.

Thank you. Good night.

(Audience applauding)

He's great.

Aren't you glad you came?

The lecture was fascinating.

Fascinating?

Why, that man is a legend in his own time.

Every kid in this school has read one of his books.

Well, I'm confused.

About what?

Well, his books are so literate,

and he looks like a man who would break your arm

and then take bets on which way it flopped.

Don't let him hear you.

We'll be betting on your arm.

There he is. Laurie.

Uh, Mr. Rezo, I'm... Yeah?

I'm a big fan of yours, and I wouldn't ask for myself,

but could I have your autograph for my little sister?

Sure, sure. What's her name?

Laurie.

(Laughs)

Here you are, Laurie.

Thank you.

You knew it was for me?

Sure.

And you're the partridge family.

And you must be Reuben Kincaid.

Reuben: That's right.

How did you know that?

Hey, it's elementary.

Winwood bains would have known who you are,

and I made him up, so I know who you are.

Oh, this is my agent, lazaar Hannibal.

How do you do? How do you do?

Mr. Rezo? Yeah.

I've read all your books, and I think they're really great.

Pure fantasy. Even better than James Bond.

Fantasy? Uh, uh...

Mr. Rezo considers James Bond

to be vulgar sensationalism.

I think what Keith means is that, uh...

It has the same larger-than-life elements.

Right. That's what I meant.

Uh, look. I like your books,

but you can't possibly believe that they're true to life.

Mr. Kincaid, my books are based on two things,

human nature and logic.

"human nature and logic." That's his credo.

Ah.

Well, forgive me, Mr. Rezo, but, uh, in your last book, a gang of thieves stole

the crown jewels, right?

And within three days, winwood bains,

without a clue as to where they were going,

found the entire gang. Now, in real life,

he would not have been able to find them that fast, if at all.

Uh, Mr. Kincaid, I'm the expert in my field.

Well, maybe so, but you couldn't find me if I didn't want you to.

Hey, I'd find you before you put on your false mustache.

I'll go you one better.

If all of youse tried to hide from me,

I'll bet I'd find you in 24 hours.

(Laughing)

That's very interesting. Kids, we better be going.

No, hey, hear me out. I'm serious about this.

Mr. Rezo, I really don't think...

Mrs. Partridge,

I'm about to make you an offer you can't turn down.

All right. Let's hear it.

If you win, I give $25,000 to your favorite charity.

Deal?

Yeah, I think we got a deal.

Mr. Rezo, are you sure you want to go through with it?

I mean, we couldn't possibly turn down that offer

you made last night.

I knew you couldn't.

25,000 bucks.

I can identify with that.

Well, it's your money, but we do intend to win it for charity.

Good. We understand each other.

Okay, now, it's 8:00 A.M.

I give you two hours to hide.

At 10:00 I come looking for you.

If I don't find you by 10:00 tomorrow morning, you win.

Well, how do you catch us?

I mean, do you just see us or what?

Let's make this a real challenge.

Let's say I have to actually tag you,

make an arrest, so to speak.

Like hide-and-seek.

Well, I prefer to think of it as cops and robbers.

Oh, one more thing.

You can't tell nobody about the bet.

See, people would want to help you win the money for charity,

and that would put me at a disadvantage.

Agreed. Is that it?

Hey, that's it.

I'll start looking for you in two hours.

Shirley: Uh, we'll see you tomorrow?

Sometime after 10:00.

Hey. I'm betting heavy I see you before then.

(Rezo chuckles)

Bye.

Okay, let's go out the back door.

Wait a minute. We just can't go running blind.

That's what he wants.

She's right.

We got to think of a place where he'll never find us.

We could go and hide in the wilderness.

We'd never get in on a weekend. Too many people.

We could hide in my toy box.

We certainly could.

None of your toys are in it.

I got it. We can hide in the sewers.

We're not gonna hide in any sewer.

Well, it was good enough for the phantom of the opera.

He could afford to hide in sewers.

He didn't have a nose.

This is a crazy idea, but what if we just stayed here?

It'd be the last place he'd look.

I think that's a great idea,

but we'll have to convince him that we're leaving.

How do we do that?

(In deep voice) Elementary, Kincaid.

We leave.

(Sighs)

We must have driven for over an hour.

Spending that much time confined with five kids

is enough to make your liver collapse.

I wanted to make sure we were seen away from the house

and not followed. Yeah.

Laurie: Will the car be all right there?

Shirley: It can't be seen from the street.

Everybody, quiet. We're not supposed to be here.

You still got 28 minutes to get out of sight.

This catch was a freebie.

Ciao.

(As James cagney) Okay, partridge.

I know you're the dirty rat that got my brother.

Now I'm gonna let you have it.

Thanks.

(In normal voice) You ate my gun.

Some gangster. Baby-face dumb.

This is really silly.

We're supposed to be hiding, and here we sit,

right out in the open.

Haven't you ever heard of getting lost in a crowd?

He'll never find us among all these people.

I'd feel much better in a more routine hiding place,

like a foxhole.

