Original subtitles

[Partridge family theme playing]

♪ Come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ the five of us ♪

♪ and mom working all day ♪

♪ we knew we could help her if our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben to sell our song ♪

♪ and it really came together when mom sang along ♪

♪ come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪♪

♪ stop, stop, and turn around ♪

♪ somebody wants to love you ♪

♪ somebody wants to love you ♪

♪ love you ♪

♪ ah, ah-ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ ah, ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ ah, ah-ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ ah, ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ ah, ah-ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ ah, ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ ah ♪

♪ ah ♪

♪ hey stop, stop, and look around ♪

♪ somebody wants to love you ♪

♪ stop, stop, and turn around ♪

♪ somebody wants to love you ♪

♪ somebody wants to love you ♪

♪ love you ♪

♪ hey stop, stop, and look around ♪

♪ somebody wants to love you ♪

♪ stop, stop, look around ♪♪

[Applause]

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, before we say good night,

I'd like you to meet my family.

Keith...

[Applause]

Laurie...

[Applause]

Danny...

[Applause]

Chris...

[Applause]

And Tracy.

Where's Danny?

Where is Danny?

He was here a minute ago.

He's, uh, red-headed, about so big.

[Laughing]

I'm right here, mom.

I can't find my thing.

I beg your pardon?

What happened?

Somehow I got tangled up in my bass cord.

When I tried to shake it loose,

I pulled the plug on my bass.

See? [Loud electric twang]

Danny, your foot's tangled

in the microphone wire.

It is?

[Feedback screeches]

If my Mike is still working,

good night, folks.

Well, he may be short,

but he moves like a gazelle.

Poetry in motion.

He has a great future ahead of him

in earth moving.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

What's wrong with him?

I think he's really upset.

I'd better talk to him.

You go and change.

Honey...

Don't be upset.

It isn't that important.

I'm so dumb.

I made us all look like a bunch of fools.

All of you must hate me.

I wouldn't blame you.

Oh, Danny...

I wish we were at home right now.

If we were, I'd run away.

Danny, did you lock this door?

Yes.

Shirley: Danny, please open the door.

Believe me,

you didn't embarrass us.

Danny?

Danny?

Uh, m-my son's...

Uh, he's... He's locked in there.

Danny, open this door.

You're embarrassing me.

I knew I embarrassed you.

I'm never coming out.

If I had a dime I'd drown myself.

[♪♪♪]

Open the door!

Please!

You're going to scare him!

All right. Now. Open this door.

Please!

Open the door!

What's all that? A jam session?

There's going to be one

when Danny comes out of there.

He locked himself in. Danny?

He was embarrassed because he thought

he made the group look foolish.

Maybe I can get him out.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Let me through.

Excuse me.

Mr. Partridge?

Reuben Kincaid here.

I didn't mean to wreck the act, Mr. Kincaid.

You did not wreck the act.

I was sitting with the owner,

and he laughed.

He fell on the floor laughing.

He was laughing atme.

No, he wasn't.

You were honestly funny.

In fact,

I want to keep it in the act.

Mom, is that true?

[Whispers] Reuben...

Uh, yes.

Uh, we need a little comedy relief in the act.

You were very good, Danny.

You were hysterically funny.

Uh...

We are going to keep it in the act.

And Tracy says, "where's Danny?"

And I said, "where is Danny?"

Right here, mom.

I lost my thing.

That was about as funny as a swarm of locusts.

Honest, Mr. Kincaid,

I'd do anything to help the act.

I'm just not funny.

I'm sorry.

That isn't it, Danny.

The audience laughed last night

because it was spontaneous.

It wasn't supposed to happen.

Even old pros

can't come out and just ad lib.

Your mother's right.

All we need is some solid material.

Do you know any jokes?

Just that one I heard you tell the stage hands.

You know, about the traveling salesman

who fell asleep in the pumpkin patch...

Yeah, yeah, forget it.

Where did you hear that old joke?

From a lady.

She, uh...

Popped out of a cake.

Do you think all I need is material?

We can't do much without it.

Well, we're gonna open up in Hawaii in two weeks.

If we're gonna break in a new act,

we'd better get busy.

