Original subtitles

[Partridge family theme playing]

♪ Come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ the five of us ♪

♪ and mom working all day ♪

♪ we knew we could help her if our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben to sell our song ♪

♪ and it really came together when mom sang along ♪

♪ come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪♪

["Theme from Moulin Rouge" playing on television]

[Snoring]

Shh! Shh!

Oh, I thought it was the commercial.

Boy, Toulouse lautrec was a real artist.

He knew what it was to suffer.

You three-footers really empathize

with each other, don't you?

I felt sorry for him.

Ah, don't feel sorry for him

because he was short. Why not?

I heard it from a reliable source.

Lautrec was a leg man.

Reuben.

You're all heart, Mr. Kincaid.

If you'd been Toulouse lautrec's manager,

he'd now be known as

the world's greatest short-order cook.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Reuben: Did you come up with a song yet?

Shirley: Reuben, he just walked in the door!

I don't know.

You people have a live record date in 10 days,

you still don't have a song, and what do I get?

[Mocking] "Reuben, he just came in the door."

There's no law that says he has to write a song

every two weeks.

Oh, yes, there is... Kincaid's law.

Quote, a dry client equals a broke manager.

Look, Reuben, I'm not dry, i...

I guess I'm dry.

Keith, you realize we're gonna record

this nonexistent song

at a concert in front of a live audience.

I know. I know.

You gotta have everything down perfectly.

We've only got one shot at it.

Now, look,

I know there's practically no time left,

and I realize you're up against it,

so if there's anything at all I can do to help,

to loosen you up.

Reuben, if you loosen him up any more,

we'll have to pry him off the walls.

No, Reuben's right.

I have an obligation, and I'm letting everyone down.

I can't help it.

Maybe I've just written myself out.

I don't know.

Honey, don't be silly.

All creative artists have dry spells.

It happens to everybody. It'll pass.

Yes, but it's been months.

Listen, Keith.

If you're really dry, maybe I can help you out.

How? how do you think?

By knocking out a couple of songs.

Yeah. I can see it now.

The partridge family sings "the oldies but goodies."

They laughed at lautrec too.

What does that got to do with anything?

Oh, he was watching a movie about a genius,

so he's decided he's a genius.

Oh, I'm glad he wasn't watching

Myra breckenridge.

Hey, easy.

He was just offering to help.

I get the distinct feeling

that everyone doubts my ability.

No, I'll even help you get started.

I'll buy you a book: Song writing by the numbers.

Okay, that does it.

The bet is on.

What bet?

That I can write a great song.

I'll be up in my room, mom,

and I'm not coming out until I've done it.

Did you see how determined he was?

We may never see him again.

Ah, he'll get over it.

On the other hand, with a little luck,

I may not see him again until he's, oh, 30, 40 years old.

[♪♪♪]

[Knocking on door]

Reuben! What brings you here at this time of night?

Well, it's not Bonnie kleinschmitt.

Who?

Bonnie kleinschmitt.

The girl who's sitting in the living room

of my apartment.

The girl who thinks I am now in my bedroom,

slipping into something more comfortable.

Hey, you came over here

to borrow something more comfortable to slip into?

No, I'm here because Danny made an emergency phone call.

Oh, if this is a wild goose chase...

Hi, Mr. Kincaid.

Danny, this had better be important.

You'd better tell me the only reason I'm here

is because Nixon was busy.

It's big, all right.

Laurie, take a song.

What?

Write down the notes.

The first Danny partridge million-record hit.

I'll hum, you write.

[Hums]

Stop. I don't know how to write that.

The high note or the low note, take your pick.

They're both dynamite.

[Humming "theme from Moulin Rouge"]

Danny...

Don't interrupt now.

This song will be on the lips of millions in no time.

[Humming "theme from Moulin Rouge"]

See, I told you it'd be big,

but I didn't think it would get around that fast.

Danny, you heard it on TV last night.

The "theme from Moulin Rouge."

I don't remember how that goes.

You just hummed it.

♪ Wherever I go I worry and wonder ♪

♪ your lips are so near ♪

♪ darling, where is your heart ♪

Well...

"Moulin Rouge" is a pretty song.

I guess that's called mother love.

What did you expect her to do,

gloat with you?

I'm not gloating.

I just don't think Danny's ready

to be a songwriter, that's all.

And I don't think it's fair for us

to lead him on.

You're not worried about the competition, are you?

[Knock at door]Come in.

Oh, I thought you were alone.

Come in, honey.

Well, I've got a new song.

Let's hear it.

[Whistling Barry & Black's "born free"]

Danny...

That's "born free".

What?

From the picture of the same name.

It's like a cavalcade of great movie themes.

What's next, "Oklahoma"?

That's enough, Keith.

