Original subtitles

Good evening, and... and thank you to all.

Working in the pest control business,

I always smell of vermin and skunk,

so I have trouble with romance.

The Napa Boys helped me through.

Is it... Is it true you don't drink anymore?

Um... Well, no, I... I... I don't drink wine,

but, you know, Gatorade or whatever.

Hello, Miles Jr.

My name is Puck

and I am the Napa Boys' biggest fan.

The Napa Boys taught me that it's okay to be weird.

You inspired me to become an investigative podcaster.

And if it's okay,

I would love to shadow you for a while

and assist you with your life and interview you

or any of the other members of the Napa Boys,

particularly regarding the rumors that...

all of your graphic novels are in fact based

on your real life adventures,

and you hide this to protect the innocent.

Uh, uh, sorry.

Uh, your what-cast?

These are not, uh, real adventures?

I'm not some sort of, uh, Indiana Jones-like figure?

Bless your heart. Uh, thank you so much, uh, Puck.

Thanks. Next question.

- Say, fair maiden... - I have a question.

Oh, God.

Um, so I know that Napa Boys famously hate Merlot.

Yeah, that's right. Merlot sucks. Get lost, Spock.

Holy shit, it's the real Jack Jr.

I don't know this man. I don't know who this...

- From the Napa Boys. - The stories were real.

That's right, I'm real, baby.

And I have a question for Miles Jr.

Are you ready to go on another Napa Boys adventure?

- Yes! - No more adventures for me.

Um, although there's never been an adventure,

so there'd be no... no more to go on...

How about now?

The famous Sommelier's Amulet.

It does exist.

You know what this means?

The Napa Boys are back, baby!

Well, Grapes and Gals,

after getting rejected

from reporter school and by my hero, Miles Jr.,

The First Sip With Puck will be going

on permanent hiatus.

And as always, to the grape.

Maybe they're right.

Maybe I'll never be a respected reporter

at this rate.

Hey, guys. It's me again.

Just thought I'd show you the new update.

It's you guys.

I really miss you guys.

"Psst!"

"It's me, Emilia." "Are you still depressed?"

"Maybe you should go get laid

with... with your friend, Jack Jr., and Napa."

"Yeah, it's me, Blair. I agree."

Jack.

I almost had you, bro. I almost had you!

But just like you told me 20 years ago

at this very spot, before it became the grave site

of your wife and daughter,

Napa Boys are forever, dude.

Uh, leader of the Napa Boys?

Beep beep, bitch. We're going to Napa.

It's so great to be back

in the old wine wagon, right?

Uh, new and improved wine wagon, dude.

Watch this.

Oh, whoa.

Uh, what is this? Uh, James Bond's... wine... car?

No.

Hey, what's this?

That, mon frère, is moi's 1999 Romani de la Conti.

I got it on my Euro trip.

The Europe trip that I was not invited to.

Oh, come on, man, that was a Jack Jr. only adventure.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, we got to pick someone up.

Uh, wa... who?

Stifler's brother.

Huh. Good.

- That's it! - Oh, whoa!

- Dude! - Stifler's brother!

Dude, what the fuck? You pulled the emergency brake.

You can't just fucking do that, dude.

- What? - Perfect!

- Yes! - Perfect!

- Dude. - Stifler's brother!

Yeah.

"Oh, I invited Stifler's brother."

That's right. I invited Stifler's brother.

- Aw! Oh, we gotta come over... - Tell him what he's won, Bob.

- Rattlesnake. - Really?

- There's not a... - I'm doing it!

- The Romani de Conti! - That's right!

No! Miles Jr., don't you dare!

No, no, no, no, no! Give it!

Stop drinking it! No, no, you're spilling!

- No, no! No, you stupid... - You can't stop me!

Miles Jr.

What, Jack Jr.?

You gotta face the music, bro.

You're old. You're still a virgin.

Worst of all...

you're unviral.

Great. Perfect. Now I'm unviral.

Unviral, and still a virgin.

I swear on The Sommelier himself,

I will get you laid, Miles Jr.

And if there's one person who knows how to get laid,

it's the Stifmeister.

And his brother.

There he is, Stifler's brother.

Yeah, he just doesn't really seem like Stifler's brother.

That's where he dropped his pin, bro.

Now go get him.

I don't know, man. It just doesn't look like...

Why?

Well, no, uh... because he's got a briefcase

and a suit.

Hey, guys!

He's getting in.

Miles Jr. and Jack Jr., the original Napa Boys.

If any of y'all need a lawyer, here's my card, okay?

I just want to be there for y'all,

just like you guys have been there

for my brother, Stifler.

That's right.

- Wine? - Oh, yeah.

Well, Napa, here we come!

We're back, baby. We're back!

- Come on, say it. We're back. - We're back.

- "Welcome to Napa." - Yeah!

Oh, dude. The old Hitching Post. Oh, look.

Moose on the loose, huh? Look, "Moose on the loose."

We're really in Napa. Beautiful Napa, great as ever.

Napa, baby!

Oh, yeah!

Boys, boys, boys.

- Come here, buddy. Oh! - Kevin!

Well, I couldn't turn down the Amulets call, man.

Kevin. Kevin.

What's a Napa Boy adventure without Kevin?

And you heard it here first.

The Napa Boys are officially back together.

A stowaway!

It's what Woodward and Bernstein would have done

to get the story.

Woodward and who?

Who the fuck is Woodward and Bernstein?

- Who are you? - I'm Puck.

I'm the newest member of the Napa Boys.

You're not a Napa Boy.

And you're never going to be a Napa Boy.

I'm the only one who gets to wear sunglasses.

A stowaway?

There he is!

It's the ten-time grape stomping champion

of Napa Valley.

And the crowd goes wild.

Mitchie the Kid.

Hell yeah, the Napa Boys are back

for one final adventure

with a few new friends.

My feet are all tingling from the grapes.

Just getting my new batch ready

for the qualifying tasting event.

Napa Boys Rule Number 23,

"Always taste the freshest batch."

Mm-hmm.

It's delicious. God!

Hey, Miles Jr..

