Original subtitles

(Dr. Hangarter) 'Your health is no formality, Mr. Banks.'

A man carrying as much weight as you are at your age

has got to face the facts.

Come on, I've kept myself in pretty good shape.

Well, your blood pressure's up

and you've a history of high cholesterol.

Come on, doc, I've got a heart like a bull.

Well, don't take it for granted.

Although the heart is the strongest muscle

in the body, it also has the most responsibility.

There are a lot of things that can affect your heart.

[heartbeats]

[heartbeats intensifying]

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story all about ♪

♪ How my life got flipped turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house about 7:00 or 8:00 ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

Morning, all.

- Morning, Master William. - Morning, Will.

- Hey! - What's up, Aunt Viv?

Hi. Is that insurance doctor still in with your uncle?

Oh, yeah, he sure is, Aunt Viv. Oh, you know what?

I heard the doctor say he thinks

Uncle Phil might have Dunlap syndrome.

Dunlap syndrome? What's that?

Mean his belly done lapped over his belt.

[laughing]

Ah!

Hold on a minute. I'll have you know my father is not fat.

He's just big-boned.

Larger than life.

Yeah, he's also larger than the Volvo.

Will, it's not funny.

Cholesterol is gathering in his arteries

stopping the blood flow like rush-hour gridlock.

Hold it, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Dad will probably outlive all of us.

Only if he eats us first.

And you wonder why daddy won't give you money

for your little trip to Mexico.

But if you ask me, I think it's a waste of time for him

to even consider life insurance.

Now, honey, your father's a very responsible man.

He wants to make sure that if anything happens to him

that we'll all be taken care of.

That's true, after all, daddy has gotten us

used to living this fancy lifestyle.

Oh, did I tell you? I went in on a racehorse.

- Ah. Will. - Hey, what's up?

- Good morning, sir. - Hey, Geoffrey.

- What did the doctor say? - Oh, everything's fine.

Well, he was a little worried about my weight.

Do you realize you're eating about a million grams of fat?

Ah. Thank you, honey.

I'm serious, daddy.

I'm not just gonna sit here and watch you

eat yourself into an early grave.

- Okay, then you're excused. - Fine!

- Hey! - Ashley, what are you doing?

Something you all should've done a long time ago.

Hey!

Well, s-she does have a point, Uncle Phil.

I mean, hey, I'm getting tired of the fat jokes myself.

What is wrong with you people?

I weigh the same thing I weighed in high school.

Yeah, if you add up all four years.

I guess I'm not getting as tired of those fat jokes

as I thought, huh?

I'm worried about you, daddy.

- I love you. - Uh..

Ashley, sweetheart, if you feel that way about it

I-I'll go on a little diet.

- You promise? - I promise.

- And you'll exercise, too? - Yeah, well, uh..

If you want a really good workout

you can go with me tomorrow.

Where are you going?

I'm shooting the rapids at

Dead Man's Falls.

See, my therapist said that

the only way for me to get over

Trevor's death is to confront it.

But Trevor died doing a bungee jump.

I know. I'm working up to that.

Well, I'm off to my skydiving class.

Whoa, whoa, Hil. That's not your parachute.

That's my book bag.

Oops. That would've been embarrassing.

[instrumental music]

Yo, Carlton, what's up, man? What you working on?

Oh, it's an assignment from English class.

I'm supposed to imagine myself 20 years from now.

Ah, no wonder you're so depressed.

The way I figure it, 20 years from now, my dad

will just be taking his seat on the Supreme Court.

But we'll still see each other, especially on weekends

when he and mom come by to see me and little Carlton.

You are little Carlton.

And if this family is at all consistent

my wife's wise-guy nephew will move in

and make my life a living hell.

[chuckles] Your wife?

Oh, this is science fiction. Oh.

Oh, Uncle Phil. Hey, you been out on the courts, huh?

Yeah, played a little tennis with Ashley.

I can't remember when I've worked up such a sweat.

Then you've certainly earned your lunch.

Bon appetit.

What the heck is this?

Chicken, sir.