You forget about Hawaii

and start concentrating on the show tomorrow night.

I'm just trying to help.

I know, honey.

Go on out and play for a while.

You know, Danny's goof

may have been cute last night,

but it's never gonna work again.

You're right.

We'll just have to drop it.

I'm just sorry we told him he was so funny.

I think I'd better go and tell him the truth.

There's no sense upsetting the little guy.

Why don't we just...

Let it slide?

By tomorrow, he'll probably have forgotten all about it.

Yeah, so you want some good, solid jokes, huh, kid?

Yes, sir.

Yeah, well, you came to the right place.

Who sent you? Bob hope? Red skelton?

It must have been Benny. You walk the same.

You were listed in the phone book.

Yeah. Good thing for you that I am.

You know, the woods are full of phony comedy writers,

but not me.

Big man, fine reputation.

You know that I'm the only comedy writer

qualified to advertise in the yellow pages?

You're the only one in there, all right.

By the way, could you tell me who you've written for?

You want to embarrass me, kid, by making me blow my own horn?

Oh, I've written for...

Come here, kid. I'll show you some pictures.

Look at this.

Here's one of my clients standing next to Ted mack,

and who's that getting a pie in the face from soupy sales?

Another one of my clients, and look at this.

Pinky Lee.

Just the tops, that's all.

The great and the near great,

they all know little Ziggy shnurr, eh?

I'll tell you something, kid. Comedy writing is an art.

Do you think you can afford

to pay for the work of an artist like me?

What, did you bring your lunch?

I hope you don't mind pennies.

Pennies?

Well, pennies is almost like money.

My life savings.

$21.47. Yeah.

But I need the material right away

for tomorrow night's show.

Yeah, well, all right, let's talk about your act.

How about a sight gag?

You walk out wearing one of those big bow ties

that light up in the dark.

You press the button, the thing spins around.

They'll love it.

No, I don't dress up that much.

Yeah, it's a little too sophisticated for you.

["All of the things" playing]

♪ Give me a chance ♪

♪ and I'll give you your pleasure ♪

♪ look and you'll see ♪

♪ that there's no way to measure ♪

♪ the things I can do ♪

♪ when I'm feeling this way ♪

♪ it's hard to explain so I'll just have to say ♪

♪ good times are coming to me ♪

♪ I'm all of the things that I wanted to be ♪

♪ just going somewhere ♪

♪ is better than nowhere ♪

♪ all of my troubles ♪

♪ are just there ♪

♪ to show where ♪

♪ I used to be ♪

♪ I'm not there anymore ♪

♪ I put on my smile ♪

♪ 'cause I know what it's for ♪

♪ good times are coming to me ♪

♪ I'm all of the things that I wanted to be ♪

[Organ solo]

♪ Good times are coming to me ♪

♪ I'm all of the things that I wanted to be ♪

♪ good times are coming to me ♪

♪ oh, they're coming ♪

♪ I'm all of the things that I've wanted to be ♪

♪ coming on ♪

♪ good times ♪

♪ are coming to me ♪♪

[Applause]

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen,

and before we take our leave, I'd like you to meet my family.

My oldest, Keith...

[Applause]

Laurie at the organ...

[Whispers] Last.

He wants me to introduce him last.

Okay, but I don't know why.

Chris and Tracy...

[Applause]

And now, last but not least,

for some reason, Danny.

[Audience murmuring]

Danny?

Good evening, ladies and germs.

On the way over here tonight,

I saw a drunk

put a penny in a parking meter,

and say, "what do you know?

I weigh an hour."

And speaking of life on the farm,

it was so windy on our farm the other day

that our chicken

laid the same egg twice.

[Mild laughter]

Take my wife... please.

Danny... Good night, folks.

My wife is so fat,

when she stands up, the room sinks.

[Laughing]

Sorry about this, folks.

And talk about bad cooking.

The garbage man came to the house

and told my wife to leave him two cans!

She really is a light eater.

The minute it gets light outside,

she starts eating.

[Sighs]

Oh, they're all asleep.

Even henny youngman?

Even him.

Reuben,

Danny thought he was a big hit tonight.

Yeah.

They were laughing at a 10-year-old

telling rotten jokes badly.

