Original subtitles

[Partridge family theme playing]

♪ come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ the five of us ♪

♪ and mom working all day ♪

♪ we knew we could help her if our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben to sell our song ♪

♪ and it really came together when mom sang along ♪

♪ come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪♪

Logan.

Are you or are you not a concert promoter?

I am.

The hippest in the business,

according to some,

those who know me best.

And did you or did you not

offer the partridge family a tour of Europe?

Right on. Tell it like it is, baby.

It's like this.

Let's work out the contract.

Now, how much are you offering for expenses?

[Snaps finger] Whatever you want.

Hey, baby, it's just bread.

I mean, as a human being, I offer you all that I have.

Well, $1000 a week should do it.

But as a promoter,

I can only spare $150.

That's ridiculous!

It's not enough for food.

[Knocking] Fast, man.

Hi.

Hi, Shirley.

All right.

We're almost finished.

This is Logan mays.

Oh. How do you do, Mr. Mays?

I'm pleased to meet you.

Can you dig it?

It's what's happening,

the handshake of the hip.

Looks like a thumb wrestling contest.

My children are so excited about the European tour.

They've been packing for two weeks.

I must say, I'm rather excited myself.

We've been rehearsing some new songs...

Oh, Reuben, Reuben.

Haven't you told Shirley?

Told her what?

About the tour, man.

European kids don't dig adults

messing around on their thing.

I mean, who's gonna buy a band

being led by a middle-aged lady?

I beg your pardon?

Are you saying

you don't want Shirley to sing on the tour?

It's in the contract.

Oh, no offense, sweetness,

but I know what my people dig,

because I'm one of them, you know?

You're at...

At least as old as I am!

Older, physically,

but in my head, I am 18. Ooh!

You come back when you're of age.

In the meantime,

give this contract to your father,

and tell him the deal is off!

[♪♪♪]

But if it looks like a boot, why don't they call it boot?

Why do they call it Italy?

Why do they call Turkey Turkey?

It doesn't look anything like a Turkey.

And you don't look

anything like a partridge.

Oh, Europe.

I can hardly believe we're going.

It's almost like a dream.

It is? Uh-huh.

I don't wanna go. Why not?

Because I dream of monsters.

The gall of that man.

He shakes your thumb with one hand

and goes for your throat with the other.

Those kids were really looking forward

to this trip.

Tracy wanted to meet hansel and gretel.

Danny wanted to see where the kaiser lived.

Kaiser?

Reuben, I don't know what I'm gonna tell them.

You know, maybe Logan's right.

Maybe I am holding them back.

Shirley, now, that is absolute nonsense.

No, I mean it.

What's a woman my age

doing singing with a bunch of kids

that are old enough to be...

Well, my kids.

Yeah, you know,

I know why you're talking this way.

You just want the kids to see Europe,

so you're gonna make sure they go.

Well, I don't think they're gonna want to

when they find out the conditions.

That's why we're not going to tell them.

We have to tell them something.

I mean, they're gonna be a little suspicious

if you just stop hanging around.

You get those contracts back,

and I'll sign them.

We'll tell them tonight at the party.

Party?

My retirement party.

Chris: It is too hair.

It's a hat.

The guards at Buckingham Palace wear hats.

Nobody's gonna hire guys with hair like that

to protect the queen.

That makes sense.

Boys, no reading at the table.

Mm.

Braised artichokes, creamed mushrooms, squab.

What happened? The freezer break?

I decided to make something extra special for you tonight

since I have something important to say.

What's that?

I've told you the contracts for the European tour

have been signed. Yay!

Keith: That's great. I will be going.

I mean, we'll be together,

but I won't be singing with you.

What do you mean?

Mom, what are you saying?

I decided to go into retirement.

I want to be a normal mother again.

But we like having an abnormal mother.

I'm tired of show business.

I want to relax a little.

I want to have a little more of...

Well, this.

What's so thrilling about a dead bird?

Danny...

Yesterday morning

she was really excited about going to Europe,

and last night she retires.

It just doesn't make sense.

It sure doesn't.

She should have at least given you

a two-week notice.

Well, here it is, my favorite restaurant.

Reuben, what happened?

Hey, they got the window fixed.

Well, I hope the place

isn't under new management.

Hi there.

Is, uh, my table ready?

Your what?

Don't bother seating us.

She must be new here.

Thank you.

