Original subtitles

[saxophone music]

Why don't you put that down and come sit next to me.

[music continues]

- How's that? Everything cool? - Great.

- It worked? - Perfect, Branford. Yeah.

Good, I'm glad you liked it.

So, Will, I'm off like a dirty shirt.

Hey, peace with two fingers, man.

Give J some for me, alright?

There's definitely some perks to working for NBC.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life got flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin'all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo homes smell you later ♪

♪Ilooked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

I call the couch in the living room.

No, look. I'm sleeping on the couch.

You can sleep under the couch, you squidget.

(Carlton) No..

- I'm sleeping on the couch. - I said no.

Oh, grow up, you two.

I can't believe you're staying here to begin with.

Imagine, calling an exterminator

for a few harmless little crickets.

Supposed to be soothing, for God's sake.

Whoa-whoa, no-no, Uncle Phil. I don't think you understand, man.

Now, these ain't them cute little

Jiminy-Wish-Upon-A-Star-type crickets.

No, man, these are these big, mean, nasty, bug-eyed, you know

take-over-the-human-race kinda crickets, man.

You can borrow my makeup, the key is subtlety.

You want your date to think you stepped out of "Vogue"

not a clown car.

Date?

Tonight's the night I go to the movies with Randy, remember?

Randy? Randy who?

Why wasn't I consulted about this?

Oh, Philip, stop pretending you don't know anything about it.

You already gave permission.

You cannot keep little girls from growing up.

I can and I will.

Ashley, come here.

Look, now, seeing as how this is your first real date

you know, I think there's like some couple of things

you need to know.

Now, listen, if you're gonna hold the popcorn

make sure you hold it up in plain sight.

So when he go reaching for the bucket, he don't miss.

Talking about,"Oops."

Alright, you stop at a gas station

and make sure that tank is full.

And if he tells you to pull his finger, don't do it.

Oh, man.

Thanks, but it's just a little innocent date.

Nothing's gonna happen.

Oh, you're right, nothing's gonna happen

because I want you back here at 9:30.

But the movie doesn't even end until 10:00.

Well, you can catch the end of it when it comes out on video.

- Daddy! - Ashley, be back by 10:30.

10:30 on the dot.

Not 10:31 and that's in this house.

'Not on the porch, not parked out in the driveway.'

Now, if you'll excuse me

I'm gonna go check the video camera over the front door.

Daddy never gave Hilary a curfew.

Well, he's probably hoping she wouldn't come back.

Oh, that reminds me, I'm gonna be out late tonight.

I'm shooting a commercial for Casual Cup Coffee.

That's great. How'd you get it?

Well, the director said I reminded him of the coffee.

Oh, yeah, he probably thought you was hot, creamy and rich.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

[chuckles]

I was pretty sure I wasn't mountain-grown.

Check please.

I guess that leaves the house to just you and me, Will.

I could write my paper

while you study for your chemistry midterm.

It'll be nice and quiet. We can clear tables

just like the study center.

Hey, you know what, man?

I know how we can make it even more like the study center.

I won't be here.

Yo, I'm about to go run some ball. I'll get with y'all later.

But you told me you haven't studied yet.

I haven't. Look, Carlton, I'm the king of cram, man.

All I need is three solid hours and I'm cool.

W-W-Will, let me tell you a little story about

the grasshopper and the ant.

Carlton, I really don't feel like hearing about

you and your little friends, okay?

Just listen.

See, the grasshopper goofed off

while the ant worked hard storing up food for the winter.

When the winter came, the ant had food

but the grasshopper starved to death.

You know what the moral of the story is?

Yup, even if we were insects, I'd be bigger than you.

[exclaims]

[instrumental music]

All hail! The King of Cram is about to take his throne!

[laughs]

This is really sad, Will.

It's 10:30, you're just now cracking open that book.

No. That's not true.

Now, I cracked it earlier when I had to write down

this honey's phone number right next to the periodic table.

Hey, you wanna hear a little chemistry rhyme?

- No, not really. - Here.

♪ Little Timmy took a drink but he will drink no more ♪

♪ For what he thought was H2O Was H2SO4 ♪♪

That's how I remember the equation for sulfuric acid.

