Original subtitles

[Music]

The Colgate Comedy

Hour starring Dean Martin and Jerry

Lewis presented by the Colgate Palm

Olive Peak Company, makers of Halo

Shampoo. Marvelous Bell

Colgate dental

cream olive

soul. And now, the Dean Martin and Jerry

Lewis

show with the Demarco

sisters and the Johnny Conrad dancers,

Sunny King, Tommy Farrell, Danny Arnold.

Musical direction by Dick Stabil.

Written by Ed Simmons and Norman Leair.

Dances stage by Johnny Conrad. Settings

by Theodore Cooper. NBC production

supervisors Sam Fuller. Television

director Kingman De Moore. Produced and

directed by Ernest D. Gluxman.

[Music]

members of the Washington Kennel Club.

Now that the month of June has rolled

around once again, here we are all

assembled for our annual dog

show. Waiting to be examined are 30 of

the county's finest dogs. And here to

judge them are those two internationally

known dog lovers, Dean Martin and Jerry

[Music]

Lewis. Get out.

Oh, he scared me the door.

to talk about. Let's go judge the door.

Oh, excuse me. I'm awfully sorry. All

right.

Now, gentlemen, before you start the

judging, perhaps you'd tell us how you

happen to become interested in our

little K-9 friends. Uh, well, that's a

very good question. You see, it sure is.

That's a very good question. It's a very

good question. It started about two

years ago when Dean started going to the

dog. No, no,

no. You see, it's when Jerry started.

See, and he was going around every girl

he went around with. Oh, no, no. Don't

say it, Dean. I have never had a date

with a dog.

You remember Lucy?

That was just puppy love. Oh,

puppy love. Puppy love me because it's

a dog. After you gentlemen are ready, we

can start the show. Bring on the first

entry.

[Music]

Oh, that's a very nice dog, but he's

ugly.

Oh, it's not. Look at He got a haircut

like you, J. Look at that. Yeah, this is

a very homely dog. I don't think this

dog can win nothing. Bring him over here

better, young man. That happens to be my

dog. And Pierre has a wonderful

pedigree. Oh, we don't care how you do

your his nails, lady. We just We don't

care about the dog at all. That's No,

we're interested in what kind of dog

this is. He looks like a mongrel. You

are talking about the French poodle in

this state. The French poodle.

[Music]

I don't think he can talk French. Talk

to him, J. I'll find out if he's a

French. Just wait a minute, lady. Wait a

minute, lady.

He's a what? He don't know.

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

You and your family.

What do you want to do? A thing like

this everyone nothing. Oh, you did. So

you you you made fun of the poor dog and

so the lady had to get mad at you. What

do you want to stop picking on me for?

Oh, well, it's not a right thing. You

always do. It's not a right thing to do

nothing. Every show I come out here and

I'm always the guy who gets picked on.

Well, don't cry. I was I'm not going to

cry. I just want you to know I got

feelings like anyone else. I try to do

no other.

But I'm only kidding, Jerry.

It's all in fun, Jerry. It's not all in

fun. I'm getting sick of being

doineered. I don't mind telling you

right now. From the minute you walk on

the stage, it's nothing but yelling and

screaming and carrying on like something

I have never heard

before. And I'm telling you now, for the

first time, I am no longer being

dominated by you. You sh dictate to me

again. That's final. And that's all that

I've got to say.

Introduce my son. All right, I'll do it

now. Come back here. Come, Dean. Come

here. Come back here. Dean doesn't know

I'm going to do this cuz we're on

television. There's 28 million people

watching. But we won't do a show again

until June the 24th. See? And Dean's

birthday is June the 7th. And for the

kind of money I make with him, I love

him. So, we'd like to wish him a happy

birthday and have you join us.

[Music]

[Applause]

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Oh, Cynthia, there you are, lying in the

sand when you should be home with the

children. Oh, Cynthia, you're no good.

No good. Heartless, merciless,

treacherous woman. Oh, I rule the day

when we were wed.

Oh, no. George, no. What are you doing?

What are you losing the whole thing up

like? This is a dramatic thing. It's not

an elusian. You're not Come here. Step

down here. It's a dramatic class. Step

right here. Look. All right. Let's go

back to the Shakespearean area, right?