Okay.

Order anything on the menu, kids.

My treat.

We want to know how come mom's suddenly leaving the group.

That's not on the menu.

Reuben, if you know something we don't,

you may as well tell us,

because we're not going on that tour without her.

Look, I'm sure your mother

didn't make her decision lightly.

The important thing now

is for all of us to get behind her...

[Telephone ringing]

Help her to explore

the rich challenge of domestic life.

Oh, we may not understand

this new life she's chosen,

but we can pretend we do.

Reuben, please, I feel like standing up

and saluting

a piece of apple pie.

Out of apple.

Uh, is there anyone at this table

who is an uptight, middle-aged man,

who's unable to relate openly and directly

to other human beings?

Why?

Well, there's a phone call for him.

A guy wants to talk to a Reuben Kincaid

or something.

A call? For me? Right.

Well, would you mind bringing the phone to our table,

please?

No, I don't mind.

Would you mind helping me tear it off the wall?

I'll be right back.

Yes?

Oh, Logan.

Sure they're going.

We have a contract, don't we?

Yes, yes, the conditions have been met.

I can't talk now.

I can't tell you why I can't talk now.

Because I can't talk now.

Kids, where are you going?

Sorry, we can't talk now.

Yeah...

[Film camera whirring]

Underground film?

Hey, that's where it's all at, baby,

and I'm moving in.

Small budgets, dedicated crews,

real people,

not actors, but people like...

Well, like me.

Move in here for a close-up, kid.

Logan mays,

the guy Bob Dylan calls...

Beautiful.

Mr. Mays... Call me Logan, man.

We are on the same side of the barricade.

Look, do you have any idea

why mom suddenly dropped out of the group?

Hey, I like that. Direct, human, sincere.

Did you get that?

Beautiful.

When the tour is over,

you may have a place in my movie.

We're not going on any tour, not without mom.

Did you have something to do with mom quitting?

Look, what has she ever done for you?

Buy her a library card. She'll forget all about you.

Believe me,

I am doing you a favor.

So you did have something to do with her quitting.

Look, kid, I know the market.

It is bearish for performers over 30.

Well, the partridge family is bullish on staying together,

you... You home wrecker.

Home wrecker?

Hey, I like the ring of that.

Home wrecker.

Well, forget it...

Because the partridge family

wouldn't do a tour of Disneyland for you.

But you're forgetting something.

Shirley signed the contracts.

Contracts can be broken.

Yeah, well, you break this one,

and you'll find

that the partridge family's gonna end up

like sky and the four clouds.

Who are they? Right on.

Hey, business is business,

but can't we be friends, huh?

Hey, you getting all this?

Because this is heavy stuff.

I am showing these kids my innermost feelings.

You have no innermost feelings.

She's home. All right.

Now, remember,

we have to convince mom how much we need her,

so let's do it wrong and get it right, okay?

Okay.

We're gonna pick it up from the chorus.

[Sloppy, out of tune] ♪ baby, I love ♪

♪ baby, I love you baby, I love you ♪

♪ baby, I love love, love, love ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ baby, I love you baby, I love you ♪

♪ baby, I love love, love, love ♪

♪ I love you ♪ all right, hold it, hold it.

Danny, you lost the tempo.

I just can't keep time without mom.

Laurie, you're supposed to come in when...

Hi, kids.

Oh, hi, mom.

Oh, mom. Oh, hi, mom.

That sounded pretty awful.

What's wrong?

Oh, uh, nothing, really.

I heard your singing, and I must say,

it was a bit, um... Sloppy.

Oh, mom, you've got enough to do with your housework.

We can work this out ourselves.

Yeah.

Mom, we just can't make it without you.

Well, I don't think you've been trying, have you?

We are trying,

but it's not working.

We've lost our sex appeal.

Danny, you don't even know what that is...

Or do you?

Not me, mom.

I just know it's something you've got.

She doesn't.

Sex, sex, sex.

That's all you ever think about.

It was a nice try, kids,

but it won't work.

I'm not coming out of retirement.

Mom, we know.

We went to see Logan mays.

I thought so.

All right, so you know,

but Logan mays didn't force me into retirement.

This was my own decision.

He just got me to thinking that maybe you kids

ought to see what you can do on your own.

Mom, you're not holding us back.

Did Laurel hold back Hardy?

Did abbott hold back costello?

Did Charlie hold back chaplin?

