Original subtitles

♪ Hello, world, hear the song that we're singin'

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringin'

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we had a dream we'd go travelin' together

♪ and spread a little lovin' then we'd keep movin' on

♪ somethin' always happens whenever we're together

♪ we get a happy feelin' when we're singin' a song

♪ travelin' along there's a song that we're singin'

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringin'

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we'll make you happy

Shirley: Picnic basket.

Laurie: Right here.

Beach blankets.

Coming up.

Rubber duck.

Check.

Now, let's see. The pails, shovels and tubes are onboard.

And I have the bathing suits.

Have I forgotten anything?

Just a business license. We could open a cabana shop.

All right, let's go everybody.

All aboard!

It's like moving out with the third battalion.

(Phone ringing) I'll get it.

Children: Oh, come on, mom! Let it ring.

Only a minute.

Everybody on the bus.

Everybody off the bus.

(Children exclaim disappointedly)

(Sighs) Look, I'm sorry, but we can't go to the beach today.

Tracy: Why not?

That was grandpa on the phone. He and grandma will be here in 20 minutes.

(All murmuring disappointedly)

Listen, I'm as disappointed as you are, but what could I do?

Tell them to meet us at the beach.

Honey, I couldn't do that.

He said they have something very important to discuss with us.

Are they fighting again?

Grandpa said it was important.

Said it was something about their relationship.

They're fighting again.

Great. We get to play United Nations.

Grandma: Why all the long faces?

You kids look like you just lost your best friend.

Don't worry about that, mother. We were on our way to the beach...

It's a good thing we've come, Amanda. They need us.

Well, it's nice to be here. And I feel wonderful.

Grandpa: So do I.

When are you gonna start fighting?

We're not going to fight, Chris.

Your grandmother and I have rediscovered ourselves.

Shirley, we've spent a week in an encounter group.

And that's why we're here, to share the joy of honest expression with all of you.

You put that beautifully, Amanda.

Thank you, dear.

Encounter group?

Well, at least we're not the United Nations anymore.

No. Now we're an underdeveloped country.

How come you get more than me?

'Cause I'm bigger.

That's not fair.

Children, please.

Chris, if you want something more...

Grandpa: Just a second, Shirley.

That's just what grandma and I were talking about.

Now, Chris, what do you really want from Danny?

His love? To be like him? What do you really want?

The bone from the steak.

Is that all, really?

Yup. He got the bone last time.

(Clears throat)

Grandpa: Would you like to put that into words, Keith?

Hmm? You went...

(Clears throat)

That

(clears throat)

Means something.

I sang too much today.

My throat's a little dry.

Congested.

(Chuckling) Maybe his voice is changing.

Laugh, Shirley. Don't stifle it. Bring it out.

Mother, this is really getting silly.

I mean, all Keith did was clear his throat.

Okay, okay. All Keith did was clear his throat.

Right.

But subconsciously, he was doing something else altogether.

There's a lot of work to be done here.

We didn't come a minute too soon.

Is the committee on mental health up yet?

I don't think so.

Ah, good.

In that case, I'll just have a little juice,

clear my throat and get out.

Good morning, mother. Morning, Keith.

Morning. Morning.

Did you sleep well?

Oh, like a baby.

But I can't remember my dreams.

Mmm. You must be repressing something.

Shirley, I must talk to you about the children and their hostility.

A little while ago, I asked Laurie if she minded waiting

for the bathroom while I showered.

You know what she said? What?

She said she didn't mind.

What's wrong with that?

Her arms were folded in front of her.

(Sighs)

Mother, I'm not quite sure I follow you.

It's called body language. Words can lie, but the body doesn't.

Oh, I see. So Laurie had her arms folded in front of her for a reason?

Right. It was a clear demonstration of her anger.

I'm glad you can see that.

Oh, I agree, it was body language, all right,

but it wasn't anger.

Then what, may I ask, was it?

Laurie has no buttons on her robe.

Mommy, mommy, come quick! Grandpa's beating up Charlie!

Take that, and that, and that!

Dad? And that...

Huh? Oh, hi, everybody.

What are you doing?

Why, I'm taking out my hostilities.

I'm pretending this is grandma.

Isn't that wonderful?

Walter, I'm aware of some hostility in this room.

I feel it too, Amanda.

Maybe there's a window open somewhere.

More joking again. That hidden hostility.

You know, I have an idea that all of you should be in an encounter group.

Well, maybe someday.

Now, come on, let's all gather around.

Oh?

Tracy, you sit over there.

You mean now?

Well, there's no time like the present.

(Stammering) And Keith... all right...

Shouldn't we have a professional or something?

I mean, this could get out of hand.

Oh, now, Shirley, we don't need a professional to be honest.

Mother, I...

And you're resisting. That might be something to investigate.

Now, the first thing we're going to do is to bring everything out into the open.

If there are any feelings about each other that have not been expressed,

now is the time to do it.

Now who's gonna be first?

Well, isn't anybody going to say anything?

