Original subtitles

Hey, Uncle Phil, what's up, man?

- Hey. Ha-ha-ha. - Hey, what you looking at?

There's some pictures of me and Janice Robertson

from back in the day.

Ah, here we are on campus running from the National Guard.

Man!She isfine!

Ah, tell me about it.

And, um...you're sure that Aunt Viv is cool

with your ex-girlfriend coming to visit, huh?

Oh, uh, actually, Janice was never officially my girlfriend.

Not that I didn't try.

Man, oh, man, did I try.

Flowers, poems, dinners.

I must've sprung for over 50 of 'em.

Well, maybe it would've worked if you had taken her too.

Sorry, it's just a little collegiate humor, you know?

Oh, God, you know what it's like to really go after

a woman and never get her?

No.

Well, finally after two years, I realized that Janice

wasn't gonna have me, so I settled for Vivian.

Oh, no. With Vivian. WithVivian.

Sweetheart, that came out wrong. Honey, honey?

(Philip) Baby.

Geoffrey, prepare Mr. Banks' couch.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story all about ♪

♪ How my life got flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[music continues]

So what time is dad's old flame supposed to be here?

Carlton, she's not daddy's old flame.

They weren't even intimate.

Uncle Phil discussed that with you?

No, I heard him say it in the hall

after mom slammed the door in his face.

Geoffrey, where's my purple tie?

It's in your tie drawer next to the Pringles.

At least that's better than the Kit Kat

he keep with his drawers.

I have the greatest news.

You know Al Riggins, the talk show host?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, he's in a comma and they want me

to test as his replacement.

My horoscope was right. This is my lucky day.

Hilary, aren't you even a little concerned?

Oh, I'm plenty concerned.

My competition is anchorwoman, Mara Lopez

and you know how they favor those minority people.

Maybe science can just come get her brain now.

Ashley, I need your help in the kitchen.

And, Geoffrey, will you please set an extra place at the table

Mr. Banks'friend is bringing her daughter.

Uh, Aunt Viv...ju-just curious.

Um, wo-would this daughter be more of a playmate

for-for Baby Nicky, Ashley or-or none of the above?

- She's 18. - Ah! Good answer.

[exhales]

Men!

Hey, G, I gotta tell you, man

if this girl is built anything like her mother

I might have to check the premises

you know what I'm saying?

I might have to go see what the foundation is like

you know what I mean?

Hold your permit, mister.

What makes you think the daughter's gonna opt for you

when she can have me?

Well, number one, 'cause I won't be saying stuff like "Opt."

Number two, 'cause Geoffrey still has to cut up your food.

Well, this $100 says..

...that she goes out with me...first.

(Will) Okay. Here's $50 and another $50.

You're on, and may the best man win.

- Ha. - Me.

[clears throat] Might I get in on this?

Sure things don't come along every day.

On Master William.

Well, why would you pick him?

Ah, with all due respect, young sir

I've seen you in action with women and quite frankly

you're an idiot.

Fine. I got you both covered.

So, how do I look?

Like a man asking for trouble.

Oh, nonsense.

Vivian and I had a long talk about this yesterday.

She is perfectly secure with Janice's coming to visit.

Hm, so, uh, what happened to your nose, bro?

- Uh, oh, uh, this? - Oh, oh, bo, bo, this.

Well, I-I-I cut myself shaving.

Oh, you were shaving your nose? Okay.

Now, was that before or after you poured

that bucket of cologne on your head?

You are reading way too much into this, Will.

This is just a little dinner with an old friend.

- Ah. - Oh, that's her!

[Geoffrey clears throat]

Mrs. Robertson and her daughter, Wendy.

(both) Damn!

So when my editor decided to do a story

on Post Earthquake Syndrome, I jumped at the chance.

I haven't seen Philip since the Princeton Ten Year Reunion.

[chuckles] Remember we took over the registrar's office in '69?

Ooh, do I? My eyes are still burning from the tear gas.

Wendy, your mother looked radiant even in a gas mask.

Oh, Phil, please stop.

Yes. Phil,pleasestop.

Thank you, Geoffrey.

So I'm at an antiwar rally getting ready

to burn my draft card and Janice offers me a light.

I am so against war.

I mean, there's death and destruction

and they pre-empt your favorite programs.

I remember doing that desert storm thing.

I was trying to find "Knots Landing.."

- Are those prunes? - Yes.

I have this theory about regularity.

Perhaps after dinner, we can go for a drive

and talk about it in depth.

I'm telling you, G, get down for another $100.

You know, I was thinking maybe we could

take a walk on the beach, uh

find a little club, get our boogie on?

Oh, I love to dance.

Hey, I can dance better than Will any day.

Don't keep her out too late, Will.

Well, she's in good hands, Mrs. Robertson.

Mm, I know she is.

(Carlton) 'I said, I'll pay you when I get out.'

[instrumental music]

I had a great time, Will.

Where'd you learn to dance like that?

Oh, the Arthur Murray Dance Studios.

- Tango? - Okay.