So, and the partner would say, "Oh, what

rogue and peasant slave am I?" You know

that whole speech. Let's hear you say

little schmaltz in it.

Oh, it is in the monsters that

we could soul.

[Music]

What

a baby.

Is it a monstrous

satisfy? What in a fiction a dream of

passion?

Oh, what a

road

flavor. Oh, but in a fiction in a dream

of passion could force his

soul over the

road and peasant.

What are you trying to do? What are you

doing here? I'm reading from the paper,

Shakespeare.

I mean, this is this isn't the right

thing to do here. Oh, well, I came over,

Mr. Martin, because my friend Hy told

me. Hi. Hi. Yeah, my friend. He said if

I was to come over here, you would teach

me how to be an actor and I would grow

up to be a big star like Rod Lorac or

Hoot Gibson.

Oh, yeah. They were very great star. But

I'm very busy now. You come back a

little later, right? Oh, no. Mr. Martin,

I thought that maybe you would be able I

I thought that if I Hey, hey, hey. What

are you? Hey, you're on the floor. Get

off. Hey, watch the floor here. Can you

get away from What are you trying to do

now? Let me alone. I'm I I just Hey,

hey, hey. What is the Hey, hey, hey.

I just came here to line maybe a couple

things about acting. The line maybe a

couple things about acting. Yes, because

in the sixth grade I acted once. Well,

do you know anything about the theater?

Do I know anything about the theater?

You can ask Ethel Barry Moore Marie

Evans or Helen Hayes. Ask them about me.

They'll tell you. Do I know anything

about the theater?

Do you? Well, no, I didn't.

Well, I mean, but in the sixth grade, I

was on the stage. Let me see what you

did in the sixth grade, for instance.

Four schools in seven years ago.

or four bubbles brought forth to this

continent

shelter. So the thing goes like this.

Four scorns. Seven years ago, our

forefathers brought forth of this

continent pizzas.

Oh, if I made a mistake in which it was.

Sure. Well, I tell you the truth, you

should know me because I'm Well, before

we go, what is your name before I get

What's your name? Oh, Melvin. Easy.

Don't go easy. Don't move. Ju just like

there. Stay here. Okay. Left, right,

left, right, left, right, left, right,

left, right, left. One,

two, come here. What happened?

Stand right here. Huh? Now, what' you

say your name was? Melvin.

Melvin.

[Music]

[Applause]

I'm getting out of here. This place is

crazy. Now, now look. Now, look. Before

you walked in here, we were doing a

little scene. A scene? Oh, yeah. I would

like to do that. All right. Now, look.

You come over here. I want you. You're

going to do a little bit. See? Oh, can I

do a scene? Yeah. Come with me now. Oh,

all right. How would you like to do a

scene with that? Wow.

Yes, sir. Reeba.

That's a real beauty, boy. I haven't

seen anything like that in a long time.

Yes, a reeb. Jiminy Christmas. Wow. Holy

mackerel. Gee

whiz. Eddie. Look out.

[Music]

Hey, excuse me. I'm sorry, Mr. Martin.

Are you ready for my scene yet? Yeah,

I'd like to do the scene for you. Would

you mind sort of hipping this thing? I'd

like I'd like to do the scene for you,

but you see, you must put your costume

on first and put a little makeup on.

Okay. All right, sir. All right. And you

come right back. That good? All right.

Now, uh, what would you like to do now?

I think a little Well, to tell you the

truth, Mr. Martin, I don't like these

bathing suit things. I would like to do

a love scene with a girl in a neglige.

Love scene with a girl in a negle. Yeah,

that would be very exciting. I have just

a girl for you. I'd like to meet her.

[Music]

Hey, the girl, Elsie, I think you like

that, Chelse. You like the way I said

that? Is that nice? Huh? No, I didn't

think so. Well, Elsie. Elsie, come on.

Come on. Else, this is Elsie. You'll do

a love. You'll do a love scene. you.

Yes, sir. Real easy.

No. Where do you think you're going? I

was going to love her. No, no. You

You're supposed to be dignified. If you

want to go over there and ask her to do

Go ahead. dignified.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Some of

you didn't get there. Look, all at once

you go there. I mean, so relax. Relax

when you do so. Relax.

No, no, no, no. You'll never make it

now. Be a man. Be a man. Horseful. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. What do you want? I only

know one other way to walk. Well, maybe

that's it. Go ahead. Listen.