Oh, look, look, look. I got one. I got one.

♪ Little Carlton was a boy ♪

♪ Whose body was short and stumpy ♪

♪ He never shut his mouth ♪

♪ So I kicked his little rumpy ♪♪

[bones cracking]

[sighs]

[bones cracking]

- Uh, are you quite finished? - 'Ah, yup. All ready.'

[sighs]

[tapping on glass]

Hey, Carl, Carl, that's-that'sreallyannoying.

Oh, sorry, nervous habit.

[crunching]

Sorry, nervous habit.

Fool.

[baby crying]

I am so sorry, Geoffrey, but if I put him down

he cries even harder.

So would you mind making up some more formula?

Mind? Madam, you woke me from a most marvelous dream.

I haven't had one this good since

I was strip searched at Dulles Airport.

[baby crying]

"Welcome to the exciting world of chemistry."

Ah!

Honey, could you hold Nicky just a second?

Wait, Aunt Viv, come on, I..

He stopped.

Well, these fingers can work magic.

Ain't that what the honeys tell me, huh? Huh?

Okay, it's 10:37. I'm calling the police.

Philip, the police don't need your hysterical calls

cluttering up their phone lines.

They've got to catch real criminals.

Hmm, like the murderous muggers and thugs

that hang around movie theaters after hours, huh?

She's at the mall. She's not at the Pussycat Theater.

I've never seen a mugger at the Pussycat Theater.

[phone rings]

- Hello. - 'Hi, Mr. Banks.'

Can I speak to Ashley?

'Oh, no. She's not home from her date.'

- 'She was supposed to be..' - Daddy, I got it.

Ashley, sweetheart, where are you?

I'm upstairs in my room. I got home 20 minutes ago.

Come on, hang up, I wanna talk to Connie about my date.

I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

Oh, alright, sweetheart. Goodnight.

This is too easy.

[both laugh]

You ready?

Don't I feel like an idiot?

[Philip chuckles]

Ashley got home 20 minutes ago.

She's upstairs talking on the phone.

Oh, really?

[sighs] That's a load off my mind.

I think I'll go to bed.

- Goodnight, Geoffrey. - Goodnight, sir. Idiot.

Maybe you can hold to Nicky till he falls asleep.

Well, no. No. Aunt Viv. Listen, I can't. I have to study.

You can't study if the baby is crying.

It shouldn't take long. He hasn't slept all day.

Alright.

(Will) 'You are getting sleepy.'

Very, very sleepy.

Your eyelids are getting heavier.

Your little head is drooping.

Hi, I'm back.

[Nicky crying]

Maybe we should just try a bottle and a warm bath.

Thought you'd never ask.

The coffee commercial went great.

First, I take a big sip of coffee and then I say

"Hi, I'm Hilary Banks, TV weather girl.

"When I don't have my head in the clouds

"I like to relax with a nice hot cup of Casual Cup Coffee.

"So rich and fine, tastes just like

you've ground the beans yourself."

Well, the first take I said

"Tastes just like you found the beans yourself."

- Oh! - So we did it again.

And the next take I said

"When I don't have my head in the crowds." So I did it again.

H-Hilary. Hilary, uh, how many takes did you do?

Only 41. And you'd think that would tire me out.

But I'm more awake now than when I started.

Um, stupid question

did you forget to spit after each take?

Why would I want to spit it out? I'm nuts about coffee.

Although it's not made from nuts, it's made from beans.

So, I guess, I'm beans about coffee.

Oh, gee, I'd love to stay and continue

this fascinating monologue

but I have to get some studying done.

You know, I've always wondered if coffee's made from beans

does that make it a vegetable?

Why are you following me?

Listen, don't you have to go to work in the morning?

Shouldn't you go get some sleep?

I would love to go to sleep, but I can't. I'm wide awake. See?

Whee-e-e!

Hil, why don't you try doing something boring

like reading the dictionary?

- Do you have one? - Of course, I do.

What do you think is propping up my makeup table?

Whe-e-e!

[imitating Hilary] Whe-e-e!

Finally!

[cricket chirping]

Ugh!

[cricket chirping]

[grunting]

[grunts]

Carlton, I need your earplugs, man.

- Hey! - Look, come on, man.

