Original subtitles

♪ Hello, world, here's a song that we're singin'

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringin'

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we had a dream we'd go travelin' together

♪ and spread a little lovin' then we'd keep movin' on

♪ somethin' always happens whenever we're together

♪ we get a happy feelin' when we're singin' a song

♪ travelin' along there's a song that we're singin'

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringin'

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we'll make you happy

Mom, is the doctor coming?

Yes, the doctor's coming.

Dr. Wax?

No, Dr. Wax isn't on call. They're sending another doctor.

Honestly, Danny, you'd talk through a tidal wave.

Which is right, your lips or the thermometer?

Stay under the covers. I'll bring you some juice.

What's my temperature?

Don't worry. If you live to be as old as your temperature,

you'll be a very old man.

(Doorbell rings)

Shirley partridge. How are you?

Fine. Fine.

Come in, please.

Well, you look wonderful! Just wonderful!

Thank you.

Are you gonna give Danny a shot?

(Chuckles) I don't know, Tracy. Hi, Keith, Laurie, Chris.

I'm Dr. Bernie applebaum.

I took your mother out once.

That's right.

That's right, kids, he did.

(Chuckles)

I'll never forget it, I told you all about my internship.

Of course. How could I ever forget it?

Oh, it's a pity we never got to my residency. That's where all the exciting stuff is.

I'll bet.

Ready now. Open the hangar.

Here comes the plane.

(Imitating plane approaching)

Oh, it's just a 24-hour virus.

Just a touch of pharyngitis, nothing to worry about, Shirley.

Now, this is what I want you to do.

It's about 5:00 now.

I want you to give him plenty of fluids. Right.

And a couple of aspirins at 6:00. Okay.

And a teaspoon of decongestant at 7:00. Right.

And how about dinner tomorrow night at 8:00? Fine.

Wonderful. Now I can tell you all about my residency.

Ta-ta till tomorrow at 8:00.

Ta-ta.

Imagine, we meet again over a touch of pharyngitis.

I guess that's what they mean by socialized medicine.

And in my first year of pediatrics,

I caught chicken pox, measles, and Scarlet fever.

(Laughing) What a time that was.

Are we ready to order now, monsieur? Oh, yes.

Oh, well, yes. Thank you. Shirley?

I'll have the fillet with bearnaise sauce, please.

Poison, Shirley, poison.

With all due respect to your chef, sir, that's full of cholesterol.

It causes hardening of the arteries.

I'll have the duck with orange sauce.

Oh, Shirley, you'll have heartburn all night.

May I order for you?

All right.

Lamb chops. Plain.

Plain?

Oh, with spinach.

Spinach.

It's lovely with... Plain.

Plain.

Now let's see, we'll need a yellow vegetable.

The closest is the carrots, monsieur. But they're orange.

Carrots will be fine.

Carrots a la...

No "A la."

carrots plain.

Now, we need a beverage.

Monsieur, may I suggest a delicate red Bordeaux, 1967?

Skim milk.

Skim milk.

Any year will do.

What happened? It's only 9:30.

Nothing happened. He just couldn't think of a place to go after dinner.

Good. There's some left.

I thought he took you out for dinner.

Not dinner, a well-balanced meal.

Two lamb chops, one green vegetable, one yellow vegetable,

and skim milk at chez Pierre.

At chez Pierre? You mean you didn't have the chocolate mousse?

Chocolate mousse is full of cholesterol and cholesterol kills.

Isn't it nice to have someone take such good care of you?

Now you know how I feel when you tell me to put on a sweater because you're cold.

Hope he didn't ask you out again.

Well, on the way home, I thought he was gonna ask me to the concert tomorrow night.

But he said it was all sold out.

Aw, what a shame!

Well, I acted disappointed. I didn't want to hurt him.

You know, he's really a very sweet man.

It's just... He's a little too wild for you.

(Phone ringing) Mmm. This is so good.

