Original subtitles

♪ Hello, world, hear the song that we're singin'

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringin'

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we had a dream we'd go travelin' together

♪ and spread a little lovin' then we'd keep movin' on

♪ somethin' always happens whenever we're together

♪ we get a happy feelin' when we're singin' a song

♪ travelin' along there's a song that we're singin'

♪ come on, get happy

♪ a whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringin'

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we'll make you happy

♪ we'll make you happy

Mom, why do we have to do our homework now?

If you want to watch that TV special tonight,

you have to do your homework now.

If six ducks are on a pond

and three more ducks land on the pond,

what would you have?

Several hundred duck hunters.

Danny.

[Keith laughing]

Can you see me making pancakes?

Or me changing a tire?

Oh, mom, I have to do my homework.

Do we have any greasy overalls?

You can use mine if you'll loan me your apron.

Somehow I get the feeling I'm being put on.

No, no, the school is having experimental courses

to obtain better mutual understanding between the sexes.

Yeah, the guys have to take, uh, women's courses

to let them know how a woman thinks.

I have to take, uh, cooking, sewing, and of course,

etiquette.

That school's turning you into a sissy.

I think it's a great idea.

It's nice to know how the other half lives.Right.

The girls are taking things like self-defense and auto shop.

Oh, which reminds me, can I use the station wagon?

I have to practice changing a tire.

But you don't have a driver's license.

She doesn't need a license to change a tire.

Oh. Oh, and I need to use the kitchen.

I have to, uh, practice making pancakes.

Keith, someday you'll make a lucky girl a great wife.

Very funny. At least I have it a lot easier than Laurie does.

You do? Well, yeah,

I mean, there's nothing to cooking.

Oh, really?

Well, I have news for you. It's a lot harder to cook

than it is to change a few little nuts and bolts.

Well, maybe you're right, but men are good at both,

and women aren't good at either.

What? Well, I mean,

there are a lot of world-famous male chefs.

Name me one world-famous female mechanic.

Well, name me one famous male chef.

Uncle Ben, chef boyardee.

Laurie: Oh, come on, Keith.

Mom, he is saying that women are inferior to men.

Now, that is not what I said.

It's true, but I... Oh, really?

Well, I'll bet you that I can change a tire

better than you can fix pancakes.

Oh, be serious.

I am. It's a bet.

What's at stake?

Your brother's gigantic ego.

I'll, uh... I'll help you find the spare tire

just as soon as I'm done making the pancakes.

[Door slams]

[Sighs] Boy, she sure is a sore loser, isn't she?

She hasn't lost yet.

How's Laurie doing?

She finally found the spare tire.

Well, if you ask me, this whole bet is silly.

I agree.

And you can't ask a woman to do a man's job.

Oh, Reuben.

You sound like a male chauvinist.

[Rattling]

You don't really think she can do it?

Why not?

Keith isn't doing much better at a woman's job.

[Door opens]

Mom, will you show me how to sift flour?

Sift for yourself.

[Sighs]

I have a feeling mom's on Laurie's side.

It's just like the weaker sex to gang up on you.

Now come on, two cups sifted flour.

Yeah, well, I tell you, Danny,

I expected it.

You know, sympathy for the underdog.

She knows Laurie doesn't have a chance.

Way to go, Keith.

You'd be great at breaking up a riot.

[Sighs] Must have been doing it too hard.

Well, guess I'll just relax,

give my pancakes a chance to settle.

How's... oh, no!

[Coughs]

What are you doing, dusting for fingerprints?

Uh, a temporary setback. I'll clean it up later.

You certainly will.

Where are the pancakes? He hasn't made them yet.

You've been in here for an hour.

I know. I've been taking my time.

You know, making sure I do every step exactly right.

Oh, which step says throw flour all over the kitchen?

Maybe the superior male has bitten off more than he can chew.

[Sighs] Okay.

So I made a couple of mistakes...

[Door opens]

Well, if it isn't Andy granatelli.

How'd you get so greasy changing a tire?

Looks like she's been swimming in the Santa Barbara channel.

Uh, did you give up or just come in for an oil change?

Oh, I finished.

Keith: You finished?

Finished. How are your pancakes coming?

You're standing in them.

Oh, well, guess that means I win.

That's not fair. I wasn't trying.

Oh, I still win.

There was no bet. We didn't shake hands.

Come on, Keith.

Well, Shirley, if they didn't shake hands...

That sounds like a cop-out.

Face it, Keith.

I beat you. I beat you. I beat you.

Are you gonna take that?

Okay.

