Original subtitles

[Partridge family theme playing]

♪ Come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ the five of us ♪

♪ and mom working all day ♪

♪ we knew we could help her if our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben to sell our song ♪

♪ and it really came together when mom sang along ♪

♪ come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪♪

Chris: Bang, bang. Bang, bang.

Tracy: You missed me.

Bang, bang, bang. I got you then.

No, you didn't.

You forgot to reload. You're out of bullets.

Mom, Chris is pretending he has a gun again.

Chris, I told you

never to shoot your finger at anyone.

Aw, mom...

You now how I feel about guns.

I was just trying to wing her.

Chris...

You can't blame him.

He's just got this concert on his mind.

[Sighs] I guess so.

Shirley: About this time,

I was wondering if doing a concert in prison

was such a good idea.

An inmate, Hank beuford,

head of the prison entertainment committee,

wrote us a letter and asked us to appear.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

It sure is big...

And quiet.

It's kind of scary.

Yeah, like a library.

I wonder if I'll run into

any of my old business associates.

They don't have debtors' prisons

anymore.

Mrs. Partridge, I'm warden yates.

How do you do?

This is our manager, Mr. Kincaid.

Mister Kincaid. Warden.

My family.

I'm so glad you could make it.

I'll have some of the trusties

unload your equipment.

Oh, thank you. We appreciate your help.

Not at all.

Hank, I really got to hand it to you.

You said you'd get them here,

and you did it.

Child's play.

Getting them here is one thing,

but how do you know

they're gonna talk to you?

Take my word for it.

They're gonna talk to me,

or they're not leaving the prison.

How do you plan on keeping them here?

Keep it under your hat.

I bribed a guard to lock all the doors.

[♪♪♪]

I hope you don't mind using the doctor's office.

Not at all.

I hope we're not putting the doctor out.

No, he'll be busy in the hospital wards all day.

Now, right through here are examination rooms.

You can use them to change in.

Oh, I wanted a real cell.

You have a warped sense of standards.

It's not that.

He's always wanted bunk beds.

There'll be a guard outside the door

at all times.

If you should need anything,

don't hesitate to ask.

We won't.

Thank you for everything, warden.

All right, kids, it's late.

You'd better get changed.

[Drumming]

Don't do that.

Uh, that's the bass speaker.

It should be hooked up to the number two amp.

I know it's the bass speaker, and this is the number two amp.

Oh.

Just a helpful suggestion.

If it wasn't for your helpful suggestions,

I'd be done now.

Just get off my back.

Take my advice.

If I were you, I'd take his advice.

He runs the prison.

Who are you?

I'm Hank beuford.

I'm the one that invited the partridges.

So, you're the one that got us into this.

I'm Reuben Kincaid, their manager.

Yeah, I know.

Listen, it's very important

that I talk to the head partridge.

Well, I'm sorry. They're dressing right now.

That Jack goes into channel one.

I know what I'm doing.

Stop being an old lady.

It's my job to be an old lady.

I've had it with you

and your job.

I don't take orders.

I give them. Absolutely right.

You obviously know what you're doing,

so you don't have to take orders.

Don't order this man around, understand?

If anybody gives you any more trouble,

you send them to me.

I'll have to send them to you.

They ain't gonna walk to you.

That is the meanest looking man

I've ever seen.

It's all a front.

Underneath that rough exterior, he's rotten to the core.

Oh.

Well, I guess you can't judge a book by its cover.

Yeah. Now, about me talking to the partridges...

Don't bother me right now.

I'm right in the middle of a nervous breakdown.

[Playing "singing my song"]

♪ Singing it out to the people ♪

♪ singing it out to them all ♪

♪ singing my song and they're singing along ♪

♪ all of my problems are, oh, so small ♪

♪ all of my problems are so small ♪

♪ I say dum, bah-Dee-dum ♪

♪ bah-Dee-dum bah-Dee-dah-Dee-ooh-dum ♪

♪ bah-Dee-dum, bah-Dee-dum bah-Dee-dum ♪

♪ bah-Dee-dah-Doe ♪

♪ bah-Dee-dum, bah-Dee-dum bah-Dee-dah-Dee-ooh-dum ♪

♪ bah-Dee-dum, bah-Dee-dum bah-Dee-dah-Doe ♪

♪ doo, Dee-doo-doo doo, doo, doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ I'm singing ♪