I'll get it.

Hello? Yes, she is. Wait a minute.

It's captain cholesterol.

Hello? Bernie?

Oh, yes.

Oh, that's... That's wonderful.

(Sighs)

Right. 7:30. Bye.

He found someone at the hospital that sold him tickets to the concert.

At double the price!

Well, what could I do?

Here, mom. Kill yourself.

Well, this is the surprise I promised you.

How many people have taken you to an after-concert dinner at a hospital cafeteria?

Actually, no one.

Then Dr. Applebaum gets one point for originality.

This is the operating room, Shirley.

This is where all the drama of the hospital takes place.

I wanted to be a surgeon once.

What changed your mind?

Well, I just kind of like treating kids.

It's happier.

They always seem to get well.

Come on.

This way is maternity. That's where the stork makes his little deliveries.

Would you like to see it?

I don't think so, Bernie. I've been there five times.

You have? Oh, of course.

Well, we could whiz over to radiology.

Maybe look at a couple of x-rated x-rays.

(Laughing)

He took you to the hospital for dinner?

Were you sick, mom?

No, darling. He wanted to show me where he worked.

(Doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

Ah!

Dinner under the fluorescent lights.

(Inhaling)

The smell of antiseptic. It must have been very romantic.

He's a sweet man, who happens to be very excited about his work.

Uh-huh.

He just assumes that everybody else is, too.

Did you see them operate?

No, that's next time. He'll have tickets to a transplant.

Funny thing about these roses, they smell like ether.

I'd say someone's getting a little serious.

There's nothing serious about sending flowers.

They're beautiful.

Not unless there's a mushy note.

There's a mushy note. You're in trouble.

Would you read it, Laurie?

Out loud?

Of course. I have nothing to hide.

Okay.

"to the lady I'd most like to be quarantined with.

"there's antibiotics and transplants, too.

"transfusions if you're low.

"but for me, a lady with the initials 's.P.'

"is the very best medicine I know. Love, Bernie."

I'm gonna have to straighten this whole thing out tomorrow night.

You made another date?

I got trapped into it.

What'd he do, threaten you with a cold stethoscope?

It seems to me it'd be financially prudent to keep Dr. Applebaum around.

What do you mean?

Well, five sets of tonsils,

five appendixes, five adenoids. Where's your business sense?

Kid's got a point.

Laurie, would you get my zipper, please?

Sure.

Is he taking you out to dinner after the concert?

Yes.

If I were you, I'd eat a little something before you leave.

Honey, I'm curious about something.

It's purely hypothetical, of course.

But... suppose a boy were very interested in you,

and you weren't interested in him.

How do you... Get rid of Bernie?

Well, it has been a while since I've done that kind of thing.

Well, you could start off by mentioning that you two have absolutely nothing in common.

That's right. We don't.

Then you can tell him that you're a very independent woman. You know, a loner.

A loner with five kids?

Well, those are the two best ones, mom.

(Sighs)

Okay, I'll try.

Of course, there is a third one.

But in the case of Dr. Applebaum, it may have the opposite results.

What's that?

By mentioning the mysterious disease that runs in the family.

Have fun.

Laurie: Well, did you tell him?

(Sighs) Yes, I did.

And?

He didn't listen.

People have a way of ignoring what they don't want to hear.

Did you tell him you were a loner?

What did he say?

He said, "A loner with five kids?"

well, I guess we might as well make it a total disaster. Go ahead, Danny.

"what blond singer has been seen around town lately with an eligible pediatrician?"

oh, no. How did this get in the paper?

Face it, mom. You're big news.

Henry kissinger is three items below you.

(Phone ringing)

Who could that be at this hour?

Hello?

Oh, hello, Bernie.

Yes, I did.

We are?

She is?

I will. Bye.

We're the talk of the hospital.

We are?

His mother read the article, and she's flying down to meet me.

She is?

The "I will, " He didn't ask you to marry him, did he?

