Original subtitles

[Partridge family theme playing]

♪ Come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ five of us and mom working all day ♪

♪ we knew we could help her if our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben to sell our song ♪

♪ and it really came together when mom sang along ♪

♪ come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪♪

♪ ba, ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ ba-ba, ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ ba, ba-ba-ba, ba ♪

♪ I'm sleeping ♪

♪ and right in the middle of a good dream ♪

Shirley: It happened on the way to an engagement

at the most exclusive hotel we had ever played.

We were using the luxury

of an extra day between bookings

to take advantage of nature.

Unfortunately,

it worked out the other way around.

Nature took advantage of us.

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ so what am I so afraid of? ♪

♪ I'm afraid that I'm not sure of ♪

♪ a love there is no cure for ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ isn't that what life is made of? ♪

♪ Though it worries me to say ♪

♪ that I never felt this way ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Hey ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ so what am I so afraid of? ♪

♪ I'm afraid that I'm not sure of ♪

♪ a love there is no cure for ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ isn't that what life is made of? ♪

♪ Though it worries me to say ♪

♪ I never felt this way ♪

♪ believe me ♪

♪ you really Don't have to worry ♪

♪ I only want to make you happy ♪

♪ and if you say, "hey, go away," I will ♪

♪ but I think better still ♪

♪ I'd better stay around and love you ♪

♪ do you think I have a case? ♪

♪ Let me ask you to your face ♪

♪ do you think you love me? ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪♪

Shirley: Oh, wasn't that fun?

Keith: It must have been. I feel guilty.

Laurie: Simone, will you stop squirming?

What's the matter with you?

Shirley: Why do you feel guilty?

Keith: For not rehearsing.

Maybe if we went over that new song

a couple more times this afternoon,

we can put it in our opening tomorrow.

Laurie: Oh, my gosh.

Shirley: What's the matter, Laurie?

Look, I Don't want anyone to panicor anything,

but there's a skunk sitting right behind me.

A what, dear?

A skunk, mother.

[Brakes screech]

[All shouting]

[Simone barking]

Is everybody all right?

What's that funny smell?

Don't look at me.

Skunk, honey.

Ooh, that smell is absolutely gross.

It's very unpleasant,

but at least he's gone now.

Yeah, but I have a feeling

he's gonna be with us in spirit for a long time to come.

[♪♪♪]

Do you have to do that?

I'm gonna end up smelling like a girl.

Listen, you should be so lucky.

Anyway, anything's better than skunk.

I Don't know.

At least skunk has a masculine smell.

Shirley: Okay, kids.

Welcome to Mae west's boudoir.

Who? just get in.

I just used up a whole bottle of my best perfume.

Doesn't it smell any better?

No.

Just different.

What do you mean?

Now it smells like perfumed skunk.

Well, we're just going to have to live with it

until we get to the hotel,

and then we can take a bath and change.

Thank goodness we Don't have to open

until tomorrow.

It'll give us a chance to get our stuff fumigated.

Mom, isn't that place we're playing

supposed to be terribly elegant?

That's right.

Well, if we walk in smelling like this,

we're gonna make a terrible first impression.

Not only that,

but we're likely to cause a stampede.

All right.

We'll stop at a motel along the way

and rent one room and all take a bath.

Get in.

You kids wait here.

If we all go in, we're liable

to contaminate the motel.

No offense, mom,

but I think you're capable

of doing that all by yourself.

Maybe I should try

to shout through the windows.

Why Don't we use the phone?

Phone?

You know something, Danny?

About once a year,

you do come up with a good idea.

[Ringing]

Sunshine motor haven.

Yes, we do have a vacancy.

What time shall we expect you?

In about 30 seconds.

30 seconds?

Who is this? Peter Pan?

Well...

Well, you see, I'm...

I'm phoning from just outside the motel.

Would you hold on for just a moment, please?

This is an emergency.

Give me the police.

[Sirens wailing]

Police sergeant: Everybody freeze. Come on, now.

Up against the bus.

Put your hands against the bus.