♪ I'm just singing ♪

♪ doo, doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ doo, Dee-doo-doo doo, doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ this I know ♪

♪ I know when our heart sinks low ♪

♪ so low, so low ♪

♪ we can turn to one another ♪

♪ 'cause our love is strong and we can't go wrong ♪

♪ bah, Dee-Dee-dum bah-Dee-dah-Dee-ooh-dum ♪

♪ bah-Dee-dum, bah-Dee-dum bah-Dee-dah-Doe ♪

♪ bah-Dee-dum bah-Dee-dum ♪

♪ bah-Dee-dah- Dee-ooh-dum ♪

♪ bah-Dee-dum, bah-Dee-dum bah-Dee-dah-Doe ♪♪

[Cheering and applause]

Wow, listen to that.

Yeah, I know.

It's like a walled-in Woodstock.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I can honestly say

you're the best audience we've ever had,

but then, we've never appeared

before a captive audience before.

[Laughing]

I can't imagine what it's like to be a convict,

but I think in some real way, we're all prisoners.

[Applause]

[Playing "only a moment ago"]

♪ Why has the music stopped? ♪

♪ Where did all the happy people go? ♪

♪ I know they were there songs everywhere ♪

♪ only a moment ago ♪

♪ I only blinked my eyes ♪

♪ I only blinked my eyes ♪

♪ and now the world ♪

♪ that I used to know ♪

♪ is changing on me ♪

♪ why can't it be ♪

♪ only a moment ago? ♪

♪ Only a moment ago ♪

♪ only a moment ago ♪

♪ it was spring and I was singing ♪

♪ only a moment ago ♪

♪ I could see where the road would lead ♪

♪ and what tomorrow was bringing ♪

♪ why has the music stopped? ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ where did all the happy people go? ♪

♪ I know they were there ♪

♪ I know they were there ♪

♪ songs everywhere ♪

♪ songs everywhere ♪

♪ only a moment ago ♪

♪ why has the music stopped? ♪♪

Where is everybody?

Hey, you can't come in here.

You're a prisoner.

I'm also a hospital orderly.

How come you keep showing up?

Who are you?

Who is he? Who are you?

Hey, listen,

I've got to talk to the partridges.

They're changing clothes.

Again?

Well, never mind. I'll wait.

What for?

To wave goodbye?

We're leaving.

So that's it, huh? Sing and run.

Look, I went to a lot of trouble to get them to hear my music.

I only think it's fair that they listen.

You managed to set this whole thing up

so you could sell them some songs?

Songs?

Did bach and Beethoven write "songs"?

I write lyrical symphonies...

But commercial.

Look, fella,

there are thousands

of bachs and beethovens like you.

If I let all you guys past,

they'd never get to sing another note.

I'm sorry.

Okay. I can take a hint.

Face it.

You're not gonna get to see them.

Yes, I will.

It's time for the next step.

We're really gonna do it, huh?

Did I tell you they ain't leaving this prison

till they see my songs?

Match.

Now?

Now.

Oh!

What's wrong? He's had an attack.

I don't know what it is. I better take his temperature.

You burnt my lip.

Rest and think of antibiotics.

Where does it hurt, son?

All over.

My body's all aching and racked with pain,

and I think I'm getting a blister on my lip.

He's burning up.

124?

Four. 104. You didn't read it right.

Am I gonna be all right, doc?

I don't know.

Have you been around any sick people lately?

No, but I was over in the lab,

where they're experimenting

with all those new drugs and stuff.

You went over there without a vaccination?

What drugs and stuff?

You haven't heard about it?

No.

You mean you haven't had a vaccination either?

What's with all the yelling?

This man has been exposed to...

What has he been exposed to?

Well, you see, the doctors are experimenting

with some cures for different diseases.

What diseases?

What's wrong with this man?

We'll know that after a few tests,

which should take a couple of days,

but in the meantime,

I'm afraid we're gonna have

to quarantine the whole prison.

What?

If it's contagious, we don't want to start an epidemic.

You mean, we're going to have to stay here?

We can't show you any special privileges.

That's a statement

you hear a lot around here.

You mean, we're actually stuck here?

Well, I am sorry.

The doctor thinks it's probably nothing.

Maybe just the flu,

but we cannot afford to take the chance.

How long do we have to stay?

A day or two.

The tests should be back by then.

That's just great.

Well, it is inconvenient,

but we can't take a chance on spreading the epidemic.

I'm glad you understand the situation.