Oh, you probably don't recognize it

without a thick coating of batter and gravy.

I can't do this.

I can't give up my favorite foods

cold turkey with..

Oh, my God.

Turkey.

With pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes..

...butter-drenched dressing

tiny onions

swimming in a sea of cream sauce. Oh.

Yo, Uncle Phil, snap out of it, man.

You come on, now, those days are over. You promised Ashley.

You're right, Will. You're right, I did.

Geoffrey..

...I could make this worth your while.

Well, sir, for a price

I could show you something in a greasy snack.

Hm?

Oh.

What's going on here?

[imitating siren wailing]

Put your hands up!

Step away from the chips!

Listen, dad, you might not care

about how clogged your arteries are

but I do, and I'm doing something about it.

And doing a wonderful job, I might add.

Shut up, Geoffrey.

The kitchen is officially closed for high-fat inventory.

Come on.

Will, could I speak to you in the, uh, family room, please?

Oh, yeah, sure thing, Uncle Phil.

- About what? - This.

This is crazy.

[chuckles] Come on, what you talking about, Uncle Phil?

Oh, this one's easy.

Ashley hid the remote control, so I have to walk to the TV.

Geoffrey's feeding me all kinds of healthy food.

- Why does she hate me, Will? - Come on, Uncle Phil.

I say she's just following the doctor's orders.

You gotta lose some weight, man.

Yeah, but, but this is getting out of hand.

Ashley has spies at every fast-food restaurant for miles.

You know, I'd give anything for a cheeseburger, Will.

Anything.

Why, I might even finance your little trip to Mexico.

How you trying to play me, Uncle Phil?

I'm saying Mexico is important to me

but not if it's going to jeopardize your health.

Oh, look, I know the doctor's telling the truth.

It's just that I've got a lot going on right now.

I'm under a lot of pressure.

You-you let me get a running start at this diet.

[treadmill beeping]

See?

Uh, how much running you talking about?

Uh, well, uh, well-well, I'll make a New Year's resolution

and by March, uh, February, uh

uh, you won't even recognize your old Uncle Phil.

And that's this New Year's, right?

Well, yeah..

Uh, you have my solemn vow.

[instrumental music]

Well, I'm off.

What are you dressed for?

I'm learning to drive a formula-one race car.

Hilary, I've had enough of your death-defying stunts

and I want it stopped now!

[whimpers]

What he means, dear

is we don't want to see you

taking risks like this.

My therapist was right.

You just aren't nurturing enough.

Mom, I don't think we can go to the movies tonight.

Why not?

No one's gonna be home, except for daddy

'and I'm afraid he's gonna cheat on his diet.'

What? You don't think you can trust me?

Don't worry, honey, there's no unhealthy food in the house

and I'll take all the car keys with me.

- This is ridiculous. - 'Okay.'

I'll put all the local pizza places on alert

and tell them not to deliver.

Doesn't my word mean anything to you?

Of course it does, darling.

Better call the Chinese restaurants, too.

[intense music]

You got the stuff?

Right here.

You got the money?

You take a check?

Come on, Uncle Phil, I'm leaving for Mexico in a hour.

Look, um, I just don't have that kind of cash on me.

Well, I hope there's a ATM nearby 'cause I've been buying

your food all week and I ain't got no problem

eating your dinner.

Alright. Alright. Alright. Here.

It's good to see you're not wasting time chewing.

[groans] Oh, oh.

See, that's what you get for eating all fast.

Let me get you something for that.

[groans]

Ah, here's one, Uncle Phil.

Relieves cramps, bloating and irritability.

Oh, no, no. This is Geoffrey's.

- Will? - Oh, here's one, Uncle Phil.

It says it relieves gas, and I got to be honest, brother

the past couple of days you've been, oh, no, no..

No.

'Oh, what you want?'

I want an ambulance.

I think I'm having a heart attack.

'Oh!'

[groaning]

[siren wailing]

That's a nice hat.

Thanks a lot, man.

Look, is my uncle gonna be alright?

Don't worry, he's my fourth heart attack today

and I already lost one of 'em.