Everybody. Do it.

Come on, do as I say.

Hey, you too, lady. You too. Move it.

Up against the bus.

Shirley: We haven't done anything wrong.

Why were you wearing holdup masks?

We ran into a skunk.

We can't stand to smell ourselves.

Don't you see?

That's why I was phoning

outside the motel.

We didn't want to offend anyone.

Yeah.

Well, armed robbery offends me.

Now, turn around

and put your hands against that bus.

Sweeney, frisk them.

What's the matter?

Uh, sarge,

I got a funny feeling

they're telling the truth.

Oh, how'd you get that?

Intuition?

No, it's, uh...

More than that.

All right, everyone.

Grab a suitcase.

We'll have to leave Simone in the bus

till we can get her shampooed.

Poor Simone.

She'll be lonely.

Honey, the way she smells,

she'll be lonely wherever she goes.

After siccing the police on us,

the least that guy could've done was let us take a bath.

He's very house-proud.

Well, how are we gonna get through the lobby

smelling like this?

We'll just have to brazen it through.

Everyone stick close together,

and Don't get near any of the other guests.

Let's go.

I Don't think that's gonna be

too much of a problem.

We're the partridge family.

Do you have our suite ready?

Yes.

Would you like to register?

I Don't think

we should come any closer.

Oh?

You see, we've had this rather unfortunate accident.

Accident?

We Don't smell very good.

Could you just throw me the key, please?

Yes.

I Don't think that would be within regulations, madam.

Why Don't you just place it on the desk

and back away?

Sure.

A skunk stowed away in our bus.

I see.

There's a message for you, Mrs. Partridge.

Thank you.

Oh, no.

What's it say?

"Arranged benefit performance this evening at seven o'clock.

"Will arrive shortly and explain.

Reuben."

Seven o'clock?

We'll never be cleaned up and ready

by then.

We'll just have to get out of it.

Could you tell us

where our room is, please?

I Don't think we'll need a bellboy.

Well, I could call for volunteers.

It won't be necessary.

15th floor, suite 1506.

Thank you.

Oh, and you Don't have to worry.

We'll all be taking baths very shortly.

Sure.

Hold it, please.

This is very embarrassing.

Gee, is it that bad?

Whatever it is, it's that bad.

It's a mixture between skunk and ladies' Cologne.

Don't bottle it. It'll never sell.

Look, would you mind

taking the elevator up yourselves?

I'm terribly sorry about driving all your passengers away.

That's okay, lady.

Just keep it moving.

Otherwise,

this elevator will be classified as a pollution area.

No offense.

Sure.

Uh, I'll send you a free ticket

for tomorrow night's performance.

Terrific.

Make it in the back of the room.

Okay.

Nobody touch anything.

Stand perfectly still.

Can't we even sit down?

No. You'll contaminate the chairs.

Laurie and Tracy,

use the bath and the shower

in there.

Chris, Danny, use the other bathroom.

Put your socks, shoes, and clothes

in the hamper.

We'll Bury them later.

Everyone else stand perfectly still

until it's your turn to shower.

Can I sit on the suitcase?

Okay.

Keep your feet off the floor.

You know, it's weird,

but I can still smell that stuff.

Well, it's probably your imagination.

Then I have a pretty powerful imagination.

I think it got inside our nostrils.

That's one part I forgot to wash.

Oh, it's so good to be clean again.

If you hold on a minute, I'll get you some clothes.

[Knocking]

I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Mr. Kincaid.

Yeah.

Hey, what's going on in here?

I asked the desk clerk downstairs

if I could come up.

He asked me if I had a strong stomach.

Reuben, it's a long story.

What's this about a benefit tonight?

Oh, I couldn't refuse, Shirley.

It's at a children's hospital.

The kids all play your records,

and when they phoned,

I just didn't have the heart to...

Turn them down.

Why aren't you ready?

I Don't think we're going to be able to make it.

We're due there at seven o'clock.

I can't cancel now.

Yeah.

We can't disappoint them now, mom.