If that's the way you want it, let's have a real contest.

Something, uh... something a little more difficult,

like, uh... Chapter four, "gapping spark plugs."

Chapter four in your book's making spinach souffle.

I can't believe this.

Mom, I'm doing this for Laurie's own good.

I mean, someday she's gonna want to get married,

and what man will have her if she thinks she's as good as he is?

Oh! You're on!

Spinach against spark plugs!

When do we start?

Right now.

Well, you need "a pound of spinach."

One pound of spinach.

"Four tablespoons of butter." Four tablespoons butter, right.

"One cup grated cheese." One cup grated cheese.

"Five eggs." Now, just a moment.

You guys are ganging up on Laurie.

Reuben... Shirley, I am not playing favorites.

It's just that, well, a man's ego is at stake.

Well, it's not your ego.

So we're not really helping.

We're just advising.

[Clears throat] "One cup of milk."

It isn't fair.

[Sighs] Mom, if you'd like to advise for Laurie, that's fine with me.

"Three tablespoons whole-wheat flour."

Do we have any whole-wheat flour?

Ask Danny. I'm Laurie's advisor.

Don't tell me you bought your own set of tools.

[Scoffs] Of course not.

I liberated Keith's.

I figure if he can use our kitchen, we can use his tools.

I hope he has all the right equipment.

I think so.

The manual shows pictures of the tools we need.

Do you wanna run a check? Good.

Screwdriver.

Check.

Spark-plug puller. Check.

Spark-plug gapper. Check.

And I brought a few tools of my own. Hairpins.

Good idea.

Actually, it looks kind of easy.

According to the diagram, we disconnect the spark-plug wires,

take out the plugs, set the gap

at sixty-five-hundredths of an inch, and replace the plugs.

It's all laid out step by step.

Yeah.

There's only one thing the manual doesn't tell us.

Oh?

How do you open up the hood?

Okay. Now we need scallions.

[Sighs] What are scallions?

Wild horses.

That's stallions.

Scallions are like strong, tiny onions.

Tiny onions.

Okay.

[Sighs] Well, we don't have any scallions.

Maybe we should substitute garlic.

One dash of garlic coming up.

Okay.

Next ingredient.

"Garlic. Do not use more than one half clove."

What's a clove?

You know those six wedges of garlic you just threw in?

Yeah.

Well, that's five and a half cloves too many.

You ruined my souffle.

I can't go on.

[Engine idling]

Purrs like a baby, doesn't it?

Well, I wouldn't say it purrs like a baby.

I would.

Since all women are good for is having babies,

we should know what one sounds like.

Tell me, how is your spinach souffle coming?

Oh, we finished an hour ago.

Really?

Where is it? I'd like to try it.

Oh, it's in the backyard.

The backyard?

Well, it didn't come out exactly as we intended.

Keith: I thought I'd make a planter out of it.

Yeah, with a little varnish, it'll be great.

Liberated women, 2.

Male chauvinists, 0.

I knew she'd say that. So did I.

So did I.

Oh, hey, Keith. I heard about the male-female Olympics.

Thanks for making us girls look so good.

Keith, do us guys a favor.

Next time you try to show up the weaker sex, cheat.

Hi, loser.

Look, everybody's been hitting me all day

about losing that stupid contest.

They didn't even know there was a contest,

but suddenly they know I lost.

Now, how do you suppose they found out if I didn't tell them, huh? Huh?

I told them. I'll tell you how, you told them.

Oh, do you think I'd do a thing like that?

What I can't understand is why you did it.

I think it's because I won.

[Sighs] How can you reason with females?

They have no sense of honor.

Hey, fellas, it's white-thumb partridge.

[Boys laughing]

Hey, Keith, I hear you lost the big bake-off.

Yeah, well, maybe you heard right.

What happened? Don't tell me your cake fell.

[Boys laughing]

Something like that.

Hey, but you let a girl beat you.

Tell me, what's your secret for failure?

[All laughing]

Let's go, Keith.

[Sighs] Look, goose, I've heard this from people all day long.

Now, your friends may think you're very funny,

but I got to tell you, you're nothing new.

Pretty tough for a cookie cutter.

[All laughing]

Okay, look, if I said something you didn't like, I'm sorry.

Come on, Laurie. Let's go.

Just 'cause you're with a chick ain't gonna get you off.

Look, he said he was sorry. What more do you want?

I don't want "I'm sorry." I want "I'm sorry!"

I got nothing to be sorry for.

Don't get smart with me, baker boy.

Maybe you'd like a few ladyfingers stuffed up your lip.