A two-dead day is rare.

Hey, look, man, I don't care how rare it is.

You better make sure you don't lose this one!

Will, I can't breathe.

Hey, my uncle can't breathe, man!

Could be 'cause you're leaning on his air hose.

[breathing heavily]

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna be alright, Will.

I'll be fine. You-you go with your friends to Mexico.

- I'll be okay. - No, no, no. I'm with you, man.

I'm staying with you till the end.

That was a really poor choice of words. I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.

Would you do me a favor, Will?

Uncle Phil, we are not stopping for no burger!

No! No, no.

Would you tell Carlton to look after the family

well, just in case this is my last ride?

[chuckles] Your last ride? What you talking about, man?

We're gonna go for plenty rides in ambulances, man.

I mean, you gonna be alright, Uncle Phil.

Hey, man, he is gonna be alright, isn't he?

Well, if I say he is, and he croaks

you gonna be upset, right?

You're a real people person, aren't you?

I guess.

Hey, if he still wants to stop for a burger

I can get Troy to swing by the drive-thru.

With the siren on, we don't have to wait in line.

[instrumental music]

Why are they taking so long with those tests?

The emergency doctor said it's routine with heart attacks.

Where's Carlton?

I left him a message on the phone machine.

I was sure he'd be here by now.

This is all my fault.

I pushed daddy way too hard

on the tennis court.

No. Ashley, it was me.

I scared him half to death with my stupid thrill-seeking.

I'm afraid, dear family, that I am the culprit.

What do you mean, Geoffrey?

Years of my rich sauces

prime cuts of beef, sumptuous desserts

have certainly gone to his heart.

Yes, but if I wasn't there to excuse his behavior

this never would've happened.

Good point.

You can't blame yourself, mom.

"Oh, go ahead, Philip, have dessert.

"You've had a hard day.

"Not to worry, we can let those pants out.

I'm too tired. Go downstairs and have a snack."

Um, I hate to interrupt this guilt-fest

but, um, I think that I have to take the rap for this one.

Well, you have been a little wild these past four years.

Not to mention your negative influence on Carlton.

Let's not forget his constant barrage of fat jokes.

- Like this morning. - The elephant.

(Ashley) Stop it, everybody.

You're making Will feel bad.

No, no, i-it's cool, Ash. They're right.

It is my fault, especially since

I've been sneaking him food for the past week.

- You what? - No..

I mean, he said it was only

gonna be until New Year's!

- 'How could you?' - Oh..

It wasn't all bad food!

I mean, t-the fried rice had bean sprouts in it.

[clamoring]

[instrumental music]

[heart monitor beeping]

Uncle Phil, I'm sorry, man.

You wouldn't even be in here if I wasn't sneaking you food.

Look, I love you, man. I never meant to hurt you.

I'm sorry.

Uncle Phil, what are you doing there?

I had a heart attack, Will.

Hey, how come you didn't tell me you weren't my uncle, man?

Well, nobody ever comes to visit me.

I crave the attention.

Will, see if he's gonna finish his IV..

Yeah, me bringin' you food

is what got you in here in the first place.

What? You think a week's worth of chili burgers put me in here?

Forget about it. It's from years of not taking care of myself.

Yeah, but I had to help you.

Oh, come on. I hustled you to get me that food.

Nobody blames you.

A whole waiting room full of people

with a different opinion.

Oh, the family's here?

Well, just about. Carlton's not here yet.

- No? - Oh, we left a message for him.

He-he, you know, he probably just didn't get it yet.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah, sure. That's it.

- Is Carlton your son? - Yes.

Yeah, I got a son.

He don't come to visit me, either.

I'll send the family in, Uncle Phil.

Okay.

Excuse me. Are you the Banks family?

- Yes, we are. - I'm Dr. Kevarkian.

[gasping]

Not Kevorkian, Kevarkian with an A.

How's my father doing?

He's going to be fine

but he's gonna have to start taking care of himself.

Is he still awake?

(Kevarkian) 'You can go see him.'

Geoffrey, why don't you take the baby home?

