Original subtitles

[Partridge family theme playing]

♪ come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ the five of us ♪

♪ and mom working all day ♪

♪ we knew we could help her if our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben to sell our song ♪

♪ and it really came together when mom sang along ♪

♪ come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪♪

[Gulping]

[Music plays loudly]

Ow!

Oh!

Laurie: I don't know where it's coming from.

Danny: What's going on?

Quick. Somebody, turn on the lights.

Reuben, they're on!

Okay, everybody, just stay calm.

Just stay calm.

Danny: What are you doing?

What do you think?

Didn't anybody ever tell you how to act

when there's a cat burglar in the house?

Panic?

Phone the police.

Wait a minute, Reuben.

What burglar is gonna break in

and let loose on an amplified sound system?

Anyway, that sounds

like a lot of instruments,

so it can't be one man.

It must be a whole gang.

Whole gang?

Either that or a man with 10 hands.

Well, let's find out, shall we?

I think I'll stay here.

But, Danny, there's nothing to be nervous about.

I'm not nervous.

I just think, if you don't come back,

there should be someone here to take care of the little ones.

Uh-huh.

[Loud music continues]

Gee, he's cute.

Laurie, there is no such thing

as a cute housebreaker.

[Guitar recording shuts off]

[Drum recording shuts off]

[Bass recording shuts off]

Hi.

Oh, that... That's it? "Hi"?

Um, well, no.

I... I mean, I'm... I'm sorry I woke you up,

but I didn't know you were back.

Uh, you see, I just couldn't wait any longer.

Wait?

How long have you been here?

Uh, about a week.

You mean you've been living in our garage for a week?

Well, i... I wanted to play you my music.

Couldn't you have chosen a more orthodox method?

Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Partridge,

but you see,

when I hitchhiked down here, I didn't know you were away.

And when you didn't come back,

I decided to record some tapes and leave them for you.

You mean that was all you on those tapes?

Yeah.

Well, that's fantastic.

How do you play all those instruments?

Fair.

Fair?

That sounded great.

Wait a minute.

Hold it!

You know, before we get into a musical appreciation hour,

we have a decision to make.

What's that, Reuben?

Whether to listen to his songs

or have him arrested for breaking and entering.

[♪♪♪]

Gee, I'm really glad you like my songs.

Not only do we like them,

we're even thinking

of recording a couple of them.

Hey, who says crime doesn't pay?

Where are the lyrics, Bobby?

Uh, yeah, well, that's kind of a problem.

I... You see, I don't have any.

You don't write lyrics?

Oh, yeah, I write millions of them.

All bad.

Bobby, we don't do instrumentals.

Well, I realize that, Mrs. Partridge.

It's just that I thought maybe you'd be able

to come up with somebody who could write the words.

Um, do you know any out-of-work lyricists?

I do.

Lionel Poindexter.

Who?

Remember about six weeks ago

we received a shoebox in the mail

filled with old shirt cardboards,

popsicle wrappers, and paper napkins?

I thought it was junk mail.

Well, they were lyrics, and they're terrific.

Here, read those.

"dear partridges...

"please put music to the enclosed verses,

"and make terrific hit songs out of them.

Your friend, Lionel Poindexter."

I don't know, Danny, it doesn't sound too promising.

Why not?

Well, somehow, I just can't take anyone seriously

who writes a business letter in purple crayon.

Also, he can't spell.

Neither can I.

Lots of geniuses can't spell.

But their own names? He spelled Lionel with two "L"S.

Lionel is spelled with two "L"S.

At the beginning?

Partridges and Bobby: ♪ ba-bum-ba, ba-dah-ba ♪

♪ ba-dah-ba-ba ♪

♪ bum-ba-ba-ba-da ♪

Shirley: Lionel's hometown was a stop on our next tour,

so we asked Bobby to join us.

Armed with a shoebox full of verses

and a busload of enthusiasm,

we headed for what we hoped

would be a successful partnership.