Well, come on. Let me love scene. All

right. We'll love scene. Elsie, come

here, please. Yeah, certainly, Mr.

Martin. Now, look, we're going to do

love scene. Uh, you'll be my wife. I'll

be your husband, of course, and you're

the lover. Now, you see? Yeah. Yeah.

Easy, easy, Melvin. Easy. Do I kiss her

and everything? Yeah, you kiss her. All

right. Now, see, uh, you are embracing

her. Yeah. I'm hugging. Hug. You're

hugging. Same thing. Yeah. And as I walk

in, as I walk in, I I spot you. See? And

then we do the rest of the act. All

right. And you start on action. Oh,

yeah. I get it right away. Yeah. No. No.

Wait. Wait. He's on action. You start

action. All right. And I come in and I

That's you. Oh, boy. All right. Action.

My best friend kissing my wife. Why? Oh,

no.

No. No. No. Please. No.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. You

didn't fall gracefully enough. Let's do

that

again. You got to do it right, Alvin.

You can't do it at all. Now, come on.

You got to do You start on action again.

Okay. Now, hold it. And when I say

action, you embrace her and I come in

and I catch you again. I didn't fall

gracefully. No, you did. All right.

Now,

action.

Aha. My best friend in the arms of my

wife.

[Music]

Wait, wait,

wait,

wait. I don't like this

part. I don't think it fits me at all.

What part would you like to do? I would

like maybe to do your part. All right,

get up here. Yeah. All right, I'll do

your part. Now you kick the guy up. No,

you're going to do my part. We'll start

where you just hit me. See, I'll be down

here. See, we're switching parts, right?

Oh, yeah. I just hit you. Yeah. Okay.

Then I get up and I say, "Well, how dare

you hit me

once? You hit me hard." I

[Music]

got Look, Mr. Martin,

what is it? Dean, you're overacting in

this show.

I think I would like to play the part of

the girl better.

You play the girl. Yeah, it's better. I

should be the girl. All right, you go

over where she's standing. What makes

you think I'm going to standing?

You play her part and I will be the

husband. And now see you have just

knocked Colgate couldn't put on maybe

just a plain soap opera.

Well, I'll play the husband and I've

just been knocked down. I've just been

knocked down by you cuz he's playing

your part. You're the I'm the wife. And

I get up and I say we shouldn't fight.

We're buddies. We're parents. You're so

right. It's her fault.

[Music]

You know, get out of here.

[Applause]

I'm not happy at all. You're not. You

see, we get Yeah. Easy. Excuse me, Mr.

Martin. I thought maybe you'd like to

check my makeup. Oh, well, let me see.

Yeah, if the flood lights come on and

then the theater lights. That looks

good. Yeah. Oh no. What? You see there's

no shading over here for the top lights

to see it. I think but they have 101

blocks. Oh no. He needs shading here to

break away from the top lights. If you

give them some masking here down through

the whole part of the Yeah, but the

lights from the balls have to be in

there. No, I'm sorry. You're wrong. If

you bring this down through here to get

the full and then you powder it in, you

will get the effect of a beautiful

theater thing. Now you drop this so you

don't get too large a nose. You see,

right through in there. Now, I I'm

certain that this will make him look a

lot better than he looks now.

Oh, no. That's I don't think. Take a

look at this. I don't know if that's

correct or not.

He likes that thing. He likes You put

the lipstick all over my face.

A you ruined the whole makeup

job and now I got to do it all over

again.

[Applause]

I should never have come here in the

first place.

What have you done to my only hand?

Well, the only guy I've schooled for

three, four years. Don't get mad. No,

Mr. How can I not get

mad? I know how I do. Give this fell a

chance. I'll do you. You play Hamlet.

Well, you see, if I do Hamlet, you

crazy. No, I'll do Hamlet and you'll see

the way I'm on the stage. I'll do it.

Very nice. You will? Yeah, please. I'll

give you a chance. You know where the

costume department is? Yes, I do. Go put

on a costume. I'm off.

All right, boys, girls, class, come out

here. Come out here now. I want to see

the sketch there for you. You're Yeah.