Listen, I can't concentrate.

I read that same sentence like two million times.

I-if this test covers more than

"Welcome to the exciting world of chemistry," I'm done.

Well, maybe next time

you should make a promise to yourself

not to put things off until the last minute.

You know what? You're right, man.

And I've been wanting to squeeze your peezy little head

like a grape all day long and now is as good a time as any.

Give me those earplugs. Give me your earplugs, man.

Hey, I'm not sharing anything with you, mister.

Who knows where those ears have been?

Alright. That's it. That's it. Come here. Come here.

Get over here. Get over here. Get over..

Oh!

(Will) 'Time-out. Ashley's home.'

Ashley? I thought she was supposed to be upstairs in bed.

Yeah, you also thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Why is everybody still up?

You know, you're making it very difficult for me to sneak in.

Ashley, evenyoushould know if you're trying to get past

Uncle Phil, you don't go through the kitchen.

- I guess I have a lot to learn. - No, you learn too much.

Now what you're doing trying to run my phone scam for anyway?

- Well, it worked. - That's not the point.

Look, the point is, you don't realize

the dangers that are lurking out there.

Look, Ashley, listen. Guys are only after two things.

I thought they were only after one thing.

Well, yeah, but they wanna do it more than once.

(Philip) 'That noise is driving me crazy!'

Daddy's up!

Um, uh, get down, hide, hide. Get down.

[Philip sighs] I can't stand all that chirping.

Geoffrey! Geoffrey!

You rang?

Where did you last put the insecticide?

In your soup.

Boy, you're a Grumpy Gus.

I was having the most wonderful dream.

Amazon women had just bound me with sinuous vines

and were taunting me with tangelos.

What the hell is a tangelo?

"Tangelo, the fruit of a hybrid citrus tree that is a cross

between certain varieties of grapefruit and tangerine."

- Thank you. - No, thank you!

I never knew how much fun I could have

just reading the dictionary.

I mean, it's filled with all kinds of words.

Big words, little words, abbreviations, common phrases.

Can I look up a word for you?

- Go away. - Oh, that's two words.

This oughta take care of that little sucker.

Sir, that's air freshener.

Well, it's all we have. It might work.

Yes, perhaps the scent of sea breeze will recall

some painful memory for him and then he'll commit suicide.

Quick, get in here!

You were lucky Uncle Phil didn't catch you.

Well, there's still time.

What's that supposed to mean?

Remember last year when I skipped school

so I could preregister for jury duty?

And a little somebody snitched on me?

Well, missy, the tables have finally turned.

Oh, Carl, you evil man.

Please, Carlton, don't tell. I'll do anything.

I'll clean your room. I'll polish your Star Trek figurines.

(Philip) 'Oh, now it's coming from the kitchen.'

Get down, get down!

Oh! That cricket!

Sounds like it's coming from two places at once.

Must be the ventriloquist of the animal kingdom.

You know, dad, I think it's coming from

this side of the counter.

No-no, you know, Uncle Phil

I think he's over here, the sneaky little bugger.

I was right the first time.

It's coming from the family room. Come on, Geoffrey.

I'll hunt down that cricket if it's the last thing I do.

His head will make a fine trophy, sir.

Carlton, you stink.

Listen, you just go head outside.

I'mma go upstairs, get your pajamas. You can put them on

and pretend you just came down for a snack.

By God, that bug isn't gonna get the best of me.

Now I know how Captain Ahab felt

when he was chasing Moby Dick.

Between the two of you, the cricket is the whale?

Geoffrey, how would you like to be unemployed?

- What do you mean? - "Unemployed."

"Out of work, jobless, not being used. Idle.

A person who does not have a job."

See, the answers are right at your fingertips.

- Here, put those on. - Okay.

[sighs]

Oh, man, I don't believe this.

- Oh, my God, it's 1:30. - That's true.

And it's a shame you always have to learn the hard way, Will.

As for me, I'm just finishing my paper.

(Philips) 'I can't stand it anymore.'

This chirping is boring a hole straight into my skull!

There she blows, captain. By the table! By the table!

[Carlton screaming]

I got him.

I killed that little sucker.

[laughs]

[cricket chirping]

Philip, stop charging about like a rogue elephant.

