Original subtitles

♪ Hello, world, hear the song that we're singin'

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringin'

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we had a dream we'd go travelin' together

♪ and spread a little lovin' then we'd keep movin' on

♪ somethin' always happens whenever we're together

♪ we get a happy feelin' when we're singin' a song

♪ travelin' along there's a song that we're singin'

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringin'

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we'll make you happy

(Engine revving)

Did you hear that?

(Knock at door) Sounded like a flying saucer landed in our front yard.

Well, if the person knocking has green skin, it's for you.

What's going on?

It sounds like someone's at the front door.

Really? How'd you figure that out?

One thing's for sure, he's not a sneak thief.

Maybe somebody's in trouble.

(Sighs) If they're not, they're gonna be.

(Doorbell ringing)

I'm coming.

(Knock at door)

Hey, hey! ¿que pasa?

Snake!

Mom, you remember snake.

How could I ever forget a name like snake?

Am I interrupting anything?

Our sleep. Do you know what time it is?

It's about 3:00 in the morning.

It's 1:30.

Hey, I made better time than I thought!

Snake, it's late.

It's later than you think if you happen to be a guy named snake.

What's wrong?

I don't want to talk about it.

I just came to say goodbye.

Goodbye?

Goodbye.

Hey, now I know why you don't use fingernail Polish.

You keep your fingernails clean.

You're all the nicest clean people I know.

That's why I came to say goodbye.

I've already said goodbye to all my greasy friends.

Snake, what are you talking about?

I don't wanna burden you with my problems. Can I have a beer?

We don't have any. So what?

Tell us about your problem.

Her is my problem.

Who's her?

Her is my girlfriend, one miss penny sweetweather.

I love her so much that I broke all the rules. I asked her to marry me.

And what does she do? She left me cold.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I should've known it. Penny's part cherokee Indian.

What's that got to do with anything?

She took everything from me. First Alcatraz, then my heart.

A guy can't go on without his heart, can he? So, right on. Goodbye.

Snake, what are you going to do?

The only thing left for me to do.

I'm gonna go out and kick my own bucket.

Thanks for the warmth.

Hey, clean hands, warm heart.

Mom, we can't let him go.

(Sighs) You don't really think he's gonna do it, do you?

No, but we can't take that chance.

I knew you'd come to save me. You're clean people.

(Inaudible)

Oh, poor snake.

You know, it was 4:00 in the morning before he finally got to sleep.

(Sighs) Yeah, well, I didn't get any sleep at all.

Why not?

Because snake sleeps with his eyes open.

And it makes me nervous when someone snores and stares at me at the same time.

Where he hangs out, that's a necessary talent.

I hope he's all right.

Probably shouldn't have left him at home alone.

Well, Reuben's there. Besides, he's probably still asleep.

I don't think so. Look.

(Sighs)

They ran over my flowerbed!

Now, don't say anything to them, mom. These guys are rough.

They squashed my chrysanthemums!

Well, I'll fluff them up.

Hi.

What's going on?

We have company.

So I've noticed.

I thought it'd be a good idea to call up snake's gang and invite them over.

You know, to cheer him up.

Move!

(People clamoring)

And you twist his arm until he cries "Uncle."

uncle?

Uncle. Uncle.

Uncle!

Okay, everybody out.

Man: Oh, man!

Okay, you guys heard the lady.

Everybody out.

(All murmuring disappointedly)

Hey, snake, if you can't figure a way to snuff yourself out, give me a call.

I'll help you think of something.

Hey, gorgo, man, that's nice, man, knowing somebody cares.

Well, they're all gone.

I'm gonna split, too. I gotta ride up to San Francisco.

Why San Francisco?

Sentimental reasons. I'm gonna jump off the building where I was born.

You can't hurt yourself jumping out of a basement.

You know, just because I'm passing myself on,

that doesn't mean that I can't take someone with me.

Snake,

look, you're not gonna jump off anything.

Be honest.

You know you're not gonna kick your own bucket.

Yeah, you're right.

I'll just jump out of the second story and break my leg.

Well, that's better.

You know, snake, you still haven't told us

what happened between you and your girlfriend.

I don't know what happened. I mean, we'd been riding together for two years.

She was always bugging me to marry her.

And I finally asked her to marry me. So what does she do?

She hung up on me.

She hung up on you?

You mean you proposed to her over the phone?

Yeah. Why not?

Keith: Oh, snake.

Well, snake, you don't propose to a girl over the phone.

A proposal is something that should be very... Very intimate.

It was intimate.

All I was wearing was my shorts.

What Laurie means is, a girl wants to be romanced.

A proposal is the most important thing in a girl's life.

Proposing over the telephone is, well, it's rather cold.

Yeah. Yeah, it was cold. I had goose pimples. Well, I was only wearing...

I didn't mean that.

Snake, do you love this girl?

Yeah.

Then let her know it. Propose to her in person. Show her how much you care.

Miss partridge, can I talk to you alone for a minute in the kitchen?

Well, sure.

