Original subtitles

[Partridge family theme playing]

♪ Come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ the five of us ♪

♪ and mom working all day ♪

♪ we knew we could help her if our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben to sell our song ♪

♪ and it really came together when mom sang along ♪

♪ come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪♪

[Playing guitar]

[Doorbell ringing]

Chris: I'll get it! Danny: I'll get it!

I'll get it! Shirley: I've got it!

So cut it out, both of you!

I never get anything.

Me neither, and I'm bigger than you.

Hi, Reuben.

[Door closes]

All right, who did it?

Who did it?

Did what?

Who is responsible for Bonnie kleinschmidt?

Two Germans?

No, it goes a lot deeper than that.

Who's Bonnie kleinschmidt?

The girl who's been hounding me

since this morning.

The girl who yanked me out of my car,

threw me to the ground,

and began smothering me with kisses.

And that cop had the nerve to ask

if I was bothering her!

Why is she chasing you?

Because someone told her

I could get her into show business...

And that someone is a partridge!

Which partridge?

I didn't have a chance to ask.

I was out of breath from running.

I'm sure you must be mistaken.

I, I know that none of us would...

Danny?

I'm going to bed, mom. It's way past my bedtime.

Daniel partridge,

you come down here this minute.

Couldn't I at least say my prayers first?

What ever gave you the idea you could operate

your own lonely hearts club?

I didn't think I was doing anything wrong.

What you said is Reuben needs a wife.

I need a what?

I told them to get you a goldfish,

but they wouldn't listen.

[♪♪♪]

I hope you learned something from all this.

I sure did.

I learned Mr. Kincaid has rotten taste in girls.

If I liked girls, I'd like Bonnie kleinschmidt.

That's your opinion.

No, honest.

I talked to some other guys... 12, 14-year-olds.

They all give her figure an x-rating.

But looks aren't everything.

Yeah, but I don't know too many girls with money.

Well, there are other things.

A girls should have a nice personality,

common interests...

Like cathleen Darcy.

Who?

Oh, she's a girl I used to work with at the bank.

She's very nice.

As a matter of fact, she'd be perfect for Reuben.

Hey, that's great. I'll go call him.

Hold it right there.

But think of poor Mr. Kincaid.

We can't let an opportunity go by.

He can't have too many chances left.

I think I'll give a barbecue on Saturday.

I'll invite them both, separately,

so that if they don't hit it off,

they won't be stuck with each other.

Hey, that's a great idea. It's sneaky.

I prefer to think of it

as being tactful.

I'm glad you approve.

It's late.

Good night, honey.

[Dog whimpering]

[Barks]

Anybody for another Reuben burger?

No, thank you, but I must say,

those were the best hamburgers I've ever tasted.

This isn't exactly the best hamburger

I've ever tasted.

Well, that must have been

the one I dropped.

Shirley tells me you're in business

for yourself now.

Yes.

I, I manufacture cosmetics.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Cathleen...

You know, that's been a favorite name of mine

since, since I read the book,

cathleen the great.

Pass the pickles, please.

I think you must mean Catherine the great.

Well, in the reader's digest version,

they shortened it to cathleen.

Reuben, would you pass Danny the pickles, please?

Oh, my cake! I brought a cake.

Uh, strawberry cream.

I love strawberry cream.

I'll get it.

No, that's okay, I'll serve.

I'll help.

Here are your pickles.

No, thanks. I don't like pickles.

I think Reuben really likes miss Darcy.

I think it's a little more than that.

He's in love?

Him?

Sure, couldn't you tell?

He was looking at her

like you look at your catcher's mitt.

Boy, he's got it bad.

[Partridge family's "she'd rather have the rain" plays]

♪ Can't get her out of my mind ♪

♪ I see her face wherever I go ♪

♪ she didn't say it but I know she doesn't love me ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ I thought that I was king ♪

♪ she didn't want to play my game ♪

♪ if I had the sun to give her in the morning ♪

♪ she'd rather have the rain than anything I could give her ♪

♪ I'd give her anything that you'd care to name ♪

♪ she'd rather have the rain ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ today I had to realize ♪

♪ that every dream just can't come true ♪

♪ I know there's nothing I can do to make her want me ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ I could take the sun from heaven ♪

♪ tie it to a silver chain ♪

♪ bring it so it shines upon her through the morning ♪

♪ she'd rather have the rain than anything I could give her ♪

♪ I'd give her anything that you'd care to name ♪

♪ she'd rather have the rain ♪

♪ rather have the rain rather have the rain ♪

♪ rather have the rain ♪

♪ rain ♪♪

Okay, we're all here.

What's so important?

Well...

You're probably wondering why we're...

That is, you're probably wondering why

you're all gathered here.