You're lucky you didn't wake Nicky up.

My paper.

Thirty pages of genius gone.

Oh, well, I guess sometimes that little hardworking head

just gets squished into a little black spot, huh?

[laughs] That's funny. Hey, listen, you did all this hard work

I didn't do anything and we're both in the same boat.

[laughs]

Except that my paper was optional.

Optional?

Hey, I was only doing it to get in good with the professor.

Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to bring him some cupcakes.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

This is Philip Banks.

Well, no, I haven't seen Randy.

And-and Ashley's been home since 10:30.

Well, I'll call you back if she knows anything.

Well, that was Randy's father.

Apparently, Randy decided to go somewhere else

after dropping Ashley off.

Thank God I have a responsible child.

[screams] Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, man.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go ask Ashley if she knows where Randy went.

Oh, man, you-you're not gonna just-just go up there

and wake her up, are you?

I mean, she-she-she could already have morning breath.

- Will, please. - Oh.

Randy's father has a very serious problem.

If Ashley did something like that, I'd throttle her.

No, no, no. Throttling is-isn't

anything like-like killing, is it?

Not exactly. The second definition of throttle is

"To strangle, choke. Killing is the result of throttling."

Either way, I think we're about to see a demonstration.

- Ashley's not in her room! - I'm right here, daddy.

I was just in the kitchen getting a snack.

We were just in the kitchen.

I mean, the kitchen in the pool house.

The pool house is being fumigated.

Oh, where am I?

What am I doing down here?

I must have been sleepwalking.

- I better go back to my room. - Ashley.

You've already lied once tonight.

Let's not make it a habit.

Oh! Daddy, none of my other friends had a curfew.

If I came home at 10:30

everyone would think I was a baby.

You have to realize that I'm growing up.

Sweetheart, I am your father. It is my job to protect you.

It's a job I refuse to quit and at which I can't afford to fail.

I'm sorry. I won't do it again.

Of course, you won't, sweetheart.

Because you're grounded for ten years.

Ten years?

Or whenever you move out of the house. Whatever comes first.

Oh, but that's not fair.

Tell that to the judge.

Oh, that's me.

[squishes]

I killed the cricket.

Oh, what a horrible death.

But, daddy, you can't do that to me.

- Watch me. - 'But no.'

Ding-dong. The cricket's dead. Ashley's grounded.

Now y'all go to bed.

Will, the house is all yours. Come on, guys.

[sighs]

"Welcome to the exciting world of chemistry."

Come on, daddy, ten years?

The Menendez brothers will be free before I am.

The Menendez brothers got home on time.

- Will, wake up. - Mm.

Welcome to the exciting world of chemistry.

Will, it's 8 o'clock.

You don't have much time to get changed and get to school.

Oh, man.

I never even got past the first page.

Oh, what are you gonna do?

Carlton, I'm gonna fail.

Hate to say I told you so.

So, how did the test go, Will?

I got an 85.

[chuckles]

What? But you didn't even study.

How could you have possibly learned everything

you had to know about chemistry?

Well, the only chemistry I needed was between me

and the honey in the next seat. You know what I mean? Hah!

You have a good winter.

Wait a second, Will.

You're not really gonna let people think you cheated?

Yeah, I know. I know. You're, you're right. You're right.

- Ready? - Yeah.

So how did the test go, Will?

I failed.

See, Will, you can't put studying off to the last minute.

I know, I know, you're right. You know what?

I'm gonna run down to the library right now

and I'm not leaving until I learn everything there is

to know about chemistry.

Now that's the spirit.

Hi, I'm Hilary Banks, TV weather girl.

When I don't have my head in the clouds

I like to relax with a nice hot cup of..

- I'm sorry, hot cup of? - 'Bit over the top.'

Well, at first I said..

Ah, shoot. Damn it.

- And then what did you say? - I forgot.

In the next take I said, "When I don't have my.."

Oh, shoot, shoot, shoot.

- And the next take I said.. - Hil-Hil-Hilary.

Uh, how many takes did you do?

Only 41. And you'd think that would tire me out.

But I'm more awake now than when we started.

[indistinct chatter]

(Hilary) 'I'm gonna pass out you know.'