We do have a problem

with sleeping arrangements.

We can fit you and some of the kids

into the doctor's office...

Where am I gonna sleep?

Why me?

Why am I the one who gets caged up like an animal?

Because there was only enough room

in the doctor's office

for mom, Laurie, and the kids, that's why.

Yeah.

Like the warden said,

there's only enough sleeping facilities

for the permanent guests.

But to be locked up in a cage,

surrounded by thugs and murderers...

Someone had to sleep in the cell.

Would you rather it be mom?

Of course not.

It should have been Chris.

Come on.

Well, he wanted to sleep in a cell.

Besides, he's more antisocial than me.

Look at the bright side, Mr. Kincaid.

Since mom isn't here, we can all stay up late.

It's not bad enough I'm locked up in a cell.

I have to be trapped with a pre-acne insomniac.

Hey, you.

Who, me?

Yeah.

You're new in here, ain't you?

Just got in today.

What you in here for?

Well, we're hoping it's just the flu.

You're in here for the flu?

Well...

Hey, Joe!

They got a guy in here 'cause he got the flu.

Joe: That's what they all say.

I'm in here for mumps myself.

Hope you get better.

Hey, it's a kid.

Hey, Joe, it's a little kid.

Don't tell me.

Hey, I'll bet he's in for adult molesting.

No. I'm in here for the flu too.

Well, we hope it's nothing worse than the flu.

If it's your first offense,

they might let you off with flu.

Maybe they'll drop the charges

to a common cold.

Hey.

You guys sure got a rotten lawyer.

Either that or a rotten doctor.

[Laughing]

Hey, take two aspirins and go to prison.

All right, all right.

Lights out in 10 minutes.

Lights out in 10 minutes.

You'll have to excuse me.

I have to make my bed.

What's the matter?

Didn't the maid come today?

[Both laughing]

Are all these cells locked?

Sure.

You're sure?

Positive.

You're not funny, fella.

Hey, don't forget to tuck in the bottoms of your blankets.

[Laughing]

Don't pay any attention to him, Mr. Kincaid.

All these lifers like to poke fun.

I'm not paying any attention to him.

Help me tuck in

the bottoms of my blankets.

You know, this really isn't bad.

No, it's great.

Cozy room. Good company.

Wish I lived here permanently,

so I could ask for a stay of execution.

No, that trusty, Hank, gave me some songs he wrote.

They're really pretty good.

Wonderful.

Who needs songs about how to commit armed robbery?

They're love ballads.

A couple of them are so good,

I think we ought to record them.

Listen to this.

[Plays a chord]

♪ I try in so many different ways ♪

♪ to say ♪

♪ just the words that I mean to say ♪

♪ I sing from my heart ♪

♪ but we're so far apart ♪

♪ and all my love is here in my song ♪

♪ but then, you don't believe in love songs ♪

♪ love songs ♪

♪ you say my song cannot be true ♪♪

[Clapping]

Hey.

Play "born free."

I'm going to bed.

"Born free."

Hey, that's funny!

Yeah. Do it again.

Do it again.

This bed belongs in a prison.

It won't go straight.

[Chuckles]

It won't go straight.

[Laughs]

Can I have some more syrup, please?

After me.

Can I have some more hotcakes?

And I hope you had a pleasant night.

Oh, very educational.

I've discovered there is a negative side

to communal living.

I gather you had an unpleasant night.

It was all right,

if you don't mind sleeping in the round.

Did you look at my songs?

Yeah, I did, and I liked them.

He even wants us to record some.

You're kidding.

I can't believe it.

That's more than I could have hoped for.

Not if they're as good as Keith says.

When did western union start sending "pancakegrams"?

What is it?

A note.

What does it say?

It says, "partridges, if you try to get away with it,

"you won't...

Live long enough to regret it."

Let me see that.

It's a threatening note, all right.

What is it

we can't get away with?

This must be some kind of bad joke.

Maybe so, but I wouldn't take any chances.

You should leave the prison right away.

I vote for leaving.

We can't leave. We're under quarantine.

Don't worry about that.

Well, I would say it's definitely an obstacle.

Not really.

You mean the tests have come back

and there's no epidemic?

Uh, well, the, uh...

Test results haven't come back yet,

but there's no epidemic.

How would you know that?

Don't get mad, but I had to keep you here long enough

so you could look at the songs.

You mean you faked this whole thing?

You're getting mad. You're darn right I'm mad.

Have another flapjack.

