Original subtitles

Look, Will, we're almost there.

Carlton, relax. This is the line for class registration.

Not the Nixon Library.

Oh, Will, I almost forgot I took

the liberty of jotting out a few courses

you might be interested in.

Thank you, Carlton, but I already have

my academic priorities in order.

Wow, Will, I'm proud of you.

You're finally taking your education seriously.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'll have what she's having.

[theme song]

♪ Now, this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life got flipped turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town ♪

♪ Called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In west Philadelphia born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

[instrumental music]

Will, do you realize we stopped

and talked to every woman we saw?

So?

We were on the freeway.

Why do you do these crazy things?

The same reason Eddie Murphy tries to sing

I like the challenge.

Right, well, if you like to be challenged so much

how come you registered for classes

like Cheese Appreciation?

Carlton, the challenge is to make

your life as easy as possible.

Mmm, that's why God made canned meat.

- Spam cakes, anyone? - Hey, man.

- Ah, morning. - Hey, Uncle Phil.

Mmm, Geoffrey, something sure smells good.

Oh, Patchouli, sweet of you to notice.

So how was registration today, guys?

Oh, yo, it was slamming, Uncle Phil.

- Mmm, he met a girl, right? - You got it, big guy.

And he joined classes just because she's in it.

He doesn't even know what he's taking.

- I do too. - Name it.

It's western pornography.

Western Philosophy.

Western Philosophy? I'm impressed.

You don't even know what Western Philosophy is.

I do too.

It answers questions like.

Did anybody really believe Kool Moe Dee was a cowboy?

You know..

♪ The wild wild west ♪

♪ The wild wild west ♪

♪ I used to live downtown ♪

- 'Ashley.' - I'm late for school, daddy.

Ashley!

Could we see a little compassion here?

Hilary just lost her fiance.

She could use a little sisterly comfort.

I'm sorry. You're right.

Hilary, this is your sister, Ashley.

Suck it up, and get on with your life!

Hilary.

Sweetheart.

How you feeling?

I'm feeling much better, thanks.

Now, now, baby, tell you what.

Why don't you put on some clothes

and hop in the car

and drive over to Neiman's

and do a little shopping, huh?

Oh, thanks, Daddy but I'm not ready

to go out just yet.

Oh, and you don't have to. Here.

I'll even look the number up for you.

- Hello, Neiman's?

Listen, I want to order that adorable

Donna Karan pantsuit in your catalog.

Item DK35712.

Yeah, and on page 14, there's this fabulous leather bag and..

Oh, that would be cute.

(Will) 'Okay, okay, attention Kmart shoppers.'

We're running out of books for Psych 157

the study of human sexuality.

So for any of you slimmies, who miss out

I'll be more than happy to demonstrate

the contents of the book.

Twice, you know.

[imitating hen]

Can I borrow that for a second?

Oh, sure thing, boss lady.

You're an idiot.

There you go making snap judgments again.

- Hi, I need to get-- - Hey, Sting.

Kick some lyrics, man.

Do you always have to embarrass me in public?

No, you do that all by yourself.

What'd you sign up for today, Advanced Sarcasm?

Whatever I'm taking has gotta be tougher than your schedule.

What is Cheese Appreciation, anyway?

Have you ever heard of a little thing

called Western Philosophy?

You're taking Western Philosophy?

I can see you're being seduced by my intellectual prowess.

Is that spam in your teeth?

I didn't have no spam.

- Carlton, my bird. - Ow!

Excuse me, you think I could possibly get some help?

Well, Hair Club For Men would be a good start.

Ah, nothing like that minimum-wage humor.

Look, my friend, if it's not too taxing

I'd like you to do a little work, right now

and find these books for me.

Alright, alright, just relax a second.

Uh, here, fill out this requisition form

and I'll get them for you as soon as I can.

Okay. Try to have it before our graduation, okay?

Sure thing, Skippy.

You know, I'd, I'd stay and continue

this battle of wits with you but you're obviously unarmed.

Hey, I'll be sure and take care

of this requisition form for you.

He dribbles behind his back he's up and he shoots.

Oh, and it's no good.

Carlton the peacock says

"Don't be a quitter, pick up your litter."

Help me! Come on, guys, help me up.

Yeah, we need a cleanup on aisle four.

We got some bird droppings.

[instrumental music]

Excuse me.

But I think I've seen your picture somewhere before.

Oh, yeah, that's right, it was in the dictionary

next tocompliance.

Don't you have anything better to do than hit on me?

Oh, well, now, I don't know, let me check my schedule.

Nope, all clear.

You know..

Plus, I don't have any early classes

that means we could sleep in.

You're relentless.

Yeah, I don't give up, neither.

Just think of me as the Love Terminator.

T2, meet my boyfriend, T-Rex.

Hasta la vista,baby.

[clears throat]

Hey, Skippy, the Garth Brooks concert

must be over, huh?

- You think I could get by? - Well, not with those looks.

I see you're hung up on superficial facades.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I don't speak geek.

No, now, come on, come on, man. No, I'm just kidding. Here..