♪ Drr-rin-din-din err-rin ♪♪

[sighs]

So, what's up for tomorrow?

Oh, I'm seeing you again, I hope.

Ah, who am I to crush a young woman's dreams?

Mm, too bad your mom's in there.

Oh, we have separate rooms.

Well, then where were we?

Will, I like you, but this is going a little too fast for me.

For real?

Yeah, but I was taking it slow, you know?

No, no, that-that-that is absolutely, absolutely perfect.

- That's fine, that's fine. - Okay. Okay.

Well...it was fun.

You have a good night and I'll see you tomorrow.

- Goodnight, Will. - Goodnight.

Goodnight, baby.

[sobs]

Hey, Mrs. Robertson, how you doin'?

- Will. - I just dropped Wendy off.

Hey, you know, listen, she was begging me to come in

I told her no, I didn't think it was proper.

I am sure you're the perfect gentleman.

Yes, ma'am. Hey, goodnight.

Oh, Will...um, would you mind sharing

your earthquake recollections with me?

What, now?

Uh, yes, I thought I might as well get started tonight.

Sit down, make yourself comfortable.

I'm just gonna go and freshen up.

Hey, this is, this is a nice room you got here!

As far as rooms go.

A-ah!

(Janice) 'So, how would you describe the earthquake?'

Oh, well, you know, it was kinda like Shaq

picked up the pool house, and he was shaking it, you know?

Like them little snow globes.

You know, then-then I heard all this crying.

(Janice) 'Was that Baby Nicky?'

No-no, Baby Carlton.

(Janice) 'He's not the most mature young man, is he?'

Well, he's kinda like a ten-year-old

trapped in a 12-year-old's body.

Well, goodnight!

We barely scratched the surface.

Um, listen, um..

Uh, M-Mrs. Robertson, I-I have to be honest.

I'm, I'm, you know, not really feeling right about

being here with you in, you know, that, that thing.

- Is there a problem? - Well, yeah.

I mean, when-when a-when a woman changes

into something more comfortable

it-it usually means she wanna get more comfortable, you know?

And frankly, I'm a little uncomfortable

with this higher level of comfort.

Well, I've put on a couple of pounds

and my dress was too tight.

There, are you happy?

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I was completely out of line.

Listen, my uncle has a fat problem

I should be more sensitive.

You are so cute.

Uh, would you like to see pictures

of Wendy and Saint-Tropez?

Huh? What? Oh, yeah, pictures.

Yeah, pict.. Yeah, pic.. Yeah, sure.

[Will mumbling]

Wow!

This is, this is nice.

- Mm. - This is, this is..

- Oh, this is, this is nice. - Uh-huh.

Look how, look how b-blue this water is.

[screaming]

What's wrong?

There's a picture right there of you

with no bathing suit top on.

It's Saint-Tropez. Lots of women go topless.

Well, you know what?

I'm gonna run down to the lobby

get some of them free brochures, you know

before a free brochure.

(Janice) 'Will.'

You're not going anywhere.

Okay.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Will? - Oh, my God, Uncle Phil!

What are you doing sleeping out here?

Your Aunt Vivian thought the couch was too good for me.

You're just getting in?

Look, just because a guy comes in in the morning

wearing the same thing he had on the night before

that doesn't mean he slept with anybody.

Take it easy, I'm not accusing you of anything.

May-may-may-maybe we parked and watched the sun come up.

Alright.

Or-or-or maybe we sat in the lobby and talked all night.

People do,dothat, you know?

I said, I believe you!

Good.

I-I didn't do nothing wrong.

Well, tell me, did you get to spend any time

with Wendy's mother?

No, no, no. They-they was in two separate rooms.

And I wasn't in neither one of 'em.

Oh, before she leaves, you should try

to spend some time with her.

She has a lot to offer.

More than you know.

- What? - I said I gotta go.

(Carlton) Well, well, well.

And where have you been all night, mister?

I'm sorry, I only answer to people over five feet.

You're over five feet, aren't you?

[instrumental music]

Oh, boy, that was a lot of fun. I sure love those old movies.

Oh, yeah.

Cleopatra Jones is a super ba-ad sister.

Hey, who do you think would win in a street fight

Cleopatra Jones or Grace Jones?

Oh, see, now you're getting philosophical on me. Now, see.

See, now, Cleopatra Jones, see

she-she got that karate stuff, right?

She got some sweet moves on her.

Plus, she'd be packing heat.

But Grace Jones, she's just...scary.

You've really been thinking about this.

Yup. Something else I've been thinking about too.

- Am I intruding on anything? - Aah!

Hey, Mrs. Robertson, hey.

What-what-what you doing here?

Well, your uncle invited me over for a little backyard barbecue.

Yeah, well, yeah, we was about to go get our eat on too. Yeah.

- Come on, Wendy, let's go. - Oh, I love barbecue.

Well, help yourself, honey, there's plenty of food.

Okay.

Stop playing.

Well, um...I think I'mma go get me some ribs, you know

'cause, you know, Uncle Phil likes to eat while he cooks

and might not be nothing left for nobody else

you know what I'm sayin'?