We should never have let this happen, you know.

I'm gonna have to figure out a way

to tell him the truth.

Well, I hope you work something out.

If he tells those old jokes in Hawaii,

he could make the human sacrifice

popular again.

Okay.

That should do it.

All right.

One and two, and one, two, thr...

Wait a minute.

Danny, how about it, huh?

Are you ready to rehearse with us or not?

Oh, sure, Keith.

I'm really ready to rehearse the music,

and speaking of music, a stranger in New York

goes up to an old man and says,

"how do you get to carnegie hall?

The old man says, "practice, practice."

[Laughs]

Danny, we want to rehearse.

Now, couldn't you do those jokes on your own time?

Time? Time?

Speaking of time,

a drunk sees a moving man

carrying a grandfather's clock on his back, and says,

"somebody should get that poor guy

a wristwatch."

[Tracy laughs]

Tell the chicken joke again.

Don't tell the chicken joke again.

Danny, this concert in Hawaii is very important.

I know, Mr. Kincaid.

I want us to be a success.

That's why I have to take time off from music

to practice my routine.

But, Danny, it's just not working out.

I know.

I guess I'm just gonna have to spend more time

practicing my routines,

and if anybody asks where I am,

tell them my mother-in-law

drove me out of the house.

She talks so much

when she goes to the beach,

her tongue gets sunburned,

but she really is a great person.

Her idea of fun

is painting red lights green.

I don't hear any practicing. Where's Danny going?

[All talking at once]

Hold it, hold it.

Let's take this alphabetically.

Chris, you first.

Danny's flipped his gourd.

He keeps telling those jokes

all the time.

Laurie: Mom, you've got to stop him.

His jokes are a form

of cruel and unusual punishment.

His chicken joke's funny.

Now, look, I know he's really trying to help,

but he's got to know the truth.

Yeah. reuben: That's your viewpoint.

Personally, I hold a different opinion.

To me, it's more a matter of...

Him or us.

Well, I...

I was going to tell him after dinner,

but I guess I'd better go and do it now.

Oh, wait a minute.

I think I've figured out

a better way to break it to him.

Max pepper.

The guy that owns the hotel in Hawaii.

He's a friend of mine, and his office is here in L.A.

So?

So, I arrange for Max to audition the new act.

The comedy part.

Danny does the act.

Max has got to hate it, so he shoots it down.

Oh, Reuben, I can't do that to him.

Max can.

He owes me a favor.

Mr. Pepper will see you shortly.

Why?

Is he nearsighted?

And speaking of eyesight,

carrots are very good for the eyes.

That's why you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.

I'll let you know when he's ready.

Why don't you relax, tiger?

You've got your routines cold.

There's nothing to worry about, honey.

I don't want to blow this one.

Maybe I'm a little scared.Danny.

But I'm not as scared as when I was in the army.

I dug a foxhole so deep,

it was just short of desertion.

[Intercom buzzes]

Yes, sir.

Mr. Pepper will see you now.

Oh, just Mr. Partridge, please.

Don't worry, mom, Mr. Kincaid.

When you've got it, you've got it,

and if you've got it,

take two aspirin and go to bed.

Reuben...

He's really such a little boy.

Yeah,

and his jokes are so bad.

Oh.

Heartburn.

It's tearing me apart.

I never get a moment's rest.

All right, now, kid, what do you do?

I'm a comedian.

Well, go ahead and "comede."

Good evening, ladies and germs.

A funny thing happened to me

on the way over here tonight.

A bum stopped me and asked if he could have

a thousand dollars for a cup of coffee,

and I said, "a thousand dollars?"

He said, "yeah.

I want to drink it in Brazil."

And speaking of small towns...

[rings]

Go ahead, kid. I'm listening.

Hello? What is it, herbie?

He won't go on stage?

Look, I don't care what his agent says.

I've got a signed contract with him.

Now, you tell that bum to get out on that stage

and be funny,

or I'll break his funny bone!

Go ahead, kid.

And speaking of small towns, I was in a town so small

that when you turned on your electric razor,

the streetcars slowed down.

Their idea of kicks was sitting in the orchard

and watching the fruit get ripe,

and was that room small.

