Original subtitles

[Music]

the Colgate Comedy

Hour starring Dean Martin and Jerry

Lewis presented by the Colgate ol of

Pete company makers of Halo

shampoo Colgate devle

cream Ajax

cleanser and palm Olive salt

and now the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis

show with J

Morgan and fan is musical Direction by

dick stabil written by Ed Simmons and

nman Lair dance and Stage by fan

settings by Theodor Cooper NBC

production supervisor Sam Fuller

television director Kingman T Mo

produced and directed by Ernest D GL

ladies and gentlemen today we have

reached the finals in our annual bathing

beauty contest today we pick Miss C

nymph of

1951 as for our judges we have sec

secured two of the greatest Authorities

on feminine plitude ladies and gentlemen

I give you our judges are the men who

knew women best ad Deen Martin and Jerry

Lewis

[Applause]

[Music]

quiet quiet all right where's the girls

where's the I take the second one no

they like the girls we want the girls to

walk around almost with the yeah where

are the finalists bring out the girls

that's the

finalist you B big beautiful do

my arms around you

I

without hey I like it I like

it I like it

yeah that's very nice oh you're

beautiful take

[Music]

wow I'll take two of these I'll take

three of these what about Dad I'll take

four of these good boy and wow there

come on let's read your buddi hurry up I

can't wait I can't wait to pick the

winner we RIS a decision you a picked

the winner yeah we got the winner we got

we pick Miss Greeno that's impossible we

don't have a Miss Green Point yes she is

Miss Green

[Music]

Point she's very nice really when you

get to know her she's very nice yeah but

who wants to know her I like it I like

it how do you feel about winning honey

I'm flab gasted she's flab aasted this

is preposterous she can't win this

contest oh yes she can she woned fair

and square didn't you Geneva I sure did

and thanks in the All for Love cousin

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

Jerry every time we do you always have

to slip in I was figer and jeene would

be in there you know no and jeene wasn't

in the contest no I I didn't want to

tell you she was my cousin cuz she gave

me a couple dollars why do you always do

things like this to me I try to treat

you like a a great Humane and you do a

thing like this to me well I'm sorry

Dean I just wanted to help her out you

know she ain't very pretty and people

don't look at us I thought she won a

contest maybe she'd be the bell of the

bll you forget that I even endorsed you

and you go over and tell her lacrosse

cuz this kid you're going to introduce a

number for me oh yeah you go get ready

of your number I'll tell them all about

the number all right all righty bye bye

L ladies and gent no don't laugh this

what is it I got to get over here what

what is it with you guys just cuz you

wear an earphon you can direct people

around maybe I don't want to go over

there look at where they put me on a

small little stage no look at a tiny

little stage how much can you do

here oh over there there's a big

beautiful stage look at what they give

me here you think this is a beautiful

kiten nah look at

[Applause]

this you see now you see what happens

when you're not working for these

people anyhow oh he's out a white now so

they keep him in here at the war warm

up next week you'll see Eddie can on a

Kate Comedy Hour a great performer a

wonderful guy you should look in he's

got a wonderful

[Applause]

shot butly I would like to say right

here that my partner is going to do is

are you you're not close enough are you

can you see every can you see all of me

cuz I want they should see I just had my

upper lips fixed I had trouble with the

I to

[Music]

[Applause]

let me ask you something do you find

cleaning your bathtub downright drudgery

I did until three little friends of mine

told me about Ajax cleanser use

Ajax colgate's new Ajax cleans all

bathroom surfaces up to 50% faster a the

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cleanser fls the dirt right down

the Ajax leaves no gritty cleanser gum

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to keep in your bathroom Ajax the foing

action

cleanser there you are Mr Miller all

nice and comfy thank you Nurse when's

the doctor going to show up oh he should

be along any moment you just be nice a

good

morning L how do you feel this morning

fine that's nice oh how do how you feel

this morning B oh pretty good doctor

yeah you look all right look a little

better this morning you know I said well

I think we can take the cast off in a

couple days oh that's fun that's all

right well nurse have you seen the new

orderly around yes he's around here

someplace well I wish it'd get here we

would like to use this man you know like

what is this What's Happening Here good

morning

breakfast

myud all right no visitors get out of

here I got bement let me see well Mr

Miller you look a lot better how's the

l oh you still in a little pain well

we're going to have to take care of that

here here now no noise Mr no no noise Mr

Miller nurse prepare for surgery

immediately and get some hot water and

blankets right away what you get I'm not

well come on let's straighten this bed

out here yeah we got to straighten out

the bed I'm sorry I'm sorry Dr Martin I

didn't notice you I up lift him up yes

sir

hey sorry no all right no you know

doctor I didn't know you

see all right no

I all

right you all

right sh I'm going to examine you come

here no I'm all right I'm all right

doctor I'm I'm all right

no good morning doctor how

sit down

here take off your clothes

here I don't even know

you take off your clothes I will not

sir take them all off right now

[Music]

