Original subtitles

♪ Hello, world, hear the song that we're singin'

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringin'

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we had a dream we'd go travelin' together

♪ and spread a little lovin' then we'd keep movin' on

♪ somethin' always happens whenever we're together

♪ we get a happy feelin' when we're singin' a song

♪ travelin' along there's a song that we're singin'

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringin'

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we'll make you happy

kids, we're running a little late.

Reuben will be here in half an hour.

Why is Mr. Kincaid going on the picnic?

He just grumbles and complains.

Because he likes us. You have no class.

Morning.

Morning. Why aren't you dressed?

I can't make up my mind.

Typical.

Should I wear my pink knit dress or my blue one with the white bib?

I'm partial to the pink knit.

Honey, it's a little formal for a picnic.

Yeah, you usually dress like a carrot gone to seed.

Well, greely winger said that he might be in the park today.

Greely winger?

You're not gonna dress for that phony.

I wouldn't call greely winger a phony.

Not when you're going out with condine Brewster.

What's that supposed to mean?

Underneath all those curves,

built like a tortilla.

I don't get it. A tortilla is little and flat and...

I get it.

So much for the topography lesson.

You have to get ready.

Hi. Hi, Reuben.

Reuben, we're not ready.

I know. I'm a little early.

Thought I'd watch some early news.

You never watch the news. You say it's too depressing.

Since I'm going on a picnic with you,

I'll want to get myself in the proper frame of mind.

Listen, I want to catch the basketball scores.

What channel is it on? Seven.

It's not here.

Try again. It's right after six.

Not channel 7. The TV set. It's gone.

Keith: See, gone. Channel 7 and everything.

Laurie: The stereo's gone, too.

So is the radio.

Is this some kind of joke?

Looks more like a burglary.

You mean, while we were all asleep, there was a strange man in this house?

Oh, I hope he didn't steal my pink knit dress.

You know, I think Sheila barfus has a thing for you.

Sheila barfus, the girl with the tooth?

Mmm-hmm.

When I told her we were burglarized, she took up a collection for you.

What? Yeah.

She got money from all your fans at school.

She collected 28 cents.

No...

Well, she got that much because she told everybody you were in traction.

Very funny.

You know, it's girls like you

who make things really lousy for women's lib.

You just don't know your place.

Looks like we have company.

How can we have company? Nobody's home.

Keith, there's someone in our house.

What?

They're back. They're stealing our couch.

Well, I don't know, maybe they want to relax while they're watching our TV.

You've got to stop them. They're stealing our furniture.

Laurie, Sheila barfus raised 28 cents

because she told people I was in traction.

Must we make an honest woman of her?

Where's male chauvinism when you need it? You're afraid.

I am not! Hi.

Take my money.

Hey, thanks a lot, Sam, I really appreciate the help.

It's okay, Kincaid. Anytime.

Who was that? That was Sam barner.

He was helping me set up a little surprise for your mother.

Never guess what it is.

You rearranged the furniture?

Nope. You're standing on it.

You gave us a dirty carpet?

No, but you're warm.

Underneath this rug, as a matter of fact, all over the house,

even in the garage, there are sensor pads.

Well, it's a burglar alarm.

If a burglar steps on a sensor, it sets off the alarm.

Hey, great.

Yeah.

Let me show you how to control it.

Now, upstairs, there's a switch to activate the alarm

when you're sleeping, and down here

to turn on when you leave the house.

Well, what do you think?

Well, I think it's, uh... it's an unusual gift.

Yeah, but do you think your mother will like it?

Oh, yes, yes, I'm sure she'll be very surprised.

Yeah. Hi, Reuben.

Oh, hi, Shirley, let me help you.

If I'd known you were coming, I would have...

(Alarm ringing)

(Ringing stops)

What was that?

(Sighing)

Surprise, surprise.

(Alarm ringing)

Hi.

(Ringing stops)

Uh, I was hungry.

But I guess I'm not hungry anymore, so I'll go back to bed.

(Siren blaring)

What's that?

Company's coming.

I just want to remind you all

that human sacrifice is against the law.

(Coughs)

Well, everybody ready to go?

Yeah, as soon as Chris and Tracy get here.

You mean they're still in the house? I thought they were out here.