Oh, Will, I didn't expect to see you again sosoon.

Listen, maybe I fell for you last night..

...but I'mnever falling for you again.

Relax, Will, you think I want my daughter to find out?

How would it make me look?

Crazy.

Boy, Wendy deserves a lot better than Will.

When I think how he conned and finagled her

into going out with him, it makes me sick.

At least,Ihad some respect for her.

Carlton, you bet $200 on her.

Hey, that's a very respectable bet.

Well, the secret to a successful cookout is flame control.

Remember the last barbecue we were at?

We were on the Jersey Shore protesting that toxic dump.

Oh, is that why that chicken tasted so funny?

We formed a human chain and kept the trucks out. Oh, remember?

Of course I remember. You were wearing that calico halter top.

Ooh, you know, I still have that halter top.

[chuckles]

Philip, the fire's gettin' a little too hot.

Ah!

There, that's better.

Vivian, that was extremely childish.

Childish?

You're the one who's gawking over this woman

in our own backyard.

She is an old friend. You cannot fault me for being friendly.

Saint Bernards are friendly.

But even they don't slobber as much as you.

Vivian, this is such a beautiful home.

You are a very lucky woman.

Excuse me, I have to go check on our baby.

Something I said?

No, Vivian is just a little uncomfortable

with our friendship, even though I told her

nothing ever happened between us.

You know, that was one of my biggest regrets.

Really?

I guess back then I just didn't appreciate

the kind of man you are.

Ha-ha, well..

You know, I would like to take you out to dinner tomorrow.

You know, we go back to New York the next day.

Oh, uh, well, well, uh..

I appreciate that, but-but Vivian's busy tomorrow night.

Oh, well, then, how about just the two of us?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

Well, it'll be more business, you know, than pleasure.

You know, I need more insight on my article.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Well, I guess there's no harm in that.

Oh, good. Say, uh, 8 o'clock?

Tomorrow? My hotel? Dinner?

Yeah, sounds fine.

[laughs] Hey, Uncle Phil.

Hey, listen.

Um, can I-can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?

- Will, I am cooking. - Yeah, your goose.

Can-can I see you in the-in the..

Ex-excuse us, Janice.

[Will laughs]

Uncle Phil, youcannotgo to the hotel with that woman.

It's just for a little dinner.

Yeah, then dessert, the likes of which even you

ain't never seen. Look, listen.

Uncle Phil, Janice is the one that-that got away, right?

Yeah.

Well, she ain't get away from me.

What?

Uncle Phil, I was dropping Wendy off back at the hotel, right?

And-and then, you know, I'm walking down the hall

and then Mrs. Robertson comes up

and she asking me about the quake.

So, I, you know, I go in, I'm telling her

and then she slips into something more comfortable.

And then she grab these pictures

and she's showing pictures of San..

San something and then, you know

before I knew it, you know, Ta-daow.

Ta-daow?

Ta-daow.

Ta-a-d..

Oh!Oh!

You slept with Janice!

Ashley, go to your room.

Oh, Ilovethis!

And take Carlton with you.

Hey, I'm not going anywhere.

You heard what I said.

Mother, is this true?

No, I can't believe you did this.

Oh and you, Will, how could you?

Listen, listen. Now, I was..

I was just, I was.. Earthquake.

And, you know, and then we, and, and then, um..

Have you ever seen your mother naked?

Will, you are just really a class act.

- But.. - Excuse me.

Oh, yeah, go blame it on me!

Janice, I think you better leave.

Vivian, this is not as big as you're making it out to be.

Maybe not inyourlittle world.

[sighs]

Too bad, Philip. We could have had something special.

I have something special.

Bye, Mrs. Robertson.

I've been such a fool.

- Can you forgive me? - I always do, don't I?

You don't have to sleep on the chaise lounge tonight.

I don't?

You can sleep on your couch.

And have a talk with this young man, please.

[grunts]

Hey, Uncle Phil, man, look, I'm-I'm 19-years-old

and I'm gonna make some mistakes.

Yeah, I'm 45 and I make them too.

The secret is to learn from them.

Yeah, you're right, I learned my lesson.

From now on, I'm only dating girls with ugly moms.

I-I'm gonna go lay on my couch.

[instrumental music]

(male #1) 'Four, three, two..'

[clapping]

Thank you. Thank you.

Today, on our show

women who hate men and men who hate them back--

Cut it!

Great news, Hil.

Al has completely recovered from his coma.

So, I guess you're not gonna be needed.

Al, Al, Al. Doesn't anybody care about my needs?

Do you have any idea how much this outfit cost me?

And you know that statute is not up yet

on that sexual harassment case--

- You wouldn't dare. - Oh, don't think I won't--

You wouldn't dare.

I went through so much to come on here and do this

and I studied and I caught up on everything.

I'm perfect for the talk show!

I am the producer of this show.

I suppose you're gonna bring our ratings up

on a sexual harassment suit too?

Well, you won't get away with it!