Look, I didn't make fun of you and Laurie

when you got hooked on things.

Are you comparing me to those faddists?

I only meant...

I know what you meant.

It's obvious.

You don't take me seriously either.

I do take you seriously.

I just don't want you to wear yourself out.

Somebody's got to come up with a song

if we're gonna stay on top.

Show business is a jungle.

Danny, you can't expect

to come up with a song overnight.

It takes a lot of hard work and persistence,

and, uh, rest, get me?

I get you, but I'm not gonna go to sleep.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good night.

Just remember,

Rodgers and hammerstein didn't make it overnight.

Who?

A couple of songwriters from the dark ages.

You know, when I was a girl.

Good night, honey.

Good night.

I thought you were asleep.

Well, I just got an idea for a song.

Well, don't stay up too late, darling.

Are you kidding?

Maybe I'm finally loosening up.

[Sighs] Welcome to tin pan alley.

We never close.

[Keith playing guitar]

[Humming song Keith played on the guitar]

Well?

Lautrec,

I apologize to all the three-footers of the world.

I don't know what to say, Danny. It's...

It's out of sight, that's what it is.

Yeah.

Who said talent didn't run in this family?

Hi, mom. Breakfast ready yet?

I was wondering where you were.

When did you take up jogging again?

Ah, at 6:00 this morning.

And I'm really starved.

Well, you just may lose your appetite again.

Danny has written a sensational song.

Really? You're kidding.

Tell him, mom.

Wait till you hear it. It's amazing.

Hey, that's great, Danny, because I wrote one too.

I had a real breakthrough last night.

Yesterday we didn't have a single.

Today we're shooting for an album.

Hey, well, come on.

Let's go out in the garage.

I want to hear what Danny's done.

Good idea. That's a good idea.

I'd like to hear something that isn't hummed.

[Shirley laughs]

Why don't you get out of your jogging clothes first?

My stuff is pretty sophisticated.

Shall I wear a black tie and tails?

No, but taking a bath wouldn't hurt.

[Humming]

That's funny. That really is.

I don't know how you pulled it out,

but that's, that's funny.

You think it's funny?

Yeah, I think it's funny.

I thought you were serious.

You don't like it?

Well, of course I like it.

I mean, I liked it when I wrote it.

How did you get a hold of my song?

Oh, no!

Very funny. His song.

What's that supposed to mean?

I brought you in here to hear my song,

and you heard my song.

Oh, no, no. Wait a minute. That was my song.

What is this?

I...

Reuben?

Well, I... Danny...

Shirley?

You don't stop at anything, do you?

The minute they start to slide,

boy, they get desperate.

I stayed up half the night writing that song.

Oh, you must have been listening, that's all.

I was asleep.

I've got witnesses.

Chris was in the room, and he was asleep too.

I knew this was too good to be true.

All right, all right.

There must be some logical explanation for this.

Well, there is. It's mine.

I want a lawyer.

Mom, will you tell him to quit kidding around?

He is kidding around, isn't he?

Isn't it a coincidence?

I mean, your dry spell ends

the same night Danny writes his first brilliant song.

Well, I'm glad you like it,

because it's mine!

Oh, come on, Laurie, use your ears.

I mean, it's me. I'm all over it.

So he's been influenced by you.

Who wouldn't be?

It's like living next to the railroad tracks.

Laurie and Keith,

let's put a stop to this right now.

Well, I'm for that, because that's mine.

Laurie, will you witness my signature?

Wait a minute. What are you doing?

I'm copyrighting the tune.

You can't do that.

Oh, can't I?

I just got a title for it.

I'm calling it, "this is my song".

[Humming]

You hear that, Danny?

She's humming my song.

My song. His song.

Whose song? Their song.

Gesundheit.

Or would you like to copyright that too?

[Humming]

Chris, I told you I don't have time for games anymore.

I've got to write another song to prove I'm consistent.

Danny, you know something?

Since you got to be a genius, you're no fun.

Oh, yeah?

I'll show you fun.

I'm gonna make a milkshake out of you.

Danny!

[Giggling]

Simmer down, kids. It's time for bed.

Mom.

Even for geniuses.

That leaves Danny out.

You asked for it.

Now, you asked for it!

[Playing guitar]

Come in.

I sewed the buttons on your shirt.

Oh, thank you.

Writing a new song?

Trying.

Danny and I may be in courts for years,

and we still do have that record date

next week, so...

Well, we could always record that song.

It's awfully good.

Which song?

The one we heard this morning.

You see? You don't even know what to call it.

Danny's song. My song.

Oh, come on, you know I wrote that song.

If I say that,

then what am I saying about Danny?

Okay.

I know that you wrote that song.

But I also know that Danny wouldn't deliberately just...

Chris: I surrender!