Danny, isn't there something about

one of your brothers and sisters that bugs you a little?

No.

No? Keith?

No. No, I'm fine.

Well, how about you, Tracy? Anything make you mad?

Yeah.

Grandma: Good, Tracy. What is it?

Well, grandpa gets me mad when he beats up on my Charlie.

You see that? I understand, Tracy, and I respect it.

I'll buy my own Charlie or beat up on grandma.

Good.

You see how brave Tracy was?

She was honest and look how good she feels.

As a matter of fact, there is something I don't like.

What's that, Danny?

Liver.

Ah, hidden hostility again.

Actually, there is something that makes me mad.

When Laurie takes too long in the bathroom.

I take too long?

(Scoffs) You're the one who reads whole novels in there.

I do not. I read Keith's girlie magazines.

You've been going through my desk again, haven't you?

Okay, that does it.

I want a lock on my door. I deserve a little privacy around this house.

Oh, look who's talking about privacy.

The one who always listens in on my phone conversations.

All right, I think...

I couldn't care less about your dumb phone conversations with Harvey klemptner.

Oh, see? There. He does listen.

You just better cut that out, Keith partridge.

Okay. I'll cut it out.

Just as soon as you stop imitating Mary Lou's voice.

(In southern accent) Why, I don't know

what you're talking about, honey child.

I don't understand such big words.

Very clever.

Hey, I get mad when you use my pick-up sticks to clean your fingernails.

Chris: They're my pick-up sticks.

Danny: You gave them to me.

You stole them...

(Children arguing)

Isn't truth beautiful?

There you are.

We're touching.

I see.

Mother, I want to talk to you.

Did the children come home from school yet?

I haven't seen them.

Oh, they were so beautiful last night.

Yes. So open and honest.

I'd like to practice a little honesty myself.

Good. You have no idea how wonderful it'll make you feel.

Look, I'm very glad that you two have found a satisfying way to live.

Well, I think that's just fine.

Oh, you're doing beautifully, Shirley. So, see how easy it is to relate?

But we have our own way.

I'm sure there's always room for improvement, but...

Well, I think right now we're just fine.

Shirley, are you... Are you trying to tell us to stop interfering?

In a word, yes.

Oh, that's all right, honey. We were leaving this afternoon, anyway.

Oh? Yes.

We've done all we can.

We've given you the essence of honesty and openness

and now we have an obligation to ourselves.

Besides, we're anxious to go home and start our new life.

Well, okay. I guess you know best.

We missionaries have to move on, you know.

Does this mean we can go back to our cheating, dishonest, happy old life?

(Doorbell ringing)

Mother. I know it's late, and I'm sorry.

What's wrong? Where's dad?

I've left him.

But I thought everything was so wonderful. All that honesty.

Yeah, it got too honest.

You know, Shirley, there's honest and then there's honest.

Grandpa was honest!

What happened?

Oh, he told me I'd lost my zip.

And then we honestly admitted that the marriage had lost its zip

and here I am, zipless.

Grandpa: But I said it for your own good! Grandma: Ah!

If you have no zip, it's up to me to tell you about it!

What about your jump?

What about my jump?

It ran away with my zip!

What's all the shouting in the garage?

Grandma and grandpa.

Grandpa's here, too?

He arrived at 5:00 A.M., and the fighting started at 5:01.

It's 7:30.

I have a feeling they'll take a break for breakfast.

I dreamt I heard grandma and grandpa screaming at each other.

(Sighs) It was no dream.

Well, I guess everything's back to normal.

Well, I'm gonna let the air out of my Charlie just in case.

Your grandmother and I have a little announcement to make.

We have decided that since all the excitement has gone out of our marriage,

we're going to get a divorce.

And after the divorce, we're going to live together.

In sin?

I told you that would shock them. They're not ready for the new morality.

Shirley, this will put the zip back into our relationship.

But I don't understand what difference it will make.

Well, we won't be bound by a contract, just by our own honest feelings.

Yeah. And we'll come and go as we please.

Does that mean you'll be dating other people?

If we care to.

I sense your disapproval.

Well, I'm just a little surprised.

I had a feeling that this problem might come up sometime,

but I thought it would be my children, not my parents.

Listen, since a divorce is a formality anyway,

why don't you just pretend you're already divorced?

Oh, that's a good idea. You see, that way, you'd save money and time

and still accomplish the same thing.

Keith: Right.

Say, that is a good idea.

And it might mean that we could get started right away.

Let's drink to our new relationship.

(Chuckles)

Somewhere in the world, there are two very unhappy lawyers.

Shirley. Shirley, I've got to talk to you.

Hi, Reuben.

Hi. I don't know exactly how to say this.

Maybe... maybe you ought to sit down or...

In the flowers?

Just say it, Reuben.

All right.

Your father called and asked me to get him a date for tonight.

Now, he was serious.

I know.

That's their new arrangement. They're gonna live together in total truth and honesty.

Sounds like radio free Europe.

What, are they getting a divorce?

A make-believe divorce.