♪ Bum-ba-ba-ba... ♪♪

Man: Come in.

Mr. Poindexter?

Lionel: Be right out.

I'm having a little trouble with my doublet.

His what?

Mr. Poindexter?

That's right.

Did the landlady send you up to look at the apartment?

Uh... no. We came to see you.

Oh. She wants me to move out.

Why?

She thinks I'm crazy.

Look, would you mind

helping me off with my helmet?

I can't hear too well from in here.

Well, by all means.

That's better.

You see, i... I was just going to work.

Uh, you... you work as a knight?

Oh, yeah. Oh, not every day, of course.

Excuse me.

Turn on, stove.

You see, I got this job

distributing leaflets on the street

for a product called "Sir Lancelot plums".

They think the knight suit

will attract attention.

Excuse me, what did you just say?

Oh, I have this job that I just got...

No, no, no, no. Before that.

"turn on, stove"?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, why did you say that?

I wanted the stove to turn on.

So you talk to it?

Oh, well, it won't go on any other way.

You see, I rigged it up

so that the timber of my voice activates...

Well, I'm sure you're not interested

in all the technicalities.

Uh, Lionel...

Didn't you send these lyrics in?

What are lyrics?

Maybe you'd better take a look at these.

Oh, these are my poems.

Oh, now I see.

I think a girlfriend of mine must have sent them to you.

She thinks I'm a genius.

Yeah, well, uh, would you be interested

in collaborating?

At what?

Shirley: Bobby writes music.

He's looking for someone to write the words.

Well, I'm always interested in new experiences.

Shirley: Lionel,

we're staying at

the carriage house hotel.

Maybe you could drop by tonight about 8:00,

and listen to some of Bobby's music.

Will there be food?

Well, I'm sure we can have some sandwiches sent up.

Turn off, stove.

We'll expect you about 8:00 then.

Uh-oh.

I just had a terrible thought.

What?

I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Happens every time I get into this knight suit.

Well, don't let us stop you.

Will he be wearing his knight suit?

That's entirely possible, Danny.

Danny, if he is, pretend not to notice.

[Knocking]

Uh, hi.

This isn't a formal affair, you know.

Oh, this... This is my waiter suit.

You were working tonight?

Oh, no, I'm going to a wedding.

Oh, a friend of yours getting married?

No. I read about it in the newspaper,

so I decided to go.

This one's Polish.

It makes a difference?

Of course.

The food's terrific at Polish weddings.

Oh.

Uh, you want to come in and listen to my music?

Oh, that will be pleasant.

Great.

Well, what'd you think?

About what?

About the music.

Oh, it's probably very good.

You mean you're not sure?

Well, I'm not a very good judge. You see, I don't like music.

Well, why not?

I've been told by reliable sources

I have an ear made of tin.

You mean you're tone-deaf?

Yeah, but I'm sure you're very talented.

How can you tell?

Well, you look talented.

And you seem to play that banjo

very well too, Keith.

Thanks.

Well, um, the point is,

do you think you can write words to Bobby's music?

Of course.

Well, then you'll collaborate with Bobby?

Oh, I'd like that very much.

It will be nice to have a new friend.

You know, Lionel, if these songs click,

you could make a lot of money.

You mean this could be a paying proposition?

Definitely.

Oh, I see.

Do you mind if I ask a question?

Of course not.

How much does a swimming pool cost?

Oh, $5,000, I guess. Why?

Oh, I just wondered.

Well, I better be going.

I like to be there for the toast.

I'm getting so I can almost understand them.

Before I go, I'd like to say two things.

Oh, the liverwurst sandwiches were excellent.

And you're a very nice family.

You know, I've never met anyone quite like Lionel.

Yeah, well he is a little off-beat,

but I think he's kind of sweet.

Don't you, Bobby?

Yeah, I guess so.

I'm just wondering how long it's gonna take him

to come up with a lyric.

[Chattering]

[Music playing]

[Laughter]

[Sounds of partying continue]

What's going on?

