Original subtitles

[Partridge family theme playing]

♪ Come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ the five of us ♪

♪ and mom working all day ♪

♪ we knew we could help her if our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben to sell our song ♪

♪ and it really came together when mom sang along ♪

♪ come on now and meet everybody ♪

♪ and hear us singing ♪

♪ there's nothing better than being together ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪

♪ when we're singing ♪♪

Shirley: I see a mustang.

Keith: Good, I can use that.

Danny: So could I.

Shirley: I imagine you've often wondered

what five kids do on a long bus ride.

Well, they usually do something

that's bad for their complexions

or bad for my nerves.

But this trip,

someone came up with a new game,

"highway bingo".

I call out the cars I see, and they fill in the squares.

It's a lot like regular bingo, except it's nonsectarian.

There's a dodge.

Tracy: I only got four more to go on this side.

Oh, I can't win.

Well, why not?

You only have one more space to fill.

Yeah, but when was the last time you saw a Hudson?

Vw.

Mom, you said that one already.

I just call 'em like I see 'em.

Did you see that?

You're a witness, right? Crashed right into me!

What'd you hit, mom?

I think it was a studebaker.

Bingo!

Yup, she's got it all right.

You crazy hippies,

it's not enough you Don't trust anyone over 30,

now you're trying to wipe us out.

You force me to say something

I Don't wanna say.

I'm over 30 myself.

I Don't care how old you are.

You drive like you were born yesterday.

Can't we discuss this rationally?

Who says you're rational?

You can't even decide what color

to paint the bus.

We did that on purpose.

Of course you did, to confuse the witnesses

when you have an accident. Keith: Mom...

There's no damage.

No damage?

What do you call that?

That's an old scratch. It's already rusted.

Well, the salt air around here

makes things rust pretty fast.

Not that fast.

Will $5.00 cover it?

An attempt on my life is worth more than $5.00.

Take it or leave it.

But since it was an accident...

I'll get my purse.

It's amazing how logical greed can make you.

Why do you wanna ride around in something like this?

What are parents coming to these days?

We happen to be the partridge family:

Stars of stage, television, and nightclubs.

You may have heard some of our recordings.

You're in show business?

That's right. Here's your money.

Big stars?

Pretty big. Ooh! My back!

Oh! Ooh! Whiplash!

Whiplash! You saw the wreck.

You're witnesses, right?

Whiplash.

Whiplash! Whiplash!

Did you see that crash?

Whiplash. Whiplash!

[♪♪♪]

Half a million dollars?

Did you say half a million dollars?

That's right.

They can't sue us.

We Don't have that kind of money.

How much insurance do we have,

Mr. Lowenfeld? Well, up to $50,000,

but you needn't worry.

He's willing to settle out of court for $10,000.

Oh, that's very generous of him.

We haven't any choice but to settle.

Why?

He was fine until he found out

we were in show business.

There's nothing wrong with him.

Let him take us to court.

Well, Mr. Larkin claims he can't bend over.

Now, there are some back injuries

that can't be detected medically.

You can't detect something

when it isn't there. Unfortunately,

in this kind of suit,

it's up to you to prove he's faking,

and you can't do that.

Okay. I guess you're right.

I'll call the home office tomorrow

and recommend we settle.

In a few days,

I'll have some papers for you to sign.

Thank you, Mr. Lowenfeld. Good night. Good night.

You leaving too, Reuben?

Well, I've given you advice

that's ruined your whole day.

I figure my job's done.

Good night. Good night.

Mom...

Do you wanna hear what I think?

Is there any possible way I cannot hear what you think?

No.

Then I'd love to hear what you think.

I think you copped out.

If what's his name...

Willie. Willie Larkin.

If Willie Larkin isn't hurt, and we know he isn't,

then he doesn't deserve any money.

I agree.

Then you're helping him to commit a fraud,

and you're just as guilty as he is.

But we can't prove anything.

But you're not even trying.

You're taking the easy way out.

That's why this world is in such a mess.

Honey, I didn't destroy this world

all by myself, you know.

I had a little help.

I didn't mean you. I meant your generation.

What's going on?

Laurie's protesting again.

So what's new?

This time, she has a point.

Hey, that is new.

The man is getting $10,000,

and there's nothing wrong with him.

Is that true?

Why is that?

The insurance company wants to settle out of court.

But it doesn't matter what

the insurance company wants to do.

The question is what do you wanna do?

Well, i...

I'd like to fight it.

On the other hand, I...