I'm so sorry I wasn't at your daughter

and wife's wake.

I, uh... I made a little special portrait for you,

but I dropped it in a wine barrel

and it was destroyed.

I'm sorry I couldn't be there.

So...

Well, I'm glad you guys enjoy the vintage.

It may be my winery's last shot.

Sadly, Mitch's Winery is in a lot of trouble

before it even got its purple feet off the ground.

Between the economy, climate change, which is real,

and Squirm Wineries hogging all the resources,

we're in trouble.

Everything depends

on my vintage winning this year's Great Grape Festival.

I hear there's a super-secret celebrity guest

this year at the Great Grape Festival.

I wonder who it is.

Well, it's delicious. You're a shoo-in.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the original Napa Boys.

Back in town for the Great Grape Festival, I assume.

Yeah, Mitch's husband.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got to get back to stomping this batch.

I got to get it ready for the qualifier later today.

You guys want to come with?

Hey, we'll help you out at the wine qualifier, Mitch.

To the Napa Valley Social Country Club we go.

Napa Valley.

Look at all this Napa puss just ripe

for the pussy pickings.

It's like puss-mas out here.

More like stomach ache-mas.

Come on, Miles Jr., you gotta get your mojo back.

Ooh, Stifler's brother's getting in

on the puss-mas spirit.

Take notes, Miles Jr.

Hey, what?

Whoa, I'm the Scrooge of puss-mas now?

- Yes. - Wait up.

These two.

Welcome.

Welcome, Napa's finest.

The preliminary judging is about to begin,

so let us raise our glasses

and recite the Napa toast.

To the grape!

Hey, everybody.

This is my Napa girlfriend, Trixie.

- Hi. - That's right, man.

And she has, uh... she has everything we need, man.

She has some E, LSD, extended release,

Viagra, ketamine, anything we need.

- Thank you, sweetheart. - Fuck yeah.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna use this to crush it. I'm gonna crush it.

Wow, I'm really a big fan of Trixie.

Fuck yeah. I'm gonna open these, too.

Oh, fuck! Oh...

All right, time for the tasting.

Remember, Napa Boys, we all need to love our wine, okay?

We are the third entry.

Mitch's Winery depends on it.

So all we have to do is just convey

to everyone that we love Mitch's wine the best.

I'm sure it'll be really easy to publicly

- enjoy your wine. - We got to love it.

We're going to convey that to you.

We're gonna... We're gonna...

No matter what, your wine is the best to us.

Our first entry

and winner of the last five festivals,

Squirm Wineries.

Thank you, honey. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Ooh, now that's the good stuff.

I mean, it's not a mystery why he always wins.

He always wins.

All right, the Squirm's gonna be hard to beat, folks,

but let's try the second entry,

number two.

Oh, my God, why is your boner so big?

Erectile dysfunction and laxatives?

Did you mix up your nerd pills with her cool drugs?

I think so.

The pills I was doing switched on me, be right back.

Come on.

Did you try it, Seth? It's... It's damn good.

It's happening. It's happening. I can't stop it.

I can't stop it.

Don't cum.

Think about baseball.

Think about baseball.

Oh!

It's hot!

I'm shitting and cumming.

I'm shitting and cumming.

I'm cumming.

Now it's time for the third entry,

Ew.

Mitch's Winery.

You might know Mitch as one of the Napa Boys.

Whoo!

Psst. Miles Jr.

I just came and shit in Mitch's wine.

Oh, did you? That's a really smart move.

Here it is, Miles Jr., my pride and joy.

Entry three, my good sir.

Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Looks good, Mitch.

Drink the wine before she pours any more, all right?

Make a speech! Make a speech!

Uh... I... I just wanted to say, uh... Before...

Excuse me.

I'd love to try the taste.

It's a little unorthodox,

but if you want to speak or say something, Miles Jr.,

- do your thing. - I just wanted

to be here to say that I would like the first sip

of Mitch's Winery's entry number three.

Drink it.

I will begin my sipping right away.

By all means, Miles Jr., do your thing.

When you're a Napa Boy...

- Drink. - ...you drink...

your friend's....

Yeah. Almost there.

Dude, you got some on me.

All right, good.

I think I'm...

- loving it. - Hold on, wait a second.

Looking more closely, it seems like someone has shit

and cum into this wine.

You did not mean for this to be filled

with the shit and the cum.

No, neither of them.

All right, so you'll resubmit tomorrow

with a fresh glass and...

Oh, my God.

I don't even think anyone wants to even drink this

because of the shit and the... and the cum.

They're going to give him another shot.

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you ever so much.

Well, well, well. If it isn't the Napa Boys.

Great. Here comes this weirdo.

I see you have a Black with you now.

Oh, who's this?

Some sort of female woke-toke Mary Sue.

Um, I cannot believe the Squirm just

called me a Mary Sue.

Well, that's what you are, aren't you?

Especially if you hang out with this lot

of race-mixing rats.

This guy is a jerk with a capital J.

Very interesting.

I could see all of you in an oven,

like the Holocaust.

Not Hansel and Gretel.

Squirm, that's almost as bad

as the other stuff you've said tonight.

Maybe even more bad than the shit-and-cum wine.

Oh!

Speaking of, Mitch...

the bitch...

You and your gay-ass husband might have gotten lucky

this time, but my winery is going to win this year.

How could you even afford a winery, Squirm?

Crypto, baby!

Yes, I big shorted Squirm coin before the dip.

Oh, valet!

Valet!

Fetch me my Rolls Royce!

Man, you really suck. Even Squirm's viral.

We cannot let the Squirm win the Great Grape Festival.

It's gonna be tough, but we'll come up

with another batch by then.

We'll all help you out, Mitch.

That's what being a Napa Boy is all about.

I wonder why our wine was filled to the brim

with shit and cum.

Talk to him about it.

Okay, I just have to say,

I'm a really big fan of your comic.

Oh, oh, thank you so...

We Napa Boys are gonna be friends forever.

It was just a wedding cake!

That was spot on, Loretta.

You should be on my Napa Boys podcast.

But joking aside,

I'm really sorry for your loss, Miles Jr.