You just said that. Shh!

Well, uh...

This is something I haven't told anyone.

Cathleen and I are... We, uh...

I mean, she and I,

we're, uh...

We're getting married.

[All talking at once]

Oh, that's great!

Oh, congratulations.

I'm so happy for both of you.

Shirley: Reuben.

Hey, guess...

Guess where we're going on our honeymoon.

Disneyland.

[Laughs]

We're going to Paris.

In fact, we decided to get married in Paris too.

What's Paris?

It's kind of a Disneyland

for grown-ups.

Laurie: Well, what are your plans?

I mean, after the honeymoon.

Are you gonna buy a house?

Are you gonna have kids?

[Laughs]

Well, none of those right away.

Of course, we all know that Reuben has

a marvelous business ability.

We all kid him a lot, but we're all very aware

of Reuben's business ability.

Well... Yes, the thing is,

cathleen wants to utilize my marvelous business ability

uh, in her company.

And, uh...

It's really hard to split hairs with a dull ax.

You're pretty funny, Mr. Kincaid.

No, I'm not funny.

I mean... you see,

a guy can't really have two full-time jobs.

He either has to do both bad or neither good.

You know how shrewd I am.

I haven't got enough to cut in half.

And besides, a married man

can't go running around the country like a bachelor.

A man has to have roots,

and no man can have roots like that...

Except maybe plastic man.

It's all right, Reuben.

We understand.

Do you really? I mean, really.

Of course.

We're all very happy for you.

[Sighs]

I'm glad I got that off my chest.

I feel better already.

Look at the bright side, Mr. Kincaid.

We're not losing a manager.

We're gaining a, a...

Actually, we're losing a manager.

[Sighs]

So that takes care of the contracts,

reservations, and the maps.

And don't forget to contact Mr. Apperson

as soon as you arrive in Seattle.

He'll handle the publicity.

Well, I guess that about covers it.

I appreciate your handling this booking for us.

Well, I wish I could go.

Actually, I should go. I mean, it is my last booking.

Well, doggone it, why not go?

Because you'll be in Paris getting married.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it wouldn't hurt to put that off for a week.

Reuben, are you getting cold feet?

Yeah.

Just about the worst case of frostbite you've ever seen.

What's wrong?

Faults.

Well, everyone has faults.

That's the point. She doesn't.

There's something wrong with a girl

who doesn't have faults.

How could a guy ever adjust to that?

She couldn't be perfect. She's in love with you.

Boy, I never thought you'd turn against me.

Reuben... I'm on your side.

It's just that I think you're copping out.

It's normal for everyone to get cold feet

before their wedding,

and that's all you're doing.

Do you think it could really work out for us?

If you really love each other.

I guess you're right.

But I still wish

she wasn't so darned perfect.

Well, I gotta go.

Guess I won't get to see you

before you leave.

Tell the kids I said goodbye.

They'd rather hear it from you.

Do I have to?

Yes.

Well, what if I choke up?

Well, just let them insult you as usual.

[Playing stops]

Hi, Reuben.

Hi.

That really sounded good.

Thanks.

Uh...

I just dropped in to say goodbye and good luck.

So, uh, goodbye and good luck.

Thanks. Same to you.

Thanks. Listen, same to you.

Thanks. Same to you.

Yeah, well...

Let's all walk Reuben to the car. Come on, kids.

Aren't you coming with us?

No.

What's the matter?

I hate goodbyes.

Indians never say goodbye.

But we're not Indians.

I'm not a truck driver either,

but I observe labor day.

You're really upset about Reuben leaving us,

aren't you?

Who, me? Not a chance.

I just don't wanna go to all the trouble

of breaking in a new manager.

There's been some mistake

concerning our room.

No, no, it's lovely.

Uh, there are six of us.

We were supposed to have a suite.

What are you doing, Chris?

Unpacking.

Please don't unpack any more until I get off the phone.

Yes, I'm still here.

But we can't all stay in this small room.

Yes, all right.

Just let us know if anything opens up,

will you, please?

Thank you.

Honey, this goes in the bathroom.

What's happening, mom?

There isn't a hotel room to be had.

There's a convention in town.

What kind of a convention?

Oh, who knows?

It's probably the city planners

discussing urban overcrowding.

Hey, what are these publicity pictures

doing here?

I thought they were gonna go to the newspaper

this afternoon.

Mr. Apperson never answered

my telephone call.

Tracy: I found it! I found it!

[Mowing]

Tracy, couldn't you mow the rug later?

I never have any fun.

Bad news.

What a shame.

Everything's been going so well.

I just checked out the sound system.

Two tin cans and a string

would have worked better.

[Telephone rings]

Honey, go and help Laurie with the things.

Hello?

What?