[Crowd exclaims]

I should have done that.

Oh, I shouldn't have done that.

There you are.

It's all over school, isn't it?

I just wanted to take a look at the face of the girl

who ruined my entire life.

I didn't... why did you have to fight my battle and win?

I'm the laughing stock of the whole school.

I didn't mean to flip him.

It just sort of happened.Uh-huh.

Judo just does not just happen.

Well, they were teaching us in phys ed.

Honest. I didn't even think I was paying attention.

Yeah, well, they teach you to beat up guys,

and they teach me to beat up cake batter.

Why am I always the dummy?

You know, it hasn't been easy for me, either.

You know what they're calling me in school?

Flip Wilson. [Sighs] You know what they're calling me?

Geraldine.

Why did you have to butt in?

I was trying to keep you from getting hurt.

Well, it didn't work.

The only guy in this whole world

who's more humiliated than I am is goose.

[Sighs] Read this.

"To Keith partridge, I'm going to bend your chin.

"I'm going to mash your fingers

"so that the next time you flash a peace sign,

"you'll have to use both hands.

"Yours truly, goose walrath."

He gave this to you?

No. He pinned it up on the cafeteria wall

with a dagger.

I don't think he's bluffing.

What are you going to do?

[Sighs] Well, I've been...

[Clears throat] I've been tactfully avoiding him all day,

but he's got to catch up with me sooner or later, you know?

Well, I'm sorry I got you into this.

[Sighs] Yeah, well, it's not your fault.

I mean, you did save me from a punch in the face.

Thanks.

It's okay.

[Sighs] Look, the main thing is that we don't let mom know about this note.

[Knock at door]All she'll do is worry.

Keith?

Are you in some kind of trouble?

Uh, what makes you say that?

Well, there was a phone call just now from a boy named goose,

and he asked if the late Keith partridge was here.

Gin.

You know, I know you're dealing from the bottom of the deck.

But you're so short, I can't tell.

Hi. Hi.

Things go better at school today than yesterday?

What happened yesterday?

No, it's all over school about me and goose.

Beg your pardon? That's the guy Laurie beat up.

Oh.

With a name like goose, he must be tough.

Laurie,

is something bothering Keith?

I know it's more than just the teasing he gets.

What do you mean?

Well, the way he's been acting lately,

and that phone call yesterday asking for the late Keith partridge.

Oh. Well, like he said, it was just a joke.

Okay, look, I'm not supposed to say anything,

but I am worried.

Goose is out to get him.

I was afraid it was something like that.

Well, I'm home.

You're late.

Danny: It takes a lot longer getting home through back alleys.

Keith, I want to talk to you about goose.

[Sighs] You sold me out.

I don't want you fighting with that boy.

I don't want to fight him.

Why do you think I would...

Was coming home through back alleys?

If I talk to the school principal...

He'd be kicked out of school because

he's been in a lot of trouble before.

That would give him all the more time to look for me

and all the more reason.

Then I'm going to have to speak to him myself.

No way. I don't want you going near him.

I refuse to let that bully...

Mom, he's no bully. He's an animal.

He practices low blows by beating up midgets.

Well, Keith, we have to do something.

Well, he's not in any of my classes.

Maybe I can avoid him until this whole thing blows over.

It won't work.

He'll know exactly where you are all day Saturday.

What do you mean? The city's anniversary festival.

We're doing the concert in the park.

Posters are up all over town.

[Sighs] Oh, yeah.

[Claps hands]

Well, maybe he can't read.

[Sighs] Maybe we should cancel the concert.

I have a better idea.

Why don't we just move out of town?

That would solve everything.

What are you going to do?

[Sighs] Boy, I don't know.

It's something I have to work out by myself.

At any rate, we're not going to cancel that concert.

I do have some pride left.

There is one hope.

What is that?

Get Laurie to teach you how to fight.

Mom, can I practice low blows on Danny?

Yes.

Partridge family: ♪ na na na na

♪ na na na na na na

♪ ooh ooh ooh

♪ na na na na

♪ na na na na na na

Keith: ♪ god bless you, girl

♪ if this is it, don't explain it

♪ try to show me

♪ god bless you, girl

[partridge family humming] ♪ you can't explain

♪ there ain't a blessed thing you owe me

♪ come on, now, you know me

♪ I'm not the kind of guy

♪ who'll sit and wonder why

♪ you've played your hand and I've played mine

♪ and now it's just about that time

♪ I guess we reached the end of the line

♪ god bless you, girl

♪ 'cause you're free

♪ motivated by a spirit

♪ god bless you, girl

♪ I can see

♪ it's your ship and you must steer it

♪ no one's getting near it

♪ you just can't stay too long

♪ and sing that same old song

♪ the picture's yours, the clock is mine

♪ and now it's just about that time

♪ I guess we reached the end of the line

all: ♪ na na na na

♪ na na na na na na

♪ ooh ooh ooh

♪ goodbye, girl it's your life

♪ and you can live it

♪ ooh ooh ooh

♪ so long, girl

Keith?