No. "Stay away from fried food."

(Sighs)

Well, ma, did you recognize her?

Should I?

Shirley is a celebrity.

The partridge family is a very famous singing group.

Oh, I love singers, but there's only one Dennis day.

Did you have a nice flight, Mrs. Applebaum?

The pilot drove like a maniac. Up, down, up, down.

(Groans)

Well, you're here safe and sound, now.

Can I get you something, a little Sherry?

Maybe a little wine.

Ma, liquor is very bad for your liver.

You see that? He supervises every morsel I put in my mouth.

For kings they used to do this.

Did anyone see you come in here?

Nope.

Okay, now, the purpose of this meeting is to help mom.

Then, we should be in the kitchen.

Not that kind of help, Tracy.

Good, I hate that kind of help.

This is much more important.

Dr. Applebaum and his mother are over here for dinner.

Dr. Applebaum has a mother?

Terrific! A major mission and I get abbott and costello.

Now, listen. Here's the plan.

Mrs. Applebaum, I'd like you to meet my daughter Laurie and my son Keith.

Hello. Hi.

You must have had them when you were 10.

I didn't, but thank you.

Bernie was an only child, but I think two children are nicer.

Well, there are three more of us.

You have five children?

That's right.

You knew that?

Oh, yes.

Oh, well, I guess it's good for taxes.

So, you two are a regular item. I pick up the paper to read about Vietnam,

and I find Bernie applebaum.

(Drums playing)

What's that noise?

Drums.

My son Chris plays the drums.

Keith, would you go and tell him to stop?

Yeah.

Well, that's nice. Bernie took cello.

So, if you don't mind a mother's curiosity, how come you happened to get together?

I think it was fate.

(Chuckles)

My son Danny had a sore throat,

and Bernie just happened to be the doctor on call that night.

You make house calls? You and Marcus welby.

You're the only two in the country.

Well, she's a lovely girl. Beautiful, a celebrity, lovely home.

So, my next question is...

Mrs. Applebaum,

Bernie and I have become good friends.

Oh, being good friends is the most important thing.

The other stuff lasts 12 minutes and poof.

Hi!

Tracy!

Get upstairs and wash your face.

I'm supposed to be a floozy.

I'll take her upstairs, mom.

I'm sorry. She likes to play dress-up.

That's all right. Bernie did, too.

Uh...

Will you excuse me? I want to see how the roast is doing.

Go, go. Don't mind me.

You don't know how nice it is to sit on something that doesn't move.

Peace, baby.

Hi, Danny. I'd like you to meet my mother. This is Danny partridge.

¿Que pasa?

He's a Spanish speaking hippie?

Danny partridge, what are you doing?

Just feeling the friendly vibes and grooving.

Get upstairs to your room. I'll deal with you later.

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Applebaum.

I don't know why they're acting this way.

Don't apologize. They're lovely children.

But five kids, it's a big responsibility.

Oh, very big.

It could take up a person's whole life.

It certainly can.

You know, there are very few people who would take on a job like that.

I think I know what you're trying to say, Mrs. Applebaum.

What you need is a man around here.

Thank goodness you found my Bernie.

Just what were you trying to prove by acting like that?

I'm sorry. I just thought she'd see three problem kids

and have Dr. Bernie out of here in a minute.

And after seeing your behavior, she thinks we need a man around the house.

I'm sorry. I was just trying to help.

Hey, maybe if we all started eating an apple a day?

Shirley, what is this all about?

"what blond singer has been seen around town lately with an eligible pediatrician?"

Mr. Kincaid's right on top of everything, isn't he?

What are you talking about? This happens to be today's...

So, it's three days old.

Danny: It's okay, Mr. Kincaid.

A lot of people collect old newspapers.

You gain historical perspective that way.

(Doorbell rings)

Would you get that, please, Danny? Sit down, Reuben.

I'll explain the whole thing to you.