Why don't you take a seat right here, next to me

and observe a class clown in his natural habitat.

Oh, I get it.

Oh, you're, you're planning on giving the teacher

a real hard time, is that it?

Well, you know, that's plan B.

Plan A was derailed by this

refrigerator-shaped gentleman over here.

Oh, I gotta tell you, I see a real problem with Plan B.

- What's that? - Tch. Watch.

I am Professor Jeremy Mansfield

and this is Western Philosophy.

I'm Will Smith.

And this is an interesting coincidence.

Philosophy is all about the perception of reality.

And today's reality is... this is a very difficult course.

I am a very difficult man

and I'm going to make your lives

very...difficult.

Excuse me, P-Professor Mansfield

it's not too late to start sucking up, is it?

There'll be a paper every week

and a pop quiz whenever I feel like having some fun

and I'm a fun-loving guy.

You will have five 20-page papers

two midterms, and a little cumulative final

that I like to call the widow-maker.

[dramatic music]

Thank you, padre.

Not so quick with the hair jokes now, are you, my friend?

Well, work may be hard, but I think..

...in the long run, you'll find this course...electrifying.

No, no, no! No, wait. Call my mother!

Or else, somebody call the governor!

And, I ain't even supposed to be in this class, man!

I wanna live.

[static]

(Will) 'So, what I'm trying to do here'

Mr. Hosek, is just drop this one class.

Okay, according to your schedule

I would say it's Western Philosophy.

Oh, yeah, how'd you know that?

It's the only course you're taking that actually requires

staying awake.

Wait a minute, I have a really good reason

for wanting to drop that class.

Oh, yeah, and I'm sure my wife has

a really good reason for cheating on me.

Look, man, I got problems of my own.

Oh, you think you got problems?

My wife has seen more action than Chuck Norris.

I got an office that used to be the janitor's washroom.

Look, here!

I got a toilet in my closet!

And every day I just see my career going down it!

Now, since registration is, uh..

...is over, officially over

the only way to, uh..

...get out of a class is to get the instructor's

written permission.

Here.

What.. I have to get Professor Mansfield's signature?

He's not gonna sign this. Come on there has to be another way.

Well, actually, there...there-there is.

Oh, well, come on, man, tell me, tell me.

Make it one of your demands, when you climb

the bell tower with a rifle.

[laughing]

Nurse, I'm ready to leave now.

[instrumental music]

- Hi, dad, how was court today? - Ah, it was great.

I got to send El Diablo up the river.

El Diablo, the graffiti guy?

Yeah, he was the worst tagger the city's ever known.

It'll be a while before they see his name around here again.

Vivian.

It's celery, I swear.

Whoa!

Philip, what has gotten into you?

Oh, the incarceration of a felon

always gets my juices pumping.

- Whoo! - Come.

Let's go upstairs and celebrate.

- Whoo! - Aah!

Honey, we have a problem.

Hilary, your credit cards, I mean--

Oh, after, after.

- See? - So what? We're wealthy.

You should have seen me deny that man's plea bargain.

I was brilliant!

[sobbing]

You're going upstairs, aren't you?

Yes, sweetheart. Is there a problem?

I have no one in my life to go upstairs with anymore.

(all) Aw!

Lower.

- Honey, how about a rain check? - Rain check?

Vivian, I am not a car wash.

I have needs.

So does Hilary.

Honey, I'm sorry, I will stay down here with you.

Vivian!

I'm ready for my wax job.

[instrumental music]

Oh, Mr. Smith. Such a quiet entrance.

Where's your, your vim?

Your verve... your pedestrian wit?

Look, why don't we stop wasting each other's time.

Why don't you just give me an F and let me be on my way?

Will that make you happy?

Well, what would make me happy is never having been here

in the first place.

Just get me a drop slip. I'll make your wish a reality.

Whoa, whoa.

You mean all I have to do to get out of this class is ask?

Yeah, I don't want anybody in here who doesn't wanna be here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Man, you gonna start a stampede.

You know, I take back everything I said about you.

Oh, and, um, give me a couple of hours before you start your car.

Psych. Or should I say "philosp."

One of the central questions of philosophy..

...is the revelation of truth.

Enjoy.

(Mansfield) 'Do you wanna know the truth?'

Do you wanna know the truth? You can't handle the truth!

Hey, that's Jack Nicholson.

Mr. Smith, if you wouldn't mind, please

would you just beam yourself out of here.

Oh, Captain Kirk, now that's fly.

No, no, no this is "The Fly."

"Help me! Help me!"

'Reality is, reality changes constantly.'

Yesterday's reality may not necessarily be today's.

Everybody got a pencil? Okay, good. Hold it up.

'Little higher. Little lower. Perfect, right there.'

Now break it in half.

What a sound. From now on, we're going to be using our minds.

Hey, hey, hey, give me a pencil. Give me a pencil.

Whoa. Whoa!

This course isn't about taking notes.

This course is about creative thinking.

Alright, look, conservatives, right?

Liberals, rappers, skinheads..

...nudists and televangelists

they all have something in common, you know what it is?