Let me see. Now you turn around and see

if there's a Okay. Yeah, this should be

all right. Oh, you're all right in my

book. Hey, here it is. This is very

sweet. Now, now you step out a little

farther. I think the chain is all mixed

up. See? Oh, where are you going? Hat.

How's my hat? Oh, that hat there. That's

pretty bad. Look, uh, if you step up

close here now, remember, we're going to

do the same plot as we did in the

theater. So, you go back, read the lines

once more, and then we'll see what comes

up. Here we go. The Shakespearean set.

You boy, you boys and girls can leave

right now. Shakespearean

set. To be or not to be, that is the

question. But the life of a man can

condemn his own sources for the heart

and soul of one who has never graced the

state, be it there or far, way or near.

Hey. Hey, maybe not. Don't get upset.

We're supposed to do this thing

together. Right now, before we start

anything, we shall go over here and we

shall do the drinking song, right? Oh, I

didn't know. I'm sorry. All right. Now,

you come on over here now. We'll go have

a drinking song. So, here we go.

[Music]

Got it all the way. Why, you

unscrupulous nave that thou art. What's

wrong with you? I should slash you from

high to high. Ho ho hush hush. Thy

mother accepts

numerals. I will rule

you. Thine

swore. Hold on.

[Music]

lunch. Lunch are ready. So I

[Music]

wash thine feet there are glass. I don't

care.

[Music]

What meeting we got today at Cycles in

the theater? Well, I think that we

should always avoid back. Why you trying

to get out of here? What did you forget,

Jerry? Oh, yeah.

You can use a quart. Oh, get out of

here.

What?

Feet are killing me already. I'm

stepping on the stuff. All right,

Dean. You're supposed to drop the sword.

Oh. Oh, Sia. Oh, Maya.

Sia. Oh, please dare me. Give me the

chance to live. S, please give me the

chance to live. I shall be thy I shall

be

thy take care of thee and be thy

peasant. Oh th grant me this one wish.

Oh s I I will give you pick up thine

sword. Thank it. You

all son be careful. You'll be killed.

Don't worry mother. Don't worry mother.

I've got things well in hand. Is that

your mother? Yeah.

Sit down there mother. I shall protect

thee. Don't worry about a thing ma.

Man, nobody walks out on this act. Lady,

sit down.

[Music]

No, I am

[Music]

[Applause]

Your dishes do themselves.

[Music]

B E L S 90% of dishwashing work. No

washing, no wiping, no scouring with

no washing, no wiping, no scouring with

Vel. Well, that would save 90% of

dishwashing work. That's right. And I'll

prove it to you right now. See, I didn't

wash these dishes. I soak them in Val

suds. Oh, Vel soaks dishes clean. Yes,

Vel's activated suds actually lift off

grease and food. Or even if a bit of

food should cling, a touch of my

dishloth gets rid of it fast. Just a

quick rinse and my dishes and glassear

sparkle without a bit of wiping. Gosh,

look at this glass shine. And you didn't

do a bit of washing or wiping. And

Margie, these pots and pans, I just let

them soak in bell suds, too. Even the

crustiest pans come out clean without a

bit of hard scouring. Well, you've sold

me. I love New Vel because it is such a

worksaver. And besides that, Belle is so

mild to my hands. Why just look at them?

Try New Vel, ladies. There's no washing,

no wiping, no scouring. So save 90% of

your dishwashing work. Get new. It's

marvelous.

Now we move backstage to meet a rising

young star who's been seen on Broadway

in He Who Gets Slapped and Taming of the

Shrew and who is now starring in the

motion picture entitled Five. Miss Susan

Douglas. Hello. Halo to you, Susan. Did

you say Halo? Halo shampoo? I did. I am

a Halo fan, too. Like most of my

friends, I shopped around for shampoos.

I tried one after the other until I

discovered Halo. From then on, no more

experiments. You see, Halo gave me four

things I hadn't found in other shampoos.

First, it left my hair soft and shining.

Glorified, as you say. Ah, that's right.

Soaping dulls hair. Halo glorifies it.

And next, there were some shampoos that

left a film on your hair, but not Halo.

Oh, that's also right. You see, Halo is

not a soap nor an oily cream. It's made

with a special patented ingredient, and

it cannot leave a dulling, dirt catching

film on the hair. And two more reasons

why I like Halo best. It needs no

special rinse, and it leaves hair

wonderfully easy to

manage. And that's a very important fact

when you have to be ready for a camera

call or a first curtain or a date an

hour or so after your shampoo. Thank

you, Susan

Douglas. Why don't you glorify your hair

with Halo? It's America's favorite

shampoo.