Danny, I think you've helped enough already.

My mind's made up.

Anybody need anything

from the supermarket?

Yeah.

What?

A lead singer.

We are ready.

We've been practicing the new arrangements all week.

A week?

Well, that's not much time.

But, Reuben, we need some feedback from a live audience.

Bouncing our tunes off the walls of a garage

isn't enough.

Just a one-nighter in a small club.

Say, the ark.

And it would give Logan mays a chance

to see the new act he's promoting.

Well, I guess I could arrange it.

Well, what does your mom say?

Well, lately, all mom says is,

"coffee, tea, or milk?"

How do we look, mom?

Lovely. Just lovely.

Well, I guess we'd better get going.

Yeah, we're gonna be late.

I'll get my coat. No!

You can't go, mom.

I can't?

No. Uh-uh.

Why not?

Tell her why not, Laurie.

Uh, because...

Well, since you've left the group,

we've got to learn how to do things by ourselves.

Right.

Well, maybe they're right, Shirley.

Your being there might distract them.

Well, I hadn't thought of that.

I certainly wouldn't want to make you nervous.

Uh-uh.

I guess you'd better get going. Bye, mom.

Bye. Bye-bye, mom.

Good luck. Bye, mom.

Goodbye, honey.

I'll take care of them.

Don't worry about anything.

Reuben, you know I don't worry.

Sure.

Bye. Bye. Uh, Reuben?

Yeah?

Um, look,

make sure Tracy isn't chewing gum

before she goes on. Okay.

And, um... see that Chris and Danny

don't get the knees of their pants dirty.

That always happens.

And make sure that Keith has his guitar pick.

I'll make sure.

I'm glad you're not worried about anything.

Actually, it all happened for the best.

Uh, I have lots to do while they're gone.

Oh? Like what?

Well, like...

Get going.

Bye. Bye.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat.

As a surprise added attraction,

here to sing a brand-new arrangement

of their big hit,

"baby, I love, love, I love you"...

The partridge family!

[Sloppily playing "Baby, I love, love, I love you"]

[Off-key] ♪ isn't it time time you tell me ♪

♪ am I losing my touch? ♪

♪ I've heard you call me, girl it's more than enough ♪

♪ you were so good to me, girl I needed you to go on ♪

♪ we had ourselves a good thing ♪

♪ is it over and done? ♪

♪ I need some time to think ♪

♪ to get myself together again ♪

♪ time to think ♪

♪ I got to get on my feet again ♪

♪ the woman I used to love ♪

♪ ain't the woman I see today ♪

♪ the woman I see today... ♪♪

hi.

Ah. Halt. Achtung.

Some hippie.

I bet he has relatives living in Argentina.

I think the expression is,

nobody likes a wiseacre.

What's a wiseacre?

It's an expression

middle-aged 18-year-olds use.

Don't put me on.

Now, I know you messed up on purpose,

and I know why.

You didn't like the act, huh?

Keep it up, kid,

and your nose will grow long.

Now, I don't like people trying to con me,

so I suggest you kids put it together fast,

or I sue for breach of contract.

How's that for bridging the communications gap?

[Doorbell chimes]

Hi. How'd it go?

They loved our outfits.

Oh, kids...

Actually, we got a lot of laughs.

None of them from Logan mays.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's probably just a matter of practice.

You just need a few more weeks' rehearsal.

It's no fun without you, mom.

We don't want to go on the tour if it means splitting up.

But it doesn't. I'll be with you.

I just won't be singing with you, that's all.

Don't all moms sing with their kids?

Not that many families are as lucky as we are.

Were.

Look, there's no sense talking about it.

You may never have another chance to go to Europe,

and I'm not gonna let you miss it.

You know,

there's no sense talking about it, mom,

because I'm not working for Logan mays.

I quit.

Keith.

Keith's right. I quit.

I quit too. Me too.

Danny?

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Well, I must say,

I've never seen

five more unhappy faces.

Six, if we include yours, mom.

Me?

Oh, I never felt better.

Especially since I'm coming out of retirement

and all that. What? What?

You're kidding.

Well, if you kids are crazy enough

to prefer my voice to my cooking,

I suppose I'll have to go along with it.

That's great. Then you're gonna sing with us on the tour.

No, Keith. After the tour.

No, mom, we need you now.