Mom, he's here! He isn't!

We should have found a foxhole.

Let me have one of those.

My report is negative.

Uh, plenty of mustard.

Have you seen any sign of them?

No, but they're here.

I found their car.

Smart.

The old "Getting lost in a crowd" Ploy.

Well, uh, maybe we ought to comb the area, huh?

No need for that. Relax.

I'm waiting to hear a sound.

A sound?

A sound.

Girl: Look, it's Keith partridge!

(Shrieking)

That's the sound.

I don't have time to give you my autograph.

But how about I give you my initials?

Mom, here they come.

That scream was a dead giveaway.

(Girls shouting)

Please, quiet down. I have something very important to say.

(Shouting stops)

I'm not supposed to say this,

but, uh, do you see that man over there,

the tall one with the hot dog?

All: Yeah.

That's Mick Jagger in disguise.

(Shrieking)

Look at them run.

That was really clever, mom.

Yeah, that was great, mom.

Yeah.

They'd leave me for Mick Jagger.

Twelve hours that man's been hounding us.

Twelve hours of running, hiding, but he always finds us.

How does he do it?

Well, like he says, he uses logic.

Yeah.

Maybe we could fool him if we did something totally illogical.

Why don't you think of something, Mr. Kincaid?

Your plans never make any sense.

Hey, kid, wanna be among friends?

Yeah.

Go stand under a bug light.

Reuben, relax. We're all tired.

That's another thing. How come Chris and Tracy get to stay here

at Mrs. Moynihan's?

Because we didn't think we'd be running around all night.

They need their sleep.

Any sign of rezo?

Not yet. But if he holds true to form,

he won't find us for another 5 minutes.

Well, I can't take it anymore.

We're hiding like common thieves.

Look, we're all tired, hungry and frustrated.

But, as unpleasant as it may be, let's remember

we're earning $25,000 for charity.

You know, I've been thinking.

Oh, boy, here comes a biggie.

Okay, go ahead and make fun.

But I happen to know a place where we can hide out for a little while anyway.

At least until we think of a plan.

What makes you sure he won't find us?

Because kids have been hiding out there for years.

I don't get it. All these people, and no one's talking.

Do all the kids come here?

Yep.

Have you ever been here?

Me?

Oh, no, I don't even know where we are.

What's the name of this place?

Mullin's point.

Laurie, if you don't know where we are how do you know

where we are?

Uh, female instinct. I can sense the evil.

Sense the evil? Laurie!

Look, are we here to talk about sex,

or are we here to talk about things that matter?

Now I know why you're a bachelor.

Shirley, can I give him just a little hit?

Later. For now, I think we better stop arguing

and start thinking about our next hiding place.

It seems to me one of the reasons Mr. Rezo keeps finding us

is he knows the car.

If we could rent a car...

Fine, but there's nothing open.

Right. Nothing but sodom and gomorrah.

Oh, no! He's here!

Well, that's him, all right. We're trapped.

No, we're not. I can sneak out the other way.

But he'll see us. I don't want you to try and outrun him.

He won't have to if there's a traffic jam.

Keith, honk the horn.

What? Honk the horn.

Honk the horn.

(Car horn honking)

All right, you guys, I know my daughter's here someplace,

and I'm gonna find her!

(Car engines starting)

(Horns honking)

I don't get it.

I thought that all-night movie would be the perfect hideout.

How did he find us?

The same way he found us in the bowling alley,

the laundromat, and the hotel.

Just be thankful we saw him and he didn't see us.

He's right on our heels. Shouldn't we be running?

I thought I was.

Yeah, well, I can't take it!

For 18 hours, he's been hounding us.

Everywhere we go, he goes.

He knows us better than we know ourselves.

He knows everything.

I wonder if he knows about Greta.

I wonder if he knows about Jim.

I wonder if he knows about...

My own mother has feet of Clay.

I suppose he knows about bunny.

Everybody knows about bunny.

It's uncanny.

He knows everything about us, like he was a part of us.

That's exactly what it's like.

He may be smart, but he knows too much.

Yeah, but how does he do it?

(Snaps fingers) Of course!

The same way Laurie knew about me and eunice Alby!

He was listening on the phone?

We were bugged.

Shh!

I got a great idea.

Let's all scream into it and give him a headache.

No.

Since Mr. Rezo went to all that trouble,

I think he ought to know exactly where we're going.

Almost.

(Yawns)

Well, uh...

(Clears throat) Here we are in chronos caverns.

We're miles from San pueblo.

Uh, I can see by the expression on your face, Shirley,

you'd like to add something to that.

Well, we've driven the car into the caverns.

The entrance is covered by bushes.

I'm sure we're safe now.

I don't see any way they can find us, right, Keith?

Mmm.

Another in-depth analysis by Keith partridge.

Shirley, I got to go to sleep. I can't stay awake another minute.

Go ahead. There's no way they can catch us.

He only has five more minutes.

You mean we beat him?

You hear that, rezo?

We won!