Danny!

Hey, knock it off!

[Danny and Chris giggling]

Do you always hear what goes on

in Chris and Danny's room?

Unfortunately, yes.

That clearly?

Tonight's a quiet night.

I never noticed that before.

[Shrill singing]

Did you hear that? It sounds like coyotes.

So that's how he did it.

If Danny appropriated your song,

this is how he did it.

I just can't believe

Danny would do something like that on purpose.

Neither can I.

If you boys aren't asleep in five minutes,

you're gonna have to chop

all the firewood this winter.

Keith, you have five minutes

to write the world's worst song.

But it's got to be the world's worst song.

Okay, but you can't expect perfection

in five minutes.

He's asleep.

Okay.

[Plays discordant song]

Do you think this is really fair?

About Danny, I mean.

Laurie, I understand your concern,

but it's very fair.

If Danny didn't write that song, he has to know the truth,

and so do we.

I guess that's true.

But then what if it doesn't work?

Well, it's very simple.

I'll just never write another song

in this house again.

Hi, mom. Hi, gang.

Good morning, Danny. Do you want some oatmeal?

No, thanks. All I want is a glass of milk.

Is something wrong?

No, I'm fine.

You, uh, reach a dry spell already?

Well, as a matter of fact, I did write another song.

Oh, really?

Are we gonna get to hear it?

No, I don't think so.

Oh.

Come on, I won't steal it.

No, it's not that.

What's the trouble, Danny?

I might as well tell you.

I think I'm losing my talent.

When I woke up this morning,

another song did come to me, but it's so awful!

I didn't think I was capable of writing such garbage.

Excuse me, mom.

Danny boy... By any chance,

did your song happen to go like this...

[Plays discordant song]

I don't believe it. That's the song.

You must be desperate.

Not only do you steal my good songs,

you stole that piece of garbage too.

Boy, are you dumb.

Can I have some oatmeal?

Hey, you'd better get a move on.

I was just thinking.

This could be my song we're recording,

except it isn't my song.

Oh, Danny.

You're only 10 years old.

If you want to write songs, you'll write them some day.

I know you're right, mom, but it doesn't help much now.

Keith: Hey, come on, let's go. Let's go.

Well, if it will help any,

Keith said that you made the song much better

than he originally had it.

You don't have to treat me like a kid, mom,

even if I am one.

I'm serious.

He said his version isn't nearly as good

as the one you gave Laurie.

You mean, I stole Keith's version,

and memorized it wrong, and improved it?

So I've heard.

Nice try, mom.

Now tell me the one about old king Cole.

You...

Thank you. Thank you.

This next song has kind of a weird history.

Um, I wrote it,

and my brother, Danny, took it off in a corner

and he went over it.

He, uh, he really made it a much better song.

So, what you're seeing here tonight

is the first collaborative effort

between Danny partridge and myself.

It wasn't the easiest collaboration in the world,

but here it is.

[Applause]

[Playing "to be lovers"]

♪ Like a summer wind in the fall ♪

♪ like a color book without a paper doll ♪

♪ this is what it's like to be lovers ♪

♪ to be lovers ♪

♪ when you're not in love ♪

♪ like a drift of snow falling in June ♪

♪ like a November night without an Autumn moon ♪

This is what it's like to be lovers ♪

♪ to be lovers when you're not in love ♪

♪ a sad old tree thats branches will not grow ♪

♪ a beautiful valley filled with sand ♪

♪ it's like a mockingbird with no song ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ try to imagine the sun ♪

♪ sleeping through dawn ♪

♪ this is what it's like to be lovers ♪

♪ to be lovers when you're not in love ♪

♪ ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ This is what it's like to be lovers ♪

♪ to be lovers when you're not in love ♪♪

[Crowd whistling]

[Keith and Danny shouting]

Keith: That is the worst idea I have ever heard!

I don't want any part of it, Danny... none.

It's a great idea.

You don't realize the potential.

Mom, we have to do something about Danny.

Let's send him to camp. What's the problem?

The problem started when Danny learned to talk.

I've got a great idea for a song

that could start a dance craze that'd sweep the nation.

He wants to bring back the bunny hop.

It's a great idea.

We could use it to close the act.

We could all...

Hop off stage, see.

That really does it. I want a new wall.

Would you like it for your birthday,

or can it wait till Christmas?

What do you want a new wall for?

So I don't have to listen

to any more of your great ideas.

But I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you.

I'd rather have acne.

We could be a big song writing team.

I want a new wall.

We could be bigger than Lennon-McCartney.

I want that wall fixed.

Rodgers and hammerstein.

Sacco and vanzetti.

I want that wall fixed!

Forget the wall. I'll move in with you.

We'll get a lot of work done.

[♪♪♪]