If you need anything, I'll be serving over there.

Huh. Oh... oh, thank you.

More like serving looks at my widowed king,

Miles Jr.

She's like a real fan, and she seems mature.

I mean, she could be wife material.

You really think so?

Yeah, Miles Jr., it's all you.

What about Napa Boys Rule Number 55,

"Grapes before gals."

No, bud, this doesn't break any rules.

Tonight, you are Han Solo.

Miles Jr., listen to Kevin.

I am Han Solo.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna fucking...

I'm gonna fucking fuck her so hard.

And this time,

leave your skateboard at home, okay?

You're almost 40.

Oh, rockin' pad, ladies.

Thanks. We try to keep it tidy.

She does. I'm a complete hog.

Oink, oink, bitch.

Here, here's my friend, Mr. Normal.

You remember him.

Horses they're so... are everywhere, so careful.

That's why she picked a horse.

Oh, because, uh... because your big dick.

That's right, my big black mamba.

Did someone call my name?

What? We're having fun.

See the fun we're having?

Horses and headphones.

And I was thinking about

how if a horse had headphones and how

I have headphones when I go running.

And it's like I listen to the Transparent theme song

like on repeat.

It's like a very soothing thing.

And yeah, again,

if you're tired, drink some water.

I'm going to go talk to my boy Miles Jr. here

for a second. Just hang out.

- Okay. - Okay.

You're scaring away the pussy.

- You're scaring away the... - They're loving us.

- They're loving us. - No, they're not.

Miles Jr., I'm gonna get you laid.

I love her.

Girls don't like anyone who loves them.

Don't you know that?

You're right. You're right.

Now, you know what you do love?

Huh? Wine. Huh?

Now we're gonna go back there. We're gonna have some wine.

- Get Miles Jr. some pussy. - Hey!

- Who's ready for some vino? - Oh, my God.

Oh, I see. I see. This is so fucking hot.

Now, remember, Vegas, baby.

- Your money. Your money, baby. - Your money.

- Yeah. - Now, go get some pussy.

I'll be right back.

All right.

Remember, Miles Jr.

Wha...

I didn't know she could do that.

Mm. The talking thing?

- Yeah. - It's an act.

She uses her hands.

That's so...

I just, um, yeah, no, I love the way you phrase things.

I mean, that's so cool.

You're so cute when you're nervous.

You're so cute.

Ow!

So I got to say,

you're one of the leading botanists in the world.

How are you a waitress in Napa, of all places?

You see, being a waitress is more than just serving.

There's something about seeing a smile

on a customer's face.

I'll just walk over to bring them food.

And I don't mean food.

I mean a meal. You know what meal means.

It means comfort.

It's... It's like Bilbo when he says he misses comfort.

I mean, being a waitress is everything.

I bring the water, the clinking of the cleaning,

the different people, and everyone likes me.

I get to wear a uniform.

We serve America.

Heck, we've served the world.

We are the world's oldest profession.

Your comic helped me realize that.

I guess now I'm the one that's rambling.

One can't just ramble anymore.

Do you ever think about that?

Nowadays, they would just fast forward unless I was

gonna kill or be killed.

No.

The world's not cut out for rambling.

It kind of makes me sad.

When a waitress walks up and stops your conversation,

that's how I save rambling.

I'm sorry.

I choked... I just choked on the water.

I guess my point is, it's really hard being a girl

and also being into The Lord of the Rings

and everything that comes with it.

They say you gotta love yourself before you love someone else.

You know, but I... I hate myself, and...

I love, uh, you.

Oh.

Here, I want to give you something.

When will I need it?

Now, I heard that you're into music.

Well...

I tend to groove to a different cuties.

Oh, my God.

I'm your little horsey.

I'm your jockey.

Saddle me, Seabiscuit.

Now let's have a little fun.

What are you taking out?

Huh?

Is that supposed to go in me?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, oh, oh, dude.

Dude, it hurts. It hurts.

But I like it.

Oh, not really soundproof, huh?

Not at all.

What's that book you're opening?

The Kama Sutra.

The Kamas-what?

Uh, am I doing Tantra right now?

I really hope Miles Jr.'s fucking too,

because I'm having some great sex.

We can...

We can...

I'm having so much fun.

You... You do it... Fuck her, dude.

Dude, dude, dude. Fuck her. Fuck her.

Fuck her. Fuck her. Du... Fuck her! Dude!

Dude, I'm fucking. You have to fuck, now!

Fuck her. Fuck her now!

We were up late working on the new vintage.

Here are photos of each F slur I found.

Maybe we can compare handwriting samples

with everyone in town?

I'll be the judge of that.

All right, we'll get to the bottom of this.

Wow. That's a lot of F-slurs.

F-slurs all over. Look at that.

Fourteen F-slurs.

I'm counting three, but yeah, that's a lot.

No, look here. Look here.

Oh, there's a whole bunch of them.

I've never seen so many F-slurs.

Who would do something like this?

If it isn't the burp twins.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the original Napa Boys.

Back at it again. Wow.

Yeah, the only thing we had going was

that moose on the loose.

And now a hate crime?

You're suggesting a moose did this?

A wily moose wrote these things?

Don't be ridiculous.

Now, if I was a moose, I'd go up the creek

and use my horns to sip the Merlot.

You two always did love Merlot.

Ah, I wonder why you became cops.

And don't forget the donuts.

Yeah, you got it.

- I love the donuts. - If you were a moose

and your antlers got the Merlot,

it would spill on your fur.

Let me tell you something.

I don't like you Napa Boys, okay?

Guys, look.

The Sommelier's amulet's never glowed like this before.

We have to go back to the cave.

Some say the devil comes for you at your highest moment.

Well, I say, not this day.

Napa calls.

John, we'll be back.

Mitch's assistant,

go fill out the rest of that paperwork, baby.

Thank you, guys.

You know, there's something about those Napa Boys

that I like.

Yeah. I'm with you. I know exactly what you mean.

I don't know what it is, but it's something.

They got a little, what is it, X factor, you told me.

Now, hey, is this your husband?

- No, that one was. - Ah.

We made it.

All right.

Come on.