Oh, I was just playing my party record.

[Recording shuts off]

Your party record?

I made it to impress a girl who used to live next door.

I don't get it.

I thought she'd think I was fantastically popular

if she heard me having a party every night.

And it didn't work out?

No. She just moved away on account of the noise.

Do you like girls, Lionel?

Of course. Well, that's terrific.

Why?

We finally found something we have in common.

Hey, maybe that story would make a good song.

Do girls make good subjects for songs?

They make terrific songs, Lionel.

What was her name? Bertha.

Bertha...

Don't you know any girls with more romantic names?

Well, I once went steady with a girl named Agnes.

No?

Well, that's about it.

That's it? Bertha and Agnes?

I'm not too successful with girls.

I like him, Shirley, but I tell you,

he lives in a whole world all of his own.

Well, even if you don't come up with a song together,

at least you've made a friend.

Yeah, but I don't know.

There's... there's something mysterious about him.

Mysterious?

Well, he has all those jobs,

but he doesn't seem to have any money.

And on top of that, he keeps disappearing

for hours on end,

and when I ask him where he's been,

he's... he's very vague.

More vague than usual?

Hard to imagine, but true.

Laurie: Mom?

Chris: We found Lionel.

Guess what?

We ran into Lionel in the lobby.

Yeah, and he's come up with a song.

You're kidding. Lionel, where is it?

I lost it.

Is that the name of the song?

No, I mean I wrote it on something,

but I can't remember what.

Can you remember what it was about?

Eskimo.

You wrote a song about eskimos?

No, I wrote it on an eskimo pie.

Well, let's find it before it melts.

It was on the wrapper.

Lionel, where was this?

Some place where you were today?

Bobby: Try and think, Lionel.

Wait a minute. I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

I got it.

I got it.

I'll go there right now.

I'll come with you.

This is yours?

It used to be a hearse.

Of course.

Why did you buy a hearse, Lionel?

Well, I was pretty sure

it had never been driven over 30 miles an hour.

Girl: Lionel!

Lionel, where are you?

Is Lionel here?

Well, no, not right now, but I'm a friend of his.

Will I do?

Are you as rich as Lionel?

Rich? Well, is Lionel rich?

Loaded. Isn't he?

Worth millions.

What makes you say that?

He just is.

He gives us things.

You mean, like candies?

Permanent things. Want to see?

Yeah.

Well, what did Lionel buy you?

Everything.

Everything?

He buys us a different piece

each month.

Lionel's something else.

Yeah.

He certainly is.

Lionel, I've said it before,

and I'll say it again,

you're weird.

But you're okay.

Well, I was raised here.

It's the least I could do.

Is that why you asked

how much a swimming pool costs?

Well, it's not bad here.

They provide the kids with all the essentials.

It's for the extras they don't have.

And you took on about six jobs

to take care of that.

Extras are important.

Lionel, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

If our songs click,

will you let me pay for half the pool?

You really want to do that?

On one condition.

You let me look at your eskimo-pie wrapper.

Yeah.

Yeah!

♪ Stephanie ♪

♪ whose eyes are blue ♪

♪ what would life be like with you? ♪

♪ I've just been wondering ♪

♪ and I'd sure like to see ♪

♪ if you've been thinking the same about me ♪

♪ and I'm doing all I can do ♪

♪ all but the growing that's up to you ♪

♪ Stephanie ♪

♪ your eyes are free ♪

♪ you can see things as they appear to be ♪

♪ I don't have to tell you how much I really care ♪

♪ you and I ♪

♪ both know the love that we share ♪

♪ and I'm doing all I can do ♪

♪ all but the growing and that's up to you ♪

♪ and I'm doing all I can do ♪

♪ all but the growing and that's up to you ♪

♪ and I'm doing all I can do ♪

♪ all but the growing and that's up to you ♪

♪ and I'm doing all I can do ♪♪

[♪♪♪]