I'd like to settle out of court.

Mom, you're no king Solomon.

Shirley: There are times

when a woman just has to get away.

And go sit in her bus.

Reuben and the insurance man are right.

Why go to court when there's practically no chance

of winning?

But then, Laurie and the kids are also right.

If they're both right, who's wrong?

[Knocking]

[Television playing]

[Shuts television off]

Oh!

Well, the lady bus driver.

I just came by to see how you were feeling.

I expected you to check up on me,

but I thought you'd come during visiting hours.

Are you in pain?

It comes and goes. It's ebbing now.

It only feels like a hot branding iron.

I'm so glad you're feeling better.

Thank you.

I'm certain you'd feel a lot better

if you got a check from the insurance company.

It wouldn't hurt any less.

But I wouldn't mind as much.

Well, come on in.

Please sit down, even if I can't.

You can't sit down?

I can't get up.

Not with the back brace and this.

But make yourself comfortable.

I'll just prop myself up against the wall.

Mr. Larkin,

I've come over to ask you to withdraw your case.

You gotta be kidding.

How often is a man lucky enough to get this badly hurt?

Look, you're causing a very serious conflict

in my home.

Lady, I got nothing against you and your kids.

Then why are you suing us?

So we can settle out of court!

This is strictly a matter

between me and a rich insurance company.

Only if we settle out of court.

I'm not so sure I could do that in all good conscience.

Mrs. Partridge,

I'm not taking anything from you or your family.

I'm not even hurting the insurance company.

They're just paying what it would cost

to take the case to court.

Do me a favor.

I never had a parade before. Don't rain on it.

Mm, mom, what did you decide

about whiplash Willie?

Are you gonna give him anything?

I'd like to give him an academy award for pain.

He's almost convincing.

Well, we all talked about it last night.

Mm-hmm. What was your decision?

We decided it's your problem.

Thanks a lot.

It's not like that, I mean...

Mom! I fell on the patio and skinned my knee!

Oh, honey, let me see.

Well, I Don't see anything.

It's there. You just can't see it.

It's the first time I ever saw a skinned knee

with skin on it.

It doesn't matter. It was your patio.

I'll make a deal.

You give me 25 cents

and I'll settle out of court. Chris!

How about 15...

How about a spanking?

Let's forget the whole thing!

Boy, wounded in action,

and I still can't get a break.

[Door slams]

Well, like I said,

it's your decision,

no matter how much it affects us.

[Doorbell ringing]

Finish eating. I'll get it.

Hello, Reuben. Hi, Shirley.

Where are the kids?

I think they're out back.

Good.

The insurance investigator gave me the papers

for you to sign.

What papers?

It's the agreement to settle out of court.

[Sighs]

Reuben...

I can't sign those papers.

Well, you have to sign. Why can't you sign?

Just a minute ago,

Chris bumped his knee on the patio and he said

if I didn't give him a quarter, he would sue.

What is that? He's only playing.

Yes, but children's games come from

imitating things they've learned.

Well, he couldn't have learned much

if he only asked for a quarter.

Reuben, I'm serious.

I Don't want my kids growing up with the idea

that lying is a quick way to make a buck.

Shirley, there is a nut out there

suing you for half a million dollars.

What about Chris?

He hasn't got a case.

What are you guys talking about?

Morals and values.

What does that mean in dollars and cents?

The price of morals and values

has just gone up.

Danny, go get the rest of the kids.

We're going to have a meeting.

What about?

I've decided to join you kids.

We're going to fight whiplash Willie.

Yay! We're gonna fight! We're gonna win!

Strange.

That's exactly what general custer said.

I knew you wouldn't let him get away with it.

Laurie: Yeah, mom,

you're doing the right thing.

Well, being right doesn't come cheap.

We're jumping from a $10,000 settlement

against the insurance company

to a half-million dollar lawsuit against us.

He may ask for half a million,

but he can't get more than $250,000.

Yes, but the insurance company

will only pay $50,000.

That means all of us would have to pay the rest.

Two-hundred thousand dollars!

It's a very simple procedure, Mr. Kincaid.

Whiplash Willie claims he can't bend over.

All we have to do

is get a picture of him bending over

and he has absolutely no case against us.

So far so good.

Do you think it'll work?

Of course. It's an old formula.

Greed plus opportunity equals exposure.

Remember that?

I've forgotten more formulas than you'll ever know.

Now, you know what you're supposed to do?

Right. Right!

You Don't wanna synchronize watches, do you?