Won't budge.

It's not going to happen.

Hey, it's not going to happen.

I'll... I'll try. I'll try.

Sure, yeah, go ahead.

Oh.

She did it on the first try.

Come on, guys.

"To be a Napa Boy is to be free."

"To be a Napa Boy is to suck the marrow

out of life and not, when they come to die,

discover they had not lived, but to tell me once and for all

a true friend always forgives and always forgets."

"You princes of Maine, Kings of New England."

"Miles, you can't put a joke on the plaque."

Wow.

She fits in just right.

She's in the gang, guys.

She really is one of us.

She knew the whole thing?

Lucky guess.

Um...

Why is my cake in this treasure box?

I can't believe it.

It's the cake.

There's no way The Sommelier expected us

to come all the way back here just for the cake.

God, I miss my winery.

I should be back preparing for the Great Grape Festival.

We don't even know if The Sommelier even exists.

The Sommelier has to exist, Miles Jr.

He just has to.

Jack Jr.

- Come on my cake. - Let's go, Miles Jr.

Come on.

Water. My favorite.

Water's your favorite?

Mitch?

I love the feel of water on my hands.

How's it feel? How's it feel?

Watch out on those rocks, Mitch.

Mitch. Watch...

- You fell into the rapids. - Ow, Mitch!

Why don't you hand me your famous skateboard

to pull me up, Miles Jr.?

I can't reach.

Ah, Puck!

Great, Mitch and that other one are dead.

And it's all exactly how you planned it.

Is that what you wanted, Miles?

Why would I want that?

Because you got it.

What are you talking about?

For your footage, bitch.

What footage?

The writer's secret.

You remember things and then use it in your material.

How do you know about the writer's secret?

- Who told you that? - You know what?

You're the fucking Sammy Fabelman

of comic books, dude.

Uh, I'm the Sammy Fabelman

of graphic novels.

See, you admit it.

Napa Boys Rule Number 109,

"Never question The Sommelier."

Oh, yeah, Napa Boys Rule Number, uh, 104,

"You're a stupid asshole."

- That's not a rule. - Yes, it is a rule.

Yeah, right.

Napa Boys Rule Number 54, uh, "Miles Jr. sucks his own dick."

Uh, number hundred...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What?

Napa Boys Rule Number 2,

"Never fight with another Napa Boy."

- It's true. - Come on.

It's true.

You hear that?

What? I don't hear anything.

It's this way.

This way, yeah.

- Huh? - This way.

Look. Look everyone, it's snowing!

Whoa, the snow, it's so crazy. Here you go.

- Thank you. - Careful, it's cold.

As I was saying, I found myself in the trappings

of a conventional, 20th-century existence.

Dog, family, picket fence, the whole nine.

Sure.

Then I took ayahuasca in the D.R.

I wake up.

I FaceTime my family. I'm looking at them,

and I realize... they're all strangers, you know?

Uh-huh.

You mean like the way I see my dad

or like you're the dad?

They're just like all these strangers that are assigned

to me for these arbitrary societal reasons.

And really, it's just completely out of my control.

But emotionally, I was very clear.

My family are strangers who I don't know.

Do you want to know me?

So, so badly.

Be tender.

Be sweet to me.

I don't know, Trix.

I guess I, um...

I guess I just always wanted to be like Zorro.

Or like...

Or like some sort of like a hero or something, you know?

Like, you know, Zorro's Hispanic

and I'm a Black guy from Compton.

Hey, listen to me. You're my hero.

And how you found me, you got me to stop dealing.

I love you. You know that, right?

- I love you more. - No.

Not possible.

If you would have told me when I was a boy

that my first Napa Boy adventure,

I'd... I'd find the love of my life. I...

I... I could do a backflip or some shit.

- Do a backflip. - I would fucking do a backflip.

- I dare you to do a backflip. - You dare me

- to do a backflip? - Right now.

- Watch my briefcase, baby. - Okay.

In the name of love.

Whoo! Yeah!

Whoa, good form.

Wow.

Miles Jr., this is like living a dream.

I've never seen snow before.

Did your magic dance cause this?

No, silly.

It's Napa.

Whoa!

Snow in Napa?

Damn those Napa Boys.

God damn them.

The wine... Mitch left the top off the barrel.

The new batch is ruined.

The boys, they grow.

They grow and become men.

Oh, my God.

Baby we gotta get out of here.

Hey.

Trixie.

Trixie.

Trixie.

- Dude, what the fuck? - Trixie!

What the fuck?

- Get up. - Trixie!

Really?

Where'd they go?

She's fucking dead! She fucking overdosed!

Is she okay?

She said she was gonna cut that shit out!

Help!

- That's beautiful. - The card is good.

What can I say about Trixie that hasn't already been said?

Oh, fuck. It's that moose that everybody looking for.

Yeah, of course. Of course I'm going to die by moose.

Hey, I'm going to kill it.

Run, Majestic Moose! Run! What up, Napa Boys?

- Snooch. - Look who it is.

The Abbot and Costello of New Jersey.

What are you guys doing here?

We're moose hunting. What does it fucking look like?

Oh, right. We're moose hunter hunting.

All right, messing with fucking Elmer Fudd,

going FernGully on their asses.

That's beautiful. You guys really care.

Miles Jr., you little virgin, man.

How's that wife? She is fucking fine.

Oh, what, man?

You have something to say?

Sorry, guys.

Maybe if you had a bigger franchise,

we might get a speech.

You know what? Fuck you. There wasn't gonna be a speech.

Not even a fucking quip.

But now there's gonna be a speech,

because of that fucking attitude.

Jesus. Don't shit on other franchises, man.

Number one, it's bad luck for us.

Number two, everyone's trying their hardest, man.

Don't be the fucking Internet about it.

Miles Jr., what he's trying

to say is we're really sorry that you're going

through it right now, man. Like, sometimes life

"lifes" you straight up the ass, often lubeless.

But fuck all that. You're the Napa Boys, man.

You guys are inspiring. You inspired us.

Fuck, man, look at you.

You're all about fellowship and vino and shit like that.

So, what happened?

