Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hey, my brother.

I just came back from the free clinic

and guess what I got?

What, man?

The phone number of those two nurses we met.

Yo, the twins that sleep in the same bed?

With some luck, we could put an end to that streak.

You're the man.

Oh, hey, Phillipe, I need you to cover my next shift.

Actually, cover my next three shifts.

You know how demanding twins can be.

Yes, my brother, it's going to be some night.

Oh, wait. I just remembered. I can't go.

- Well, why not? - I'm getting married.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life got flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

What do you mean you're getting married?

Her name is Jewel Robinson.

I saw her on "Cops," getting busted for grand theft auto.

Jazz, the woman's a convict?

We prefer the term freedom impaired.

Hmm, how about the term

not playing with a full cell block?

You don't understand, man.

Jewel makes my life complete.

See, I know you look at me and you say

"Damn! That Jazz has it all."

But the truth is

behind these shades there's a big, empty hole.

Well, that's for damn sure.

And I was going to make you my best man.

Oh, really? Your best man?

Well, you are my best friend

and all my other friends just pretend to like me for my money.

That's because you owe it to 'em.

The ceremony's at the Women's Correctional Institution

next Tuesday.

Whoa, whoa, Jazz, you..

You're getting married at the prison?

Why not? It's free.

We follow a execution.

Jazz, ain't no homie of mine

getting married up in no prison.

Well, unless you got a rich uncle or something

that's how it's got to be.

♪ Bad boys bad boys whatcha gonna do? ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? ♪

♪ Bad boys bad boys whatcha gonna do? ♪

There she is, Jewel Robinson

number 54820, out of Folsom Prison.

Crime, grand theft auto. Time served, two years.

Let's take a look at the video tape.

(male #1 on TV) 'Officer down! Officer down! We need backup!'

(male #2 on TV) 'Get her off of me! She's biting my.. Oh!'

Has Jazz lost his mind? I mean, woof!

What's wrong with her face?

Sweetheart, it's electronically scrambled.

Whatever. I just hope she's not toying with Jazz's emotions.

I'd hate to see a sweet guy like that get hurt.

Honey, up till today

you've never had a nice thing to say about Jazz.

Up till today, Jazz was available.

Now that he's getting married, well forbidden fruit

always looks more tempting, doesn't it?

Mother, for God's sake, he's half your age.

Well, I'm happy for Jazz. I think it is so romantic.

I give it three weeks.

The marriage or her parole?

[laughing]

Yo, whoa, whoa. That's not funny. Jazz is my best friend.

Was. Be prepared, Will.

Marriage brings about new priorities.

You may find that Jazz has less time

to spend with you once he's taken a wife.

Oh, please, ain't no way Jazz nor me

gonna let some honey come in between us.

Yeah, that's what I thought too.

When I married Vivian I lost all my friends.

Isn't that right, honey?

Ah...but, uh, you know

but it wasn't like I was gonna need 'em.

After all, I wasn't gonna have any fun anymore.

Ah...uh, honey.

Ah, uh, sweetheart.

Ah, uh, uh, baby, uh..

Man, Uncle Phil, I knew you had a man-sized appetite

but both feet?

Don't worry, daddy. I'll run damage control.

Thank you.

Hey, well, look, I don't even care. Look, Jazz is in love.

And I'm gonna make sure that he has the best wedding ever

even if I got to pay for it myself.

I mean, even though I am just a poor black man

trying to get my edumacation.

Forget it, Will. I am not shelling out for Jazz's wedding.

Oh-oh, please, n-now I seem to remember

a rather large relative of mine saying that

"If Jazz would just find some bimbo

"to get his mind off of Hilary

I'd be more than happy to pay for the wedding."

Uh, oh, well, now..

Way to go, Judge Banks.

You pretend to uphold the law

but you're gonna renege on a verbal contract?

Well...well, she is a convict.

I could call it a rehabilitation party and write if off.

Hey, check it out. You're a judge.

You can perform the ceremony. Pay yourself 25 bucks.

- Fifty. - I don't care.

Pay yourself a 100. It's your money.

That's right.

[Will imitating a woman] 'Oh, I've finally found the man of my dreams.'

'Marry me, Carlton.'

Very funny, Will

but while you're playing with dolls

I'll be securing the premises.

I mean, we are gonna have a convict in the house.

Hey, look, Jazz, would you relax, man?

I can't help myself, Will. Not with Jewel due any minute.

Oh, is she pregnant too?

Of course not.

I have the deepest respect for her, Mr. Banks.

She's a class act.

Somebody wants to know where the bride is registered.

Gillespie Liquors.

[doorbell rings]

She's here. She's here! She's here!

(Philip) Carlton!

I also put my diamond cufflinks in a balloon and swallowed them.

That's more than I ever wanted to know about you, Carlton.