(Sighs) I wonder what that's all about.

I think snake wants to find out how to treat a woman.

Danny: That's easy.

Oh? What do you do?

Punch them.

Maybe I'm just dumb.

But I just... What's wrong with proposing over the phone?

(Sighs) Snake, it just isn't very romantic.

A girl wants to be proposed to in person.

It makes her feel like a woman.

Well, she knows she's a woman.

I wouldn't propose to no guy.

Snake...

Listen, miss partridge, you got class.

You think you could teach me enough class to get penny to marry me?

Well, I don't know. Please!

Let me just practice proposing with you till I get it right.

Well... Please.

They've been in there a long time.

Well, you know how those things go.

Quick, we gotta stop him! Snake's freaked out!

I knew it. He pulled a knife on her.

No. He asked mom to marry him and she said yes.

Oh, poor snake. Mom caught him on the rebound.

Traitors!

Mom, don't do it. You're getting him on the rebound!

Mrs. Partridge, if I get married,

am I gonna end up with something like him?

(Doorbell rings)

I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'll get it.

I hate the seniority system.

Snake!

Hi. I just came by to show you what I look like before I propose to penny.

You like the threads?

You look fine.

Snake?

My proposing ensemble.

Hey, you look great.

Ah, thanks. I even bought her some candy.

Oh, look on the handlebars. I thought that'd be more original than flowers.

A potted palm.

Is that coconuts on it?

Yeah. If you're gonna show a girl you love her,

you gotta give her something big, right?

Yeah. She'll know that you went out of your way to get that all right.

I think penny will love it.

Boy, this is a day I won't forget.

Because it was the rottenest day of my whole life.

What happened?

I don't know what happened. I went to her house, just like you said.

I knocked on the door, just like you said.

When she opened it, I proposed, just like you said.

And then she slammed the door in my face, just like you didn't say.

Snake, I'm so sorry.

That's okay. It's no big thing.

Well, I'm glad to see you're taking it this way, snake.

After all, what's one girl, huh?

I mean, there are lots of fish in the ocean, right?

Yeah, right. Right.

In fact, I think I'm gonna go look up some of them fish.

That's more like it.

If anybody wants to find me,

I'll be in the San Francisco bay

with a motorcycle tied to my leg.

Let's go.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, Reuben. Come on in.

I saw snake's bike out front. How's he doing?

He's in the living room writing a "Goodbye cruel world" Note.

Ah. And he's still planning to... No.

We talked him out of that.

Now, he's gonna drop out of society.

He's never been in society.

Well, he's dropping out even more.

He's gonna become a hermit and live in an igloo in Alaska.

Ah, that's too bad. Alaska doesn't deserve that.

I'm having trouble formulating my farewell message.

Well, why don't you read us what you have?

Okay.

It says,

"goodbye."

that's it?

Yeah, so far.

I was wondering if I ought to capitalize "Cruel world."

oh, I would.

So would I.

Hey, Kincaid, first time you were right.

You know, I think there's only one way we're gonna be able to help snake.

I'll get the rope.

I meant talk to his girlfriend.

Do you know how I can find her?

Well, her name is penny sweetweather

and I think he said that she works at gilbo's five-and-dime.

That figures.

A girl named penny would have to work in a five-and-dime.

(Reuben sniggers)

Five-and...

Well, I guess you have to be a manager to understand a money joke.

Could you tell me where I might find miss penny sweetweather?

Oh, well, I'm penny sweetweather.

I bet you're interested in our new art collection.

This one is my favorite.

Central park. See the mugger?

Penny, I came here because of snake.

Well, snakes are in the toy department or the pet shop,

depending on whether you want real or rubber.

Your snake, penny.

Sorry, I'm busy. But he proposed to me over the phone.

He also proposed to you again in person.

Sure, in a coat and tie.

I had to ask his name before I recognized him.

He was putting me on.

I'm afraid the coat and tie was my idea.

Say, are you his new old lady?

No. He's a friend of the family.

Penny, he really loves you.

Yeah?

Ah, it wouldn't work, anyway. I wanna settle down, get a house, raise kids.

He's just not responsible. He doesn't care about anything.

Well, he's back at my house right now writing a farewell note.

A what?

He says if you won't marry him,

he's gonna become a hermit and go and live in an igloo in Alaska.

He must love me. He hates cold weather.

We gotta stop him before he ruins his back.

What?

If he goes up there, his water bed'll freeze.

Since gorgo's my best friend, I think I'll leave him my knife.

You don't wanna live in an igloo.

You'll catch your death of cold.

Que sera sera.

Snake, don't do it! Penny!

Don't do it. I'm not worth it.

Hey! If I say you're worth it, you're worth it.

You know, behind that clenched fist, there's a beautiful person.

Maybe that's why I love you.

You do?

Would you marry me?

If you promise not to freeze in Alaska.

You can't say "I do" If you have lockjaw

all over.

Penny, this is the happiest day of my life.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take that mechanic's job bent rentlow offered me.

You'd get a job for me?

Sure. I couldn't let you marry a bum.