A make-believe divorce?

Good. I'll get him a make-believe date.

He can close his eyes and pretend he's going out.

Reuben, wait. Do it.

Take him to a party or something.

Come on.

No, I mean it. I have a feeling if he goes out with you,

it'll drive him right back to my mother.

Shirley, the women I know are not exactly lady wrestlers.

Now, you may never see your father again.

The fantasy is always better than the reality and I'm sure he'll find that out.

Oh, please do it, Reuben.

I'm going to your opening at the boat house tonight, and I've got a date.

Good. You can double with my father.

Swell.

Reuben is fixing up grandpa?

Don't laugh.

That may be just what it takes to send grandpa running right back to...

Mother!

You look lovely. Where are you going?

Oh, I have a date tonight with an old friend.

A very distinguished gentleman.

We're going out for a quiet little dinner and then on to the boat house

to hear my favorite singing group. Ciao.

Bye, mother.

Aren't you gonna tell her?

Why spoil a quiet little dinner?

(Upbeat music playing)

(People chattering)

Are they having a good time?

(Sighs) I'm afraid so.

So far, it's a standoff.

(Chuckles) And so when we got there, it turned out to be a marathon dance.

I love stories about the depression. It's so... so depressing.

Tell us another story about the olden days.

Well, it wasn't all that long ago, Daisy.

But I wasn't even born then.

My mother wasn't even born then.

And then I bought united by-products and it skyrocketed,

and that's the deal that got me into who's who.

I bought some stock once...

Then came the Alaskan oil Wells.

You ever been to Alaska? Well, one time I...

The great outdoors. I love it. That's how I stay so young.

You ought to try it. Who knows, it might not be too late.

Announcer on P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen, the partridge family.

♪ Something new got old

♪ something warm grew cold

♪ something right for, oh, so long

♪ turned out so wrong

♪ you don't have to say goodbye

♪ I can read between the lines

♪ little things you say and do

♪ let me know I'm losing you

♪ and when friends all ask about you

♪ just like friends will sometimes do

♪ they wonder why you've gone away

♪ the only thing I know to say is

♪ something new got old

♪ something warm grew cold

♪ something right for, oh, so long

♪ turned out so wrong

♪ girl, I've had my share of takers

♪ go-between and promise-breakers

♪ I always landed

♪ always came up empty-handed

♪ oh, but when it came to you

♪ to me, your kind of love was new

♪ happiness and always giving

♪ something new to keep me living

♪ something new got old

partridge family: ♪ never thought you'd let me down

♪ something warm grew cold

♪ always said you'd be around ♪

Now, where were we? Oh, yes. I was telling you about my political ambitions.

Now, I'm convinced that the most important thing is image,

and I certainly have the image it takes.

Now, just the other day...

Would you excuse me? I'd like to go and see my daughter.

Oh, please, go on with your story.

Did you ever meet Teddy Roosevelt?

I think he's just a fascinating historical character.

Would you ladies excuse me, please? Reuben will entertain you.

Don't look at me, girls. I only go as far back as Truman.

Who?

You mean they've been up there all day talking?

They came out twice to gargle.

They're bound to resolve something by now.

Oh, yeah? Well, look at the Paris peace talks.

If you're waiting for a resolution, there isn't any.

Our problems are insurmountable.

But you must have come to some sort of an agreement by now.

We did decide we do want to be together.

That's good.

But not the way we are now.

That's bad.

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

You do want to live together?

But you don't want to live together the way you have been.

Right on.

I think this is where we came in.

Precisely. We're right back where we started.

Not quite.

But I think I know a way of getting you there.

(Wedding march playing)

We're gathered here today to bring together in holy matrimony Amanda and Walter

to renew their marriage bonds, start afresh,

to speak once again those words spoken many years ago.

Walter, will you repeat after me?

I, Walter, take thee, Amanda, as my lawfully wedded wife.

I, Walter, take thee, Amanda, as my lawfully wedded wife.

To love, honor and Cherish, now and forever.

To love, honor and Cherish, now and forever.

Minister: Now, Amanda.

I, Amanda, take thee, Walter, as my lawfully wedded husband.

I, Amanda, take thee, Walter, as my lawfully wedded husband.

To love, honor and Cherish, now and forever.

To love, honor and Cherish, now and forever.

Minister: The ring, please.

Hmm?

The ring.

Now, by the powers vested in me by the state of California,

I pronounce you man and wife.

Walter, you may kiss the bride.

Oh.

(All murmuring congratulations)

Minister: Congratulations, Walter.

(All cheering)

May I wish you two as many long and happy moments together in the future

as you've had in the past.

That gives them about 12 minutes.

You know, you two have renewed my faith.

Glad to see the institution of marriage isn't dead after all.

No. It just needs a little kick in the pants once in a while.

Right, Amanda?

The institution's all right. It's just the occupants that sometimes need the kick.

Get ready now.

What's she gonna do?

The one who catches the bouquet is the next to be married.

(Sighs)

(Sighs) You two ever considered a religious life?