Did you get old? Did you grow up?

Did you let go of your hopes and dreams?

Why? Because of a fairness fallacy?

Fuck that. Look at Jack Jr.

Motherfucker cheats on his wife relentlessly,

still has a really beautiful and alive family.

And look at him.

Fucking beautiful, right? Stunning.

Looks like a young Tony Curtis.

And this is gonna sound corny as shit,

but you know what you really are?

Do you know?

Do you know what they really are?

Beautiful.

They're the family that they've chosen.

You're the family you've chosen, which is way better

than the family you're stuck with.

You guys need to go find the Milfonator, man.

She'll help you out. Go to her house.

Thirty clicks down this road, okay?

You'll get there just fine.

And, boys, take it from Jay and Silent Bob.

You're gonna make it to the Great Grape Festival.

And speaking of Jay and Silent Bob,

when you see the Milfonator, you give her maybe one, two,

no, three pumps from us snoogins.

Thank you, guys. Down here?

Yeah, over that way. Remember, 30 clicks.

Thirty clicks.

Yeah, nice meeting you.

Yeah, good seeing you guys. Yeah, snooches.

All right, listen.

Why don't we go up that hill, go look for that moose,

find it, and fuck it?

I'm at the Milfonator's house, aren't I?

I haven't seen this old bitch since I fucked her 20 years ago,

so, don't fuck this up for me, dude.

What are you saying, man?

Hey, Kim, what are you doing here?

You stopped by Milfonator house too, like us?

You Napa Boys must be here to say hi

to the so-called Milfonator.

Uh, yes, yes, I would. Thank you.

- That would be so nice. - Mom!

Mom, the Napa Boys are here.

- Mom? - I have to go.

- Okay. - Bye, Jack.

- Bye. - Bye.

Is she my fucking daughter, dude?

I don't know.

Is she my fucking daughter, dude?

- No. I don't... - Did I just fuck--

Did I just fuck my own daughter, dude?

I don't know, what am I, Mr. Math?

Yes.

Well, well, well.

Miles Jr. and his no-good cohort, Jack Jr.

Come in, boys. Come in. Welcome.

Milfonator, the Napa Boys are lost.

We need your help.

Oh, you naughty Napa Boys. Always breezin' in.

Always asking the wrong questions.

Dude, I fucked my daughter.

Actually, it's not really important right now.

The Milfonator is right here,

now, your little daddy-daughter novella or whatever...

So, we traveled here from the cave cellar of wonder,

and we need your help.

The Sommelier predicted

once the Napa Boys were reunited...

they would give the world...

Well, the message doesn't exactly say,

it just keeps repeating.

Speak, you frail bitch!

Find the grape.

Find the grape.

Find the grape.

Find the grape!

Quiet, quiet.

- Is Milfonator fucking dead? - I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. What?

Where the fuck are your pants?

Dude, I told you about my belt malfunction, bro!

- Okay, I'll follow. - Oh, I'm sorry.

You didn't mention a thing about the fucking belt.

Where the fuck are your pants?

Every time I'm at the Milfonator's,

I also get a boner.

When I don't wear a belt, my pants fall off.

They called me the Queen of Petticoat Lane.

I guess I was in a way.

I remember I did wear a petticoat once.

But the nickname had already been attached.

So, I guess I was kind of playing into it some.

And I remember saying right then and there...

"I was going to enjoy life."

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Come on, you a trailblazing legend, okay?

I'm proud of you. You taught us all to live life.

And I honestly can't even say that I have.

You're one of the last real cowboys on this earth.

I love you like a daughter.

Are you an angel?

No, ma'am.

I'm a Napa Boy.

You know what he meant

when he told us he had that darn dream?

You must sleep now, Miss Milfonator,

Queen of Petticoat Lane.

I guess everyone always said

if I wanted to be a real reporter,

I'd have to become the story.

So, I guess this is a good thing.

I don't feel so good.

It's all right.

We will get you back to the grape festival

in time, Mitch.

Oh, no.

- I'm a big dum-dum, Puck. - No.

Why?

The berries are ruined. My winery, bye-bye.

All is lost.

Find the grape.

Find the grape.

Hmm!

Oh, yummy, yummy, yummy. Oh, my St. Algier.

Special magic berries.

I took wine making in grade school.

I know all about crystallizing. Give it here.

It's rare in this climate,

but it can render a pretty dope effect

on the vintage.

And sure, we use refrigerators instead of a freak snowfall.

So, it's true. You're all witches?

No, it's not magic. It's science.

With a berry this dark,

the wine would be classified as...

As what?

It can't be.

Can't be what?

What are you smiling at?

What's the good news?

What's happening?

It'd be good to see the girls again.

We are just confirming details

that the Napa girls are now dead.

The beloved counterpart to the Napa Boys...

Hey, baby. What's going on?

The Napa girls are dead. It's terrible.

Their spaceship crashed

along the coast of Big Sur.

Napa girls are dead?

Feels like I'm in a bad dream.

- Got these for you. - Thank you.

Yeah, it feels like I'm dreaming.

Um, uh, Loretta. I texted you yesterday.

You cannot be serious right now.

I told you I needed to take it slow

- from day one... - But it is slow.

It is slow, Loretta.

Don't you understand? we're just two people.

We're just two people And you know what? Here I am,

and I fell in love.

And isn't that what we're here for on this earth?

Not for texting and taking it slow,

but for love and kisses.

I should have known dating a Napa Boy.

The sign didn't say Napa men.

I am a man, Mommy.

- Oh, my God. - Loretta! I said Loretta!

You texted her? I told you to wait four days, pussy.

Shut the fuck up!

Don't talk to him like that, you crybaby.

Yeah, he is a big crybaby.

He cried about his skateboard the other day, too.

Skateboarding? You can't be serious.

I thought you were quitting skateboarding, Miles Jr.

I can't believe I thought I was gonna marry you.

Loretta! I made you a mix CD.

Oh, my God.

Look, look.

It's got special... It's not just like famous songs.

You realize you're the same age as they were in City Slickers?

Baby.

I'm young.

Come now, kitties.

Come, my kitties. Come, come, come.