Three shows on Saturday night?

Well, no, I didn't know.

I don't permit my children to stay up that late!

It's in the contract? That couldn't be.

Laurie, get those contracts out of that suitcase.

No, no, no, the other one.

They want us to do three shows?

Reuben would never agree to that.

I wish Reuben were here to straighten this out.

You don't need Reuben. You've got me.

I'm sorry. I know it isn't in the contract.

Just let me get my copy, please.

[Knocks on door]

Oh, oh, just, just a minute.

[Knocking continues]

[Mowing]

Now, about that contract?

Hello? Hello?

[Buzzer sounds]

Hello?

Just a minute.

For me?

I thought this was an unlisted car.

Hello?

Danny: Mr. Kincaid? Danny partridge here.

I hope I'm not bothering you.

Absolutely not.

I was just sitting here waiting for your call.

How are things going in Seattle?

Down the tubes.

Why? What's the matter?

We're having trouble with the manager.

He says according to the contract,

we have to do three shows on the weekend instead of two.

Is that possible?

Absolutely not!

They'd have you doing breakfast shows

if they thought they could get away with it.

Your contract specifically says

two shows per day, period!

Now, I'll call first thing in the morning

and straighten that out, so don't you worry.

Thanks, Mr. Kincaid.

I knew you wouldn't let us down.

Other than that, how are things going?

Oh, fine. Except for the fire.

What fire?

Oh, the fire we had

when the electrical system in the car shorted.

But no one was hurt.

What car?

Oh, the car we had to rent when the bus broke down.

Other than that, I guess everything's okay.

Except we miss you.

Well, I miss you too, Danny.

Say hi to your mom

and the other kids for me.

Okay, thanks. Goodbye.

That was Danny.

Sounds like the family's really having problems

this time.

I'll bet this is one trip

you're glad you've missed, huh?

Yeah. A real headache.

And traveling all over the country

in a bus with five kids.

Oh, that must be miserable.

You're trapped with them.

No matter which way you turn,

you're at their mercy.

Oh, and they're so noisy.

Go down through there, over around that,

and back up this way.

Thanks a lot.

[Knocking]

Oh, um, come in.

Hi, Reuben.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Where's cathleen?

Uh, she's not with me.

Well, what about the wedding?

Oh, you wouldn't believe my rotten luck.

Well, what happened?

A terrible tragedy, actually. She had to go to Ireland.

A wealthy uncle died, left her a fortune...

And a baronial castle.

That's bad news?

Well, her uncle thought so.

However, she inherits everything

on the condition that she never marries.

It's a family tradition

not to allow outsiders in the family.

So I did the only gentlemanly thing.

I released her from her promise.

Now tell us the one about sleeping beauty.

Some other time, kid.

I gotta go try and find a room.

It's like the battle of the bulge out there.

Reuben! Wait!

I have a few problems I want to discuss with you.

All right.

Aren't you going to to tell me

what really happened?

Sure.

Well, cathleen inherited this castle in Scotland.

Ireland. Right, Ireland.

But her uncle was... Scottish.

Come on, Reuben. I don't believe that.

How about a brewery in Germany?

Okay.

I found cathleen's flaw.

At least, it's a flaw with me.

She doesn't like baseball.

You don't like baseball either.

Yeah, well, I never claimed I was perfect.

Okay.

She doesn't like kids.

I mean, if you're gonna be silly enough

to get married,

you might as well be silly enough to have kids,

otherwise... It's silly!

But I can't tell your kids that, though.

Boy, they'd never let me live it...

Danny: Guess what! Mr. Kincaid likes kids!

I can't get a break.

I can't get a break.

Keith: Oh, man, is it great to be home.

Laurie: I'll say.

Shirley: Oh, what a long hectic trip.

Chris: No, it wasn't.

We got to play with Reuben for two whole days.

Tracy: And it was fun!

Oh, yeah, a real ball.

I haven't had so much fun since I rode on a troop train.

Mom, do you have the keys to the house?

Oh, yeah. How about that?

Let's play a game, Mr. Kincaid.

Yeah.

Kid, you'd be great

at getting information out of the enemy.

Come on, we know you like kids.

It's all over town.

What did you do? Wire ahead?

Come on, let's play a game.

Yeah, let's play a game.

Okay. Okay.

Let's play a game called "lost."

How do you play?

Well, uh... I'll hide my eyes,

and you three kids

run away from home, far and fast.

And keep running, until you're lost.

Then what?

Two or three weeks, I'll come look for you.

If I find you, I lose.

What if you don't find us?

Well, then I win.

Remember when I told you

how Mr. Kincaid didn't get married

because he likes kids?

Yeah? Yeah?

Well, I think the honeymoon's over.

[♪♪♪]