[Vacuum cleaner whirring]

[Vacuum cleaner turns off]

Yeah? Oh, good morning, sir.

I'm your door-to-door quiz program,

the show for those people who Don't listen to TV or radio.

Is this some kind of a put-on?

No, siree.

Now, in my hand, I have a $20 bill,

and if you can answer this question

in 10 seconds or less,

the $20 bill is yours.

Ready?

It's crazy, but go ahead.

Name a president of the United States...

Richard milhous Nixon.

Close enough.

And here, sir, is your $20 bill.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's all right. Goodbye.

Hold it!

And thanks.

Reuben: And another thing.

When you're sneaking a picture,

you Don't jump out and say "hold!"

Actually, Mr. Kincaid,

it's a very good picture of the door,

and you came out pretty good too.

That is the expression of a man

who just threw away 20 bucks.

I bet the CIA even has bad days.

Yeah, but they also have expense accounts.

Hey, look, Willie's leaving the house.

I wonder where he's going.

He's going out to spend my money,

that's where he's going.

Get down.

Hey, I've got another idea.

A better one.

By better, you mean more expensive.

It's only money.

Yeah, but it's my money.

They Don't even do this in comic books anymore.

Anybody would bend over to pick up $50, Mr. Kincaid.

I thought the point was

to keep him from getting any money.

Well, look at the bright side of it,

Mr. Kincaid.

I didn't waste another picture.

Wait, you'll give me $10

for doing absolutely nothing?

Well, you do have to do one thing.

I think I'm gonna call a cop...

No, wait.

All I want you to do

is drop this box of soap, and let a man pick it up.

Oh, is this a commercial or something?

Right, a commercial.

Hey, that's great.

But shouldn't you be using a movie camera?

I mean, that camera just takes stills.

Uh, it's gonna be a very short commercial.

Oh!

Right, now, uh... in a minute,

a man with a big neck brace and a cane

will be coming down this street...

Well, how will I recognize him?

Well... the brace will be around his neck,

and the cane will be in his hand.

Okay, um...

Neck brace, neck. Hand, cane. Okay.

Yeah.

Now, when he comes up, you just casually...

Drop this box out of your bag,

and let the man pick it up for you.

Ah, then step back

so my photographer can get his picture.

Photographer?

Isn't he a little young?

Well, that's the youth market.

They won't even look at pictures

taken by anyone over 30.

Reuben: Are you sure you're only 10 years old?

Danny: Positive.

I guess my psyche must be 13 or 14.

Well, I see my spies came in out of the cold.

How'd you do?

Terrible.

Eighty dollars worth of terrible.

Your son is a rotten spy,

but he has great potential

taking pictures for girly magazines.

Honest, mom,

it was like the camera had a will of its own.

I think the camera's beginning to grow up.

You know, the worst thing is, Willie's suspicious.

He's not gonna fall for any more tricks.

Sure. He couldn't have gotten wise

50 or 60 bucks sooner.

Anyway, we blew it.

Now we're sunk.

Well, maybe not.

He expects us to try and trick him,

but he wouldn't expect a frontal attack.

We're gonna beat him up?

Of course not.

The poor man's been hurt.

Why, he shouldn't even be on his feet.

He... he needs someone to be with him constantly,

someone to wait on him hand and foot.

What a pleasant surprise.

When did you get into town, Doris?

Only for a week?

Well, we can't waste any time then.

Why Don't you come over now,

and we'll spend a nice quiet evening

alone together.

[Knocking]

Just a minute.

Lady, I've been waiting for you with open...

Agh!

"Waiting for you with open ahs."

Maybe he was expecting his dentist.

Why, the poor man's in pain.

Right. I have to ask you to leave.

I Don't like people to see me like this.

It's... it's not pretty.

But that's why we're here.

We all feel so guilty

because we've done this to you.

We're gonna stay here and take care of you

until you can take care of yourself.

Even if that takes forever.

Hi.

Okay, that's it. That does it.

Hello. Hi.

Hi. Sleeping bags?

How can we stay forever without sleeping bags?

Why Don't you just pitch a tent

and have a revival?

Only as a last resort.

A man with a back injury shouldn't be on his feet.

Me sit in that?

Well, how else am I gonna wheel you

into your bed?

I'm not gonna sit in that.

I knew we should've brought the stretcher.

Now, we know what we're doing.

I've had nurse's training in school.

And I took first aid in cub scouts.

Wanna see a square knot?

Tracy: And I had the chicken pox once.