Well, if we hurry, we can still make it.

I'd have told you sooner,

but I didn't have a...

Excuse me, but did you know

there's a terrible smell in here?

Smell?

Oh, there can't be anymore.

What kind of smell?

Well, I Don't know.

The whole place smells of freshly washed skunk.

[Tracy and Chris laughing]

Hold it down, kids.

We can't hold our noses and ears

at the same time.

We can't go into a hospital

smelling of skunk.

At least it's clean skunk.

There's no such thing.

Anyway, it wouldn't be fair for us to walk in like this.

After all, they're a captive audience.

Those kids'll be heartbroken.

I Don't understand it.

We've scrubbed until our skins are raw.

What did you use?

What do you mean?

Soap and water.

Tomato juice.

Tomato juice?

Only thing that'll get rid of it.

Uh, room service, please.

Reuben, are you sure?

I have it from a very reliable source.

Who?

I forget,

but there's something

about the ingredients of tomato juice...

Hello, room service?

This is suite, uh...

1506.

Would you please send up,

oh, 40 large cans of tomato juice?

40 cans?

That's right. 40 cans.

I realize

you Don't usually send it up in cans,

but this is an emergency.

Well, what do you care what kind of emergency?

All right. All right.

We have a whole family up here

who are stinking.

No, they do not want to make bloody Marys.

Look, if you must know,

they want to take a bath in it.

Very funny, fella.

Just send up the cans.

Because it cuts the smell of skunk!

Okay. Okay.

Just send it up in glasses.

Well, how do I know how many glasses?

Enough to fill a bathtub.

No, we do not need any ice.

Sir.

Uh, where do you want it?

Oh, in the bathtub.

There goes 20 bucks.

What?

Room service bet me 20 bucks

you were going to take a bath in it.

Naturally, we took the bet.

This is beginning to smell like a set-up to me.

Really?

Is that what it smells like to you?

No. Actually, it smells like skunk.

All right. This tomato juice

is going to get rid of that smell.

Get it? Got it.

Good.

Now, would you do as I ask?

You know, I just thought of something.

What?

What if they end up smelling

like tomatoes instead?

[Laughs]

Okay,

go sit with the clean group.

How do you feel, Danny?

As if somebody should salt and pepper me.

Are you clean?

Well, it's pretty hard

to raise a lather with that stuff.

Chris, you're next.

I Don't want to wash

in his dirty tomato juice.

Come on, get in there.

How are we doing on time?

The hospital's only 10 minutes away.

We should make it.

We won't be able to perform in costume.

We'll have to wear what's in these suitcases.

I Don't think the kids at the hospital will mind.

Tracy, you wear... Oh, there it is again.

There's what again?

Can't you smell it?

I can smell it. It's coming from the case.

Close it up, mom.

All over our clothes.

Don't you have some more clothes in the bus?

Well, if these are contaminated,

they're going to be too.

What are we going to do?

Why Don't we follow the trend?

Laurie: What are you talking about?

Perform topless.

That'll only solve half our problem.

Well, I'm game to go the whole way.

We already have

enough comedy in the act.

Knock it off. It's no time to be funny.

There must be

some clothing stores here in the hotel.

They'll be closed.

There may be some stores in town still open.

There isn't time for that, Laurie.

Now, wait a minute. Hold it, everybody.

Let's not panic. Let me think.

I've got an extra set of clothes here.

You can wear these.

Great, but what about the other five of us?

We'll just have to borrow some.

Who's gonna lend us clothes

in the next five minutes?

I'll think of somebody,

but I'll need some help.

Keith, are you still polluted?

Yeah, but I wish

you wouldn't put it like that.

Then it'll just have to be you, Danny.

Here.

Put these on.

What do you want me to do?

Charm the pants off people.

Excuse me, miss.

Could I see you in private?

What for?

I have a proposition to make.

I Don't date midgets.

I'll bet you're a perfect size 10.

I beg your pardon?

Oh. Oh, look,

I know this may sound unusual,

but could I rent your dress

for one night?