Besides, it's good pay. It's nearly as much as I'd make stealing.

Oh, snake.

Oh, penny.

Oh, brother.

(Gang clamoring)

Mama, I have never seen anything like this before in my entire life.

What kind of person is my poor baby marrying?

Well, it's certainly not a social step forward.

Hey, Laurie, I mean, it's really cool of your old lady to let me have the wedding.

I mean, it's beautiful.

How do I look, huh?

Oh, you look great. I'm jealous.

No kidding?

No kidding.

You know when they throw rice at you after the wedding?

Yeah? Mine's gonna be soft-boiled.

(Both exclaiming)

Look at these people!

Oh, my poor baby.

I just hope the wedding isn't raided.

It's 3-to-1. Anybody else? All right, you're on. You're covered. Fine.

Hey, I got you over there. Anybody else? Step right up.

Hey!

I said no gambling at my wedding.

(All groaning disappointedly) Hey, I'm sorry, snake.

He was just giving 3-to-1 odds you'd chicken out.

You're kidding. I'll take 20 bucks of that action.

Snake...

It ain't gambling if you know you're gonna win.

Snake, it's time.

Hey, did you see the look on his face?

4-to-1! 4-to-1!

12-to-1!

Really, it'll be a nice short ceremony.

Good. Maybe it'll be over before the riot breaks out.

(Playing wedding march)

(Gang cheering)

Cool it! Cool it!

♪ Because you come to me

♪ with naught save love

♪ and hold my hand and lift mine eyes above

♪ a wider world of hope and joy I see

♪ because you...

Friends, loved ones,

and friends,

we are here to witness a young couple engage in the holy bonds of matrimony.

The vows for this ceremony were written by the groom.

By all that is holy and true, I love you my dearest.

We are forever joined,

as the red skies of sunset are joined to the pink clouds of sunrise.

We are ourselves, we are together, we are one.

Do you, penny sweetweather, take this man to be your husband?

I do.

And do you, hayman Timothy goodroe,

(inaudible)

Take this woman to be your wife?

I do.

The ring.

(Mouthing)

Then you are, forever, one person,

separate and together and one.

Well, where's the part about does anyone here object to this marriage?

I had to invite them. I mean, after all, they are my parents.

(Music playing)

Keith: ♪ I don't know, but I've been told

♪ the streets of heaven are paved with gold

♪ someday I may find out for myself

♪ so will you

♪ but till that day

♪ I've got to say

♪ ooh

♪ love must be the answer

♪ I've searched high and low

♪ I know love must be the answer

♪ you got it, you get it

♪ now let me be

♪ you got you get it, you got it

♪ now let some love inside

♪ are you searching for the key?

Partridge family: ♪ are you searching for the key?

♪ Just take my hand and follow me

♪ just take my hand and follow me

♪ bring along a little love to share

♪ it'll get you there

♪ why be lonely?

♪ You know only

♪ ooh

♪ love must be the answer

♪ I've searched high and low

♪ I know love must be the answer

♪ I got it, you get it

♪ now let me be your guide

♪ you get it, you got it

♪ now let some love inside

♪ la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la

♪ love must be the answer

♪ la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la

♪ love must be the answer

♪ la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la

♪ love

♪ love must be the answer

♪ oh, love

(Indistinct chattering)

Well, I must say, I'm glad they're married.

But I'm also glad it's over.

Yeah. Actually, I'm kind of sorry it is over.

That reception was a classic.

Yeah, they got some pretty neat gifts, too.

A pair of his and hers brass knuckles.

Did you see what penny got for the kitchen?

A butcher knife with notches carved in the handle.

(Doorbell rings)

Hi.

Hi, gorgo. Come on in.

Hey, I wanna thank you for having the wedding here. It was beautiful.

Yes, it turned out really nice.

Oh, yeah. I was moved.

Tears, actually... They sprung to my eyes.

I haven't cried like that since arny kunkle twisted my nose with a pair of pliers.

That's sweet.

Listen, the real reason I stayed is, well, snake's my best friend.

We grew up together. We always did the same thing.

Oh?

Yeah. Even when we were kids.

I mean, I got the measles, he got the measles.

I bought a motorcycle, he bought a motorcycle.

I broke my leg, he broke my leg.

Gorgo, what are you trying to say?

Since snake got married, I decided I'm gonna get married.

Hey, congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?

(Gasps)

I think you've met.

Mom, Keith.

Don't look at me. I think you make a cute couple.

Gorgo, you can't marry Laurie.

Why?

Well, she doesn't love you.

She'll learn.

You don't wanna marry her. She's too skinny.

Oh... right. I... I'm skinny.

Couple of gang fights will put a little muscle on you.

And ugly.

Right. Ugly as sin. Runs in the family.

Hell, I can live with ugly.

Gorgo, as much as I'd like to, I can't marry you.

I'm engaged to a policeman.

Don't worry, gorgo. You'll find some nice girl.

Sure.

Mrs. Partridge? Yes?

You look lonely. Out.