we going take your temp take my tempure

yes yes we yes we are is this is this

important this is real important all

[Music]

righty you're not supposed to eat those

things I like it I like

it that's that's

your reflexes right ref yeah that's

important eh oh sure now we got to see

if you're all

[Music]

right

okay how's that feel I don't mind it at

all I like it I like that doesn't bother

you no not at

[Music]

all nothing no I don't mind well forget

it get off the couch

[Music]

all

right B

up you're

[Music]

right ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah b b b b b

b b b d d

I'll I'll

[Music]

[Music]

I'll well did you miss me huh you did

well look now here's what you're

supposed to do you got to tell me

everything I do in the hospital you're

supposed to whenever the patients call

you you run and see what they want is

that right nurse sure and now listen and

you always got to keep everything clean

all the pots in the pants is that right

sure and whenever anybody is see but the

mirror is that right sure any questions

no I understand everything perfectly

doctor when any any of the patients they

want anything I must give it to them

right away ain't that right

baby and in case something is wrong they

want something I must run quickly like a

bunny and get it ain't that right baby

and when they want me I must be on call

every minute other day to be a

full-fledged doctor of this Hospital

ain't that right

[Music]

baby I like it I like it yeah I figured

you like it now look here you can't be

doing things the first time I kiss the

girl doctor I swear I've never kissed a

girl before I'm just young I'm starting

out in the world if I told you I was

happy what more could I

say oh get away from oh patient excuse

me Dr Martin I cut my finger with a

scalpel could you he cut his finger oh

please doctor may I take this as my

first case sir I will try my best to

help him out I think this is a definite

metaphor of the arm and if in the event

the bloodstream circulates he may have a

burd attached no this happens to be a

crein who have a lot T well I can take

care of it sir Hest okay all right

excuse this it doesn't look too bad I

just want to see how he'll do it

[Music]

just a little eye dine that's all got to

bandage it and keep it very secure

because this is very important that

nothing happens to the arm Inda does

turn around here so that just keep

turning yeah we keep the arm ni and

clean and nothing will happen to the

rest of the body so that you don't have

any falsehood coming from the side of

the whole bandage and it will be kep

nice and clean

yeah

[Music]

fing I just try to help him you

shouldn't do like things to help anybody

like that now come here get some plant

medicine

doctor here are L

still L

still here the next Patient next patient

what I don't know breathe in breathe

in and now how do you feel today Mr me

I'm in terrible pain terrible pain

terrible pain oh we gave him too many

sedatives yesterday we can't give any

more how about some soothing music yeah

music music music radio turn the radio

oh this is going to it'll help something

to sure

oh my

[Music]

you have been listening to a program of

modern military music brought to you

each week by honey buug

Clippers on station wst at the bottom of

your radio dial today's martial music

was Qui for you by the Sy

[Music]

Orest that was my only

radio sorry I know you feel a little bit

bad I feel very unnerved very very

untensioned I'm very very upset but why

don't you get yourself a sedative a

sedative yeah yeah I think I will all

right I'm very

[Music]

upset what is what happen

[Music]

what say

[Music]

hello everybody this is Marco Daniels

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into your fashion picture meet Miss

Louise Hutchinson well-known fashion

coordinator and stylist hello everyone

Louise what is the fashion scoop for

this summer well naturally cotton are

going to be big again and linens and

shantung will be more popular than ever

the big colors will be yellow pink and

beige to show off your nice

suntan and that reminds me I just want

to say that the prettiest clothes in the

world can never substitute for a fresh

lovely complexion your clothes are

certainly very pretty Louise and your

complexion is lovely well thank you you

know Mark I've been a pomale fan for

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my secret I always tell her about Palm

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[Music]

well hello Sophie did you cook a nice

turkey dinner I certainly did Mr Martin

well that's nice delicious turkey good

but you're late Mr Martin your company

will be here any minute well I was over

I was tied up a little bit over the

employment agen I hired a new valet you

know did he get here yet he sure did

well that's good that's what you think

what

oh whe AB

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

I'm Mr Martin what are you oh I'm your

new valet sir you're my valet yes sir

hot di it J yes sir I'm your your

gentleman gentleman sir and I'm here to

see that everything is just fine and

dandy

haaha what's your name what's your name

my name is Dudley sir

Dudley they all thought I was going to

say melv

[Applause]