Kitty, kitty, kitties. Yes. Good. Very good.

Very good, kitties. Yes.

Aw. If it isn't little Miles Jr.

Get out of here, Squirm!

Get out of here? No, I think not.

In fact, I'd rather fuck my own sister.

Come to think of it, I just may.

Life is short not to fuck your sister.

You take your cats and you get lost.

Miles, have you met my cats?

This cat's name is Amelia.

And this little kitty's name is Miles Jr.'s

dead little daughter.

Watch it, Squirm.

And for those of you keeping score at home,

that's Squirm one, Napa Boys zero.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a grape festival to win.

Sometimes I just wonder if I'll ever make it

out of Napa Valley.

I'll take you far away from here, baby.

I wish you were in love with me the way Miles Jr. loves Loretta.

I am, so much more than him.

I'm the one who taught him all that sappy stuff.

Sappy?

Sappy to the cynics of the world.

I told you to get a divorce is a sin in my culture.

Here. I want to show you this.

Look at all this stupid shit.

"Petite Brasserie"?

"Chateau Paris." These are all French restaurants.

Guilty as charged, I'm a baguette head,

- but I'm also a match head. - You like to burn things?

Never. I keep them in case the Gemini moon ever arrives,

you silly goose.

- Fireworks. - Wow.

The festival begins.

That must be the festival. That's where we gotta head.

Happy birthday, Puck.

Thanks, Mitch.

A toast.

Here.

Here's to Puck's special wine.

Oh, careful. You're spilling.

No, I like to decant it with beard hair.

Not your dream birthday date, I guess.

What? Sure you are.

Really? But I can't even dance.

I told John I would do a country dance with him

at the Great Grape Festival.

I can't even do a country dance.

Turn on that portable radio.

The Great Grape Festival.

Wow, look, even the mayor of Napa's here.

See, Miles Jr.? Everything's gonna be all right.

What the fuck are you talking about?

- Nothing is all right. - I'm talking about me for once.

I believe in something called positive energy.

Meanwhile, you're here with your negative, pussy-less,

wifeless energy,

I'm here sipping delicious pinot grig,

plowing this smoking hot blonde while my wife

- is home none the wiser. - Your wife?

My wife?

Uh, out with the old, in with the new, I always say.

Screw my wife. Um, I'm trying to tell you

about how much I love plowing her pussy.

- Don't you hear that? - Turn around!

Turn around! Help me!

Oh, no. Miles Jr., are you okay?

- Hi. - Hey, honey.

Oh, my God. How did you get here?

You surprised me again.

- You always surprise me. - I know.

Look at Miles Jr., asleep on the floor as usual.

Such a little bitch.

Now, it is time for us to introduce

our super-secret celebrity guest judge.

You're gonna wonder how we got this guy here,

and I'll just say,

uh, we made him an offer he couldn't refuse.

Here he is,

the king of wine himself, Francis Ford Coppola!

Oh, my fucking God.

No, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby.

As I always tell my beautiful daughter,

Sophia, Napa Valley is the closest

earthly embodiment of Caesar Catalina's vision

for Megalopolis.

- It's an amazing film. - Of course it's a great film.

All of his films are great. That's the problem.

Francis Ford Coppola is my wife's one hall pass.

Gnarly.

You know, Trixie said we would never need a hall pass,

because she would just put me on it. But she died.

I make wine.

Imagine competing for my wife

with Francis Ford Coppola.

I know, like I always say, women are crazy.

Hey, yuck, not all of us are.

Who's ready for the smooches?

And one more thing, Tetro.

- She's gonna fuck him. - Mm-mm.

Maybe not.

- Two and three. - Two and three.

- I'm a dancer. - You're a natural.

Now, spin.

I'm making you spin.

Oh, sorry.

You know... it's funny.

When you're a kid, you just go to sleep.

A little regular style.

By closing your eyes and...

I don't know what you call that. You just sort of...

Do they have a name for that? A name for...

What am I going to do

about Francis Coppola fucking my wife?

Are you crying?

Look, now, who's crying, right? Now, who's crying?

I can't lose Monica, man. I know I'm a bad person.

I know I cheated on her and I do bad things,

but you know about flowers?

And you know about what music to pick out?

Come on, give me a writer's secret.

A Fabelman miracle?

Come on, Miles Jr., think.

Help him think. His eye's wet.

Okay, hold on. Just hold on. Let me think.

- Help me. - Okay, I've got it.

I've got it. Just let go.

Okay.

Why don't you just go dress up as Francis Ford Coppola

and then go fuck her as Francis Ford Coppola?

As Francis... This is why people love writers.

Miles Jr.... ...you're a genius.

Hey, megalopolis heads.

I don't think I feel well, Master.

We're almost there.

You're saving me.

Oh, bother. A snake bit my hand now.

- What? - My hand, a snake bit it.

Mitch, can you hear me?

- Look away now. - Okay.

Ow.

You don't have to do that.

Thank you for taking the poison out of me, Puck.

That's what Napa Boys do.

Francis, is that you? I'm ready.

Yes, Monica, it's me, Francis Ford Coppola.

I made One from the Heart.

I want you to go Apocalypse Now on this pussy.

Look here, man.

I was just looking through this law book.

It says that what Jack Jr. is about to do

is still considered naughty, man, even if it's your wife.

We got to stop him, man. Come on.

Robert Evans and I

had a lot of disagreements.

I also make wine, and I'm not Jack Jr.

We got to stop him

before he does the naughty with his wife.

I'm going to put my penis twixt...

Oh, yes. Hello. It's me, Francis Ford Coppola.

Now, Miles Jr. is going to fuck my wife.

He's not fucking her.

Yeah, but she's so wet for him.

You and Steven and Brian and George.

Oh, shit. It's the real Coppola.

I wanna fuck someone who's not my husband.

Put it in me, Francis. Oh, yeah.

- Give it to me, Francis. - Uh...

I made The Godfather.

This is a very exciting tennis match here.

Otter!

Otter, my son!

I'm never going to miss another big game again.

But not just the big ones.

I'm not going to miss a regular game either.