Listen, whether you like it or not,

we made a bargain with Logan mays,

and we have to keep it,

but after we come home,

well, you won't be able to get rid of me,

even if you wanted to.

Welcome back, mom. Thank you.

Great to have you with us again, mom.

I love you, mama.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Yeah, but do we still get to split

your percentage in Europe?

Laurie: Danny!

["when we're singing" Plays]

♪ come on now and meet everybody and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ come on now and meet everybody and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪♪

[applause]

Crowd: Shirley! Shirley!

Shirley! Shirley!

Nous voulons Shirley!

Nous voulons Shirley!

Shirley!

Shirley!

What does that mean?

They want mom.

Shirley! Shirley!

Hey, you must have a lot of relatives

here in Paris.

Yeah, they must be relatives.

She's too old to have fans.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Where are you going?

There's an audience out there

that wants a number from you.

You just can't split.

Who would want a middle-aged lady

messing around in their thing?

Who knows?

But whatever it is they're screaming for,

it's my duty to give it to them.

I love those kids.

Sure you do.

They want want her to go on.

Yeah.

Tell you what I'll do. Let's negotiate.

Crowd: Nous voulons Shirley! Shirley! Shirley!

Look, you can't do this to me.

I'll let you two settle the details.

I think I'll join my family.

Reuben...

Nous voulons Shirley!

Shirley! Shirley!

Nous voulons Shirley!

[Applause]

Notre mère.

"our mother."

I knew it was something like that.

[Crowd cheering]

[Playing "Heartbeat"]

♪ I can feel your heart beat ♪

♪ and you didn't even say a word ♪

♪ I can feel your heart beat ♪

♪ but you didn't even say a word ♪

♪ oh, I know, pretty woman that your love can be heard ♪

♪ you can feel my heart beat too ♪

♪ I can tell you're feeling me ♪

♪ you can feel my heart beat too ♪

♪ I can see you're feeling me ♪

♪ oh, I know, pretty woman that your love can be heard ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ we paint the night ♪

♪ let it shine in the light of our love ♪

♪ this is the night ♪

♪ yeah, this is the night of our love ♪

♪ I'll treat you like a woman love you like a woman ♪

♪ lord, I'll prove it, baby I'm a man of my word ♪

♪ love, love can't you feel your heart beat ♪

♪ love, love I can feel your heart beat ♪

♪ love, love can't you feel your heart beat ♪

♪ love ♪

♪ and we paint the night ♪

♪ let it shine in the light of our love ♪

♪ this is the night ♪

♪ yeah, this is the night of our love ♪

♪ I'll treat you like a woman love you like a woman ♪

♪ lord, I'll prove it, baby I'm a man of my word ♪

♪ love, love can't you feel your heart beat ♪

♪ love, love I can feel your heart beat ♪

♪ love, love can't you feel my heart beat ♪

♪ love, love I can feel your heart beat ♪

♪ love, love can't you feel my heart beat ♪

♪ love, love I can feel your heart beat ♪

♪ love, love can't you feel it ♪

♪ love, love oh, I can feel it ♪

♪ love, love ♪

♪ gettin' stronger love, love ♪

♪ I can feel it love, love ♪

♪ I can feel it love, love ♪

♪ it's getting stronger ♪

♪ love ♪♪

[cheering and applause]

[Applause]

Listen to that applause.

Four encores. Out of sight.

I mean, really out of sight.

This tour is gonna be big.

It was because you were with us, mom.

Yeah, you saw the difference

as soon as you got on stage.

You were doing fine without me.

We've got charisma, mom, but you've got sex appeal.

Logan: The kids are right.

Shirley, you are one exciting performer.

Listen, Shirley, have you ever thought

of going out as a single?

I mean, what do you need with a bunch of kids?

Look, let me book a tour of Europe for you

by yourself.

Forget it, Logan. I'm not interested.

Listen, I know what I'm doing.

I could make you big.

You're impossible.

Come on, kids.

You can't talk to me like that.

I'm a giant.

Nice try.

Kids worship at my feet.

No autographs today, kids.

I'm too whacked out. Can't you...

Well, I'll-I'll-I'll sign a few autographs,

if you insist.

If you...

If you insist,

I'll sign your autograph book.

[Speaking French]

Logan mays.

The Logan mays.

The promoter.

Give me that, kid.

[Muttering] There's just no justice in the world.

I made you what you are today.

[♪♪♪]