I think that if we

would you smell something burning

burning what's burning

here oh my goodness I

dropped I know sorry sir I'll have it

weave yeah you'll have it

weo Maya uh my fiance is coming over and

she's she's bring beyon to go you're

going to marri yeah she's coming over

for a dinner and she's bringing popping

her mop with her mom with her so I

figured you you have you ever served

before I want you to serve have you ever

served before have I ever served before

I work for the Morgans the asers The

Rockefellers the birds and the cleans

and you have the nerf to ask me have I

ever served

before have you well no

no I think I would be able to do it very

nicely I will well all right that's okay

and you watch it would you mind fix my

oh not at all sir I would like very much

to do that so that you will be tidy and

eat so when you no just one minute I

have to get this sh I didn't kill that

woman no no sir no I just want to fix

this th so that it's very nice and it's

very neat I I can't seem to get there a

put my I had my cuff Lings here wait

just one minute sir let me no just just

let me let me finish the tie for my C

yeah I know I just want I had some cup

no let me let me just one second no I'll

have it finished in a minute sir

one

second

hello hello

Hy yeah yeah this is dudly nice time for

H to call what yeah oh I don't know HBY

make it short will you buddy make it

short will you bud he don't even know

you oh there my fiance she's coming in

the door pick her shirt up take

everything away now watch pick up the

ass we're going to have a party take off

the laundry hurry hurry hurry let's go

come on what answer the door dignity

dignity no my name is do no you dignity

when you were ay dignity

[Music]

dignity all right here we

are let the old lady sit over here

fine how are you

[Music]

now will you go get some martinis get

some what you martinis you heard of

Martini sure

[Music]

de where did you find him I don't know

he came in the basket oh he's so

strange I think going to be all right

[Music]

dley you serve the mother

First

[Music]

Watch get up

there honey there's something wrong with

my shoe get your foot off there

lady what's wrong with why were you

brought up in the barn

no you you forgot the

olives heaven to Betsy he's

right honey do we have to eat him after

we're married well if you like his type

h you

[Applause]

the a CH

get I know

champag we have some we have some

[Music]

they got me Rocky they got me it's a

champagne I made it for a blue

[Applause]

yes yeah announce dinner what announce

dinner

oh hurry up we're all going to eat now

you over here here you go over there I

right the old man over no lady lady over

[Music]

here over

[Applause]

[Music]

would you get the

turkey would you would you get the

turkey the

turkey yes all

[Music]

right I better see what's going on with

just turn yes sir wrap it around there

Kido yes

[Music]

sir Get Your Filthy Hands Up

[Music]

you got too big of

[Music]

turkey you like the white meat sir I

love the white meat who asked

you I think we lost the punch lineer the

whole sketch what

happened what happened where's the wish

What happened to the Wishbone huh we

lost the wishbone

listen you know how accidents happened

on

[Music]

shows if we didn't find the wishbone you

people would be tuned in till

11:30 this is no joke if we didn't find

the wishbone you see the sweat dripping

down now this is not spit we're

working oh here's a wish

bone isn't that remarkable that you

found it in there where I put

it why don't we break it for good luck

what do you say to that

fella it's okay with me we better hurry

I don't care if you people walking out

in the back but they're beginning to

walk towards us let

hurry all right let's break

the pretty hard wish

B don't fall because I'm doing the jokes

here we go

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

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it's not shiny and I've just washed it

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[Applause]