[Music]

Well, sir, ain't very often a farmer

gets to have a traveling sailor stay

over at the house. Yeah.

Well, I don't think I'll keep you

mourning the night, you know, because I

think the car is going to be ready in

the morning. Oh, that's all right, Mr.

Mark. Stay as long as you like to. All

right. You know, it's just like in them

jokes having you here traveling

salesman. Yeah.

Uh, don't tell me you have a daughter.

The farmer's daughter. Yeah.

Nope. I got a son. Son. Well, that

that's too bad.

You have no idea.

[Music]

Montana two demons. Hi, Paul. Hi, Jeff.

Well, I was down ging up the eggs. I'm

the happiest fell in the whole world.

Found me a speck of one. That's fine.

Speckled. Who's he?

Son, that's Mr. Martin, city fell. Going

to spend the night with us. Go on over

there and shake hands with him. Go on.

Go on over there now. Don't be shy. Get

on over there and shake Get on over

there and shake hands with that man.

Well, how are you, son? All

[Music]

right. He's speckled egg. Paul, what are

these? One of your farmer bits here.

What'd you do? Break my eggs. I got to

get out the barn, boys. You fellas just

get along now. Come here.

Hey, come here. You're going to hit me.

I don't want to hit you. Since I I'm

going to spend the night here, let's

let's become friends, you know. Want to

be my friend? Sure, I'll be your friend.

Now, let's see. Uh, first of all, what's

your name? Chester.

That's a nice name. That's a nice name.

That's a good name. Sure. I'd like to be

your friend, Mr. Martin. I really mean

that, boy. You would, huh? Yeah. As a

matter of fact, you can have my pet

frog. Oh, I I don't want your pet frog.

Oh, it's all right. His house's broken.

Oh, I don't want any pet frog. Here.

I don't mind you breaking my speckled

egg, but don't hit my pet frog. Are you

all right, Latimore? Vladimore? My pet?

Oh, stop it. Oh, that must be Birdie,

sir. Birdie? Yeah, that's my girl. She's

real pretty, sir. Yeah. I can just

figure out how pretty she is. She is

real pretty, sir. I mean that, sir.

Would you like to meet Birdie? You wait

right here. No, thank you. I don't want

to meet Birdie. I'd like you to meet

her. Hi, Birdie. Howdy, Chester. How are

you, darling? Honey, Mr. Martin, here's

Birdie. Yeah. How are you, Birdie?

[Music]

Mr. Martin. Mrs. Birdie. Birdie. This is

Mr.

Martin. I hope you two will get

along. She's my girl, Mr. Martin.

Uh, you going to say hello,

Laur? Uh, m Mr.

Martin. Birdie's my girl, boy. Birdie's

my

uh uh M Mr. Martin. Uh h how would you

like to look around the farm? See all

the pretty sightes? Come on, Mr. Martin.

Let's take a look. Here we go, boy. Mr.

Martin, let's take a look

around. Here we go. a lie.

Birdie, Mr. Martin's from the city.

Y'all telling

me I'm all washed up. Listen, why why

don't we dance like they do with the off

the Murray Studios together? You know,

Die, not We'll put on music and dance

and everything. Won't that be Well, oh

jeez.

[Laughter]

Uh, may I cut in? I'm sorry, but I I

I've had this dance promise to Birdie.

No, I

won't. SK.

[Music]

[Applause]

Uh, Mr. Martin, I I don't mind your

holding birdie, but don't kiss

her. You can dance with her and

everything, but don't kiss

her. She my girl, and I don't mind even

if you talk to her. What's wrong?

Because I was taking her to a dance.

She's my

girl. Hey, Paul. What is Look at here.

Mr. Martin, he's kissing birdie. Now,

just a minute, Mr. Martin. I don't mind

accommodating you. Don't mind you

spending the night here. Don't even mind

the dancing. But don't

get weird. Come on now, Chester. It's

getting late. Time for you to take your

bath and get to bed. I know Paul is your

boyfriend here.

You love thief.

[Music]

Hey, it's a my my nice son you got

there. I had two of them, you know.