Okay, everybody, just relax.

[giggling] Well, hi there, Mr. Man.

You like my dress?

Hilary, will you get out of my way? You're blocking my view.

Ms. Jewel Robinson.

- Jazzy! - Munchkin!

There's a lot to be said

for a woman who's been in prison a long time.

Hey.

Yo.

Hello in there!

[panting]

Munchkin, these are the lovely people

who've opened their home and their wallet to us.

Hey, I'm Will, the best man.

Oh, yeah? As far as I can see, this here is the best man.

I love this bony butt.

And it loves you too, my pet.

Carlton Banks here.

I suppose you noticed our fine collection

of European autos in our driveway.

I also noticed you have a very small head.

Hey.

Don't mind him.

We are very happy to have you in our home.

Thanks.

And I guess it's true what they say

"You can't buy good taste."

Hey.

Now, which one of you is the desperately

stuck-up, self-centered, clothes horse?

Guilty.

Now just a minute, young lady.

I'm sorry.

You see, the prison therapist says

that I should say what's on my mind

and not keep too much bottled up.

Otherwise I'd, you know, go out and do something stupid

like hot-wiring a Lexus.

Although it did get me on prime time.

Capturing the hearts of viewers everywhere.

I just wanna say, if you ever hurt him

I'll hunt you down like the dog that you are and kill you.

Well, gotta go shop for your present.

Beautiful and nuts. You must be very proud.

I guess.

Well, hey, look, I've-I've got an idea.

Jazz, why don't you take Jewel into the kitchen

and get her, get her some grub.

That's if tubby here hasn't eaten it all.

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

Come in. Just trying on my wedding dress.

Hey, Jewel, I just wanted to come and check

and see if there's any last-minute things you needed.

You know, a cup of coffee, a blood test.

Actually, I thought I'd see if you could live up to your title.

You know, best man.

Oh, what'd you have in mind?

Could you help me with this?

Oh, it's already zipped up.

I know. I want you to zip it down.

Um...I don't think that's a good idea.

Um, listen, oh, my cousin Hilary is right down the hall.

- I'm gonna get Hilary. - Will, quit messing around.

Come on. I gotta take a shower and do my hair. Now, hurry up.

Y-you know, if-if, if somebody

was-was to walk in here right now..

...they, they might think you was hittin' on me.

Trust me, if I was hittin' on you, you'd know it.

Really?

How?

Okay. You made your point.

[instrumental music]

(Will) Uncle Phil, you busy?

What's on your mind, Will?

Um...Jewel kissed me.

It's customary to kiss the bride.

Oh, no, no, no,

Uncle Phil, this was like one of them "Fatal Attraction"

elevator scene kisses.

You know what I'm saying? You know?

Oh, come on. You're exaggerating, Will.

Listen, listen, Uncle Phil, I'm telling you.

I went up to the room to see if she needed anything, alright?

She kissed me on my lips, alright?

She jumped on me, and she was stuck on me.

And I was trying to shake her off, but I couldn't get her off.

She was like a, like a little naked Velcro midget.

What am I gonna do, Uncle Phil?

I guess, you've only got two choices.

You can either tell Jazz or not.

And you're a judge, right?

Well, maybe this story will help you.

You know, when I was younger, I was a pretty sexy guy.

Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously, Uncle Phil..

Do you wanna hear this story?

[sighing]

Okay, I was driving home from a party

with my buddy and his girlfriend.

Now, my buddy fell asleep.

The next thing I know

she leans across and fastens my seat belt.

You know what I'm saying? You know?

Please don't do that, Uncle Phil.

Sorry.

Anyway, I figured that our friendship

was strong enough to stand the truth, so we went for a beer

and I told him everything that happened.

Well, did-did he thank you?

Oh, yeah.

With a barstool on the head.

Well, well, I mean, Jazz ain't the violent type.

I don't think.

Well, the point is, to be a good friend

you have to risk losing a good friend.

[sighs]

I think I know what I gotta do.

What's that?

I got to find somebody else to talk to about this.

[knocking on door]

Hey, Jazz.

How's it going, man?

How's it going? This is the best day of my life.

Did I thank you for everything you've done for me and Jewel?

Well, not everything.

I hope you two will be close.

She touched me, Will.

And I know she'll touch you too.

Um, yeah, listen, a-actually, Jazz

that's-that's kinda what I wanted to talk to you about.

See, listen, last night--

She told you about our decision?

- What decision? - The one we made last night.

We're gonna have ten kids.

One for every month of the year.

And we're gonna name them all after you.

Jazz, hey, you-you ain't got to do that, man.

Okay, then. We'll name them Earl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool, Jazz.

See, me and Jewel, we got this crazy dream.

We're gonna keep our kids out of reform school.