Why? So you can give me another installment

to your threatening letter?

I swear I don't know anything about that.

Somebody in the kitchen must have put that in there.

I believe him.

Oh, you believe him.

He's been lying to us since we got here.

Well, he... He looks like he has an honest face.

An honest...?

Do you know where we are?

If Hank didn't write the note, then who did, and why?

Maybe someone has us mixed up

with another partridge family.

It doesn't matter.

We're leaving now.

I'm going to tell the warden

that his epidemic didn't pan out.

Is the warden's office close by?

Yes, ma'am.

It's just around the corner.

Thank you.

You got a match?

No, I don't.

[Whispering] Don't scream.

[Whispering] Why should I scream?

Because I'm about to threaten you.

Oh.

Did you get my letter?

So you sent that note.

Is this some kind of joke?

The note wasn't sealed with a kiss, was it?

No.

Just maple syrup.

What's this all about?

I don't know how you got a hold of my songs, lady,

but you ain't gonna get away

with stealing them.

Your songs?

I heard your kid singing them in the cell last night.

You claim to have written those tender love songs?

You saying I ain't tender?

No.

Those suggestions I made about your act, lady.

You'd be smart to listen to me.

I'm telling you, I wrote the songs.

Why would he claim he wrote them?

It must have leaked out that you're gonna buy them

and he just wanted to cash in on a good thing.

Only a crook would do a thing like that.

Haven't you heard? The place is full of them.

You got to believe me.

I need that money.

I'm getting out of here in a few months,

and that money would help me get a new start.

Don't let Max cheat me out of that.

Hank, we have to have a little family conference.

I think that's a nice way of saying, "get lost."

Oh, I'm always trying to get lost,

and the guards are always finding me.

I hope we believe you.

Thanks, kid.

Well?

I'd like to believe Hank wrote them.

I'd like to believe Max did.

I thought you were afraid of Max.

I am.

That's why I vote we buy the songs from him.

Actually, there's no way of knowing.

We can't be sure who wrote those songs.

I vote for Hank.

I vote against Tracy.

Reuben: I vote for breaking out of this joint.

Laurie: You're a reactionary.

With both feet.

Maybe there is a way.

What's the idea?

We'll put each of you alone in a room

for a couple of hours,

and see which one writes a song.

I'm willing. I've got nothing to lose.

You've got your face to lose.

Warden: That's enough.

Are you going to do it or not?

I don't like it, but I'll do it.

Hmm. It isn't bad,

but it's not really the quality

of the other songs.

Sorry, but it takes me more than two hours

to work up to my genius stage.

Here's mine.

Hmm.

This is beautiful.

I knew you'd like it.

In fact, it was my favorite song when it first came out in 1956.

You must be mistaken.

The only other song I knew all the lyrics to

was "the old rugged cross"

and I figured you knew that.

Nice try, Hank.

I told you I wrote them.

I'm very sorry we doubted you,

but we still want to use the songs,

and I promise you'll get full credit.

I don't want to give those songs

to anyone.

I wrote them for my girl, Rosie.

Just for her.

But they're so beautiful.

I'm sure she wouldn't mind if they were published.

Look at it this way.

The cons aren't gonna respect anyone

they got to sing along with.

That's true.

They'd hum him right out of prison.

I have a simple solution.

You could use another name.

Lady, that's what I'm in here for.

You can do it legal.

You just got to avoid names like Nelson rockefeller.

No one would know?

You don't have to tell anybody.

I think Rosie would like

to have her songs on the radio.

Lady, you got a deal. Good.

I'll make arrangements with the warden.

Listen, if you can't think of a name,

you're always welcome to use mine.

[Western playing on TV]

Mom, am I doing this right?

You'll waste less material if you cut the sleeves this way.

[Knocking]

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

I said it first.

Never mind. I'll get it.

Hi. What brings you here?

I just got back from prison.

Picked up Max's contracts.

Great. How was he?

Got wonderful news.

The warden pushed up Max's parole.

He gets out next month.

Oh, that's marvelous.

There's more.

At the first possible date,

Max and his girlfriend Rosie are getting married

and we are invited to the wedding.

Oh. When's the wedding?

Oh, seven months, two weeks, and three days.

You said they were getting married as soon as possible.

Well, they are.

Well, that's the day Rosie gets out of jail.

Rosie's in jail.

[Laughs]

[Reuben stops laughing]

Well...

[♪♪♪]