hello thank you uh ladies and gentlemen

uh we'd like to say you know this is a

very fabulous business television you

have to run and change flows you carry

on you knock your brains out the

compensation is very very very wonderful

you're entertaining an awful lot of

wonderful people people come to see you

in the theater it's amazing how people

know so little about it you know and and

the people in television don't

particularly care to tell people about

it because they like it to be sort of a

mystery with me I don't go for none of

this I don't want people should be

disillusioned oh by the way I want to

wish Charlie Brown the very best very

dear friend of ours gentleman who we go

to stay with at his hotel Brown's hotel

in L sheld all the time a I worked as a

bus boy for him so I thought I'd mention

it by the way you know when we work on

television you see this thing here look

look now let me show you what I mean

about disillusioning people I don't like

this I tell Colgate every show I won't

use Ajax if you tell people lies see

what it says here Jerry loves Patty

that's my wife Patty I got a beautiful

little girl she's married to me we have

two little kids jerky kids but they're

cute and see underneath there it says

Dean loves Genie from before in the

first number see they want people should

think it's a different

tree they want you to think they put up

a this ain't even a real tree this is

cardboard it ain't real look over here

see they have little cards you think see

it says here Jerry loves Patty this

ain't a real tree to cost $3,000 it's a

little cardboard for 6 cents they make

it

up see now colgate's going to call me

after the show and they say to me you

shouldn't do these things you mustn't

tell people so then when I pull out my

Colgate tube and say I brush my teeth

with it they like

me Jerry Jerry where's Jerry yo j i

oh well if it isn't the Italian Bruce

cabat what is it here what is it Dean

hurry because I have many things to take

care of before the show's

conclusion i' like

to I like to do another little song but

I didn't rehearse it with dicks to be

you didn't rehearse the number Dean

you've got to get here on time to

rehearse your numbers because dick isn't

well well would you mind conducting this

B number for me oh I'd love to what tune

are you going to do tell me what tune

are you going to do tell me what tune

are you going to do give me a chance

I'll tell you I'll tell you all right

what tun uh there's no

tomorrow is that what you're going to

sing now yes I like it I I know I know

you like it so we're going to do you

don't mind help what do you want to make

a fedal case I'm going to help you all

right get out of here and get me some

money too so we're going to do there's

no tomorrow and uh Mr uh Jerry Lis is

going to conduct so here we go are you

ready

[Music]

love is a

flower it blooms so

tender each kiss do

Dr of

Sweet Love is a

[Music]

moment let's take this moment that an i

follow me will

you

gr there

[Music]

no now is

forever love is

[Music]

get your pieces here

[Applause]

[Music]

oh

the oh

oh oh me

and don't fool around now sing the white

words and stop Ling me up cuz when I get

mad buddy I get mad

[Music]

buddy hey hey

[Applause]

hey hey theing cleanser

Oho give him

AO come come

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

there buddy buddy what do you want to do

well you know what I feel bad about de

see how everybody applauds and

everything yeah this is wonderful but

you know I don't like to stand back

there and leave the Bandon you should be

sell at 36 oh licorice h i mean you we

should be out here together both you

know like a team and everything why

don't we do a number together where

everybody can see us you

know good

idea why don't we do

it yeah lots of luck now you show us

five minutes 5 minutes why are we going

to get 5 minutes wor the material now

well after that live we may talk

dietes come here for a second come here

for a second will you come here no just

for one second no wait no one you're the

fell come here see the fell with the

earphones this is the fell who shows us

the cards he says like this see 30

seconds then he shows us another card

and it says cut we got to listen to him

and when you give us these signs no wait

when you give us these signs and you

tell us to do things you get a kick out

of it you know it's F get

out all right let's let's do my father

listen let's do a song together you know

you remember that old old song called

Baby it's a cold outside my shoes all

right there the new

number there the new number

boy look there's a new number that it's

called Uh I I'm in love well I like you

too Dean but I mean no I'm in love it's

I you know you sing a part that goes uh

he showing me signs again what is it

it's down to four now good yeah look if

this guy comes out here and he

get

picture come here just a second look

yeah tell me tell me hurry tell me tell

you sing this you sing I don't need

analyzing cuz I know it's you do that

and I'll do the slow part which part do

you do I hear music oh I heard that

number I like that a lot all right we

all right let's TR

[Music]

okay hey hey what do you do what do you

think you do I sign the

number it's supposed to be I don't

need oh I got it now I got it you keep

it yeah I'm trying to get rid of it all

right

[Music]

okay I don't know how it's

go only I'll do your part you do mine

was this be all right simple oh that

would be certainly swell Cardinal and

Keen I thank you Ali for helping me out

okay you do my part I'll do yours okay

here we

go iar mus and there's no one

there I hear birdies and their wheels

are

there the wheels are be I didn't know

the was

now you done you got the easy part no

wonder oh that's right I think I can get

it now aren't you mixing your cards

buddy you told you showed me two then

you just showed me three what got a fast

what do we got now how many minutes we

got two minutes lots of luck

okay I hear

[Applause]

anal I

like let's do a number where we're both

together like a team like a team yeah

not breaking up a pretty song everybody

likes like my heart to cries for shoes

my

shoes

Okay heart R for

you for

you for you my

[Applause]

heart Arizon and feeling blue I would

like to be there and I

you can be gone I will love

there

my for

you for you for you my heart long for

you please come back to

me we were dancing lovely I knew you I

tried to love you darling never knew

when I would never linger why my side

don't you come back to

me

my for you for you for you my heart

longs for you please come back to

[Music]

[Applause]

me good night God bless love see you

[Music]

[Applause]

ComEd has been presented by Halo

shampoo Colgate beel cream Ajax cleanser

and pal Olive soap

la

[Music]