Listen, Jazz--

See, Will, I don't know how long

this happiness is gonna last.

If it's for just one day

it's more than I've ever known before.

So, what did you wanna talk to me about?

Oh, I-I just wanted to thank you

for-for picking out these lovely yellow and greenensembles.

You're welcome.

[instrumental music]

Cell block 41 has arrived.

Welcome, ladies.

Uh, please take a moment to sign our guest book.

And now, if I could just have your thumb..

You know, I resent being treated like a common thief.

Well, you do, do you?

Well, what kind of cold-hearted

viscous, evil crime did you commit?

Securities fraud.

Really? An inside trader?

So, are you here alone?

Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd all please take your seats.

And, uh, I want to thank you

for attending this wonderful occasion.

It's a pretty nice turnout, huh, Uncle Phil?

Are you kidding? Jazz ain't got no friends.

I hired these people.

Ashley?

[instrumental music]

- Dearly beloved-- - Stop the wedding!

You can't marry her, Jazz.

We're not cousins, are we?

Hilary, what's the meaning of this?

I'm in love with him.

Oh, my God. What am I saying?

I'm going to go lie down.

[chuckles] May I continue?

We are gathered together to join this man

and this woman in matrimony.

'If there's anyone here who knows'

'why they shouldn't be joined together'

let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

[clears throat]

Some friend you are.

I'm sorry, Jazzy. We can't get married.

- Munchkin! - Jazz!

Freeze!

Munchkin, please!

What about all our guests, and-and-and all the gifts?

I ain't never owned anything that still had

the serial number on it.

Jazzy, I'm sorry. It just wouldn't work.

Will, see if you could talk to her.

Jazz, I can't..

For little Earl's sake.

Listen, Jewel, you cannot do this to Jazz.

Alright? Marry him, okay?

You guys can just leave the state and put me behind you.

Will, I can't.

You have to.

No, really, I can't. I'm on parole.

I'm not allowed to leave the state.

Damn these good looks of mine!

Listen, now, now, Jewel, I know it's hard, okay?

But-but you got to look beyond this charming

sexy exterior, okay?

'You got to see the real Will Smith.'

I'm-I'm-I'm irresponsible, I'm unreliable, I'm immature.

Egotistical, self-centered.

Yeah, yeah, that's it!

Conceited, thick-headed, spoiled.

O-okay. That's fine.

And on top of that, you ain't even that good-looking.

Then, why you want me so bad?

I don't want you.

I only came on to you 'cause I figured you'd tell Jazz

and then he'd call the whole thing off.

But you couldn't even do that.

I kissed you for nothing.

Well, damn.

Will, I've never met anybody

who cares for me as much as Jazz does.

You know, whenever we go to a nice restaurant

he carries my tray.

And when it's time to skip out on the check

he always holds open the bathroom window for me.

Well, that's Jazz for you.

Can't you see?

I don't deserve a man like him.

I mean, look what he's done for me.

Beautiful wedding gown.

Getting married in a Bel-Air mansion.

Do you know where my mama was married?

No, where?

I don't know. I was hoping you did.

Uh, Jewel, believe me when I tell you

you and Jazz are made for each other.

Listen, trust me, I've known Jazz a long time

and you are the best thing to ever happen to him.

Will, I'm scared.

What if it doesn't work out?

It will.

But what if it doesn't?

It will.

- But-but what if it doesn't? - It will!

Now, look, get in there and marry that boy.

Thanks.

[instrumental music]

Okay. Let's get a shot of the bridesmaids.

[camera clicks]

[camera clicks]

Okay. We're back, we're back. Everything's okay.

Bride just got a little nervous, but who wouldn't, marrying Jazz?

May I continue?

- Please do. - 'Good.'

The bride and groom have prepared their own vows.

Jazz?

You are one jewel I never want to hock.

Sometimes I want to bite you to see if you're really real.

If love was craps, you'd be a seven..

...if it was on the first roll.

But if it was on the second roll and say the point was six

you'd be a six.

No, actually you'd be a nine 'cause I play the field

on the second roll and make a couple extra bucks.

Then you'd be a six on the third roll and then I'd clean up.

I think you know what I'm trying to say.

I love you, and you make me feel lucky.

And now, Jewel.

I love you, Jazzy

and I wanna be with you always.

Thank you for setting this little jailbird free.

Body, mind and spirit.

Baby, I love you.

Alright, alright, alright. Alright, alright, alright.

Do you, Jazz, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Oh, yeah.

Do you, Jewel, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Oh, yeah.

By the powers vested in me

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[applauding]

[instrumental music]

Okay. Um..

Jewel, Jewel, Jewel, Jewel, get off me.

Hey-hey, Jewel, I ain't-I ain't playing.

G-g-get off me, Jewel.

Get off of me, Jewel!

(Will) Okay. You made your point.