Yeah. What happened to the other one?

Fly away. Yeah. Never knew what it was.

Yeah. Hey, Birdie, you better scaddle on

home before your Paul comes here looking

for you.

Goodbye. Goodbye, Mr. Martin. It sure

has been a pleasure. Pleasure has been

all mine. Don't get,

you know, it can bust a blood vessel

that way.

Really? Yes. Really? Well, uh, I better

get on out the barn, Mr. Martin. Uh, Mr.

Se. Well, Mr. Barn, before you go, I

just want to say where where am I going

to retire? Sleep in there with Chester.

Oh, well. All right, I guess. Yeah,

pajamas is enough for me. Well, here we

go.

I'm

falling. I'm

falling. Cigarettes and whiskey them

wild women will drive you crazy. They'll

drive you insane.

by a

waterfall. I'm calling

you la.

I will have to ask you to leave,

sir. Is there nothing

sacred? Would you mind telling me what

you're doing in this thing here? I, sir,

am taking a bath.

You take a bath like this, huh? Yeah.

What are you crazy? Now you go on, get

out of here. I don't want to get out of

here. I'm going to take my bed. You will

sleep if you want. I am going to go to

sleep. Give me a towel. You got a towel?

A towel? Yes, sir. I'll get you a towel.

All right.

[Music]

Here you are, sir. Thank you. How do you

like it here in the country? Ah, this is

wonderful in the country. It's very,

very nice in a country. That's a place

to live in a country. Boy, you get built

up strong. You're like a

monster, boy. That's the place there,

boy. Just boy. That's the place

to live if you want to be strong. This

wonderful air.

You live in the

city. Can you get me an apartment?

This is beautiful. Although I'm very

lean, although I'm very powerful. Boy,

you ever see what I do to anyone who

gives me trouble? Look at this chest.

Oh, I'm sorry. How'd it happen?

Well, that's not funny, Mr. M. I'll get

back into the pub. I want to get some

things. All right. You don't have to get

nasty about it. Well, I have to take a

bath, too. What is that? Soap? What?

Soap? You ever heard of soap? Palm of

soap. Figures.

Huh? No, I never heard of soap, sir.

Well, that What do you do? You just

bathe without soap? Just water. That's

all we use. Are you You're going to get

a bath. Well, I'm in a bath now. I'm

going to scrub you. No, you you don't

have to. No, it's all

right. I

I lost the soap here. All right. Well, I

just hit me. So, now let me thank you.

Thank God I had the

easy

Heat. Heat.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Come on, Linda. Let's go for a swim. I

just saw a whole bunch of eligible men

by the pool. Thanks for the tricelle,

but I know what I'm not wanted. This

place is a gip. The men here just brush

me off the same way they do at home.

Look, Linda, I think your dentist is the

man you want to see right now. Why don't

you see him about your problem? Linda's

problem was unpleasing breath. Colgate

dental cream cleansed your breath while

it cleans your teeth. Yes, scientific

tests prove that in seven out of 10

cases, Colgates instantly stops

unpleasing breath that originates in the

mouth.

Linda's found romance at last, which

proves that Colgate care works best.

Yes, Colgate dental cream has solved a

lot of problems. But here's something

else you should know. The Colgate way

stops tooth decay best. Tests published

in authoritative dental literature show

that brushing teeth right after eating

with Colgate dental cream stopped more

decay for more people than ever before

reported in dentiferous history. Brush

your teeth with Colgate. Colgate dental

cream. It cleans your breath. What a

toothpaste cleans your teeth. Colgate

toothpaste cleans your breath. What a

toothpaste cleans your teeth.

And the Colgate Way stops tooth decay

best. Thank you very

much. You're very kind. Ladies and

gentlemen, we'd like to say right about

here, we'd like you to look for Look

Magazine Tuesday. There's a story on

Dean and I we're very happy about. We'd

like also to say look for Parade

magazine. It was last Sunday. As well as

Movie Life this edition. We'd like also

to say that we've been making a lot of

fun about a name Melvin. We'd like to

also mention that these people who are

named Melvin have been taking an awful

lot of abuse from a lot of the kids in

school, from a lot of people who they

have to come in contact with. We'd like

to say fellas, anytime anybody says

Melvin and kids you about it, tell them

are they named after the USS Destroyer

Melvin of the United States Navy?