[Nail clipper clicks]

Go ahead, kid.

You were doing a small room gag.

Um...

My... [Clicking]

My room was so small,

that when you put the key in the door,

you'd break the window.

So small that the mice are hunchbacked,

and I don't want to say

that the bellboys were hungry for tips,

but when I ordered a deck of cards,

they made 52 trips.

Uh... uh...

I'm so bald that when the sun comes up,

the reflection...

[Door opens]

Shirley: Danny.

Hi, mom, Mr. Kincaid.

How did it go, sweetheart?

Yeah. Max didn't...

I mean, how did he like you act?

He hated it.Oh. That's too bad.

You seem to be taking it awfully well.

It's not my fault.

My material was just too sophisticated for him.

The best jokes went right over his head.

I guess it's just another case

of the generation gap.

I'll have to wait for kids of my age

to become an audience.

Then my stuff will be right on.

But until then, we'd better stick to the music bag.

See you later, mom.

I'm just gonna get a drink of water.

Danny, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, mom.

What is it?

Sweetheart, I know today

wasn't very easy for you, but i...

Before you say anything, mom,

I want you to listen to something I've recorded.

I wanted to get it said just right.

All right.

Danny's voice: Dear mom.

I'm not a comedian.

In fact, I'm not even funny.

I realize now that you didn't tell me

because, well,

you're the world's greatest mother.

You didn't want to hurt my feelings,

but Max pepper told me the truth,

and I should have figured it out by myself

before then, anyway.

Well, I'm glad I know the truth.

I'm just sorry I lost my head.

Sincerely yours,

your son, Danny partridge.

P.s...

I guess that's where I came in and interrupted.

What else were you going to say?

P.s.

Do you think I can sue Ziggy shnurr

for giving me those rotten, old jokes?

I'm still kind of mad at myself

for getting carried away like that.

Things like that happen to 10-year-olds once in a while.

That way, they happen less often to 20-year-olds,

and even less when you're way over the hill, say, at 30.

Thanks, mom.

Learning and growing hurts sometimes, honey,

and speaking of time...

"Speaking of time"?

You're not gonna do a joke, are you, mom?

I'm going into my mother act.

"And speaking of time, it's time for you to go to sleep."

You know, if you...

[Chuckles]

If you wore big, funny glasses

and smoked a cigar,

you'd be a natural comedienne.

Say good night, Danny.

Good night, Danny.

[Knocking]

Come in.

Oh, hiya, kid.

Hey, who's the lady I see you with?

I'm no lady. I'm his mother.

That's a funny joke.

I'm gonna have to write that sometime.

Well, how's it going, star? What can I do for you?

You said I could have these jokes

on a money-back guarantee? Yeah.

I'd like to give them to you and get my money back.

But why?

You're a natural born comic.

He's the funniest person I ever saw under four feet tall.

Danny's decided he's not cut out to be a comedian.

The way he walks, the way he talks,

with his class, he's a natural straight man.

A what? Straight man.

That's the guy who sets up the jokes for the comics.

The comic tells the rotten jokes,

and the straight man comes up smelling like a Rose.

For two dollars extra,

I even got the kind of stupid partner

that'd be perfect for you.

Did you ever think about ventriloquism as a career?

With the educational system they got today,

they probably don't even teach it.

No, they don't.

He doesn't know how to be a ventriloquist.

Just so the people don't see your lips moving,

they think it's the dummy doing the jokes.

I'll show you what I mean. Hi, dummy, how are you?

I'm fine there. How are you? See that?

Uh, dummy, uh, I understand a funny thing happened to you

on the way over here.

A guy stopped me and says he ain't had a bite in five days,

so I bit him.

[Laughs]

Those are the same old jokes.

But they blame the dummy if they don't see your lips moving.

I'll show you.

What else happened on the way over here?

A guy says that the Hudson river is so polluted

that they are now

digging for water.

Tell them how small the country is

you were in.

Yeah, this country was so small,

that if they put a flag up,

and a strong wind came along,

it would capsize the whole country.

Uh, you don't understand, lady.

You see, I can do the same thing

drinking a glass of water.

This country is so small...

[♪♪♪]