I turned on...

(Alarm ringing)

(Shouting) The burglar alarm!

(Shouting) I'll go call the police and tell them not to come!

(Shouting) What did she say?

(Groaning)

Mr. Stillman, I know we've set it off eight times

in the last five days,

and I'm very sorry if the alarm keeps waking you up,

but it's gonna take us a little time to learn how to turn it on and off.

I don't want a gun or a killer dog.

Mr. Stillman, a burglar alarm is not UN-American.

Laurie: Mom!

The neighbor stopped me again.

It's another petition to ban the alarm.

Put it on the bulletin board with the rest of them.

We get any more petitions, we're going to have to get a longer thumbtack.

Do you want to know what just happened, do you?

What? I'll tell you what.

While I was walking down the street,

the neighbors started booing me.

Booing me! Do you know what that does for my ego?

Your ego could use a little booing.

Something has to be done.

I don't want to hurt Reuben's feelings, but...

Hi.

Hey, Keith, when I pulled up just now,

did I see the neighbors booing you?

Yeah.

When your fans start booing you, that's a bad sign.

Maybe we should get a new sound.

Reuben, that's the problem.

We have a new sound.

Huh?

Well, Reuben, let me put it this way,

your burglar alarm has definitely made an impression

upon our neighbors.

We keep turning it on by accident.

And it doesn't just wake you up, it wakes you up all over.

I see.

You don't like my present.

Oh, Reuben, it was a lovely gesture,

and we do appreciate it...

(Alarm ringing)

Shirley, you've got to do something about that.

Exactly. Who could that be?

Chris and Tracy?

Upstairs.

The alarm's turned off.

Well, not the one in the garage.

Where's Danny? Try the garage.

I'll go tell Chris and Tracy we're not being robbed again.

I'll go head off the neighbors.

By now, they're probably forming a vigilante committee.

Then I'm going to take my burglar alarm and go home!

(Ringing continues)

Danny!

(Ringing stops)

Danny, come on out. I know you're in here.

The name ain't Danny. It's Morris. Don't scream.

Who... who are you?

Morris dinkler, ex-con.

Now, don't do anything or I'll be forced to bring out big Bertha.

What are you gonna do? I'm not gonna do anything.

I just need a place to stay till tomorrow.

I got places to go.

Here.

Sit down.

Sit down!

You know, you're in big trouble.

You set off the burglar alarm.

The police are on their way here right now.

You're fibbing to me. You know.

The police aren't coming.

You heard the alarm.

I heard it last night.

That's why I picked this place.

You obviously just got a new alarm, right?

How did you know?

Well, when people first get their new alarm systems,

they tend to set them off by accident, a lot.

And after a while, the police know it's a mistake,

and they just call you on the telephone and tell you to turn it off.

Now, is there anyone else in the house?

No.

Mom, I really didn't set it off.

Hi.

Hi.

You lied to me.

Is that any way to build a relationship based on mutual trust?

What's going on?

Nothing, honey, it's all right.

Everything's dandy.

You got a gun, kid?

What?

What's this? It's my frog.

(Groans)

Now I'll have warts.

Once again, is there anyone else in the house?

No, no, just Danny and I.

Oh, boy. You caught Danny.

Yeah, we want to watch you beat him up.

What are these, talking dolls?

Mom, do you want me to make lunch?

Oh, boy, I'm in a house with snow white and the seven dwarfs.

All that's missing is simple Simon.

Hi.

All present and accounted for.

I still can't believe you chose our house because of the burglar alarm.

Ironic, ain't it?

(Laughs)

How's the food coming? I'm starving.

Will bread and water do? I'm sure you're used to that.

I got a feeling you don't like me.

I'm really not a bad guy.

You're a criminal. You broke into our home.

I won't hurt anybody. Honest.

I don't even like guns.

In fact, I'm not even a real criminal.

You were in jail. Well, I deserved it.

I was a lookout for a robbery.

I didn't want to do it, but the gang promised they'd beat me up if I didn't.

But I was guilty and the fact's the fact.

Instead of bread and water, would you like some soup with your sandwich?

Yeah, that would be nice.

Just promise me one thing. Huh?

If you like the food, don't recommend it to your friends.