Whoa, they all been on Montel Williams.

See, I can't hear you because you no longer exist.

Oh, but you could shove me, though, right?

What they have in common is..

...they all have a distinct version..

...of the truth.

But do we really care what the truth is?

No, not really.

We want to know, "How come nobody loves me?"

'"Or where's my next paycheck coming from?"'

"Or how come I never get any breaks in life?"

Alright, get some work done, let's get on our feet.

We need a couple of volunteers to start with.

Let's get some people who have a personal philosophy

that is rooted in, oh, I don't know, sex.

- Whoa. - Okay, that's what I thought.

Nothing kinky, we just need two.

Denise, right? Denise and, uh, mmm, aah, ooh, eh

Evan. Good. Alright, right up there.

Now, don't be nervous.

You're gonna engage in a little dialectic.

Dialectic is a ten-dollar word

and it means "debate."

Man! I should have never dropped out of his class.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Uncle Phil. What you doing down here?

I'm gonna tape Carlton's first pep rally.

You have no idea how proud I am that he's the peacock.

Nope, not even a clue.

Oh, eh, you got a little time, though, Uncle Phil.

- You want some grub? - I've already eaten.

Is that a yes or a no?

Man, this brings back memories.

Oh, yeah, I bet you was in the top

of your class at Princeton, huh?

Oh, actually, far from it.

I was spinning my wheels until I met Matthew Langford.

Oh, who's that, is that one of your professors?

Oh, not one. "The professor."

'Man changed my life.'

Turned a skinny lil' kid from South Carolina

into the man you see before you today.

And you know how? He challenged me.

To what? A pie-eating contest?

No, to having a fool as a nephew.

'I have this theory.'

I believe that everyone in college

has one special teacher that..

...that gives him an insight, a glimpse

into who they really are.

You be on the lookout, Will.

I think I found that dude already, Uncle Phil.

Already?

I was in my third year before I found Professor Langford.

Oh, Uncle Phil, let me tell you, this dude is hilarious.

I mean, he's fun, he's funny.

He makes me think about stuff in a way

that, you know, I never even looked at it before.

- Oh. - And I dropped his class.

Let me guess.

Western Philosophy, right?

How does everybody know that?

Because every time, you're faced with a challenge

you run for cover.

Whoa, whoa, come on, now, that is not true, Uncle Phil.

I mean, this whole college thing is just kind of new to me.

Oh, bull! It's old territory.

'I mean, you're always going on about'

how you wanna be out on your own, and, and get respect.

But you don't do anything to earn it.

Oh, look, I think it's my break time.

What the hell is wrong with you, anyway?

I mean, you're, you're smart, you're charming.

You have gifts that other people would kill to have.

And what do you do? You throw it away by taking the easy road.

Uncle Phil, this is one class.

No, this is not one class, Will.

This is your life.

It's not my life, it's not Carlton's life

and you only get out of it what you put into it.

And you are off to one lousy start.

But enough about me, Uncle Phil.

Let's talk about you.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

[instrumental music]

Today's topic of conversation is this glass.

Is it A, half-empty, or B, half-full?

Hey, Professor Mansfield, it's an emergency

you got to come out here.

What's the matter, Will, can't move those oranges

at the off-ramp?

Come on, Professor Mansfield, I'm serious.

- You got to come out here. - Alright, alright, alright.

Hey, listen, now just wax philosophically

for a few moments by yourselves.

Alright, Will, what is it? What did you want me to see?

Here it is, the new me.

What happened to yesterday's you?

Well, yesterday's reality isn't necessarily today's.

Oh, you're mastering the lingo. I'm impressed.

That's good, because I-I wanna get back in your class.

I'm sorry, Will..

...some other student already took your spot.

No, no. Hey, come on, Professor Mansfield, please.

You gotta do me this favor, please.

You come to me, my son, asking for a favor.

I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.

I'm gonna let you back in this class.

- Thanks a lot, Godfather. - Oh.

Unfortunately, the class registrar is closed

so you won't receive any credit.

Wait, wait, whoa. Hold on.

Freshmen have to carry 12 credits.

I mean, I mean, I'd have to pick up another class

plus do all the work in this one.

You gotta love the irony, though, huh?

- You got a deal. Alright. - Aah! Good, take a seat.

This looks like a lovely seat right-right over there.

Okay, here's another oldie but a goodie.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody's around to hear it

does it make a sound?

Yes, yeah, yes, it does.

No, no, it don't.

Well, no, well, you know, yeah, it's a tree, it has to, yeah.

Yeah, it, it..

Well, how big is the tree?

I mean, is it, is it, is it

anywhere near a-a subway or anything like that?

Hold it, and how close is this forest to the ghetto?

'Okay, alright, alright, how about if it landed on'

'like, a gopher or something like that?'

'Hey, does the noise that the gopher makes count?'

Or what if it falls on Uncle Phil and he hurt the tree?

Will, I almost forgot, I took the liberty of jotting out

a few courses you might be interested in.

Carlton, thank you very much, but I already have

my academic stuff in order.

(Carlton) 'Good job, Will.'