Kevin! Kevin! This is so unlike you.

Oh, my God. You're going to make me blush.

Blush. Go ahead and blush away. You were right about everything.

I'm going to do everything completely differently now.

Hello? Um, can I please speak to my husband?

His name's Kevin. Have you seen him around?

I turned down the call of the amulet for you, Annie.

- For us. - Kevin.

I've been praying to Jesus that you'd come home soon.

I'm done with the Napa Boys. It's time for me to be a man.

You know, I was sitting there in that cave with everybody,

and I realized something.

They're grasping onto something that doesn't exist.

Your best friends are great, but I...

I have new best friends now.

It's my family.

I'm choosing my family!

I'm choosing my family.

Ooh! Whoa! Oh. It is so exciting.

All right, folks, it's time to announce the big winner.

Okay, if no one else shows up,

then we at the Napa Council will have no choice

but to award Vintage of the Year to the Squirm.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Mm-hmm. Ooh. Now, uh, read my name

or my father will have your head.

All right, well, here we go.

The winner is...

- Squirm... - Hold the proceeding!

Wait!

Let's just say Mitch's Winery is disqualified, yes?

Yes, most likely, but not until...

It's a special Merlot.

No, I think you must be mistaken, little boy.

Yes.

Everyone knows there's no such thing as a good Merlot.

I do think that, but we do need to at least...

No, come on. Say the Squirm wins.

- Squirm wins. - Patience, patience, young man.

Just give me a second here. I have to go through the thing.

Once I have this taste,

then we know I've given everybody...

And this one, of course, is not...

Well, actually, hold on a second.

It is not as... Mm. Mm-hmm.

Wow. I mean, well...

All right.

My duty as a judge requires me to give an honest assessment.

And that assessment is that this is...

It's good.

Dare I say?

It's the winner! It's the winner! Come on!

Yes! Yes!

Let's get those cheers going!

Wine 'n' cheese!

I have to stop you all.

Puck must come up,

for she is the true berry finder,

the new leader of the Napa Boys.

Puck! Puck, come up here!

What? A girl main character?

A girl main character, indeed.

No!

For those of you keeping score at home, Squirm one,

Napa Boys one. It's a tie!

It's a tie!

See, Miles Jr., I told you everything's gonna be all right.

As mayor of Napa City,

in the county of Napa Valley,

I hereby present

to you most regally the key to the city.

And this, a certificate that shows you are now

officially a real reporter, Puck.

Not that you really need it,

for you've had it inside you all along.

Now, what do you have to say for yourself?

If we shadows have offended, think but this...

and party!

Yay! Go, Puck! She's great.

That's... That's my intern.

Hey, Mitch. Can I talk to you for a second?

- Hello, Greg. - How you doing?

I, um, hope you understand.

We thought you were gone. We had a funeral.

We sat and we toasted you and the loss of our farm.

Poor sweet John just had to move on, you know?

And besides, I think we'd been feeling something.

Building that winery with you

was one of the greatest joys of my life.

Sorry that love works the way it does,

but I wish it didn't.

To the grape.

Hi, Mitch.

Some of us Napa Boys are going out there

to Lookout Point to go watch some fireworks.

You trying to roll?

The fireworks?

Yeah.

You know?

You know, I got to admit, real or not,

The Sommelier exists

in all of our hearts and brought us all together.

Yeah. Well said, Stifler's brother.

And don't forget, I won the Great Grape Festival,

so, my winery will reopen.

Yo, the OG Napa Boys!

Hey! Legends.

Hey, it's the New Class.

Congrats on winning the Great Grape, y'all.

- Yeah, seriously. - Thanks, Gracer.

Hey, Skylar, maybe your Gutter Hooch

could win next year.

Oh, I wish. It'd be so cool.

There's five of us, and there's five of them.

So, the New Class, we're the New Class.

We're the class.

Miles Jr., I think you better sit down.

Oh, Miles Jr.

You didn't take your anti-anxiety medication.

This is Trixie's extended release LSD.

- I'm sorry about him. - Oh, it's okay.

- Don't even worry. - You're the OG Napa Boys.

Yeah, OG Napa Boys. We love you guys.

Hey, you New Class kids are all right by me.

You New Class kids are protectors

because you think I'm old.

No.

Yeah, you're, like, medium. Yeah, young.

- Yeah. - Because my wife

and my daughter, they died.

- Oh. - Yeah, yeah.

We're really sorry, Miles Jr.

But I could try to have a new kiss.

Maybe not over here, but somewhere.

- But, yeah, in general. - Yeah, in general, for sure.

Like, totally kiss.

Hey, New Class kids, pass a cup of that Gutter Hooch to me.

This hooch, it's neither Pinot nor Merlot.

It's just, um, just fluid.

Could I have a cup of that Gutter... Hooch?

- Yeah. - Please.

Could you? Jack Jr.

Having a little dance.

What do you think, Jack Jr.?

Oh, damn! Damn!

Hey, yo, yo, no cap, I'd love to watch the adventures

- of the New Class. - We'll sign it up.

- The New Class. - Thanks.

- Younger. - Have more money.

Adventures that are similar to the ones you went on,

- but new and updated. - Oh, yeah.

I have an announcement.

- Okay. - Puck,

I love you.

And since the moment I met you, I knew you'd be my wife.

And in front of the New Class, will you marry me?

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

He's on the pills.

She's never going to fuck you, dude.

Just get over it.

You're fucking embarrassing yourself.

Might want to let it harvest the winter.

Exactly what I said, Stifler's brother.

You never said that, Skylar.

- We're part of movie history. - Thank you.

They can't take this away from us.

We're in it. We're in it.

Lawrence of Arabia?

Yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. We're Lawrence of Arabia.

Yeah. Movie history.

- Miles Jr. - Just like in the comics.

Hey, why was there cake in the treasure box?

What the fuck was that?

I mean, what the fuck was that?

Wasn't it a Sommelier? Hey, Miles Jr., check this out.

Look, look, look. Look, look, look.

- It's Kevin. - I'm choosing my family!

It's Kevin. Someone uploaded this.

He's viral, man.

Kevin's settled down with his family.