Keith, did you see goose in the crowd?

Not a sign of him.

Told you he couldn't read.

Hey, baker boy, what's cookin'?

Goose.

How's it going, partridge?

What do you guys want?

Oh, I want to spin your nose around a couple times.

I want to sprain your face.

Same old thing.

[All laughing]

Now, wait a minute, goose.

What's this? Is your sister gonna fight your battles again, partridge?

Laurie... I'm not going to interfere,

but the law says that you have to be warned, goose.

My brother taught me everything I know about self-defense.

Why, he has a black belt in karate,

and his hands are registered with the police department

as lethal weapons.

Now, if you insist on attacking,

well, Keith can't be held responsible.

All I can say is that you're in grave danger.

[All laughing]

What's so funny?

Mom, this is goose.

Oh, it is?

Mr. Goose, I've been wanting to talk to you.

What is this? Now your mother's going to fight for you?

Mom, stay out of this.

I'm not just going to stand here.

Mom, please, let me handle this.

Okay, take your first swing.

I'm not gonna fight you, goose.

Goose: Hey, what's that?

I'll fight you for something I believe in,

but I'm not going to fight you just because your ego has been hurt.

It's just not a good enough reason.

Should have figured you'd run.

Uh-uh, I'm not going to run either.

I'm just not gonna fight you, that's all.

You mean, you're going to stand there

and let me take a poke at you?

[All laughing]

Whoo-hoo! goose, give him a shot.

You really ain't gonna fight, are you?

You know something, partridge?

You got a lot of guts.

Your sister's all right, too.

I'm very proud of you.

I'm not sure if you're awfully brave

or the biggest coward in the world.

Know something?

Neither am I.

Mom, will you help me with this problem?

Not until you try it yourself first.

You won't learn anything unless you do your own homework.

You know, she's right, Chris.

Practically those same words came out of the mouth

of the man who invented the cotton gin,

John Quincy Adams.

[Sarcastically] Boy, you're really smart, aren't you?

Well, for your information, the cotton gin was invented by Eli Whitney.

Eli Whitney?

Check.

Done with my homework.

Keith: Aw, come on.

No way. Now, leave me alone.

All right, what's going on?

[Sighs] All I wanted her to do was to show me how she flipped goose,

and she got all upset.

He doesn't just want to know, he's just making fun of me.

No, honest, Laurie, I really want to know.

I mean, someday when you're not around,

I may have to defend myself.

Mom, do you mind if I show him?

Why not, if that's what he wants.

You really want to know, huh?

Come on.

[Thud]Keith: Ooh!

Really rotten, low and crude.

Aw, not only that, but you caved in my homework.

[All laughing]

Yeah, well, it's not funny.

Have I ever caved in your homework?

No, no.

Boy, when you have something that's important to you, boy,

Keith is always there.

Yeah, well, it's real funny.

[Playing piano]

After you finish winding the yarn,

I'll start you on your first stitch.

Okay, I'll be done in a minute.

Will you hurry up? I feel like a loom.

Well, that's it.

Think I got it. Got what, honey?

My new song. What'd you think?

Hmm, it's very nice.

Laurie? It's great.

Reuben? I'd applaud, but I can't

bring my hands together.

Danny, uh, were you listening?

Yes, I was, Keith.

Well, what'd you think?

Your song has a haunting quality.

And?

A sensuous sound that can only be compared to chalk on a blackboard.

[Sighs]

Why did you have to be the only one listening?

I don't know.

That's a question I've been asking myself.

If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen reading snake man.

If you come up with something you think I'll flip over,

let me know.

[Sighs] Laurie, you have to show me how you flipped goose.

Come here.

Keith, enough is enough.

No, listen. I really, really want to know. Come on.

[Sighs] Okay.

Put your foot like that. Okay.

You swing your hips around,

and you flip. All right, great.

Great, thanks.

Oh, Danny, I have something you'll really flip over.

Keith... keith: Ooh!

[Thud]

Keith, you didn't?

I didn't.

It works.

You taught him to do it, didn't you?

Don't mess with Tracy, either.