Very well, Ms. Hilary.

Is that Carlton? Mr. Banks has been asking for him.

Um, Carlton's a little bigger, wears a bow tie.

Oh, doctor, before I leave

could I ask you a couple of questions about ointments?

[instrumental music]

Oh, my God! Carlton, what are you doing?

Cleaning the oven. What's your problem?

Oh. Well, how come you're not at the hospital, man?

Well, it says right here on the label

to let foam sit for 45 minutes.

My hands are tied.

Carlton, what's the matter with you, man?

Hey, your father just had a heart attack.

You don't know that.

It could be acute indigestion.

Even doctors have made that mistake.

Does that window look smudged to you?

Carlton, you're going down to that hospital

if I have to knock you out and call an ambulance.

You come near me, I'll spray.

Man, you don't know how lucky you are.

You can be with your father whenever you want.

You can eat with him and argue with him.

He's there for you.

You know where my father is?

No.

Neither do I.

Look, I don't wanna see my father

with tubes up his nose, okay?

Carlton, there's gonna come a time

when all he has is tubes up his nose.

Not my father!

Everybody's father, except mine

'cause I don't know where the hell he is!

You don't understand, Will.

Yes, I do.

You're selfish.

[instrumental music]

Your father's resting comfortably.

Why don't you take your family home?

Oh, well, they finally fell asleep.

I don't wanna wake them.

You don't sleep?

I've got a lot on my mind, Dr. Kevorkian.

Kevarkian with an A.

Call me Russell. I'm on break now.

You wanna go downstairs and have an early breakfast?

Well, thank you, Russell

but I can't. I'm in mourning.

No, your father's gonna be fine.

Oh, no, see, myfiance

had this unfortunate accident.

That's why I was supposed to go bungee jumping earlier today.

See, Dr. Martlin said..

- Do you know him? - No.

Well, anyway, he's my therapist.

And he thought that if I jumped

from the same place that Trevor..

Well, he didn't exactly say that.

You know how sometimes your therapist says one thing

and they mean something else and you have to figure out

what this whole therapist talk thing is and y--

Oh, look at that. I'm being beeped.

I didn't hear any beep.

[instrumental music]

Dad?

Are you okay?

Me? Pfft. I'll be fine.

I'll be out of this bed in no time.

How about you?

Are you okay?

Me? Sure. I mean..

I should've come sooner, dad, but I was scared.

You're like Superman to me.

Yeah.

Cheesecake is my Kryptonite, huh?

I'm sorry I let you down, son.

You could never let me down, dad.

I love you.

Hey, Superman!

Ask junior to get me a bedpan.

[instrumental music]

Ah! Whoomp! There he is!

[applauding]

(Will) 'Oh, man. Hey, Uncle Phil.'

I'll bet you never thought you'd get a standin' O

in this house, huh?

Well, there was a time I never

thought I'd see this house again.

Oh, you was probably worried about

just seein' this kitchen again, right?

I'm sorry. That's a left-over fat joke.

- I'm trippin'. - 'Oh, go ahead.'

Uh, yeah, well, you get 'em in while you can.

Soon I'll be a lean, mean, judicial machine.

I'll cover all bets on that one.

Daddy, we're not gonna do anything

to make you upset ever again.

Oh, by the way, I dented the Mercedes.

Sweetheart, I am so glad to have you home safe and well.

And if you ever do anything to scare me like that again

I'll kill you.

Don't worry. I won't.

I'm lucky to have such a wonderful family.

Even my pain-in-the-butt nephew.

Ha! I love you, too, Uncle Phil.

Hey. Come on, let's go watch some TV.

- Okay. - There's still no furniture.

Oh, that's alright.

Oh, man, uh, we don't have no remote.

Sure, we do. Geoffrey!

[instrumental music]

Do you realize you're eating about a million grams of fat?

Thank you, honey.

Geoffrey, you skimmed me on the provolone, huh?

I'm serious, daddy.

I'm not gonna just sit here and watch you

eat yourself into an early grave.

So you're gonna throw a fork at me?

I tried to keep going.