(Laughing)

(Whispering) We've got to get out of here.

(Whispering) I've got a plan.

If we all run, one of us is bound to get away.

Right. He couldn't catch all five of us.

Okay, when I give the signal,

we all make a break for it.

Pass it on.

When Danny gives the signal, we all make a break for it.

Pass it on.

When Danny gives the signal, we'll all make a break for it.

Pass it on.

When Danny gives the signal, we'll all make a break for it. Pass it on.

When Danny... Don't try it. Pass it on.

Don't try it. Pass it on.

Don't try it. Pass it on.

Never mind.

We know.

(Doorbell rings)

Right. Nobody move.

Missus? Missus!

Now, whoever it is, get rid of them.

And remember, me and Bertha are gonna be in the closet,

listening to every word you say.

(Humming)

Oh, hi, Shirley.

Listen, I talked to the vigilante committee.

That's nice. Reuben, you can't come in.

I'm very busy.

(Whispering) There's a man in the closet with a gun.

What do you mean, you're very busy? I just...

I'm sorry, Reuben, I'm busy.

There's a man in the closet with a gun!

What?

She said, "There's a man in the closet with a gun."

oh, well, Shirley, if you're busy...

Whoa!

Don't shoot. I only have six months to live.

Maybe less.

I don't like your looks. You have small, beady eyes.

You're a cop.

I am not. A "Prevert."

he's our manager.

A manager.

This is Shirley partridge of the partridge family.

You are the partridge family!

Wow, I sing your songs all the time.

♪ I think I love you...

I used to drive the guards daffy with that.

They'd wonder who I was singing it to.

Oh, it's a great honor having you as hostages.

Well, thank you very much.

Shirley, why are you thanking him?

"go to jail.

"go directly to jail."

that's the story of my life.

Why don't you just break out?

Because that's not nice.

You've got to play by the rules.

Would you listen to that?

(Laughs) Huh?

A man with a gun is giving a lecture on morals.

Reuben, don't get upset. There's nothing we can do about it.

Hey, look, I got plenty of morals.

I want the kids to learn how to play fair

so they don't wind up in jail like I did.

Well, if you want to give them a lesson in morals, why don't you give yourself up?

Because I don't want to wind up in jail like I did!

Now, quit bugging me!

I'm playing with the kids.

Reuben!

It's okay. It'll give us a chance to talk.

I never feel like small talk when my life's in danger.

We can make a plan to get out of here.

But we can't sneak out.

He can see the front and back door from there.

Wait a minute! This'll get us out.

I don't think it'll work.

Unless he's afraid of getting a hickey.

But we can use it to get a message out.

Exactly.

A toy bow and arrow. That's silly.

You got a better idea?

First, we'll need a note.

Let's say that there's an escaped criminal in here

with a gun, and to call the police.

Laurie, I know.

I'm in the story, remember?

Hey, what are you mumbling about?

Uh, we were just saying how stuffy it is in here.

Would you mind if I opened a window?

No, go right ahead.

But close the shutters.

I don't want anybody looking in.

Okay, this is gonna take precise timing.

I'll try to keep his attention.

Right. Reuben, you and Laurie work the shutters.

Roger.

Morris, um, I thought you might still be hungry.

Morris: Oh, that's very hospitable of you.

You know, breaking out of jail does work up an appetite.

(Chuckles)

Hurry up.

Okay, okay.

Okay, now.

Morris: What was that noise?

Noise? What noise?

That noise.

Oh, that.

Oh, I was just, uh, target-practicing.

Yes. See, he hit the window. Dead center.

Dead center, all right.

(Laughing)

You misspelled "Criminal."

Hey, gang, why don't you relax?

It's very hard to relax, staring down the barrel of a loaded jacket.

Look, I don't mean to inconvenience you.

Why don't you go ahead and just do what you normally do?

Well, normally, this is about the time I always call the police.

I've really come to like you people.

Most of you.

Come here. I've got a plan.

Tell him you have to rehearse. Get him out to the garage.

What good will that do?

I am going to hide.

If you distract him, he may not miss me.

Then, when you're gone, I'll call the police.

It's worth a try. Come on, kids.

Okay.

Morris, you just said that we should do

what we would normally do, right?