I've been waiting 24 agonizing hours to say that.

You know what else I've been waiting to say, rezo?

You couldn't find a clue if it was addressed to you!

You are nothing.

You're... you're less than...

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm nothing.

Uh, excuse me for interrupting,

but this is what we in the business call a raid.

Tag!

You're busted.

Hey, come on. Everybody, wake up.

I want to see the pained look of realization in your eyes.

How did you find us?

Oh, you were very clever.

I started for those caverns, just like you wanted me to.

But we worked everything out perfectly.

Why didn't you keep going?

Elementary.

The bug I planted only transmits a few miles.

The further I got away from town, the fainter it got.

The closer I got to your house

(snaps fingers)

The stronger the signal got.

Well, I just have to say that it's totally unfair.

You used a bug to find us.

Right, Keith?

Mmm.

See? We all agree. It's unfair.

No one said a bug wasn't fair.

Right, lazaar?

Cream and sugar.

See? We all agree. It's fair.

Look, the fact is I won.

Just a moment. I don't think so.

What do you mean? I always win.

You were supposed to catch all of us.

You haven't caught Chris and Tracy.

They're not here?

(Groans)

Well, I'm embarrassed.

I fell for the old stash-the-kids routine.

I hope there's no hard feelings.

No, of course not.

You outsmarted me.

It's simple as that.

I bear no hostility.

Do I?

Well, maybe a little hostility.

Oh, this is...

I don't understand what's keeping Mr. Rezo.

He should have been here an hour ago to donate his check.

I mean, this just isn't like him.

Maybe we ought to go ahead and do the show.

It'll give him more time.

Great. I'd like to see your show.

Where have you been?

We were beginning to think you ran out on us.

Nothing like that.

I just don't like losing.

Took me an hour to stop shaking so I could sign the check.

Here you are, 25,000 simoleons.

I think they expect you to donate this publicly.

Oh, uh, why don't you do that for me?

I mean, I'd rather just go in the audience

and, uh, hear you sing.

Okay. Thank you, Mr. Rezo.

Hey.

Sing good.

It's costing me a fortune.

Oh.

What's that for?

That's for not letting Mr. Rezo find you at Mrs. Moynihan's.

But he did find us, right after you left.

Yeah, and he told us a bedtime story.

Snow white and the seven crooks.

Why, that old hypocrite.

He won!

He wanted those kids out there to have this money.

You mean he just gave away the money?

Another idol bites the dust.

(Intro to storybook love plays)

♪ we've got a storybook love

♪ and that's all and that's all

♪ a fantasy world where we love one another

♪ a storybook love

♪ and that's all and that's all

♪ a boy and a girl who hardly know each other

♪ but I feel you looking at me

♪ and in your eyes it's plain to see

♪ one day soon we both could be much more than friends

♪ but until then it's a storybook love

♪ and that's all and that's all

♪ a fantasy world where we love one another

♪ a storybook love

♪ and that's all and that's all

♪ a boy and a girl who hardly know each other

♪ but I already know

♪ how much I'm gonna love you so

♪ I feel it inside me

♪ even though it hasn't happened yet

♪ so all we get is a storybook love

♪ and that's all and that's all

♪ a fantasy world where we love one another

♪ a storybook love

♪ and that's all and that's all

♪ a boy and a girl who hardly know each other

♪ my imagination starts a-racing when I think of you

♪ whenever I think of you

♪ well, it's a fairy tale right now

♪ but you could make it all come true

♪ it's a storybook love

♪ and that's all and that's all

♪ a fantasy world where we love one another

♪ a storybook love

♪ and that's all and that's all

♪ a boy and a girl who hardly know each other

♪ but I feel you're looking at me

♪ and in your eyes it's plain to see

♪ one day soon, we both will be much more than friends

♪ but until then it's a storybook love

♪ it's a storybook love

♪ and that's all and that's all

♪ a fantasy world where we love one another

♪ a storybook love

♪ and that's all and that's all ♪

Well, I guess I'm ready.

Oh, mom, you've met Richard whipple.

Yes, hello, Richard. How are you?

Fine.

Richard's gonna help me babysit while you're gone.

No, no, no. Actually, Laurie's doing me the favor.

You see, I'm the school treasurer,

and the, uh, books don't balance.

We're gonna find out

if he's a rotten accountant or an embezzler.

Well, if you're a bad accountant,

I'll you see you in a couple of hours.

If you're an embezzler,

I'll see you in a couple of years.

Goodbye, mom. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Well.

Well, how about that? We're alone.

Richard, did you hear a click?

No.

You know, sometimes I crack my knuckles,

but my hands aren't even touching.

There's only one person who'd be clicking now.

Richard, I can't stand it anymore!

Embrace me and tell me how much you love me.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm playing winwood bains, detective.

Oh, really?

Well, tell me, what are you gonna do

with the pictures, winwood?

I'm gonna give them to you at a price.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Um, I'm gonna give them to you, period.

Wrong.

Wrong. You're gonna give me something.

Right.

You can't hit an officer of the law!