We'd like also to say that you've been

very wonderful to us. You don't know I'm

naked beneath you.

And I would like very much to introduce

my partner doing a number that is a very

beautiful one. Oh yeah, where's the

paper I just had? What happened to the

paper? I don't have much time because

the show is running late, but I got a

pro. I promised people I would do

something. I'm going to do it. Even if

we have to stay on till

11:30. What happened to the paper? Where

is it? Oh, yeah. Mixmaster is one of the

finest kitchen utensils you can use.

What else? Hurry up. Tell me, Bob,

comedium. A sugar nut.

Oh, yeah. The magazines, Melvin, I said

everything. Oh, in the event you need a

few dollars, don't be ashamed.

What is it? Oh, he's ready. You're

ready. Well, listen. Dean's ready.

Thank you very much, ladies and

gentlemen. Hi. How do you feel? Hey

Dean, you know I'm very upset. Come here

just a second. Look. Why? Why were you

late? Why were you late? Check your

hands off. What? Are you crazy? What do

you mean? Don't go pulling on a suit,

Dean.

Wh Don't go pulling on a suit, Dean. But

what's what's the difference? Let me

talk to me about Well, we always pull on

it. Don't pull on a suit,

Dean. I don't happen to like it. You

understand? You don't. I got a pricing

right for feeling the way I'm sitting.

Get away from me.

Don't you go butting in. You

band leader.

I don't know what you're so upset about.

I got a puppy right to be upset and I

don't care if I talk in front of

everybody. So one time I'm going to

assert myself and by goodness I'm going

to do it.

How long have we been together now?

Don't lie. Tell the truth. They all know

five years. Five years. All right. What

you buy for the act you pay for. It's

just

my shoe. I'm my sure. Yes. Gabana

10860th Street. Fly to 810. We're

working there now. Come over. You got a

few dollars. Look, I can How long we

working together? 5 years. Yeah. 5 years

we're together. Uh-huh. And you pay for

what you buy? I pay for what I buy. How

many tuxedos have you had in five years?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe three a year.

You know, 15. 15 tuxedos. All right. How

many you have? 39.

That's cuz you always pull on the

tuxedo.

Now, what if I were to walk over to you

and just say, "Dean, don't ever pull the

tuxedo no

more." You wouldn't like that.

Especially if I cut on the satin part

and I said, "Dean, you wouldn't like it

if I short

a or maybe pick on the pants legs and

tear them right up to here." This would

make you angry. Nah, this wouldn't make

me angry if you you spoiled the suit.

I'd get angry with

this. You and I are friends. I mean, if

uh May I borrow your scissors, please?

Scissors? Yeah, just bark. Oh, surely.

Now if you happen to you know sort of

did the button like this you know if I

can get it and I and then you this

wouldn't make me sore or like that. See

now you went the opposite. Would you

hold this please? Oh sure. Good. And you

ripped it like this then it'd be a

different thing. I might get a little

sore. That's me. And after all me a

minute. I'm very busy. Of all the

idiotic things I've ever seen in my

life. This is the Who asked you to butt

in? So

silly. Don't ask me to party what we're

doing. Anybody ask you? No one wants you

to

party. They all say we're crazy. They

all say we're crazy, but believe it or

not, Dean and I have more fun than

anyone else. I guarantee you, we do. And

this about concludes the show. I see the

man here with a 20 or 15 second. Without

you folks, we couldn't have the fun we

have. We would like for you to watch our

show June the 24th. That's the last of

the season. We're going to try and make

it as great as we can. We thank you.

Good night. God bless. Good night. God

bless.

[Applause]

The Colgate comedy hour has been

presented by Halo

Shampoo, Marlo Bell, Kate

Dream, Mama.

[Music]

Be sure to tune in again next week at

the same time when Jackie Gleason will

make his debut on the Comedy Hour with

his guest Fred Allen, Vivian Bla, and

John

Carroll. And the following week, Eddie

Caner will again star on the Colgate

Comedy Hour with a special guest star

Milton Barrow. And three weeks from

tonight, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis

will be back again. And now, good night

for the Colgate Comedy Hour, which has

been presented by the Colgate Tomy

Company, makers of quality products

since 1806.

[Music]