Well, we have to rehearse for a concert this week.

Would you mind?

Mind it? I'd love it.

Well, our instruments are out in the garage.

Be my guest.

You know, it's an awful lot to ask,

but I play a mean harmonica.

It's one of the things I learned in prison.

What I mean is, could I sort of jam with you?

Of course. Come on.

Oh, good.

Coming, Kincaid?

On my way.

(Playing sunshine eyes)

Keith: ♪ running in and out of love on a carousel

♪ up and down and all around

♪ I knew that game so well

♪ searching for the sun

♪ and always finding rain

♪ no matter where love started

♪ it always would end the same

♪ it always ended the same

♪ now it seems a whole lot better

♪ sunshine eyes

♪ sunshine eyes

♪ when your sunshine eyes keep shining down on me

♪ sunshine eyes your sunshine eyes

♪ and I know that we can make it together

♪ sunshine eyes

♪ sunshine eyes

♪ I'm feeling good and now it's no surprise

♪ sunshine eyes

go ahead, Morris. Play it.

♪ Lights up the darkest day

♪ now it seems a whole lot better

♪ sunshine eyes

♪ sunshine eyes

♪ when your sunshine eyes

♪ keep smiling down on me

♪ sunshine eyes

♪ your sunshine eyes

♪ and I know that we can make it together

♪ sunshine eyes

♪ sunshine eyes

♪ I'm feeling good and now it's no surprise

♪ sunshine eyes

(all exclaiming)

Keith: Hey, that was way too much.

Hey, that was great. I haven't had that much fun in years.

Morris, I can't believe that you're a criminal.

I don't feel like one.

I would have been up for parole in about four months.

Then why did you break out?

I didn't break out.

Uh... actually, the gang took me along as a hostage.

After an hour, they threw me out of the car.

Morris, you said that tomorrow you have places to go.

I got no place to go.

Why don't you give yourself up?

You think they'd believe I actually allowed myself

to accidentally escape from prison?

I wouldn't be up for parole for years.

But we'll help you.

We'll tell them the way it really was.

Well, uh, thanks a lot, but it wouldn't happen for me.

Well, I just don't believe this.

You people are feeling sorry

for an admitted thief and jail breaker.

Reuben, there are extenuating circumstances.

Well, if you won't protect yourselves,

I feel obligated to do it for you.

I have just turned on the burglar alarm,

and now I am going to step on the sensor pad and set it off.

Ha!

Could have sworn it was there.

Don't move!

Don't move.

Don't try that again, or you're gonna get a little taste of this!

What are you going to do with that, fill me full of wind?

You mean, big Bertha is your harmonica?

I told you, I don't like guns.

(Alarm ringing)

(Ringing stops)

I can't do anything right.

Now, you're caught Mr. Music man.

The police will be here any minute.

No, they're not gonna come.

The police are gonna call and ask you to turn off the alarm

because you're disturbing the neighbors.

(Phone ringing)

What'd I tell you?

There goes your law and order.

Morris, we all know that's the police.

If I don't answer the phone, they'll come.

I think this ought to be your choice.

Either I answer the phone, or you can.

You want me to give myself up?

We'll be character witnesses for you.

Sure. We'll tell them everything.

We'll even get you a lawyer if we have to.

Tracy: Mr. Morris,

you told us we should play by the rules.

(Ringing continues)

Maybe I better answer the phone.

I think it's for me.

Officer metscur,

do you think the authorities will believe Morris' story?

I know they will.

In fact, we knew from the beginning

that he was taken as a hostage.

You did? How did you know that?

You were the only one running to the getaway car with his hands up.

Look, if there's any trouble,

I'll be glad to testify on his behalf.

We all will.

Gee, thanks. That's very nice.

Uh, you know, Kincaid,

I, uh... I misjudged you.

You're all right.

Too bad you can't do something about those beady eyes.

(All laughing)

I better go.

I don't want to overstay my welcome.

Uh, Mrs. Partridge,

thanks again.

You're one person who could make solitary confinement a real pleasure.

Bye, Kincaid, kids.

Morris? Huh?

Before you go, I want you to have this.

You're a good kid.

I couldn't ask for a better gift.

What is it?

A "Get out of jail free" Card!

(All laughing)