- He's really happy. - He's viral.

It's something you're never gonna be.

Okay?

I... Fuck Puck, man.

You know, it's pretty awesome

to learn that the legends about this place

are truer than true.

You're a New Class kid.

Why are you all alone? We're having fun over there.

Hey, what's wrong?

Okay, I'm a fucking nobody. Who cares?

Hey, I don't like to hear that. You're not a nobody.

I think you're pretty cool.

And I'm Jack Jr., so, I would know who's cool.

I guess it might be nice to talk to somebody for once.

I'll help you out. I went to Napa High, actually.

Yeah.

I guess I've been wanting to tell somebody about,

um, my dream.

Yes, dreams.

God, this is what we need more of, man.

Like, yes, dreams, dreams.

Let's talk about your dreams. I'd love to hear that. Man.

My dream is... to make my name known.

Yes, your name.

- What is your name? - Prancer.

That's a weird and cool name. I think that name is awesome.

And yes, I want it known everywhere.

I want everyone in Napa to know the name "Prancer."

And I want to rectify all the wrong that's been done

against me with bullets as hot as the fucking sun, man.

What?

I want to light this bitch up. I want to kill.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, don't say stuff like that. That's not fucking cool.

The last cool thing you could ever do

is shoot up the fucking school, you incel piece of shit.

- It's... - What are you talking about?

All I'm saying is, "Fuck off, go away, go away, go away."

Yo, stop. All right? I'm gonna go over there.

Do you know those kids over there?

Who really knows anybody, man?

All right, just get the shit out of your fucking head.

- Who really knows anybody, man? - All right.

Very funny. Stop that shit.

Hey!

What's wrong, little friend?

- Mind if I have a little sit? - Whatever.

Well, listen, don't be so sad. What's your little name?

- Prancer. - Prancer?

Yeah.

- Prancer? - Yeah.

Prancer, the Sitting Bridge Troll.

Yeah.

God, you really changed my mind about things.

- Miles Jr.? - Oh, my...

I think you're going to want to follow me.

- Come on. - Um, just promise me, okay?

I will.

Follow your dream no matter what.

Guys, something's happening to the amulet.

Is it a portal?

- Where are we? - Portal?

- Are we in space? - Come on now, buddy.

I may have brain damage,

but even I know if we were in space,

we couldn't breathe.

Look, this way.

The Sommelier.

Napa Boy rule number eleven.

"Always believe in The Sommelier."

I believe you have something of mine.

Oh!

Here. Here, Mr. Sommelier.

Glad you received my amulet's call, Miss Puck.

- My intern? - See, Miles Jr.?

The Sommelier had a plan all along.

This all happened so Puck could discover

the only good Merlot to ever exist.

Nice job, Puck.

- Yeah. - Way to go, Puck.

Why, Sommelier?

Why have you asked us to come all this way?

Jack Jr., care to explain?

- Yeah. - J... Jack Jr.?

Oh, my God. What the fuck?

I just wanted the Napa Boys to go

on one last adventure.

That's right. Jack Jr. hired me.

I've been working on his last will and testament

- this entire time. - Thanks, man.

Yes, that's why Jack Jr. hired Stifler's brother.

We love you, buddy. We love you the most.

I know you love me the most.

All of these things are things that I knew and planned for.

Jack Jr. versus the Big C.

I bet that's gonna make a great comic book.

I... I...

I don't know. It's just so funny

that you mentioned cancer tonight.

"Funny"? Please explain.

Okay, I was talking to this New Class kid,

and she had cancer of the dream.

Because she kept saying,

"I... I'm not going to live my ultimate dream,"

and I said, "Always follow your dream

no matter what."

Was her name Prancer?

"Prancer?" "Uh, hi, Santa, um..."

"Santa, get the..."

I... I think her name was Prancer.

Miles Jr., you really fucked up this time.

- No, right. - I am going right.

Why did you tell the shooter

to follow their dream?

Because I didn't know it was a shooter!

Hey!

You're going the wrong way, Jack Jr.

Will you please talk one at a time.

- You missed the turn! - What?

The reason we're in this mess

- is you, Miles Jr. - That is not true!

Look, we can all agree it's Miles Jr.'s fault

that Napa High is going to get shot up,

but now I need answers. Where is Napa High?

Stop, stop! I can see her! Right there! Right there!

Go, go, go! Miles Jr., go, go!

Don't shoot!

Miles Jr.!

- Wait! - Over here!

No! No! No, there it is! There's the shooter!

Fuck, we're too late!

Don't shoot her! She's gonna shoot 'em!

Don't shoot up your school!

Wait! That's the moose!

Oh.

That's no moose.

- Yes, it is. It's a moose. - Oh, yes. It is, it is.

- Oh. - Damn. Get her.

- Get her, moose. Get her. Yeah. - Ooh.

Now that's some good old-fashioned Napa Boy karma.

Eh, Puck?

Aye. As The Merchant of Venice taught us,

the truth will out.

Don't shoot up your school.

If there's anything that ruins the vibe in America,

it's a school shooting.

That moose is slow dancing with that troubled youth.

Is that a waltz?

I never thought I'd live to solve the mystery

of whether a moose can waltz.

Hey, speaking of mysteries, we never did solve the mystery

of who wrote F-slur on my winery barrels.

I'll admit it. I did.

Wait, I did too.

- What? - I did too.

- Stifler's brother? - We all did.

We all wrote it so we could bond together

and bond through tragedy

because we're the Napa Boys of friendship.

I mean, I guess it worked. It really did work.

I did too, but I meant it.

Squirm!

I always wanted to be one of you Napa Boys.

- Really? - Yeah, right.

My favorite shirt!

Oh, also, Kim's not my daughter.

- So, hey! - Hey!

Yeah, isn't that good? It's good, yeah.

But me and Monica are adopting her.

Hey, that's really nice.

Yeah, that's great.

To adventure.

To the adventure and to the Napa Boys.

Now he's Zorro.

I'm never going to forget this adventure.

It's probably my favorite adventure

out of all of them.

This is the best adventure!

Whoo!

To Trixie! To Trixie!