Hi.

What's going on here? Doris!

When you said we were gonna be alone,

I didn't realize you meant you, me...

And your whole new family!

Doris, let me explain.Listen...

I came over here for a little fun...

Not to visit some day care center.

Oh, you won't notice us at all.

Just pretend we're not here.

I have a better idea.

You just pretend I'm not here.

Baby, wait.

Listen, if you want me,

I'll be down at the ywca swimming pool

throwing pennies in the deep end.

Now, that hurt.

["I'll leave myself a little time" plays]

♪ Not long ago you'd find me feeling so low ♪

♪ I had some troubles that you just can't hide ♪

♪ no time to start but livin' far from my heart ♪

♪ I thought I'd take another look inside ♪

♪ lovers and friends will come and go like the wind ♪

♪ and there is nothin' any man can do ♪

♪ for what it's worth I'll make a home on this earth ♪

♪ and I will hope that love will see me through ♪

♪ I'll leave myself a little time ♪

♪ for some gladness ♪

♪ and even if I Don't know why ♪

♪ tomorrow's gonna bring the sunshine ♪

♪ to a brand-new day anyway ♪

♪ there's music in the air with laughter everywhere ♪

♪ and love could be the reason why ♪

♪ I'll leave myself a little time ♪

♪ to go a different way ♪

♪ I can't believe that now I'm singin' a song ♪

♪ or that I'm laughin' with that great big sun ♪

♪ no one I see has got a worry for me ♪

♪ I'm keepin' old Mr. Time on the run ♪

♪ I'll leave myself a little time ♪

♪ for some gladness ♪

♪ and even if I Don't know why ♪

♪ tomorrow's gonna bring the sunshine ♪

♪ to a brand-new day anyway ♪

♪ there's music in the air with laughter everywhere ♪

♪ and love could be the reason why ♪

♪ I'll leave myself a little time ♪

♪ to go a different way ♪

♪ I'll leave myself a little time ♪

♪ to go a different way ♪

♪ I'll leave myself a little time ♪

♪ to go a different way ♪

[Vacuum whirring]

Careful, honey!

It ain't gonna work.

What?

[Shuts vacuum cleaner off]

What?

You're trying to make me like you,

but it ain't gonna work. It ain't?

Tracy, Don't say "ain't".

Well, I like you, but it still ain't gonna work.

Tracy, watch out!

Oh!

[Sighs]

Honey, are you all right?

Yeah, Willie saved me.

Thank you. Ah, it was nothing.

It's amazing how suddenly your back got better.

Not really. Ooh...

Mr. Larkin...

Yeah... well, how about that? I'm cured.

In a way, I'm kind of sorry.

Me too.

Laurie: Well, what's money?

You got your health back again.

I guess I should be ashamed of myself.

You're a nice family.

And underneath that neck brace,

you're kind of a nice man.

You've been so good to me all week,

I really hate to see you go.

Oh, you really Don't mean that.

Yes, I do.

Good help ain't easy to find.

Don't say "ain't".

[Laughs]

Okay.

Bye, Mr. Larkin.

So long, Danny.

Well, I think this is the last load.

I guess we'd better go.

Thanks for fixing my wagon.

Oh, you're welcome, dear.

So long, Keith.

See you, Willie.

I'm sure gonna miss you all.

Hey, can I come over some night

and baby-sit?

That's like going to a shooting gallery

and volunteering to be a duck.

I'll take my chances. Bye, Mr. Larkin.

So long. Goodbye, Laurie. Take care.

You're welcome to come any time.

Reuben: Well, now you can get back

to being a serious bachelor.

Why Don't you call your friend, Doris?

I wish you hadn't mentioned her.

Why? What's wrong?

I just talked to her.

She doesn't wanna see me again.

She says I had my chance and I blew it.

Oh, no.

You mean because of us?

Oh, I Don't know what to say.

I... i'm so sorry.

Me too. She was my fiancée, you know.

We were gonna be married next week.

Oh, I didn't know.

Oh, I feel terrible about this.

So do I.

I really like you and the kids.

In fact, I hate to do it.

Do what?

Sue you for a million dollars.

What?

For alienation of affection.

Like you said, it's your fault

that she's alienating me from her affection.

Oh, wait a minute.

If a little thing

like a back injury is worth half a million,

a broken heart

has to be worth twice as much.

Come on, let's go.

But I'm willing to settle out of court.

Come here, kids.

What for?

A million-dollar hug.

[♪♪♪]