I'm not sure this is your color.

Danny: Look, I Don't have time

to tell you the whole story.

I'll give you 15 bucks

to rent your outfit for a couple of hours.

Okay, but answer me one thing.

How come you're wearing clothes

10 sizes too big for you?

Would you believe when I started the day

I was six feet tall?

You gonna mail it to me, kid, or what?

Should I come back?

Taxi.

Okay, now, you all go over there by cab,

and I'll drive the bus over with the equipment.

Why can't we all go by bus?

Because you're sterile, and you get in the bus,

you'll be contaminated again.

Come on.

Well, won't you get to smell bad?

Sometimes managers have to make sacrifices.

St. Mark's hospital, please.

See you later.

Are you the partridge family?

Yes.

I got something for you.

Oh, no!

What's the matter? Isn't he your dog?

I saw him in your bus, and he looked lonely.

Well, didn't you notice

anything unusual about him?

Unusual?

He's been in direct contact

with a skunk.

Oh, well, I wouldn't know about that,

cause you see, I got this terrible cold.

Now what, mom?

We have to get to the hospital.

How?

I guess we'll have to bribe the driver.

How are we gonna get into a hospital

smelling like this?

I'll think of something.

["Brand-new me" playing]

♪ Come on down ♪

♪ off of your cloud ♪

♪ why just be ♪

♪ a face in the crowd? ♪

♪ You can remember ♪

♪ that once upon a love-affair.

♪ Your heart was warm your lips were tender ♪

♪ and I didn't care, baby ♪

♪ you're gonna see ♪

♪ you're gonna see ♪

♪ a brand-new me in me ♪

♪ a brand-new me ♪

♪ it's you that's on my mind this time ♪

♪ I really love you ♪

♪ I'll be around ♪

♪ I'll never let you down ♪

♪ won't be the same ♪

♪ can't you see my ♪

♪ feet are on the ground? ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I've had my fill ♪

♪ of foolin' around ♪

♪ ain't no life ♪

♪ just being a clown ♪

♪ I heard the weather report ♪

♪ and it said, "sunny today" ♪

♪ how did it know that you would show up ♪

♪ to love me today, baby? ♪

♪ You're gonna see ♪

♪ you're gonna see ♪

♪ a brand-new me in me ♪

♪ it's you that's on my mind this time ♪

♪ I'll be a new man ♪

♪ I'll be around ♪

♪ I'll never let you down ♪

♪ won't be the same ♪

♪ can't you see my ♪

♪ feet are on the ground? ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

♪ ah, ah ♪

♪ ah, ah ♪

♪ ah, ah ♪

♪ ah ♪

♪ ah ♪

♪ ah ♪

♪ ah ♪

♪ you're gonna see ♪

♪ oh, you're gonna see ♪

♪ a brand-new me ♪

♪ it's you that's on my mind this time ♪

♪ I'll be around ♪

♪ I'll never let you down ♪

♪ can't you see my ♪

♪ feet are on the ground? ♪

♪ You're gonna see ♪

♪ a brand-new me in me ♪

♪ it's you that's on my mind ♪♪

[Applause]

[♪♪♪]

You know,

I think the show turned out okay.

Shirley: The kids seemed very pleased.

Oh, let's catch the elevator. All: Hold it!

Wait a minute.

Oh, it's all right.

There's nothing wrong with us now.

Whatever you say.

We may look a little funny, but we're all right otherwise.

We got decontaminated at the hospital.

Oh.

I'm glad you changed your lifestyle.

I like you much better that way.

A little freaky looking,

but you're definitely on the right path.

Shirley?

Shirley? Reuben!

Hi, Mr. Kincaid.

Thank you.

Woman: Hold it.

What did I do?

You were in our bus.

Yeah, but...

You mean, I...

To high heaven.

Would you mind

taking it up yourself, sir?

Shirley?

Don't worry. We'll have the bellboy

bring up

an embarrassing amount of tomato juice.

So, that's the thanks I get.

Abandoned.

[♪♪♪]