Hi, Danny. I've got something for your mother.

Well, she's...

Uh...

Oh, boy.

What's the matter, Danny?

See for yourself.

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

Hi, Bernie.

Shirley, I didn't know. I'm really sorry.

Bernie, wait!

Shirley, why didn't you tell me?

Tell you what?

That there was somebody else.

I would have understood. It happens all the time.

Bernie, it's not what you're thinking.

It's all right, really.

All my life, there have been other men.

He isn't another man. He's our manager.

Your manager?

Yes. Reuben Kincaid, Bernie applebaum.

How are you?

(Laughs) Hi.

Well, in that case, I can give you this.

It's a thank-you note from my mother.

She wrote it as soon as we left. She wanted it hand-delivered.

Thank you, Bernie. That's very thoughtful.

Well, I guess mom and I will see you right after the performance tomorrow night?

(Sighs) Right.

Our first fight.

Well, you just blew a perfect opportunity.

Yeah, he would have walked right out of here into the sunset.

Sunset? Perfect opportunity? I don't understand.

(Sighs)

It's all right, Mr. Kincaid. Finish reading about the election.

Dewey lost.

(One day at a time playing)

Partridge family: ♪ do do do do do do do do do

♪ do do do do do do do do do

♪ now that I've seen ya I know that I love ya

♪ but I don't want to move too fast

♪ don't want to move too fast

♪ your love is the love that I want to last

♪ your love is the love that I want to last

♪ so if I seem to hesitate

♪ it's not because I changed my mind, no

♪ it's only because I don't want to lose

♪ what it's taken me so long to find

♪ it's taken me so long to find

♪ it's gonna be one day at a time

♪ one day at a time

♪ ooh, I'm gonna take yeah, I'm gonna take you

♪ one day at a time

♪ one day at a time

♪ ooh, I'm gonna make you yeah, I'm gonna make you mine

♪ I'm gonna make you mine

♪ I'm gonna make you mine

♪ first I'm gonna tell ya how much I want ya

♪ then I'll show ya that I need ya more

♪ show you that I need you more

♪ give you time to think it over

♪ so you know for sure

♪ give you time to think it over

♪ and when you say you love me

♪ I'm never gonna let you go, no

♪ so sit right back, enjoy yourself

♪ watch our new love grow

♪ watch our new love grow

♪ I'll take you one day at a time

♪ one day at a time

♪ ooh, I'm gonna take you yeah, I'm gonna take you

♪ one day at a time

♪ one day at a time

♪ ooh, I'm gonna make you yeah, I'm gonna make you mine

♪ one day at a time

♪ whoa, yeah ♪ one day at a time

♪ ooh, I'm gonna take

♪ yeah, I'm gonna make you mine ♪

Kids, would you go out with Reuben, please? I wanna speak to Bernie alone.

Looks like somebody's gonna get the ax, huh?

Never mind.

What are you gonna tell him, mom?

All right, come on, kids.

This is between Shirley and Bernie.

Good luck.

What are you gonna tell him?

Out.

(Sighs)

Shirley? You were wonderful.

Thank you, Bernie.

I was very proud of you.

Bernie, there's something I have to tell you.

Shirley... Bernie, please let me finish.

Shirley, let me just say one thing and then you can talk.

I can't marry you.

Okay, now...

What?

I just can't.

I thought about it a lot.

I've paced the corridors from geriatrics to pediatrics.

I guess I'm just not ready for the responsibility.

I've been a swinging bachelor too long.

You'll get used to it. Time is a great healer.

Bernie, it's all right, really.

I understand.

(Sighs)

Good.

What did you want to tell me?

Tell you?

Oh! Yes.

Well, my throat has been feeling sore lately.

Wait here. I'll get my magic bag.

Well?

He jilted me.

He jilted you?

Don't ask questions. Well, we can forget the drum.

The drum? The drum.

Yeah, we had it made up.

Just in case.